Category: Chronic Illness

Way Too Much Stress!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, stress3 Comments

Another venting post.  If you are tired of hearing me bitch, please just ignore this post and come back next time.  : )

I think I’m dealing with things pretty well…considering.  Stuart says that I just brush things off, that I’m not realizing how much has been coming down on me.  Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been feeling well?  I don’t really feel stressed…but I think it’s coming out in other ways.  Deep Breath!!

As you all know I went through a scare with Stuart recently.  I must admit this has gotten to me more than I want to acknowledge.  I realized this yesterday when we were lying in bed, laughing about something, and I grabbed him and looked him in the eye and said, “DON’T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE YOU DID!” And yes, I was shaking him a little bit as I said it.  What the????  And I keep dreaming about it.  We will be together in my dream and I will look over and see him as he was when he walked in the door on that fateful day.  Not a good dream.

Now I have something else on my mind.  One of my best friends is going through marital troubles.  She has twin girls who just turned 3.  Her marriage has been strained for the past couple of years.  Night before last he was arrested for physical abuse.  I’m so worried about her.  I’m happy that she is on her way to her mother’s, and will be away from the situation for a while.  But I’m concerned.  And I’m afraid she won’t talk with me about it.  I knew things weren’t right between then, but she hasn’t talked to me about it really.  She didn’t want to “bother” me with everything because of what I’ve been going through.  That really bothered me.  It really bothers me that my friends don’t think I could still be a friend because of my health problems.  Am I not still the same person?  Am I not still the person she has confided in for years?  Or is she just using that as an excuse because she knows I never really liked her husband.  Or because she was embarrassed?

But she isn’t the first friend who has told me that they didn’t want to “bother” or “burden” me with their problems because of everything I’ve been going through.  That hurts, and I just don’t get it.  For one thing, I’ve been a lot better since January.  And even when I was more ill, it would have helped me so much if my friends still made me feel needed.  I had to start this blog to start feeling needed again.

I shouldn’t say I don’t get it.  I do.  But people just don’t understand.  I don’t need to be left alone to wallow in my illness.  I need to feel needed!  I need my friends.  Instead I’m often avoided.  Even now that I’m feeling better.  I feel like some of my friendships have not survived.  We are more like acquaintances now.

I’m still not feeling “normal”.  I have “slosh head”.  My hearing has been down for a month now.  So I’ve been on constant alert that I may be having an attack at any moment for weeks…heck, this is beginning to feel like my normal.  I am so tired so much of the time.  What is wrong with me?  I’m sleeping 10 – 12 hours a night, and often take a 2-4 hour nap during the day.  So some days I’m only awake for about 8 hours.  Oh, and the headaches.  I’ve been having more and more headaches.

OK, perhaps the stress is getting to me.

Much better.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Disability, Life5 Comments

I wrote this post yesterday but for some reason I didn’t post it.  I still want to let everyone know what was going on, but I also want to say that the tinnitus has calmed down to a tolerable level, and my hearing is almost back to normal.  I’m feeling much better!!

But this was yesterday:

As we all know, I’ve been under a LOT of stress lately.  I’m really trying to take care of myself, but I still feel pretty crummy.

Last Thursday, I woke up and the hearing in my left ear had significantly dropped.  Now, it’s been over a week, and still my hearing is down.  I can’t remember a time this has ever happened before.  Normally, if my hearing drops I have an attack shortly afterward.  My last attack came after 4 days of diminished hearing, and that was unusual.

After the scare with my hubby, I have been so very tired.  I’ve been sleeping A LOT, and mainly just lying around.  I keep feeling off-balance, but not spinning.

Last night the tinnitus significantly increased.  And I really mean Significantly!  My left ear is roaring so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything else.  Sleep is almost impossible.  (I did doze on and off all night.)  It’s just so dang LOUD!  My head hurts.

I just want to scream, “What the F*%&?”

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack for over a week.  Hearing dropped, fullness increased, tinnitus increased, and disequilibrium is icky.  Being on constant alert is so tiring, and painful.  Yes, I said painful.  I am in knots, all over my body.  I am so tense I just can’t relax.  Every night before I go to sleep I have to take a hot bath to try to help the pain.

