Rainbow, Tears, and feeling Dizzy

I don't know if you can see it in this picture, but this was a beautiful rainbow, with a second rainbow right above it.

We had a nice rain on Friday.  Stuart went to leave the house and called me out to see this beautiful rainbow.  How fabulous.

Thursday was our last Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting (MAPP) class.  For the past week I’ve cried and cried.  I was grumpy, argumentative, and just plain scared.  I finally realized that I was letting what my father said get to me.  I read a lot between the lines.  He really didn’t say that much, but I could just hear the disapproval.

I’m venting here, so forgive me.

The classes ask you a lot about your relationships.  They ask about your support system.  They ask how your family will react to you having a foster child.  I knew how my father feels about African Americans.  I know he’s a bigot.  But I felt I needed to ask him.  After all, this is going to be my child, perhaps he would feel differently, perhaps he would support us.  (I know unrealistic dreams.)  When I told him it was highly likely that the child we would get would be an African American, and wanted to know if he could accept that.  He told me that I knew how he felt about things like that.  This hurt and I continued to think about it.  Finally, I felt I needed to ask more.  I asked him if he could accept any child that wasn’t white?  If he could accept a mixed race?  Anything?  This is the answer I got: “As for as your question
about the Foster care thing I don’t really know how to answer that because that is really up to you what you want to do.  I don’t think in the long run you will be happy with it but I am wrong a lot of the times.
So I am just saying do what ever you and Stuart want to do and don’t worry about what anyone thinks.”

Don’t worry about what anyone thinks.  That includes him.  And telling me that he doesn’t believe that I will be happy with this.  Yeah, Pop, thanks for the support.

I hate to admit it, but his words made me doubt myself.  This isn’t unusual, but I thought I had grown past it.  I realize that I need to just back away from my immediate family, but this is very hard.  It’s hard to not want my family to support me.  However, I’m not surprised.  The only person in my family who ever supported me was my mother.   I miss her.

Now that I realize what was really going on inside of me, I’m feeling much better.  I’m very happy with my little family right here.

On Thursday I was having a lot of ear pain.  When we left our class that night I started feeling dizzy as we went down the elevator.  As we walked out to the car, I was scrambling for some Valium.  (can’t be too safe, right?)  When I got to the car, I took the Valium with some watered down warm diet Dr. Pepper that was in the car.  Yuck.  But it was wet, and it worked.  Don’t you hate it when you really need to take a pill, and you don’t have anything to drink?

The disequilibrium subsided, but the pain continued through that night.  The next day it was better.  Today is the last day of antibiotics for my ear infection.  I really hope it has knocked it out, and I won’t have to take any more.  I’m thinking the pain was mostly from all the tears.

The dizziness has been a bit scary.   I’m sure it’s because of the ear infection and the crying.

As another Meniere’s warrior said this week, “I am so utterly grateful and do not take one day of freedom from vertigo for granted.”   (Thanks Angelea for all the inspiration.)

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7 thoughts on “Rainbow, Tears, and feeling Dizzy

  1. Oh, Wendy, this makes me cry for so many reasons. First, that something I said touched you. You have clearly been at this a lot longer than I and am just thrilled that you have not been scarred by all you have been though and not ended up with the victim mentality. So many people will move on from one “illness” to another as an excuse not to live their lives to the fullest. I can’t believe all you are accomplishing already. You are the inspiration!

    As for your father, people’s hearts can change. And even if his doesn’t, you will make such a difference in a child’s life and send them into adulthood breaking the cycle of racism of our parents’ and grandparents’ generations. I am glad you found some peace in knowing where the emotions were coming from. That’s more than half the battle.

    Hugs!
    Angelea

    PS I am still reveling in the fact that we have an African American president. 🙂 The hope that gives children, something many would have never dreamed for themselves is now possible.

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  2. There is nothing that can change an old man’s mind and heart like the love of a child. I am sure that your Dad’s attitude will change when he meets whatever child you bring home. He can change…but he has to do it on his own. Love can melt the ice around his heart.

    Feel better soon,
    mo

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  3. I hope that if you adopt a child of colo(u)r, or from another country such as China (where friends adopted a their child), as mo suggests, hearts will melt.
    I also hope that your ear infection clears up soon.
    And, best of luck with the next stages of the adoption process.

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  4. Well, dad’s showing his supportive and optimistic self, isn’t he?

    I know that we all want and need the support of our family but sometimes we just don’t get it. I really hope when your dad meets the child, he will start to change. With much credit to you though, you are being realistic that may not happen and you and Stuart will deal with it when the time(s) come.

    But, most importantly, the child will be raised in YOUR HOME and will see and experience the love and support that the three of you will have as a family. Sadly, bigotry and prejudice and everything else that we wish didn’t exist still does and won’t be going away. It’s going to be one of the many life lessons you’ll be teaching along the way and the young lad or lassie will be a better person because of it.

    And you can always fall back on one sure thing. WWMMD? (What would my mom do?) There is no greater tribute than taking the lessons learned, teaching them to your own child and watching them grow into wonderful adults.

    Maureen

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  5. Hmm. Apparently there’s been an issue with your rss feed (or at least how it connects to LJ) because I just got a bunch of your posts at once.

    First of all, you scared me with the dizziness there! I didn’t know you had an ear infection. I probably missed something so I’ll read back on some past posts.

    Second…your father is who he is. And you are who you are. (Gordon Bennett, that sounded a bit generic, didn’t it?) You’ve shaped your own family and he has nothing to do with your household. You have very supportive friends around you. I, for one, have been kind of eager to see what happens with this. I look forward to seeing how your life changes and what sort of effect I might have on this child’s life, whoever he or she will be.

    And lastly, I miss you! I need some Wendy time!

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    • Oh my dear friend,
      You are so very special to me! I miss you too!! We were just talking about you and how we haven’t seen you lately. I’m so glad you are looking forward to being a part of our child’s life.
      I’ll get in touch soon to talk about some quality time.

      (I noticed my blog was having some technical difficulties. I changed a few things, lost a few things in the process, but hopefully, it’s working now.)

      love to you!!
      w

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  6. This is why I post when things are bothering me. You guys are so supportive of me! I never thought I could feel so close to people who I haven’t met in person. But I can’t imagine my life without the friends I’ve made on here!

    I love you all!
    w

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