From the Heart ….#HAWMC Day 5

This is not from a prompt it’s from my heart.

This is on the ugly side.  Probably a post with too much information for some.  It’s very emotional, and I’m not exactly sure where it will all end…

"Turmoil" computer graphic
wendy holcombe - 2012

I’ve noticed a lot since I have been diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension that my emotions are a bit out of whack, and I haven’t had the best filter on my mouth.  I cry a lot of the time, and try to be as strong as possible.  I feel alone and keep reaching out trying to ask for help, but just keep alienating people.

I continue to help others if they need to talk, if they need a shoulder…but my shoulders are just so soggy lately.  There are days I feel I have it all under control, my headaches are better, my vision is better, I’m getting around a bit better, so why am I a mess?  Why can’t I relate to people like I normally do?

I asked the doctor, is it the condition, the medication side effects, one medication mixing with other medication, do we need to adjust my bipolar medication???  I was told, “Yes. Maybe. It’s complicated.”  then I was told, “I’m sorry your condition is not easily fixed.”

Well that’s all well and good, but I’m losing everyone around me.  I feel like I’m going insane.  I’m so alone, and scared.  It’s getting to the point that the only one who will put up with me is my husband.  At least I think I do remember to tell him how much I love and appreciate him.

Then the terrors start.  I’m terrified of being alone, not all the time, just some of the time.  It’s more than that, I’m afraid of being without my husband. (again, not all the time, sometimes I feel very capable, then other times…Panic!!!)  What if something happens and he’s not here and I have vertigo and can’t stand up, and can’t stop throwing up, and ……  panic, panic….what if I’m upstairs and he’s gone and I can’t go downstairs and my blood sugar is too low and I need to eat, but can’t get down the stairs safely….panic, panic….what if….I Fall??…..what if…..OH remember to BREATHE!  There are just so many things he does for me, he has no idea how much easier he makes my life.  Often just by being here so I know if I need him, he’s here.

So, what do we do first…how do we sort this out?  Already 2 medication changes.  Soon another.  This week I see my Psychiatrist to see if there is anything we need to change there.  Is there any medication that is working against anything.  Should we add something to help ease some of this?  Will it help?

Does anyone really have any idea?

I do have bipolar I disorder, I know what it feels to not be myself.  I know I’m not going through a depressive or manic swing, but I know I’m not myself, and that tells me I need to back away.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to that little voice when it first started screaming at me a few weeks ago.

Will I have any friends left at the end of this.  I admit I didn’t have many at the beginning.  Having a chronic illness for this long is not good for keeping good relationships.  No one’s fault really, it’s just very hard.  But I’d like to stop alienating the few people I do have supporting me.

Right now, I plan to finish this months writing challenge then take a Hiatus from my blog for a while and try to get this straightened out.  I don’t feel like I’m myself lately, and I don’t want to be putting words out there that aren’t really want I want to say.

I hope those of you who have been on the confusing end of my emotions recently can find a way to understand and forgive.  After the 1st of May, I plan to just take a break, I hope to see you soon.

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13 thoughts on “From the Heart ….#HAWMC Day 5

  1. You know yourself better than anyone. Do whatever you need to do, lady! If you need to take a break, we’ll be here when you get back. I wish I had healing powers. *hugs* 🙂

  2. Oh Wendy! I used to get panicky too! Once my sister walked away from me in the grocery store, and I stood there in the Pepsi aisle shaking and holding back my tears. When she found me I broke down and she said she would never leave me alone again. Why did that happen? I have no idea! But I am taking an anti-anxiety drug now and I take it when I need to. I also take an anti-depressant, but that really didn’t help with my panic/anxiety. I am sure that your lack of meaningful friendships has nothing to do wth you….it has everything to do with your illness. Let’s face it, people are uncomfortable around us. They feel helpless…so they stay away. Maybe a break is what you need, and don’t feel guilty about it. It must be very hard for you to post when you feel so shitty. Take a vacation from the internet for awhile and rest and attend to your heath.
    xoxomo

    • Thank you mo. Saw the doc today, and am starting on an anti anxiety drug. I just wish they could tell me if it’s the condition, the side effects…or that I’m just worn out from everything that’s causing it. I don’t like the idea of taking something if it’s another drug causing it. I’ll be around. just going to focus on getting more centered. this last bit has thrown me a bit more than normal. I’m pretty resilient, but well…..the springs are getting a little worn. gotta get work on getting some replaced I think.

      thank you again, glad it has helped you. gives me hope. w

  3. I can relate to much of this. I’m so sorry you are suffering in this way. You seem like a very creative and talented person. I hope you can use your art as an outlet. If you ever want to swing by and see our site, a lot of people post who are going through similar things. It’s a photography collective specifically for people dealing with mental health issues. Maybe coming by or even submitting some of your photo-related work will be a small help. We would welcome your work.
    Feel well. Wishing you some relief very soon.
    D. and the Broken Light Collective