On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to losing my husband.  I just don’t know what I would do.  He is just so much of my life.  My best friend, my lover, my care-giver, my provider….  Not only would I be losing the love of my life, I’d be losing my stability.  I feel horrible for thinking about those things.  It has been so hard for me to give up so much of my independence, and I finally came to terms that I can rely on him, and accept his help…but what if, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away?  Yes, we have life insurance.  I would be provided for monetarily for some time, but money can’t give me what Stuart does.  He accepts me, he loves me, he is always there when I need him, and I need him a lot.

I’m working on it.  But that was a big scare, and it will take some time to deal with it properly.  I just hope it did some good.  I hope Stuart can find more in life to make him happy.  He has a career he’s not that happy in, but we need the money.  I would really like for us to be able to get in the position where he could afford to make much less money, and where I could contribute.  Having a job you love is much more important than having money.  Unfortunately, with the medical bills, and a mortgage, money is pretty important right now.  We thought about down sizing, and simplifying our lives, but selling the house in this market…not really possible.  But I want to have a plan.  A plan to change things.  I want for Stuart to find hobbies or volunteer work that he can find happiness in while he still has to work in a career he really doesn’t like.  We can do this.  I can help.

thanks for listening.  I feel much better today.  : )

Much Better – Doctor’s Report – and Sandy update.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life, Meniere's Disease12 Comments

Thank you to everyone who sent me so many good wishes and encouragement!!

I saw Dr. Kaylie yesterday.  He was not discouraged by my attack, and feels confident that I will continue to feel well.

However, he said, I do still have Meniere’s Disease, so I may have an attack now and then.  If we can keep my attacks down to one small one every 3-4 months, then that’s doing great.  He’ll be concerned if I start having attacks more regularly, and if I start having more severe headaches again.  If that happens then I’ll need to get in to see Dr. Gray again, and have another Myelogram.  Since we don’t know what caused my leaks in the first place, there’s always a chance I could get more.

It was kind of funny, when he said that I still have Meniere’s and I may have occasional attacks, I told him, “No, I’m cured!”  Of course, I was just joking.  We all know I’ve never looked at this as a cure, but perhaps, down deep, I was kind of hoping.

Since I didn’t have a picture that would go with this post, I decided to share some photos of my Sandy Dog!

Sound Asleep
Waking up. (Thanks to that darn flash.)
A bit confused.
What a cute dog.
Look at this face. How could you feel bad with that face looking at you?

Update on Sandy.  For those who don’t know the story of my darling dog:  Sandy is 18 years old.  She was found in a dumpster when she was about 1 year  old.  I adopted her shortly after she was found.  She’s been my constant companion for 17 years.  In March of 2009 we found out Sandy had bladder cancer.  She had the tumors removed, but in July of 2010 an ultrasound showed that the cancer was back.  We were told then that Sandy didn’t have enough bladder left to operate again.  The doctor told us that this cancer is very aggressive and he guessed she would last about 6 months to a year.  We do have her on a drug that is supposed to slow the growth of the cancer, and so far so good.  She still acts as if nothing is wrong.

I noticed that Sandy acted like she couldn’t see us as well as she usually does.  She was barking at people she knew until they were close enough for her to smell them, or really see them.  I noticed that her eyes were looking a little cloudy.  A couple of weeks ago we took her to the vet, and she does have cataracts.   The doctor said she can probably see light and dark, big shapes….that kind of thing.  I think she can still notice movement because she follows my hand motions.  (She has been hard of hearing for a long time now.)

Even with all of her “issues”, Sandy is a happy dog.  She runs around the house, and asks to go for a walk every day.  She still runs up and down the stairs, jumps on the couch and on our bed.  Of course, her favorite pastime is chasing the cat!

I really don’t understand just how good Sandy is doing until I see other dogs close to her age.  Our vet said that they are always talking about Sandy, she is a wonder dog!!  Still so energetic and bouncy at her age!  I hope I age so well!

Living in Limbo, life with an Invisible illness. A Guest Post

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Guest Post, Medical Tests, Meniere's Disease17 Comments

I’d like to thank Maureen from Sunshine and Chaos for writing a very emotional post for us.  Maureen is on a mission to embrace the new her, a person with an unnamed invisible illness.  Her blog is very up beat, and inspirational.  I suggest everyone check it out.

Maureen told me that she thought this would be an easy post to write, but found it very hard.  She said everything about her condition is just so general.  “When you not on firm footing you’re just out there flailing.”  I think she did a great job!

