Trying to write

I’ve started countless posts but, like so much in life now, I haven’t finished any. Do I write about me? How my treatments aren’t working as well as they were in the beginning? How my migraines and vertigo have once again taken over my life? or do I write about the travesties that are going on in this country? I’ve never used my blog as a political voice, I never want anyone to feel excluded or uncomfortable here, but I also feel so compelled to shout from the rooftops that I demand change! I was at the point recently that I simply no longer wanted to live in a world where people treated each other the way we do here. On Juneteenth we celebrated the 155th anniversary of the freedom of the last slaves in the United States. 155 years and racism is still rampant. Our leaders should be bringing us together, instead there is fuel being thrown on the fires.

View of the Bighorn Fire from my home on June 19th, 2020

It doesn’t help that each day I look outside and literally see fire. Normally when I need to escape from the stress of the world I retreat to nature, it calms me, but where I live we are in the midst of a natural disaster. A fire, named The Bighorn Fire, started by lightening on June 5th in the Catalina Mountains surrounding Tucson has burned over 58,500 acres so far and it’s 19% contained. We have an air quality advisory because of the smoke. The masks might help in more ways than one huh?

Speaking of masks, our mayor has issued an ordinance requiring everyone over the age of two to wear a mask when in public (there are a few exemptions) if you do not wear a mask you can be fined or be required to do community service. This is in response to the extreme jump in the number of COVID-19 cases Arizona has been experiencing since we reopened. I applaud her bravery for this, I wish our state, and national, leaders would take such an initiative. I feel it’s my Civic and Human duty to wear a mask. I wear a mask not to protect ME. I wear a mask to protect YOU! Is this political? I don’t think so. This is a health issue. We need to take care of each other. Wearing a mask is to prevent the spread of the virus when you are asymptomatic. Be kind to your fellow human, wear a mask. The life you save may be someone you love.

I think about being here, and talking with you, my friends. I think about sharing my thoughts, my fears, my pain, my dreams. June is Migraine and Headache Awareness Month. Yesterday was Shades for Migraines Day. I was so proud of myself that I at least got a post on Facebook and Instagram with a photo of me and Stuart in our “Shades”, but I had a lot of post planned for this month, they didn’t happen. So many other things happened this month. My migraines are back to being daily. I haven’t had a break in days other than the few hours I get when I go in for treatment, but it no longer last. I still have lots to say on this subject and just because the month is going to end doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being an advocate. I will be posting much more about migraine. I have a lot of information to share, a lot of promise for many people, a lot of hope. Oh, and I will be seeing my doctor in about 3 weeks, so cross your fingers we can get some kind of rescue medication for me. As I said a lot of hope out there. And that’s how I will close for the day…..with hope.

#shadesformigraine #mham

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

So late last night I wrote this long post detailing everything (well most things) that have been happening lately, I decided that most people really don’t want/need to read all those details so let me just sum it all up. (if you are really interested I left the detailed post at the end)

Stuart was laid off yesterday because of lost revenue due to COVID-19. It came as a huge shock and I’m still processing it all. I know we’ll be okay, we are in this together and that’s all that counts.

The beginning of last month we cut my SPRAVATO (esketamine) from twice a week to once a week and I did not do well, both the depression and the migraines came back full force. It has not been a good month. This week we went back to twice a week, let’s hope I see improvement soon. More about this later.

About a week ago I was stung by a scorpion while sitting in my living room. I didn’t have to go to the ER or anything like that. I’m fine. I just hurt like hell, and I still have this spot on my leg that feels kind of weird when I scratch it, but it’s getting better every day.

I had a severe allergic reaction a couple of days ago to something, I don’t know what. My doctor thinks it was a combination of things. Simply put I have had too many allergens bombard me at once, so it wasn’t just one thing, therefore it probably won’t happen again. But if it does I have lots of Benadryl and my EpiPen.

So that’s the series of unfortunate events that have been happening in my life. It really hasn’t been all bad, but this post has gotten way too long! I’ll post more soon, I hope, and tell you all happier things. Like, we got added a new member to our family!! We rescued a kitty. I’ll tell you all about Brody and more soon!

Brody, his first night home.

If you’d like to read more details here they are, this is the post I wrote last night….if you read it, you can tell I was not in the best frame of mind. I hope you’ve had a better month.

