A Day in my life…..

During my last post I told how I planned to do some journal posts during the month of January.  I planned on these being open and honest reviews of my days, then I realized I wasn’t totally honest while writing my last journal entry.  I talked about the good things, the things I accomplished that day, but I glossed over the fact that I had a vertigo attack.  I just slightly mentioned it, instead of saying how horrible it was.  How it stopped me dead in my tracks.  How I was stuck in a chair for over 2 hours not being able to focus on anything and being so upset that the day was ruined.  (as you know now I decided to risk things and go out anyway, very unlike what I normally do, normally I stick very close to home after having a vertigo attack, but I was determined)  During the attack I was scared.  It is a very tough thing to deal with.  After the attack, I’was exhausted and had to rest for a while before I could do anything else.  Everything I did I pushed through.  That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good day, it did turn out to be a very good day.  I simply glossed over the rough parts when I was journaling about it.

Well, day before yesterday was a good day.  Yesterday I paid for it, but I couldn’t give in and just rest all day, I had my yearly physical I had to go to.  I ached all over and just wanted to stay in bed all day, but I had to go to the doctor and have her poke me a bit and talk about my blood work.  I hate going for my physical, often they find something else wrong, who wants to go find out something else is wrong?  This time I didn’t find out anything else is wrong.  Yay.  My cholesterol is still high.  The good cholesterol is in good shape, but the bad and total are not in good shape and my triglycerides are too high, as usual.  We discussed my diet.  First she told me that I’ve lost weight.  SIX pounds!  Woot!  Yes I’m being sarcastic.  She was trying to be supportive, but really, 6 pounds in a year, is not good. (She had no idea I’d been trying to lose around 40lbs the whole year.)  So we discussed how I could get my weight down and my cholesterol in better shape.  I have a friend who has been on the Ketogenic diet for a while, so I asked about that before she suggested anything and she said it was a good diet for what I need.  She said it is good for people who have to be more sedentary.  The Ketogenic diet is very low in carbs and high in fat.  This is very different than I am used to eating.  I don’t go crazy with carbs usually, so I don’t think that is going to be too big of an issue, however increasing the fat is going to be odd.  It’s just so counterintuitive to what I’ve always done.  As soon as I can wrap my head around this and all the sweets from the holidays are out of the house, I’ll start the diet.  wish me luck.

Today I’m still achey.  I’ve had a migraine all day.  I had an appointment with my therapist this morning.  That’s going well, I think.  Some days I wonder why I’m spending so much money to just sit in there and talk, am I really that hard up for friends?  By that I mean that on some days I feel like all we talk about is stuff you’d talk about with your girlfriend.  Like, I found out who cuts her hair….now my hair finally has a good cut!  But if I think about it, most everything we talk about comes around to something that could benefit me in the long run.  So it’s all good.

20161230_202846

On the way home today we stopped off to buy more yarn.  Yes, I’m really enjoying my Knifty Knitter, so much so I think I’m going to finish my first scarf in a week….or less.  I’m thrilled that when I’m all achey and feel cruddy I can still sit and “knit”.  I feel productive.  I’ve always wanted to make baby blankets for charity, now I might be able to do that.  I’m looking into it.

Right now everything is taking much longer than it should.  But that’s normal for me.  Right now I’m going on 2 hours for writing this post, and I know it will go longer.   I keep wording things wrong, can’t think of words, can’t spell, or I simply get stuck.  At this moment I hurt too much to think and I don’t want to try any more….it’s just too hard.

It’s very unfortunate that cannibus is illegal in most states.  I’ve used it to help me in the past, but it is illegal in my state.  I’ve tried cannibus infused coconut oil to help with the pain and sleep, it is amazing for that.  I’ve used it via a vape pen during a vertigo attack and it stopped me from throwing up and slowed the vertigo.  What I wouldn’t give for it to be legal.  I’m having a hard time recently with vertigo and pain, it just makes me think about this more and more.

I think that’s all for my journal entry today.  I didn’t mention that I had a vertigo attack yesterday and a small one today, but if I mentioned every one we would be talking about vertigo a lot.  However, I think I should mention it every time during these journal entries to bring attention to how often I really do have vertigo.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years Eve celebration!!

Tomorrow in my mother’s  birthday.  It’s always a bittersweet day for me.  I celebrate the day of her birth, but I’m sad she is no longer with us to celebrate.  It’s always an emotional way to start the year.

 

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A time to think of my…Gratitudes.

 

gratitude quote

There are days when you have a hard time.  Days when you can’t think of anything but what is going wrong.  It’s on those days that I find it most important to step back and look around me at the things I’m grateful for.

Today is a day I want to really look around and pay attention to what is in front of me, I know I have so much to be grateful for!