I have a problem.

My problem is that I’m in limbo like my friend in the picture, Wile E. Coyote.

I have something wrong with one of my ears. I say something because the ENT doctor could only say “it” happens to a lot more people than what is realized and to try to find “a quality of life”.

My “it” is balance issues that started in 2000 and my having a chronic illness was finally confirmed by the ENT in 2005. What I have is basically an invisible chronic illness with no name.  A “we know how you’re being affected, just not what is causing it“.  I feel like Wile does in that picture. On firm ground one minute, in limbo waiting for gravity to take effect the next. I was healthy one minute, living in limbo the next without a specific diagnosis. No specific diagnosis, no possible cure,  no plan of action that can help me get back on my feet and be a contributing member of society again.

The doctors would always ask me if I would get dizzy and I would say no.  A big part of my problem over the years is that I rarely got dizzy. If I did, it didn’t last long and I would attribute it to something else such as getting up too quickly or having a head cold.  I did have a few dizzy spells a number of years ago due to water in the ear and I don’t get anything like that.  I NEVER FORGOT that feeling of the world spinning. And, I would add,  my mother had Meniere’s and I saw how she reacted and dealt with it.

What it really felt like at the beginning was “the flu that wouldn’t go away”. Sounds like a bad horror flick, doesn’t it? On my bad days, that’s what it still feels like.  I had high blood pressure for the first time in my life, light-headed, slept a lot, no energy, ached a bit, lost my appetite and had a bobbing feeling in my head. Different conditions and diseases were ruled out. The flu eventually went away and also ruled out were chronic fatigue syndrome, mononucleosis, peri-menopause, thyroid, my heart (in the beginning it would beat irregularly and at times fast), brain tumour (I would get a tingling sensation up the back right side of my head that would turn into a headache) and whatever else all those tubes of blood and other tests might confirm.

The best word to describe how I now feel is disequilibrium. Here’s a definition from the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

Disequilibrium is a sensation of impending fall or of the need to obtain external assistance for proper locomotion. It is sometimes described as a feeling of improper tilt of the floor, or as a sense of floating. This sensation can originate in the inner ear or other motion sensors, or in the central nervous system.

Now that I know that the problem starts with my ear, I believe keeping control of my head movements has reduced most of the symptoms.  But they have only been exchanged with other symptoms and side effects.  What I get is a woozy feeling, like I’m in a boat and bobbing up and down on small waves.  I can be sitting still and it will feel like someone is shoving me to the right. I can stagger like I’m a bit drunk but be stone-cold sober.  Changes in the weather affects me so much more.  Before, it meant random sinus headaches.  Now I start feeling off-kilter and want to stay in bed.  Sometimes going for a walk will help me feel better, sometimes a walk only makes things worse.  I will pace the hallways of my house just so I can have a “walk” and avoid being far from my bed in case I have to quickly lie down.  I have a stationary bike that I use so that I can stay seated and not move my head.  I take my cell phone with me on even the shortest of walks, just in case I have to call a cab to get home.  On days when I want to, or have to do something, I’ll do it and have to lie down afterward so everything in my head can calm down.  And, the rare times when I’m close to feeling “normal”, I sometimes overdo it and then I can easily pay for it for a week afterwards by needing to stay in bed.

After all these years, I the person, looking back objectively, can appreciate that in the beginning the doctors couldn’t tell what was going on with me. Everyone, including me, thought it was a really bad case of the flu.  But, that idea lasted only so long. I understand that, even as the months progressed,  my symptoms were still, general in nature.

However, I the patient, wish the questioning went beyond asking “light-headed or dizzy” and included asking about “balance”.  I wish I didn’t live in a restricted-budget medical climate where a doctor is not able to order tests based on gut instincts and experience or not have someone else question some of the tests. That actually happened during one of my tests – a doctor questioned why my doctor ordered a test.  I have never had a doctor do unnecessary tests.

I also wish that the family history of Meniere’s was taken more seriously. My mother had it and I would ask if I had it or if there was a genetic connection.  I was always told no but it seems more than a coincidence that a close relative suffered from ear problems.

