Some of the best teachers of mindfulness and ‘being in the moment’ are animals.
– Richard J. Brewer
Mindfulness Monday 6
Tag: Art
Creativity As A Way To Cope
As you look around the chronic illness community you will often find that we use creativity as a coping mechanism. There is science to back up our intuition that creativity is a good thing for us.
This quote comes from a much larger article on this subject I found on CNN’s site. I thought it extremely interesting, perhaps you will too. This is Your Brain On Crafting.
Today I thought I’d share with you some things I’ve been doing recently to spark my creativity. I received a tablet for Christmas, it comes with a stylus so I can draw right on the screen. I love it. It’s hard when I have very little space, and I often have to stop working very quickly to bring out a lot of art supplies, so learning how to create art on the computer has been wonderful. I’ve been using an app called Sketchbook. They post challenges that you can take on if you like. This has been perfect for me. I have had a very hard time creating art in the past year, deciding on what to do has been too hard. The challenges give me a focus. It’s like having an assignment back in school. I get so involved in these projects that times goes by without me noticing.
If you would like to see the photos larger just click on one and you can see a slide show that will show them in a larger size.
The assignments were:
- Upper left – Biggest Fear – Title “The Monster Within”
- Top Right – Female Human Animal Hybrid – “Butterfly Woman”
- Middle Right – Modern Mythical Creature – Loch Ness Monster “Nessie”
- Bottom Left – Person I’d most like to meet – “Siddhārtha Gautama” (Buddha)
- Middle Bottom – Abstract Tree
- Bottom Right – Dream Home
Do you have a creative outlet? You don’t stress thinking you are good at it or not, just do something. No one else ever has to see it. Coloring books are really popular right now, this is a great way to get your creative juices flowing. Is there something you have always wanted to try? Photography? Learning how to crochet? Knit? Cook? Stamping? Paper Crafts? Jewelry? Poetry? Writing? So much to try, so little time!!
After decades of research by Professor Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi he found getting involved in something creative produces the same effects as meditation. Something he calls flow.
If you’ve been reading my blog for long, you know I’m very into mindfulness and the benefits of it and meditation. So learning this made me very happy, especially since I just haven’t been able to meditate recently.
(shh, I’ll share a little secret with you, I’ve been really depressed for a long time now. The antidepressants I’m on simply aren’t working. Things need to change. I’ve had a psychiatric nurse practitioner here who writes my prescriptions, but she isn’t very good at working with me since things have changed. I’m bipolar, I’m having a severe mood change, I need help. So I’m searching for someone I can really work with, and I think it’s time for me to go back into therapy. I’m working on it, but it is taking a bit of time. While I’m finding the right doctor and therapist that click with me, I’ll be trying to do as much work as I can to help myself. Including, being a lot more creative. I plan to post much more about my days, to see just how I’m doing, the good days, the bad days, and all the days in between. I hope you will join me on this journey. I might even post more of my challenges.)
Keep Calm and Create
Chonic Pain/Ilness Photography 2015 Project Week 2
The second week of the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project I have been participating in on Facebook has been amazing. The people who are contributions and contributors are amazing. This has become so much more than just sharing photographs, we are sharing our deepest fears, pains, joys, loves….our lives. The support that has been given and felt is nothing like I expected from a Photography Project. The project has been consuming. When I’m not working on the theme for the day, I’m looking at contributions, reading stories, commenting, sharing….when I’m not actively working with the project I’m often thinking about the people, or a certain entry that has touched me. This project will touch me forever. I hope you enjoy my interpretation of this weeks prompts…..
Day 8 – Affirmations
I try to live a mindful life. These quotes help me remember to live in the now, and remember that my body, just as it is right now, is just fine (I’m only human).
I also try to remember to be gentle with myself, I’m the only me I have. (I have a habit of beating myself up a bit, expecting more out of myself….my doctors, and my husband have often told me to give myself a break..I’m learning to.)
The photo on the left I took of my toes in the ocean, with a quote by James Baraz –
Mindfulness is simply
being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different.
Enjoying the pleasant without holding on when it changes. (which it will)
Being with the unpleasant without fearing it will always be this way. (which it won’t) – James Baraz
On the right, a photo my husband took, with a quote by Pema Chodron –
Realize that this very body,
with its aches and its pleasures….
is exactly what we need to be fully human,
fully awake, fully alive.
Day 9 – Support.
