A Day in my life…..

During my last post I told how I planned to do some journal posts during the month of January.  I planned on these being open and honest reviews of my days, then I realized I wasn’t totally honest while writing my last journal entry.  I talked about the good things, the things I accomplished that day, but I glossed over the fact that I had a vertigo attack.  I just slightly mentioned it, instead of saying how horrible it was.  How it stopped me dead in my tracks.  How I was stuck in a chair for over 2 hours not being able to focus on anything and being so upset that the day was ruined.  (as you know now I decided to risk things and go out anyway, very unlike what I normally do, normally I stick very close to home after having a vertigo attack, but I was determined)  During the attack I was scared.  It is a very tough thing to deal with.  After the attack, I’was exhausted and had to rest for a while before I could do anything else.  Everything I did I pushed through.  That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good day, it did turn out to be a very good day.  I simply glossed over the rough parts when I was journaling about it.

Well, day before yesterday was a good day.  Yesterday I paid for it, but I couldn’t give in and just rest all day, I had my yearly physical I had to go to.  I ached all over and just wanted to stay in bed all day, but I had to go to the doctor and have her poke me a bit and talk about my blood work.  I hate going for my physical, often they find something else wrong, who wants to go find out something else is wrong?  This time I didn’t find out anything else is wrong.  Yay.  My cholesterol is still high.  The good cholesterol is in good shape, but the bad and total are not in good shape and my triglycerides are too high, as usual.  We discussed my diet.  First she told me that I’ve lost weight.  SIX pounds!  Woot!  Yes I’m being sarcastic.  She was trying to be supportive, but really, 6 pounds in a year, is not good. (She had no idea I’d been trying to lose around 40lbs the whole year.)  So we discussed how I could get my weight down and my cholesterol in better shape.  I have a friend who has been on the Ketogenic diet for a while, so I asked about that before she suggested anything and she said it was a good diet for what I need.  She said it is good for people who have to be more sedentary.  The Ketogenic diet is very low in carbs and high in fat.  This is very different than I am used to eating.  I don’t go crazy with carbs usually, so I don’t think that is going to be too big of an issue, however increasing the fat is going to be odd.  It’s just so counterintuitive to what I’ve always done.  As soon as I can wrap my head around this and all the sweets from the holidays are out of the house, I’ll start the diet.  wish me luck.

Today I’m still achey.  I’ve had a migraine all day.  I had an appointment with my therapist this morning.  That’s going well, I think.  Some days I wonder why I’m spending so much money to just sit in there and talk, am I really that hard up for friends?  By that I mean that on some days I feel like all we talk about is stuff you’d talk about with your girlfriend.  Like, I found out who cuts her hair….now my hair finally has a good cut!  But if I think about it, most everything we talk about comes around to something that could benefit me in the long run.  So it’s all good.

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On the way home today we stopped off to buy more yarn.  Yes, I’m really enjoying my Knifty Knitter, so much so I think I’m going to finish my first scarf in a week….or less.  I’m thrilled that when I’m all achey and feel cruddy I can still sit and “knit”.  I feel productive.  I’ve always wanted to make baby blankets for charity, now I might be able to do that.  I’m looking into it.

Right now everything is taking much longer than it should.  But that’s normal for me.  Right now I’m going on 2 hours for writing this post, and I know it will go longer.   I keep wording things wrong, can’t think of words, can’t spell, or I simply get stuck.  At this moment I hurt too much to think and I don’t want to try any more….it’s just too hard.

It’s very unfortunate that cannibus is illegal in most states.  I’ve used it to help me in the past, but it is illegal in my state.  I’ve tried cannibus infused coconut oil to help with the pain and sleep, it is amazing for that.  I’ve used it via a vape pen during a vertigo attack and it stopped me from throwing up and slowed the vertigo.  What I wouldn’t give for it to be legal.  I’m having a hard time recently with vertigo and pain, it just makes me think about this more and more.

I think that’s all for my journal entry today.  I didn’t mention that I had a vertigo attack yesterday and a small one today, but if I mentioned every one we would be talking about vertigo a lot.  However, I think I should mention it every time during these journal entries to bring attention to how often I really do have vertigo.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years Eve celebration!!

Tomorrow in my mother’s  birthday.  It’s always a bittersweet day for me.  I celebrate the day of her birth, but I’m sad she is no longer with us to celebrate.  It’s always an emotional way to start the year.