It’s 1:33am and I’m sitting here in tears, today, um yesterday, the most recent and the worst of the latest in a string of pretty crappy events happened and I’m not taking this last one very well. Stuart was laid off. We were finally affected by the backlash from COVID-19. It came as a huge shock. There was a big layoff in his company right when they started the work-from-home phase, we felt it was a knee jerk reaction at the time. We don’t know what to think now. There is no rhyme or reason as to who they chose to lay off. The company he works for isn’t really losing any business. They are a huge irrigation company for large golf courses, agriculture….they do supply Disneyland, but I don’t think they stopped watering their grass just because they’re closed, and that is just a small fraction of their business (all over the world). The only thing they are having trouble with is getting parts in from overseas.His team is down to 3 people! They can’t do all the work and no one knows how to do the things Stuart does. They just shot themselves in the foot.

I’m freaking out. It’s not the money, not really. We have money saved, unemployment is higher right now, he got a little severance package, and we have my small disability income and Medicare, however he was laid off before and was out of work for almost a year, I do not want to go through that again. It totally depleted out savings I finally felt like I could have nice things, now I feel like I have to scrimp and save every penny. I had a house keeper coming in once a month to help me out, I can’t do that now. We had plans for the house and yard, not any more…. I’m heartbroken. I’m shattered.

Now for at least some of the other things that have happened over the last few weeks. We cut my SPRAVATO (esketamine) treatments down from twice a week to once a week and I crashed hard. The depression came back in a huge black wave. It has been suffocating. With the depression, came the migraines, and the increased dizziness and vertigo. The good news, we increased it back to twice a week this week, hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon. But I really do not want to be tied to this stuff twice a week, that takes two days out of my life every week. That isn’t really feasible. I could never even go out of town, and when Stuart gets a new job I don’t think they will be too pleased that he has to take 2 days a week to take me to these appointments.

Next, I was stung by a scorpion. Stuart lived in the desert for many years and never even saw a scorpion, I live here less than 2 years and get stung by one while sitting in my chair watching TV. The irony, you gotta laugh. I had no idea what had happened, I only had this very intense nerve pain in my leg. I yelped in pain and told Stuart, then I noticed that there was a red spot on my leg, and he got me a Benadryl and ice real quick. Because of his quick thinking (we thought it was a spider bite) it didn’t swell at all. It hurt so bad that night I barely slept. For two days it hurt and felt numb at the same time. This was over a week ago and still if I scratch in that place it feels funny, kind of tingly, but it’s getting better. Oh, Stuart found the scorpion the next day, dead. When I looked up the symptoms it was dead on for a scorpion sting.

Day before yesterday I had a pretty severe allergy attack. I was just sitting in my living room and my throat started to close up. Stuart was just in the next room but it closed to fast I couldn’t call out. I took a Benadryl fast, and started looking for my inhaler, which was hard to find simply because I was getting confused. I finally took about 3 Benadryl and used my inhaler so many times I just don’t know. I’m just glad I didn’t have to use my Epi Pen or go to the ER. It did happen again that night, but I got the Benadryl in faster and it ended faster, then yesterday I took Benadry every 4 hours and I was fine. Today I’ve itched a lot. My doctor (I had a telehealth visit with my migraine doctor yesterday and I had to tell her because I had taken my migraine shot the night before the attack) she said it could be a high load of allergens. The allergy count is very high here right now, and then the scorpion, add in a powerful medication, and we got a cat…the combination could have caused it, but one on it’s own probably wouldn’t. So I’m okay there.

I told my neighbor, who has become a very good friend, that she must think I’m a calamity of horrors. I was so touched by what she said, “No, I think you are a beautiful young lady with the most positive outlook I have ever seen” She will never know how much I needed to hear that.

My Normalcy During Pandemic 2020

A Roadrunner, Quail, and Hare have all come to visit me recently. Their world hasn’t changed at all.

I’m so incredibly lucky, my life really hasn’t changed all that much during this craziness, yet, it has.

We’re lucky, no one close to us have lost their jobs or anything like that. It really breaks my heart for all who have and continue to each day. I don’t have anyone close to me who is on the front-lines treating people, I’m so very thankful to these amazing people. I really don’t think I’ll know just how much this has really affected my life until it’s all over and we find out what businesses have survived and things like that. I’m desperately worried for these people. I’m helping all I can, ordering from local sites online, buying gift cards…, but will it be enough?

For me personally, I don’t normally go many places during the week, to doctor appointments, that’s about it. Well that was about it until recently. Recently I started getting more involved in my neighborhood; I was going to Women’s Coffee on Tuesdays and a Women’s Empowerment Journaling/Discussion Group on Thursdays. On the weekend we’d cram in everything else, grocery shopping, seeing dad, entertainment…ANYTHING else! Of course, all of this changes if I’m not feeling well, so things change a lot. I guess that’s why I don’t feel that things have changed all that much, because I’m used to things being canceled. I’m used to staying home, I’m used to not being able to do things I’d like to do, so that part of things isn’t really that stressful for me. But it’s different when you have to do these things and when you are forced to do them.

