I’ve been a Slacker.

I know I’ve been very slack at updating my blog lately.  I hope you haven’t given up on me.

Remember when I posted that I had a little dizzy feeling, not much, just a little off?  Well, it happened again during one of our classes.  I stood up during the break and the floor moved under me, this was pretty alarming considering we were on the 6th floor.  Then I realized that no one else noticed it, so that could only mean it was just me.  *sigh*  I was also having pain in my left ear.  I saw the audiologist for a follow-up on my hearing aids, and she said my ear drum was a little red, so I could be getting an ear infection.  This was on a Thursday, I had my physical scheduled for the next Tuesday so I decided to have my doctor look at it then.  On Tuesday, my doctor looked and said I had one of the worst classic ear infections she has seen.  I was told to not wear my hearing aid for a week or so.  It was very painful, and I was off-balance for about a week, but I’m so glad it was something that could be easily fixed.  And not a relapse.  Whew!

I was surprised to find out that my blood work, cholesterol and all that stuff, was better this year than it was last year, and I weigh about 40 pounds more now.  Go figure.  It seems that elevated triglycerides can be caused by fructose intolerance.  My triglycerides have been high for years…many years!  They are still a little high, but much lower than they have been in a long time!  Now if the weight would just start to come off.  I just don’t understand why I’m not loosing weight.  One step at a time I guess.

Fostering Classes have taught me so much.  Not just about becoming a foster parent, but also about myself.  I’ve been looking inside much more than I have in a long time.  The classes have been emotionally draining, but I feel I’m much more resourceful now.  I may need help, but now I feel that I’m more prepared at knowing where to get the help I will need.  I also know that no matter how much I learn, I will feel a bit lost when a child actually comes into our home.  Hands on is going to be much different from in a classroom.

I am so disappointed that we aren’t getting more support from our family and friends.  My father has hurt me to the extent that I am at a loss for what to do.  We haven’t ever been close, and I know that he is very prejudice.  Not only did he say that he could not accept it if we got a child of a different race.  He told me that he didn’t believe that I would be happy with this.  He is completely against it.  If it comes down to me choosing between my father and my child, my father will lose.  (but really, he lost me a long time ago)

My sister and I were estranged for many years.  This past year we started talking again.  She doesn’t say much.  A couple of sentences here and there, nothing of substance really.  I’ve mentioned to her about us fostering in 3 separate emails, and she hasn’t acknowledged it.  I’m certain she feels the same way my father does.

It’s hard feeling like I would be better off if I just didn’t have a family.  Since my mother died, I haven’t felt like I had a family at all.  I’ve remained in touch with my father and sister because it makes it easier if I want to see or even talk to anyone else in our family.  (like aunts, uncles, cousins..)  But recently, I’ve realized I haven’t had much contact with any of these people in years.  So why do I continue to try?  It’s so confusing.

One of the exercises in our classes we had to write down 5 things we were close to, that made us who we are.  Most people included their family.  I wrote: My husband, My pets, Art, Friends, and my Blog.  The friends I’ve made from my blog have been more supportive of me than my family, and most of my in person friends.  Thank you all.

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9 thoughts on “I’ve been a Slacker.

  1. So glad they caught the ear infection and are taking care of it, they can be painful!

    I’m sure the fostering classes are full of all kinds of info and advice. You will probably fall right into the “Mom” role when you get your foster Child. It’s an inborn instinct with us women! I’m positive you will be a great foster Mom.

    The same thing is happening with my brothers and sister since my Mom passed away six months ago. We seem to have been closer when she was here, just like said with your Dad and sister. Moms really are the glue that hold the family together. Seems like you have tried to stay in contact with them, and they don’t care. I understand. You can only take it for so long, and then you give up. But don’t give up on yourself.

    Keep being positive!
    mo

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    • Mo, It warms my heart to hear such supportive words. I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine from college the other night, and she was so supportive, it really made me realize how little my every day friends have said anything, or have been there when I was in need. I thought, “who in my life has really been there when I needed them?” I came up with a few close friends (much fewer than I thought), and my blogging family.

      I am so grateful for the support I’ve been given, from people who only know me on line. I never thought that would be possible, but my blogging friends have saved me, in more ways than one.

