Category: Chronic Illness

So, What am I mad about now?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life, Meniere's Disease, stress7 Comments
I Don't Like Me When I'm Angry!

I mentioned in my last post that I’m dealing with some anger issues.
I’m not talking about getting a bit upset here and there, I’m talking about some deep seeded resentment.  Something down in my gut that is just eating away at me.  Perhaps that is a bit strong…but I wanted to make a point.

I’ve been snippy, grouchy, teary, snappy….  Oh, let’s just say it, I’ve been a bitch lately.

Not all the time, at times, I’m a perfectly likable me.  Positive, light hearted, smiling, laughing…  Then unexpectedly, something will hit me in just the wrong way, something that normally wouldn’t mean anything, and I want to explode.

Finally, I tried to take a step back from the situation.  And ask myself, what are you REALLY mad at.  I’ve come up with a few things, some I bet you have felt at times, others may just be me.  I don’t like being like this.  I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, to believe things will work out, to understand that even if they don’t, I will survive.  No, not just survive, I will thrive!

It has been hard lately.  Spending almost every minute lying down.  Having horrific headaches, hearing things that aren’t there….well you all know what I’ve been going through.

And that my friends is what, I believe, I’m mad about!

I don’t want to sound petty, or ungrateful, or as if I don’t have hope.  This is just anger.  It may not be totally justified, and it’s not fair that I keep snapping at my husband, but it’s there, and I felt like I should discuss it.  (perhaps giving it a voice will help it to go away.)

I’m MAD…

  • that I’m not cured.  I know I kept saying that I understood that this was not a “cure”, that I know I still have Meniere’s Disease, and that I could handle it if my symptoms returned.  That this procedure gave me hope, and I would cherish every moment I had as a “normal” person.  (I’m not saying that those feelings have changed.  I still feel that way….but I’m still angry that it’s happening…and I don’t like myself very much for saying that.)
  • that I thought this was over.  I don’t feel that I was being as realistic as I should have been.  I’m not sure I was being honest with myself.  I knew the possibilities it could happen again, and I would need more treatment…but I don’t think it really sank in.  I put those thoughts aside and thought about the future…for the first time in a long time.
  • that I don’t feel I can plan for the future any more.
  • that I’m scared.
  • that I can’t do things I need and want to do.
  • that my house needs to be cleaned.
  • that Stuart has to do everything, and I keep getting angry with him when things aren’t done.  Or done the way I would do it.  How can I get angry at him for this?  Or am I really just angry because I can’t do it?
  • at my friends, who haven’t gotten in touch, who haven’t offered to help…the most I get from most is a quick note on facebook.  I know this has been going on for a long time, I know that my friends have lives and responsibilities.  I don’t blame them.  But I’m still hurt, and angry.  I don’t want them to feel bad.  I don’t know what I want, or expect.  I have 2 local friends who really keep in touch with me.  1 emails me often, 1 often chats with me on line.  (and I know he would be over to see me more often if he wasn’t having troubles of his own right now.)
  • at my family.  Who have never offered to help in any way.  (I must put in here, that I didn’t expect it.)
  • when I read about others who have so much more help.  Who have friends who bring them dinner, or family to come stay with them for a while, or someone to just sit with them.  (again, don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for what I do have…especially my husband)  But I am hurt, and disappointed that I don’t have more people who reach out.  And I’m mad at myself for being jealous of those who do.

Oh, I’m certain I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand by now.

This anger isn’t deserved.  It’s not even real in some instances.  I think it’s mostly about the situation.  I don’t want to be in this situation, and it makes me mad.  I don’t want my husband to be in this situation, and it makes me mad.  I don’t want to have my life on hold, and it makes me mad.

I’m trying to write this objectively, and honestly…but I’m not sure those two things go together right now.

