In the upcoming weeks, as soon as my insurance approves it, I will be receiving Spravato (esketamine nasal spray) for depression. I wanted to put together a post explaining what it is all about it, then I found this post and thought I couldn’t possibly do a better job. So I hope you don’t mind if I share this with you. Please note that this covers all forms of ketamine, if you want to just read the “How Effective Is It” statistics surrounding what I will be receiving read sections 3 and 4. I got so much information from tbe post started to not even watch the video attached to it, but then I noticed that it is captioned so I went ahead and watched it and it is very interesting. It does get a little in depth in the science part of things, so if you are interested in that kind of thing, it’s worth it, but if that bores you, you might want to skip it.
Do you have any experience with ketamine? Know anyone who has? Do you have or know anyone who has, medication resistant depression? Or like me, the meds stopped working or there are just way too many bad side effects? I’d love to know other’s experiences.
Ketamine and Esketamine
Drug Class: NMDA Antagonist
How it works: Blocks a channel for a chemical in the brain called NMDA. This, in turn, increases the effects of another channel for a chemical called AMPA. This leads to increased effects of BDNF and mTOR. The increased effects of BDNF and mTOR helps the brain to rapidly form new […] Ketamine and Esketamine — Experiments in Happiness
I have found myself dreading coming to my blog. I don’t want to talk about me, but I have always kept this blog open and honest and I don’t want to stop that. As I look back at the many years I’ve been writing here, I’ve been up and down and up and down and up and down….have I really made any progress? How do we measure progress? I think that’s the real question, and not one I’m going to answer today.
I have a lot going on right now and I simply don’t feel like talking. Ummm, that may not be true, I just don’t want to feel worse when I do. I’ve reached out and been ignored…not sure what happened there. I spilled my guts to someone who told me I could always talk to them, when I finished they said, “WOW. You have a lot going on. Praying you get some relief very soon. Love you bunches.” and that was the end of the conversation. I cried for most of the day after that. That is what happens when you try to talk to someone who does not have chronic or mental illness. She may love me, but she has no clue. And it makes me VERY wary to talk to anyone unless they are my peeps. But I don’t have many peeps and I don’t want to wear out the few I have. I do have a very good friend who hears almost everything and she is amazing, but she has her own crap going on and I can’t just keep unloading on her all the time. Of course, Stuart’s here, and he has never made me feel like I can’t talk to him, or made me feel bad about how I feel, but he needs to get away from it sometimes and he thankfully he doesn’t have a chronic illness. Support groups do not work for me, those people get on my nerves. I have a therapist, but let’s face it, one hour a week is not always enough, and sometimes you don’t get that. (like when I’m so sick I can’t go, and soon she’s going to Thailand for 3 weeks…Ahhh! I am happy for her, she’s never done anything like this before. What a dream trip.) Oh, dang I’ve completely lost my train of thought. So anyway…I don’t want to talk, or maybe I don’t trust talking, I don’t think it’s doing much good, and I feel like I’m losing the few friends I have because of it. I have some new treatments coming up and as that happens I’ll post about them. I would love to know more about other people’s experiences with these treatments, so I’ll be sure to post mine. (I just started Aimovig for my migraines, I’m going to be trying ketamine (esketamine nasal spray) as soon as my insurance approves it for my depression, and I’m going to be going to a pain clinic for my neck pain caused by my migraines…or the neck pain contributing to my migraines…anyway…pain.) So there will be posts.
I’ve decided to try to start putting out more posts, but they will be posts that are about my chronic illnesses and not so much about just me. I will probably put in there how it relates to me personally. But I have soooo much going on right now there may not be a lot of posts coming out, but I’m going to give it the old college try. (where did that saying come from?)
Well, that’s what’s on my mind today. Plus a whole heck of a lot more, but most of that is a mess!
Before I go, I’d like for all of you to know that if you ever need someone to talk to I’ll listen. Well, not with my ears, but I’ll text, message, email…. There is a contact form right here on my blog just go up to the top and you’ll see the “About Me /Contact Me” tab…you can contact me right there and it will email me. Now, if you are someone who wants me to sell something on my blog, or do some strange post, or something like that…don’t waste your time. I’m really not into those things. But if you need a to talk, I’m here for you.
