I wrote this post yesterday but for some reason I didn’t post it. I still want to let everyone know what was going on, but I also want to say that the tinnitus has calmed down to a tolerable level, and my hearing is almost back to normal. I’m feeling much better!!
But this was yesterday:
As we all know, I’ve been under a LOT of stress lately. I’m really trying to take care of myself, but I still feel pretty crummy.
Last Thursday, I woke up and the hearing in my left ear had significantly dropped. Now, it’s been over a week, and still my hearing is down. I can’t remember a time this has ever happened before. Normally, if my hearing drops I have an attack shortly afterward. My last attack came after 4 days of diminished hearing, and that was unusual.
After the scare with my hubby, I have been so very tired. I’ve been sleeping A LOT, and mainly just lying around. I keep feeling off-balance, but not spinning.
Last night the tinnitus significantly increased. And I really mean Significantly! My left ear is roaring so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything else. Sleep is almost impossible. (I did doze on and off all night.) It’s just so dang LOUD! My head hurts.
I just want to scream, “What the F*%&?”
I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack for over a week. Hearing dropped, fullness increased, tinnitus increased, and disequilibrium is icky. Being on constant alert is so tiring, and painful. Yes, I said painful. I am in knots, all over my body. I am so tense I just can’t relax. Every night before I go to sleep I have to take a hot bath to try to help the pain.
On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to losing my husband. I just don’t know what I would do. He is just so much of my life. My best friend, my lover, my care-giver, my provider…. Not only would I be losing the love of my life, I’d be losing my stability. I feel horrible for thinking about those things. It has been so hard for me to give up so much of my independence, and I finally came to terms that I can rely on him, and accept his help…but what if, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away? Yes, we have life insurance. I would be provided for monetarily for some time, but money can’t give me what Stuart does. He accepts me, he loves me, he is always there when I need him, and I need him a lot.
I’m working on it. But that was a big scare, and it will take some time to deal with it properly. I just hope it did some good. I hope Stuart can find more in life to make him happy. He has a career he’s not that happy in, but we need the money. I would really like for us to be able to get in the position where he could afford to make much less money, and where I could contribute. Having a job you love is much more important than having money. Unfortunately, with the medical bills, and a mortgage, money is pretty important right now. We thought about down sizing, and simplifying our lives, but selling the house in this market…not really possible. But I want to have a plan. A plan to change things. I want for Stuart to find hobbies or volunteer work that he can find happiness in while he still has to work in a career he really doesn’t like. We can do this. I can help.
thanks for listening. I feel much better today. : )