Truthfully, things really haven’t changed that much though.

I have still been going in for my SPRAVATO treatments twice a week, I start once a week this week. And it has been amazing! First let me assure everyone that we are extremely cautious. I’m the first patient seen, the room is completely sterilized, I only see one person, and they never touch me. Now for the results, as I’ve told you before, my depression is gone! I do feel sadness, but it’s not the same. Sadness is situational and it feels different, oh so different. I never knew just how different it felt. What I haven’t shared is how different my migraines are! I had TWELVE migraine free days last month!! And so far I’ve had 9 free this month! Did I say AMAZING?? Understatement huh? So, let’s cross our fingers it stays this way now that I’m going down to once a week.

I still see some of my neighborhood friends, just from a distance. We have “6 foot plus” patio visits. A couple of us will meet on our patios sitting 6 feet plus apart and just visit for an hour or two. It’s so nice to have a little bit of normalcy in this craziness. I admit I’m upset that as soon as I start feeling well enough to get involved and make new friends I’m sidelined by something that has nothing to do with me, but it is forcing me to take it slower, and that might be a good thing.

Stuart working from home seems weird. Even though he did it for seven years, I was really sick then, now that I’m not as sick, and I got used to him not being here, it’s harder having him around all the time. Well, not hard really, just weird, but it is kind of nice too. Now that he has finally gotten off the dining room table and has his office set up it’s much nicer! Plus, he doesn’t have to add in travel time to go to or from work!

I’m trying to spend more time in my studio, but I haven’t found that I’m actually creating more, I’m just hanging out in there. I’m enjoying that a lot though. I go in there and sort through emails and organize stuff and think of things I want to do and plan things…..But actually paint or anything, yeah, I haven’t done much of anything. I don’t know why. I’ll get there. It’s been a while.

Yes, our weekends are different. However, we are still seeing dad if we can. We take him his groceries on Sunday. (Stuart shops for groceries during the week, not on the weekend, that’s just crazy. He says there are still so many people there with no masks or anything just leisurely shopping. WTH?) We also take him lunch or dinner and spend some time with him. We are the only people he sees. We eat with him way on one end of the table and us on the other. It’s quite funny trying to maneuver the house and stay 6 feet apart, but we do a pretty good job. When we were there yesterday he finally talked a little about Margaret’s death and Stuart’s mom’s death, he doesn’t show his emotions normally and doesn’t talk about those kinds of things, I was very pleased to hear him talk about it. It has to be so hard on him. I’m so glad we are able to see him, at least a little, now. He wouldn’t allow us to come see him for a long time, he’d only allow Stuart to come drop off his groceries. It really takes a load off my mind to be able to see and talk to him.

We are trying to do some walking around the neighborhood. I’m trying to do a bit of yoga and more meditation. We put stuffed animals in our windows for the kids to see, and I put a painting in the window just to share prettiness. A lot of people in my neighborhood are doing the same. We are also doing sidewalk art. I haven’t gotten mine done yet, I just got some sidewalk chalk! When I do I’ll take a picture. I will admit I’m eating very poorly, that needs to change.

How many of you have gained weight during all of this?

What are you doing differently?

How are you dealing with how things have changed?

Decisions

Image by Jan Alexander from Pixabay

It seems like I often stay away from here more than I intend to. I will come here and sit and think of a hundred things to write and feel like none of them are worth actually putting into words. I have some ideas for posts I want to write about that I think are interesting, but I just can’t get those out right now. Things just aren’t settled enough in me to get the words out right, I’m too self absorbed, I guess, to sit down and write about anything intellectual. So for now, if you will hang in there with me, you are going to hear more about me.