The greatest Support I have is my husband. This photo is from our wedding. When we got married, 10 1/2 years ago, I was sick, but not nearly as sick as I have been in the last 5+ years.
He had no idea what he was getting into, but he has always been my greatest support. He is always by my side, always holding me, understanding when I am a complete bitch to him, helping me with the most humiliating task, watching me go through numerous painful medical tests and treatments….he is the only one bringing home any finances, and he also cooks, cleans, takes care of our pets and me.
I feel he has sacrificed so much to give me the best life possible.
He says I am his support, that I am what gets him through the day, I am his inspiration….He tells me he was a selfish person before me, that he strives to be a better person because of me, he tells me that nothing he does is a sacrifice because he’d rather be with me, than do anything without me. How can this be? How can he give me so much, and still think that I am an equal in this relationship?
Our relationship gets better and better. (we did go to therapy to help deal with me losing my independence and understanding how to deal with a chronic illness. The therapist I went to, and soon asked my husband to join the sessions, works a lot with people with chronic illnesses.)
Our relationship is really my biggest support. Together, we can do this.
Day 10 – Comfort
Comfort comes in all shapes and sizes for me.
When I first thought what I reach for first when I need comforting, I thought of my Monkey. I got him right before I first started getting really sick. He has seen me through a lot. He not only cuddles with me, but he makes a great neck pillow, a lumbar support…ect. I take him just about every where. Yep, this grown woman takes her stuffed animal to the hospital with her!My painting of Buddha meditating represents my mindfulness practice, and meditation. Mindfulness practice has been a great comfort to me. I think it has helped me more than most medical treatments. I have also begun to study the Buddha’s teachings in the past few years and this has also been a great comfort to me.
The photo I took of the wild flower with the little bee on it is comforting to me because it reminds me to appreciate the little beautiful things I see, and not get so caught up in all the pain and suffering. It reminds me that life is constantly changing, just as the seasons change, my life is changing….I take comfort in that.
Day 11 – Who I Was:
This was the hardest prompt for me to date. It brought up so many emotions. When I first read “Who I Was”, I thought, I’m still the ME I’ve always been, yes, I’m sick, but I’m ME….then I started looking at pictures…thank goodness I don’t have a lot of photos of the “before” pictures on my computer. This brought up a lot of emotions. Emotions I thought I’d dealt with a long time ago. But grief isn’t linear, and right now, I’m grieving a bit for some of the old Wendy…..this just touches on some of the old me…A little of Who I Was….
top left: a selfie with (my then boy friend) now hubby – a little sexy thing. I miss feeling sexy, or being able to have sex without pain, or being able to have a normal sex life….no, to be honest, I really miss having a wild sex life! I finally met the love of my life, and not long afterward my sex life was ruined. I’m not that me any more.top right: I’m in the front on the left. This is a birthday party for one of our old friends. This was a normal occurrence before I was sick. I was social, I entertained. I went to museums and art shows and parties…… I had a lot of friends. I’m not that person any more.
bottom left: Me on the left with a friend at the NC State Fair. I was spontaneous, I could run, and jump, and play….I loved playing with kids. I was FUN. (sometimes I still am, but it’s hard..it sure isn’t spontaneous, and I pay for it afterward) I used to do these things without fear. I can’t do that any more. The now Wendy is full of fear.
bottom right: Me cooking…well baking…well, enjoying the products from baking…haha. I love to cook. I love everything about it. I have fructose malabsorption, I’m allergic to wheat, I’m hypoglycemic…..ect… These things, well yeah, I’m sick with it, but it didn’t matter much except when eating out, because I loved to cook! It was just a challenge. I loved to play with ingredients and learn to make new flavors with the foods I can eat. I had a gluten free food blog with close to 2,000 followers. Suddenly my balance issues got too bad. I was having too many accidents in the kitchen. I can’t cook now. I really, really miss this….this is one thing I hope I can get back. I can’t drive either, but I’d rather be able to cook than to drive. And I live in an area where I can’t really get anywhere without being able to drive.
LIFE – My little flower represents life….even when it isn’t supposed to be there.
Much of what I’ve already posted are motivators to me, however, I think the thing that motivates me the most is life. I want to live my life. It may not be the life I expected, but it’s still my life. I’ve learned to change those expectations…and simply live day to day.
I read something recently that stuck with me.
