I’m afraid.

I’m writing this on my phone.

It’s late.


I should be asleep, or at least trying to sleep.


Today has been just a bad day,
an emotionally turbulent day.


I’m afraid to go to sleep.


Reading hasn’t been helping.


Are you ever afraid to sleep?


I’m afraid he’ll be back.
That security guard looming over my bed,
saying things I can’t understand.
His face contorted into hatred.
It was obvious he didn’t believe me when I said I’m deaf, but I couldn’t hear him.
I found out later he said “You we’re just talking with them!”


Does me talking mean I understand their words?
Does me saying “I Do Not Understand” , mean I can hear?
I could see their actions, I commented on them, does that mean I heard them?

No!
No it does not!

For a while after I got home I had nightmares.
I was afraid to sleep.
Today my emotions were in a bad place.
I feel useless.


A vestibular migraine looming over me for a month, makes things worse.


I’m causing more issues for Stuart.


I’m overwhelmed with guilt.
I’m hurt
I’m sad.


I’ve been pushing it down, but tonight it’s back
I’m afraid


Are you ever afraid to sleep?

I’m 59 years old and I hurt all the time
For 30 days I’ve had vertigo every day.
I’m losing muscle tone
My thighs seem weak.
If I’m like this at 59, how will I be at 69?
79?
Do I even want to know?

Each night I make plans for the next day, it all rarely happens.


I’m tired.


My quality of life stinks.
It has for a very long time.


I’m so very grateful for my amazing support
I’m privileged.
So why am I so sad?
So mad!?
So scared… all the time.

Are you ever afraid your life will never get better?


Are you ever afraid?

Do I deserve to be treated the way I was at the hospital?


I’m afraid.


Please don’t say I need to do more about this.
I don’t have the energy, and I don’t know their names.
An official complaint has been made.
My only goal is to help prevent this happening to someone else.

No one deserves it!


Even me.

I’m still afraid.

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10 thoughts on “I’m afraid.

  1. Oh fucking hell, Wendy. I don’t know who this security guard is but he’s a complete moron and if I had the energy and muscle (both are now lacking greatly) I’d beat some sense into him. I’m sorry that happened. And I’m sorry you’re struggling the way you are physically and mentally. You’ve been through the wringer and every day is a repeat when you’re in pain, unwell, afraid of the uncertainty, sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    It’s way easier said than done but please try to not heap quite so much guilt on top of yourself. Ideally you wouldn’t have any at all but I get what that’s like. I struggle with guilt a lot and even the best introspection and psych self-analysis won’t make it stop. But I take an outsider perspective of you and your situation so I see it more objectively – this isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for this. You don’t want this. You’re doing the best you can just to get through each day and that is good enough.

    You will get through this and there will – as cheesy as it sounds – be brighter days because there have to be.

    Sending lots of love and hugs your way,
    Caz xxxx

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    1. With everything you have going on… That is not your fault… You are such a dear for caring about me and reaching out.

      You are so kind and thoughtful
      Love you. Wen

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    2. You are such a dear sweet person.
      I’ve missed your last few posts, not getting email notifications 🀷
      I hope things are moving along and your improving day by day

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      1. Rita McGregor

        I’ve not been getting almost any of my email notifications for bloggers posting anymore. Like we have the energy to deal with that, too, right? LOL!

        I am okay. Been gradually getting worse actually over this past year with the immunotherapy reactions–like exhaustion, bowel issues, and such–but the tumors are still shrinking and that’s what’s important. I got (unreasonably possibly) struck to the core when I was told that even if the tumors are totally gone by my next scan in January that they recommend I stay on the Keytruda for another YEAR! It’s only been around six years–how much can they say it is a productive thing to do that will keep me from getting cancer back? There are only a very, very few people who have had the cancer disappear in the first place so how can they know much of anything really?

        Meanwhile–Dagan and Leah are finishing off their basement (which has been packed, along with their garage, with storage for other people and with Leah’s mom’s stuff when she died plus their own stuff for the past ten years) and they’re building me a MIL apartment! They are so excited that I said yes–I have never felt so loved. Won’t be moving till next year sometime–at least I hope it’s done by then. Moving is huge!

        Anyways, you can catch up on the blog if you’re interested. But that is what is happening over here. Also have a new rescue cat. So much has been going on the past few months–whew!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Whew! Is right!!
          I’m thrilled about the MIL suite.
          My FIL will move in with us at some point. I wish he’d do it now, he hasn’t looked great the last few times I’ve seen him. If he wants total privacy he could have the Casita (like a FIL suite in our backyard)
          I think he’s staying away for two reasons, because of my illnesses, and he’s afraid he won’t like our cooking πŸ˜† we eat much healthier than he does. He eats out or frozen meals ALL the time.
          Hey he could always get deliverery. πŸ˜‰

          Thanks for the catch up, I’m pulling for you.
          Oh, I’ve suddenly developed an allergy to our cat, any suggestions?
          xoxo wendy

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          1. Rita McGregor

            First of all, I don’t know anything about cat allergies. I’d probably ask an allergist if there is anything you can do. I vaguely remember reading about someone taking something so they could live with cats…but with all the medications you are on who knows if adding anything to the mix would be a good idea.

            Sounds like your FIL would only need a frig/freezer and a microwave if he buys everything or eats out, you know? It is difficult for people to lose their independence. I lost a huge chunk of mine over 20 years ago. It was hardest the first couple of years for me. And I have lost more in the last year, too. But my being able to bond with the grandsons is priceless for me. I have missed them so much the past 2 1/2 years–due to covid and cancer. Having my own space to myself–also priceless–and I will have both. πŸ™‚

            Oh, and all my art/craft/writing supplies–if I wasn’t sleeping in my chair for the past five years due to my back issues–could never give up all of those to have a bedroom, you know? I will still have my studio–also priceless to me. Plus having someone close to check on you once in a while so you don’t have to worry about dying and being eaten by your cat–ROFL!–isn’t a bad thing. πŸ˜‰ After my sister fell in the shower and laid there for two days before she was found (brain tumor)–makes you think about those things.

            Life has been rougher the past couple years–beyond covid–for me. Yours has been, too. We are blessed to have people who love us and care for us. I am extra, extra grateful for them and love them so much. Doesn’t seem like I can tell them or show them enough. πŸ™‚
            We are blessed, Wendy.

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  2. Sorry Wendy. I totally missed this and the next post! I am off in some strange netherland . .
    I had to resign in — usually, I can bop over as phylor. But enough about me.
    You are processing a whole lot of shit — and there is some wisdom in the idea that “it’s darkest before the dawn,” meaning late night mind-meanderings can lead down dark and dangerous paths. But, that’s what the mind does — especially when dealing with trauma. Everything and anything can be a trigger.
    When I had my first “fall down on the floor” panic attack, it took a long time to get over the cause.
    When my space was violated, I had images of it seared on the back of my eyeballs — that time I became afraid to be alone at night. Eventually, I got over my fear of the dark and being alone. So, with time, you might be able to make that horrid face less fearsome and fearful. Not saying it’s easy, but you are, after all a warrior princess.
    Persuing complaints is up to you — yes, it’s time and energy and emotionally consuming. Not easy. But, I found, in the end, it was helpful for me. Not always successful, but part of the letting go of the fear and the anger. But’s it’s up to you and Stuart. Not saying you have to or should, just it can be part of the tao of healing from trauma and emotional pain.
    Sorry, again, I missed these posts. I rarely go to into the blogesphere. I sometimes go to facebook, which reminds me to visit blogs, lol. Now off to comment on your next post.
    With deepest love, gentlest hugs, and strongest reassurances.

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