I wanted to let you all know I’m OK, I know I haven’t been around for a while.
I have had some challenges – emotional, physical, and mental.
First, the trip to Las Vegas, was postponed and we have no idea if it will be rescheduled. This doesn’t give me a good feeling about the company, and that’s sad, because I think Stuart would have liked that job, and we could have saved a lot of money living there. But hubby has had other interviews since then, and it looks like he will have multiple offers…I’m just not sure if he will be happy at these jobs, but right now we don’t have the luxury of him being able to be that picky, and that worries me. We also won’t be able to save as much money as we would have at the job in Las Vegas. (about the same salaries, but in places where the cost of living is higher)
The week of Thanksgiving my father was diagnosed with liver cancer. He has been sent to many
doctors for many tests, and still he must have more test to determine if the cancer has spread. If it hasn’t the cancer may be operable. It appears to be contained at the moment. I feel guilty I can’t help, and I feel guilty that I would be afraid to help if I was able. I took care of my mother when she had cancer, it was the most difficult thing I’ve done, and the most rewarding. But my mother and I were very close, my father and I have always had a strained relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, we simply have different outlooks on things, and I don’t see him being the easiest person to care for. I feel like that makes me such a bad person. However, I also know, if I was able, I would swallow my fears and help in any way I could. Right now I am hoping he is not in pain, and will not have to go through the horrors of advanced cancer. His birthday is tomorrow, he will be 81. I don’t think he looks it. My father has a full head of the most beautiful white hair. Well enough about that for now. I’ll know more soon.
My asthma has been acting up horribly. I start coughing and wheezing with just the tiniest bit of exertion, and just forget about laughing, that will send me into an asthma attack faster than anything. I almost had to have an emergency visit because of it, but a double treatment with the nebulizer calmed things down. I was doing better for a while, but it’s sad to think that I have coughed every day for over a year. I have also been having sinus drainage, this has not helped the cough, and sore throat (from coughing), but I can tell the difference in the cough. The production is different…let’s just leave it at that. My whole body hurts from coughing.
I haven’t been able to make it to the audiologist to have my CI adjusted, so people are still sounding a bit like they have huffed helium. I’m getting awful sound headaches after wearing my CI’s for just a short amount of time if there is more than one noise in the room. (like the TV and Stuart talking). But I’m pleased to say, I’m still hearing more music than I have in years!!
I’m having some pretty bad headaches/migraines lately. I’m not sure the Botox really helped much this go around, and that makes me pretty darn sad. However, I think a lot of it is my Intracranial Hypertension. I wake up with a horrendous headache almost every morning. Another major trigger, is a deviation in sleep pattern, and I can tell you, my sleep pattern simply doesn’t exist! I am not sleeping well. Some days it’s because I cough all night. Some days I don’t know what it is. The other night I felt like things were biting me….like little no-see-ums. I drove me crazy. So sleep is erratic, and that’s a major trigger for my migraines and vertigo. Yes, that’s acting up too. I keep feeling like I’m on a boat, not a great feeling.
I’ve noticed I have pretty severe social anxiety. I do not want to go anywhere. I don’t want to be around people, especially people I knew before all this started and I haven’t seen much of them (if I’ve seen them at all) since then. I don’t want people to see that I’ve gained so much weight. I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m lost because I can’t hear. I’m terrified to have an attack in front of people. I feel I have so many phobias now I live in fear. The only places I’ve been since we have returned from Tucson is to the doctors, and to a couple of restaurants (this took a lot of courage for me, and we had to go on off times so the restaurant would not be crowded). Every time we go out, even to the doctor’s offices, I get so worked up I have to come home and rest. (all my spoons are gone!)
I don’t feel like anyone understands me. I wish I had some local friends with chronic illnesses that felt well enough to visit. I think part of this started because I can no longer drive, so I can’t go anywhere by myself, this puts me in the mind set that I shouldn’t be out. Or maybe I’m just trying to justify the phobias a bit more. It’s not good to be isolated, I know, but I’m really scared, and often I get so sick before going out that I simply can’t go. You can’t imagine how many doctor appointments I’ve had to reschedule.
On the other hand, there are days I think I can do things I used to do, so I try…and usually fail miserably. This doesn’t help my self confidence about going out.
I think the title of this blog post is wrong. This turned out to be much more than a little update, and I’m cutting it short!
I’ll be back soon. I have much to share. Plus photos of my new CI’s.
Picnic with Ants 
HUGS ❤
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Lisa, Hugs and love to you!
