I realize that it stems from the situation I’m in right now. But, that doesn’t help much.
I hate feeling angry.
So I decided to be very silly!
Purple nails with bright green polka dots!
One good thing about not being able to do anything for…has it been over a month now? Dang! Oh, back to the good thing, my finger nails look great! I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and he suggested purple polish….a few days later, I added Polka Dots!
Now, you know it makes you smile to think that a 48 year old woman has Purple Finger Nails, with Bright Green Polka Dots!
**Note – my husband said that it didn’t surprise him at all. Just as the orange hair didn’t surprise him. “It’s just you!” He also warned that if we ever are able to foster, that our child will think he or she has a really strange mom. I disagree, I think they will think I’m a really cool mom! (yeah, right…how many kids really think their parents are cool?)
Illustrated journals can be so interesting…and inspirational. Here’s the beginning of mine:
Decided to draw what I could see.Having a Bad Balance Day. Thankfully, the net will catch me. (today my net has been Stuart, thanks hon)
The past two days I haven’t been able to hear much at all. The tinnitus has been better, and the headaches have been less intense…but hearing…well…not so much.
Today, I had a mini-attack. I felt it coming. The world was starting to move, my stomach was doing flip-flops, I had that hot feeling….I just knew things were going to start violently spinning any moment. Stuart kept a cook head, as usual, I was a little panicked, but worked hard to stay calm. After taking Valium, and Phenergan…plus a phenergan suppository…things calmed down. I’m still off balance, and not trusting myself to walk without my walker. But I didn’t throw up!!
I hope you enjoyed my illustrations. It felt good to accomplish something, even though I couldn’t get off the couch!
How many of us start to look at our lives and come up lacking in some way, especially around our birthday, or the beginning of the year. We make goals, or resolutions….sometimes we actually keep them.
This year is no exception for me. I knew I was getting close to my birthday because I started looking in the mirror with a more critical eye…humm, not as young as I used to be. Heck, I don’t even think I look as young as I did last year at this time. Gained a few pounds, more gray hair, a few more wrinkles, and these little dark patches on my face…could they be *gasp* age spots? {shudder} Yes, my illnesses over the past couple of years have worn me out.
a look in the mirror
I’m already trying to lose weight, 6 pounds so far! Now if I can just keep it up. I’m also trying to get some more exercise, that hasn’t been going as well as I’d like, I get dizzy every time I exercise. Hopefully, that won’t be the case much longer!
I thought about coloring my hair, but do I really want to put those chemicals on my hair. I finally got to the point where I think all of my hair is naturally my color. Yes, some of it is gray…but it’s me. I’ve always liked my cool gray streak on the left side, right in the front, but now it’s on the right side too. I don’t think I’m looking cool any more, just old. I’m thinking of putting a natural rinse on it to make it a little shinier, a little browner, and possibly make the gray look more like highlights. It should just wash out. If I decide to go this route, I promise I’ll post pictures.
For the wrinkles and dark spots (I will NOT call them AGE SPOTS!), I’ll use a bit more moisturizer, and perhaps some lemon juice and hydrogen peroxide applied to the spots will help lighten them. We’ll see. The hubby pointed out that there was a Groupon for a Chemical Peel. Ewww. I told him I was not vain enough to hurt for it! (I don’t really think he understands what a chemical peel is.) I can’t tell you why, but I got so tickled when I told him I wasn’t vain enough to hurt for it, I mean I just laughed and laughed. Stuart thinks it’s very amusing how I crack myself up sometimes.
I’m thinking I will go out and buy me a new outfit. Something that fits better, that makes me look more put together. In other words, not the over sized T-shirts and shorts I’ve been wearing.
I’ve also decided on joining a group on another blog Ton-Fifty-ONE is going to be having a workshop covering the book The Artist’s Way, by Julie Cameron. The workshop is 12 weeks long, and will start on July 4th. Just 2 days after my birthday, how fitting. I’ve owned this book for years, and I’ve tried to go through the process more than once, but I guess I’m either not good at following through something like this without a little push, or perhaps it was made me confront too many issues? I don’t know, but I’m willing to try it again, and I’m sure that with the push that a group will give me, I can do it this time. Just 12 weeks…3 months…to “discovering and recovering my creative self”. If anyone wants to join me on this journey please come along. I know I can use all the motivation I can get!