 

#HAWMC Day 28 – 5 Challenges & 5 Victories

Today is Day 28 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

5 Challenges & 5 Small Victories.
Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of your health focus.
Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small victories) that keep you going.

5 Challenges5 most difficult parts of my health focus:

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  1. FEAR- My number one challenge is Fear.  I’m afraid of the vertigo.  Of course I’m afraid when I’m having it, but I’m constantly afraid I will have it even when I’m not.  I’m afraid of the pain, the migraine pain, the arthritis pain, all of the pain.  I’m afraid the pain will get worse and I won’t have any way to manage it.  I’m working through some stuff in my past and I’m afraid of what I’ll find out.  I’m afraid of more than I like to admit, but I’m working hard to be less afraid.
  2. Finding Doctors – I’ve had a difficult time finding doctors that treat Meniere’s Disease.  Even if they say they do, they often have little knowledge of the disease.  It’s also difficult to find a doctor who knows a lot about migraines.  It has been difficult to find good doctors to treat me.  In each field I’ve felt I’ve found a good doctor, only to be hit with the “I can’t do anything else” line soon.  It is a definite challenge to find a good doctor.
  3. Freedom taken away – Isolation, is a big challenge.  Since I can’t drive, I have to depend on my husband to get me out of the house, this is a difficult thing sometimes.  He works hard and when he is at home sometimes he has things to do here, or he just wants to relax, he doesn’t need to be taking me out all the time.  Plus I have to get over my fear of having vertigo in public before I can go out at all.   My freedom isn’t just taken away because I can’t go out, it’s also taken away at home.  Because of my illness doing certain things are not only difficult, they can be dangerous.  I can no longer cook because it’s dangerous.  I can’t take a bath or shower by myself, because it’s too dangerous.  It’s very hard for me to do any housework, sometimes because of the danger, sometimes because of the fatigue.
  4. Friends – It is a challenge to keep friends, and to make new friends.  Many of the friends I had before I became ill are not in my life as much now.  (various reasons, but let’s face it, I’m a different person.)  Making new friends is a huge challenge.  (I wrote a post about this, Making Friends?.
  5. Food – Food has been a challenge for a long time.  I have had GI (Gastrointestinal) issues for as long as I can remember.  Then I found out that I have Fructose Malabsorption, IBS, and a wheat allergy.  I have a specific diet I must follow so I won’t get sick.  This makes it hard for me to eat out, or to travel.  It’s hard to explain to people, “oh, I’m sorry I can’t eat that lovely meal you prepared”  It used to be hard to explain why I can’t eat wheat, now it’s really hard explaining why I can’t eat onions, apples, and all kinds of things.

5 small victories – list of 5 little, good things that keep you going.

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  1. Successful marriage – This isn’t a small thing, this is a HUGE thing, but it’s what helps keep me going.  My husband and I both agree when we think about it we don’t feel that we work hard on our marriage, it’s just something that comes natural, but that isn’t exactly true.  We do work hard, it’s just something we want to do, so it doesn’t seem like work.  When I first started losing my independence it was very hard on our relationship.  I shut him out and he didn’t know how to talk to me.  We decided to see a therapist.  It was there that we learned to communicate again, and we both have a better understanding of how to deal with my illnesses.  If I could give one bit of advice to any couple going through one partner becoming ill, it would be to get a therapist. It might just make your marriage better.  I know mine is.
  2. Days I can deal with vertigo alone – this is a big victory for me.  When I start to have vertigo I panic because I never know how bad it will be.  See number 1 under challenges, and you will know, I’m afraid!  So going through a vertigo attack without help is a huge victory for me.  I’ve done it a few times, where I’ll have vertigo when hubby is at work and I don’t callv him home.  This doesn’t happen often, so this is a small victory, but it’s a big victory really, every time it happens.
  3. Making new friends – I’ve made many new friends on line.  I have a hard time meeting new people in person, but I’ve found that I can meet some wonderful people on line.  I’ve made some wonderful friends through my blog.  I have one friend that I met through my blog about 7 years ago now, our friendship has transcended the blogosphere.  We email, text, and send packages to each other.  We have called each other, but I can’t really talk on the phone.  One day I hope to meet her.  I think this is a pretty big victory, to go from losing friends to gaining such a deep friendship with someone I’ve never met in person.
  4. Getting out of the house – There are days I can fight through the fear and get out of the house with minimal distress.  When I’m having a good day we can go out and do normal things.  Those times are small victories, they get me through until the next time.  They remind me that I can do it.
  5. Diet – Eating my restrictive diet has made it so I can eat with minimal to no GI distress.  It may be challenging to eat this diet, but I think it’s a small victory, actually a big victory, to be able to eat without GI distress.