      I didn’t know your mother passed away just 6 months ago. When I lost my mother it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. I’ve tried and tried with my family (my mother died almost 18 years ago), I’m just tired of trying. I don’t think I need to tell them that I give up, I think I’ll just stop reaching out. If I do that, I think things will just dissolve.

      If you ever need to talk, please feel free. I’m here for you. wendy

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  2. As I often say, we can chose our friends, but not our family. In my case, with my mother’s death just a little over a year ago, I felt I could finally “wash my hands” of relatives that I kept the peace with only so as to not upset my mother. In the case of one, his greed deprived my mother of a few small items she wanted from her mother-in-law’s house (even after I had gone done and “put” mom’s name on the items). Worse, he lied about the value of the estate which should have gone to my mother as my father was dead , what had been sold and for how much, and I signed off on it, thinking that he wouldn’t rip off his own family! And, when I found out just how devious and greedy he and his wife were, my mother wouldn’t let me take him to task., nor ask, on her behalf, for the additional monies which she could definitely have used. I won’t go into relatives from her side of the family. What makes it sadder is that I at most I only had 3 aunts and two uncles!
    If your family isn’t willing to accept whatever child comes into your life, then you are very right in saying that the child will take first priority. It is hard to take that stance about family, but the way I look at it is: Would you become friends with someone who held those ideas about race? In my case, would I take on someone as my friend who lied and stole from their own family? Even my sis-in-law who used to put family above all else, her own needs and wishes included, has gradually begun to realize that family members often aren’t deserving of our love and attention.
    I hope your ear infection clears up quickly! Folks with chronic illnesses understand that blogging, like life, can’t always be done to its fullest — e.g. daily or weekly posts. Post when you can; your followers are no doubt a patient lot.

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    • Phylor,

      I do have friends that I feel are more like family than my own family is. I feel like our lives are like a soap opera. I just don’t fit in with my family any more. And realize just how little my mother really did either, but she was the glue that held us together. Now, well, things are complicated. Or maybe they aren’t. If they weren’t family I wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Nothing. Wow, that was hard to say, but I think I’ve known it for a long time.

      I understand the greed within families. When my mother died she came in my parents house the day after the funeral, when I wasn’t there, and took everything of my mother’s. Luckily, my mother had already given me a few special things that she wanted me to have. And my sister had the nerve to ask me for those. What? She has everything else. One thing I really wanted that she took, was letters my mother had saved between her and my father that were written when my father was in the Navy, and she was pregnant with me. I asked her for them, she said they were in her attic, and she would get them for me…..she never has, after I’ve asked numerous times. Oh well.

      It makes me feel much better to know that others have been through, or are going through, some of the same feelings I have about my family.

      thanks for understanding. wendy

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  3. Hi!
    It´s so good to have you back, writing your blogg. I´ve thought a lot of tornados and bad weather in your area, so you having an ear infection is better than you having been hit by a storm 🙂 But I´m glad to hear you´re feeling better now, of course.
    What a great thing to become foster parents! There are so many children in the world who needs parents. And the colour is of course no problem!!! Listen to yourself and what you want and not to your family!
    Raising a child means a lot of challenges and I want to see it as challenges instead of problems. As a parent you grow together with your child and you learn things about yourself. Thoughts about my own family and my own childhood came to me when I became a mother. I´m very lucky who have a big and supportive family. But it´s not anything I take for granted – today I feel very rich having my whole family.
    I think you will become a great mom. You will meet challenges and it can be tough sometimes. But it´s a privilege to raise a child and most of all it gives you a lot of pleasure!!! I so want to hear more…
    This weekend I´m going for a conference arranged by the “Society for Hearing Impared in Sweden”. I will attend to seminares about Menières, and I will meet others who “walks along with Mr M”. My head is not too good today, but on Friday I hope the world will be still so I can go there!
    Yours
    Susanna

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    • Susanna, How wonderful that you will be attending the conference! I hope you are feeling better, and nothing prevents it. I can’t wait to hear all about it!!

