I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much. I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state. I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah. I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?
I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect. I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape? I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.
I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else. I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive. This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself. I need to get my positive outlook back.
The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better. I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.
I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense. I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long. Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better. I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan. We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.
No Meniere’s vertigo!
My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled! July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear! (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!) Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant. (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head. I’m sure you are all eager to see that! : ) Just wait until you see it actually on my head!
Other things that have been happening: We got new carpet. We replaced our worn out couch. We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back. So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick! I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect. I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!
Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better? Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want. Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence. I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house. I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self. I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat. We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat. I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal. It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road. We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick. On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom. I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom. eww.
I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions. I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it. Now I resent that I can’t eat some things. That I can’t cook whatever I want. I don’t like this feeling.
Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday. July 2nd! My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today! So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday! He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday! haha Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year. Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!” He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”. I was sure I was going to be 50! He said, “What year is it?” I said, 2012….Ooooh! I guess I’ll be 50 next year.” How silly was that? Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year! hahaha
Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.
I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again. I’ve missed my friends.