What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?

Depression by ninykinin via DeviantArt.com

I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much.  I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state.  I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah.  I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?

I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect.  I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape?  I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.

I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else.   I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive.  This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself.  I need to get my positive outlook back.

The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better.  I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.

I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense.  I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long.  Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better.  I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan.  We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.

No Meniere’s vertigo!

My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled!  July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear!  (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!)  Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant.  (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head.  I’m sure you are all eager to see that!  : )  Just wait until you see it actually on my head!

Other things that have been happening:  We got new carpet.  We replaced our worn out couch.  We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back.   So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick!  I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect.  I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!

Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better?  Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want.  Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence.  I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house.  I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self.  I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat.  We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat.  I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal.  It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road.   We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick.  On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom.  I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom.  eww.

I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions.  I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it.  Now I resent that I can’t eat some things.  That I can’t cook whatever I want.  I don’t like this feeling.

Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday.  July 2nd!  My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today!  So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday!  He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday!  haha  Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year.  Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!”  He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”.  I was sure I was going to be 50!  He said, “What year is it?”  I said, 2012….Ooooh!  I guess I’ll be 50 next year.”  How silly was that?  Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year!  hahaha

Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.

I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again.  I’ve missed my friends.

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13 thoughts on “What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?

  1. Maybe it’s the darkest before the dawn thing, eh? With the surgery coming up–that may really make a huge change in your life. I hope you get on the right meds and dosages so that you feel better. What a sweet hubby to celebrate for four days AND remember that you’re younger than you think. 😉

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  2. Hey there — I think that when you start to feel better, you realize more clearly what is still holding you back or making it more difficult to regain what you have lost. Constant headaches would be depressing (I know from experience) without all the other complications.
    Finding road food is tough — the more restrictions, the tougher the go. I pack snacks when I’m being careful (and it saves money too!) even if I’m just going to town for a few hours on the train to shop. Longer trips require more stuff, like food. That’s why I can’t be sponenatous (spelling); the amount of gear I have to haul around, just in case. You know the drill very well.
    That’s good news about your bionic ear! Now, if I could get a bionic brain to replace my current one, sigh.
    I just posted a blog entry about why I haven’t been on line, emailing, or blogging of late. Great minds think alike, but as my mother would add, but fools seldom differ!
    Take good care. Feel better. Good like with your meds, doctors and such.
    And, I apologize — I didn’t wish you a happy birthday on the second. Belated happy birthday. And remember, you do have 364 unbirthdays to celebrate, too. What did Stuart do for your week of birth days?
    And, about the age thing. For the past few years, I have thought I was older or younger than my actual age. I have to do the math (which I’m not very good at) to figure it out. Probably skewed a bunch of survies I done by answering in the wrong age group, lol.
    Note to self: mustn’t go on so in comments — they are almost a blog post worth of prose.
    All the best. A balloon will be inflated in your honor today!

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    • phylor, Thank you for everything you said. My dear hubby started on Friday evening by taking me out for crab legs. I was feeling down, and asked for those for my birthday dinner, so he decided I needed it early! The weekend we went to Charlotte, NC (about 2.5 hours from home), we spent the night in a hotel, and went to Ikea…where we bought a new modular couch, and foot stool. Yay! We needed to replace our living room furniture, so this was nice! Something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. But I over did it, and got food I shouldn’t have eaten so on Monday, my actual birthday, I felt bad. I slept a lot of the day. He worked, but when I got up he ran out and picked up take out….sea food again! I love it! And gave me one of my presents….a 1st series Sally figure from Nightmare Before Christmas. I have a series 3 that someone else gave me, but she doesn’t match the series 1 Jack I have. (Yes, I love that movie, and Stuart and I went as them on Halloween one year!) On Tuesday, he made me dinner, and made carrot cake cup cakes for me! The first time he’s really baked! And I’m getting Photoshop and Illustrator! I’m so excited. However, I haven’t gotten it yet because a teacher friend of ours is getting it for us with her education discount. Yay! However, I’m telling Stuart that Christmas must be very small! We spent a lot on our birthdays this year. : ) I think having Photoshop CS6, and Illustrator will help me get back in the feel for doing art. It’s easier for me to do art on the computer now.

      Happy Un-Birthday to you!! w

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  3. Thanks for checking in. I haven’t felt much like blogging lately either. It was good to hear from you though – maybe that will inspire me to write something. I do find that it gets harder emotionally as I get better physically. When I am REALLY sick, I find it easier to give myself permission not to do things. However, if I have even a bit of energy to spare, it is SO hard to decide how to allot that energy.