      Thank you for your words of encouragement. I’m sure you will be hearing much more about our journey.

      oh, no bad storms here. All around us it seems, but we haven’t had a lot. Luckily, enough rain that our garden is doing well, but not too much. : )

      wendy

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  4. Of course we haven’t given up on you!

    I’m so glad that it’s “only” an ear infection. I know how worried you were about a relapse. Great news about the blood work. It’s always a relief when the results come back good. As for the weight, you’re right…it is one step at a time. Have you taken your measurements, though? You probably know this already but muscle weighs more than fat so as you start moving around more you’re actually losing fat, just not necessarily weight at the beginning. You’ll feel better, clothes will be looser and, darn, you’ll have to buy some new clothes at some point. 🙂

    You can do it. You have also been dealing with a lot of new information, food-wise but you’ll find your groove. I have to stop by your page. I really haven’t done much tracking since I fell last month. I’ve just popped in on a couple of threads to occasionally say hi.

    As for family, I really don’t know what can be added. You want to bring a child into a loving home, you’re taking classes to help you prepare and you’re keeping an open heart and mind to whatever and whoever will be coming your way.

    I think that as we get older, we look around at other families and see what they have and what they don’t have and we do the same with our own families. I guess for me it was reconciling that my parents, who were born in the early twenties, tried to do their best but grew up learning not to really think outside the box, upset the apple cart, that sort of thing. We did the family thing for birthdays and holidays but we really aren’t a close family. I don’t think they should have gotten married and had kids but they came from a generation where it was thought something was “wrong” with you if didn’t.

    At my mother’s funeral, my brother, who was born during my mother’s first marriage, kept introducing me as his step-sister, not half-sister since we’re blood relatives, or just sister as our mother raised us. As far as she was concerned, there was only brother and sister, no half. But, at some point, I realized he didn’t want to have me as part of his family (he married when I was 5 so I more or less grew up as an only child). As for relatives, my dad’s side of the family rarely contacted anyone but him and my mom’s side was able to take the fun out of dysfunction a lot of the time. Though, I have to admit, my mom and her one sister tried, even though they would go through spells of not talking to each other.

    I think when we see how loving and supportive families can be, it’s only natural to wish we had that growing up, wish our families made more of an effort. I know I do, but not all of us get that experience. I know that there is that “something”, that “part of our soul” that is missing that I never got as a child. Love and support is such an important building block of growing up. However, what we get to do is think about our families and see what can be done better and how we can be better parents and better people.

    And that is why I think you guys will be wonderful and that whoever joins your family will be really, really lucky.

    Maureen

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    • Maureen, I was a bit worried about a relapse. I guess it will always be in the back of my mind. I am relieved it was only an ear infection. After having so many of them as an adolescent, this one was pretty easy.

      I haven’t taken my measurements, but I have noticed I need to get in a tighter hole on my belt. (I’ve actually gone 3 holes tighter) I haven’t logged my food in about a week or so. I’ve been eating the same thing, so I was just a bit aggravated. I’ll get back on it.

      Thank you for all the support. We went to our therapist today, and she was very encouraging. I think we both felt better when we left.

      I think I know of more people with dysfunctional families than I do with normal families. It makes my head spin. (I don’t think my parents should have gotten married either. They were soooooo different, and didn’t communicate at all.) Their relationship really showed me all the ways I didn’t want mine to be. It’s taken a lot of work to get past what I was taught in my family was “normal”, but with continued effort, I think we are doing pretty good.

      At fostering class last night one of our instructors asked me if we had a good support system to help us. I thought…ummm…well, I have my blogging friends. Does that count? I sure think so!

      wendy

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  5. Hi Wendy!
    So glad you are back. I know how you feel about the panic you feel when you think you are going into a relapse. I had a spin this morning for the first time since October! Thankfully with a little prayer and some allergy meds within 45 minutes all was fine and I went out to the garden to work. The fastest recovery yet!
    Please know that what you are doing, becoming a foster parent, is such a high calling. I so admire the journey you are on! God calls us to love each other and to take care of each other. We were created to live in community, not alone. So, since you are doing such an honourable and blessed activity, the enemy will do all he can to stop you. Don’t listen to the lies. Know that what you are doing is being the hands and feet of God Himself! May He Bless you abundantly!!!!!!!

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