I feel shame (Shame and Chronic Illness)

I’ve been trying to write a post for weeks now, but I just haven’t been able to get the words to come out. I had a CTA scan of my head and neck on July 26th, that’s a CT scan that shows your arteries. I had planned to post about it, to show you the awful bruise the contrast caused, and tell you how I freaked out when the contrast hit me, but I was actually ashamed that I felt that way. They had a hard time finding my veins, as usual, and I, once again, felt ashamed that I’m difficult. I had a bit of a reaction to the contrast and had a very debilitating migraine and nausea for days. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t do anything. Lorraine was nice enough to do a Mindfulness Monday. I’m ashamed I haven’t written since then.

I feel that I have needed to write and tell you how I’m still struggling with the migraines, how the medication isn’t working, and how I can’t accomplish anything really. But I’m ashamed that I’m not better. I’m ashamed that I keep trying different medications and they don’t work on me. I feel like I’m failing. In our culture we are expected to take a drug when we get sick and get better, if we don’t get better then we aren’t trying hard enough. We should change our diet, exercise more…. You see the stories all the time, how someone beat this or that disease by doing these things. We are expected to fight our illnesses and get better, when we don’t we often feel shame. Or at least, I know I do.

With my migraines everyone has a solution. So many people have or know someone with migraine, it isn’t rare, but chances are it’s episodic migraine not chronic migraine. I’m asked so often, “Do you take medication?” and it’s followed by, “I take (or so and so takes)______ and it works!” I want to scream, “Of course I take medication! I take preventatives, and abortives, and supplements, and I use alternative treatments! Nothing is working but I’m afraid to stop any of them for fear it will get worse!” But instead I feel ashamed that I’m defective. Not only do I have migraines, I have migraines that won’t respond to treatment.

Weekend before last we went out for breakfast with Stuart’s father at our usual place. I ordered a gluten free pancake, when it came I suspected it was wrong, but they have never gotten my order wrong before, so I took a bite. I knew immediately it was wrong. I was poisoned. I called the waitress over and asked and sure enough, it wasn’t gluten free. She apologized and I smiled and just ordered a new one. I looked at Stuart with huge eyes and he just said, there was nothing that could be done now. His father said, “it was only one bite” Stuart explained that it only takes a crumb. I should have told the waitress that I didn’t want anything else and told Stuart and his dad we needed to go home, but instead I was too ashamed. I ate that new pancake knowing that I would be sick within an hour or two. I sat there listening to them talk, while my head pounded, my stomach started to ache and get tight and my bowels started to rumble. I ended up having to rush to the bathroom there and it was obvious my stomach was distended by the time we left. I felt even more shame that I could not hide it.

I’ve never been one who is ashamed of my cochlear implants, I know a lot of people like to hide them, but I like for people to understand that I have hearing loss, because I do get ashamed when I have trouble understanding people. I sit and “listen” to conversations, but I often don’t “hear” them, and I’m too ashamed to keep asking for people to repeat what they say. After you are told over and over that it’s not important, you start to believe it, so I don’t worry about it. Then I get more ashamed when I miss things that I needed to hear.

Yesterday I had a very bad day. I woke in so much pain, but more than that when I’d stand I would see stars and I’d start to black out. I asked Stuart if he could work from home, but before he could answer I told him no, I’d be okay, because I was way too ashamed that I needed him. I was not safe, but I was too ashamed to admit that. Last night was the first time I told him how I felt. Now he is afraid he has done something to make me feel ashamed, and I feel shame that I’ve made him feel this way. I’ve explained to him that it’s complicated.

I’m just coming to terms with these feelings. I’ve tried to put a label on this before and called it guilt, but that wasn’t right, it’s shame. Guilt is feeling that you’ve done something bad. Shame is feeling that you are something bad. So, yes I feel guilty about asking him to work from home because I don’t want to take him away from work (doing something bad), but I also feel shame about it because I am ill and have to ask in the first place (am something bad).

Do you have these feelings? This will be a major discussion coming up with my therapist. Shame is not a healthy emotion, this is something we need to battle sooner rather than later.