I made a huge decision this weekend, I’m backing off on some treatments. Yep, you heard right, I’m so tired of it all I’m taking a break. This is simply taking way too much out of me. More importantly, it’s taking way too much out of Stuart. He isn’t complaining, but I see it. I have at least 1 appointment a week, normally 2, often more. He has to leave work early at least one of those days. If I have an appointment at the pain management doctor he has to take half a day off because it’s an hour away. He also has to do most of the dishes, the laundry….he’s really an amazing man. Luckily we found a housekeeper and she will be coming in starting next Monday once a month to do the major cleaning. We still haven’t finished getting all our moving in stuff straight and we have been here 2 months. I simply cannot do it. We are both so overwhelmed it’s crazy. He’s being made to feel like he’s having to choose between me and work. That’s going to make him hate his job real quick, he’s already talking about looking for another one. I’m freaking out about that. He has to feel better about things. I have to take some of this off of him and the only way I can do that is to remove some of the responsibility from him. Getting rides to doctor’s appointments is not a solution. I cannot hear well enough in the appointment to handle it alone, he has to be there to help me answer questions, and to help me understand what the doctor says. He also needs to be there in case I crash. I often have vertigo attacks due to the stress that comes with these appointments, I would need someone there knows how to deal with that.

I’ve canceled all the pain management appointments, I’ll consider going to another clinic if I can find one closer to us that has appointments at times that won’t take Stuart away from work so much. I do admit I’m having more migraines this month since the occipital block wore off, but it’s not worth the stress of going an hour in one direction to their office. It’s a hard trip, and I don’t really like the doctor. I see my psychiatrist next week, we are normally able to get a late afternoon appointment with her, so Stuart doesn’t miss work, but if I get approved for the Ketamine I’m not sure if I’d have to go in earlier, so that would have to be part of that decision now. I’m changing my primary care physician to a doctor that is very close to me, so I it will be very easy to get there. I don’t think I need to go to a kidney doctor any more, so I’m canceling that. I will keep seeing my migraine doctor, I don’t see her but every 3 months, so it’s not that bad. And if Stuart can’t go, my neighbor said she would take me. I know I can hear her, and I think she will listen to me. A lot of doctors don’t listen without Stuart backing me up, there is definitely a prejudice against women in the medical industry, we have really noticed a marked difference in how doctors treat me when I’m alone and how they treat me when Stuart is there to back up what I’m saying.

There has just been so much going on and I just can’t see where there has been that much improvement. Yes, I do see some improvement, but when you are doing so many things how can you know which one is the one working? I started the Aimovig 4 months ago, they say it takes about 3 months before you can judge if it’s working, well that was the same month I got the occipital block, so I don’t know if the shot or the block was the one working. I think it’s a wise idea to find out which one is helping before I keep spending money on both. I’m also not fond of the idea of continually putting steroids into my body after having avascular necrosis. They told me that it was most likely caused by steroid use and that it’s possible to get it in other joints; I don’t want any other bones to die, having one hip replacement is enough. However, if the occipital block is the one that worked then they can cauterize the nerve and that could last a couple of years. But they want to do an occipital block on the other side first and then they plan on doing injections in my back to help the muscles that won’t stop firing….that’s a lot of steroid injections. I think seeing another pain specialist to get another opinion might be a good idea anyway. I think my back might need some myofascial release. I found a pain clinic that does that kind of thing too, they are only 30 mins away, well at least I’m getting closer…sigh. First I’m taking at least a month off from that kind of stuff. Next I’m going through my medications and deciding which meds I know are working and which ones I’m taking because I think they may be doing something and I’ve been afraid to stop just in case. I’m tired of taking things that I’m not positive are helping. Lots of decisions to be made.

I do have some exciting things I’ve been doing and coming up, including a chronic pain group I’ve been attending and a migraine retreat I’m going to in April, I’ll write about those soon, I promise, but this is getting long. So I’m going to close and get this posted before I decide it isn’t worth posting and scrap it.

Have any of you decided to just take a break from some treatments? I’d love to hear your experience.

Why Am I So Sad?

*Warning, this post may be a trigger for some people. It mentions major depression and passive suicide ideation.

self

I’m sitting here with a severe migraine and I’m certain that’s why I simply want to die, but why do I feel that way so much on other days? Let’s face it, my life is going better than it has in a long time. Yes, I’m having a really bad migraine right now, it isn’t as bad as it was last night or I wouldn’t be able to type this, but it’s still pretty dang severe. However, my migraines are much better overall. I’ve had 5 migraine free days this month! That’s enough for me to be dancing in the streets! I haven’t had a month with 5 migraine free days in….Oh, I don’t know how long! I have a house of my dreams, an amazing husband, wonderful neighbors….So why am I so sad? Why do I sit here and question if I should actually exist? How can life be so much better, and yet I feel so bad so much of the time? I have this urge to just run and run and run. I have this compulsion to pack a bag and leave. Where would I go? Why do I think that would make anything better? In reality I know it wouldn’t, after all, I’m trying to get away from myself and no matter where I go, there I am. I simply do not want to exist.