Sometimes the best way to motivate yourself is to stop trying to motivate yourself. (That really hit the nail on the head with me. Sometimes I have a hard time getting motivated, especially when I’m depressed. Sometimes I just have to act.)
You do not need motivation to act.
You do have to make a conscious decision to act.
The action could be big or small.
It may not turn out the way you want.
How you feel about that is irrelevant.
(OK…that part is really hard. for me this part means, being ok with how things are, no matter what happens.)
Actions move you forward.
Waiting for motivation keeps you stuck.
What you do with this information, you do in this moment.
The decision is always up to you.
(this came from a website called mindfulness over matter)
I also have to remember to always be gentle with myself and forgive myself if things don’t turn out as I planned. If I can’t get motivated or even act on something sometimes, it’s ok, forgive myself and move on. Give myself a break.
Day 13 – Challenges
Whew – To sit down and think of all the challenges I face each day, I couldn’t sum it all up here. It was difficult to pick what to share with our group.
In the center of my collage you will find a lot of spoons on the floor. If you are acquainted with the spoon theory you will probably understand this immediately. If not, I recommend you read it, you can find it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ I haven’t been the biggest fan of the spoon theory myself, because there are many days I have no “spoons” and I still do things, sometimes you just have to push through it or you don’t make it to that doctor’s appointment you made 3 months ago (yes, I’ve still had to cancel those way too many times). But for me this represents all the challenges I face on a day to day basis that take every bit of my energy, or that I have to get up all my courage to do (like take a bath or shower) that normal people have no problem with.
From there we will go from top left to right around to the bottom left.
Selfie of my incision after one of my ear surgeries. This represents the challenge that I’ve had many surgeries on my ears and they are still ruling my life. Between the vertigo and the lack of hearing, causing me to shy away from social interaction and have fear almost every moment of the day that I will be attacked by my own head and lose control of my body.
The next photo represents one time I had vertigo when in public and was stuck in a parking lot of over 4 hours, I was 1 mile from my home. I finally got my husband to get me home, I ended up having a violent attack for over 9 hours. I thew up most of this time and lost control of all bodily function. It is a huge challenge to get over my fear of having vertigo in public and just go out, and it is a huge challenge swallow my humility and allow my husband to take care of me and clean me up when I have soiled myself.
The last on the top row, another selfie, represents my challenge of living with Bipolar I disorder. I have been mostly stable for about 20 years, but it is still a challenge. I have to be very dilligent about taking my medication and taking care of myself. I have to really pay attention to my body and my mind. If I notice any symptoms returning I need to get in touch with my doctor immediately. There is always a chance the medication my stop working. Having Bipolar I is classic Manic Depression, and it is very challenging.
The middle row left is a do not disturb sign from a trip my husband and I took before we were married. This represents the challenges I have having sexual relations with my husband. If anyone wants to talk about this, I will be more than happy to. I know this is something that is very hard to talk about, but it is very important to break down that barrier. You are not alone.
On the middle left top is a self portrait of me painting. This is a big challenge now. I can paint, but I get confused. There are many days I simply can’t paint due to pain, but I also have a hard time with subject manner and style. I feel more empty inside about my art. I would like to put my illness on canvas to get it out, but I just can’t. I’ve done a couple of commission pieces, but I have to have no deadline. It’s simply a really big challenge. My doodles make me happy, at least I’m doing something.
Just below, you will see my arm with many hospital bracelets on me. This is actually from my last visit to the hospital. This represents the challenge of having to go to the hospital so much. To so many doctors. To owe so may hospital and doctor bills that only my husband can pay. To me it even represents fighting for disability.
On the lower left you will find my Headache Pain Scale. This represents the challenge I have always found in telling doctors how I feel. I don’t feel that doctors really understand patients a lot of the time. I’m lucky I have many good doctors. I’m also lucky that I have the kind of insurance that if I don’t have a good doctor I can fire them. (and I have) But finding a doctor who really understands is a challenge. (also not being able to hear makes it hard for a doctor to make himself understood to me….we definitely can have communication troubles.
The last photo on the bottom left represents the unknown. They have come to the point that they have told me that they don’t know what is wrong. We know I have a vestibular illness, probably more than one, but they don’t know what. I have been told for many years I have Meniere’s disease. I have been through more tests and treatments than you can believe, now I’ve been told, they can’t do any more. I’m stuck with the unknown. There are other conditions they don’t know about, the Avascular Necrosis in my hip, they don’t know if I will get it in other joints….good chance. Some doctors have said that other diseases I have may all go together, other doctors say no? I think my body may hate me. The photo is an x-ray of my hip on the left, and a photo of my ear on the right that I have manipulated beyond recognition.