  • I’m grateful I woke up today.   What?  You think I’m joking?  I thought I’d start at the beginning of my day, and I thought what is the first think I’m grateful for today?  I’m grateful I’m here.  I’m grateful that I’m alive.  I’m grateful I can breathe.  Oh there is a good one!  Last night I had a very difficult time breathing, I coughed and coughed, and had a hard time taking a deep breath.  I had used my inhaler and it didn’t seem to do anything.  I did a nebulizer treatment, and I could breathe better, but of course I had the shakes for a long time afterward (I really hate that thing, a necessary evil).  Then I started coughing again, and well, it was a not so great breathing night.  Just one of those nights for me.  I did sleep without much coughing, so that is great!  We’re working on getting the chronic bronchitis under control, but haven’t gotten there yet.  I’m not complaining.  Last night was a rougher night than usual, the weather changed….rainy, damp…that makes it worse.  Again, not complaining, just stating the facts.  I accept it as it is, and I am fine with it.  I will be going to a new pulmonologist soon and we will work at getting this more under control.  I am very grateful that I can breathe better today.
  • I’m grateful my husband can walk our new dog every morning, and she is so good about it!  When we first talked about getting another dog Stuart said he didn’t want to have to walk it.  Then we met Kiki, and knew she was the right dog.  I was having hip problems, but thought it was going to be over very soon.  The doctors thought it was just a little inflammation, I was scheduled to get a hip injection and they thought that would be the end of it.  So when we decided to start fostering Kiki, I had planned to be the major caregiver.  Little did we know I would fall the night after my injection causing me to have a herniated disc in my back, and now a month later, I’m still not walking Kiki.  I’m still not walking much at all.  However, Kiki is the best dog about taking walks.  If you are in a hurry, she will go very fast.  She isn’t the kind of dog who will just go out and sniff and sniff just for the sake of it.  If you go out and walk out to the tree and then walk back toward the house, she will go.  No problem.  Often, in the mornings she will run Stuart outside, go real fast, and run back in and go back to bed!  She says….”Bye Dad!  I’m ready to go back to sleep!”  He has even said that he likes taking her for walks!  I’m a little envious.  I’m very grateful they have bonded and the walking issue, never became an issue!
  • I’m very grateful my doctor thinks my herniated disc will heal with just a little physical therapy.  Yep, right now I’m bored out of my mind.  I’m so tired of not being able to do anything. I can’t walk far without pain, I keep waking up because of pain, I can’t sit long without pain, well it just hurts.  I’m so relieved that the spine specialist thinks that I will heal with very conservative treatment!  Yay!!   I’ll happy dance when I can!!
  • I’m grateful I didn’t gain weight while taking steroids.  Oh boy, oh boy can we get happy about this one?!  The steroids made me go out of my mind, I was climbing the walls and wanted to destroy people, but I didn’t gain weight!  I didn’t weigh myself for the past month, it was too hard to try to step on the scales, I finally weighed this past week.  I lost 4 pounds!   For inquiring minds….that is a total of 44 pounds lost so far!! 
  • I’m grateful I understand I can’t trust my emotions right now because of the steroids.  I was actually very proud of myself for my self control and for understanding that it was the steroids that were making me feel so horrible.  They are still nagging at me a bit, I have one more dose, but you know it will take a little while before they are out of my system….so I can’t trust my emotions.  That is a good thing to keep in mind.  It is very difficult for someone who is bipolar to feel this way.  I am always very on top of my emotions, very in tuned to how I’m feeling.  I have to be.  If I start noticing that my feelings are our of sync with how they should be, I need to talk to my doctor.  By this I mean, I need to watch out if  react to something in an inappropriate way.  For instance, the other day, I said to Stuart, “Why don’t you use your damn common sense once in a while?!?”  in reaction to him just asking me a simple question.  This was VERY inappropiate!  I do not talk to him that way, and I couldn’t calm down.  I was sitting there suddenly saying….”I don’t act like this any more!  I don’t feel like this anymore!”   I took some deep breaths, centered myself, and calmed down.  Apologized over and over to my dear husband and explained I couldn’t help it and it would probably happen again.  I was full of anger I couldn’t control and he was probably going to get the brunt of it.  He was a dear sweet love and hugged me and understood.  Yes, he did get it a couple of other times, nothing like that time, and we dealt with it very well because we talked about it and how the medication was affecting me.  I’m so grateful I have a husband that communicates with me and understands about uncontrollable emotions due to steroids.
  • I’m grateful for a small place to live.  I’m grateful for a place to live that is safe.  I’m grateful for a place to live that is peaceful.  I’m grateful for our place.  I have been a little ungrateful for out little place lately, and just now I realized just how very grateful I am for this place.  I really do love this little place in many ways.  I love that it is small.  I am very grateful I do not have to climb stairs right now.  I couldn’t.  It is so much easier for me to get around this little place.  I have been feeling a bit claustrophobic in here lately, and way too isolated.  I know it’s because I just can’t do anything.  My mind wants to do something and my body says NO.  (yeah I’m working on that)  I’m very grateful that of all the places we looked at to rent we found this peaceful little place.  It is quiet here, (yes that is so important to a deaf person…haha).  There is little traffic on the street.  There are more people out walking their dogs in my neighborhood than there their are cars that pass by!  I just think that is so cool!  Yes, as I write this little piece I’m much more grateful about the place I live.
  • I’m grateful Kiki loves her new toy so much!  Yes it is the little things that bring joy into our lives!  Kiki loves her little toy so much!  She has forsaken all of her other toys for the one she picked out at the pet store.  It is a little beaver…I think.  It has a recycled bottle inside so it crunches, and it has a squeaky toy in the tail.  She loves this thing so much!   She carries it around, and gets so excited.  She will chase it, she will play hide and seek with it, she will run and get it and bring it to you just to show it to you…..”Look!  LOOK!  SEE! my toy!!!!”   She takes it to bed with her.  She doesn’t play with it in bed, no she just has to have it with her.   If I’m in a different room she will go check on me then she will go and get her toy and bring it to the door and show it to me….like she is showing the toy where I am??  Then she will leave.   She has so much fun with her toy, and it brings me much joy playing with her with it, and just watching her with this toy!  I will never get tired of watching her play!
  • I’m grateful my husband took me out yesterday for a short trip to the mall and I found a bra that fit – First Try On!!!  don’t really need to follow up on that one….but I will!  I must say, this is the very first time this has happened, and it is amazing to me.  After losing so much weight I went in and completely guessed my size!  I was not up to trying on a lot, this bra was on mega sale and I thought, OK, I’ll try it.  I had on an old bra that was too small, so I adjusted the size from it….and Wow!  I’m still amazed that it fit, and it just looks and feels so great.  No gaps, no pinching, no pulling…..I’m a happy woman!  It was also on such a mega sale I won’t feel bad if  when I lose more weight and soon need a different size!  One thing that is a little different about me losing weight….I have bigger boobs.  I’ve always liked my breast.  I have felt they were just the right size, not too big, not too small…just right.  When I gain weight, they have always stayed pretty much the same.  They didn’t get really big with me.  (a lot of women gain a lot there, I didn’t.)  Yes I’m silly, but just thinking about it, if things keep going as they are I’m going to be a bit bigger.  Right now I’m a cup size bigger than I normally am at this band size.  Stuart likes it.  hahaha  However, I can’t imagine him not liking anything about my body….he is a bit biased.   and I’m very grateful for that!
  • oh there is so much to be grateful for!!   I’m feeling so much better than I was when I started this post!  I’m grateful I have so much to be grateful for...here’s a few more….
  • I’m grateful I got to tell my sister how I was feeling about some things.  It doesn’t matter if things don’t change,  I’m just so grateful that we talked and I know she knows some things now that were stuck in my head and I needed to let it out.  It’s hard to put some things in the past if you don’t know if other people have put it there, or heck, if they even know about it.  Yeah, try to wrap your head around that one.  I just feel better about things.  I’m grateful for that.
  • I’m grateful that I’m emotional.  (no one needs to understand that one.  It just really used to bother me, now, I’m glad.  I like having deep feelings.  It may hurt a lot sometimes, but it is also pretty darn great other times.  Being “emotional” is not a bad thing.)
  • I’m grateful I found this meditation on forgiveness….I needed it…. Forgiveness Meditation    (this is just a written page, not a link to a guided meditation, read if you want.  I liked it a lot.)
  • I’m grateful I have some friends I can reach out to, even if I don’t have any I can see in person.
  • I’m grateful I have clean water.  (I really don’t like the water from our tap here, we have started using bottled water, and I’m so grateful for it.  It really makes me think a lot about people who can’t get clean water at all.  I’m so very grateful that not only do I have running water in my home, but I am able to get wonderfully clean water whenever I want it.
  • I’m grateful I have access to fresh food.  Something else I have thought about a lot lately.  I have talked a lot about the change in my diet, how I’ve lost so much weight and how much healthier I am because of my new eating habits.  I haven’t mentioned some of the other things I’ve noticed that I can only attribute to my diet change.  My hair is thicker.  My fingernails smoother and less brittle.  My skin is clearer.  I can tell you I haven’t changed my hair products, nor have I done anything different to my nails, so I can only attribute those changes to my diet.  I did change my facial wash, but I will admit I don’t use it every day.  I am a self proclaimed foodie.  I love good food.  I love fresh food.  I’m grateful that even though we have had very lean times over the past couple of years, we have always managed to eat as fresh as possible.  We have cut corners every where we could so we could spend a little more on our groceries.   We do still spend wisely in the grocery store, but let’s face it, fresh fruits, veggies, and high quality meats are expensive.   For some people it is a matter of choice, but sometimes it is a matter of not being able to afford food…period.  Can you imagine if you simply could not afford to buy groceries at all?   There are so many people who go to bed hungry every night.  So many people who are malnourished.     My gratefulness about food is huge.  I’m so grateful that I now have the knowledge to be able to nourish my body in a healthy way, and am able to provide it with all the food that it needs.
  • I’m grateful I have this blog to write about things….and I’m very grateful that there are some people out there that read it.   Yep….this is what I needed today.

