Dear 16 Year Old Me – HAWMC Day 10

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness15 Comments
Me at 16.

**warning to readers….this is a graphic letter.  Things I really wish someone would have told me and helped me with, some may be offended by the frankness.  There may be some major mistakes in the writing, I tried to read it over, but just couldn’t.

Dear 16 year old me.

Hi Wendy….You won’t believe it, but I am now almost 50 years old.

I know you are confused. I know it’s hard to believe that I could be writing you from the future, but please just sit back and listen. I hope to help make these coming times just a little bit easier.   Please know, I love you, with all my heart.  You will go through times that you don’t like yourself very much, but know you will.  I’m just hoping you can start a bit sooner.

Recently you have been very depressed, and confused. Some days you are very happy, a bit euphoric even, and other days you don’t think you can carry on. Everyone thinks you are going though normal teenage hormones, just growing up. You are, but you are also dealing with a bit more. You need to make someone listen. Your mother has always been your best advocate. Sit down with her, talk honestly. Tell her just how depressed you have been and that you need to see a mental health professional.  I’ll be blunt, you have Bipolar disorder. Don’t worry, you can be treated. But hopefully, you can catch this much earlier than I did the first time around. In my time line you went through many hard years and many heart breaks. You still live with the fall out from those times. If you can get help now perhaps your life can go much smoother.   (much easier.)

If you can’t, there is one thing I suggest…STRONGLY.  Be careful with your sex life.  You will feel, once you are “soiled”, it isn’t worth the fight. It is. YOU ARE!  You will lose your self esteem. You will lose so much. When you get into therapy, finally, you will have a good therapist, but she will not understand. She will acknowledge your past problems with abuse and see you think a man will only care if you give yourself to him. She will say. Sex is ok, but only if you really want to do it. You will often feel that you really want to do it. Please Wait. Wait many times. Wait until the relationship is so much more. Do not jump into a sexual relationship until the relationship is more than just sex. Please take this more seriously than you can believe. It will change your life!!!

Stay close to your mother. Give her a break much more often than you do. Take her off the pedestal. She can’t read your mind, STOP being so passive aggressive. It carries on to other relationships and you don’t need that. You lose her much too early. She encourages you and stays by your side through everything, but unfortunately she doesn’t live to see you completely stable. Savor the years you have. You will be so very close, but you do put her through many worries. Try to lessen those for both of you.

You will start to have some health issues. Hearing issues, vertigo….you think you are having food poison many times…there are many breaks between these sicknesses. You are heading toward a hard fight with a hearing disorder that will cause a lot of balance issues. There really isn’t anything they could do if you found out earlier. So don’t sweat they you don’t find out until later. But if you find out earlier, it might help you in your career.

Dare to be braver. Work harder on your art if you REALLY want to. Don’t be so scared to fail. You will only have a few years to be able to work at this. So if you fail, it’s not a big deal.   But if you succeed, and I really think you could, think of how you would feel about you!  I believe in you.  Looking back, you could have done so much more.  Work on your muse!  Find what inspires you the most!  (oh and in college…start out as an Art Major. add in Art Education, but don’t waste time, if you do you will run out of financial aid before you know it and will not get the education you deserve.

You will have some health issues that change your life….so you change your life to go along with it.  You still have a good life.  You have a wonderful life, even with everything that you go through, you find a way to make your life meaningful.

You do meet the most wonderful man, and have a joyous life with him…but it won’t happen until you are in your late 30’s, you marry at 41. Do not worry. It happens. Don’t fret. And don’t think there is something wrong with you. Focus on your happiness.  This man will stand beside you through all your health issues.  You will have a better relationship than you ever thought imaginable.  He is worth waiting for.

Focus on YOU.

Study things you want to learn.
Dive into your ART.
Study Yoga…you will love it.
Become as healthy as you can, you will need it later.
Take care of you…And trust your heart…don’t listen to those who are just looking for fun for the moment.
Hopefully, if you listen to this, and get treated early, you will have an easier life.

Don’t take things so seriously….however, when you believe in something, don’t let others pull you away from your beliefs. In that same vein….do not get too caught up in other people’s beliefs without really looking into them. Make sure they are what you believe deep in your heart, and the that the facts are sound.