I’ve been trying to write a post for weeks now, but I just haven’t been able to get the words to come out. I had a CTA scan of my head and neck on July 26th, that’s a CT scan that shows your arteries. I had planned to post about it, to show you the awful bruise the contrast caused, and tell you how I freaked out when the contrast hit me, but I was actually ashamed that I felt that way. They had a hard time finding my veins, as usual, and I, once again, felt ashamed that I’m difficult. I had a bit of a reaction to the contrast and had a very debilitating migraine and nausea for days. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t do anything. Lorraine was nice enough to do a Mindfulness Monday. I’m ashamed I haven’t written since then.
I feel that I have needed to write and tell you how I’m still struggling with the migraines, how the medication isn’t working, and how I can’t accomplish anything really. But I’m ashamed that I’m not better. I’m ashamed that I keep trying different medications and they don’t work on me. I feel like I’m failing. In our culture we are expected to take a drug when we get sick and get better, if we don’t get better then we aren’t trying hard enough. We should change our diet, exercise more…. You see the stories all the time, how someone beat this or that disease by doing these things. We are expected to fight our illnesses and get better, when we don’t we often feel shame. Or at least, I know I do.
With my migraines everyone has a solution. So many people have or know someone with migraine, it isn’t rare, but chances are it’s episodic migraine not chronic migraine. I’m asked so often, “Do you take medication?” and it’s followed by, “I take (or so and so takes)______ and it works!” I want to scream, “Of course I take medication! I take preventatives, and abortives, and supplements, and I use alternative treatments! Nothing is working but I’m afraid to stop any of them for fear it will get worse!” But instead I feel ashamed that I’m defective. Not only do I have migraines, I have migraines that won’t respond to treatment.
Weekend before last we went out for breakfast with Stuart’s father at our usual place. I ordered a gluten free pancake, when it came I suspected it was wrong, but they have never gotten my order wrong before, so I took a bite. I knew immediately it was wrong. I was poisoned. I called the waitress over and asked and sure enough, it wasn’t gluten free. She apologized and I smiled and just ordered a new one. I looked at Stuart with huge eyes and he just said, there was nothing that could be done now. His father said, “it was only one bite” Stuart explained that it only takes a crumb. I should have told the waitress that I didn’t want anything else and told Stuart and his dad we needed to go home, but instead I was too ashamed. I ate that new pancake knowing that I would be sick within an hour or two. I sat there listening to them talk, while my head pounded, my stomach started to ache and get tight and my bowels started to rumble. I ended up having to rush to the bathroom there and it was obvious my stomach was distended by the time we left. I felt even more shame that I could not hide it.
I’ve never been one who is ashamed of my cochlear implants, I know a lot of people like to hide them, but I like for people to understand that I have hearing loss, because I do get ashamed when I have trouble understanding people. I sit and “listen” to conversations, but I often don’t “hear” them, and I’m too ashamed to keep asking for people to repeat what they say. After you are told over and over that it’s not important, you start to believe it, so I don’t worry about it. Then I get more ashamed when I miss things that I needed to hear.
Yesterday I had a very bad day. I woke in so much pain, but more than that when I’d stand I would see stars and I’d start to black out. I asked Stuart if he could work from home, but before he could answer I told him no, I’d be okay, because I was way too ashamed that I needed him. I was not safe, but I was too ashamed to admit that. Last night was the first time I told him how I felt. Now he is afraid he has done something to make me feel ashamed, and I feel shame that I’ve made him feel this way. I’ve explained to him that it’s complicated.
I’m just coming to terms with these feelings. I’ve tried to put a label on this before and called it guilt, but that wasn’t right, it’s shame. Guilt is feeling that you’ve done something bad. Shame is feeling that you are something bad. So, yes I feel guilty about asking him to work from home because I don’t want to take him away from work (doing something bad), but I also feel shame about it because I am ill and have to ask in the first place (am something bad).
Do you have these feelings? This will be a major discussion coming up with my therapist. Shame is not a healthy emotion, this is something we need to battle sooner rather than later.
