Tag: chronic illness

A New Year….what will it bring?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness9 Comments

“Change is inevitable, growth is intentional.”    -Viktor Frankl

In the beginning of 2013 I was so sick I didn’t even write a New Year’s post.  I was so depressed, and so very, very ill.  (yes, I know this one is a few days late, but it’s still the beginning of the year, right)

So what will the 2014 bring?  I’m not sure, but I know it will be a change.

Nothing is ever permanent.  I may feel I’m always sick and feel horrible, but if I look at every day, every moment, that isn’t true.  It’s not a constant.  Life is not constant.  I want to remember this, and work at being mindful about each moment.

I don’t want to make resolutions, because, let’s face it, very few resolutions are actually carried through.  But there are a few things I want to strive for….if I don’t get there, it’s OK.  Things change.

  • As I’ve already said, I want to be more mindful about each moment.  If I’m doing something I want to really pay attention to what I’m doing.  I do not want to multi-task.  I want to be present in the moment, each moment.
  • I’m trying to eat much less meat.  I know this is going to be a challenge because of my food limitations, but I feel the need to do this.  One day recently I realized if I had to kill the animals we were eating I wouldn’t eat them.  I’ve felt this way for a long time, but I didn’t really take it to heart.  But now, I simply feel I need to do this…so I’m going to try.  I’m taking it slow, and I’m not going to go crazy if I happen to have a bit of meat…just one moment at a time.  (I am still eating eggs…trying to only get pasture raised, and I’m eating some dairy…trying to only eat dairy from a local farm where I know how the cows are treated.)
  • I want to meditate more…I’d like to do this much more regularly than I have been.  I have found that this really helps me when I’m having a vertigo or asthma attack.  I can calm myself and that makes things much easier to get through.  However, I’ve found it is hard for me to meditate for long times, at least for now…so I will start off slowly (if I strive for a couple of minutes, then I’m sure I can succeed)  and work my way up..
  • I want to become happier with my appearance as I am now.  I’ve been so obsessed about losing weight, it has caused me to have very negative feeling about myself.  Yes, I haven’t been able to lose weight because of mitigating circumstances (like not being able to exercise, and taking meds that cause weight gain), but I blamed myself.  I feel if I feel better about myself the size I am I will have accomplished a lot!  I also feel that until I feel more self-confidence about my appearance, it will make it harder for me to lose weight.  That may sound counter intuitive, but when I’m unhappy with my body I get discouraged, and think why bother.  Discouragement, breads self-deprecation for me.
  • I’d like to blog more.  This past year was very hard, I can think of a few reasons it was harder than normal, and hopefully these things will be changing soon. (for example…Stuart getting a job, me getting the asthma under control….)  I don’t like to always sound like someone who is just full of heartache when I blog, so I didn’t blog as much.  I have found that I need to share more with others, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Someone out there may be feeling the same way.
  • And I’d like to challenge myself more.  I know I will have to do this when Stuart goes to work out of the home, but I think it will be good for me.  Sometimes, I feel I rely on him too much.  It’s much easier to ask him for help with something than to risk doing it myself.  My mantra on this must be….”slow, take it slow.”

There are many more things I could add to this, but as I said, this isn’t a list of resolutions, just some plans that may change as the moment changes.

note: for some reason WordPress would not let me insert a picture in this post…sorry for just words, words and more words.

Thank You Santa!!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Headaches10 Comments
Miracle on 34th Street drawing. at deviantArt.com
Miracle on 34th Street drawing. at deviantArt.com

I got the best gift on Christmas morning.  It wasn’t under the tree (that would be pretty hard since we didn’t have one…but it wouldn’t have fit anyway).  It wasn’t wrapped.  I couldn’t touch it.  But it was the BEST present I have ever received!!

When I woke up Christmas day I didn’t have a headache!!!  Not at all!!!  I can’t recall waking up without a headache since I was 11 years old.  I have chronic daily headaches.  I always have a headache that ranks about a 2-3, then it’s much more if it’s a pressure headache or migraine.  Normally, I wake up with about a 6 or more because of the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension.  Lying down all night, even with my bed on an incline, the pressure just builds.  There have been many days I’ve said, “Oh how I wish I could just wake up without a headache, just one day.”