When I got so much better after my patches in January, I started to see my friends at gatherings and things.  At first it was very hard.  I was angry at them.  It’s hard to explain.  These people mean a lot to me, but I felt like they forgot me when I wasn’t able to do much. Most didn’t ask Stuart if he needed anything.  Even when I would reach out and say exactly what I needed, I usually didn’t get it.  (I’m not talking about big things here, I wanted contact, emails…anything)  As I said before, I understand that people are busy, they have lives, and it’s hard to deal with a friend who has been having health problems for a long time, it’s not like it’s something that just goes away after a visit to the hospital, or one time bringing a caserole…this illness lasts…well, a life time.  Finally, I was beginning to feel better about things.  We would go to parties and I felt that I could mingle, and talk with people, and not feel that under current of anger.  I don’t want to feel like that again.

I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening to me.  In just the past 2 years my hearing has gone from some hearing loss in my right ear, to severe hearing loss in both ears.  I just got hearing aids in March, and I can barely hear out of them now.  When I don’t have my hearing aids in I can barely hear myself talk.  I realized I was screaming at Stuart the other night because my throat started to hurt.
But at times, for short periods of time, I can hear better.  So I don’t know what to do about the hearing aids if my hearing is fluctuating so much again.  (I’ll see Dr. Kaylie next month, I’ll ask him then.)  Of course, I’m hoping that after seeing Dr. Gray I will have some answers and my hearing will improve again.

This hearing thing makes me so mad!  Partially because of losing my hearing…but not really…I think I’m handling that pretty well.  But because having my hearing drop has always been a sign of a Meniere’s Vertigo Attack coming on.  So now, I’m constantly on alert.  I’m so jumpy, and jittery.  Every time I move my head and get a bit off balance, I’m convinced I’ll be spinning soon.  Or, I start to get used to it, and start to ignore it, like I did the other day…and I was almost hit with a full blown attack.  (yesterday, was more of the same.  Lot’s of mini-spins.)

I am trying very hard to deal with this anger.
Dang-it!  I’ve had some crappy stuff happen lately, and I’m pissed!

I’m also trying to come to terms with it.  To feel some of it and not bury it.  Just writing this helps.  Now I hope I can deal with it, and move beyond.

But, I’m also very grateful that if this was going to happen, it did it now.  Before we brought a child in to our lives.  I’m grateful, that I have good doctors who really care, and will do all they can to help me.  (I just wish I could have gotten in to see them faster. – and yeah, I’m pissed about that too!)  I’m more than grateful for my loving husband, and all that he does.  I just wish I could help him more, or get him some help.

I also want you to know…ALL OF YOU…how very much you mean to me.  How much your encouragement, and caring words have helped me through many a rotten day.
**I saw a post on Fly With Hope today, and I thought, “Yes!, that’s what I wanted to say!”  http://flywithhope.blogspot.com/2011/08/less-bitter-more-thankful.html  Thank’s Kelly, I needed to hear this.  I’m feeling more thankful already.  I promise I will not let this anger fester and become unrelenting  bitterness.

Silly Saturday

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Disability, Meniere's Disease3 Comments

I’m having a problem with Anger Issues lately.

I realize that it stems from the situation I’m in right now.  But, that doesn’t help much.

I hate feeling angry.

So I decided to be very silly!

Purple nails with bright green polka dots!

One good thing about not being able to do anything for…has it been over a month now?  Dang!  Oh, back to the good thing,  my finger nails look great!  I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and he suggested purple polish….a few days later, I added Polka Dots!

Now, you know it makes you smile to think that a 48 year old woman has Purple Finger Nails, with Bright Green Polka Dots!

**Note – my husband said that it didn’t surprise him at all.  Just as the orange hair didn’t surprise him.  “It’s just you!”  He also warned that if we ever are able to foster, that our child will think he or she has a really strange mom.  I disagree, I think they will think I’m a really cool mom!  (yeah, right…how many kids really think their parents are cool?)

An Evil Goblin Lives in my Head.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease10 Comments

I’m finding the drawing journal to be very therapeutic.