Question everything.
Love Deep.
Laugh Often.
And Cry Less.
Look for Beauty.
And appreciate Life.

From your future self, who hopes things turn out a bit differently.

With unconditional love, always and forever.

wendy

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON – #HAWMC Day 9

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness5 Comments

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON a poster that was made to during World War II in Britain but was never used.  It was to be put up if full-scale invasion happened.  It never happened, so the posters were destroyed, well most of them.  You can read all about how a poster was found and the Calm-O-Matic was started here http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/guide-to-keep-calm/

This prompt is very interesting.  We are asked to make a poster of our own, and possibly make it about our own illness.  Well, I have so many illnesses, I decided to make it more about a motto.

We all have bad days, and we all have good days, I think we should make sure to not take the good days for granted.  Every good day you have, do something you really want to do!  That doesn’t mean you have to run off and do something adventurous or over tire yourself.  If you really want to just relax and watch a movie, Do It!  If you want to sit in the backyard and enjoy the sun, Do It!  If you want to go for a ride with your husband and just enjoy being out of the house, as I often do, then do it!  All I’m saying is, do not continue to lie in bed on those days when you feel like you could move to the couch.  Do not stay on the couch when you feel you could walk outside.  If you love to cook, and think you could that night, go for it!  Make sure you have a back up in case you feel you are over doing it.

I promise even on those days you do a little too much, and you are a bit more tired or sore the next day, you will feel better that you accomplished something, and felt free for a little while.  (if you are as isolated as I often am, you know what I mean by feeling free)

So, KEEP CALM AND ENJOY THE GOOD DAYS!

May you have many, many Good Days!

Best Conversation – #HAWMC Day 8

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

Today’s Prompt is Best conversation I had this week. Try writing script-style (or with dialogue) today
to recap an awesome conversation you had this week.

I had an entirely different post written for today….then Saturday afternoon Stuart and I were out running errands and decided stop in a fast food restaurant for a drink and a snack.  (not the best place for a snack, but dinner was a long way off and we were both hungry!)

We ordered our food, got our drinks and sat at our table.  We were just chatting and planning the rest of the day waiting on our fries.   An elderly lady who smelled of Channel No. 5 walked up, she was dressed in a floral dress, with a bright sweater, costume jewelry that was stylish many years before I was born, and lipstick that mostly covered her lips.  She was delightful!

She smiled broadly and asked, “Are you married?”

I looked at Stuart and smiled, we both shook our heads yes, and answered, “Yes, yes we are.”

“Oh! I thought so!  You just look at each other as if you are!  My husband and I have been married for 58 years!”

Stuart, “Oh, my! That’s admirable, I hope we can make it that long!”

Me – “How amazing, you look so happy!”  “We’ve only been married for 8 1/2 years.”

Dear Lady – “That long??  I thought you just got married the way you look at each other!  You look like you are still on your honeymoon!”

We looked at each other and smiled, then looked at her and both agreed, it still feels like we just got married.  She was thrilled….and so were we.

there was a bit more gushing, thank you’s and congratulations and she disappeared as mysteriously as she arrived.  I never did see her husband, he was behind me.  I kept thinking, I wonder what it was about us that made her come up and do that…..now, I keep thinking…I don’t care.   I’m so happy for such a chance encounter with such an amazing woman.

For that moment…I was not a sick person.   My husband and I were simply sharing a moment, acting as we normally would, and it sparked something so deep in this marvelous woman that she felt compelled to come and tell us how in love we looked.  Stuart said that I can never tell him that he doesn’t show me how much he loves me, but I wouldn’t.  He does, every day.  And on a normal day, we do hold hands, and gaze in each others’ eyes.  We laugh with each other, and sneak a quick pinch on the butt….is the honeymoon over….truthfully, we never had a real honeymoon.  I can tell you, when we talk about our wedding we still feel like it just happened.  We get all mushy about it.  I can also tell you, every day I love my husband just a little bit more.

First Dance at our wedding.
Sept. 3, 2004


Writer’s Choice – #HACMC – Day 7 I Heard a Bee Buzz.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness8 Comments

With Meniere’s I have fluctuation hearing loss, with eventual permanent hearing loss.

If you are a regular reader you know my situation, if not I’ll fill you in.