Merry Christmas to me, I got my wish!!!   I woke up with NO headache.  Most of the day was headache free.  It did return that evening, but those hours headache free were magical!  Waking up headache free was simply miraculous!

I do believe in the magic of Christmas!

Thank you Santa!  I hope you can get around to giving out a few of the things I asked for on my Christmas List.

I feel like a little girl.

A little update….

On By WendyIn Asthma, Chronic Illness12 Comments

I wanted to let you all know I’m OK, I know I haven’t been around for a while.

I have had some challenges – emotional, physical, and mental.

Wendy - photo manipulated by W. Holcombe
Wendy – photo manipulated by W. Holcombe

First, the trip to Las Vegas, was postponed and we have no idea if it will be rescheduled. This doesn’t give me a good feeling about the company, and that’s sad, because I think Stuart would have liked that job, and we could have saved a lot of money living there. But hubby has had other interviews since then, and it looks like he will have multiple offers…I’m just not sure if he will be happy at these jobs, but right now we don’t have the luxury of him being able to be that picky, and that worries me. We also won’t be able to save as much money as we would have at the job in Las Vegas. (about the same salaries, but in places where the cost of living is higher)

The week of Thanksgiving my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. He has been sent to many

My Father (he's a bit thinner now)
My Father (he’s a bit thinner now)

doctors for many tests, and still he must have more test to determine if the cancer has spread. If it hasn’t the cancer may be operable. It appears to be contained at the moment. I feel guilty I can’t help, and I feel guilty that I would be afraid to help if I was able. I took care of my mother when she had cancer, it was the most difficult thing I’ve done, and the most rewarding. But my mother and I were very close, my father and I have always had a strained relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, we simply have different outlooks on things, and I don’t see him being the easiest person to care for. I feel like that makes me such a bad person. However, I also know, if I was able, I would swallow my fears and help in any way I could. Right now I am hoping he is not in pain, and will not have to go through the horrors of advanced cancer. His birthday is tomorrow, he will be 81. I don’t think he looks it. My father has a full head of the most beautiful white hair. Well enough about that for now. I’ll know more soon.

My asthma has been acting up horribly. I start coughing and wheezing with just the tiniest bit of exertion, and just forget about laughing, that will send me into an asthma attack faster than anything. I almost had to have an emergency visit because of it, but a double treatment with the nebulizer calmed things down. I was doing better for a while, but it’s sad to think that I have coughed every day for over a year. I have also been having sinus drainage, this has not helped the cough, and sore throat (from coughing), but I can tell the difference in the cough. The production is different…let’s just leave it at that. My whole body hurts from coughing.

I haven’t been able to make it to the audiologist to have my CI adjusted, so people are still sounding a bit like they have huffed helium. I’m getting awful sound headaches after wearing my CI’s for just a short amount of time if there is more than one noise in the room. (like the TV and Stuart talking). But I’m pleased to say, I’m still hearing more music than I have in years!!

I’m having some pretty bad headaches/migraines lately. I’m not sure the Botox really helped much this go around, and that makes me pretty darn sad. However, I think a lot of it is my Intracranial Hypertension. I wake up with a horrendous headache almost every morning. Another major trigger, is a deviation in sleep pattern, and I can tell you, my sleep pattern simply doesn’t exist! I am not sleeping well. Some days it’s because I cough all night. Some days I don’t know what it is. The other night I felt like things were biting me….like little no-see-ums. I drove me crazy. So sleep is erratic, and that’s a major trigger for my migraines and vertigo. Yes, that’s acting up too. I keep feeling like I’m on a boat, not a great feeling.

I’ve noticed I have pretty severe social anxiety. I do not want to go anywhere. I don’t want to be around people, especially people I knew before all this started and I haven’t seen much of them (if I’ve seen them at all) since then. I don’t want people to see that I’ve gained so much weight. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m lost because I can’t hear. I’m terrified to have an attack in front of people. I feel I have so many phobias now I live in fear. The only places I’ve been since we have returned from Tucson is to the doctors, and to a couple of restaurants (this took a lot of courage for me, and we had to go on off times so the restaurant would not be crowded). Every time we go out, even to the doctor’s offices, I get so worked up I have to come home and rest. (all my spoons are gone!)
I don’t feel like anyone understands me. I wish I had some local friends with chronic illnesses that felt well enough to visit. I think part of this started because I can no longer drive, so I can’t go anywhere by myself, this puts me in the mind set that I shouldn’t be out. Or maybe I’m just trying to justify the phobias a bit more. It’s not good to be isolated, I know, but I’m really scared, and often I get so sick before going out that I simply can’t go. You can’t imagine how many doctor appointments I’ve had to reschedule.