 

I really do appreciate life so much!

I love my life!

Do I have challenging days?  Yes!

Will I feel bad on days again?  Yes!

Do I accept my life the way it is?  Yes!

Do I wish it were different?  Sometimes….I’m working on a NO for that answer, but I think “Sometimes”  is pretty good.   I still love my life, just as it is, even if nothing changes, even if it gets worse, I still love my life!!

That’s pretty important I think.  I love my life, all the good parts, all the bad parts, all the fun parts, all the hard parts….I love my life!

 

Feeling Better – Part 2 (Diet)

"The Perfect Diet" by Fatal Potato deviantARt.com
“The Perfect Diet” by Fatal Potato deviantARt.com

I’ve started this post at least 4 times….how to explain my diet and why it has changed without telling you my whole history with food and health.

Let’s try to put it in a as few words as possible.  Years ago I had a lot of pain and health issues including Gastrointestinal (GI) issues that no one could really explain.  They gave me lots of labels and none really fit.  Eventually I found out I was “slightly” allergic to wheat, so I quit eating it.  I felt better.  I decided to stop eating gluten all together.  For many reasons.  That’s not what this post is about though…so to make this shorter I’ll leave that there.

I also have migraines, gastritis and irritable bladder…all of these require me to be picky about certain things I eat.  For instance, I can’t have caffeine, red wine, I have to be careful about chemicals in foods, acidic and spicy foods….all kinds of things.  Even my beloved dark chocolate can cause me trouble.  (I am allowed small amounts.  So I savor it.)

What else do you ask?  I have Meniere’s disease as you all know.  With that comes a low salt diet.  I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  And last but certainly not least, I have Fructose Malabsorption. I was going to try to explain this here, but again….trying to make it as short as possible, so I found that Wikipedia really did a good job explaining this, so just click on the word and it will take you there and you can read all about it.  After being diagnosed with Fructose Malabsorption I had to really change my diet, it was hard.  I was put on a diet called low FODMAPs.

blog.katescarlata.com
blog.katescarlata.com

I love the description of FODMAPs Kate Scarlata gives on her blog.  Check it out.  FODMAPs Basics.

Here is the list of foods I was given, what I could eat, what I couldn’t eat, how much of this and that…..I never got this right and found out some of it I still couldn’t eat.

FODMAPs Checklist

So why did I still need to change?  As I said…I couldn’t get it right!  I’ve been following Kate Scarlata’s blog for a long time.  She is a Registered Dietitian and a huge advocate and authority on the low FODMAP diet.  She knows her stuff.  So when she worked on a book, a diet book no less, that was based on low FODMAPs I was intrigued.  I wondered, why a diet book.  But I looked at it and found, this will help me.  This book could help a lot of people.

www.21daytummy.com
http://www.21daytummy.com

Kate says, “21 Day Tummy is a plan designed for the person with digestive symptoms that also needs to lose weight BUT if you want to just enjoy the amazing recipes and learn more about gut bacteria, inflammation, belly fat and how that all connects to your health…I think it’s a great read with excellent science for just about everyone!and I agree.