Right now, my left ear has 0% word recognition and cannot be helped with a hearing aid, my right aid has about 80% word recognition with the help of a hearing aid.  However, the hearing fluctuates.  My hearing fluctuates more with weather changes, and  when I have a Meniere’s attack.  (to learn more about Meniere’s please see the page above).

One day a few weeks ago I woke up and could barely hear.  Every sound sounded like it was coming through a busted speaker.  The same went on for 3 days.  I admit this had me concerned.  When I lost the hearing in my left ear, the majority was lost in just 3 short months.  The loss started in this fashion.  Sounding like a busted speaker, having a tinny sound.  Normally, in my right ear when the hearing fluctuated, it simply dropped, then would return, sometimes not quite all the way, but when it dropped, it was just a bit softer, not this tinny sound.  So I was nervous.  And I realize, this could still be a sign of potential nerve damage.

However, in about 3 or 4 days, I had a vertigo attack.  Classic sign of a Meniere’s attack.  Fluctuating hearing, then a vertigo attack, ending in complete exhaustion.  When I woke the next day.  I could hear again!  I was so thrilled.  I had a horrible headache, but I could hear.  Who knows how long this hearing may last.  I decided to do something I rarely do, I took much medication to get my headache under control, and went outside hoping to hear some birds.  Sadly I didn’t hear any birds.  I was not the right time of the day.  But being outside was so nice.  I decided to sit on the back porch and enjoy the beautiful spring late afternoon. Soon I was joined by a friend.

Photo courtesy of mr.brown thumb
click photo to be taken to his blog.

A huge bumble bee decided I would make a good friend.  I was out on the back porch for at leash half an hour possibly more, this lovely bumble bee kept me company the entire time.  He would come closer, then go a little bit away.  He faced me, then raced away and buzzed right back.  I talked to him and told him how beautiful he was and how I was out there hoping to hear things I may not hear much longer.  As if he could hear me, he came up right beside my head, I could not only HEAR this beautiful Bumble Bee BUZZ, I felt it!!  He then came around in front of me and looked at me.  I know, this was just by chance, and perhaps because I had on a bright orange shirt.  However, no matter how long I live, and no matter if I lose all of my hearing, I will never forget the day I heard a bee buzz.

Health Haiku – #HAWMC Day 6

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness5 Comments

“Quick Send Money Now!”

Yes, I have brain disorder,

But, I’m not Stupid!

image from seemehearme.biz

Cannot Hear the Voice

Startled by the man behind

He assumes I’m rude

image from http://juick.com/ellma/1346507

Living in Fun House

Is a scary place to live

Not knowing what’s real

The previous Haiku’s all represent health issues I deal with.  The first, a little joke about having a brain disorder, Intracranial Hypertension.  The second, a challenge about losing my hearing late in life.  Of course, anyone who is hearing impaired may have the same struggle, I do not know.  And lastly. this haiku talks a bit about living with both Intracranial Hypertension, and Meniere’s. Each cause me to have vertigo and other visual disturbances.

I hope you have enjoyed.

From the Heart ….#HAWMC Day 5

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness13 Comments

This is not from a prompt it’s from my heart.

This is on the ugly side.  Probably a post with too much information for some.  It’s very emotional, and I’m not exactly sure where it will all end…

"Turmoil" computer graphic
wendy holcombe - 2012

I’ve noticed a lot since I have been diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension that my emotions are a bit out of whack, and I haven’t had the best filter on my mouth.  I cry a lot of the time, and try to be as strong as possible.  I feel alone and keep reaching out trying to ask for help, but just keep alienating people.

I continue to help others if they need to talk, if they need a shoulder…but my shoulders are just so soggy lately.  There are days I feel I have it all under control, my headaches are better, my vision is better, I’m getting around a bit better, so why am I a mess?  Why can’t I relate to people like I normally do?

I asked the doctor, is it the condition, the medication side effects, one medication mixing with other medication, do we need to adjust my bipolar medication???  I was told, “Yes. Maybe. It’s complicated.”  then I was told, “I’m sorry your condition is not easily fixed.”

