Tag: #chronicillness

Blog Posts I’d like to Share

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness5 Comments

Ok, so I planned to enter more posts I’ve read that made an impact on me, but if you’ve read my last post you know I’ve been going through a mess.  I started this post before I started having the run on vertigo, and I really wanted to make sure everyone saw these wonderful posts.  There is a lot of good information out there and I’m ever so eager to share some of the things I’m learning.  (BTW, I’m feeling much better!!)

Recently I’ve been reading some really great posts and articles on-line and I’d really like to share a few.  I wish I’d written some of this great information.  So please take the time to read:

Markovich Photo Art
Markovich Photo Art

From ADD and So Much More, Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CMC, MCC, SCAC takes on the subject of Loneliness ins a must read 3 part series:  Part 1 – The Importance of Community to Health  Part 2. –  Sliding Into Loneliness  Part 3  – When you’re longing for Connection

On Living with Hearing Loss, Shari Eberts asks the question Why is it Still OK to Make Fun of Hearing Loss?  If you have hearing loss, know someone who has hearing loss, or simply want understand the hearing loss world, you should check out this blog post and much of Shari’s blog.

Bipolar Barbie-Q takes on how it feels when you are in the throws of depression.  (this is a subject I plan to cover soon myself, but you need to read her post, it’s raw, and full of passion, and will give you a great understanding on how complicated depression is.  I’m the Queen of Run-On’s.

 

I hope you have a good read today.

 

 

 

Roller Coaster —– Down

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, vertigo11 Comments

I wrote my last post with just joy in my heart and feeling better than I had in as long as I can remember.

Then I crashed.

That evening I had a bout of vertigo, but I would not let it put a damper on my day.  It was a glorious day, and I will hold it in my heart.

But it’s over, at least for now.  Forgive me if this post doesn’t make as much sense as it should, I’m writing it as I watch the screen dance before my eyes.  This is incredibly difficult, but I felt the need to tell everyone I’m not doing that well and I wanted to talk about it.

For nearly 3 days now I’ve had vertigo almost constantly.   It may be slow at times where I just barely see the world moving, other times I can still handle it, it’s very hard to focus on anything and I can’t hear very well.  Then I have times like I did last night.  I was so sick.  I didn’t sleep until 4am.  I fought then nausea and vomiting.  I had severe stomach cramps and feel like I threw up all night, but I’m happy to say I didn’t.  (thank you to all my medications, and my darling husband who stayed by my side and chanted with me for hours).

I’m amazed at how much this has changed over the years.  When I first started getting vertigo, and when it only came around a few times a year, I would have been throwing up for most of the last 3 days.  I think the biggest thing that has changed is that I rarely freak out from it now.  I don’t fight it.  I know what’s happening.  I try to just go with the flow.  That doesn’t mean I don’t panic and that it doesn’t get to me, after a few hours I’m freaking out a bit.  What if it never ends.

This makes me not want to live.   I’m stuck in this chair, I can’t walk by myself, I can’t even use my walker most of the time without falling.  Stuart and I have to walk in tandem to take me to the bathroom.  I have my head on his chest and he walks backward to get me there.  This is not a life.

I can’t communicate well.  I can barely understand anything that is being said.  I can’t focus on anything most of the time.  Literally, right now I am typing on a computer that is swaying on my lap.  If I didn’t type by touch, you wouldn’t be reading this.

Last night I went to sleep hoping to not wake up.  Don’t worry I’m not suicidal, I just want live like this to end. The only way I can see this stopping is to not be here anymore.  The risk with the gentamicin is so scary.  I just don’t know what to do.  Plus finding a doctor who would actually do it, well that’s a whole other thing.

My new doctor has mentioned steroid injections.  I’m not sure it will do anything, but it can’t hurt to try.  If I can hold it together long enough to get it done.  And handle the side effects that are sure to follow for a while.

If I can get through more days like this.  Days where the world spins at what ever speed it wants.  Days where I can do nothing but sit here and wish for it to stop.  Days where the steroids are making me so hungry, but I’m so nauseous at the same time.  Unfortunately, the hunger wins most of the time.  So I guess I’ll sit here and eat and just pray that this there is something that stops this.  Something inside me that can slow this down enough that my eyes and brain aren’t so tired from trying to make sense of it all.

What do I do.  I try to remember that is will not always be this way.  It will end.  I will have some relief.  I have to believe.   I will admit that is my biggest fear, that it will never end.