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    • Allison, I’ve been thinking of you a lot recently. I kept meaning to drop you a line to check on you….but you can tell I haven’t been my best lately. I hope you are feeling better! and I hope your little family is doing well. I really do think of you often. w

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  4. I think what you are going through is NORMAL, do you realize how much you have been through? You get better, you take a few steps back, you know how it goes but I also know you are so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, Wendy, just take it one teeny tiny step at a time. Keep celebrating your birthday until your surgery and then we can celebrate that! I’m here if you want to email or im. Love, Laurie

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    • Laurie, you said the same think my doctor has told me over and over….Give yourself a break! But I miss feeling more positive. I’m sick of feeling Blah. It’s time to shake myself out of this! I can do it…but I will give myself a break, and not beat up on myself too much. : ) thank you. w

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  5. Birthday hugs, Wendy! Mine is in less than 2 weeks; 44. Kind of a cool number. There’s something extra special to me about anyone with a July birthday. 🙂

    I hope you can find a little more patience with your feelings (and some help from your psych, too!) for now. It’s been such a long haul and I know you must just want to feel better again. Frustrating. All of it.

    Getting the CI and activated I hope will go a long way in giving you some independence and some semblance of normalcy.

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    • Angelea, My surgery is in less than 2 weeks! hehehe. Close to your birthday, I’ll be getting a new chance at hearing! You are the same age as my hubby. Yes, I’m the older woman…hehehe.

      I meant to tell you…I do think the histamine is a problem. I’ve been taking Benedryl before I eat…even if I’m not eating anything on the no-no list…and things are better. The coughing is much better. I do think all the allergens from outside are contributing too…other histamines right? But it’s nice not to cough like crazy every time I eat!

      I’m looking forward to finding out how the CI will work with me…hoping I can hear pretty well from the start, but I know it can take a while. A little nervous I’ll have vertigo after the surgery again…but hopefully not.

      I’m trying to be more patient with myself. I’m just used to having a better outlook, and not be so resentful of my circumstances. One day at a time though…right?

      Happy Early Birthday to you! wendy

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  6. Hugs to you, I hope the appointment goes well today. I’m so happy for you that you are feeling better in so many ways. And YAY about an actual surgery date!

    However, to put it kindly, there are a lot of things that still sucks. I feel worse mentally, and notice it much more, when I’m feeling better physically but something stressful starts to do me in. Before I was sick, going for a walk was something I loved to do, not just to destress and clear my head. Now, I go to my room for a while and lie down or maybe go on the computer. I sometimes feel like a 5 year-old storming off to my room, not a 50 year-old. I thought I was done with that behaviour decades ago.

    Another part of the problem is sometimes not having an outlet at the time. Especially since I live with people, the last thing I want to do is yell and slam doors…as good as that would make me feel. The passive way of letting go of the frustration and anger just doesn’t cut it sometimes.

    Good luck with the appointment and you know where I am if you want to talk. Probably playing games on the tablet. You know, that tablet I got so I could be on the internet more. hahahahaha. Although, I am starting another book so it has been good buy. And…I’m starting to babble.

    Hugs and kisses.

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    • Maureen, I’m so sorry I haven’t answered your last email. As you know, I haven’t been up to par. One present I got for my birthday….a gift card to Amazon….I’m excited, I think I’ll actually buy some of the books I want for the Kindle. : ) Can I share books with you? Did you finish that naughty book? hahaha

      I did see my doc today, and he increased the dosage on my medication…so hopefully it will help.

      I’m thinking part of this is still the grieving over Sandy. I tried to push it to the back and succeeded for a while, but the past few days it has come out full force again. I do so miss my little girl.

      Thank you for all your encouragement. w

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      • Don’t give the email a second thought, reply when you feel like it.

        Happy book buying. As for your questions. Only people in the U.S. can lend a book and it will say on your screen that the book is lendable. However, not all of those books can be lent to someone in another country. Yes, I finished the book and it’s as bad as the reviews say it is. Still can’t believe Hollywood wants to make it into a movie but sometimes they have low standards for something they think will make them money. Hopefully they will hire some good writers.

        I hope the new dosage works for you. You have been dealing with so much, good and bad, along with all the ups and downs that come with them. The passage of time does help and time may heal all wounds, but the wounds still leave scars. I still think about my cat, it’s been 10 years, but the good memories definitely outweigh the sadness now.

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