I don’t mean to stay away.
I don’t mean to make you worry.
I walk around in a daze lately, and can’t see through the fog.
I feel like I’m lost in the dark and the only lights I see are from the flames of hell.
I can’t tell you why.
There is no real reason.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a pawn in someone else’s game. I can see two demons hunched over a game board, we are the pieces they move. We have no control over how the game is played; we can only hope they play fairly, but we all know that demons never play fair.
How can I feel so level headed and focused at one point and so out of control and totally depressed at the next. What changed?
Sometimes the answer is “nothing”. Other times, the answer is more complicated, but the thing is, it’s really not about what has happened on the outside, it’s all about what’s going on on the inside.
Right now I could actually write a huge list of things that have changed in my life, but none of them explain the extreme changes in my emotional state.
I’m not “letting things get to me”, nor am I “too sensitive”. I’m falling apart from the inside out, and it has nothing to do with anything I am doing to myself.
Damn! Does that sound as stupid to any of you as it does to me?
I get so pissed off when someone tells me that they wish I didn’t let things get to me so much, or that they wish I wasn’t so sensitive….yeah well…yadayadayada. I guess, it is all on me, isn’t it? But then again…is it? If it were up to me I sure wouldn’t allow things to “get to me”, and I wouldn’t be overly “sensitive”. Heck, if it were up to me I’d be pretty friggin’ stoic sometimes, but I’m not, I simply can’t be like that. I feel things, very deeply sometimes, I actually envy people who can “bury it” or “put walls up”, I can’t do that. I’ve tried, oh how I’ve tried. I really do envy those people…..sometimes…like now…not always.
Lately, all I want to do is eat, sleep, and cry. In reality I’m not sleeping enough, but I’m spending a lot of time trying to; I’m eating too much, the weight gain proves it, and I’m either crying or pissed most of the time! But I’m trying really, really hard not to be like that. Heck, I don’t even know why I’m crying, and I sure can’t tell you what I’m so mad about. Here’s the kicker, something will happen that doesn’t bother me at all and then the exact same thing can happen again and suddenly I’m so pissed I can’t think straight, or I’m crying so hard I can’t see. What changed there? So…is that all on me? or is it out of my control? More importantly, is this something that is just happening because of outside circumstances and will blow over, or does my medication need to be adjusted? Honestly, I have no clue. (I think it’s probably the later, or maybe a little bit of both?
Even with all I know about mental illness, (from my experiences with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression) I still feel like it’s my fault. I never feel like that about another person’s battles with mental illness, why do I hold myself to a different standard? Is it simply because I’m often told, “I wish you didn’t let things get to you so much”, or is it because I think this is a part of me that I should be able to control. I don’t have a lot in my life that I feel I have control over, surely I can control how I react to things. Isn’t that what I’ve been practicing mindfulness for? Simply accepting the way things are and not wishing it to be different. Well honey, I do wish it were different right now, but I am trying hard to accept that it just is the way it is, and I know for certain that things will change. Nothing stays the same, everything changes, I can always take solace in this, unless I’m deep in depression, then I think, “Yes, things change, it could get so much worse!” Aaahhhh….No! I can’t get caught in the future trap! You know that trap, the one in your mind that predicts a future…good or bad, watch out! it’s a trap! Chances are that the future you prophesied will not turn out the way your mind told you it would; staying in the present is the only way to really deal with life’s challenges, it’s it? I KNOW these things. Why then, is it so very hard?
I will try to take it moment by moment and be kind to myself.
I’ll try not to stay away.
I don’t want you to worry.
one moment at a time, I’ll get through this
*photo taken at Tumacacori National Park by W. Holcombe. Please do not use without permission. All rights reserved.