Day before yesterday was a very, very bad day.  I was awakened by one of the worst headaches I’ve ever had.  The lower part of the right side of my skull, and down my neck was…well, I can’t think of a good adjective…let’s just say, I was in a huge amount of pain.

Throughout the day I kept trying different meds to see if anything would work.  They sometimes made it better, often not.  I was nauseous, and just miserable.  That afternoon, I turned to look at Stuart and the world moved.  I felt all the symptoms of an attack starting.  The world was off-balance, but not completely spinning yet, I got HOT, I didn’t feel like my head and my body were listening to each other….I told Stuart…”It’s coming!”  He ran and got my medication, some cool wash clothes, and trash cans….he was getting prepared.  I’m happy to say the whole world spinning part didn’t happen, I didn’t throw up…but I was amazed when it started to calm down and didn’t become a full-fledged vertigo attack.  (I have a question, anyone else out there who has these attacks, when it first starts to you really have to go to the bathroom…bad?  Every time it starts, I have to go!  I don’t want to get up and move to go to the bathroom, I just want to stay as still as possible…but I can’t I have to go!)

For the rest of the day, the tinnitus was very loud, my head hurt, and I was exhausted.  I had to use my walker.  (very strange thing I’ve noticed, a lot of time when the tinnitus is at it’s worst, I can hear better….isn’t that the strangest thing you’ve ever heard?)

I’ve decided that I have an Evil Goblin living in my Head!  And he looks something like this:

Doesn't he look Evil?

These are his torture devices:

Look Familiar?

Here’s another sketch of my Evil Goblin (the original looks better.  I didn’t realize photographing graphite was so hard.)

face of the Evil Goblin in my head.

I hope you have enjoyed a view in my head.

Wanted to let everyone know that my appointment with Dr. Gray has been moved up to the 22nd.  I’m still on the cancellation list and if anything comes up before then…keep your fingers crossed.

Living for the day.  One day at a time.

Remembering Past Happy Places, and my Happy Place Now.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness13 Comments

I was visiting a few sites and saw that this month’s edition for the PFAM (Patient’s For A Moment) blog carnival hosted by FibroDAZE asks “Where’s Your Happy Place?”

This really started me thinking of how my “Happy Place” has changed over the years.

When I was a little girl I had a couple of “Happy Places”.  One was my closet.  It wasn’t a very big closet, but I loved to take everything out of the floor, and just play in there, I even remember camping out in my closet.  On the same note I had a toy that was like this big tunnel tube, I loved it.  Both of these places gave me a quiet place for me to go and think…or hide…and let my imagination run wild.

My tube was bright Green, with a design on it. But you get the idea.

My next “Happy Place” that I remember was my “tree house”…

This is a tree house palace compared to mine...but I loved it.

I “tree house” put that in quotes, because it was really just boards I nailed together as a makeshift ladder to get up in a tree, and a couple of boards wedged in the branches to sit on.  But oh how I loved it…and the happy times I spent there.  Again, a place I could go to think, hide, be by myself….and let my imagination run.

When I was a teenager, I had 2 “Happy Places”.  One was right down the road from where we lived.  There was a family who had horses.  I used to sneak on their property and visit the horses.  After a while, I started to brush them, and groom them….one day I was caught.  Luckily, the family was very nice, and offered to let me ride any time I wanted as long as I continued to come and take such loving care of their horses.  (What a deal!  I was 14, and considered this my first job.)  On the back of those horses, I felt free!  Safe, and happy!  I had a purpose…and I loved every minute of it.

Me, just a few years ago at Long Beach, CA. As you can see, still a Happy Place for me.

My other “Happy Place” when I was a teen…and I admit it is still a very Happy Place for me…is the beach.  We used to live a little over an hour from the beach. When ever I was having a hard time, my mom would say, “Let’s go to the Beach today!”  We’d take off, and spend the day at Huntington State Park  (near, Myrtle Beach, SC).  It was a bit secluded, we would take a picnic and just have the day together…and by the time we left, what ever was on my mind, what ever was troubling me…well my mom knew all about it, and always seem to make it better.  The beach was our special place, and still whenever I get a chance to go to there, I can feel my mother’s presence.  (Unfortunately, I can’t go as often as I used to.)