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The Fight Continues

After a 76 day migraine it finally broke on July 6th, I then went 9 days with 2 migraines that were able to be treated with rescue medications. On Monday I posted about how I believed I was back to my baseline, but I mentioned that I had a migraine at the time and was excited I was able to take rescue meds and believed they would work, they didn’t.

can you see how the right side of my face is affected by my migraine?

On Monday I took Maxalt twice, and Toradol, it eased the pain some, but did not take it away.

On Tuesday I did not use my rescue meds, I used Ginger, my IceKap, and medical marijuana throughout the day, and this kept things to a tolerable level.

I woke Wednesday in excruciating pain, with severe light sensitivity and vertigo. I could not lift my head, or focus enough even read medicine bottles, but I could find the Maxalt in my night stand by feel, so I took that. I texted Stuart by talk to text and asked him to come home to help, because I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. He came home, got me more meds (Toradol, and another Maxalt) and worked from home for the rest of the day. I also used my alternative therapies throughout the day. Wednesday was a very challenging day, but by the end of the day my symptoms had improved dramatically and I was able to sleep.

Yesterday I woke feeling pretty good, the migraine was still there, but I thought it was on the way out. I decided to greet the day with joy and immerse myself in the pool. I had a nice swim, the water always makes me feel better, but I don’t get out there enough. When I came in, the pain started to increase. Then a little while later I stood up, walked across the room, and the pain hit like a hammer, I felt a whoosh, and the room went black. I slowly collapsed to the floor and spent the rest of the day in my chair fighting vertigo. I decided to break the rules and use a rescue medication a third day this week. My doctor had given me a sample of Migranal to try, it’s dihydroergotamine mesylate (DHE) in a nasal spray. I haven’t tried it yet because my insurance doesn’t cover it, but thought I should try it since I’ll be seeing her on the 26th and today would be a good trial. I don’t know if it’s just the sample that’s like this, or if it’s always like this, but this stuff is a pain to get started. You have to break a metal seal on the bottle, pull the plastic stopper out, take the plastic cover off of the sprayer, insert the sprayer in the bottle, prime the sprayer 4 times, THEN you are finally ready to use it. Then you spray it once in each nostril, and do not sniff or tilt your head back (that is oh so difficult) and repeat in 15 minutes. That’s a lot when you are in severe pain with light sensitivity, nausea, and vertigo. It did reduce the pain significantly, however it did not completely break the migraine.

That brings us to today. It’s still there. I’m getting a massage tomorrow from an amazing woman, the last time I saw her I left in the least amount of pain I can remember. It didn’t last long, but wow, amazing. I look forward to feeling her magic.

On the 26th I’m getting a CTA or my head, that’s a CT scan where they use a contrast to look at your arteries. I also see my migraine doc on that day. I don’t think the scan will show anything, but just to be sure. I’m a little wary of it, I’ve had a lot of scans over the last 10 years, that’s a LOT of radiation. How much it too much? Since I can’t have MRIs they use CT scans for everything, that has really been a lot of CT scans.

I am so very grateful for the days I had without a migraine, it is encouraging to know it is possible. I’m also encouraged that the rescue medications are doing something, even if they aren’t taking it all away this week. Living with chronic migraine is a challenge every day, I never know what to expect. I found myself leaving the moment, fearing the future, longing for the past, I am being gentler with myself now, and being here in the now. Today is all I have, I will be here in this moment and accept it as it is. I know I can handle this moment, it is all it is, a moment, and I will deal with the next moment as it comes, not before. There is so much more to my life than my symptoms, it is time to remember that and take notice, each and every day.

Relief. The Importance of Keeping a Medication Diary

Tucson night sky

If you’ve been following my blog you know that I’ve been battling a severe migraine flare since April 20th, I’m so happy to share that I’m finally back to my baseline for my migraines and my rescue medications are once again working so I’m having sweet, sweet relief!! How did this come about? Well let me tell you, this was an ordeal! And it could probably have been sorted sooner if I had noticed something earlier, in the end, I’m glad I wrote about when I started new medications here.