On the other hand, there are days I think I can do things I used to do, so I try…and usually fail miserably. This doesn’t help my self confidence about going out.

I think the title of this blog post is wrong. This turned out to be much more than a little update, and I’m cutting it short!

I’ll be back soon. I have much to share. Plus photos of my new CI’s.

Dear Santa,

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments
I write you a letter_____by_mechtaniya deviantart.com
I write you a letter, by mechtaniya at deviantArt.com

Dearest Santa please check your list,
I’ve tried to be, extra nice.

I could ask for a lot,
but am so grateful for what I have.

I’m writing my letter to ask for special things….
Dear Santa please hear my plea,
because what I want is not for me.

So many people,
Need you so much more.

There are those who are ill,
Who can’t pay their bills.

A friend needs a kidney,
How can I think about me?

My father has cancer,
please give him what you can.

I have friends with no income
and some losing their homes.

Please think of the children,
who live in a country that’s torn.

I ask of you this year to give some relief
so many are hurting and feeling much grief.

Please help those who need so much.
A Christmas Miracle filled for one and all,
filled with health, healing, peace, and love.
May we all find more balance in our lives.

Thank you Santa for all that you do,
I know I’m asking for much,
could you please help one or two?

With love to you and all of your helpers.

I’ll always believe,

Wendy

Santa Claus reading letter, by cannella_cannella deviantArt.com
Santa Claus reading letter, by cannella_cannella
deviantArt.com

What’s up and on my mind…a Free Write…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness16 Comments

Please note…I’m just going to write and not pay too much attention to grammar or spelling or anything like that, I’m not going to re-read because I don’t want to filter what comes out.  This is an experiment, something I sometimes do in my journal….let’s see what comes to the surface….

Acceptance is not the same as giving up, but if I’m not careful it can slip into that.  I’ve accepted my illnesses, especially Meniere’s with hearing loss, for a long while now, and I’m really ok with it.  I realize things aren’t going to get much better, and my not get any better….now is that giving up?  not saying I’m OK with it, but saying it won’t get better?  When my husband was worried because I had been feeling worse for a while he wanted me to think about going to the doctor and he said, “I just want you to get better.”  I got so mad and upset.  What?  Get better?  What delusional state are you living in?  Do you really think I’m going to get better???  I felt like he didn’t understand….then I realized…after a long discussion that he meant he wanted me to feel better than I had been for the past month, he felt something new was wrong and wanted me to check it out.  Then I thought….could I get better?  Have I given up?  and decided, yes, to a certain extent I had given up.  I was so determined to accept my life as it was, I had given up that it could be better.  Maybe the hearing can’t get better….well, the doctor has told me that much.  And possible the vertigo will never get better….but who knows for sure, I accepted my fate.  I’ve also accepted living in pain.  Hip pain, pelvic pain, Vaginismus, neck pain, arthritis pain….and my other illnesses….I accepted my fate, I’d live with these forever, but really, do I have to?  Yes, I’ve put these issues on the back burner because the Meniere’s, Hearing loss, and Migraines have taken over my life, but as I’ve found that my Migraines can get  better, I can hear better (thanks to the computers in my head) maybe not the same or as well as i once heard, but I can hear….why should I not believe some of my other issues can be helped.  No, I’d given up.  I’d given up on having a normal sex life, given up on being able to walk for any distance without being in horrible pain, given up on so much….  I feel better that I’ve accepted the things I cannot change, but I’m ticked off at myself for giving up on the things I could.  This has changed!!  I’m not giving up on getting better…the things that can get better….I’m not giving up on me.

I had a realization the other night.  I’ve been having full blown panic attacks lately…yes, feeling like I can’t breathe, my chest tightening….everything.  I realize most of these have been triggered by the loss of income in the family, then me being denied my disability claim, and I’m still mourning the loss of Sandy.  (yes, it’s been over a year and an half)  Losing a friend who was so close to me for 19 years has taken it’s toll on me.  I can honestly say I have not grieved for anyone more than Sandy except for my mother.  Maybe it’s because of everything else that has happened in the past couple of years, everything just building up on it…but I don’t think so…my Sandy girl was just so special.

