Saturday was a day that I will always remember, some very good, some very, very bad.
We started the day running fun errands. Going to the library, and then to Michaels. I got a lovely gift card for my birthday. Can we say…YARN! 🙂 Then we had a fabulous lunch at a restaurant that we’ve been wanting to try. They focus on sustainable seafood. I had grilled fish over greens with fresh pickled vegetables. Then we shared homemade gelato for desert. It was a divine meal to top off a lovely morning.
Then we got home. Stuart was doing laundry (something I can’t do) and I noticed that he hadn’t treated a shirt that I asked him to. I saw RED! I flew into him. I was so angry!! I told him exactly where I was putting 2 shirts that needed to be treated and he was just disregarding what I asked and was going to ruin my clothes…..I have no idea all of the things I said.
self portrait – w. holcombe
After HOURS of arguing, of me closing myself in the bedroom, then getting mad that he didn’t come after me…..over and over. It was so bad. I look back on it and it is a whirlwind. However, at the time I could not see that I was out of control. I felt completely justified in how I behaved. When for a moment I thought I was overreacting about a silly shirt. (Both of these shirts are shirts I only wear around the house and to bed. They could be stained, who would care. However, even if it had been a $200 shirt, it would not have excused the way I acted.) I blew up about the fact that I can’t do laundry. How if I was doing laundry and he told me to treat something I wouldn’t have forgotten (yes, I was suddenly perfect!) He just didn’t pay attention because he didn’t want to do it…..ect, ect.
Finally, it was 10pm and Stuart was trying to go to bed, but I wasn’t finished. I was still all upset. It would appear I was calming down now and then throughout all of this, but then it would come back full force. That’s what happened at bed time. I was getting ready for bed, then I fell apart, and started yelling again. I then left him to the bed and said I would see him the next day. Soon he came out and wanted to talk. Fine. Talk. He was so confused. He wanted to know what had changed. He told me that I have been very defensive for the past few weeks. I’ll be fine one moment then snapping at him for no reason. He said I’ve been taking much of what he says in a negative way. I just sat there and fumed. He then broke down. He wanted to know if he had changed, had he caused this change in me? I made my husband cry. At that moment, the rage lifted, I still felt it’s presence but I took a deep breath, calmed myself and came back to center. Suddenly I felt relief. Then I thought: “What have I done?”
It’s been a long time, I didn’t even recognize the signs.
All this mess with my medication, well it appears I’m not on the right mix yet.
But do I blame all of this on medication? Why did I not realize I was being more confrontational then usual? Normally, I’m very aware of changes in my behavior. I know when things are off, I’m very proactive about it. This time, I was blind sided. All of my coping strategies out the window. How can you incorporate coping strategies when you don’t see anything is wrong?
I’m much more aware now. I’m doing a lot of deep breathing exercises and trying to meditate more. Exercise would be good, but I’m not allowed to do that until my back gets better. (I haven’t mentioned I hurt my back yet? I’ll try and write that up soon) I’m trying to stay in this moment and not beat myself up over what happened on Saturday, or what has been happening over the past few weeks. Remembering to be gentle with myself. And I’m pampering my husband as much as I can. He needs to know that it isn’t him. He needs to know that no matter how bad I act, I still love him and would NEVER hurt him on purpose.
Read more about Bipolar Rage:
Bipolar & Anger: Getting Control of Irritability and Outburst
Bipolar Disorder and Anger: Stuck on the Rage Road.
Bipolar Disorder Symptoms and Triggers this gives a rundown of all the symptoms associated with Bipolar Disorder. It’s not just mania and depression.