These are some of the challenges I face. Sorry I couldn’t keep it shorter
Day 14 – My Body
It’s cute….but very fragile.
(note, I could never get in this position, not now, but I used to love yoga, I could have…)
*this is a straw wrapper version of me, created one day when I was playing with the wrapper from my hubby’s drink.
As you can see the Chronic Pain/Illness Photography Project has become much more than sharing photographs. Everyone in the project is sharing a part of their soul. I feel so honored to be a part of this project. One week to go…..
Renovations are nearly complete, sorry for any inconvenience.
As you can tell if you are reading this from my blog, I have changed my look.
If you dropped by while I was trying out new things, I’m sorry for the confusion.
I will be updating my pages and little things over the next little bit, but I don’t think you will really notice.
If you missed the mess….what do you think about the look? I’m still tweaking, but for the most part, the appearance is complete.
*BIG SMILE* I accomplished something!!
What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?
I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much. I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state. I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah. I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?
I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect. I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape? I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.
I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else. I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive. This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself. I need to get my positive outlook back.
The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better. I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.
I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense. I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long. Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better. I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan. We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.
No Meniere’s vertigo!
My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled! July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear! (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!) Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant. (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head. I’m sure you are all eager to see that! : ) Just wait until you see it actually on my head!
Other things that have been happening: We got new carpet. We replaced our worn out couch. We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back. So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick! I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect. I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!
Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better? Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want. Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence. I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house. I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self. I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat. We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat. I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal. It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road. We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick. On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom. I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom. eww.
I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions. I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it. Now I resent that I can’t eat some things. That I can’t cook whatever I want. I don’t like this feeling.
Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday. July 2nd! My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today! So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday! He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday! haha Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year. Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!” He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”. I was sure I was going to be 50! He said, “What year is it?” I said, 2012….Ooooh! I guess I’ll be 50 next year.” How silly was that? Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year! hahaha
Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.
I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again. I’ve missed my friends.
Word Cloud – #HAWMC 30
Today’s Prompt: Word Cloud. Make a word cloud or tree with a list of words that come to mind when you think about your blog, health, or interests. Use a thesaurus to make the branches of your “tree” extend further. http://www.wordle.net/
I did a little bit of a different take on this prompt. I hope you like it.
Personify Your Health – #HAWMC Day 28
Prompt for today….Personify your health. If your health focus were a person – what would they be like? Describe them. Visually, emotionally, physically, and personality-wise. What kind of person are they?
I’m again using one of the Bonus Prompts. I liked this one more than the original prompt. However, once again, I took a different take on it. Recently I made a mask showing what I looked like on the outside to most people, and then on the inside I showed my true self. I felt this answered all the questions put forth in this prompt, but with a little creative flair.
Some of you have already seen this, but I think it’s worth repeating, and for those who haven’t, I hope you enjoy!
by W. Holcombe
W. Holcombe
Needing Strength – Writer’s Choice- #HAWMC 23
Today’s Prompt: Health Activist Choice Day 2! Write about whatever you like.
Needing Strength
The losses, so many losses
my mind struggles to comprehend.
The year has been a blur
I cannot keep up with the grief.
My life has been about strength,
never staying down for long.
Now I am broken, the pieces are scattered,
missing pieces never to be found.
The light in my soul is barely a flicker,
the flame will not light the way.
Until reached, no one knows what their “breaking point’ is,
now I know mine.
I can lose many parts of me,
always finding the strength to change and carry on.
Add the loss of a love so dear,
and I cannot find the strength.
If not for the love of another,
my life would have no meaning.
Grief, anger, love, tears, memories…
all things we share, with each loss.
We lean on each other,
each needing the strength.
The strength to live with,
all the losses.
Pinboard – #HAWMC Day 16
Today’s Prompt: Pinboard. Create a pinterest board for your health focus. Pin 3 things. What did you
pin? Share the images in a post and explain why you chose them.
I chose to pin a few more than 3 things, and probably could have done more. However, I only pinned photos and artwork I created. I chose these images because I felt they were closer to me and expressed what I wanted to say many times.
Here are the photo’s I shared on my Pinterest Board, titled, My Illnesses….pluses and minuses.