If you’ve been following my blog you know that I’ve been battling a severe migraine flare since April 20th, I’m so happy to share that I’m finally back to my baseline for my migraines and my rescue medications are once again working so I’m having sweet, sweet relief!! How did this come about? Well let me tell you, this was an ordeal! And it could probably have been sorted sooner if I had noticed something earlier, in the end, I’m glad I wrote about when I started new medications here.
One of the first things I did when all of this started was try to figure out if I anything had changed, had I started a new medication, was I eating differently, sleeping differently….anything? Well I had started Emgality, a migraine preventative, but I started it a month before this started and I was insured that it would not cause migraines. I had also started Viibryd, an antidepressant, but I (thought) I started it in March. Finally after my hospital stay in June, I went through my blog posts and found this post on April 27th that said I started an antidepressant the week before. https://picnicwithants.com/2019/04/27/little-update-from-travels-to-depression/ That was the week the intractable migraine started. The post also talks about how much better my migraines were in March after I started Emgality on February 28th. Ding! Ding! Ding! Could it be that this drug was contributing to this migraine flare? I was going to find out! I looked up the side effects for Viibryd and sure enough, one of the common side effects is “headache” (15%) and one of the lesser side effects is “migraine”. I put a call in to my psychiatrist and a message in to my migraine doctor. Wouldn’t you know it, my psychiatrist was out of the country! Ha! Glad to know my doctors had a good time traveling this summer! So, everyone knows what I did with my migraine doctor, if you missed it, you can check out my post on SPG Blocks here, but keep in mind that I was still on the Viibryd at the time. I got a message from my psychiatrist PA and they said that migraine wasn’t a side effect of Viibryd (Can you see me rolling my eyes?? I read the prescribing information handout that comes from the manufacturer, where did she get her information?) In the call I’d also asked about a couple of other antidepressants that are used at migraine preventatives to see what they thought, I was told that they didn’t go with Viibryd. Umm, I’m not going to stay on Viibryd! But she couldn’t seem to understand that. I can’t say it is all her fault, the front office there is awful! I love my psychiatrist, but it is horrible to try to get messages through, so I decided to slowly taper off of it by myself, and just wait for my appointment which is next week to discuss the rest. And guess what?! After being totally off Viibryd for about a week my migraines dropped to about my baseline, or below.
Since my birthday, I’ve taken a rescue medication once! Don’t get me wrong, I have had more than one migraine, but they haven’t been severe and I haven’t felt the need to take medication for them. At the first sign of a migraine I’ve been taking 500mg of Ginger and it has been helping (this is a great article about the efficacy of ginger in helping migraines). As I’ve mentioned before, I can’t take rescue meds more than 2 days a week, so unless a migraine is bad I normally don’t take it since I often have migraines an average of 5 – 6 days a week. I save those 2 days for days I have something planned, or days when it is very severe.
I just noticed that today is the 15th and I haven’t taken migraine meds since the 5th! Wow! Perhaps the Emgality is doing something too? I’m really thinking that the Viibryd was messing me up big time. And so far I haven’t noticed my moods dropping since I’ve been off of it. You know, I’ve been fighting a migraine today, but I think I’m going to take something for it. This is great! Maybe I won’t have to save my medication for worse days? Do I dare hope?
To close I’d just like to say that this has taught me to always mark on my calendar when I start and stop medications, and pay close attention to how my body changes. I really thought I was on top of these things, but obviously it can slip by you, especially during busy times and times of high stress. If I had been able to put together that this had been a side effect earlier I might not have suffered for so long.
Warning: this post may contain whining, feeling sorry for myself, and just plain complaining, but most of it is simply the way things are right now….it sucks, I accept that, but no I don’t like it and I wish it were different.
The last two weeks I have experienced some of the worst symptoms I can recall in many years. I woke up one day a couple of weeks ago now, feeling pain creeping up the left side of my head, it felt like my brain was hurting, inside my skull, my brain was being squeezed. It started on the left side and crept up over my head until it covered my whole brain, I could not help but cry out. I woke Stuart and he could only hold me. The intense feeling of motion, the pressure in my skull, the extreme nausea…it was horrible. Finally it eased to the point that I was able to simply pass out. Then it came back! This happened three more times. I decided sleep was not going to help, so I got up. It continued to happen throughout the day, no matter how much medication I took. Nothing worked. That was the beginning of my walk deeper into hell.