If you walked in my house right now I’d look perfectly fine, minus the few tears on my face.   I’m sitting in a chair, staring at the computer, the TV is on in the background, hubby is sitting in another chair munching away.  I look like I’m perfectly fine.  But I’m fighting like hell just to hold it together.

This moment.  I can get through this moment.  I know I can.  The next moment isn’t here, things will change.  I know it will.  That is the constant in the universe, everything changes.  I will be in this moment, as crappy as it is, but I know it will change.

Sometimes that isn’t a good thought, I know this change could be worse.  I’m not good with worse right now.

When people who have never had vertigo here me say, I’m having an attack, they have no idea what I’m talking about.  However, I think when those of us who have vertigo mention, we had an attack, or we are having an attack.  We don’t think about how bad it really is, until it is happening to us again.  And we don’t think about how different vertigo can be for different people.  I have found myself thinking, “If you are having an attack, how could you possibly be typing?”  Yet here I am.  When I only had the most horrific vertigo attacks and I heard someone say they had vertigo and it wasn’t like mine, I wondered, “Do they really know what vertigo is like?”  Now, I can’t judge.  I understand.  Vertigo can manifest itself differently.  You can see the world rotate, at different speeds, it doesn’t always have to be so fast that the world is a complete blur, it can mean that the world is slowly rotating, I see things they simply will not be still.  Both are vertigo, I can just handle one better than the other.

Then I’ve found you can have vertigo where you feel you are moving but you don’t see anything moving.  Most people say they feel like they are on a boat or something similar.  I do have this kind of vertigo too, for me this is not as bad at the visual vertigo, for others this could be much more dramatic.  I was rushed to the hospital once because the vertigo made me feel like I was being tossed around the room and I was completely still.  I threw up a lot during that one, unfortunately I don’t think the ambulance attendant got out of the way of that once.  I knew something was wrong, I thought I might be dying.  I remmeber telling Stuart if I died I was happy everyone I love knows it.

When we got to the ER, they couldn’t do anything.  Pumped me full of more of the meds I already have at home and told me that vertigo can make you feel like that.  Inside I freaked out thinking, “I could feel like this again?”  Now I have this recurring vertigo where I’ll suddenly feel like I’ve stepped into an open elevator shaft and I just keep falling.  Stuart will hold me so tight and tell me I’m not falling, but I am.  I know I am.  I see the world rush by, I feel my body dropping.  It has happened once without him here and I thought there was no way I could get through it.   I did.  But I never want to do that alone again.  I never want to do it again at all, but that is kind of unrealistic.

Again, I want to assure everyone I’m not suicidal.  I do believe this will stop.  If it doesn’t there has to be someway that I can learn to live with it.

I didn’t post this when I finished because I started having much worse vertigo and I couldn’t see the publish button anyway.  I might be able to type by touch but I can’t see that dang little cursor.  This morning things are better. I’m still swaying, things are still a tad off, but it’s better.  In this moment.  that’s the only time I can count on.

Mindfulness Journal

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mindfulness5 Comments

journal

I thought I’d share with you new tool I’ve been using.

I recently read an article over on Buddhaimonia about keeping a mindfulness journal.

He talks a lot about keeping a journal and how to maximize your journal as a mindfulness tool.

There was one suggestion that he made that I thought would help me to not only recognize when I’m being mindful, but also help me to actually be more mindful.

My mindfulness journal includes – 3 Mindful Things Each Day.  Each day I try to write down 3 times during the day that I noticed I was being mindful.  This hasn’t just made me note times I’ve been mindful, but it encourages me to be more mindful.  I’ll be doing something and think, “whoa, take your time and really notice what you are doing, you can note this in your journal later.”  It brings to the surface that I need to be more mindful.  It also helps when I feel I haven’t been very mindful when I can think back over my day and realize, wow, I have been mindful today.   I can increase the number of mindful things journal about if I want, but I’m trying to always note at least 3.

I’ll give you a quick example of one.  I was sitting in the car waiting for Stuart to come out of the store and I started to reach for my phone to keep me company, instead I thought; “this is a great mindful opportunity”.  So I started to really notice all the things around me.  I felt the breeze has it caressed my skin.  I saw it was slightly blowing a sign in the window and making it wave a little, I noticed the reflections in the glass and how the colors change in the reflection from what they look in real life.  I noticed a little bug crawling across the windshield, and watched him on his journey.  I felt the suns warmth, and closed my eyes to really feel the atmosphere around me.  I took note of how my body felt pressed against the seat….   I tried hard not to think about what we would be doing next, I wanted to just be there in that moment as it was.