I HEARD MUSIC!!  Yes, that’s right!  I actually heard music for the first time in at least 3 years!  Stuart was out of town for a job interview, and I was watching a movie, they started playing Credence Clearwater Revival’s Have You Ever Seen The Rain?  And I actually heard it!  I understood the words, I heard the music!!!  This new CI likes music.  I still can’t understand many spoken words on TV, but I heard music!  I didn’t realize I missed it so much.

Well, I think that’s all for now.  I’ve been having a hard time keeping my CSF pressure stable, and today is a bad day.  My doctor raised my dosage, and I need to take my meds.  I also have to see a neuro-opthomologist.  (Yes another thing I had accepted, and felt like it wouldn’t get better, I know it won’t go away, but hopefully, it will get better)

My asthma symptoms were much better but not great, my doctor added another medication, and now I’m much worse.  Bah!  Hoping this will get better.

Oh, Stuart’s interview in Las Vegas went well.  We are going to go look around soon and then he will make a decision.  Lot’s to do…well, not as much as I thought, they said they will pay for the move.  : )  But selling the house when we aren’t here, that is a scary thing….at least to me.

Keep meaning to take pictures of my new Cochlear Implants…I want to take a photo of the new beside the old, so you can see the difference.  It’s amazing how much it changed in just one year….but I don’t think it will change that drastically again for a while.

More soon….thanks for putting up with my babbling.  AT least this has some coherent thoughts some of my journal free writing doesn’t.

DENIED!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Disability6 Comments

 

Disability Knocks
Disability Knocks

Yes, I know MOST people are denied disability the first time they apply, but this is the first time I’ve heard this crazy reason!

I was found to be DISABLED….Yes!

But was Denied because I waited so long to file.  What?So what is too long?  I had to be disabled before 2010.   Again, What?  My disability date was November of 2009!  So what are they reading?  And how can you screw up that bad?

So the appeal has been started.  We do have a lawyer who is taking the case, and she is kind of scratching her head asking….What?? too.  This time I will have witnesses as to when my vertigo actually started interfering with my work.  The disability date I used before was the date I had the vestibular testing, since that’s a requirement for Meniere’s to be considered a disability.  However, in 2002 or 2003…I’ll have to look it up…I started having severe vertigo, was sent to the emergency room.  I was managing a Custom Frame Shop at the time, can we say Dangerous?  I was found on the floor in the frame shop in full spin, another time I made it to the bathroom and was in there for close to 3 hours throwing up.  Fellow employees from a different part of the store had to take me home more than once.  We had to close the frame shop many times.  I had to quit because of my health.

There are more stories like this…soooo, they denied my disability claim that started in late 2009, now they may find out I was disabled before that, and they have to pay from the date of disability.  Think it would have been better if they had just approved it the first time.

Even if I had not worked within the given time, it’s not fair to be denied.  I was lucky, my husband made enough money that I didn’t need disability, but times have changed.  I need this now.  I should have filed earlier, but I didn’t.  Now, I’m being punished for not taking money from the government when I didn’t need it.

So as I said before….What???

Learning how to hear….again.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Cochlear Implant, Meniere's Disease4 Comments

I know, I got my processors on Halloween, and I’m just now writing.  What took me so long???  I wanted a picture.  But I still don’t have one.  Sorry.  I promise I will soon.

Here’s a link to a page all about my new processors if you are interested. http://www.advancedbionics.com/com/en/naida_ci_q70.html

Here's a photo from the Advanced Bionics site. My Naida processor is orange, not white.
Here’s a photo from the Advanced Bionics site. My Naida processor is orange, not white.

So far I’m pleased with these, but I have a long way to go with the right ear.  Presently everything sounds a bit high-pitched, or underwater.  When she first turned it on people sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher, but I could understand some of the words.  I also find that most people sound like they have a very southern accent.  People whom I know do not have one, people who may not have ever been in the south!