My creativity got bogged down by my chronic illnesses. My biggest goal this year is to use my creativity to help me with my illnesses. Help express myself… The words are failing me, I can’t seem to get out what I want to say. I guess I’m trying to say, I believe in art therapy….and so much more.
There’s 104 days of summer vacation And school comes along just to end it So the annual problem for our generation Is finding a good way to spend it…
Yes, it has been a long time since I’ve been in school and had a “summer vacation”, but I have always loved summer. For as long as I can remember I’ve always felt better in the summer. I hurt less, and I just want to get out and do more. Longer Days and Warmer Nights…life is good.
The challenges of Summer?
I over do it because I feel better, then I pay for it!
I get over heated easily and don’t realize it because I love hot weather. (although we lived in Palm Springs, CA for a while…it was too hot there!)
I over extend myself. I have a hard time saying “No”, I seem to think I can do anything during this time of year.
I often end up eating things I shouldn’t, and get sick. (I just don’t plan well.)
Again, I get too hot before I realize it!
How I can over come these challenges?
Well, this should be easy, just do less! However, it’s often hard to tell when I might be over doing it. I guess my best option here is to pay more attention to what my body is telling me. And REST OFTEN.
Limit the amount time I spend in the heat. Don’t just trust that I can tell when I get too hot, or thirsty. Set a time limit, and stick to it. And DRINK A LOT of water!
I need to remember, I can only do so much! And sometimes, I can’t do anything. I feel guilty when I tell people I will be somewhere and then I can’t show up. I need to tell more people either, “No.” Or “Maybe.” If people don’t understand, then do I really want to be doing anything with them?
Since I have gluten and fructose intolerance, there are a lot of things I can’t eat. Too often I go out and don’t realize we may not be home when I get hungry. I must plan better for this. Make sure there will be food I can eat at parties. The easiest way to do this is to bring something. When we are going out and about I need to make sure we will be near places I can eat, or keep food with me. I used to carry protein bars in my purse that were gluten free so I’d always have something. Now, it’s more difficult. I haven’t found a protein bar that doesn’t have things I can’t have because of the fructose. I must find something!!
I used to never get over heated. I have a convertible, and I love to drive and feel the heat, and wind. On Wednesday, I was on my way home and got stopped due to road work. I was sitting still for about 20 minutes. When I got home I felt sick, and dizzy. I got way too hot. How can I prevent this? I have to keep WATER with me. Not soda, WATER! If I get stuck in traffic, I need put the top up and turn on the AC.
What do I want to accomplish this summer?
Complete all the requirements for becoming a licensed foster parent.
Perhaps take a vacation…something we haven’t done in a very long time. Even a long weekend would be nice. But traveling scares me…I’ll have to be prepared. And we really don’t want to leave our dog.
Take care of me. (read *pamper* here)
Read more books. I really don’t know if this is possible, but I’ll give it a go. (I love to read!)
Enjoy my birthday! (July 2nd)
Spend time with hubby. (I don’t really care what we do, just as long as we do it together.)
Enjoy my pets. Especially Sandy, on July 2010, the vet told us that Sandy had 6 months to a year to live. I don’t think anyone told her!
Enjoy driving. (something I haven’t been able to do much for the last 2 years.)
Enjoy our garden! This is the first year we’ve tried growing a vegetable garden. I keep looking at a friend’s garden and think…”Wow, why does their garden look so much better than mine?” Oh yeah, they aren’t using all organic practices. Let’s just say I now understand why organic produce cost so much more.
No matter what your plans for the summer, be sure to take care of yourself. Keep things close to you that make you feel good. For example: I take a bath every night right before I go to bed. It really helps me get to sleep, feel more relaxed, and hurt much less. I put lotion on every night, often my husband puts special peppermint lotion on my feet. (My feet get hot at night and the peppermint makes them feel cool.)
Spend time with people who are good for you. Avoid people who are toxic. (you know who they are, you may feel like you have to spend time with them for some reason or another, maybe they are family, but you don’t. Just say “NO”. You can do it. I know you can.)
Enjoy yourself. That’s the most important thing. Find ways to make your life easier, and more enjoyable.
Then pass it on. Let other’s know what secrets you have found that make you feel better.
I’m very happy to say that my hubby is home, and seems to be well. Very tired, and is sleeping right now, but much more like himself.
The cardiac MRI came back great. The brain MRI came back showing no signs of a stroke.
They really have no idea what caused this episode. As we all know, that is hard. Since we don’t know what caused it we don’t know how to avoid it.