You can see what I mean, I tried my best to be right there in that moment, instead of distracting myself with my phone.  Because I’m writing these moments down, it makes me remember to do such things more often.  Hopefully, being mindful will become more second nature.

I’ve kept a gratitude journal for a long time.  I write down 3 things I’m grateful for each day.  this is a practice I suggest everyone take the time to do.  It really helps us put in perspective that we have something to be grateful for every day, even on days we don’t feel like it.  (some days when I’m having a really hard day I will realize how grateful I am for running water, having food every day, having a safe place to live….  We can always find things to be grateful for, we just need to remember it.

Do you keep a journal?  Is it specific like mine, or do you wir

 

 

What’s this thing called “Vertigo” anyway?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, vertigo8 Comments
vertigo caught in motion
me during a vertigo attack – photo by w. holcombe

There are different definitions for the word “vertigo” (noun – ver·ti·go \ˈvər-ti-ˌgō\)

Webster’s Dictionary defines vertigo as:
a feeling of dizziness caused especially by being in a very high place

1a : a sensation of motion in which the individual or the individual’s surroundings seem to whirl dizzily
1b : a dizzy confused state of mind

On American Family Physician’s site I found a great article, Dizziness: A Diagnostic Approach.  It describes all kinds of Dizziness, the different causes and treatments.

In it they describe vertigo as : (A) False sense of motion, possibly spinning sensation.

I could go on and give you different definitions, many would be a bit different from others, but the main thing they have in common, one feels as if they are in motion.

Vertigo is not just dizziness, it is a type of dizziness, just as lightheadedness, and disequilibrium are but it is more than what most people consider dizziness.

Vertigo is the sense of motion.  Most often it includes seeing a spinning sensation, it also include other feelings of motion including, a sense of falling, rising or being jerked in one direction.  These are not encountered as often as rotational vertigo. (Understanding Vertigo and What to do if you have it. – The Washington Post – 2014)

I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you, as best I can, how vertigo feels to me.

I have rotational vertigo (seeing my surrounding spin around), and motion vertigo (I often feel like I’m moving when I’m not.  I will feel like I’m suddenly free-falling, or being jerked around.)

The best way I know to describe rotational vertigo is to give you an example most people understand.  Remember when you were a kid and you used to spin around and around until you fell down seeing the world spin around you, (if you don’t remember this, or have a loved one with vertigo, I encourage you to do it now to have a sample of what we see).  Now that you have that image, imagine seeing that but it doesn’t stop.  When you just spin around the spinning sensation stops in a few seconds, for me it can last a few minutes to a few days.  The average is about 4 hours.  When I have this type of vertigo attack I often get very sick.  Imagine motion sickness times 1000.  I will throw up for hours, it can get so violent that I will lose control of every bodily function.  It is horrific.

I used to have other motion vertigo every once in a while, now it comes much more often.  I often feel like I’m in motion when I’m not.  I’ll feel like I’m on a boat, I’ll even feel like I’m walking around while I’m sitting still.  In the past year I’ve started having vertigo that makes me feel like I’m being thrown around the room (the first time this happened I thought I was dying, after an Ambulance ride and spending over 9 hours in the Emergency Room I was told this is a different form of vertigo.  (freaky)  I’ve also started having feelings as if I’m free-falling, I can only imagine it’s how one would feel if they stepped into an open elevator shaft.  This is one of the most frightening things in I’ve encountered.

Rotational Vertigo is not always at the same speed.  Sometimes I see my surroundings spinning by in just a blur, during these attacks I always get sick.  This will include hours of vomiting and sometimes I will lose all control of my bodily functions.  It’s horrific.  Other times my surrounds will spin by at a much slower rate.  After having rotational vertigo for so long many of my attacks are not as horrific.  I don’t panic now.  I will stay as calm as possible and just watch the world spin by, mostly I’m really bored.  This is the time when my mindfulness practice really comes in handy.

I’ve learned if I focus on something about 12 – 18 inches from me I often don’t see things go by quite as fast.  If the spinning isn’t too fast I will watch TV reading the captions.  For some reason if I concentrate on the captions the vertigo slows down.  This does not happen if I try to read anything else, that just makes me sicker.