So these are these are the things I asked my psychiatrist last week, why am I still so sad? Why do I feel no better when everything in my life is going so well? She said, “It’s not what’s on the outside that’s bothering you, it’s your brain chemistry that’s out of balance.” Yeah, I knew this, really I did, but I’ve never had it this bad with everything going so well, and that’s a bit too simplistic for me. So I came home and started reading, I wanted to know more about this “brain chemistry” of mine. I found this article in Harvard Health that explains things really well in language I understood, and I thought some of you might find it really interesting too. What Causes Depression? Onset of depression more complex than a brain chemical imbalance.

More about me….We are still working on getting the ketamine approved. It seems as if it might actually be happening soon, or at least we will be getting a definite yes, or no from the insurance company, instead of this extremely long hold up that both me and my doctor are extremely frustrated over. If they come back with a “No”, I don’t know what the next step will be.

I’m doing everything I’m supposed to to try to be better. I’m eating well (most of the time), writing a gratitude journal every night, writing affirmations every morning, I’m trying to move more, I’m meeting new people, making friends…..All of this is very hard for me. I’m pushing myself beyond all my comfort zones and I’m still doing it, I’m trying so very hard to get better. At least when I’m focusing on those things I don’t have time to think about other things, but then I have days like today when all I can do is sit here because it hurts so bad and I think, “what’s the point?” I was supposed to go to coffee with my neighbors this morning, and I had to get Stuart to cancel for me because I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow it hurt so much. That’s a great way to make an impression, huh? I’m so tired. I’m just so tired of trying so hard, it just shouldn’t be so hard.

I know it isn’t always this hard.

I know it can get better.

I know it will get better.

I KNOW I WILL GET BETTER.

“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” ~Seneca

When I Can’t Take Abortive Migraine Medication

Image by Seksak Kerdkanno from Pixabay

I have chronic migraines. You are defined as having chronic migraines when you have more than 14 migraines a month, I have more than 20. In the last month I’ve had 2 migraine free days. Due to the risk of Medication Overuse Headaches (you can read more about MOH here), and the possibility of some nasty side effects, you are only allowed to take abortive medications twice a week or a maximum of 10 per month. Abortive (also referred to as acute or rescue) medications are medications you take at the time of the migraine to stop it, they are best used at the first signs of a migraine. Abortive medications are analgesics (such as NSAIDS, Excedrin Migraine…), triptans, ergotamines, and on rare occasions opioids.

This week has been a rough one, I’ve had some intense migraines and I’d already used my abortive medications for the week. What’s a girl to do?

Suffer? Yeah, maybe, but I have found a few things that do help a little and sometimes they even get me back to my smiling self. 🙂 Like most migraine treatments these work best if you use them early, when the pain gets really bad, it takes much more to get it under control. (so it’s really hard when you wake up with a whopper) Here’s a little list of things I’ve been using that seem to help me, just keep in mind that everyone is different these might not work for you, or, who knows, they might work better for you than they do for me.