I haven’t really started auditory therapy yet, mostly I’ve just been wearing the new processor every day, trying to get used to how it works, and simply hearing something on the right side. I’ve  been VERY tired lately.  I know it’s to be expected with the new CI, but exhaustion is a bit much.  I’m also having headaches, my headaches have been reduced so much since I’ve been getting the Botox shots for migraines, it’s difficult when I have one every day to the extreme I’ve been having.

photo from medicinenet.com balance disorders slide show.
photo from medicinenet.com balance disorders slide show.

The vertigo has been pretty predictable lately, every evening I normally have at least a small attack, and often more than one different times in the day.  I’m handling the vertigo well, but it’s so dang annoying, and frankly it’s starting to get a bit boring.  When it’s going on all I can do is focus on one spot, often with one eye closed, and tell myself it’s not real, all while keeping my breathing deep and steady….after a while it gets boring.  Never thought I’d say that about a vertigo attack, but the attacks I’ve been having recently are not the horrible fast spinning kind that last for hours.  Sometimes I do wonder if they would be if I didn’t get the meds in me fast and start this meditation type routine that I’ve come up with.  One day last week I had very fast vertigo I couldn’t focus at all, still I calmed myself down.  It has helped so much to tell myself, “This is not real. You are not moving, This is not real.”  But everyone has different ways to cope, and some may not be able to do this.  I know I would not have been able to just a year or so ago.

I realized something the other day….I gave up.  My husband was talking to me about things that have been going on with me lately and how we needed to talk to the doctor about it and how he wanted me to feel better.  He qualified that he knows it will never go away, but it used to be better.  I shut down.  I actually bothered me to hear he wanted me better.  Then I realized it was because I didn’t believe I would get better.  Ever.  I’ve gotten tired of asking doctors about things and hearing, “I wish there was more we could do”.  I didn’t want to hear that again, so I gave up.  This sounds odd after hearing how I handle my vertigo so much better, but I don’t believe the vertigo will get better.  I used to.

Now I’m in this realization mode, and fighting with myself.  I know I can’t give up!  I have a life.  I do want to get better.  Some of my illnesses may not get better, but I know some things can.  I KNOW this. But with the loss of income, and everything else, I have put myself last….and feel guilty every time we have to spend money on me….so I gave up.  I didn’t want my illnesses to sap all of our funds and energy.  It could get better, but it may not, and I got to the point where I just didn’t want to have my hopes shattered again, especially if it was going to take more of money, simply to be told it won’t get better.  As I write this and think more and more about it, perhaps I never gave up, perhaps I felt I needed to put me on hold.  The situation we are in right now is very stressful and taking much out of both of us.  I do not feel comfortable concentrating on me, I need to concentrate on us.  (this does not mean I’m being negligent about my health, if there is something I really need to see the doctor for, I will go.)

A realtor just left the house.  Yes, it’s time to sell.  I’m afraid we’re going to lose money on the house.  The market has come back a lot in this area, but some houses in our neighborhood sold for so little, it is going to cause our selling price to be greatly reduced.  No matter where Stuart gets a job we want to downsize, hopefully, we won’t have to wonder about our future much longer.  Another phone interview for my hubby in the morning…for a job in Las Vegas.  I cannot imagine living in Las Vegas. I wonder if they have decent doctors.  : )

I realize now that I’m rambling.  Yes, I do that when I’m nervous.  I’m still grateful for so much….our life may hold many questions right now, but it’s a mystery…soon to be an adventure, and I’m sure we’ll be happy with how things turn out.  We’ll be together, and that’s all that counts.

Cochlear Implant #2…a short update

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Cochlear Implant15 Comments

I haven’t been on the computer much since my surgery.  I simply do not feel well shortly after I get on, I get all hot and dizzy…so no computer for me.  (please note, I didn’t read this after I wrote it, I am just too tired, please forgive any strangeness, grammatical errors, or anything that is just wrong.)

However, I did want to update all as to my recovery.

Incision the Day after surgery,
Day after surgery,  Sorry it’s not cleaned up more, but I hubby just took this picture to show me, and then we forgot to take another one.

Had the Cochlear Implant surgery on the 25th.  The incision looks great.  It still hurts a bit, not terribly bad, but annoying (mostly it’s just itching now!).  The tinnitus has been going Crazy!!  As I mentioned in an earlier post prescription pain relievers have been making me itch, so I’ve had to try different things.

