We had a nice rain on Friday. Stuart went to leave the house and called me out to see this beautiful rainbow. How fabulous.
Thursday was our last Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting (MAPP) class. For the past week I’ve cried and cried. I was grumpy, argumentative, and just plain scared. I finally realized that I was letting what my father said get to me. I read a lot between the lines. He really didn’t say that much, but I could just hear the disapproval.
I’m venting here, so forgive me.
The classes ask you a lot about your relationships. They ask about your support system. They ask how your family will react to you having a foster child. I knew how my father feels about African Americans. I know he’s a bigot. But I felt I needed to ask him. After all, this is going to be my child, perhaps he would feel differently, perhaps he would support us. (I know unrealistic dreams.) When I told him it was highly likely that the child we would get would be an African American, and wanted to know if he could accept that. He told me that I knew how he felt about things like that. This hurt and I continued to think about it. Finally, I felt I needed to ask more. I asked him if he could accept any child that wasn’t white? If he could accept a mixed race? Anything? This is the answer I got: “As for as your question
about the Foster care thing I don’t really know how to answer that because that is really up to you what you want to do. I don’t think in the long run you will be happy with it but I am wrong a lot of the times.
So I am just saying do what ever you and Stuart want to do and don’t worry about what anyone thinks.”
Don’t worry about what anyone thinks. That includes him. And telling me that he doesn’t believe that I will be happy with this. Yeah, Pop, thanks for the support.
I hate to admit it, but his words made me doubt myself. This isn’t unusual, but I thought I had grown past it. I realize that I need to just back away from my immediate family, but this is very hard. It’s hard to not want my family to support me. However, I’m not surprised. The only person in my family who ever supported me was my mother. I miss her.
Now that I realize what was really going on inside of me, I’m feeling much better. I’m very happy with my little family right here.
On Thursday I was having a lot of ear pain. When we left our class that night I started feeling dizzy as we went down the elevator. As we walked out to the car, I was scrambling for some Valium. (can’t be too safe, right?) When I got to the car, I took the Valium with some watered down warm diet Dr. Pepper that was in the car. Yuck. But it was wet, and it worked. Don’t you hate it when you really need to take a pill, and you don’t have anything to drink?
The disequilibrium subsided, but the pain continued through that night. The next day it was better. Today is the last day of antibiotics for my ear infection. I really hope it has knocked it out, and I won’t have to take any more. I’m thinking the pain was mostly from all the tears.
The dizziness has been a bit scary. I’m sure it’s because of the ear infection and the crying.
As another Meniere’s warrior said this week, “I am so utterly grateful and do not take one day of freedom from vertigo for granted.” (Thanks Angelea for all the inspiration.)