This book starts off with a very scaled down version of the low FODMAP diet.  It has now grains in the first 5 days.  It does have potatoes.  You have a Belly Blaster Smoothie for Breakfast every day for a while.  I thought this would be torture for me, I have always been a big breakfast person, but even after I was able to start eating other things for breakfast I have stuck with my smoothies.  If I eat a “real” breakfast, I normally have a smoothie for lunch.  I really like them.  They are good, and like a meal in a glass.  I have one and I’m not hungry for hours!  I do mean HOURS!  It’s funny, I turned to Stuart the other night and said, “How come I can have a smoothie for breakfast and not be hungry for hours and have a full dinner and be hungry in less than 2 hours?”  He said, “Me too!”  Funny huh?

So I have used this diet as an elimination diet.  It has fewer foods than the low FODMAPs main list to start.  It has great recipes!  Everyone knows how tight we have been on money, so I checked this book out of the library 3 times!  Then I got a $50 Amazon gift card for my birthday and finally bought it.  I also bought the cookbook.  We’ve been cooking exclusively out of these books since the beginning of June.  However, we have eaten out a few times.  Try moving like we have and not eat out a few times.  But I have stayed pretty true to the diet.

How has it worked?  Wow!  I have more energy than I have in so very, very long.  My tummy is flatter than I’ve seen it in years.  I lost 5 inches in my stomach the first week.  When I eat something that doesn’t agree with me I can bloat so much that I will suddenly gain 6-10 inches in my waist, I have measured it.  It is so painful!  This has stopped.  I accidentally got something the other night and was shocked.

I’ve lost 26 lbs since the beginning of June, most of that in June.  When I started the diet it started coming off very fast, I’m glad it slowed down, I was getting saggy skin.  My body couldn’t keep up with the rapid weight loss.  It is still coming off, slow and steady.  However, I have lost my “food baby”.  Yes that’s what we used to call my tummy.  Almost every time I ate, I would suddenly look pregnant.  I don’t look that way any more.  I still have weight to lose, but my digestion is so much better, and I just feel better.

I had a physical in June, just a few weeks after starting this diet.  My triglycerides where in range!  They were lower than they have been in 20 years!  Yes 20 years!  I have weighed much less and been much more physically fit in those years.  My doctor was thrilled.  My bad cholesterol was a tiny bit high, but just a very tiny bit.  Every thing looked really, really good.

Is my diet the catalyst to making me feel sooooo much better.  Where my gut is concerned, YES.  Has it helped my fatigue, I would say Yes!  Does it make me feel good, Yes.  When your stomach doesn’t hurt and you aren’t worried about passing gas or running to the bathroom, or if your pants are going to fit after you eat…you feel better.  Plus, I’m in smaller clothes.  How cool is that?  But really, that’s just the icing on the cake.  My tummy doesn’t hurt any more.  I am having regular poos.  I know that what I’m going to eat isn’t going to hurt me.  And I love my smoothies. haha  Getting some of my figure back is nice, and yes, it is giving me some sexy confidence back.  So that is pretty darn special.

Is it helping my headaches?  Maybe.  Is it helping my dizziness?  Maybe.  There are too many other factors going on at the same time to be able to tell, if the diet has helped  This is not a diet for Meniere’s or Migraines, but I think everything is interconnected, so I’m sure everything I do affects all of me.

I know you are all wondering….what exactly are you eating?

are you really wondering that?   I could give you a list of the foods, but without the book to explain things to you, and tell you why certain foods are good for your tummy and why other foods are bad for your tummy….I don’t think it would help that much.  I know having the list of foods given to me didn’t help me much at all.  But the book really helped.  Remember, I just checked it out of the library….3 times….before I bought it.  If you, or someone you love, have any tummy troubles, I think it’s worth checking out.

The low FODMAP diet is the diet for people with Fructose Malabsorption, no doubt about it.  However, it is also becoming the main diet to treat those with IBS.  They are finding that it is also helping those with many other intestinal disorders: IBD…Crohn’s, Colitis….ect.  Oh…many people were also raving about having their acid reflux go away.  Unfortunately mine didn’t, but as I said, I have gastritis.  I need to have another endoscope, that part of my tummy issues didn’t go away.  Drat.

The low FODMAP diet is ideally supposed to be followed for 2-6 weeks under the guidance of a registered dietitian or nutitionist, and at that time they will advise you how to introduce foods back into your diet to recognize your personal triggers.  This is often hard because there are so few dietitians or nutritionist who are well versed in the low FODMAP diet.  Luckily, this is changing as the diet is becoming more understood and well known in this country.  The 21-Day Tummy book does have guidelines in the back to help you reintroduce foods to see what may be your personal triggers.

I haven’t been willing to try to add new foods into my diet yet due to all the stress of moving, I will start adding in new foods soon and will hopefully finalize my diet in the near future.

So now you know a little bit more about my diet.  If you have questions, feel free to ask.

Next part 3 in the Feeling Better series….Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.

Let’s Talk About Me Feeling Better…..Part 1

 

Freedom by w.holcombe
Freedom
by w.holcombe

First, I want to say, I’m not cured of anything.  Nothing is gone completely.  I still have all my Meniere’s, and it’s symptoms.  I’m still deaf, with cochlear implants.  I still have Migraines.  I still have Cluster Headaches.  I’m still Bipolar. I still have Fructose Malabsorption.  I still have all of my chronic illnesses.  I am still disabled  I just don’t have some of the symptoms as severe as I did 3 months ago.  Truthfully, I am living a life that I didn’t think was imaginable 3 months ago, and in this series I’ll talk about some of the reasons I now think it is possible.

There have been a number of things that have contributed to me feeling better and I think it’s time that I laid them all out there for you.  I haven’t revealed everything before for a couple of reasons.  One, I was afraid it was temporary and I still am, 3 months is still a relatively short amount of time to tell if these things are going to continue to work, and two, one of the things is something that could be dangerous (and really may stop working at any time)….let me explain.