 

I wrote a similar post to this one here.

I’m participating in WEGO’s #HAWMC, if you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.

#HAWMC Day 24 – Focus

Today is Day 24 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

Choose 3 images that represent your health focus.
Share the images in a post and explain why you chose each of them.

I don’t really know what they mean by “health focus” so I’m going to  chose images that represent my illnesses or what I focus on in terms of my health.

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I took this photo during a vertigo attack.  I was starting to take a photo of something and suddenly a vertigo attack started and this was what I got.  To me this represents my vestibular illnesses.

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This manipulated photo of me represents the pain and aura of my migraines.  I use this with other manipulated photos to show my doctors my level of pain.

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I created this for one of my doctors because she gave me hope when I didn’t think I had any left.  Now I realize there is always hope, no matter what.  This graphic represents that hope.

I’m participating in WEGO’s #HAWMC, if you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.

 

*all images on Picnic with Ants are created and owned by Wendy Holcombe unless otherwise noted.

#HAWMC Day 19 Rough day? What do you do?

Today is Day 19 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

Everyone has tough days, but how do you pull yourself out of the rut?
Maybe you blog, repeat affirmations or listen to a favorite playlist.
Write about what tools, tips or practices you use to lift your spirits after a rough patch.

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image source pixaby

When I read this prompt I was reminded of a post I wrote a few years ago, I thought I’d link back to it now for your reading pleasure.  Living In The Moment  In this post you will find one of the main ways I deal with the rough days.

A little list of things I do to deal with a rough patch:

  • I do things that get me involved with others.  I reach out.  I text, email, blog, talk….
  • I do things that relax me.  I take a bath, a nap, read, watch movies and  mindless TV…
  • I do mindfulness exercises.  I focus on staying in this moment.  I remember that the past is over and the future is not written (when I’m having tough days I can get caught up in “how good things use to be” and “how bad things will always be”, neither of these things are true, focusing simply on the present can make it not as overwhelming). I meditate and do deep breathing exercises.
  • I remember to be grateful.  I write in my gratitude journal, I am sure remember I have many things to be grateful for.
  • During particularly rough times, such as a very bad vertigo attack, I chant.  I have a special chant I learned in a yoga class years ago that my husband and I chant together when I’m extremely sick with vertigo, this helps to calm me down. Om bhur bhuvah svah tat savitur varenyam”
  • I have my go to books, and I seek out books on mindfulness.  I have books by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Thich Nhat Hanh, and others that I rely on, but the first book I reach for is How to Live Well with Chronic Pain and Illness, by Toni Bernhard.
  • One of the biggest things I need to do during a rough patch is to remember, it’s not my fault.  I’m often hardest on myself during a rough patch, so I try to practice self compassion during this time most of all.
  • During particularly rough patches I reach out to my therapist, remember, that’s what they are there for.

How do you get through a rough patch?  Any suggestions?

If you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.

 

 

#HAWMC Day 14 – Last Week/This Week

Today is Day 14 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

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Case of the Mondays.
Write about something that gets you down, burns you out, or makes you sad.
Purge it in a blog post. Turn it around at the end and tell Tuesday why you’re ready for it.

I don’t want to get all caught up in the self pitting part of Blue Monday.  I had a pretty rough week last week, this week I’m determined to turn it around.  Let me tell you about it.

Last week I had severe migraines almost every day.  This week I plan to take medication as soon as the headaches start.  I will not worry so much about running out of meds, or rebound headaches.  I will work to stop this cycle of severe headaches before it gets too strong of a grip.  (hopefully)

Last week I was very off balance and was having mini attacks of vertigo.  Last week I was not prepared for this.  I’m too used to having my husband here to help me.  This week I will be prepared to help myself as much as possible.

Last week I couldn’t walk without holding on tight to my walker.  This week I will bring my good walker in the house from out of the car, I have a seat on it and a better way to carry things.

Last week I had a hard time getting myself food because of my balance, this week I will be prepared and will have food ready that I can just grab and go.  Food that I can balance on my walker.

Last week my anxiety was very high.  This week I will get back to meditating and taking breaks for deep breathing exercises.