I tried Arnica Montana (most just call it Arnica) in the oral form.  I’ve used the topical gel many times with much success, but I’ve never tried the tablets.  Before surgery we checked to make sure it wouldn’t be adverse to my medications, but didn’t see where it said not to take it if you are allergic to ragweed.  (guess what my number one allergen is?  Ragweed!) So I took it for a day and my muscles seized up.  I couldn’t even sit up without help.  So no more Arnica for me.  It took about 2 days for me to not hurt all over.  Kind of ironic, I used it to help with the pain and ended up in more pain.  But, hey, it took my mind off of my ear!

I am able to take an NSAID by injection.  I can’t take them orally because they have caused me a lot of stomach troubles.  So I have Toradol injections.  Unfortunately, I can only have 2 a week.  But they do help, a lot!  I use this for my most intense migraines too.  We decided to try 1/2 a shot to see if it helped, and it did!  Yay!  So I was able to have more shots just at a lower dose.  This helped a lot, especially when I couldn’t sleep.  But really, over all, I haven’t been in much pain, just uncomfortable with my glasses.

The vertigo started about 3 days ago.  I don’t know what’s going on really, I’m sure it has to do with the fluid from swelling and it going down…or something.  It’s not the normal Meniere’s vertigo.  It’s often positional, so if I lie very still I don’t spin.  I’ve also been having this strange sensation as if I’m having vertigo, but I’m visually spinning.  I feel my body/head moving, but I’m not moving, nor do I see anything moving.  It makes me just as sick as vertigo does.  Strange huh?  I’m still so grateful I was able to get Phenergan injections that hubby can give me.  I think it has saved me many times.

I was supposed to be activated and get my processors on the 8th, but the vertigo would not let me.  I thought I probably could have made it through the doctor’s visit, he is just checking the incision site, but going through the audiologist appointment would have had me on the floor!  That is a LONG visit.  Not only does she actually turn things on, she has to adjust things as I tell her how the beeps sound.(called MAPping for those with CI’s, or those who are just interested).  Then I have to have a hearing test, not just a regular hearing test, but a very long and detailed test.  I get so tired and worn out every time we do this I often have an attack that evening, so going there with me already feeling wonky in the head, would not have been wise.

Unfortunately, that means that I may have to wait until the first week of November.  We/They are trying to work it out so I can get in sooner, but the way I’ve been feeling I wouldn’t say it will be too soon anyway.  The office is looking to set up the appointment with my doctor on one day and then the audiologist on a different day instead of trying to do both in one day.  This should be easier to schedule.  Plus, it should also be easier on me.  At Duke they normally try to schedule as much on the same day as possible because so many people come from far away to be seen.  We often have to remind them we just live about 10 minutes from there.

So that’s my news for now.  I’m tired a lot, sleeping a lot…..guess I’m healing.  (oh who am I kidding, I was sleeping a lot before the surgery!)  Catching up on some reading, and watching TV.  The new season of Rupaul’s Drag Race just started!  (actually, they are showing season 1 again, it’s a hoot!)  If you asked me last year if I watched any reality shows I would have said no, but I love Rupaul’s show! after all……

“If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love anyone else?…..can I get an Amen?” – Rupaul signs off each show with this quote!

Round and Round I go…where or when I’ll stop nobody knows…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Cochlear Implant, Meniere's Disease6 Comments

I feel like I haven’t been here in ages, and I probably haven’t.

I have to make this short, but wanted to give a little explanation as to why I’ve disappeared…when I have so much to say!  And give a tiny update.

On a Carousel at the NC State Fair
On a Carousel at the NC State Fair – I’m on the left, Jenn in on the right, and Stuart is in the mirror.  As you can tell, this photo was taken before I started having Meniere’s symptoms so often.  Taken Fall of 2005….I think.

I’m having a LOT of VERTIGO!  Luckily it’s not the severe- losing control of all bodily functions for hours -kind of vertigo.  It is much slower, and less horrific.  But it’s happening almost every day, often more than once a day.  I’m getting to the point where I’m terrified my worst fear may be realized…..at some point it won’t stop.

