Another venting post. If you are tired of hearing me bitch, please just ignore this post and come back next time. : )
I think I’m dealing with things pretty well…considering. Stuart says that I just brush things off, that I’m not realizing how much has been coming down on me. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been feeling well? I don’t really feel stressed…but I think it’s coming out in other ways. Deep Breath!!
As you all know I went through a scare with Stuart recently. I must admit this has gotten to me more than I want to acknowledge. I realized this yesterday when we were lying in bed, laughing about something, and I grabbed him and looked him in the eye and said, “DON’T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE YOU DID!” And yes, I was shaking him a little bit as I said it. What the???? And I keep dreaming about it. We will be together in my dream and I will look over and see him as he was when he walked in the door on that fateful day. Not a good dream.
Now I have something else on my mind. One of my best friends is going through marital troubles. She has twin girls who just turned 3. Her marriage has been strained for the past couple of years. Night before last he was arrested for physical abuse. I’m so worried about her. I’m happy that she is on her way to her mother’s, and will be away from the situation for a while. But I’m concerned. And I’m afraid she won’t talk with me about it. I knew things weren’t right between then, but she hasn’t talked to me about it really. She didn’t want to “bother” me with everything because of what I’ve been going through. That really bothered me. It really bothers me that my friends don’t think I could still be a friend because of my health problems. Am I not still the same person? Am I not still the person she has confided in for years? Or is she just using that as an excuse because she knows I never really liked her husband. Or because she was embarrassed?
But she isn’t the first friend who has told me that they didn’t want to “bother” or “burden” me with their problems because of everything I’ve been going through. That hurts, and I just don’t get it. For one thing, I’ve been a lot better since January. And even when I was more ill, it would have helped me so much if my friends still made me feel needed. I had to start this blog to start feeling needed again.
I shouldn’t say I don’t get it. I do. But people just don’t understand. I don’t need to be left alone to wallow in my illness. I need to feel needed! I need my friends. Instead I’m often avoided. Even now that I’m feeling better. I feel like some of my friendships have not survived. We are more like acquaintances now.
I’m still not feeling “normal”. I have “slosh head”. My hearing has been down for a month now. So I’ve been on constant alert that I may be having an attack at any moment for weeks…heck, this is beginning to feel like my normal. I am so tired so much of the time. What is wrong with me? I’m sleeping 10 – 12 hours a night, and often take a 2-4 hour nap during the day. So some days I’m only awake for about 8 hours. Oh, and the headaches. I’ve been having more and more headaches.
OK, perhaps the stress is getting to me.