I will explain the dangerous one first.  This I wasn’t even sure I was going to talk about…but I think I should.

Remember how bad my headaches had gotten?  The migraines wouldn’t go away, after the Botox had been working so well and suddenly it stopped working?  I went for about 3 months of non-stop migraines.  It was horrible!!  I was put on steroids and had that severe vertigo attack and then was put on a different steroid to try to stop it….remember all that mess?  Then I started getting cluster headaches.  Remember?  If you are a new reader you won’t remember that, but it happened…and then…

by w. holcombe
by w. holcombe

One night I had a bad set of cluster headaches and didn’t wake up the next day until 2:30pm.  I woke up and my first thought was “OH NO! I haven’t taken my Diamox!”   Diamox is the medication I take to control the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (high cerebral spinal fluid pressure ).  Without this medication I normally have an excruciating headache!  However, I suddenly realized, I didn’t have a headache.  For the first time in months, I didn’t have a headache.  Note: NORMALLY, when I don’t take this medication, I would be screaming from the pain in my head.  This day I did not have a headache.

I decided not to take it and see what happened.  No headache.  The next day.  No headache.  Days later, No headache.

Please forgive me for not telling you, but the reason I didn’t mention this before is because going off your medication without your doctor’s supervision can be very dangerous.  I should have called my doctor when I decided to stop taking the medication.  This could have been a medication that I needed to be go off slowly.  I could have harmed myself.  If you feel you are taking a medication you feel you need to come off of, please discuss this with your doctor before you stop taking it.  Do this under your doctor’s supervision.  I did not do this like I did. I was irresponsible.

I soon had an appointment with my neurologist, otherwise known as on here as my headache pain specialist, and I discussed this with her.  Luckily, I didn’t cause harm to myself, but she did say I should have called her and told her what I was doing, just in case.  The drug I was on is not one to play around with.  We aren’t exactly sure what happened.  It was evident that I needed the drug when I was put on it, I had a lumbar puncture to prove it and when I went on it I felt much better.  As I said earlier, normally if I didn’t take it I would have had a very bad headache.  We thought it would be silly to put me through another lumbar puncture just to prove I no longer needed it, as that was pretty evident.  The hypothesis is that somehow my pressure spiked, (perhaps I was lax in taking my medication…I’ve been known to do that before, especially if I have a vertigo attack, I can’t keep medication down, or I fall asleep from exhaustion and don’t take it….) and I had may have had a “blowout” causing my spinal fluid to drop.  I used to have that happen before, but the leaks would heal, the pressure would build back up and the whole thing would happen over again.  That’s why I was put on the medication, to try to stop that cycle.  This time the blowout may have cause a leak that didn’t heal, essentially causing my own “shunt” but without the surgery.  So now I don’t have to be on the medication.  Crazy, but that’s all we can think of???  Or maybe my body just regulated its self?  It doesn’t really matter, I now feel better without the medication.

This is probably the main reason my headaches are so much better.  Again, I still have headaches, both migraines and clusters.  The migraines are just much better than they were.  I can’t say that about the clusters because they didn’t start until right before this happened.  I don’t have a lot of these so far.  I’ve had more than I’d like, and I hope they don’t increase.

This could also have helped some of the vertigo, but I don’t know.  The only time my pressure changes really cause vertigo problems I have very severe vertigo attacks.  I have not been having the horrible vertigo attacks, the kind that where I spin for hours and lose all bodily functions, but I haven’t had those in a while.  I have been working hard to control those attacks.  That’s part of another thing I’ve changed…something I started changing before the whole medication things happened…but I wanted to tell you about this first.   So, to tell the truth, I really don’t know if this has helped the Meniere’s symptoms or not.  Mainly, I think it helped the horrible headaches.

Now there is a chance that eventually this leak may heal and my CSF pressure will once again build back up and I will have to go back on this medication.  I sincerely hope this is not the case.  The medication that is used for this, is not a friendly drug.  I hated it.  Side effects…ugh.  Again, another reason why I didn’t mention this, I knew there was a very real possibility that it would be a short lasting “fix”.  Now after 3 months, I’m a little more optimistic.

There are TWO other major things I changed that I believe have caused major life/health transformations.

One of is my Diet.   (This will be Part 2 of the Feeling Better Series)

One of is studying Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction…this is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself!  (This will be Part 3 of the Feeling Better Series)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitudes in the middle of a mess

It’s time to take a little time to notice some of the things I’m grateful for…before I completely meltdown (again)…I know this will help!

This move has been extremely challenging, mentally and physically.  I am very grateful that I (and I am serious here) am not curled up in a corner crying and trying to hide from the world.  I’m also grateful that I am still able to get out of bed and accomplish some things.  Yes, I am in a lot of pain but, I’m still doing much more than I have in years.  I am so VERY GRATEFUL for this.  I told Stuart last night, I just can’t believe I started feeling better (no not well, but a bit better) right before all of this happened.  Wow!  If I was still like I was just a few months ago now.  This move would have been…..uh, well I just don’t want to think about it.

I’m grateful I sold almost all of my fused glass supplies.  I have only 2 things left and they should be very easy to sell!  Because of this we didn’t have to move any of that!  Yay!!!  Also, because of this I was able to buy our living room furniture.  This made me feel so good.  I was able to contribute to the household.  This is the first time I have been able to do this in YEARS!  (We had to by new living room furniture because the furniture from out old place was too big.)  This is a loan to the house though, as soon as we can pay it back that money goes in my service dog fund.)

I’m very grateful that I met the nicest lady when I sold my fused glass supplies and she actually sold my kiln for me!  How cool is that?

I’m grateful that our new place has a beautiful backyard.

I’m grateful that we live within walking distance to a grocery store and other little shops.  I hope it really is within MY walking distance.  If not now, soon.

I’m grateful there is a park nearby.

I’m grateful Stuart works very close.

I’m grateful we found a restaurant that will make meals that meet my food requirements, and it isn’t far away.  Plus, the very first time we went we got the best waitress, she is the bomb!  We’ve been there one more time and asked for her, she remembered what I needed and helped me order!  Wow!