Well that’s all well and good, but I’m losing everyone around me.  I feel like I’m going insane.  I’m so alone, and scared.  It’s getting to the point that the only one who will put up with me is my husband.  At least I think I do remember to tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

Then the terrors start.  I’m terrified of being alone, not all the time, just some of the time.  It’s more than that, I’m afraid of being without my husband. (again, not all the time, sometimes I feel very capable, then other times…Panic!!!)  What if something happens and he’s not here and I have vertigo and can’t stand up, and can’t stop throwing up, and ……  panic, panic….what if I’m upstairs and he’s gone and I can’t go downstairs and my blood sugar is too low and I need to eat, but can’t get down the stairs safely….panic, panic….what if….I Fall??…..what if…..OH remember to BREATHE!  There are just so many things he does for me, he has no idea how much easier he makes my life.  Often just by being here so I know if I need him, he’s here.

So, what do we do first…how do we sort this out?  Already 2 medication changes.  Soon another.  This week I see my Psychiatrist to see if there is anything we need to change there.  Is there any medication that is working against anything.  Should we add something to help ease some of this?  Will it help?

Does anyone really have any idea?

I do have bipolar I disorder, I know what it feels to not be myself.  I know I’m not going through a depressive or manic swing, but I know I’m not myself, and that tells me I need to back away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to that little voice when it first started screaming at me a few weeks ago.

Will I have any friends left at the end of this.  I admit I didn’t have many at the beginning.  Having a chronic illness for this long is not good for keeping good relationships.  No one’s fault really, it’s just very hard.  But I’d like to stop alienating the few people I do have supporting me.

Right now, I plan to finish this months writing challenge then take a Hiatus from my blog for a while and try to get this straightened out.  I don’t feel like I’m myself lately, and I don’t want to be putting words out there that aren’t really want I want to say.

I hope those of you who have been on the confusing end of my emotions recently can find a way to understand and forgive.  After the 1st of May, I plan to just take a break, I hope to see you soon.

I write about my health because – #HAWMC Day 4

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

I started writing about my health because I wanted to log how my health was improving.  It was after a couple of surgeries, and I was ready to start exercising, eating better, and making some grand changes in my life, but I still wanted to keep up with my symptoms and start talking to others who had some of the conditions I did to find out how they dealt with them.  I knew not all of my conditions were going away, I just didn’t understand how much they could take over your life.  (for a list of my conditions, please see the page above, titled “My Ants”)

Soon my health started getting worse, and my writing became more important to me.  Reaching out to others became more important.  Finding out all I could about my illnesses was very important, I had to know what was going on, and I needed to share what I found with others.  I felt alone, and I needed to make sure others didn’t have to feel the same.  If they could find me, then they didn’t have to feel alone any more….a grand idea I know, not everyone will click with me, but they may read something here and think…”Yes, I feel that too.”  I soon found out way too many people did feel the same.  One of the ways we no longer feel alone is through our blogs, and our online communities.

Now there are many reasons I write about my health –

  • to get to know others who are in the same or similar situation I’m in.
  • to get more information out there about my illnesses
  • to let people know they aren’t alone, and so I won’t feel so alone
  • to promote more knowledge about my conditions, especially Meniere’s and Intracranial Hypertension (most people don’t know much about those.)
  • to put a face on invisible illnesses
  • to make it easier for people to talk about having a chronic illness
  • to learn ways manage my illnesses easier.  (for instance, using aids for assistance, like my walker or hearing aids….)
  • because I love myself, and writing makes it easier for me to accept my illness, and to constantly adapt to new expectations.
  • and one huge reason I write about my illness – so I won’t drive my husband crazy constantly telling him every little detail over and over and over!

Super Power Day – HAWMC Day 3

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness6 Comments

If you had a super power what would it be?

Hummm, that’s kind of a no brainer.  I’m chronically ill, I know a lot of people who are chronically ill….I think I’d have to say a healer.

So I decided to take this a bit further.  I’m a bit of a cartoon buff.  Of course, when I started thinking about super powers I started thinking about cartoon characters.  My husband and I started talking about it, and I told him I thought I’d like to be Katara, from The Last Air Bender (please note, I am only referencing the animated series, I have not seen the movie.).  I’m also an environmentalist, and believe the earth has to be in harmony.

This animated series brings all of this together.  The world is divided into 4 nations representing the 4 elements, Earth, Air, Water, and Fire.  I’m not going to go into the plot of the show, just explain the power I’d like to have.  There are some people from each nation with “bending” skills.  It combines martial art skills with controlling specific elements.  Each nation’s bending ability would have it’s own martial arts style, and ability.