Dear 16 Year Old Me – HAWMC Day 10
**warning to readers….this is a graphic letter. Things I really wish someone would have told me and helped me with, some may be offended by the frankness. There may be some major mistakes in the writing, I tried to read it over, but just couldn’t.
Dear 16 year old me.
Hi Wendy….You won’t believe it, but I am now almost 50 years old.
I know you are confused. I know it’s hard to believe that I could be writing you from the future, but please just sit back and listen. I hope to help make these coming times just a little bit easier. Please know, I love you, with all my heart. You will go through times that you don’t like yourself very much, but know you will. I’m just hoping you can start a bit sooner.
Recently you have been very depressed, and confused. Some days you are very happy, a bit euphoric even, and other days you don’t think you can carry on. Everyone thinks you are going though normal teenage hormones, just growing up. You are, but you are also dealing with a bit more. You need to make someone listen. Your mother has always been your best advocate. Sit down with her, talk honestly. Tell her just how depressed you have been and that you need to see a mental health professional. I’ll be blunt, you have Bipolar disorder. Don’t worry, you can be treated. But hopefully, you can catch this much earlier than I did the first time around. In my time line you went through many hard years and many heart breaks. You still live with the fall out from those times. If you can get help now perhaps your life can go much smoother. (much easier.)
If you can’t, there is one thing I suggest…STRONGLY. Be careful with your sex life. You will feel, once you are “soiled”, it isn’t worth the fight. It is. YOU ARE! You will lose your self esteem. You will lose so much. When you get into therapy, finally, you will have a good therapist, but she will not understand. She will acknowledge your past problems with abuse and see you think a man will only care if you give yourself to him. She will say. Sex is ok, but only if you really want to do it. You will often feel that you really want to do it. Please Wait. Wait many times. Wait until the relationship is so much more. Do not jump into a sexual relationship until the relationship is more than just sex. Please take this more seriously than you can believe. It will change your life!!!
Stay close to your mother. Give her a break much more often than you do. Take her off the pedestal. She can’t read your mind, STOP being so passive aggressive. It carries on to other relationships and you don’t need that. You lose her much too early. She encourages you and stays by your side through everything, but unfortunately she doesn’t live to see you completely stable. Savor the years you have. You will be so very close, but you do put her through many worries. Try to lessen those for both of you.
You will start to have some health issues. Hearing issues, vertigo….you think you are having food poison many times…there are many breaks between these sicknesses. You are heading toward a hard fight with a hearing disorder that will cause a lot of balance issues. There really isn’t anything they could do if you found out earlier. So don’t sweat they you don’t find out until later. But if you find out earlier, it might help you in your career.
Dare to be braver. Work harder on your art if you REALLY want to. Don’t be so scared to fail. You will only have a few years to be able to work at this. So if you fail, it’s not a big deal. But if you succeed, and I really think you could, think of how you would feel about you! I believe in you. Looking back, you could have done so much more. Work on your muse! Find what inspires you the most! (oh and in college…start out as an Art Major. add in Art Education, but don’t waste time, if you do you will run out of financial aid before you know it and will not get the education you deserve.
You will have some health issues that change your life….so you change your life to go along with it. You still have a good life. You have a wonderful life, even with everything that you go through, you find a way to make your life meaningful.
You do meet the most wonderful man, and have a joyous life with him…but it won’t happen until you are in your late 30’s, you marry at 41. Do not worry. It happens. Don’t fret. And don’t think there is something wrong with you. Focus on your happiness. This man will stand beside you through all your health issues. You will have a better relationship than you ever thought imaginable. He is worth waiting for.
Focus on YOU.
Study things you want to learn.
Dive into your ART.
Study Yoga…you will love it.
Become as healthy as you can, you will need it later.
Take care of you…And trust your heart…don’t listen to those who are just looking for fun for the moment.
Hopefully, if you listen to this, and get treated early, you will have an easier life.
Don’t take things so seriously….however, when you believe in something, don’t let others pull you away from your beliefs. In that same vein….do not get too caught up in other people’s beliefs without really looking into them. Make sure they are what you believe deep in your heart, and the that the facts are sound.
Question everything.
Love Deep.
Laugh Often.
And Cry Less.
Look for Beauty.
And appreciate Life.
From your future self, who hopes things turn out a bit differently.
With unconditional love, always and forever.
wendy
Picnic with Ants 