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i’ve missed you Wend, but I totally understand. At least Stuart has interviews and opportunities, it’s been pretty dead around here for Dan. Sorry to hear about your father. This isn’t my favorite time period either since my dad died New Year’s Eve. Not in a Ho Ho Ho kind of mood. I’m sorry you feel self-conscious, you look stunning. maybe take it tiny step by tiny step. Do whatever is comfortable for you at the time. I wish we lived closer to one another. Love, Hugs and Support from your friend, Laurie
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Thank you Laurie. It was dead around here for Stuart for a long time. I don’t know why all of a sudden he’s getting so much attention. It stresses him out. He’s so afraid he’ll make the wrong decision. It would be better for him if he only had one offer, no choices. My dear hubby will always be afraid he’s making the wrong choice if given more than one. (sound like a pair don’t we?) Thank you about my father. This year is usually hard on me because New Year’s Day was my mom’s birthday, and it was always special. I hate that we have memories about this time of year (that is supposed to be filled with joy) that makes us a bit more blah. I am trying to be open to the love floating around. I’ll catch it while I can and keep it safe for when I really need a boost. : ) (The photo I used was taken a few years ago, it was just one I had on my computer. I don’t have any of me now….you would be startled to see how much I’ve gained. Well, I haven’t gained any this year, but I can’t seem to take it off either.) Thank you again, I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting, I do try to read things in my email, but sometimes I’m not the most timely. love to you too. wendy
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Thanks for the note, Wendy. I totally understand you. I “get it.” This is a hard time for a lot of people. Especially in “our” world. Everyone is so jolly and ho ho ho. Just trying to make it through the days and nights. One after another. This too shall pass. Love to you and to Judith.
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Wendy,
Given what you have been going through for so long it would be impossible NOT to have social anxiety. I agree with Laurie and you can do only what you can do at any point in time, nothing more, nothing less.
I know you don’t follow any religion but I shall say my favorite Baha’i healing prayer for you. So if you pay attention you probably will be able to tell when I’m reciting it!
with love always,
judy
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Judy, Coming from you it means a lot to be validated that I am not abnormal in feeling social anxiety. I haven’t made it to see my therapist in a few months. (more appts canceled). So thank you so much for your encouragement, and validation.
I’m sure I will feel when you are sending me your prayer. It’s not that I’m not religious, I’m just not affiliated with a certain religion. However, I do study Buddhism and if I was pressed to say, I would say I’m a Theraveda Buddhist. Sending love and light your way. always, wendy
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I don’t drive, so I understand the feeling of isolation that creates. Especially for you as walking isn’t an option. I’ve been socially dyslexic for the last decade, partly because I was ashamed of not doing anything productive like working or creating. And partly because I didn’t feel I had anything new to say — always the same — so I can understand why you feel so socially anxious.
Self-image and self-reproach are hard “demons” to shake. And the more time you have to dwell (and believe me I know all about dwelling), the more overwhelming these feelings become.
You’ve been a caregiver for someone who was very special to you — I’m sure that made it even harder. Don’t feel guilty about caregiving and your father. You’re not close, and you need your own level of caregiving, and it’s not all your responsibility this time. (I know I’ve already preached this one.
This time of the year has unpleasant memories for you; no wonder you feel mixed about your dad’s health, your health, and the loss of your mother. For me, it’s the loss of stability — our family traditions were carried out until my father died. Especially the last decade or so, Christmas = high anxiety. We rarely decorate (I couldn’t even find the box this year), sometimes put up lights.
Although Vegas does sound like a great opportunity, if Stuart has other more concrete offers, or can’t get a reschedule with Vegas, hopefully at least some of the money woes will be alleviated.
It’s been a bad decade for me (2004-2014), not that others didn’t have their share of stress and woes. Let’s hope that 2014 is a year of regaining some of what you have lost. I really, really, really hope it is.
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That job must not have been meant to be. Maybe something else will come up. Like you said, he doesn’t have a lot of choice at the moment, but any job would be good. Things can turn around quickly.
I have been basically housebound, too, for so long that I am more anxious about leaving than I ever used to be. Not to go visit Dagan and Leah because they live so close and they understand all my issues, but to go to appointments or even shopping. My biggest fears are bathroom related. I try not to stress out because stressing makes it worse–not too successful sometimes. I’m just glad I don’t have that many appointments. 🙂
Hang in there!! 🙂 🙂
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I have some physical challenges including Menieres hearing loss and more. not going to go into here. People do not understand the fear so I don’t try to explain anymore. I still mostly with family and in places I already know. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and the last 15 more so. The vertigo is more predictable now but I have added more things. I used to be so devil may care. I also pray for pain free days and ability to do things as opposed to stuff. healthy people mostly cannot relate and I try to be understand of that but of course in the end I feel slighted when I have been mostly forgotten by friends once I was ill. Luckily my family has been good. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Positive thoughts.
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Thank you jen.
If you ever want to talk…look under the about me page there is a contact form….it will go to my email and I will email you back!
I’ll be happy to be a pen pal!
Thanks for the encouragement….and know you are not alone!!
wendy
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I’m just re reading this and I feel the fear in the pit of my stomach, no better or worse but it’s mere presence is still there. The start of a new year with promises of gold? bullshit, once again I have tried to be positive, the next day my mom wraps her car around a tree and there I am with my son in the ER of our hospital. Nothing changes, everything changes. I guess my positive thoughts/motivation couldn’t even stand a week. I feel like crying but I’m refusing to let myself, just don’t know if I could stop. The promise of a New Year with all its hopes and fantasies. I just popped my own balloon, Life does that to a person, doesn’t it? Let’s all take it day by day. If anyone is interested, we could start our own “small group” personal/private maybe just the people here. Any thoughts? It would be an entirely safe and confidential place. Just a thought…
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