The Jockey - One of my paintings from college.

In college, my “Happy Place” was in the Art Studios at school.  I was at peace there.  I was in my element.  A friend once told me that she loved art, but I ate, drank, and slept with it!  It was my life…my how things have changed.  I miss that girl.  (I was excited last week when there was a Painting Category on Jeopardy, and I answered every question right!  Perhaps I still know a thing or two?)  When we bought our house, I planned for my art studio to be my Happy Place, but things just haven’t worked out that way.  Hopefully, I’ll begin to feel it again soon, but for now, it’s mainly just a room that stores all my art supplies.  It kind of makes me sad…all the potential…but still full of a lot of hope, and vision for the future.  If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that I’m currently trying to find my artist within again.  I’m sure she’s in there, look forward to meeting more of her soon.

This week I’ve been thinking about where I feel the happiest.  Admittedly, I’ve been going through a rough patch, and a happy place can be a bit hard to find.  So I thought…and thought…I remembered all my past happy places, but they just didn’t seem to fit now.  Then I felt it…the warmth enveloped around me…and I knew I was in My Happy Place.

Where is my Happy Place Now?

I kept coming to the same conclusion:

In my husband's arms! My Happy Place!!

and with my little Family!

Do you have a happy place?  Tell me about it!

So much to say….

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, CSF, Meniere's Disease, Pain13 Comments

I keep thinking of posting, I have composed many wonderful posts in my head as I lie in bed waiting for sleep will come….but of course, I can’t remember any of it once I wake up.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the spacing on this post.  I’m sorry it doesn’t have breaks for a lot of it.  I put them in, but they didn’t show up.  

**Fair warning**  This post is a lot of stream of consciousness talking.  Things that are on my mind.  You are welcome to read part of it, or non of it, or all of it….what ever strikes your fancy.  Just beware…I may ramble a bit.

My symptoms lately have been very strange.  Perplexing, is a good word.

photo courtesy of scienceblogs.com (Migraines)

I’m very lucky, I am NOT having vertigo!  But here’s what’s going on:

