Please note…I’m just going to write and not pay too much attention to grammar or spelling or anything like that, I’m not going to re-read because I don’t want to filter what comes out. This is an experiment, something I sometimes do in my journal….let’s see what comes to the surface….
Acceptance is not the same as giving up, but if I’m not careful it can slip into that. I’ve accepted my illnesses, especially Meniere’s with hearing loss, for a long while now, and I’m really ok with it. I realize things aren’t going to get much better, and my not get any better….now is that giving up? not saying I’m OK with it, but saying it won’t get better? When my husband was worried because I had been feeling worse for a while he wanted me to think about going to the doctor and he said, “I just want you to get better.” I got so mad and upset. What? Get better? What delusional state are you living in? Do you really think I’m going to get better??? I felt like he didn’t understand….then I realized…after a long discussion that he meant he wanted me to feel better than I had been for the past month, he felt something new was wrong and wanted me to check it out. Then I thought….could I get better? Have I given up? and decided, yes, to a certain extent I had given up. I was so determined to accept my life as it was, I had given up that it could be better. Maybe the hearing can’t get better….well, the doctor has told me that much. And possible the vertigo will never get better….but who knows for sure, I accepted my fate. I’ve also accepted living in pain. Hip pain, pelvic pain, Vaginismus, neck pain, arthritis pain….and my other illnesses….I accepted my fate, I’d live with these forever, but really, do I have to? Yes, I’ve put these issues on the back burner because the Meniere’s, Hearing loss, and Migraines have taken over my life, but as I’ve found that my Migraines can get better, I can hear better (thanks to the computers in my head) maybe not the same or as well as i once heard, but I can hear….why should I not believe some of my other issues can be helped. No, I’d given up. I’d given up on having a normal sex life, given up on being able to walk for any distance without being in horrible pain, given up on so much…. I feel better that I’ve accepted the things I cannot change, but I’m ticked off at myself for giving up on the things I could. This has changed!! I’m not giving up on getting better…the things that can get better….I’m not giving up on me.
I had a realization the other night. I’ve been having full blown panic attacks lately…yes, feeling like I can’t breathe, my chest tightening….everything. I realize most of these have been triggered by the loss of income in the family, then me being denied my disability claim, and I’m still mourning the loss of Sandy. (yes, it’s been over a year and an half) Losing a friend who was so close to me for 19 years has taken it’s toll on me. I can honestly say I have not grieved for anyone more than Sandy except for my mother. Maybe it’s because of everything else that has happened in the past couple of years, everything just building up on it…but I don’t think so…my Sandy girl was just so special.
I HEARD MUSIC!! Yes, that’s right! I actually heard music for the first time in at least 3 years! Stuart was out of town for a job interview, and I was watching a movie, they started playing Credence Clearwater Revival’s Have You Ever Seen The Rain? And I actually heard it! I understood the words, I heard the music!!! This new CI likes music. I still can’t understand many spoken words on TV, but I heard music! I didn’t realize I missed it so much.
Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ve been having a hard time keeping my CSF pressure stable, and today is a bad day. My doctor raised my dosage, and I need to take my meds. I also have to see a neuro-opthomologist. (Yes another thing I had accepted, and felt like it wouldn’t get better, I know it won’t go away, but hopefully, it will get better)
My asthma symptoms were much better but not great, my doctor added another medication, and now I’m much worse. Bah! Hoping this will get better.
Oh, Stuart’s interview in Las Vegas went well. We are going to go look around soon and then he will make a decision. Lot’s to do…well, not as much as I thought, they said they will pay for the move. : ) But selling the house when we aren’t here, that is a scary thing….at least to me.
Keep meaning to take pictures of my new Cochlear Implants…I want to take a photo of the new beside the old, so you can see the difference. It’s amazing how much it changed in just one year….but I don’t think it will change that drastically again for a while.
More soon….thanks for putting up with my babbling. AT least this has some coherent thoughts some of my journal free writing doesn’t.