What I really wish is that I had a disease with a name.  I could have a fighting chance at treatments or a cure.  It would bring legitimacy to what I’ve been dealing with all these years.  People deal with illnesses in different ways.  I was only in my mid 30s when I first became sick.  You’re supposed to bounce back, not stay sick.  Some people understood.  They were usually the older ones and had friends or family dealing with various illnesses.  The younger they were, the more chances that I wasn’t believed.

Not being able to be as physically active means that my overall health and stamina has deteriorated.  Heart disease and diabetes runs in the family.  How has the loss of activity sped up the possible development of these diseases for me?  How many years have been taken off my life?  How will my final years be lived out?  We never know how things will work out in the end, but we don’t want to rush things along.

As the saying goes, I truly am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And being in limbo means not much chance of going back to a normal life.

There are so many things that Maureen said that rings true, isn’t there?  I wrote a post not too long ago about being happy about a diagnosis.  Not that I had the disease, but that it now had a name.  It is so very hard to have a disease that doesn’t have a name.  As Maureen said, it would bring legitimacy to her suffering.   

Thank you so much, Maureen, for talking about such a difficult subject, and speaking so honestly.

Rainbow, Tears, and feeling Dizzy

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life, Meniere's Disease7 Comments
I don't know if you can see it in this picture, but this was a beautiful rainbow, with a second rainbow right above it.

We had a nice rain on Friday.  Stuart went to leave the house and called me out to see this beautiful rainbow.  How fabulous.

Thursday was our last Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting (MAPP) class.  For the past week I’ve cried and cried.  I was grumpy, argumentative, and just plain scared.  I finally realized that I was letting what my father said get to me.  I read a lot between the lines.  He really didn’t say that much, but I could just hear the disapproval.

I’m venting here, so forgive me.

The classes ask you a lot about your relationships.  They ask about your support system.  They ask how your family will react to you having a foster child.  I knew how my father feels about African Americans.  I know he’s a bigot.  But I felt I needed to ask him.  After all, this is going to be my child, perhaps he would feel differently, perhaps he would support us.  (I know unrealistic dreams.)  When I told him it was highly likely that the child we would get would be an African American, and wanted to know if he could accept that.  He told me that I knew how he felt about things like that.  This hurt and I continued to think about it.  Finally, I felt I needed to ask more.  I asked him if he could accept any child that wasn’t white?  If he could accept a mixed race?  Anything?  This is the answer I got: “As for as your question
about the Foster care thing I don’t really know how to answer that because that is really up to you what you want to do.  I don’t think in the long run you will be happy with it but I am wrong a lot of the times.
So I am just saying do what ever you and Stuart want to do and don’t worry about what anyone thinks.”

Don’t worry about what anyone thinks.  That includes him.  And telling me that he doesn’t believe that I will be happy with this.  Yeah, Pop, thanks for the support.

I hate to admit it, but his words made me doubt myself.  This isn’t unusual, but I thought I had grown past it.  I realize that I need to just back away from my immediate family, but this is very hard.  It’s hard to not want my family to support me.  However, I’m not surprised.  The only person in my family who ever supported me was my mother.   I miss her.

Now that I realize what was really going on inside of me, I’m feeling much better.  I’m very happy with my little family right here.

On Thursday I was having a lot of ear pain.  When we left our class that night I started feeling dizzy as we went down the elevator.  As we walked out to the car, I was scrambling for some Valium.  (can’t be too safe, right?)  When I got to the car, I took the Valium with some watered down warm diet Dr. Pepper that was in the car.  Yuck.  But it was wet, and it worked.  Don’t you hate it when you really need to take a pill, and you don’t have anything to drink?

The disequilibrium subsided, but the pain continued through that night.  The next day it was better.  Today is the last day of antibiotics for my ear infection.  I really hope it has knocked it out, and I won’t have to take any more.  I’m thinking the pain was mostly from all the tears.

The dizziness has been a bit scary.   I’m sure it’s because of the ear infection and the crying.

As another Meniere’s warrior said this week, “I am so utterly grateful and do not take one day of freedom from vertigo for granted.”   (Thanks Angelea for all the inspiration.)

I’ve been a Slacker.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Dietary Fructose Intolerance, Fructose Malabsorption9 Comments

I know I’ve been very slack at updating my blog lately.  I hope you haven’t given up on me.