I used to throw up no matter what.  I may have mentioned this before, maybe not, but I’ve had 2 doctors tell me that if medicinal marijuana were legal they’s prescribe it for me.  So I’ve tried it to see how it helps.  I can honestly say that I believe it has stopped me from going to the ER many times for dehydration.  It stops me from throwing up.  That is amazing to me.  I very rarely throw up now.   It can also calm down an attack if I use it fast enough.  (if you’d like to know more about how I use this to help, feel free to ask, I will say that I never feel high, I use very little, just enough to help me.)

Now, do you understand more about what Vertigo is and what my vertigo feels like?

If you suffer from vertigo, do you have similar experiences or is your experience different?

The Fay Farm CBD Muscle Rub – Review and Give Away!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Pain18 Comments

fay farm 1

“This is a sponsored post for The Fay Farm CBD Warming Muscle Rub. I have been compensated through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. All opinions remain my own and I was in now way influenced by the company.”

I’ve never had a review or give away on my blog before, but when The Fay Farm asked me to try their Warming CBD Muscle Rub I thought, “Hey, that sounds really interesting!  I bet my readers would love it.”

The rub was created by the co-owner for his mother who has Rheumatoid Arthritis, he told me that has allowed her to sleep through the night.  I thought that was pretty cool, and so very nice.

I received my package a little over a month ago and I’ve been giving the Warming CBD Muscle Rub a try.  I had been out for a bit the day I got the package and my neck was causing me a lot of pain, so I decided to try it out right away.  I was very shocked when I put it on and the pain got better.  Did it go away?  No.  But it got better!  That’s a big thing for me.

I have degenerative discs in my neck, it has really been acting up lately and the pain from it has been more intense than normal.  The pain is sharp, burning, stinging; all kinds of fun.  It also causes the muscles surrounding that area to become very tense, of course intensifying the pain.  The rub worked very well on the muscle pain, the pain right at the discs bit.

CBD oil is a key ingredient in cannabis (marijuana). Unlike THC (the ingredient in cannabis that gets you “high”), CBD does not cause a ‘high’. While this makes CBD a poor choice for recreational users, it gives the chemical a significant advantage as a medicine.  CBD can come from regular cannabis plants or plants harvested for hemp.  The CBD oil that comes from hemp is legal. The CBD oil that comes from regular cannabis plants is not legal in most states.  The CBD oil found in The Fay Farm Warming Muscle Rub is hemp oil.  Read more about Hemp Oil, here.

The organic ingredients are Sunflower, castor, herb- infused olive oil, beeswax, shea butter, menthol, camphor, 50mg CBD oil, cayenne pepper, arnica, essntial oils of rosemary, eucalyptus, peppermint, ginger, cassia, and clove.

From the ingredients I saw that most have some properties that can help relieve pain, like arnica and the cayenne pepper, ect.  I’ve tried Arnica and things like Icy Hot, Capsacium cream or Tiger Balm… and thought they didn’t help as much as this CBD Muscle Rub..  During the past month I’ve tried Arnica and Tiger Balm again just to make sure, and yes The Fay Farm’s Warming CBD Muscle Rub does help me more than either of those.  I even tried my prescription Voltaren Gel and felt the warming CBD rub helped more. I can really smell the cloves and other essential oils.  Some might find the smell a bit strong, but I found it much more pleasant than things like Icy Hot.  (I have to note here, I’m very sensitive to smells, this is a bit strong to me, but it isn’t artificial or really stinky, I haven’t had a problem with it.  Hubby says it’s a light sent, he also agrees it’s not offensive.  We both kinda like the smell.)

fay farm open

The rub is softer in viscosity than I thought it would be just looking at it. I thought it would have the consistency of petroleum jelly, but it is softer, smoother.  When I first got it I put my fingers in to get some and I got a lot more than I intended.    Now that I know the consistency it is very easy for me to use.  I’m glad it doesn’t come in a tube because I never feel like I get all of the ingredients out of a tube, and if I happen to get too much on my finger I just scrape my finger over the side and put it back in the tin.  You can’t do that with a tube.

Will it work for you, well only you can decide that, and since you are one of my readers you can receive 10% off your entire order and free shipping (in the U.S. only) by mentioning “Picnic” or “Ants” in the comments when you order you products!  (When you add everything you want in your basket, just add ‘picnic’ or ‘ants’ in the comment section of the order form and you will get 10% off.)  Yes, you get to take 10% off your whole order, not just CBD products, and the offer doesn’t expire.  How cool is that??

fay farm 3

 

They sent me a normal size and 2 sample sizes so I thought I’d share with 2 of you.  I’m giving away two (2) .5 oz sample containers of The Fay Farm’s Warming CBD Muscle Rub.  If you’d like to receive one of them, just leave me a comment and I’ll randomly pick the 2 names. (if you’d like to leave a comment but don’t want to enter, please let me know) That’s all there is to it.  You have until April 29th to enter and I’ll announce the winner on May 1st.  (sorry but this give away is only available to those in the continental US.)