One of the doctors he saw said he had the same symptoms about 10 years ago. He said they never found out what was wrong, and it has never happened again. *shrug*
When we got to the ER yesterday Stuart’s blood pressure was very low. They said he simply wasn’t getting enough blood flow to the brain, they have no idea why.
He is worried because his judgement was so impaired while this was happening. He knows he should have come home when he first got double vision, and he feels normally he would have, but it didn’t even occur to him that something was really wrong. He doesn’t remember most of the episode. What he does remember I’m not sure if he really remembers it, or if he just remembers what I’ve told him. He doesn’t remember being in the store at all. He doesn’t remember getting to the hospital, being in triage, or the first few hours in the ER. His memory starts with the second CT scan last night. (Except he does remember when he threw up…I think that is very traumatic for him…unlike me, he’s not used to it.)
Oh, I did find the rest of the groceries. It appears he took my car to the store! Something he just doesn’t normally do. I went to drive my car this morning to go the hospital and there in the front floor board were the sodas and milk. (luckily we were buying this milk to spray on our squash plants to get rid of the powdery mildew on the leaves, not for consumption.) It was also very strange that he put the groceries in the front of the car, he always puts them in the trunk.
My hearing is still down, and I got a bit dizzy today, but I took Valium and never started getting into a full spin. I hope it stays that way. I just don’t need that right now. Not that I ever need it, but I really need to be able to be there for my husband.
Thank you all for all the best wishes and thinking of us.
It makes me feel so much better knowing I have you to talk to and call upon when I need some uplifting.
Please, no more trips to Duke's ER department any time soon.
I have just come home from the hospital. I’ve been there for over 11 hours with Stuart. I’ve never been so scared in all my life! We didn’t have eggs this morning and he went to the store to pick some up. He was gone over an hour. (we live 1 mile from the store). When he came in the door he was pale as a ghost, sweating profusely, and couldn’t walk straight. He couldn’t talk right. I asked if he’d been in an accident, he said no, he just needed to sit down. Well I knew that wasn’t right. I got him sitting down and ran upstairs to put some pants on (I had on thin shorts), and rushed him to the hospital. He couldn’t get his words out, he was seeing double and he started throwing up. I ran in the hospital asking for help – I was so distraught they thought he was coding…well heck, I thought he was dying!! (Yes, my coping skills were not as high as they usually are. I’m just so glad Stuart didn’t notice.)
They thought he was having a stroke. They gave him a CT scan, and a contrast CT scan, they came back normal. They asked if he could be dehydrated. I don’t see how. We hadn’t done anything strenuous or in the heat for days. He drank plenty yesterday. (and said he “had a big pee this morning.”) (of course, when they were checking him in they asked how much he weighed and he said 120, my husband is 6 feet tall, and a bit over 200lbs. I don’t think he was thinking clearly.) They thought his blood sugar might be low…nope.
They pumped him full of fluids, and after the first CT scan he threw up again, then went to sleep. When he woke up, just minutes later he felt and looked much, much better.
The doctor said it sounded as if he may not have been getting enough blood to his brain. They are checking his heart out tomorrow. They will be doing a stress test MRI in the morning. Where they stress the heart and do an MRI at the same time. He’s in observation right now. I came home to get some sleep, but I’m still so stressed. My head is roaring.
When I left he was acting and looked like his usual self. But I keep thinking how close it came. He can’t remember his trip to the store. His receipt says he bought 2 doz eggs, 1 box cereal, 5 sodas, and 1 carton of milk. He carried in one bag, it had the eggs and cereal in it. There is no sign of the sodas or milk. I have no idea what he did with them. I can’t believe he drove home in that condition. And he can’t even remember shopping at all.
I feel so lucky that he made it home. I’m so afraid to lose him. I’m so afraid for him.
My hearing has been down for 3 or is it 4 days now? I’m so afraid I’m going to have an attack at any moment, then how can I care for him? How can I be there for him like he has always been there for me? Yet, how could I not? I’m so scared.
Stuart’s worried about his job. The last guy who had his job left under mutual consent because right after he took the job he started getting sick all the time, in and out of the hospital. Stuart is still a contract employee, he won’t be full time until July 16th. They could decide not to hire him.
He’s also upset because he isn’t happy with his job, and doesn’t fill fulfilled. I don’t know how to help him. I wish I could get a job and make enough money where he didn’t have to worry about how much he made. But I can’t.