I’ve barely been out of the dark, the light sensitivity has been more intense than I’ve ever experienced it. Often I have not been able to get out of the dark at all. For days on end I couldn’t look at my phone or computer. I’ve been having the feeling of intense movement all day, with visual vertigo on and off. My vision will tilt, double, and is constantly blurry. For 2 solid days I could not focus enough to see much of anything, I just sat in my chair curled up in a ball, with sun glasses on, a towel on my head to further help block out light, an ice pack on top of that, staring at the TV watching shows that I’d seen over and over, just so I knew what was going on, since I couldn’t really focus enough to read the captions and often couldn’t even see what was going on at all. It’s bad enough to be in severe pain and dizzy, but to be forced to have nothing to distract you from that is torture. I tried to meditate, I tried to make up stories in my head, I tried to think of nice places, nothing worked. I was trapped sitting in a chair with my pain, confusion, and vertigo with nothing to help relieve it. I knew at that moment, if I had to live like this forever, I wanted to die.
I continue to fight this. My baseline headache never gets below a 5 now (I have daily headache all the time that normally hovers around a 3 or a 4). Every day the pain gets to at least an 8 for a few hours, and will spike to a 10 on and off. I continue to have all the other symptoms, sometimes they are worse than others, but they are always there. The nasal spray (Zomig) she gave me to try did not work. It’s kind of obvious that triptans have stopped working for some reason. I believe my head has gone crazy because it has gotten no relief. Normally I do get some relief from triptans, so the nerves have some time to reset, a little at least. (my 10 precious days a month when I can take meds gave me a few hours) Now there has been no relief so the nerves are constantly firing and just going crazy. My neurological and vestibular system are on over drive, what is triggering me this much, I have no idea, all I know is that my head is a mess, and I’m miserable.
Now my doctor is out of the country until June 12th, and she has jury duty the first week of July, so she had to reschedule my appointment to July 26th. I admit when I heard this I had a complete break down. I sobbed and sobbed, which of course caused more pain…ugh. But them I thought, I’ve lived with this for so long, a couple more months will not kill me, and I can go to the ER if I absolutely have to. I must admit though, I’m afraid to go to the ER, they treat migraine patients like drug seekers or fakers, the bright lights and noise there is torture, the stress of waiting hours….it makes me worse before they make it better. It’s so scary.
The good news is, her office did get the sphenopaltine ganglion block approved, so I will be getting that when I see her. It’s very interesting, she will actually be teaching me how to do it so I can do it at home. They are also working to get the Migranal approved, it is the Dihydroergotamine (DHE) in nasal spray. I have DHE injectables at home. I haven’t used it because you can’t use it in the same day that you use a triptan, and I had gone over the amount of days I can take meds for the month. When I’ve had intractable migraines in the past, not with the extreme symptoms I’ve been having lately, my previous doctor prescribed a DHE protocol of having 3 shots a day for 3 days to try to knock it out. We are going to start that today. Hopefully I’ll get some relief.
This has taken me two days to write and I’m sure it doesn’t read quite right because my brain is mush, and I know there are things I’ve left out, but I really tried. I even put in a couple of links. Woot!
Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things.
Just feel the magic in the air and the power in the breeze, Feel the energy of the plants, the bushes and the trees, Let yourself be surrounded by nature at its best, Calm yourself, focus and let magic do the rest.
In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous.
The days are so beautiful this time of year, urging us to come outside and linger, yet we often get so distracted by everything going on inside that we miss what mother nature is trying to tell us. My allergies are keeping me indoors more than I’d like, but I’m taking time to sit by my window each day and taking note of how my surrounding are changing, each day seems to bring a new bloom, a new color. The flora in the desert is much different than I’m used to on the east coast. there, there are so many blossoms it is hard to appreciate the individual plants, the individual blooms. Here flowers are often found alone, or in small groups, but the blossoms are often bright and beautiful and standing out in all their glory. I can look across a field and see a single flower blooming that I know was not there the day before, it is wondrous. The cactuses are starting to bloom and that is just amazing! I hope all of you can take some time and take a nature break.