Katara is from a Water tribe.  She can bend water.  It is a beautiful thing to see.  The flow of her body as the water follows her movements, she can make it whip, and encase someone, and freeze you in place, and she can use it to heal.

Katara is strong and has a pure heart she fights for what she believes is right no matter what the cost.  She gets so angry sometimes, but it’s because she feels so deeply.  When the show first started she had a lot of growing to do, but by the end, she had grown into a fine young woman, and an exceptional water bender.  She can take the water and mix it with the water in your body and heal you, it may take some time, but it can often be done.   I would be proud to be like Katara.  (but I wouldn’t want to live at the South Pole, good thing she travels a lot.)

The video below is a tribute to Katara, it’s set to music so if you don’t have sound, don’t worry you aren’t missing dialogue.  You will see how passionate she is, the amazing fighting skills, and notice when she takes the drops of water out of the vial around her neck and places it on the boy’s back, she is healing him after he was nearly killed in a battle.  Amazing powers….actually, I think they are only slightly a gift, then they are a skill.  If you do not have a good teacher, and practice, this gift will not turn out to be the power Katara has made of hers.  Another reason I would like this type of power.  I have learned that an ability you have fought to achieve is much more appreciated.

Inspiration Quotation “I Believe In You.” – HAWMC Day 2

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness9 Comments
graphic by w. holcombe 2012

I hear many quotes that I get inspiration from.  The one I’m continually inspired from is one I heard over and over again from my mother, “I Believe In You.”  After she died, it was a long time before I heard those words again.  Now, I’m so grateful to once again hear the same words over and over from my husband.

Those 4 words resonate through my very soul.

“I Believe In You”

Because of these words,

I was the first person in my family to graduate college.

I had the courage to seek help for a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder) that was tearing me apart.

I had the courage to become an artist and show my artwork in a gallery and have a one person show.

I have had the courage to face my chronic illnesses as they have been diagnosed, including Meniere’s disease a vestibular disorder with sudden vertigo and  hearing loss, and most recently Intracranial Hypertension a disorder of the brain causing high cerebrospinal fluid.  (please know these are very simple explanations of each of these disorders)

I have the courage to face each day as it comes, make the most of each good moment, and realize that at the end of my days I will look back and all these moments will have added up to be a pretty good life.

“I Believe In You.”

Everyone faces their own battles, we all need someone to believe in us.

Who do you believe in?

Have you told them?

Make sure to let them know.

When you are facing a hardship, fighting a battle in your life, it’s easy to give up when you don’t think anyone believes in you.  When you have someone pulling for you, someone who believes in you, it’s much harder to give up.  Courage comes from belief.  Belief in yourself, for some belief in a higher being,  but sometimes, we need a little help from someone else.  We need to feel a human touch, someone who can reach out and say…”I Believe In You.”

My wish…Go out today, and tell someone special you believe in them!

I used to be….. WHBC Day 1

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness8 Comments

This is the first post in WEGO’s Health Bloggers Post every day for a Month Challenge.

This is from one of the Extra Prompts they sent out. A Poem…

I used to be…..but I’m not any more.

I used to be an artist who painted large paintings, but I not any more.

I used to be a hearing person, but I’m not any more.

I used to be in less pain, but I’m not any more.

I used to be steady on my feet, but I’m not any more

I used to be active and social, but I’m not any more.

I used to be a thinner, but I’m not any more.

I used to be less understanding, but I’m not any more.

I used to be unaware, but I’m not any more.

I used to be less loving of myself, but I’m not any more.

I used to be full of other expectations, but I’m not any more.

I used to be less accepting, but I’m not any more.

I used to be alone, but I’m not any more.

I used to be sad about losing my old life, but I’m not any more.

There are some things I miss about what I used to be, but I like myself more now.  I’ve learned so much about me.  I’ve learned so much about life.

My illnesses may have caused some things to not be as I expected them to be, so why not simply change those expectations…or get rid of them.  Live day-to-day.  Moment to moment.  Soon you will look back and all those happy moments, will become happy days and the happy days will have added up to a happy lifetime.

Every day you possibly can, do something fun, be happy!!

I used to sad about being sick, but I’m not any more.   (well, most of the time.)

Live Happy.