  • caffeine – one of the first things I reach for now is caffeine. I don’t use a lot, but I am using more than I used to. I always keep my consumption under 200mg a day (going over can cause rebound headaches so you have to be careful about this treatment), but when I have a migraine a little jolt of caffeine can help. I normally take it in conjunction with other things. (my usual dosage is about 41 mg in a 16oz drink)
  • ginger – Ginger has been shown to help stop a migraine. There have been a few studies showing how ginger helps with migraines, the one that impressed me the most was one that was held in an ER, the patients that came in with migraines were either given an NSAID with ginger or the NSAID alone and the group that were given ginger were more likely to find relief across the board. There is also a study that showed that ginger was as effective as sumatriptan (Imatrex) for some people. I’m not one of those people, but I do think it helps. So I take 500 mg of ginger now at the first sign of a migraine. Here are some links to studies about ginger Ginger and migraine treatment, Ginger efficacy compared to sumatriptan, Feverfew and ginger for migraine.
  • I decided to try a homeopathic remedy, I honestly didn’t think it would do anything, but it didn’t cost much so I thought I’d give it a go. Much to my surprise, it helps. It’s not a miracle, it rarely takes it all away, but it often lessens it enough that I can function. (I think it’s worth noting that I’ve never taken this without either caffeine or ginger) It’s called Hyland’s Migraine Headache Relief. It contains Glonoinum, Belladonna, Gelsemium, Nux Vomica, Iris Versiolor, and Sanguinaria Canadensis. I found it at Sprouts, but when I did an online search it looks like you can find it all over. The dosage is 1 or 2 tablets every 4 hours. You let them dissolve on your tongue, I like this a lot. If I happen to not have water I can still take this, and it doesn’t taste nasty. I always start with 2, and in 4 hours if I need more I then decide if I need 1 or 2 at that dose. I have noticed no side effects from this so far. I bought this product with my own money, I am not receiving anything from the company, they know nothing of me, this is not an official review or anything like that.) undefined
  • medical marijuana – I’m going to write a post about this soon, probably the next post I put out, but I thought I’d put a little blurb here that I do use medical marijuana to help with my migraines. It is not a miracle, but it does help. However, it is a lot of trial and error to find what works for you.
  • ice or heat – my head is variable, it sometimes feels relief from an ice pack, sometimes from heat, so I try both. Sometimes I’m afraid to try either for fear of making it worse. But normally I’ll try ice if my pain is mainly on the top of my head, if my neck is the main culprit I’ll use heat, if my forehead is where the pain originates I kind of leave it. I have an IceKap, I have found it works well when my head wants ice, but it’s heavy and my neck doesn’t like that so I don’t use it much. However, if you are someone who needs ice for your migraine, this cap is great for getting your head cold and it stays in place. It presses on my glasses though, I don’t like that, I don’t like to take my glasses off when I have a migraine because of the vertigo. (again, I bought the IceKap, no one knows I’m saying anything about it. I’m not getting anything.)
  • Epsom Salt Bath – I can’t do this all the time because of vertigo and other times when I’m hurting too much I just can’t get in the tub, but when I have a moderate headache a nice soak in a tub with Epsom Salts can really help. Add the scent of lavender or mint and it can really be relaxing, and I normally hate scents, but I really liked the lavender Epsom salts I tried recently. It wasn’t a fake smell, or too over powering. It was very relaxing. That’s a good thing.
  • That’s about it from me, other people really like essential oils, but for the most part scents trigger migraines for me, none have relieved them. I do find peppermint a little helpful sometimes, but other times it makes me nauseous, so I don’t like to risk it. Lemon is about the only smell that never makes me sick. Oh…Sometimes if I eat something spicy it will lessen the pain in my head for little while, but it doesn’t last. If you can trigger an ice cream headache, it’s supposed to stop a migraine, but dang! That’s something I don’t really want to try. Oh who am I kidding, I have tried, you know it’s hard to trigger one of those when you are trying to do it. I still can’t tell you if it works, and when I think about it I really don’t want to cause myself that much pain.
  • Note that I didn’t include things like massage, acupuncture…. because I consider those more preventative and today I’m focusing on abortive treatments. Also I’m focusing on things I can do for myself without help.

How do you treat your migraines when you can’t take your meds,?

Did I share anything that you found interesting?

How has your week been? I’m thrilled to say today I don’t have a migraine! The exact opposite of every other day this week. Yay.

May we all have a pleasant weekend. We are finally getting the rest of our furniture this weekend. Woot, Woot!

Ready for 2020?!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I’m baaaack! Whew, I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I actually did write a post during my absence, but, silly me, I forgot to hit “Publish” and it’s out of date now.

Let’s see what was going on when last I left you?

We were getting ready to move into our house. Check, that happened; there are still plenty of boxes and there is actually more to move from Stuart’s dad’s house, but we are in OUR house and it feels good, even if I’m extremely exhausted and flaring.

I had hopes that the nerve block injection I had in my neck was working, but it didn’t. I had a couple of good days, but I think that may have just been good days because it sure didn’t last. I saw the pain doctor again and I had an occipital nerve block on the right side on December 30th to hopefully help with my migraines. I actually do think this one is working. I have had migraines since the injection, but they did not start in that area. That’s great, because a LOT of my migraines do start in that area. It hasn’t been long, but so far I’m hopeful. I also had an x-ray of the thoracic region of my back and it showed no damage; I have to say I was surprised. I have so much pain in that area, and it feels like it comes from the bone. I’m happy I don’t have problems there, but I do wish I knew what the heck is wrong. It’s really hard when you can’t have an MRI. She also wants me to have a nerve conduction study to see what may be causing my arms to go to sleep since the nerve block in my neck didn’t help. I’m not looking forward to that test, it’s not very comfortable (to say the least), but hopefully it will provide some answers.

Right after my last post I had a severe gastritis attack accompanied by severe diarrhea (literally crapping my pants over and over. yes, I know, TMI). I had my yearly physical right after that and my doctor thinks I may also have diverticulitis. I’ve been referred to a gastroenterologist, but haven’t heard from them yet. The day of our move I woke to the all too familiar feeling of gnawing pain in my stomach, luckily it didn’t escalate to a severe gastritis attack, but it was a very uncomfortable day.