I’ll also send the winners an email.  Do not leave your email in your comment, I will get it from the information you supplied the first time you made a comment.  If you don’t get an email, you can always check back here.

If I do not hear from the winners by May  6th, alternate winners will be picked.

I hope you enjoy the rub as much as I have, or more!

 

I Give Myself Permission to …

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Invisable Illness11 Comments

I’ve been participating in a Chronic Pain and Illness photo project.  I participated in the same group last year, you can see those photos on these posts: Chronic Pain/Illness Photo Project, Chronic Pain/Illness Photo Project 2015 Week 2 , and Chronic Pain/Illness Photo Project 2015 Week 3.  This year I’m sharing a few photos here and there, not the whole project.

I’d love to hear your take on this topic.  What do you give yourself permission to???

Today – I give myself permission to Cry.

My x-rays showed more degeneration in my neck. C5-C6
The pain is intense. It just hit me that this is only going to get worse. The pain will always be there.

My father is in the hospital. I can’t go. I can’t ever go.

Today I give myself permission to cry.

(photo taken today, I manipulated it with photoshop, but the tear is real.)

crying

Grief and Acceptance

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Invisable Illness19 Comments

When people think of grief they often think of death, they don’t think about grieving over other significant losses.  Those of us who have had major losses due to chronic illness know all too well that we grieve those losses.

The five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” are: Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Anger, and Acceptance.  Kübler-Ross describes these stages as being progressive, you needed to resolve one stage before moving on to the next.  This is no longer thought to be true.  It is accepted that most people who have loss go through states of grief but it is not linear nor is it finite.

The The British Journal of Psychiatry Nov 2008, published a study on grief and acceptance.  The authors note that “disbelief, yearning, anger and sadness may represent aspects of a single underlying psychological construct – grief.” “Grief and its associated features may largely reflect an emotional inability to accept the loss of something cherished.” “Acceptance, by contrast, may represent emotional equanimity – a sense of inner peace and tranquility that comes with the letting go of a struggle to regain what is lost or being taken away.”

Eckhart Tolle Quote

Often people think of acceptance as being okay with what happened.  That is not the case. Most people never feel completely okay about a great loss.  Acceptance is about accepting a new reality. This is the way life is now, it is the new norm, our lives have been forever changed and we must adjust accordingly.  At first finding acceptance could be just having more good days than bad.  We can never replace what has been lost.  However, we must listen to our needs; we change, we evolve, we accept.

Once you have reached a good level of acceptance this doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad again.  We are constantly reminded of our losses, when these reminders arise we can find ourselves feeling grief again.  It’s at these times that our acceptance is most helpful.  We may feel our losses, but we know there is life after.

I accepted my losses long ago, however, feelings of grief do come flooding back from time to time, especially if I lose something else.  When one is chronically ill, we often find we lose more things as time goes on, even when those losses have nothing to do with our illness it can bring back all the emotions from our previous losses.

For example, in the last 2 years I’ve had a number of new losses.  We had to move because my husband found a job in a new city.  This move caused me to lose my home, my neighbors, more friends, and my doctors.  Then a new diagnosis that causes more pain and loss of range of motion was another huge loss.  The losses just seemed to keep adding up.  I have more grief that I have to work through.  Simply because we dealt with our previous losses does not mean our new losses hurt less, or that we don’t need to grieve.  However, it does mean that we now know that acceptance will help us deal with our losses, and give us the ability to move on.

I should point out here that prolonged intense grief can produce a physical or Prolonged Grief Disorder.  “Prolonged grief disorder require bereaved individuals to have severe levels of yearning, and five of the following nine symptoms for ≥6 months post-loss: disbelief and bitterness over the loss, confusion about one’s identity, an inability to trust others, numbness … and feeling that life is empty and meaningless since the loss, difficulty accepting the loss and moving on with life, and feeling stunned by the loss.” (Holly G. Prigerson, Paul K. Maciejewski – The British Journal of Psychiatry Nov 2008)
  Based on numerous findings of maladaptive effects of prolonged grief, diagnostic criteria for Prolonged Grief Disorder have been proposed for inclusion in the DSM-5 and ICD-11. 
There is a great article at Psych Central on the 5 Stages of Loss and Grief, here you can also find a quiz to help you decide if you are suffering from complicated grief.
If you feel you are suffering from complicated grief I urge you to seek professional help.  It can get better.