I’m very grateful I’m still losing weight.  It feels so good to be getting in to smaller clothes and seeing a smaller face in the mirror.  I’m grateful that the diet is making me feel so much better!  What you eat really can make such a HUGE difference in how you feel!

I’m grateful I have the coolest cousin in the world living close by!  Can’t wait to see him and his brood this week!  And it’s so nice we can call on each other!  He’s real family!  If your reading this, I love you man!!!

I’m grateful things are coming together……wait, did I just say that?  do I believe it?  Am I just saying it or do I believe it?  hmmm, let me think.  (Jeopardy them playing in my head…)   I’m not sure.   One thing will happen and it looks like things are flowing along then one thing will happen and things just start going backward…but I know things will end up…the way it’s supposed to be, after all how else could it be?

And yes, I do mean that.

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I’m grateful I wrote this post, because I needed it.  I needed to remind myself that things are going happen.  They are going to be the way they are, no matter what.  I keep trying to bend things the way I want them, I keep fighting to make things happen faster than they are going to, and well, I needed to remind myself…..it’s going to happen, or it’s not, and that’s OK.

Yesterday is gone, I can’t worry about what happened, tomorrow isn’t here yet can’t do anything about it.  So today I’ll do what I can, and that’s it, if something comes up and makes it so things get in the way I’m going to go with the flow and not get all out of sorts.   Just breathe.   It will get done, or it won’t, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I’m so very grateful I realize that.

Today’s meltdown averted…..maybe I should have written this yesterday.

 

Gratitudes 3 – A Pretty Darn Good Week!

by w. holcombe
by w. holcombe

Things haven’t been perfect this week.  I did have a night filled with cluster headaches.  But I got through it, and since then I’ve been feeling, well, pretty darn good.  Until I got this little virus, but I already wrote about that, and I’m grateful that it will run it’s course and I’ll be done with it!  Plus I’m very Grateful that it really hasn’t been that bad, a couple of icky days, but that’s about it.

I am so very GRATEFUL that I found something that is helping me with my tummy issues!  I found a book that addresses the food issues that I have, but I plan to write a whole post about this, it’s so exciting! And I think it could help others with dietary issues.

I am GRATEFUL:

  • that I have a new psychiatrist!  She is so professional.  I’ve only seen her once, but she took a very detailed patient history, discussed all my medications in detail, discussed my concerns, and our future plans.  I was very impressed.  After the last fiasco with my previous doctor, it is such a relief to find a doctor who is not only professional but enjoys her job.
  • that I have been on more regular sleep schedule.  This is something I haven’t had for a very long time.
  • I am waking up with more energy.  Of course, this is probably because I am on a more regular sleep schedule, but it sure is nice.
  • I’ve been able to go down stairs every day this week. Most people probably don’t know just how disabled I have been, but tackling the stairs have been a huge task for a long time.  Most weeks I’ve been lucky if I’ve made it downstairs one or two days.  So making it down stairs every day for a week, that is a great accomplishment!
  • I have gotten out of the house many times this week!  Not only have I made it downstairs every day, but many days I’ve gone out.  I went to the grocery store….a HUGE accomplishment!  I went for a ride with the top off of the car!  I went to the Thrift store and got a new pair of pants.  I went and looked at glasses.  (I have an eye doctor’s appointment tomorrow, and will need new glasses.)  I even went out to eat, this is hard because of all the noise.  I’m also proud I went out to eat and stayed true to my diet, I didn’t eat anything that would make my tummy unhappy.
  • yoga pose 1yoga pose 2I exercised a little this week….a very, very little…but I did something!  Not only did I do a lot more in general, and you can call that a lot more exercise…I know my body is!  I did a few yoga poses almost every morning.  Just a few.  I’m trying to learn to balance more with my eyes instead of relying on my ears so much.  So I’m doing some of the standing yoga poses while focusing on a focal point.  Maybe it will help.   By going out an doing more I’m also working on increasing my stamina.
  • I didn’t let a virus ruin my week.  I was having a really great week, then I caught a virus and suddenly I felt crappy.  I thought, am I going to start feeling really bad again?  Then I caught myself….Stop thinking like that.  I can’t predict the future.  And what has been happening has been great, but it doesn’t mean it will continue.  I  will live in this moment.  and I’ll enjoy it.  If it’s a bad moment, I know it’s a moment.  It’s my moment.  And it’s OK.  (A note to Laurie at HibernationNow….Yes, I did over do it…You were right!  so I’m very tired today…but it was worth it, yesterday I had a a very fun day!)
  • I realized that even having a virus I still don’t feel as bad as I have felt.  No I don’t want to live in the past, but it was a bit of an eye opener when I realized I was lying here sick and I didn’t feel as bad as I have for a lot of the time this past year….heck the past couple of years.
  • My head hasn’t hurt much at all!  As I mentioned above, I had a night of cluster headaches, but since then….my head has been so good to me.  There’s a couple of reasons I think this may be, but I’m just grateful that it has happened!  I’m sure I’ll have headaches in the future, but to have the relief I feel now….so GRATEFUL.
  • I made my lunch today all by myself.  I cut up my own chicken today, and warmed up my own lunch.  Because of my balance issues and sudden vertigo I haven’t trusted myself to use a knife in a long time, at least without supervision.  Today I made my lunch with Stuart upstairs.
  • To hear my husband say, “It’s so nice to be able to do things with you.”   Remembering to be in this moment…..

A New Year….what will it bring?

“Change is inevitable, growth is intentional.”    -Viktor Frankl

In the beginning of 2013 I was so sick I didn’t even write a New Year’s post.  I was so depressed, and so very, very ill.  (yes, I know this one is a few days late, but it’s still the beginning of the year, right)

So what will the 2014 bring?  I’m not sure, but I know it will be a change.

Nothing is ever permanent.  I may feel I’m always sick and feel horrible, but if I look at every day, every moment, that isn’t true.  It’s not a constant.  Life is not constant.  I want to remember this, and work at being mindful about each moment.