Well enough about that. He will be getting the cardiac test tomorrow morning sometime between 9 and 12. If it comes out ok we could be home by 2pm. I want it to be ok, but then again, I want to know what happened. I want it to be something small they can fix. I don’t want to be constantly wondering if it is going to happen again. He did not realize he was doing so poorly. He really wasn’t thinking clearly. And now he doesn’t remember it. The memory lapse is really scaring him. He doesn’t really want me to know how scared he is…but I know he is. And I don’t want him to know how scared I am…but I’m sure he does.
Tonight one of my very best friends and her husband will be coming for a visit. Not only is Kym a great friend, she was once my roommate, and my maid of honor. (Which I think was a great honor considering I only had one attendant.)
During our wedding ceremony. (l-r) Kym, Wendy, Stuart
I haven’t seen Kym and Camden since their wedding 4 years ago. Unfortunately, we live on opposite sides of the US, about 3,000 miles apart. They live in San Francisco, CA, we live in Durham, NC. So, of course, I’m VERY EXCITED! However…
I’m also a bit worried. Kym and Camden are very energetic people, they love to site see and just go, go, go. Well, the go, go, go is a little hard for me.
Let me explain with a little side note: Yesterday I was telling Stuart how much I hate it when a doctor asks me to rate my pain on a number scale, 0 being no pain and 10 being pain that sends you to the ER. I think the amount of pain it would take to send me to the hospital (someone who absolutely HATES to go to the ER) a lot different than someone else (who doesn’t mind going at all). I told him that the scale should be 0 for no pain and 10 for when I pass out from the pain, and I really think they should tell you what 5 would represent. Stuart said he was glad that he hasn’t been in pain that often. Once when he broke his arm, and when he had to have surgery on his knee…but not much. I confessed that I can’t remember a day that I haven’t been in some amount of pain.
Now I guess you can understand why I’m a bit worried. I really want to show my friends a good time, and do things with them, but I’ve been in a lot a pain lately. I know they’ll understand, and wouldn’t dare think of me being in pain so I can do something with them. However, I don’t want them to be bored. And I really WANT to do things. *sigh*
I’m still having trouble with my arm with pain and tingling, my wrist with carpel tunnel, my hip is still giving me trouble, and I can’t seem to walk very far without pain in my feet, calves, and knees. I feel so old. I feel like I can’t do much at all before I get so tired (or hurt too much) and have to sit down and rest. Every night I’ve been taking a hot bath before bed, it seems to help dull the pain, especially in my legs and hips, so I can go to sleep.
I keep waking up in a lot a pain, and I feel exhausted. I wonder if I’m hurting so much while I’m sleeping that I don’t sleep deep enough to rest?
I’ve been baking today, and I’m exhausted. I was trying to make gluten free hot dog buns. After 3 tries, I gave up. So no buns for the cook-out tomorrow.
They’ll be here in about 3 hours. Think I might take a nap.
I’ve been in a silly mood the past few days, and I’ve had a camera in my hand, so I’m going to share it with you.
I told Stuart to do something silly, so he grabbed me! It made a cute shot, and it made me laugh!!Our silly cat has too many toes! Max the polydactyl cat..
I hope you aren’t too bored with photos of my dog. Every night Sandy will dig, and dig in her bed, she moves it all around the living room until she gets it in just the right spot. Also, every time she eats she has to rub her face all over the floor, or in her bed; I can only guess she’s trying to clean her face off.
Silly Sandy rubbing her face in her bed. (Her bed started over by the wall.)More Silly Sandy.Such a Silly SandyGotta Get that bed just right!Almost there.Whew! She's finally ready to rest.
Thank you to everyone who sent me so many good wishes and encouragement!!
I saw Dr. Kaylie yesterday. He was not discouraged by my attack, and feels confident that I will continue to feel well.
However, he said, I do still have Meniere’s Disease, so I may have an attack now and then. If we can keep my attacks down to one small one every 3-4 months, then that’s doing great. He’ll be concerned if I start having attacks more regularly, and if I start having more severe headaches again. If that happens then I’ll need to get in to see Dr. Gray again, and have another Myelogram. Since we don’t know what caused my leaks in the first place, there’s always a chance I could get more.
It was kind of funny, when he said that I still have Meniere’s and I may have occasional attacks, I told him, “No, I’m cured!” Of course, I was just joking. We all know I’ve never looked at this as a cure, but perhaps, down deep, I was kind of hoping.
Since I didn’t have a picture that would go with this post, I decided to share some photos of my Sandy Dog!