  • daily migraines – on a scale from 3 – 9  (one day was a 10 for about 10 – 15 mins, Stuart was ready to take me to the ER…but it subsided)
  • tinnitus going crazy – at times my tinnitus is so loud I swear a jet engine is taking off in my skull.  Usually, it last a couple of hours, slowly returning to my normal hum.  But days like yesterday….well, the EXTREMELY LOUD ROARING lasted for about 8 hours!  For a few days every night it would start around 10:30 pm and last until about 3 or 4am…then I could finally sleep.
  • my hearing was better during the loud tinnitus – yeah, WTF?  I put in my hearing aids and I could hear all the dings that sound when you first put them on – in BOTH ears.  This only lasted a few hours. This is the second time this has happened.  I’m glad because it shows me my hearing can improve in that ear, but it’s a bit much when it happens in conjunction with the roaring.  It’s also very confusing.
  • fatigue – are you surprised by this one?
  • disequilibrium – No I’m not having vertigo, but I get so off-balance some times.  I’m also getting that “woosh” feeling when I move my head too fast.
  • I keep feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack, but it doesn’t come.
Dr. Gray sent me an email that said she wanted to “test my pressure now!”  But her scheduling secretary said the soonest I can get in is August 30th.  He emailed me this, I emailed back and asked to be put on the cancellation list, telling him I only live a few minutes from Duke so it wouldn’t be a problem to get there in a hurry.  He didn’t respond, just set up the August 30th, appointment.
I’m not sure Dr. Gray is aware of how long it’s going to be before I can get in there, I think I’ll drop her a line today.  I hate to bother her, I know she’s a very busy lady…but I’m suffering here, and she did say she wanted to get this done “now!”.
Accomplishments:  Despite my symptoms, I have been able to do a few things. (Yes, mostly stay flat on my back, because it seems the symptoms are less the more I stay horizontal.)
On Friday, I had a massage.  Bliss.  I was having a very bad day with the disequilibrium that day, but made it through.  My massage therapist is a wonder, and very understanding about my conditions.
On Sunday, I went to the grocery story with Stuart, a whole hour and a half out of the house!  I felt like crap, but it was nice to get out!
On Tuesday, I went to a Home Owners Association meeting.  That didn’t go very well.  I was glad I could go, but had to rush home afterward.  The tinnitus got so loud while I was there I couldn’t tell the people were actually talking.  (I could see their mouths opening, but could not hear the words.  All I could hear was the rumbling.)  Still glad I went.
On Wednesday, it was a very LOUD day, as I mentioned before.  So most of the day was spent on the couch or in bed.  But last night right before I went to bed, I felt better.  So I cut up a bunch of tomatoes from our garden, and some shallots, also from our garden, with some garlic and had them in the crock pot (the pot part of it) in the refrigerator ready to turn on today to make spaghetti sauce.  I’m using fresh herbs out of my garden, so I’m not adding those until it’s almost finished.  (unfortunately, neither Stuart nor I got up at a reasonable time today, so we’ll be having spaghetti tomorrow.)  Haven’t tried to have spaghetti since my Dietary Fructose Intolerance diagnosis, hope it goes well, I really miss it.
Today.  Again, I’m mainly flat on my back, but I’m also doing laundry.  So a bit of getting up and down, but it feels good to do it.
The Artist’s Way workshop…well, that isn’t going so well now.  The farther I get into this book, the more I don’t agree with some of the things she suggest.  Last week was supposed to be reading deprivation.  That’s right.  No reading for a whole week.  Also no TV, or anything like that.  Ummm, no reading?  Well, that just isn’t going to happen with me.  I love to read, and get a lot of inspiration from it.  I just don’t get that one.
This book says you don’t need to be religious to follow the workshop.  But it continually talks about God, and how your creativity comes from Him, and by opening yourself up to his gift you will find your inner muse.  I don’t want to get into a talk about religion here.  But, I’m not that religious.  I’m not an atheist, but I’m not someone who believes I should turn everything over to God and it will work out.  I think he would expect me to do things for myself.  To work hard….  I could probably get in a whole big theological discussion here.  But I’m not trying to.  I can see where some people will be able to get a lot from this book.  But I just don’t think it’s for me.  I do enjoy the “morning pages”, and the Artist’s Dates.  I will try to keep those up.  I haven’t completely dropped the workshop…but I’m not as enthusiastic about it as I was when I started.
photo from weblo.com (I just thought this picture was really cool!)

I wish I knew of a different Creativity Workshop that wasn’t centered around God.  I’ve searched and found some possibilities, but I don’t want to dish out the money on books that I don’t know enough about.  I did find a couple at the library that I have ordered.  We’ll see how that goes.

I guess I will have to change my that goal on my 101 things to do in 1001 days.  Perhaps, instead of saying, complete the Artist’s Way Workshop, I will simply say, to complete a creativity workshop?
I think I’ll easily pass my goal of reading 100 books this year.  (I made that goal on Jan. 1st).  I’ve read about 15 in the past month.  Funny, how much you can read when you can’t do much else.  I’m proud to say that I haven’t just been reading popular fiction.  I’ve been reading art books, self-help books, classics and I’ve even been reading a book about the history of the Free Masons.  (that’s a really strange read)  I’m slowly reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin, but it is quite a good book!  I like to jump around from book to book, what I’m in the mood for at that moment.
Things that are on hold:
Of course having these symptoms have put a lot of things on hold.  It makes me sad, but I’m hopeful I will be able to continue these in the near future.  Including:
Becoming Foster Parents
Losing Weight
Exercising
Taking an ASL (American Sign Language) class.  I planned to take an ASL class through a continuing education course at our local technical college, but it starts August 16th.  If I can’t even get in to have my pressure checked before August 30th, I don’t think it’d be a good idea to start trying to take a class.  I’m checking some things out at the library…we’ll see what I can learn on my own.
Gardening – The garden has been severely neglected.  It’s time to start thinking about a fall crop, but that isn’t happening.  Our summer crops didn’t do very well.  As I think I’ve said before, we’re learning, and this year we have learned a lot about what NOT to do.
Some art projects I have started, and some I have planned.
Some things I want to do to the house.  I’m amazed at how fast our house can get out of order once I’m disabled.  This house is just too big for us.  Especially when Stuart has to do everything alone.  (more on this later.)
Almost everything except staying flat on my back….ugh!
Coming soon: Some of those wonderful posts I’ve been thinking up….Anger – what are you really mad at?…..Finding my Happy Place….