Remember when I posted that I had a little dizzy feeling, not much, just a little off?  Well, it happened again during one of our classes.  I stood up during the break and the floor moved under me, this was pretty alarming considering we were on the 6th floor.  Then I realized that no one else noticed it, so that could only mean it was just me.  *sigh*  I was also having pain in my left ear.  I saw the audiologist for a follow-up on my hearing aids, and she said my ear drum was a little red, so I could be getting an ear infection.  This was on a Thursday, I had my physical scheduled for the next Tuesday so I decided to have my doctor look at it then.  On Tuesday, my doctor looked and said I had one of the worst classic ear infections she has seen.  I was told to not wear my hearing aid for a week or so.  It was very painful, and I was off-balance for about a week, but I’m so glad it was something that could be easily fixed.  And not a relapse.  Whew!

I was surprised to find out that my blood work, cholesterol and all that stuff, was better this year than it was last year, and I weigh about 40 pounds more now.  Go figure.  It seems that elevated triglycerides can be caused by fructose intolerance.  My triglycerides have been high for years…many years!  They are still a little high, but much lower than they have been in a long time!  Now if the weight would just start to come off.  I just don’t understand why I’m not loosing weight.  One step at a time I guess.

Fostering Classes have taught me so much.  Not just about becoming a foster parent, but also about myself.  I’ve been looking inside much more than I have in a long time.  The classes have been emotionally draining, but I feel I’m much more resourceful now.  I may need help, but now I feel that I’m more prepared at knowing where to get the help I will need.  I also know that no matter how much I learn, I will feel a bit lost when a child actually comes into our home.  Hands on is going to be much different from in a classroom.

I am so disappointed that we aren’t getting more support from our family and friends.  My father has hurt me to the extent that I am at a loss for what to do.  We haven’t ever been close, and I know that he is very prejudice.  Not only did he say that he could not accept it if we got a child of a different race.  He told me that he didn’t believe that I would be happy with this.  He is completely against it.  If it comes down to me choosing between my father and my child, my father will lose.  (but really, he lost me a long time ago)

My sister and I were estranged for many years.  This past year we started talking again.  She doesn’t say much.  A couple of sentences here and there, nothing of substance really.  I’ve mentioned to her about us fostering in 3 separate emails, and she hasn’t acknowledged it.  I’m certain she feels the same way my father does.

It’s hard feeling like I would be better off if I just didn’t have a family.  Since my mother died, I haven’t felt like I had a family at all.  I’ve remained in touch with my father and sister because it makes it easier if I want to see or even talk to anyone else in our family.  (like aunts, uncles, cousins..)  But recently, I’ve realized I haven’t had much contact with any of these people in years.  So why do I continue to try?  It’s so confusing.

One of the exercises in our classes we had to write down 5 things we were close to, that made us who we are.  Most people included their family.  I wrote: My husband, My pets, Art, Friends, and my Blog.  The friends I’ve made from my blog have been more supportive of me than my family, and most of my in person friends.  Thank you all.

Working Girl

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease7 Comments

First, I’d like to thank all of my friends for checking on us after the storms hit North Carolina.  We were very fortunate, all we had at our house was a lot of rain.  The tornadoes came through the next town over.  Raleigh was hit pretty hard, but Durham wasn’t hurt.  It means a lot to me that so many people cared enough to check to make sure we were alright.

This week I’m working for my husband’s company.  His boss and wife are on vacation, and they needed someone to answer the phones and asked if I would be interested.  I was thrilled that I could say yes.  Just think a short time ago I couldn’t commit to anything like this.  Also, I couldn’t hear well enough to talk on the phone.  Thanks to my new iCom link for my hearing aids I can hear the phone right in my hearing aids, it’s great.  It’s like having a blue tooth in both ears at the same time.

iCom
iCom

This little box connects my hearing aids to my phone, TV, iPod, and/or computer.  If I’m watching TV and the phone rings it will shut the volume for the TV off so I can answer the phone.  How cool is that?  I just love this little box.

I’m still so amazed at how much my life has changed.

However, last night I had something unsettling happen.  I was putting my hair up in a pony tail, I turned from the mirror and the world did a little dip.  Just for a second, and it didn’t come back.  But before I would have thought that was the beginning of a vertigo attack.  My stomach did a flip-flop, but that was all.  Hopefully, it’s nothing, but when you’ve had my past experiences you know it could mean something.

Gardening, Fostering Classes, Housework, Hearing Aids…a busy week.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life9 Comments

What a long title huh?