One of the first things I did when all of this started was try to figure out if I anything had changed, had I started a new medication, was I eating differently, sleeping differently….anything? Well I had started Emgality, a migraine preventative, but I started it a month before this started and I was insured that it would not cause migraines. I had also started Viibryd, an antidepressant, but I (thought) I started it in March. Finally after my hospital stay in June, I went through my blog posts and found this post on April 27th that said I started an antidepressant the week before. https://picnicwithants.com/2019/04/27/little-update-from-travels-to-depression/ That was the week the intractable migraine started. The post also talks about how much better my migraines were in March after I started Emgality on February 28th. Ding! Ding! Ding! Could it be that this drug was contributing to this migraine flare? I was going to find out! I looked up the side effects for Viibryd and sure enough, one of the common side effects is “headache” (15%) and one of the lesser side effects is “migraine”. I put a call in to my psychiatrist and a message in to my migraine doctor. Wouldn’t you know it, my psychiatrist was out of the country! Ha! Glad to know my doctors had a good time traveling this summer! So, everyone knows what I did with my migraine doctor, if you missed it, you can check out my post on SPG Blocks here, but keep in mind that I was still on the Viibryd at the time. I got a message from my psychiatrist PA and they said that migraine wasn’t a side effect of Viibryd (Can you see me rolling my eyes?? I read the prescribing information handout that comes from the manufacturer, where did she get her information?) In the call I’d also asked about a couple of other antidepressants that are used at migraine preventatives to see what they thought, I was told that they didn’t go with Viibryd. Umm, I’m not going to stay on Viibryd! But she couldn’t seem to understand that. I can’t say it is all her fault, the front office there is awful! I love my psychiatrist, but it is horrible to try to get messages through, so I decided to slowly taper off of it by myself, and just wait for my appointment which is next week to discuss the rest. And guess what?! After being totally off Viibryd for about a week my migraines dropped to about my baseline, or below.

Since my birthday, I’ve taken a rescue medication once! Don’t get me wrong, I have had more than one migraine, but they haven’t been severe and I haven’t felt the need to take medication for them. At the first sign of a migraine I’ve been taking 500mg of Ginger and it has been helping (this is a great article about the efficacy of ginger in helping migraines). As I’ve mentioned before, I can’t take rescue meds more than 2 days a week, so unless a migraine is bad I normally don’t take it since I often have migraines an average of 5 – 6 days a week. I save those 2 days for days I have something planned, or days when it is very severe.

I just noticed that today is the 15th and I haven’t taken migraine meds since the 5th! Wow! Perhaps the Emgality is doing something too? I’m really thinking that the Viibryd was messing me up big time. And so far I haven’t noticed my moods dropping since I’ve been off of it. You know, I’ve been fighting a migraine today, but I think I’m going to take something for it. This is great! Maybe I won’t have to save my medication for worse days? Do I dare hope?

To close I’d just like to say that this has taught me to always mark on my calendar when I start and stop medications, and pay close attention to how my body changes. I really thought I was on top of these things, but obviously it can slip by you, especially during busy times and times of high stress. If I had been able to put together that this had been a side effect earlier I might not have suffered for so long.

Me and My Migraine

TX360 nasal applicator for SPG blocks for headache disorders

I’m happy to say I was able to get into see my doctor on the 18th, I’m sorry to say I still have this migraine. I’m happy to say I have had some relief, I’m sorry to say it has been very short lived.

When I saw my doctor we started the SPG ( Sphenopalatine Ganglion) blocks. You can see the device in the photo above. When they first started doing these blocks the procedure was much more invasive, now I can do it by myself. I’ll show you:

First you get the anesthetic in the syringe
Then you put the device together and place it in your nose (note the long tube that is shown in the main photo is up in the device at this point, not up in my nose)
Fist you just let the plunger fall, that releases the little tubing, then you press the plunger end and that releases the medication, and that’s it. Then you repeat it on the other side.