Sound AsleepWaking up. (Thanks to that darn flash.)A bit confused.What a cute dog.Look at this face. How could you feel bad with that face looking at you?
Update on Sandy. For those who don’t know the story of my darling dog: Sandy is 18 years old. She was found in a dumpster when she was about 1 year old. I adopted her shortly after she was found. She’s been my constant companion for 17 years. In March of 2009 we found out Sandy had bladder cancer. She had the tumors removed, but in July of 2010 an ultrasound showed that the cancer was back. We were told then that Sandy didn’t have enough bladder left to operate again. The doctor told us that this cancer is very aggressive and he guessed she would last about 6 months to a year. We do have her on a drug that is supposed to slow the growth of the cancer, and so far so good. She still acts as if nothing is wrong.
I noticed that Sandy acted like she couldn’t see us as well as she usually does. She was barking at people she knew until they were close enough for her to smell them, or really see them. I noticed that her eyes were looking a little cloudy. A couple of weeks ago we took her to the vet, and she does have cataracts. The doctor said she can probably see light and dark, big shapes….that kind of thing. I think she can still notice movement because she follows my hand motions. (She has been hard of hearing for a long time now.)
Even with all of her “issues”, Sandy is a happy dog. She runs around the house, and asks to go for a walk every day. She still runs up and down the stairs, jumps on the couch and on our bed. Of course, her favorite pastime is chasing the cat!
I really don’t understand just how good Sandy is doing until I see other dogs close to her age. Our vet said that they are always talking about Sandy, she is a wonder dog!! Still so energetic and bouncy at her age! I hope I age so well!
I don't know if you can see it in this picture, but this was a beautiful rainbow, with a second rainbow right above it.
We had a nice rain on Friday. Stuart went to leave the house and called me out to see this beautiful rainbow. How fabulous.
Thursday was our last Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting (MAPP) class. For the past week I’ve cried and cried. I was grumpy, argumentative, and just plain scared. I finally realized that I was letting what my father said get to me. I read a lot between the lines. He really didn’t say that much, but I could just hear the disapproval.
I’m venting here, so forgive me.
The classes ask you a lot about your relationships. They ask about your support system. They ask how your family will react to you having a foster child. I knew how my father feels about African Americans. I know he’s a bigot. But I felt I needed to ask him. After all, this is going to be my child, perhaps he would feel differently, perhaps he would support us. (I know unrealistic dreams.) When I told him it was highly likely that the child we would get would be an African American, and wanted to know if he could accept that. He told me that I knew how he felt about things like that. This hurt and I continued to think about it. Finally, I felt I needed to ask more. I asked him if he could accept any child that wasn’t white? If he could accept a mixed race? Anything? This is the answer I got: “As for as your question
about the Foster care thing I don’t really know how to answer that because that is really up to you what you want to do. I don’t think in the long run you will be happy with it but I am wrong a lot of the times.
So I am just saying do what ever you and Stuart want to do and don’t worry about what anyone thinks.”
Don’t worry about what anyone thinks. That includes him. And telling me that he doesn’t believe that I will be happy with this. Yeah, Pop, thanks for the support.
I hate to admit it, but his words made me doubt myself. This isn’t unusual, but I thought I had grown past it. I realize that I need to just back away from my immediate family, but this is very hard. It’s hard to not want my family to support me. However, I’m not surprised. The only person in my family who ever supported me was my mother. I miss her.
Now that I realize what was really going on inside of me, I’m feeling much better. I’m very happy with my little family right here.
On Thursday I was having a lot of ear pain. When we left our class that night I started feeling dizzy as we went down the elevator. As we walked out to the car, I was scrambling for some Valium. (can’t be too safe, right?) When I got to the car, I took the Valium with some watered down warm diet Dr. Pepper that was in the car. Yuck. But it was wet, and it worked. Don’t you hate it when you really need to take a pill, and you don’t have anything to drink?
The disequilibrium subsided, but the pain continued through that night. The next day it was better. Today is the last day of antibiotics for my ear infection. I really hope it has knocked it out, and I won’t have to take any more. I’m thinking the pain was mostly from all the tears.
The dizziness has been a bit scary. I’m sure it’s because of the ear infection and the crying.
As another Meniere’s warrior said this week, “I am so utterly grateful and do not take one day of freedom from vertigo for granted.” (Thanks Angelea for all the inspiration.)
Picnic with Ants 