Another Lumbar Puncture in my Future

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, CSF, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

The headaches have gotten worse.  The tinnitus is mind-boggling.

image from Google images, not sure where the original is from.

 

Dr. Gray wants to test my pressure again.  If it’s low I’ll be getting another myelogram to look for new leaks.  If it’s high, I’ll probably be put on medication for a while, it may just be taking my body a while to get used to the higher pressure after patching the leaks.

I’m so tired.  And tired of just lying around.  Staying horizontal is helpful, so that’s what I’ve been doing most of the time.

Keeping a journal.  I can now go in with dated material saying how I felt each day.  This is thanks to the “morning pages” I’ve been writing for the Artist’s Way workshop.  I write about much more, but of course, my health is in the forefront of my thoughts right now, so I’m writing a lot about that.  Now I’m just going to go through my journal, and make a condensed diary of my symptoms.  I should have been doing this all along, but I hate it.  I don’t like to think about my symptoms on a daily basis.  They seem worse when I actually sit down and think about it.

I’m still trying to get my Day Zero list completed.  I’ve completed 3 things, and have 10 in progress.  Anyone else out there have a list of goals they are trying to complete?  I’m finding this very motivating.  I bought a Living Social offer for a local Art Class!  And we bought one for Swing Dance Lessons!  Yes the dance lessons will have to wait for a little while, but the offer doesn’t expire for 6 months.  I’m confident we’ll be able to do it before then!  I’ve been looking at the classes that are offered at Happymess (the place the offer is for), I’m hoping to learn how to Batik, or perhaps I’ll do a figure drawing class, or even a still life??  So much to do, so little time….just 978 days left, and 98 more things to complete.

Artist’s Date Week 3 – let’s play with Photoshop!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, CSF, Disability, Meniere's Disease, PainLeave a comment

I’m not sure how much The Artist’s Way workshop is helping my creativity.  I find that most of the time in my “morning pages”, I write about being chronically ill.  Perhaps that is what is causing my creative block, what is standing in my way?

However, I do like the fact that I have to take at least 1 hour each week as an artist’s date.  I haven’t been able to do some of the things I wanted to do for these dates, like go to the museum, to on a gallery walk…things like that.  I’ve had to improvise, and that’s a good thing.  It’s teaching me that I can create, something, even when I’m flat on my back.

One of my 101 things to do in 1001 days, is to learn Photoshop.  So today, I created something using Photoshop on my artist’s date.

 

 

The flowers in this are photos I took of flowers in my garden.  Now I’ve learned to cut out subjects from photos and paste it in another image, and I played around with the filters, and text.  I’m learning!  And I had fun!I’m feeling much better about things.  Don’t know why…just kicked myself in the butt, and said enough!

Still having the disabling headaches, and I had no idea that tinnitus could be this loud!!  I think I will go insane if I have to hear this all the time.   Oh, wait!  What’s that you say?  Too late.  Yeah, I know.   Did I mention that the sounds in my head are not voices?  Well, not lately anyway.  Ha!