For the sake of time and because I’m feeling mighty lazy and hurting, here’s a link to an article about how SPG blocks are supposed to work: Sphenopalatine Ganglion Blocks in Headache Disorders

To break this migraine flare that has been going on since April 20th, I am to do these blocks every day for 10 to 14 days. Today is day 9, I’ve had a few hours of relief, but that’s all. I feel that as soon as the anesthetic wears off the pain returns. Sometimes it is within a few minutes, sometimes I get an hour or two, but never longer than that. I had hoped that the time would build up and up as the treatment progressed, I’m losing that hope now. There have been times that the pain has been so severe that I have considered going back to the Emergency Department, but why? I know it would do no good.

This has become very hard to talk about. People ask me how I’m doing and I find myself lying. I don’t want to tell anyone that I’m still in so much pain. I don’t want to keep avoiding social activities. I’ve forced myself to do things, but I did have to excuse myself because I was getting too sick. I’m embarrassed. I know people do not understand. I know they are tired of hearing it. I’m tired of living it. I’m tired of saying it. I’m tired of hearing people say they are sorry. How long can they continue to feel bad for me. I don’t want pity. I know they can’t understand. If this is my new normal I will have to learn to live with it. I have to learn to push through it. To be able to say, “I’m fine” when people ask, and somehow mean it. I have to be able to put on the face and be okay with that. No one wants to be around someone who is consumed by pain all the time. How do I answer these questions? No I’m not better, but I’m okay…..some days, some days I’m not okay, but that’s okay too.

I can hear it….. It’s just a headache. Is she ever going to get better? Can’t she just take something? Why doesn’t she get a better doctor? She exaggerates. It can’t hurt THAT much. She’s ALWAYS sick. I’d do this or that if I were her….massage, integrative medicine, acupuncture, chiropractic, this or that supplement, this or that diet, this or that exercise, a certain pillow, essential oils, TMJ treatments….believe me I’ve tried so much my head spins from it all and I’m still considering more!!

Can you understand why I would lie about how I’m feeling? Why it’s getting so hard to talk about it? I am just so tired.

Migraines Suck

Warning: this post may contain whining, feeling sorry for myself, and just plain complaining, but most of it is simply the way things are right now….it sucks, I accept that, but no I don’t like it and I wish it were different.

The last two weeks I have experienced some of the worst symptoms I can recall in many years. I woke up one day a couple of weeks ago now, feeling pain creeping up the left side of my head, it felt like my brain was hurting, inside my skull, my brain was being squeezed. It started on the left side and crept up over my head until it covered my whole brain, I could not help but cry out. I woke Stuart and he could only hold me. The intense feeling of motion, the pressure in my skull, the extreme nausea…it was horrible. Finally it eased to the point that I was able to simply pass out. Then it came back! This happened three more times. I decided sleep was not going to help, so I got up. It continued to happen throughout the day, no matter how much medication I took. Nothing worked. That was the beginning of my walk deeper into hell.

I’ve barely been out of the dark, the light sensitivity has been more intense than I’ve ever experienced it. Often I have not been able to get out of the dark at all. For days on end I couldn’t look at my phone or computer. I’ve been having the feeling of intense movement all day, with visual vertigo on and off. My vision will tilt, double, and is constantly blurry. For 2 solid days I could not focus enough to see much of anything, I just sat in my chair curled up in a ball, with sun glasses on, a towel on my head to further help block out light, an ice pack on top of that, staring at the TV watching shows that I’d seen over and over, just so I knew what was going on, since I couldn’t really focus enough to read the captions and often couldn’t even see what was going on at all. It’s bad enough to be in severe pain and dizzy, but to be forced to have nothing to distract you from that is torture. I tried to meditate, I tried to make up stories in my head, I tried to think of nice places, nothing worked. I was trapped sitting in a chair with my pain, confusion, and vertigo with nothing to help relieve it. I knew at that moment, if I had to live like this forever, I wanted to die.