    • D. and the Broken Light Collective..
      Thank you.
      I dropped by, a beautiful site. I’ll come by more often.
      I hope to get out soon and work a bit more on my photography.
      One of my illnesses is messing with my eyesight, so I may be doing much more manipulation….could be interesting.
      thank you so much for commenting.

      hope to be by soon.
      wendy

  4. I can empathize and understand your emotional turmoil, the panic, alienating people, the isolation, confusion on what is causing what, how, and why and some days just being tired of it all.
    Take a break; do what ever you need to do to help you feel better. I think you have more friends in the cyberverse than you feel like you have right now; judging by the number and variety of folks who stop by and leave comments (and that’s not counting those who care, but don’t always comment), I’d say you’re not as alone as you feel!
    Wishing you all the best; remember you do have virtual friends who will be missing you, hoping you feel better, and waiting for your return (whenever it feels right).
    I hope the fairies in your garden glow extra bright.
    Take good care my friend.

    • thank you my friend. I will be available by email. and I will probably still be lurking around on other’s blogs….on some days. other days will be just for me. I’m planning meditation, relaxation, some intrinsic work. Hoping to get to just work on inner me, my soul….so I can work on the mind and body later.

      but I’m always here for a friend. it may take me a day or two, but I’m here. w

  5. I’m going to sound like a mom now but remember, you don’t “have to” do all the prompts for this month. I know you have some posts done but take care of yourself first. We all need a break sometimes.

    • oh honey, I know. and I plan to do the 2 day break…hahaha but one of the things that bothering me is this out of control feeling….so doing this is kind of proving to me I can control something right now even in the midst of everything. Besides….i have almost everything done. some I need photos for, or spiffing up…but, for the most part….I’m not stressing about this month’s posts. They aren’t really making me delve into the deep recesses of my thoughts. haha

      When I break, I’m planning on a meditative, calming routine….trying to find some yoga I can do that won’t make me barf..get back to my center. Find the me I like that has nothing to do with my illnesses. Then I’ll come back and write a bit about it…I really think, I just need to focus more on the Spirit part of the Mind, Body, Spirit.

      thank you my friend. w

  6. Oh Wendy 😦 I can so much relate to this too, and it soubds horrible, but sometimes feel like the ‘only’ thing i am in control of is who i talk to, so sometimes i have a break from people i know simply just to be in control. I mean, i cant go out by myself, cant do pretty much anything for myself, and it all gets too much at times. I want to be independant, but how can I?
    Could you maybe tell the people that you are having a rough patch and need a break until you sort things out or something? I hope if they love you they could understand 😦
    and then comes the anxiety :-/ I mean, i feel stupid for worrying most of the times, but you know what…it IS scary ! it is scary to fall on the floor and vomit uncontrollably and not be able to walk (thats why i am so terrified of the kitchen because thats where my huge attack happened) I mean, what if we were cooking and it happened and we were alone?the house would burn down. I have the exact same feelings you do, what if i need food and i cant get any? what if i have diareah and cant get out of bed to walk to the toilet? and it doesnt help that Mr F works 12 hour shifts so I am alone so much. It has taken me so many small steps to get a bit better with this and I have to distract myself when i start thinking like that, but even the psychologist says it is a ‘rational’ fear LOL so it is hard to stop the cycle of thoughts, but i am getting much better with it now
    I now keep some gluten free crackers in my bedside drawer which helps, i just think, well, if something happens i have the crackers LOL (even though i keep eating them and having to replace them haha)
    Take all the time you need beautiful lady and concentrate on yourself, meditation sounds great, I have been a bit slack in that area lately so i need to start again too.
    Love you xxxxxx

    • you my dear are wonderful. I may bend your ear a bit more soon. but know that I actually am feeling better than I did when I wrote this. I’ve already started working on things….and it’s better. we’ll talk more. love to you xoxo w

    • Fizzy,
      I’m getting better at being in control of some things. Have made an emergency kit for when I feel a vertigo attack coming. I got a gym bag and filled it with a towel, some wash cloths, a couple of the snap kind of ice packs that get cold when you shake them (I get really hot when an attack is coming or during one), a couple of bottles of water, some small trash bags (to throw up in), and my emergency meds….the Valium and Phenergan. Now I have that close, and if something happens I am prepared a little at least.
      Also, I now keep a lunch box beside my bed when Stuart isn’t around, with snacks that will really tide me over if I need. Some things I’ve packed: hummus or other dip, and veggies, crackers (always there anyway like you), hard boiled eggs, cheese sticks, yogurt, nuts….

      so I’m feeling much more in control. Even if I don’t touch the food, I know it’s there. I keep it there at night too because I often can’t sleep and Stuart needs his sleep. Luckily lately, I’ve been able to go downstairs and do more during the day….but I know now, I can always pack up my little lunch box cooler.

      love to you my dear.
      maybe one of these suggestions might help you a bit??
      hugs,
      I’ve missed you!
      w

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