I can’t say much about the holidays because it is just a blur. I know they happened because of all the decorations in stores and specials on TV, but boy oh boy we sure didn’t have time to celebrate anything.

So now I am ready to say goodbye to 2019, and face 2020 with renewed hope and wonder. I plan to take each day as it comes, have more fun, and take things less seriously. I’m not going to make up a bunch of resolutions I probably won’t be able to keep, but I do want to face this year feeling a bit renewed. After all, I just moved into a new house, my life is drastically changing. I’m going to be changing places I normally do my shopping and even some doctors…because we now live on the other side of town. So much is changing, there is no need for me to make resolutions, things are just going to change naturally. However, I do plan to make some short term changes throughout the year. There are some things I want to try so I plan on doing some 30 day challenges for myself, perhaps some of them will last longer, I’m sure some won’t last the whole 30 days. For example, for 30 days I want to eat vegetarian, to meditate daily, to journal daily, to draw daily, to not eat out, to not buy anything new except food… Well that’s 6 months right there! I’m not going to be hard on myself if I can’t keep to these things, but I feel like if I put a short time frame on it then I can just try it out and see if it’s for me, who knows it may be something I just love and will keep doing forever, or it may be something I hate and quit in a week, no pressure.

I think that’s enough to get things updated and to get me writing again. It has been one crazy busy month! Not only have we been moving, during the holidays, I had 1-3 doctor’s appointments each week. It’s time to slow down and get this year started.

Happy New Year everyone! May this year be filled with love and happiness for you all.

Ending a Horrible Year the Best Way

Image from pexels

I’m still pinching myself, I just can’t believe how much has changed recently, and all for the better. Wow…just Wow.

Our new home

I’ll start with the best news first, we close on our house on the 19th and we move in on the 20th! Yes, we will be in our new home before Christmas! I’m so excited I could squeal! and I probably have! hahaha We found the cutest house in the nicest neighborhood, I just adore it. It’s not exactly what we were looking for, but I just fell in love as soon as we walked inside. The neighborhood is focused on sustainability. The houses are all energy efficient, the neighborhood has a lot of walking and bike trails, it has it’s own coffee shop, and a few other little shops. It has the greenest school in the country that also ranks very high academically. It’s beautiful. The house has enough room for us and Dad, without being too big, and it has a little casita (a detached guest suite) in the back that’s going to be my studio. And I’m going to plant a lemon tree right outside my kitchen window. Perfect.

I’m able to enjoy all of that because my antidepressant is working better. I still haven’t gotten the approval for the ketamine, but we increased the dose of the Fetzima and it is helping more, I still feel like I have this black cloud over me, but it isn’t dropping buckets of rain and hail on me all the time. I can see the sun, maybe even a rainbow.

I’ve also had a few migraine free days. Yes! I really said that! The days aren’t consecutive, but I have had one here and there. I normally do not wake up with a migraine now, I get them in the afternoon usually. I’m not having as many severe migraines. They are normally moderate in intensity, when they are severe the severe stage doesn’t last as long. For example, I might have a migraine that last 9 hours, 2 of them will be severe. I did have a severe day one day this week, so it still happens, just not like it was. It looks like the Aimovig is doing something. Yay!!

The nerve block I got in my neck started helping, not completely, but I have been waking up most days without my arm being asleep or aching terribly. Every once in a while it will happen, but most of the time nope, it’s good. My follow up appointment was rescheduled because my doctor was sick, so I don’t know what the next plan is, I’ll find that out soon.

I had planned to post much more often but I’ve been so busy with all of the house stuff, doctor appointments, holiday stuff….I am so busy! I will try to post more soon, but I can’t promise anything, the next few weeks are going to be crazy busy! I have a lot of post written in my head, I just need to type them up.

Not everything in my life is perfect, but I’m feeling so much better I can’t think of a better way to close out a really crappy year and start 2020.

A Midi-Me Update – Injections, Psych meds, Houses…Stress

Photo by Thomas Plets on Pexels.com

A little bit of a catch-up as to what’s going on in my little corner of the world, besides, if I don’t write it down, how will I ever remember?

I got the results from the x-rays of my neck, it basically says I have Degenerative cervical spondylosis (often referred to as degenerative arthritis) with narrowing of C5-C6, retrolisthesis (the posterior or backward slippage of a vertebra) of C5 on C6, and bilateral neural foraminal encroachment (spinal nerve root is compressed on both sides) at this same level more extensive on the left.