I continue to fight this. My baseline headache never gets below a 5 now (I have daily headache all the time that normally hovers around a 3 or a 4). Every day the pain gets to at least an 8 for a few hours, and will spike to a 10 on and off. I continue to have all the other symptoms, sometimes they are worse than others, but they are always there. The nasal spray (Zomig) she gave me to try did not work. It’s kind of obvious that triptans have stopped working for some reason. I believe my head has gone crazy because it has gotten no relief. Normally I do get some relief from triptans, so the nerves have some time to reset, a little at least. (my 10 precious days a month when I can take meds gave me a few hours) Now there has been no relief so the nerves are constantly firing and just going crazy. My neurological and vestibular system are on over drive, what is triggering me this much, I have no idea, all I know is that my head is a mess, and I’m miserable.

Now my doctor is out of the country until June 12th, and she has jury duty the first week of July, so she had to reschedule my appointment to July 26th. I admit when I heard this I had a complete break down. I sobbed and sobbed, which of course caused more pain…ugh. But them I thought, I’ve lived with this for so long, a couple more months will not kill me, and I can go to the ER if I absolutely have to. I must admit though, I’m afraid to go to the ER, they treat migraine patients like drug seekers or fakers, the bright lights and noise there is torture, the stress of waiting hours….it makes me worse before they make it better. It’s so scary.

The good news is, her office did get the sphenopaltine ganglion block approved, so I will be getting that when I see her. It’s very interesting, she will actually be teaching me how to do it so I can do it at home. They are also working to get the Migranal approved, it is the Dihydroergotamine (DHE) in nasal spray. I have DHE injectables at home. I haven’t used it because you can’t use it in the same day that you use a triptan, and I had gone over the amount of days I can take meds for the month. When I’ve had intractable migraines in the past, not with the extreme symptoms I’ve been having lately, my previous doctor prescribed a DHE protocol of having 3 shots a day for 3 days to try to knock it out. We are going to start that today. Hopefully I’ll get some relief.

This has taken me two days to write and I’m sure it doesn’t read quite right because my brain is mush, and I know there are things I’ve left out, but I really tried. I even put in a couple of links. Woot!



Week and a day in review

I didn’t do it. I intended to do it. After I missed one day, I still thought I would do it, but didn’t write a single journal entry this past week. I’m such a slacker! I still kept up with my migraines on the Migraine Buddy app, so at least I have that information. Now let me share some of what’s been going on this past week.

On Saturday I had a vestibular migraine so debilitating that I could not walk without assistance. I stayed in a dim room (I really want black out curtains), in silence, with ice on my head all day. (The symptoms I was experiencing included vertigo and dizziness, light sensitivity, noise sensitivity, scent sensitivity, nausea, cognitive impairment, blurred vision, and numbness and drooping of the right side of my face. It was a cloudy icky day.  Finally around 8:30 that night it started to rain.  When the barometric pressure eased so did my migraine, just in time for bed.

On Sunday we went to have brunch with Stuart’s Dad and his wife at her home in memory care. It had been too long since we had been there for a visit, it was nice, but we sat in the little restaurant for way too long for my physical comfort level. By the time we left my back was hurting pretty bad, and I was starting to get pretty grumpy.  I had been feeling so much better since starting the new anti depressant, but Sunday I was touchy, sad, and down on myself. I knew I missed a dose on Friday, but dang. Then that night I realized I missed another dose, I was so angry and ashamed I couldn’t even look at Stuart. (overreacted?)  When I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday I found out that the prescription she called in was for the wrong dosage, so for the last week I have been taking half the dose I was taking the week before. Oops. So no wonder it really messed me up when I missed a couple of doses!  I’m trying new strategies to remind myself to take my meds with breakfast!  So far so good!