Yes, I’m in a strange mood.  You have industrial machinery running inside your head for days and see if you don’t get a bit punchy!  Today for about 2-3 hours I had the machines in my left ear, and a high-pitched squeal in my right…What the???  (I’m trying to stop swearing.  Probably not the right time for that, but I’m giving it the old college try.)  What does that mean anyway?  “The old college try”?  Hum.

Well, I sat up for about 30-45 minutes to eat dinner, and now I’m getting a headache.  Sounds like I still have low pressure.  ??? Maybe???  Oh, who the….oh wait, I’m not swearing….um….who in the world knows?  (better?)

happy thoughts!

 

Another Possible Chronic Condition – SVT

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Health, Medical Tests11 Comments

I saw my neurologist yesterday as a follow up for my migraines.  Since I’m having another lumbar puncture next week, she decided to wait on adjusting my medication.

She asked me if I’ve fainted recently, and I told her about my near fainting episodes last week.  Sometimes I’ll have a rapid heart beat for no reason.  You may recall my post about Halloween night last year, “Guess What I did Last Night”.  (It about a trip I took to the ER because of my rapid heart rate.)  Last week I had two of those episodes, however, with these I nearly passed out both times.  That hasn’t happened before, and I don’t normally have them so close together.  One time I was lying in bed reading when it started, when I was at the ER they told me to put cold water on my wrist and/neck when this happened and it should help.  So I got Stuart to get me a wet wash cloth, but it wasn’t very cold, so I got up to run water on my wrist in the bathroom…and the world started to go dark.  I could feel me passing out and just laid down on the floor real fast.  Soon it past.  When I got back up and in the bed my heart beat had slowed down.  A couple of days later I was taking a bath, and it happened again.  I tried running water on my wrist and started feeling like I was going to pass out.  I ran cold water on my head, and it helped.  But now I realize just how dumb it was to stay in the bath when I was feeling faint.  Yeah, not bright, I know.

After hearing about these incidents, my doctor thinks I may have Supraventricular Taachycardia (SVT).  But it’s hard to definitely diagnose this because once get to the hospital the episode has often passed.  Next time it happens, I’m supposed to make sure and get a heartbeat count.  Stuart tried this last time, but he lost count because it was going so fast.  He thinks it was between 140 and 160 beets per minute.  I’ve tried counting it before and got about 200 beats per minute.

This is often not a serious condition and doesn’t need any treatment.  However, my doctor is concerned because of the faint feelings I’ve been having.  That could be dangerous, or signal that this is something a little more serious.

Right now, I just have to wait for another episode, and take good notes.

She also saw Stuart today because of his episode.  He will be going in for a EEG to check out his brain waves.  She wants to rule out a seizure.  That could make it hard for us to foster/adopt.  But I’m much more concerned about his health and safety.  She admitted that she sees many people who have strange episodes happen just once, and they can’t figure out what happened, and it never happens again.  She just wants to rule out some things.  She also mentioned that he could be having a certain type of migraine.  It would cover the symptoms he had, and you don’t have to have a bad headache to have a migraine.  We’ll be keeping an eye on him for a while too.  The EEG isn’t planned until late this month.

Birthday musings, and getting creative

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life, Uncategorized11 Comments

How many of us start to look at our lives and come up lacking in some way, especially around our birthday, or the beginning of the year.  We make goals, or resolutions….sometimes we actually keep them.

This year is no exception for me.  I knew I was getting close to my birthday because I started looking in the mirror with a more critical eye…humm, not as young as I used to be.  Heck, I don’t even think I look as young as I did last year at this time.  Gained a few pounds, more gray hair, a few more wrinkles, and these little dark patches on my face…could they be *gasp* age spots?  {shudder}  Yes, my illnesses over the past couple of years have worn me out.

a look in the mirror

I’m already trying to lose weight, 6 pounds so far!  Now if I can just keep it up.  I’m also trying to get some more exercise, that hasn’t been going as well as I’d like, I get dizzy every time I exercise.  Hopefully, that won’t be the case much longer!