I went in on Monday and got my injection. They did the injection between C7 and T1, a little to the right, because my right arm is the one that bothers me the most. When the nurse took me back to the procedure room I told her how nervous I was because of my hearing loss and Stuart couldn’t be back there. Since losing my hearing it’s very hard to have procedures BEHIND me without Stuart there to help me. She reassured me over and over that they would take good care of me. I had her tell me everything they would be doing, and I felt a bit more at ease. The doctor came in, this is the first time I met him, I only saw his assistant before, he asked if I could hear him at all and I tole him Yes, but after I lie down and he is behind me it will be garbled and I will have a very hard time. He seemed to understand. Obviously he didn’t, because it was horrible. He talked with his assistant the entire time, it sounded like just chit-chat but I can’t be sure because I couldn’t understand anything that was being said. I had no idea when he spoke to me. I didn’t know when he was going to stick me, nothing. I was terrified he was telling me to be very still or to move or something and I was not able to understand. When it was over I didn’t even know. I was confused if it was time for me to get up. When I sat up the nurse was there and asked if I was alright and I said, “I do not feel taken care of” and I burst into tears. I explained what happened and she said how sorry she was and that it should not have happened that way. I got myself together and went back to my room to get my IV out and leave. The doctor came out and made sure to catch me before I left and apologized. He was very nice and told me that he talks because it calms him, he was very sorry and it will never happen again. We will make sure we have a better way to communicate. I left feeling much better, and I was proud of myself for speaking up. In the past I would have held it in and gotten out of there as fast as I could and simply not gone back. Now they were educated and I had a much better experience.

Unfortunately, the shot hasn’t worked. I’ve seen no evidence of any change. We will have to try something else. I go back the day before Thanksgiving for a follow up, we’ll discuss the next steps then.

Now for an update on the psych side of things. I still haven’t gotten approval from my insurance company for the ketamine. They came back saying I needed to try TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) first, so my doctor’s office had to send back explaining that I can’t do that because of my cochlear implants. Of course, it takes the insurance company forever to come back with an answer. Geez. On the up side though, the new antidepressant she put me on, Fetzima, is doing some good. I’m not back to my normal self, but I’m not feeling like I’m in the deepest darkest depths of despair either. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday and we increased the dosage, I’m hoping it will bring me up a bit more. She told me to watch out for side effects, as it can cause headaches. I asked her, “How would I know?” I was being kind of serious, like, would they be different than this constant thing I have now? or what? But she said, “I guess you wouldn’t.” Well damn. Now how do I know if my migraine is actually getting better but this drug is causing me to have a headache?

We have been constantly looking for houses, trying our best to find just the right house for us before our lease is up. We can move into Stuart’s father’s house, but that means we’ll need to move twice. We thought about renovating the family home, but we don’t really want to live there forever, so we are still searching for a place to call our own. Crossing fingers and toes that a house we saw this week will turn out to be the one. We might just have a very magical Christmas.

Speaking of holidays, is there anything more stressful than trying to organize a holiday meal with people won’t tell you what they will and will not eat until you tell them what you are making and then they just say, “Oh I can’t eat that”, or “The kids won’t eat that”? Ugh! I used to really want to have a family holiday, but boy oh boy is it a pain in the butt. They can’t afford to do much, so we thought we’d do everything, but I couldn’t get anyone to tell me what they would eat. I swear you just can’t please some people. So they are bringing food too, we will have way too much food for 7 people, about half of it, I can’t eat. When we lived in NC we used to have an “orphans” Thanksgiving. We’d have a big meal with a bunch of people who had no where to go for the holiday. It was always so much fun. We’d often play games after dinner and talk for hours. I don’t know anyone like that here, of course, I don’t know many people here.

To make things much less stressful for Thanksgiving I ordered our meal from Wholefoods. I’m adding another vegetable, a desert, and some cookies. That’s all the cooking I’m going to do, and I love baking, so that’s not stressful. I also make my cookies in batches, I simply freeze the dough and cook it later. Also, if I can’t do it, it’s not a big deal, the meal is taken care of, and the other half of the family is bringing a pie, so everything is covered. I find, the trick to surviving the holidays when you are chronically ill is to have all your bases covered in case you can’t do the things you want to get done. Don’t over extend yourself. Rest often and don’t eat too much junk. Try to keep your normal schedule if you can. You might want to increase some of your supplements. I increase my vitamin C, D, and Zinc during the winter.

How do you survive the holidays? Any tips you want to share?