Back to migraine talk. I mentioned in a previous post that I messaged my doctor and asked about a new rescue medication because the Maxalt isn’t working any more. I finally heard back from her, there was a problem with their patient portal, after it was fixed I heard from her right away and we’ve talked a couple of times since then, so I feel better about that. Here’s what’s going on there: She suggested one of two things, trying Zomig nasal spray (it is another triptan, but could help more in this form) or try Migranal nasal spray (it is DHE in nasal spray form). I’m trying the Zomig because my insurance will cover it (still cost a lot), my insurance will not cover the Migranal, however, if the Zomig does not work we will appeal to the insurance company to see if they will cover the Migranal. She is also trying to get another treatment approved, a Sphenopalatine Ganglion (SPG) Block. The SPG is a group of nerves linked to the trigeminal nerve, the main nerve involved in headache, and is located behind the nose. They use a catheter through the nose to apply lidocaine to the SPG. I’ve been reading about it, and I’m not sure exactly how my doctor is planning on using it with me.  From what I’ve read it has been shown to reduce chronic migraine frequency and pain severity over a 6 month period after having the procedure done twice a week for 6 weeks. So yeah, I’d like to try that.

The above was written last night, May 16th, I thought I’d finish this up this morning and post it, but today did not go as planned, following is a recap of today.

Today started out pretty dang good.  I decided to try to start the day completely silent to see if my migraines would hold off for longer.  It was a nice way to start the day, the silence kind of forces me to be more mindful. I ate breakfast outside, sat out by the pool, did my breathing exercises, and started to do more of my yoga exercises, but the sun was too bright. I was still feeling good so I decided to sweep the front porch and patio. Gaah! That was the biggest mistake of the week! I got about half of it done when the pain in my back started to get too much, I slowed down and tried to get to a good stopping point. Then my vision got wavy, the pain started in my head, and my back seized. Oh boy. I dropped everything where it was and got inside as quick as I could so I wouldn’t fall down outside. Things calmed down and I thought things were going to be fine, I just had to rest. After about an hour things were going good. I was ready to get up and maybe do something, then the vertigo started, and I was not going anywhere. The rest of the day has been filled with these on and off sensations of vertigo and pain.  I wanted to try the Zomig, but I’ve already taken medication 7 of the 10 days I’m allowed in a month, I decided to save it for days when I have to be out somewhere, or really want to do something fun.

Speaking of something fun, we are planning on going to the botanical gardens this weekend, it is supposed to be a very nice weekend for it.  Cross fingers and toes we can make it there, I really want to go to the Butterfly House, and it closes for the season soon.

the photo above is by the pool, it was taken this morning.  It is my favorite spot in the yard, especially this time of year with the yellow, red and purple blooms.

Me, Me, and More Me

New Haircut Today! New Glasses last week.
You can see the back.
Before.
my before glasses and how my hair has been worn on a day to day basis for many years.

Today I got my haircut!

My appointment was a 9am. I normally wake up between 8:30 and 9am, to insure I was awake for my appointment I had to get up when Stuart left for work at 6:30am. He was very kind and went in 30 minutes later than normal so I could sleep in. hahaha 1st accomplishment – I got up early. I got ready, took silly pictures of me and drove to my appointment. 2nd accomplishment – I drove! The appointment took over an hour, during which a migraine started that hit an 8, I thought I was going to throw up and had a hard time staying up right, but I carried on and I’m fairly certain my stylist never knew how badly I was hurting. She did know I had a headache, but she didn’t know I felt like spewing chunks on her station.
3rd accomplishment – I made it through the appointment. When I left I sat in my car with the air on full blast, texted a friend and drank lots of water until I felt it safe to drive the 2 miles home. (It really would have sucked if I would have needed to call Stuart to come get me) 4th accomplishment – I made sure I was safe. I gave myself permission to spend the rest of the day resting and taking care of myself. I will be doing my breathing and strengthening exercises before sleeping tonight. That will be number 5 and closes out my accomplishments for the day.

I feel like I’m having a one sided conversation with you, my friends, I wish I could sit and have a cup of tea with each of you and learn more about you. This may be the last of my daily musings, I’ll be back in a week or two, or when something exciting happens, until then I’ll be around with a little this and a little of that, until then love yourself. xoxo

This, That, and The Other

In just 8 days since I started writing these journal posts I’ve made some observations. The antidepressant is working, and I’m very glad I took the chance and tried it. I’m in a much better place mentally. On the other hand, I do not see a great improvement from the Emgality, I hope I’m wrong, but as of right now my migraines aren’t better and I’m having an increase in vestibular migraines. Finally, I can see that I get a lot more done than I thought I did, and by paying attention to what I’m doing encourages me to do even more. I may not continue to write these journal entries publicly, (let’s face it, who really wants to read my day to day activites?) but I think I will continue to keep a private journal, I can really see how useful it can be.

