Learning how to hear….again.

I know, I got my processors on Halloween, and I’m just now writing.  What took me so long???  I wanted a picture.  But I still don’t have one.  Sorry.  I promise I will soon.

Here’s a link to a page all about my new processors if you are interested. http://www.advancedbionics.com/com/en/naida_ci_q70.html

Here's a photo from the Advanced Bionics site. My Naida processor is orange, not white.
Here’s a photo from the Advanced Bionics site. My Naida processor is orange, not white.

So far I’m pleased with these, but I have a long way to go with the right ear.  Presently everything sounds a bit high-pitched, or underwater.  When she first turned it on people sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher, but I could understand some of the words.  I also find that most people sound like they have a very southern accent.  People whom I know do not have one, people who may not have ever been in the south!

I haven’t really started auditory therapy yet, mostly I’ve just been wearing the new processor every day, trying to get used to how it works, and simply hearing something on the right side. I’ve  been VERY tired lately.  I know it’s to be expected with the new CI, but exhaustion is a bit much.  I’m also having headaches, my headaches have been reduced so much since I’ve been getting the Botox shots for migraines, it’s difficult when I have one every day to the extreme I’ve been having.

photo from medicinenet.com balance disorders slide show.
photo from medicinenet.com balance disorders slide show.

The vertigo has been pretty predictable lately, every evening I normally have at least a small attack, and often more than one different times in the day.  I’m handling the vertigo well, but it’s so dang annoying, and frankly it’s starting to get a bit boring.  When it’s going on all I can do is focus on one spot, often with one eye closed, and tell myself it’s not real, all while keeping my breathing deep and steady….after a while it gets boring.  Never thought I’d say that about a vertigo attack, but the attacks I’ve been having recently are not the horrible fast spinning kind that last for hours.  Sometimes I do wonder if they would be if I didn’t get the meds in me fast and start this meditation type routine that I’ve come up with.  One day last week I had very fast vertigo I couldn’t focus at all, still I calmed myself down.  It has helped so much to tell myself, “This is not real. You are not moving, This is not real.”  But everyone has different ways to cope, and some may not be able to do this.  I know I would not have been able to just a year or so ago.

I realized something the other day….I gave up.  My husband was talking to me about things that have been going on with me lately and how we needed to talk to the doctor about it and how he wanted me to feel better.  He qualified that he knows it will never go away, but it used to be better.  I shut down.  I actually bothered me to hear he wanted me better.  Then I realized it was because I didn’t believe I would get better.  Ever.  I’ve gotten tired of asking doctors about things and hearing, “I wish there was more we could do”.  I didn’t want to hear that again, so I gave up.  This sounds odd after hearing how I handle my vertigo so much better, but I don’t believe the vertigo will get better.  I used to.

Now I’m in this realization mode, and fighting with myself.  I know I can’t give up!  I have a life.  I do want to get better.  Some of my illnesses may not get better, but I know some things can.  I KNOW this. But with the loss of income, and everything else, I have put myself last….and feel guilty every time we have to spend money on me….so I gave up.  I didn’t want my illnesses to sap all of our funds and energy.  It could get better, but it may not, and I got to the point where I just didn’t want to have my hopes shattered again, especially if it was going to take more of money, simply to be told it won’t get better.  As I write this and think more and more about it, perhaps I never gave up, perhaps I felt I needed to put me on hold.  The situation we are in right now is very stressful and taking much out of both of us.  I do not feel comfortable concentrating on me, I need to concentrate on us.  (this does not mean I’m being negligent about my health, if there is something I really need to see the doctor for, I will go.)

A realtor just left the house.  Yes, it’s time to sell.  I’m afraid we’re going to lose money on the house.  The market has come back a lot in this area, but some houses in our neighborhood sold for so little, it is going to cause our selling price to be greatly reduced.  No matter where Stuart gets a job we want to downsize, hopefully, we won’t have to wonder about our future much longer.  Another phone interview for my hubby in the morning…for a job in Las Vegas.  I cannot imagine living in Las Vegas. I wonder if they have decent doctors.  : )

I realize now that I’m rambling.  Yes, I do that when I’m nervous.  I’m still grateful for so much….our life may hold many questions right now, but it’s a mystery…soon to be an adventure, and I’m sure we’ll be happy with how things turn out.  We’ll be together, and that’s all that counts.


4 thoughts on “Learning how to hear….again.

  1. Just because you accept what is present in your life and work around it doesn’t mean you are giving up on change in the future. But living with different expectations for the present, the reality you live–rejection and dissatisfaction with the moment you are living right now–can cause a tremendous amount of stress in itself and make the present worse. At least that is my experience in living with chronic pain and a severely curtailed life. When I finally accepted my life as it was…that’s when it actually slowly improved and I was much happier, even if my life never changed a great deal physically, it did get better. It changed tremendously internally. I still think I might get even better. Acceptance does not mean giving up. Love and hugs, lady!!


  2. You are an inspiration to me. xo Vegas??? WOW! I imagine they have good doctors. But…I am not crazy about you moving…since this environment seems to work for you and other more selfish reasons on my part. 😉


  3. I definitely understand the giving up, but I’m glad it seems to be temporary. Selling the house. Gosh. That’s so stressful on top of everything else.

    I should e-mail you and tell you how I’m doing, but there’s not much to tell. I think about you a lot, dear.


  4. Dealing with chronic illness is a bit like the stages of grief — and there will be times we hit the wall. I’ve always qualified my statements with “if all goes as planned,” because tempting fate seemed to ensure the undesired outcome.
    You are stronger than you feel right now (look at all you’ve made it through so far) It’s understandable when your world is changing and you’re trying to deal with changes within yourself to feel overwhelmed and underconfident. The future is scary when what you have is truly chronic. But, you did try the meditation for vertigo, you got the implants, you made the round of drs. Even if it feels like you’ve given up, there is still some of Zena, the Warrior Princess (been thinking about Zena a lot lately) in you.
    “We’ll be together, and that’s all that counts.” can be a mantra.
    And hey, don’t they film CSI in Los Vegas?
    Thnking of you.


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