As most of you know I’m taking part in the Ten Things of Thankful challenge. Simply list 10 things a week that you are thankful for, but no worries if you list less, or a bit more, the point is to get everyone to notice there is something to be thankful for. If you’d like to join in, just pop on over to TToT and add your post to the list, I hope to see you there.
This week I’ve decided to get back to basics, I’m so very thankful for:
Water. I keep a water bottle on my bedside table so I have water through the night. In the morning my darling husband always fills it up before he leaves for work so I have a full bottle for the next few hours before I get up. On Wednesday he took the bottle to fill and forgot to bring it back, this really made me appreciate that he does this for me every morning and that I have water available to me so easily all the time.
Scent Free Air. I went outside to sit in the sun one day this week and a bush was blooming. It is beautiful and a welcome sight, but it had a strong floral scent, that would be pleasant to most, but I have migraines and am very sensitive to scents; it was an instant trigger. I was very grateful that I was able to escape it when I came inside. I’m thankful I’m able to have a pretty scent free home.
Electricity. I’ve been through times when we’ve had to live without electricity for extended periods of time due to natural disasters, it was not fun. The biggest obstacle we had was no refrigerator. Everything in our freezer that we couldn’t eat fast went bad and we had no way to store any food or to get much food to be honest. We had no hot water, and no heat or A/C. (one of these power outages happened during an ice storm) These are all things you simply do not think about when you have electricity every day. When power goes out for a short period you are inconvenienced because you have no TV, computer….but when you have no electricity at all, you are very limited in life. There are many people who have no electricity at all.
Eye care. I went to the eye doctor this weekend, I’m so grateful that I am able to have quality eye care. It is very expensive, especially for my prescription. If I could not afford it my life would be very limited.
A home. I’m grateful I have a home. Many people do not have a roof over their head. Every time I leave my house I see homeless. It breaks my heart. I wish I knew of a solution to our homeless problem in America. What we are doing now is not working. We cannot just ignore it. It will not go away, it is only getting bigger. We are one of the richest countries in the world yet we treat our needy so poorly. We should be ashamed.
Transportation. I’m grateful that I have a car to get around in, even though I can’t always drive, at those times I’m even more grateful that my husband is able to take me places. I’m very grateful that I was able to drive myself to an appointment this week, something I haven’t been able to do for a few months. I plan to do it again tomorrow too!
A warm bed. Many people do not have a safe place to sleep. I’m grateful I not only have a safe place to sleep, but I have a nice place to sleep. I can be picky about my pillow and sheets, I’m so grateful for these things.
A loving husband, dog, and friends. I’m so thankful for my support, the love in my life means so much to me. thank you to all of you.
I’ll close with that today. What are some of the basic things you are most grateful for. I’m sure I left out plenty. Like the moon and sun….so much to be thankful for in this life is we just look.
but right now I have a migraine and I’m going to be grateful that I don’t have to go anywhere and I can go lay down in a very dark room.
I hope your week is filled with things you can be thankful for.
I’m having severe anxiety issues surrounding my hearing loss. I’ve been trying to do research on the subject and I’ve found quite a few articles that mention anxiety and hearing loss but I don’t feel that they go into enough detail. Every article I found only spoke of hearing loss and anxiety with the elderly. There are many reasons one may lose their hearing other than age. I lost my hearing quickly from an illness. The articles all speak of getting a device to for your hearing loss to relieve anxiety. I got my first cochlear implant (CI) almost as soon as I lost my hearing, my assissitive devise has not taken away my anxiety. I do not know if my anxiety would be higher if I did not have my CI’s and lived in a completely silent world all the time or not, I never have. But I can tell you that my anxiety has risen significantly since I lost my hearing.
At first I didn’t realize I had anxiety due to my hearing loss. I knew I had anxiety due to the sudden attacks of vertigo so I simply attributed much of it to that. I can say that both have been a big part of my life for years now, but at this time in my life, I’m not as concerned about the vertigo. Not because I don’t have it, but because I deal with it much better. I’m not so freaked out by an attack, I can deal with it if it happens and I rarely have attacks as severe as the attacks I used to have on a regular basis. I’ve come to realize that the majority of my anxiety now stems from my hearing loss.