More thoughts about my migraines I’ve noticed over the past month or so I wake up with relatively no pain, this has changed since starting Emgality, I used to wake up with a migraine almost every day; however, within a couple of hours a migraine will normally start. There were a few days last month that this didn’t happen, but for the most part, I could set my watch to it. This past week I’ve had 3 vestibular migraines, (a vestibular migraine causes dizziness and vertigo with or without pain) each one has been accompanied with severe pain and confusion. These are not new, but they do seem to be coming more often, and are more intense. Things to talk about with my doctor.

Cactus Flowering Tucson, AZ W. Holcombe

Yesterday I finally spent some time outside. I have 3 types of exercises from my new therapist, breathing, hip stability, and functional. While I was outside I laid down by the pool and focused on my breathing exercises. It was so nice, I finally felt things said I should feel! Exciting! I got all of my exercises done, not all at once, but I got them all done. So, I didn’t get a whole heck of a lot done yesterday, but I accomplished exactly what I wanted to, I went outside, and I did my exercises. The rest of the day I didn’t feel well and didn’t feel like doing much of anything, then right before I fell asleep I had a migraine hit that was excruciating. I thought a cluster was starting it was so intense, but it didn’t quite hit that magnitude. However, the pain was behind my eye and in my temple, my eye watered and right nostril ran, just like when I have a cluster. I had to move because the pain was so intense. So, I’m not positive it was not a cluster, but if it was, it wasn’t quite as painful as ones I’ve had in the past; not to say this was not severely painful. (for me a cluster is the greatest pain I can imagine, the pain I had last night would have sent me to the ER if it had lasted longer, but it was not the worst pain imaginable.)

Quick rundown of today. I ate breakfast outside. I took a bath and washed my hair. (this is a big task for me) I had a dentist appointment (check up, cleaning, fixed a small chip in a filling, and a fluoride treatment), went to Trader Joe’s, had dinner at the table with my husband, made “brownies” (hopefully I’ll sleep better tonight), and watched old Dr. Who’s for a bit. I did have a migraine that started shortly after breakfast but it didn’t get above a 6 all day so I was able to function. I used my functional exercises while making brownies and my back hurt less, but it did start to hurt more after I finished. I’m just thrilled I was able to get them all mixed up and in the pan without being in intense pain. Today was a FULL DAY! Tomorrow is an early day, so I’m going to bed.

Short day

The day started out okay. I could have slept longer but Kiki decided it was time to play, and who can argue with that face?

Kiki

It was a normal morning, I had my breakfast, took my meds and thought about what I could accomplish today. I only had 3 things I wanted to get done 1- spend some time outside, 2- fill out insurance information for cochlear implant replacement, 3- do my new exercises.

Out of the 3 the exercises were the most important, so I decided to do that first. Then I looked down at the floor and thought, “There is no way I’m getting on that dirty carpet and have my allergies go crazy again, I’ll vacuum it first.” So, I picked up everything on the floor, moved things around, pulled out the vacuum and vacuumed our small living room. It was going well, then right before I finished I had a shooting pain through my head, the room spun and got dark, I had a hot flush, got nauseous, and had to sit down fast. Another vestibular migraine.

The pain lessened in intensity in a relatively short period of time, but I’ve had continuous other symptoms throughout the day. I feel awful and can’t trust my balance at all, so I basically spent the day curled up in my chair watching Netflix (I saw a talk by Brene’ Brown and an episode of Queer Eye) then I watched cooking shows (which made me want to bake bread and make my own crackers.) Have I mentioned I’m obsessed with The Great British Bake Off? I watch it over and over, can’t wait for a new season to come to the US. Oh, it’s called The Great British Baking Show in the US if anyone is interested.