I am so happy I am handling it so much better than I used to.  I used to freak out even if it was a mini attack.  These attacks are more than a mini (one that happens for just a few minutes), but not a full blown severe attack.  Hard to explain, but I have a routine now that really helps.  When it starts, I take my meds, I get ice and put it on my chest or wrap it around so it hits my back and chest (I always get very hot and if I can cool down fast it helps).  {I keep these things close when I’m alone, when Stuart is home he helps, but I am always prepared.}Then I put something close I can focus on, usually a cup.  I hold it with my hand…and close one eye, that seems to help a lot….I tell myself….actually I think it is important to say this out loud if you can.., “This is not real, you know your hand is not really moving, so nothing is moving, This is not real…this is not real….”  I also try to control my breathing.  Normally, I start breathing short and fast, now I try to take deeper breaths and tell myself to calm…remember, it’s not real!  At times I chant, Stuart will chant with me…it’s very soothing, even when my body is telling me that nothing is as it should be.  I’m also very lucky that I now have Phenergan shots at home.  My otologist (for those who may not know, an ENT is an otolaryngologist – study of Ears, Nose, and Throat….my doctor just specializes in Ears…the oto- part.) couldn’t give me a prescription for injections, but my Migraine doctor can because she is a pain specialist.  The Phenergan shots help stop the vomiting, and that’s more than all right with me!!!  (I do need them when I have migraines too)  I do still get nauseous but I’m pretty sure that’s mostly because the acid in my tummy gets all churned up due to the stress.

OK…so that’s why I haven’t been around.

Now….why I might not be around…but I might….

My Cochlear Implant surgery for the right ear is next Wednesday, the 25th!  I’m not sure how recovery will go, we know that I can have the same surgery many times and each recovery is different.  I’m really hoping that this one is easy because I’ve developed an intolerance to narcotics.  So, no pain pills for me to come home with.  My husband has a call in to my migraine doc to see if there is any options.  I do have some meds from her for migraines but I don’t want to use those without her telling me exactly what to use and how often.

Depending on my recovery, I may be on here a lot, or I might not be able to be on here much at all.  Hopefully, I can post again before then.

My senior quote in high school: “By the time you figure out what makes the world go around, you’re too dizzy to care”   hmmmmm, prophetic?

Things on my mind….

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Cochlear Implant4 Comments
Got Ewe On My Mind by LoopyDave on DeviantArt.com

Please note, this post is just random thoughts I’m having and want to get out of my head for a bit.

I’ve had a lot of time to think recently.  I haven’t been able to type a lot because I hurt my shoulder.  I fell, again.  This time I was going to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I was not balancing very well, but that’s normal.  I started to fall right at the toilet and fell into the wall.  My shoulder took most of the weight.  So I’ve tried to just do less with it, but it got worse.  So I had to do much, much less.  Now it seems to be getting better.

So if I haven’t been commenting on your blogs, it doesn’t mean I haven’t been reading, I just haven’t been typing much.  I read them in my email on my phone, it’s hard to comment on my phone, and that would hurt my arm just as much, I think.  So in the wee hours of the morning when I’m up coughing, I’m probably reading your blog, and thinking of You.

Stuart has started school.  I’m proud of him.  I’m also scared and stressed out.  I don’t want to live poor again.  Not that we are rich by any means, but I used to live paycheck to paycheck and often ran out of money.  I remember many times living on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for weeks to get by, I’d also accept dates from guys I knew I didn’t want to date just so I would get a good meal.  Stuart has never wanted for anything really.  So I’m much more stressed about it than he is.  In my heart I know things will work out.  But, in my gut, I’m nervous.

I will be going to Duke’s Asthma, Allergy, and Airway clinic on Friday.  Please everyone think about me and send good thoughts that they will be able to stop this dang cough.  I’ve been coughing every day since mid October…yes that’s last year!

On September 3rd, my hubby and I will be celebrating our 9th anniversary.  We can’t really do anything but we’ll be celebrating that we’ve been through so much in our 9 years of marriage and are still madly in love.

The second week of September I go in for Pre-Op for my second cochlear implant surgery.

The surgery is on September 25th.  I don’t know why, but I’m more nervous this time than I was the last time.  Before I was more excited, now, I’m a bit scared.  I shouldn’t have, but I expected a lot from the first CI, so this time I’m not expecting anything.  Which is silly, that’s what I have now.  No hearing in that ear.  Things have to be better when I can hear out of two ears.

Well, I have much more on my mind but I don’t have the energy to write more right now.  And you are probably tired of reading my tirade.

What’s on your mind today?