I don’t want to make resolutions, because, let’s face it, very few resolutions are actually carried through.  But there are a few things I want to strive for….if I don’t get there, it’s OK.  Things change.

  • As I’ve already said, I want to be more mindful about each moment.  If I’m doing something I want to really pay attention to what I’m doing.  I do not want to multi-task.  I want to be present in the moment, each moment.
  • I’m trying to eat much less meat.  I know this is going to be a challenge because of my food limitations, but I feel the need to do this.  One day recently I realized if I had to kill the animals we were eating I wouldn’t eat them.  I’ve felt this way for a long time, but I didn’t really take it to heart.  But now, I simply feel I need to do this…so I’m going to try.  I’m taking it slow, and I’m not going to go crazy if I happen to have a bit of meat…just one moment at a time.  (I am still eating eggs…trying to only get pasture raised, and I’m eating some dairy…trying to only eat dairy from a local farm where I know how the cows are treated.)
  • I want to meditate more…I’d like to do this much more regularly than I have been.  I have found that this really helps me when I’m having a vertigo or asthma attack.  I can calm myself and that makes things much easier to get through.  However, I’ve found it is hard for me to meditate for long times, at least for now…so I will start off slowly (if I strive for a couple of minutes, then I’m sure I can succeed)  and work my way up..
  • I want to become happier with my appearance as I am now.  I’ve been so obsessed about losing weight, it has caused me to have very negative feeling about myself.  Yes, I haven’t been able to lose weight because of mitigating circumstances (like not being able to exercise, and taking meds that cause weight gain), but I blamed myself.  I feel if I feel better about myself the size I am I will have accomplished a lot!  I also feel that until I feel more self-confidence about my appearance, it will make it harder for me to lose weight.  That may sound counter intuitive, but when I’m unhappy with my body I get discouraged, and think why bother.  Discouragement, breads self-deprecation for me.
  • I’d like to blog more.  This past year was very hard, I can think of a few reasons it was harder than normal, and hopefully these things will be changing soon. (for example…Stuart getting a job, me getting the asthma under control….)  I don’t like to always sound like someone who is just full of heartache when I blog, so I didn’t blog as much.  I have found that I need to share more with others, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Someone out there may be feeling the same way.
  • And I’d like to challenge myself more.  I know I will have to do this when Stuart goes to work out of the home, but I think it will be good for me.  Sometimes, I feel I rely on him too much.  It’s much easier to ask him for help with something than to risk doing it myself.  My mantra on this must be….”slow, take it slow.”

There are many more things I could add to this, but as I said, this isn’t a list of resolutions, just some plans that may change as the moment changes.

note: for some reason WordPress would not let me insert a picture in this post…sorry for just words, words and more words.

Invisible Illness Week – 30 things you may not know…

September 10 -16 is National Invisible Awareness Week – If you’d like to get involved check out the official site

30 things about my illness you may not know.

(warning, some answers may give too much information, but it’s not detailed)