Many people believe that with my CI’s I can now hear normally, that is far from the truth. It also confuses people because I can hear fairly well in a quiet place, I can also hear certain people much better than others (it depends on the frequency of the person’s voice) this makes it hard for people to understand why I can’t hear under every circumstance. However it is very hard for me to hear when there are 2 or more people talking, or when a person has an accent or someone has facial hair or doesn’t move their mouth much, or puts their hands in front of their mouth…. I simply cannot understand speech in a lot of situations. Most of the time I am completely lost in a noisy environment. How am I supposed to socialize?
I often just smile and nod, or I chime in at an inappropriate time and get embarrassed afterward. Sometimes I talk too much, after all if I’m talking then no one else can so I’m not missing anything. There’s a problem there too, often people will chime in and I’m lost again, and I seem very rude. So normally I look at Stuart for cues and ask occasionally if there is something I need to know. It’s not a pleasant experience and it is very anxiety provoking. Imagine sitting at a table where everyone is talking and you have no idea what is being said. You simply eat your meal and wait until it’s time to leave. Since moving to Tucson there have been numerous times that we have gone out to eat with the family that includes between 7 and 9 people. We’ve been to extremely noisy restaurants and we’ve been to quiet restaurants, it makes a huge difference. Unfortunately, they seem to only want to go to the noisy places so I normally bow out of those outings.
When we had them to our home I did have the children sit at a different place than the adults which reduced the noise but our dining room does not have carpet so it echoes, that makes hearing harder. However, one person kind of dominated the conversation so I kept up pretty well, I did miss some and Stuart caught me up on that later, which I thought “when did that happen” but since I was in my home it was not as bad. But my anxiety leading up to that dinner brought on a full blown panic attack. I will not go through that again. I’m not sure dinner with the whole family together is worth it to me.
There are many other things that cause me anxiety around my hearing loss:
sleeping alone in the house – I can’t hear the smoke alarm or anything else.
being in a store I can’t hear when anyone is around me
I can’t hear when someone calls my name
I can’t hear when someone comes up behind me
I often can’t hear if someone knocks on the door.
I can’t hear emergency vehicles.
I can’t hear the GPS
I meet someone and tell them I’m deaf and they begin to use ASL
I realized recently that my anxiety over driving is not totally the action of driving itself, although living in a new town and not being able to hear the GPS is pretty bad, it is also the anxiety of what happens when I get there.
The last time I drove I went to Whole Foods. a whole 1 mile from my home, I got there and was fine, I went to get a basket and found a phone in my basket. I knew I had to take it in and find someone to turn it in to. Anxiety started. I found someone as soon as I walked in the door as she was returning glasses do someone who had left them at a register, we exchanged pleasantries and I walked away not really knowing what she said but I knew it was nice and hoped I had responded appropriately. As I walked the aisles looking for my groceries I was acutely aware of the people around me but still one person came up behind me, and another came around a corner and I did not hear either before the were right on me. When I got to the register I had to tell her I had profound hearing loss and had to see her lips, she went on to say how wonderful it was that I could read lips and I have no idea what else she said, I paid for my groceries and left. When I walked outside I was still shaken but the day was beautiful and I saw a lady I saw when I went in who was eating her lunch and I decided I wanted to put myself out there for just a bit (my therapist would be proud) she was reading a real book and I commented how nice it was to see that, she said how much she loved real books and I went on my way. I only spoke to her because it was quiet out and I was sure I would know her response, and I did. At least I’m pretty sure I did. However, when I got in my car I realized I was shaking. I felt the car vibrating like it was running but I hadn’t started it. I looked around to see if big truck had gone by, but the only thing I could attribute it to was me.
When reading over the articles about anxiety and hearing loss the suggestions they give to help include getting a hearing assistive device like a hearing aid, give the device a change, see a therapist, ask family and friends to help what you need to hear easier, get a hearing dog, get involved in a hearing loss association…
So out of those suggestions, I have a device that I’ve had for nearly 6 years, I give them a chance every day. I have not shied away from situations. (Although a I have started to). I have a therapist. Stuart helps me, I’ve asked others to understand and help but most do not even attempt to help, I’m considering a hearing dog, but I need to make sure we can take on the added responsibility of caring for another dog, I have been involved in a hearing loss association in the past and I’ve looked into it here in Tucson but my anxiety simply hasn’t allowed me to do it yet. (If it’s like the last association I’m not sure I’ll feel like I belong)
Studies, sited below, have shown that hearing loss is related to anxiety, depression, social isolation, and demetia.