Last week I beat myself up because I felt so needy and dependent.  This week I will practice self compassion.

Last week I cried a lot.  This week I will focus on the positive.

If you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.

 

#HAWMC Day13 – Best Thing This Week

Today is Day 13 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?
Maybe you got great news or maybe ice cream was on sale-
write about it and relive it!

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image source click here

This week has been a challenge physically, and mentally.  It hasn’t been horrible, I just haven’t felt good.  I’ve been a bit wonky.  Feeling off  balance and having a hard time keeping myself upright.  The election has made me anxious and panicky.  As the week went on I started to feel a bit better.  Good thing too because I got good news this week that I would be going out of town on Sunday.  So today (Sunday) I’ll be visiting with friends.

It was so much fun planning the trip.  Finding out that both friends would be home and would have time for me.  I’ll see the first one in the early afternoon when I first get into town and the second will be cooking dinner for me.  This is the most exciting part of my week!  I get to see my good friend, her husband and son.  We’ll have lunch together and visit.  It’ll be grand.  Then off to have a friend cook for me and my husband, and I’m finally meeting her beau.  They’ve been dating for months now and I’m finally meeting him.  I’m so excited!

I will admit there is a little apprehension when I’m going to see other people.  What if I can’t hear them?  What if I get confused?  What if my head hurts too bad?  What if I have vertigo?

Today I will not allow the “What if’s” to sabotage me.  If something happens I’ll deal with it.  The friends I’m seeing are the most understanding people I know, so there is no pressure there.

The excitement of knowing the trip is coming has been with me all week.  As I’m writing this (yes, I’m writing this post a day early so I can go on my trip and not worry about writing it) I’m excited about seeing my friends and all the experiences I’ll have when I’m with them.  I’m so grateful for this time.

What has brought you happiness this week?  What are you grateful for?

If you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.

#HAWMC Day 9 – Ideal Place

Today is Day 9 of #HAWMC (WEGO’s Health Activist Writers Monthly Challenge).  The prompt today is:

Happy Hump Day! No denying life can get hectic, but let’s take a mid-week break to fantasize our ideal day! Would you go somewhere? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not – how could you make it happen?

 

There would be a lot of steps to creating my 100% ideal day.  Any one part alone would be a pretty darn good day, but put them all together and I’d have the day to end all days.

Wait!  There are 2 different kind of days that I dream about. Both require the same beginning requirements:

First I’d wake up with no pain, then I’d notice that my head did not feel the slightest bit off balance.  After I got over the initial shock of this, I’d dance around the room a bit, doing a pirouette for the first time in years.   Suddenly I could hear better with my cochlear implants.  I could understand a group of people if I wanted.  I could talk on the phone.  Speaking of which, on my ideal day, I’d call my best friend and talk for an hour or so.  (I’d sneak in a visit, but I only have one day, sorry love.)

Okay right now I’m just marveling at the fact that my head doesn’t hurt.  My head has hurt every day since I was 11 years old.  My neck doesn’t hurt, the degenerative discs have made just holding my head up a challenge some days.  All my aches and pains, gone!  What a day!

Turning my head I don’t have to brace myself because I don’t feel dizzy.  I don’t remember not feeling dizzy.  Suddenly I’m not afraid.  I know I have this day.

This is where my 2 days diverge.

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photo by jenn dorff

One day is spent on a beach with my husband, just relaxing, building sand castles, riding bikes, walking, swimming, riding the waves, and drinking tropical drinks.  Heck, just lying there drinking tropical drinks would be a dream.  I’d love to end that day in my husband’s arms making love, without pain.  That would be my ideal day.

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click here for source

My other ideal day would be spent cleaning my house and cooking.  On my ideal day I would not get tired I’d be able to really clean my house and cook a fantastic meal.  I really miss being able to do these things.  I know it sounds silly.  Why would I want to spend my ideal day scrubbing my house?   It’s something I can’t do now that I really want to do, that’s why.  But I’d end the day the same way I ended the first day.  Making love with my husband, without pain.  Something I haven’t ever done.

Either of those would be ideal days for me.

What would be your ideal day?  Would it be anything like mine?

If you’d like to read more posts from today please search for #HAWMC and check out WEGO’s Facebook page.  Don’t forget to Like Picnic With Ant’s Facebook Page too.  🙂

If you would like to share your story on Picnic with Ants, contact me through the contact form on my About Me – Contact Me Page.