Much better.

I wrote this post yesterday but for some reason I didn’t post it.  I still want to let everyone know what was going on, but I also want to say that the tinnitus has calmed down to a tolerable level, and my hearing is almost back to normal.  I’m feeling much better!!

But this was yesterday:

As we all know, I’ve been under a LOT of stress lately.  I’m really trying to take care of myself, but I still feel pretty crummy.

Last Thursday, I woke up and the hearing in my left ear had significantly dropped.  Now, it’s been over a week, and still my hearing is down.  I can’t remember a time this has ever happened before.  Normally, if my hearing drops I have an attack shortly afterward.  My last attack came after 4 days of diminished hearing, and that was unusual.

After the scare with my hubby, I have been so very tired.  I’ve been sleeping A LOT, and mainly just lying around.  I keep feeling off-balance, but not spinning.

Last night the tinnitus significantly increased.  And I really mean Significantly!  My left ear is roaring so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything else.  Sleep is almost impossible.  (I did doze on and off all night.)  It’s just so dang LOUD!  My head hurts.

I just want to scream, “What the F*%&?”

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack for over a week.  Hearing dropped, fullness increased, tinnitus increased, and disequilibrium is icky.  Being on constant alert is so tiring, and painful.  Yes, I said painful.  I am in knots, all over my body.  I am so tense I just can’t relax.  Every night before I go to sleep I have to take a hot bath to try to help the pain.

On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to losing my husband.  I just don’t know what I would do.  He is just so much of my life.  My best friend, my lover, my care-giver, my provider….  Not only would I be losing the love of my life, I’d be losing my stability.  I feel horrible for thinking about those things.  It has been so hard for me to give up so much of my independence, and I finally came to terms that I can rely on him, and accept his help…but what if, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away?  Yes, we have life insurance.  I would be provided for monetarily for some time, but money can’t give me what Stuart does.  He accepts me, he loves me, he is always there when I need him, and I need him a lot.

I’m working on it.  But that was a big scare, and it will take some time to deal with it properly.  I just hope it did some good.  I hope Stuart can find more in life to make him happy.  He has a career he’s not that happy in, but we need the money.  I would really like for us to be able to get in the position where he could afford to make much less money, and where I could contribute.  Having a job you love is much more important than having money.  Unfortunately, with the medical bills, and a mortgage, money is pretty important right now.  We thought about down sizing, and simplifying our lives, but selling the house in this market…not really possible.  But I want to have a plan.  A plan to change things.  I want for Stuart to find hobbies or volunteer work that he can find happiness in while he still has to work in a career he really doesn’t like.  We can do this.  I can help.

thanks for listening.  I feel much better today.  : )

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5 thoughts on “Much better.

  1. Glad to hear that you are feeling better!! I believe that we always have the power to change our circumstances, sometime we just need to find the courage – which I am more than sure that you have.

    Sending good vibes for health and happiness : )

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  2. You know, I just wrote a long post about how I hate that you’re going through this, then I went back to the top and read that you’re feeling much better. heh. So…yay!

    I miss you. My wings have temporarily been clipped but I’m still around to talk.

    *hug*

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  3. Argh! I can relate. I just went through 2 long days of using every ounce of energy trying to process sound and voices through the bee hive in my ear. Today seems a bit better, crossing my fingers the bees settle down again soon.

    Glad you were feeling better by yesterday. And I am especially glad to hear Stuart is better, too. I can relate to the feelings you had/have about the dependence we have on our husbands, psychological, physical, and financial. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. I hate the burden he must feel because of my illness. Hate it!

    Well, happy Sunday. I am off to Costco. Woo hoo. 😉

    Angelea

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  4. Hi Wendy,

    Hope the stress is a bit more under control. I wish it were one of those things that could be easily switched off so that we could heal and feel better.

    I think we all understand the scare you had about losing Stuart. And don’t feel horrible about all the thoughts that you had. I know, easier said than done. But, everything you were thinking about tends to come into focus quite clearly at a time like this.

    You’re right when you say you have to deal with everything and deal with it properly. I’m glad to see that you’re making plans, though. Some of them aren’t easy, but have to be done and the planning will give you some peace of mind.

    Hugs and good thoughts to both of you.

    Maureen

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