We need to work with those with hearing loss to help them integrate with main stream society better so they do not feel so left out. We need to help them understand they are just as viable and cared for as they were before their hearing loss.
Today’s Mindfulness Monday is not really quotes on mindfulness, they are mindful quotes on mental health. There are more quotes than usual, I actually found over 30 that I liked and finally cut it down to these 7. After each quote I will explain why I chose that particular quote. I hope you will bare with me, as most of you know I’m working through a mental health crisis of my own, and working on this post has helped me feel not so alone. ***Please note that this post contains a frank discussion on mental health issues including suicide ideation.
“Beautiful fake smile.
All it takes is a beautiful fake smile
to hide an injured soul and
they will never notice how broken you really are.”
I chose this quote because we I often use a fake smile to get through the day. Whether it be because of my physical or mental illnesses, that fake smile makes others believe I’m okay, and that makes dealing with the general public, and sometimes even those closest to me, easier. I don’t have to explain, I don’t have to deal with the awkwardness…..the fake smile, is a shield I use to deflect the judgments from others.
“Be proud of every step
you take towards stability,
no matter how big or small.”
I have been feeling like all the work I’ve been doing to overcome this crisis has shown little improvement. I chose this quote because it reminded me that even the smallest steps toward my stability are worth being proud of.
“I’m still me no matter
my mental health”
Earlier today I texted a friend how afraid I am that this is my new normal, all the anger, and simply being a bitch all the time. I’m no longer a nice person. I told her, “I feel like I’ve lost Wendy” I chose this quote simply because it reassured me that Wendy is still in there somewhere.
“It’s exhausting to fight a war
inside your head
every single day.”
If you don’t have a mental illness I don’t think you can ever understand this quote, if you do, I doubt I have to explain why I included it. This constant battle going on in my head is driving me insane….or perhaps I’m insane is why I have the battle in the first place….these are the kind of questions that bombard me all the time lately. Every… Single….Day
“Surviving a psychiatric crisis is one thing.
Overcoming one is something completely different.”
I hope to somehow understand this, and hopefully so will my husband. Right now we are in survival mode, overcoming it is going to be a long, hard process. (I’m not sure it will ever happen completely)
“The bravest thing I ever did
was continuing my life
when I wanted to die.”
Okay, I’m admitting something here so other’s my hear my pain, and will perhaps not feel so alone. Each day since this crisis began has been a fight for my life. More than once I’ve thought it would be best if I were not here. I’m not being selfish, of looking for the easy way out. I’m hurting the person I love most, over, and over, and over again. When I’m having the most severe emotions, rage, despair….and the psychosis (auditory hallucinations) I cannot see that removing myself from this world would hurt him worse, I can only see that I’m causing him so much pain, and at that moment I believe that if I’m wasn’t here it would be better for him…and others I love. I want to remove myself from the situation. Actually, that’s exactly it, I am simply trying my hardest to get away from the war inside me, I simply need to escape. The pain is just too great. Please do not judge me, if you do, keep it to yourself, my psyche can’t handle it right now. I am not in danger, my husband and my psychiatrist know about this and I’m being watched….like a child….I hate it.
”You know when you’re in a bad dream
and you’re trying to run, punch, kick, or scream,
and your body just won’t move?
You open your mouth and nothing comes out.
You feel frozen or in slow motion,
and no matter how hard you try to fight it,
That’s how it feels to battle mental illness.”