I thought about coloring my hair, but do I really want to put those chemicals on my hair.  I finally got to the point where I think all of my hair is naturally my color.  Yes, some of it is gray…but it’s me.  I’ve always liked my cool gray streak on the left side, right in the front, but now it’s on the right side too.  I don’t think I’m looking cool any more, just old.  I’m thinking of putting a natural rinse on it to make it a little shinier, a little browner, and possibly make the gray look more like highlights.  It should just wash out.  If I decide to go this route, I promise I’ll post pictures.

For the wrinkles and dark spots (I will NOT call them AGE SPOTS!), I’ll use a bit more moisturizer, and perhaps some lemon juice and hydrogen peroxide applied to the spots will help lighten them.  We’ll see.  The hubby pointed out that there was a Groupon for a Chemical Peel.  Ewww.  I told him I was not vain enough to hurt for it!  (I don’t really think he understands what a chemical peel is.)  I can’t tell you why, but I got so tickled when I told him I wasn’t vain enough to hurt for it, I mean I just laughed and laughed.  Stuart thinks it’s very amusing how I crack myself up sometimes.

I’m thinking I will go out and buy me a new outfit.  Something that fits better, that makes me look more put together.  In other words, not the over sized T-shirts and shorts I’ve been wearing.

The Artist's Way by Julie Cameron photo courtesy of http://www.theartistsway.com

I’ve also decided on joining a group on another blog Ton-Fifty-ONE is going to be having a workshop covering the book The Artist’s Way, by Julie Cameron.  The workshop is 12 weeks long, and will start on July 4th.  Just 2 days after my birthday, how fitting.  I’ve owned this book for years, and I’ve tried to go through the process more than once, but I guess I’m either not good at following through something like this without a little push, or perhaps it was made me confront too many issues?  I don’t know, but I’m willing to try it again, and I’m sure that with the push that a group will give me, I can do it this time.  Just 12 weeks…3 months…to “discovering and recovering my creative self”.  If anyone wants to join me on this journey please come along.  I know I can use all the motivation I can get!

My creativity got bogged down by my chronic illnesses.  My biggest goal this year is to use my creativity to help me with my illnesses.  Help express myself…  The words are failing me, I can’t seem to get out what I want to say.  I guess I’m trying to say, I believe in art therapy….and so much more.

Another Lumbar Puncture..Myelogram…CSF Patches??

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, CSF, Meniere's Disease, Pain4 Comments

Dr. Kaylie and Dr. Gray agree I should have another lumbar puncture, and if my pressure is low, I will have another myelogram and patches the same day.  Next, Thursday we’ll find out my symptoms either have nothing to do with Cerebrospinal Fluid, or I’ll be getting more patches.  Can you guess which answer I’m hoping for?

At first I was very concerned, why would I be getting new leaks?  What would this mean for the future?  Will I have to do this over and over and over again?

Then Stuart said something that made so much sense, I thought, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

photo courtesy of http://www.superstock.co.uk

Imagine you have a water hose, and it has a few leaks in it.  You patch all of the leaks but one, at first that one leak doesn’t seem to get any bigger, but after the pressure builds in the hose the leak gets bigger.  Or there may be other weak places in the hose, and since the other leaks have been patched and aren’t there to release the pressure, they start to leak.

Doesn’t that sound obvious?  He’s so smart!  And made me feel much better.  Surely, there will be a finite number of weak spots, and this will happen a finite number of times!

I’m a little nervous about going through this again.  No, the procedure really isn’t that big of a deal.  The worst part is getting the IV before the procedure.  As the phlebotomists say, “I’m a difficult stick.”  I have very small veins that like to roll away from the needle.  To make it worse, they keep it cold in there, and that just makes my veins shrink up.  It usually take them a number of tries before they can get the IV in.

Kind of ironic huh?  I’m going in for a Lumbar Puncture, possible myelogram, and CSF patches; and I’m more concerned about getting the IV than anything else.  Guess I trust my doctor, more than the phlebotomist.  hummm.