Mindfulness Monday – Byron Katie

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“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.”
~ Byron Katie

 

“All I have is all I need and all I need is all I have in this moment.”
~ Byron Katie

 

 

*photo taken by W. Holcombe

 

 

Mindfulness Monday – Pain

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“Do not resist your pain.
Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness,
or whatever form the suffering takes.
Witness it without labelling it mentally.
Allow it to be there.
Embrace it.
Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes
deep suffering into deep peace.”

~ Eckhart Tolle

 

“With mindfulness we have the choice of
responding with compassion to the pain
of craving, anger, fear and confusion.
Without mindfulness we are stuck in the
reactive pattern and identification that
will inevitably create more suffering and confusion.”

~ Noah Levine

 

*image taken by S. Holcombe, permission is required for use.

I can’t be still…….

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Today is the first day I’ve had any relief from the restlessness caused by my medications.  In my post about my side effects I mentioned that my antidepressant caused me to have restlessness and my doctor put me on something else to counteract the side effects.  I thought it was going to work at first, but it didn’t.  She changed the medication to a new one that should have helped with the side effects, instead it made it worse.  And my hair started falling out!  (not in clumps but my brush has to be cleaned at least twice a day)

The restlessness has been severe.  On Thursday I was at my therapist office pacing, and sobbing as I couldn’t be still and my muscles have been so fatigued they just can’t keep going.  I’m amazed I haven’t lost a ton of weight. (I have lost some, just not a lot compared to how much I’ve been moving)  I’ve been moving constantly.  and I do mean c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y!  I don’t feel like I can portray just how horrible this is.  I feel like my muscles in my back are tightening up all by themselves.  My back HURTS.  I just need to move.  It is very hard for me to sit here and type this post because I really NEED to be up and moving.  And yes, this is a better day.

My therapist talked with my psychiatrist while I was in the office.  She was concerned I might be going manic.  I’m not.  I do feel a little like it, the motion, the antsy feeling….but it’s different than this.  This is different.  It is in no way good.  When mania first starts with me, it feels good.  (unfortunately, that’s why people shy away from treatment so often, it can feel good, but things change)  I think my psychiatrist finally understood just how bad it was.  I don’t think the messages she was receiving portrayed the situation correctly.  Poor Stuart was calling her office a LOT.

After she talked with my therapist she changed up my medications.  Possibly because I said I wanted to be off anything that MAY cause restlessness.  Just start over.   Yes, I’m risking my sanity by switching antidepressants, but I’m doing well and I’m very aware of what I’m doing so if I start getting depressed I’ll know what is causing it.  That is the first step in dealing with it for me.  I know it will stop.

I wrote the previous part of this post yesterday (Saturday), today I’m not doing well at all.  I don’t know why I felt somewhat better yesterday, today is hard.  I wish I knew exactly what I have.  The name it is called.  She mentioned kinesia, but that encompasses so much.   From what I’ve read it sounds like I have Akathisia (A feeling of muscle quivering, restlessness and inability to sit still, sometimes a side effect of antipsychotic or  antidepressant medication – Mayo Clinic)   I’ve  been reading that some of this can become permanent.  “Please do not let this last forever.  Please don’t let it last much longer.”  I really feel like I just can’t deal with it much longer.  This is the stuff a nervous breakdown is made of.  My mental health drugs have caused extreme physical changes, this hasn’t been helping my mental state of mind, but I’m not manic or majorly depressed at this moment.  yes, I’m a little depressed, but who wouldn’t be under these circumstances?

Unfortunately, today is a bad motion day.  I do have moments where I feel somewhat normal, but that is normally when I’m really concentrating on something else.   I just want to get up and move.  But moving really doesn’t help the feeling get better.  I just NEED to do it.  I’ve never had a feeling like this and it is very hard to explain, I hope I’ve made it understandable.

I’m confident that things will get better, but I must admit I have the fear in the back of my mind that it won’t get better.  Then I try to bring myself back to the present and deal with it one moment at a time.   I CAN DO THIS!

 

*all artwork on Picnic with Ants created by Wendy Holcombe unless otherwise noted.  Please do not use this image without permission.

Mindfulness Monday – Memories

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“Never regret a day in your life:
good days give happiness,
bad days give experience,
worst days give lessons,
and best days give memories.”

~ unknown

 

all photos on picnicwithants.com created by W. Holcombe, unless otherwise noted.

Side Effects….again.

I’m happy to say, for the most part, I’m doing well; but I’m having a heck of a time with side effects from one of my medications.

Normally I don’t mention the names of medications I’m having troubles with, but feel this would get confusing if I don’t use their names this time.  Please remember that medication side effects hit different people differently.  Some will have no side effects, others will be allergic.  Be smart about your medications.  Keep up with your side effects and discuss them with your doctor.

I’ll start from the beginning of this tale.

Last year my psychiatrist put me on Latuda for Bipolar Depression and it worked very well.  I was very impressed.  However, in January when I had to pay over $1000 every month for Latuda until my deductible with my insurance was met.  I decided to try a new medication.

Enter Geodon.  My psychiatrist had seen similar results from Geodon as with Latuda, so we decided to give it a try.  It didn’t help my moods as much, but I wasn’t on a high dose.  Then the muscle spasms started.  My back started hurting so much.  I could not get comfortable.  This can be a side effect of Geodon.  At this point I had met my deductible so I went back on Latuda.  I was sure all would be fine then, but it wasn’t.