Boy am I busy this week.  Just think a couple of months ago I wouldn’t have thought about doing any of the things I’m doing lately.  (or planning to do…heck, I wouldn’t have made plans.)

So yesterday and today we started working in our little garden patch in the front of the house.  When it rains we have a river running through there so we had to be inventive.

Front Yard Garden, in progress.
Sandy walking through front garden.

I wish I had a before picture, then you would know just how much work we have done.  We decided to work with the water flow instead of against it.  We put some small pebbles to help the path of water, so it won’t tear up the garden, then sat potted herbs on top of the rocks.  (We still need 2 more pots to fill the area, but our local gardening center was out.)  The pots contain herbs, we have day lilies coming up from last year, and we put out wild flower seeds to fill in.  We’re also going to put a rock border around the front.  (We found a lot of cool rocks in the woods right behind our house!)

Tomorrow night we start fostering classes.  They will need to do a house visit to inspect where we live, so we need to get the house in order…and ready for a child.  We also need to sign up for CPR classes, including CPR for children.  And we each need to make appointments to bet a physical.  Lot’s to do, but totally worth it.

On Friday I’ll be getting my hearing aids.  How cool is that?  I just can’t wait to hear what I’ve been missing.  I wish I was getting them before we start our classes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to hear what’s going on.  Luckily, I’ll have Stuart there to help.

I’m still having too many headaches.  I do wish they would go away.  Perhaps the next time I see my neurologist she will be able to do more.  I’m also having more hip pain than usual, of course I’m doing more.  But that doesn’t mean I should be in pain all the time.

What is everyone else up to?

Thankful that I know…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Dietary Fructose Intolerance, Disability, Fructose Malabsorption, Meniere's Disease11 Comments

When you are suffering for a long time and don’t know what’s wrong, when doctors look at you like it’s all in your head (and some even tell you that), when it takes years and still no one knows…it’s so nice to be diagnosed.

art by Aquatic Fishy at Deviant Art.com

Some of my illnesses were diagnosed fairly quickly, and still some things are still pretty vague. (chronic hip and pelvic pain – ummm, why?)

I know it may sound weird but I was so happy when I found out that I had a wheat allergy, gluten intolerance, hypothyroidism, Meniere’s, hypoglycemia, a B12 deficiency, a Vitamin D deficiency, and finally and most recently fructose intolerance.

Each of these diagnosis took a long time to discover.  Especially the wheat allergy (gluten intolerance) and Meniere’s.

For years I was sick.  I saw a note in my medical records one time from a doctor that said, “This patient comes in with a laundry list of complaints….”  I was shuffled from doctor to doctor.  I was told I had Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and IBS.  I had to learn to live with it, and I did for years.  I even started a local Fibromyalgia support group.  (I’m so very thankful for one very special friend that came from that group.  You’re great Lisa!!)  But I never stopped looking for an answer, or something that could help.

Finally, I was reading about food allergies and asked my doctor to test me.  Come to find out I have a wheat allergy.  Thank Goodness, I found out.  I stopped eating wheat immediately, and started feeling so much better within weeks.  Then I read about how many people can not tolerate gluten, and the symptoms for celiac disease.  A lot of these symptoms fit me, so I decided to stop eating gluten, and it was like a light switch came on in my life.  I no longer felt like I had the flu all the time, or that I needed to sleep most of the time.  I had a new lease on life.  I’m so grateful.

I had vertigo attacks on and off for years, with a full feeling in my ear and a constant ringing, but no one could tell me why.  One night after having vertigo and throwing up over 8 hours my fiance (now my husband) took me to the emergency room.  The doctor there told me that he thought I may have something wrong with my ears.  Perhaps the crystals that some people get, or something else that causes vertigo…he even mentioned the possibility of Meniere’s.  I loved this doctor.  I was so grateful that he believed that there was something wrong with me, and I wasn’t just getting food poisoning over and over.  (yes, that’s what I had been told.)  So I went to an ENT, and he said I have Meniere’s Disease.  I was so thankful to know something.  Am I happy that I have Meniere’s? NO.  But I am just so thankful that I have a diagnosis.