When I read this quote I thought….Yes!! It is often like that. I feel like I scream and scream and even when I’m making noise it makes no sense. I’m stuck, I can’t get out. I just want me back again! There are so many people who feel like they aren’t themselves after they start their psychiatric medication, especially those who are bipolar I, like me. I will admit, when I first started my meds I wondered if the changes in my moods were making me less….me. I was losing part of who I identified as me, but after I was stable for a while I realized that the real me was the stable person. I no longer had times of extreme mood swings, I no longer did so many dangerous things, I felt more in control. Yes, I missed being able to pain for days on end, I don’t feel I’ve been as creative, and I miss the times I could read 2-3 books in one day, but I don’t miss buying a car I couldn’t afford, or having sex with someone and not remembering it, or losing days that I don’t remember. That wasn’t me. When I’d relapse, which has never been as bad as this crisis, I’d run to my doctor immediately for help. I didn’t like that feeling at all, I was suddenly not me. And suddenly after 20+ years, I’m having a severe crisis. It scares the hell out of me. I will say, I think I’m better today than I was 2 weeks ago, but I still have a long way to go.
I just want to be Wendy again.
***by the way, the photo above is a self portrait I took a few years ago. I haven’t been in the mood to take many pictures lately, and I felt this photo was appropriate. (all right’s reserved)
In February sometime I started having wrist pain. On the inside of the wrist right below the thumb, I would have sharp pain with certain movements. It especially hurt to hold my phone or tablet. That caused a big issue since I draw on my tablet and I had a pet portrait I was working on. Luckily the portrait is for a friend who is also chronically ill, so she understands these things.
While at Urgent Care for another matter, a suspected UTI, I had the doctor take a look at my wrist and she said I had tendinitis and needed to rest it and it should be fine in a couple of weeks. I put it in a brace and waited. The pain and swelling got worse. After about 3 weeks, I went to see my primary care doctor. She took x-rays and they didn’t show anything. She referred me to a Hand Clinic. Of course, it took a couple of weeks to get in there and during that time, the pain got worse. The brace was not helping. The brace stopped me from flexing my wrist up and down, but not side to side, and that’s what was causing the most pain.
While I waited I kept doing research to try to figure out what was wrong. If you search for wrist pain, you will find carpel tunnel, and not much else., and I did not have the symptoms of carpel tunnel. You really have to dig to find other causes. Finally I found something that fit my symptoms – De Quervain’s tenosynovitis. There was even a simple little test to diagnosis it.
The Finkelstein test is performed by placing your thumb against your hand, making a fist with your fingers closed over your thumb, and then bending your wrist toward your little finger. If you have severe pain, you probably have De Quervain’s tenosynovits.
De Quervain’s tenosynovitis is inflammation of tendons on the side of the wrist at the base of the thumb. (see image left) So yes, a type of tendinitis, but not one that will get better with a brace.
Last week I saw the hand specialist and he confirmed my suspicions. I have DQ. He even drew a little picture explaining it. He told me the brace was useless, to just get rid of it. (freedom!) He said that a steroid injection in the affected area cures the condition 80% of the time, some people need a second injection, and very rarely it requires surgery to open the tunnel and make more room for the tendons.
So I got a shot. He tried to be gentle but, Oh boy did that hurt! He said I should feel some relief immediately because the shot has some numbing medication, and I would feel lasting relief in a day or two. If the pain comes back after a couple of months, I’ll need another injection. If it comes back after that, then I’ll need surgery.
I didn’t really feel the immediate relief he spoke of, but the next day it was like a light switch cut off. The pain was almost completely gone. By day two, I barely felt pain at all. Now, I’m still barely feeling any pain, every once in a while I’ll get a twinge, but that’s all. I’m amazed! After 2 months of intense pain, I had one shot and it’s gone! Wow, if only everything I had could be cured so easily. Yes, I know the pain could come back, but I’m taking this as a win!
What causes this? They aren’t exactly sure. It can be from repetitive motion using the wrist, like picking up a baby (I can’t tell you the last time I picked up a baby). It is often seen in new mothers and middle aged women. It could be caused by hormonal fluctuations, or other conditions like arthritis. Anything that causes swelling really. I’m thinking mine was caused by the way I was holding my tablet while drawing, it put a lot of pressure on my thumb and bent my wrist. I’ve since gotten a new computer and I don’t hold it like I was holding my tablet, so I’m hoping I don’t have a repeat of this.
Last night I was even able to finish my latest pet portrait.
What do you think?
* painting by W. Holcombe. All rights reserved. Do not use without permission.