See, I don’t look sick. This photo was taken in 2009, right before my first ear surgery.
  1. The illness I live with is:  The main illnesses I live with are Meniere’s, chronic Migraines, Bipolar I disorder, and chronic hip and pelvic pain.  If you are interested in my other illnesses please see the the tab above titled The Ants That Bite.
  2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:  I don’t remember any more.  I think I was diagnosed with Meniere’s in 2001, Migraines (I’m not really sure, I’ve had doctors tell me on and off since my teens that I have migraines, but they became chronic in my late 20’s…I’m 49 now), chronic hip pain and pelvic pain – they haven’t figured out what is causing all the pain, so no diagnosis.  Bipolar I – 1990 then was told they were wrong – re-diagnosed in 1994.
  3. But I had symptoms sinceMeniere’s – the first attack I remember was in 1993.  Migraines – the first one I remember, I was 11.  The pelvic pain – in my early 30’s,  in the mid 1990’s.  The hip pain – 2008. Bipolar – in my teens.
  4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:  These are a few major ones for me….  Losing my hearing.  Not being able to drive.  Not seeing my friends like I used to.  Realizing that I will never be cured.  Not being able to have a sex life without pain.  (but I’ve dealt with, or am dealing with all of these.  They will not keep me down.)
  5. Most people assume:  I can do much more than I can, after all, I don’t “look” sick.  And some assume I use my illness to get out of social situations, but honestly I hate being so solitary
  6. The hardest part about mornings are:  Never knowing what the day will bring.  I often wake up with a blinding headache, I know what that day will bring.  But if I wake up feeling decent I never know if I’ll continue to feel that way, or if I’ll be hit with a Meniere’s attack or Migraine.  However, I try to make the most out of every day.
  7. My favorite medical TV show is: Ummm, funny, I used to watch some medical TV shows, but I don’t any longer.  I think I see too much of the medical community in person.
  8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  I suppose I could “live” with out most gadgets, but there are some I wouldn’t want to!  My Cochlear Implant, I can hear so much more now. My laptop -so many of my friends are in there!
  9. The hardest part about nights areTrying to sleep, and trying to stay asleep.  Fear.  Fear of having an attack just as I’m falling asleep (this happens more than I’d like to admit), fear of waking up with a blinding headache……However, each night before I sleep I acknowledge my gratitude for the day, and plan what I’d like to do the next day.  I always have hope I will have a good day, and if I don’t I still know I’ll get something out of it.
  10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)    18 daily (this included the total number, not different medications), 5 as needed, 4 vitamins daily, and one B12 shot a week.
  11. Regarding alternative treatments I have tried many, including chiropractic, acupuncture, certain vitamin routines….  I found medical massage helps my migraines and hip pain a lot.  I also use a special diet to treat gluten and fructose intolerance.
  12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I don’t think anyone would choose to have an illness, but I’ll deal with the hand I’ve been dealt. 
  13. Regarding working and career:  I don’t work.  I don’t have a career.  Takes a lot out of conversations with others.  My doctor suggested I look into filing for disability, but I haven’t done it yet.
  14. People would be surprised to know:  I often don’t wash my hair for a month or more.  Water on my head is a trigger for me, especially if I have to close my eyes.  Luckily, my hair is pretty dry, and it’s long so I just tie it back.
  15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has beenThere are a lot of times I have to say” I can’t” or “no” to people…and to myself.  Losing most of my independence.  Not being able to drive.  And not being able to have a normal sex life.
  16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Find the positive.  Become my own advocate.  Fire a doctor.
  17. The commercials about my illness:  The only one of my illnesses I’ve seen commercials for is Migraines.  Commercials are always drug companies wanting you to talk to your doctor about their drug.  I’m not comfortable with this, and normally the side effects they list are pretty scary.
  18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  I miss being able to go places alone.  (the answer to this question changes often, but right now, not being able to go anywhere alone is very difficult.)
  19. It was really hard to have to give up:  My hearing.  Even with technological help, I have a cochlear implant (CI) and a hearing aid, it is still very hard to hear at times.  I know my hearing with the CI will get better, but it has been very hard to loose all my hearing in one ear, and almost all of it in the other.  Without technology, I can’t hear anything.
  20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging. Reading a lot!  I’ve always liked to read, but now it’s almost an obsession.  (thank you to Kym for my Kindle!   Oh. another gadget I wouldn’t want to live without.)
  21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  I would be so very thankful!!  Then I’d spend a day pampering my husband, in and out of bed.  ; )
  22. My illness has taught me:  To be my own advocate.  To be more tolerant…I thought I was tolerant before, but I realize I needed a wake up call on that one.  That I’m not alone….this one relieves me because I needed to feel that someone understood, but it makes me so sad that others have to go through what I have.  And that I can handle much more than I ever thought I could.
  23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Any form of, telling me I’ll get better.  “When you get better….”,  “You will beat this….”   NO, I won’t.  This doesn’t go away.  I may be able to find something to make it more tolerable, but it will never go away.  And often treatments that work, stop working.   I also hate it when people say, “You don’t deserve this”  I know they are trying to be kind….but I never thought I deserved this!  And one more….”But you look so good.
  24. But I love it when people:  Tell me how they are doing, want my opinion, want to talk to me as a friend…..Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone asks about my illness, if they are interested and want to know more about it.  But, sometimes I feel like people forget I’m anything more than my illness.
  25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: This may not be the life I expected, so I’m changing my expectations.   I don’t know if this is a quote or anything, it’s simply something I thought one day and it has helped me through accepting a lot of things that have had to change.
  26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:  Often people who have been recently diagnosed find my blog and it scares them, so I start off telling people:  Everyone’s journey with Meniere’s is different.  Most do not get to the stage I’m at, so please don’t think you are going to lose your hearing….or any number of things I’ve been though.  I’m in the very rare group.  I let them know there are many treatments to keep Meniere’s under control, and point them to sites and other bloggers who can give a different perspective.  Most importantly, I assure them, they are not alone.  They can contact me any time, and there are online groups.
  27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  That my husband and I have gotten even closer.  Thank you to our therapist, I think having to go to a therapist about all of this surprised me too.  I was not handling losing my independence very well, and hubby wasn’t communicating very well.  But by going to a therapist we began to communicate out needs much easier, and recognize our needs.  Another big surprise is that people will reach out to me.  I’m very surprised that I’ve touched people, and made some honest friendships with people I’ve never met.
  28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:  (This does not include things my husband does for me)  Come to visit me.  It doesn’t happen often, but I do enjoy other people’s company.  I hate that I often have to cancel when someone wants to do something with me.  I’m already so isolated, and if I have to cancel people often think I don’t want to see them, or I’m just too much trouble.  I don’t blame them, most of my friends have families, and they have to work their schedule around a lot of things.  So missing a visit makes it harder to make plans the next time.
  29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:   Because I have more than one. Some people I love and care about have invisible illnesses.  We need to let people know we are still people, but don’t judge us by how we look.
  30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:  That you care, and maybe you understand some things about me you didn’t before.

Ask me about it!

Question image__by_MultiCurious at deviantArt.com

I got this idea from one of my favorite bloggers LinLori.

I know many of you probably have questions for me, about my Cochlear Implant, any of my health issues…..ranging from Bipolar I to Chronic Pelvic Pain….and the newest diagnosis I haven’t even mentioned here yet….Vulvar Vestibulitis.  You may want to ask how I deal with certain things (like grieving for Sandy), or about my relationship with my husband.  You may even want to ask about my food issues.  Or what my favorite things are….whatever….I’m here to answer your questions.  If I possibly can.

Ask anything.

You all know I’m an open book…I don’t mind telling the details…so if you want to know something, now is the time to ask!

Come on ask….you know you want to know.

What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?

Depression by ninykinin via DeviantArt.com

I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much.  I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state.  I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah.  I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?

I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect.  I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape?  I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.

I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else.   I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive.  This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself.  I need to get my positive outlook back.

The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better.  I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.

I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense.  I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long.  Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better.  I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan.  We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.

No Meniere’s vertigo!

My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled!  July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear!  (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!)  Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant.  (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head.  I’m sure you are all eager to see that!  : )  Just wait until you see it actually on my head!

Other things that have been happening:  We got new carpet.  We replaced our worn out couch.  We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back.   So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick!  I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect.  I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!

Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better?  Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want.  Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence.  I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house.  I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self.  I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat.  We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat.  I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal.  It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road.   We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick.  On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom.  I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom.  eww.

I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions.  I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it.  Now I resent that I can’t eat some things.  That I can’t cook whatever I want.  I don’t like this feeling.

Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday.  July 2nd!  My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today!  So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday!  He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday!  haha  Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year.  Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!”  He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”.  I was sure I was going to be 50!  He said, “What year is it?”  I said, 2012….Ooooh!  I guess I’ll be 50 next year.”  How silly was that?  Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year!  hahaha

Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.

I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again.  I’ve missed my friends.