I’m so happy to be involved in the research going on at Duke to find out if an imbalance of Cerebral Spinal Fluid (CSF) may be one of the causes for vestibular vertigo in some Meniere’s and Ramsey Hunt Syndrome patients.  I was so very happy to find out that I had CSF leaks and they could patch them. My life is a new again.  (no vertigo for over 2 months now!)

Most recently, after 7 months of chronic, almost daily, diarrhea; and a battery of tests, I am so thankful to find out that I have Dietary Fructose Intolerance (or Fructose Malabsorption).  Yes, it makes eating much more difficult, but I’m already feeling better after just one week.  What a difference knowing can make.

Am I thrilled to have so many chronic illnesses?  Of course not.  But I’m so thankful that I know.

I’m also thankful for all that I’ve learned from having chronic illnesses.  I’ve grown so much as a person.  But that story is for another day.

Thank you all for supporting me through all of time trials.  Isn’t it great to know?

Guilty Pleasures while having a Chronic Illness

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life3 Comments

The theme for this edition to the PFAM (Patients For A Moment) blog carnival is Guilty Pleasures.  You can see all the submissions on Sick Momma’s blog starting March 9th.

A Guilty Pleasure is defined as something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it.

I have a lot that I feel guilty for, but not many pleasures that I feel guilty over.  But I do have a few…

Each of these I feel a little guilty about because I either feel like I should be at least trying to do something more productive, it cost money and I don’t work, or because I feel like I’m taking advantage of my husband.

image from ucd.ie

I love spending time on my computer, reading blogs and posting on my blogs.  The computer is sometimes a great escape, and it is often a way for me to communicate with other people.

image from sodahead.com

I also love that I have more time to read because of my illness.  I can get lost in a book.  They help me escape, and learn.  I will never get tired of learning new things.  I think reading helps to keep my mind active and has lessened my brain fog.  But still I often feel I should be doing something else.

image from tbcgym.com

I love for my husband to massage me.  He is such a great help to me, and I don’t get to pamper him near enough, but I love it when he pampers me.  He takes care of me all the time, but I get so much pleasure from having him rub my neck and back.  Oh and when my hip is giving me a lot of trouble, he is wonderful at trying to make it better.

I also love going to get a professional massage.  I don’t do this very often, and I always feel guilty afterward, because it cost money.  Plus, I feel like if anyone should be getting a massage, it should be my darling husband.  He works so hard, and he treats me so well, he deserves to be pampered.

image from show.com

I have a secret obsession for shoes, and purses.  I’m trying hard not to buy any new shoes or purses, but it’s so hard.  I try to find them at thrift stores, and I have found a few.  But when I’m looking for something in particular it’s hard.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy a ton of shoes or purses.  I am, however, on a constant search for the perfect purse.  This is very funny coming from me because I used to never carry a purse and was proud of it.  However, now I have to carry an epi pen and an inhaler with me all the time, so I have to carry a purse.  And shoes!  I don’t buy a ton, but I have a weakness for funky tennis shoes, and shoes that look great but are still comfortable.  I don’t give in to this guilty pleasure very often, but I just can’t help myself sometimes.

image from roxyishere.wordpress.com

I also love to find great make-up and facial products that are made from natural ingredients, are gluten-free, and haven’t been tested on animals.  This is getting easier than it used to be, but it’s very hard to find a product that fits all those categories, that is still affordable, and lives up to what it promises.

image from marieclair.com

One more I really like having a manicure or pedicure, or even giving one to myself.  I love wild fingernail polish.

I keep thinking of these things that I just love to do, but feel at least a twinge of guilt when I do them.  The question is, should I continue to do them and feel guilty, should I stop, or should I stop feeling guilty about it?

I made a compromise a long time ago, and I think it’s a good thing.  I don’t over indulge in my guilty pleasures, this makes me feel much less guilty.  As much as I love shoes, purses, manicures, polish, massages, and books I don’t buy very many.  I get about 2 new pairs of shoes a year, I average 1 purse a year, 1 mani-pedi a year, and 2-3 massages.  I haven’t bought new polish in a long time, however, I have made new colors by mixing a few together.  I rarely ever buy a book, however, I love my local library!

I think the one guilty pleasure that I have that I probably need to do less, is staying on my computer.  I think I should try to limit it to less than 2 hours per day.

By incorporating these restraints I feel much less guilty about my guilty pleasures.  After all, shouldn’t we all have a few pleasures that make you feel like you are splurging?