It took me a while to understand what was happening to me.  I simply could not sit still.  It got worse, not only could I not sit still, I felt the need to pace.  I would pace the house.  I would exercise throughout the day.  I just had to keep moving.  It was driving me crazy.  I had a lot going on this past month so it was difficult for me to figure out it was Latuda causing my problems.  I just never suspected it, I didn’t have side effects when I was on it before, but evidently when you go back on a medication it can produce new side effects.  Finally I decided to look up the side effects for every medication I am on.  I wasn’t even going to check Latuda because I had no side effects before, but I decided to look them up.  One of the first side effects listed that you need to discuss with your doctor is restlessness.  I hate it was my beloved Latuda, but glad we figured it out.  I really have been going crazy.  Having to move all the time is overwhelming.

I told my psychiatrist how I was so restless and how it gets worse within 30 minutes of taking Latuda.  She said, “shit”.  She’s a really cool doctor, she was just saying what I was feeling.  Aw Shit!  Now what?  We decided to add a drug (Cogentin) that will help with the side effects instead of taking away the Latuda at this point.  Latuda has helped my depression so much, I hate risking my mental health by changing antidepressants, but I also hate taking a medication to stop the side effects of another drug.  Not a good place to be in right now.  I’ve decided to try the Cogentin for a while.  I may decide to change antidepressants in the future.  If the Cogentin doesn’t work, I’ll be going off of the Latuda if I want to or not.

I started the Cogentin yesterday and I have to say, I feel much more calm.  I’m a little antsy, but I’m not pacing.  I can sit still for a bit at least.  I hope it keeps on working and works even better.

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photo by w. holcombe

I had to drastically cut down on my knitting because my back was hurting pretty bad.  Today I’m able to knit more.  That’s a huge improvement.

I’ll close today with a short list of things I’m grateful for right now…..

I’m so grateful that most everything with my health is doing well.  I haven’t had a flare in quite some time, even though I pushed myself too hard recently.  I’m grateful that I have such a great psychiatrist, who listens and is willing to help me find the best solution.  I’m grateful that is seems the Cogentin is working.  I’m grateful I have friends I can reach out to when I’m not feeling my best and they “get it”.  I’m grateful for my blogging family.  I’m grateful I can knit again!

and….I’m grateful for you.

Mindfulness Monday – Meditation

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“The thing about meditation is:
You become more and more you.”

~ David Lynch

 

“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw
ourselves away and become something better.
It’s about befriending who we are already.”

~ Pema Chodron

 

“Meditation is the breath of your soul.
Just a breathing is the life of the body,
meditation is the life of the soul.”

~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

 

*all artwork on Picnic with Ants created by W. Holcombe, unless otherwise noted.  Please do not use without permission of the artist.

Better. Functional Medicine and a Visit from a Friend.

On April the 18th I saw a Functional Medicine practitioner.  It was interesting.

She asked me a lot of questions, a thorough medical history, a short exam….it was a long visit.  But tell me, why do providers send you the information to fill out before you get there if they aren’t going to look at it until you are sitting in the office.  I feel like that’s a waste of time.  Me just sitting there while they read the information they’ve had for days.  Of course, I don’t feel they should do a lot of work when I’m not there, they don’t get paid extra, but being prepared would be nicet.

We talked quite a while.  She thinks I have an autoimmune disease, just like other doctors do, they think they just don’t have a test for it.  I don’t really see what difference it makes to know if I have an autoimmune disease or not.  There isn’t a one stop treatment for those diseases.  Mostly I see doctors giving those with autoimmune steroids.  Something I can’t take.

She wants me to get some blood tests done.  One for allergies, one for genetics, and one for….oh golly, I don’t remember what the other one was for.  My insurance doesn’t pay for any of this.  It’s expensive.  I haven’t gotten them done yet.  I was waiting on my insurance to see if they pay for anything, and now I’m waiting on my ride.  It’s a little difficult when you depend on someone else to drive you places, and that person works full time.  Stuart doesn’t mind taking me, but his time is limited.  We’ll get there.

We talked about my migraines, she is hoping to find a trigger with the tests.  She suggested Magnesium Threonate (see the image above, I got mine from Amazon)and turmeric for the pain.  I started them within a couple of days and boy has it made a difference.  I’ve had days without migraines.  That’s HUGE!  I have that base line headache all the time, it’s been there most of my life, but the migraine on top of that has left me for a few days at a time.  I’m shocked at how much this has helped me.  Shocked!  Why hadn’t my migraine specialists suggested this in the past.  It really bothers me that I may have been helped years ago, if only someone would have suggested the right form of magnesium.  Heck, I never had a doctor suggest magnesium at all.  I started taking it because I read about it.  But I didn’t know there were different kinds and I couldn’t tolerate the kind I was taking.  I’m just so grateful for the relief.

I’ll go back to the functional medicine practitioner after I get the blood tests done.

me and kym

This week a very good friend of mine came for a visit.  It was so nice to see her.  She lives on the opposite side of the country from me, our visits are rare, and precious.  It was so nice to have a real friend come and spend time with us.

Kym and I went shopping.  I went out without Stuart for the first time in over 5 years.  It was liberating, but it was also a little scary.  However, Kym is one of the most level headed people I know and I knew she would not freak out if something happened.  She did something so right.  At one point I felt I needed to go home and I said so, she just said, “Okay, let’s go.”  She didn’t freak out and ask me countless times if I was okay.  She trusted me to tell her if things were getting  bad.  I admit though that I may have pushed it further but I was a little scared and tired.  It was a very good shopping trip.  No I didn’t go crazy with the spending, but I did find a couple of cute things that fit.  (I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, so I need clothes that actually fit me now.  Kym is a good person to shop with.

Vertigo has been kind to me recently.  I’ve had very little spinning, and when I do it is just a slight spin, nothing to worry about.  I did fall last week, and hurt my back a little, but really it’s nothing to be concerned about.  If things go as well as they have been I won’t have anything to write about.  LOL