Now I’m off to bed, having only accomplished, let’s see, nothing on my list for today; and that’s perfectly okay. I got the living room vacuumed!

I do believe the new antidepressant must be working, 2 weeks ago having a day like today would have made me feel worthless, useless, and filled with dread. Today I can take it for what it is, life at this moment. Nothing more, nothing less. I guess it was a good day after all.

Weekend Warrior

One of the last of the wildflowers 2019 Tucson – W Holcombe

I missed writing yesterday, it was such a full day I just didn’t get it in.

Before my painting class with my niece I decided to take a Maxalt, and a couple of toradol with a little caffeine to see if I could get this migraine to a level where I could not only be present for the day, but also enjoy it a little. The pain did get to a more tolerable level, and after an hour I took the 2nd dose of Maxalt (if the pain doesn’t subside with a first dose you are supposed to take a second, I normally don’t because I don’t want to run out of my medication too soon, but on special days I will), after the second dose the pain was reduced more! Yay. The class was fun. I was sad because I cannot understand most of what my niece says, she speaks very quietly most of the time and does not move her mouth much at all. I’d love to be the aunt she could whisper too and tell secrets, but I can’t hear most of what she says. It makes me so sad. It did bother me that I did not get a thank you at the end of the day, I wasn’t surprised, that saddens me too. I do think she had a good time, though.

After our painting class we went out for pizza with the family. It’s always a mixture of emotions when I spend time with Stuart’s family. I like the feeling of family, but it can be a bit too much for me all at one time, and Stuart’s sister is very boisterous. I can only take her in small doses. We had to go back over to their house for some things after lunch so my time with her was close to hitting it’s limit before we left, and I was starting to have more pain.

When we left I was still feeling pretty good though and decided I did not want to waste it. I knew I might be pushing it a bit too much, but it’s a good chance that the next day could bring increased pain no matter what I do, so when I’m able, I’m taking advantage of it. I found out about this little clothing store that carries a style of clothing that I like so we went to check it out. Funny thing, I got 2 dresses, and neither one of them are in the style that I went there looking for. ha!

After that we were both bushed, but we wanted a treat so we got frozen yogurt before we went home and spent the evening watching baking shows and old Dr. Who’s.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. Ate breakfast, picked up a few things around the house, then set out in the backyard to poopy scoop, something I haven’t done in a very long time and I’ve been feeling very guilty about it. I walked out and saw that the little rake and pan that I use to do it had been moved. “Oh no, my landlord felt the need to pick up my dog’s poop!” I felt so ashamed. I told Stuart and he said he wouldn’t feel bad if someone did that he’d just thank them. Ugh! I thought well no wonder stuff just accumulates on the porch and things are not put away….he feels no shame about things. Our back porch looks awful, he should be ashamed. So I told him so! Then I went out there and cleaned up the back porch! I moved and rearranged plastic totes (they are empty), I swept down the cob webs, I swept off all the totes and pool floats, I swept the porch (boy was there a lot of little mesquite leaves on there!), I wiped down the grill, and I got Stuart to get rid of the 2 cardboard boxed that were back there. Now my back porch looks all clean and organized, and we look like we take pride in our home. I am absolutely amazed at how much I can do when I’m mad! The amazing thing is, I could sweep like that and it didn’t hurt my back much at all, but have me stand at the kitchen counter and try to bake or cut up veggies and it hurts so bad it brings me to my knees.
(Yes, I know the whole thing about feeling shame sounded snarky, I felt snarky at the time. I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I know a lot of my anger actually came from feeling that I can’t do my share to help keep up the house and the yard. Stuart and I talked about it, and he says he understands, I think he does, and I still think he needs to feel a little shame now and then. lol)

After all that adrenaline flew out of my body I fell into a heap in my chair and crashed. Then after about an hour I started seeing the world vibrating and going dim, I suddenly felt high but I hadn’t done anything to cause it, then the pain hit; a vestibular migraine had started. It wasn’t quite lunch time when I curled up ready for the end of the day.

I had a very full weekend, I got a lot of things done and had some fun, now for some sleep.