I didn’t expect…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness17 Comments

Sometimes you wake up and think it’s going to be a great day, and it isn’t.  Sunday was that kind of day for me.

First thing I cuddled with hubby when I woke and had a silly dog jumping on us all excited and playing, so waking up was loving and fun.  Soon that changed.

I’m not sure what the first thing was but the day became full of petty little arguments and bad feelings.  We would disagree, apologize then something else would happen and we’d disagree again, or we were just very short with each other.  I know I spent most of the day in a huff, or tears.

I tried to talk about what was discussed in my last therapy session….loss….and I got very emotional (read sobbing like a baby).  He did not react like I wanted.  Notice what I said, I felt he was in the wrong because he didn’t behave like I wanted, like I expected him to.  So who’s at fault there?  I think that would be me.  We aren’t hurt by people, we are hurt by our expectations of people.  And I think that is how the rest of day kind of played out.  We didn’t act the way the other person wanted, or expected and that caused bad feelings.

equanimity 6

This can happen with anyone.  If I admit it, that is what happened when I felt abandoned by my friends when I got sick.  I was so hurt, so angry, they didn’t react the way I expected.  This caused all my unhappiness.  That is why I was so hurt.  My friends did not react the way I expected.  What did I expect?  Visits, talks, help, I expected this and more.  People aren’t always going to do what we expect.  It doesn’t make them bad people.  We don’t know the reasons.  Perhaps my illness brought back bad memories, or fear over their own health,   Some people simply don’t know how to be a friend during these times or they don’t really want to be.  We have to accept this.  More than anything we need to understand that the hurt comes from our expectations, not from the people.  Does that make it hurt less?  Sometimes.  When a person I’ve loved for years and years disappeared after I got sick, it hurt.  It hurts more when I know I was there for the person when they needed me.  However, their need ended, there is no end in sight for my needs.  I will always be different than I used to be.  That’s a hard thing for any relationship to endure.  We loose relationships for a number of reasons, we fight, we move, we change jobs….  Not all relationships stay in our lives.  Things change.  We can look at friends we’ve lost since our illness took hold and think, “they showed their true colors”, “they weren’t real friends”… The truth is, they aren’t what we expected them to be and it is that expectation that causes us pain.

I can hear some of you saying, “They abandoned me, shouldn’t I be hurt?”  I’m not saying it won’t hurt, what I’m saying is, we often bring more hurt upon ourselves than is needed.  We have to let it go.  Did the fact that they are no longer in our lives negate all the good times we had?  I hope not.  It changes how we will interact with them in the future.  We’ve changed, they have changed, the relationship changed.  That change may be that it is over.  It may be that the relationship becomes something different from what it was before, we have to decide if it is worth it.  We can have bad feelings about this, but it is our decision whether to hold on to these feelings or let them go.  I try hard to let them go, to find equanimity.  Do I always succeed?  NO.  Sometimes the hurt comes back to the surface, I think that’s a part of grief.  But now I can sit back and think, why is this bothering me so much?  I always come back to the same thing, I want it to be different than it is.  My wants are causing me harm.

Not everyone has to understand what I’m going through, and not everyone has to be there for me.  It is a great feat to be able to accept a person for how they are, even when they let you down.  I’ve decided to let go of the past relationships that didn’t work.  I work on relationships with people who understand my limitations and are willing to work on our relationship the way it is now.  I don’t have many friends from before.  I have made a number of friends on-line since I’ve gotten sick, and lost my hearing.  Due to my limitations, I haven’t been able to make friends outside of the house, maybe that will happen in the future, but I’m okay with that.  I will continue to nurture the relationships I have and focus on these things.

When I got sick most of my friends were starting a family.  I had many friends who were pregnant at the same time the year before I got really sick.  Keeping up with me kind of went by the wayside.  They had a new life, one that would have been new if I were sick or not.  Our friendships would have changed.  Would they have survived if I hadn’t gotten sick?  Probably, at least for longer than they did.  Things changed.  I could no longer nurture the relationships the way I had before, my friends couldn’t find a way to bend to my new limitations.  Is there hard feelings?  I’d lie if I said they aren’t ever there, but for the most part, I’ve found peace with this.  Realizing that my pain comes from me, makes it easier to have equanimity in this situation.

Something else I noticed, when I tried to attend a few gatherings with my friends after I’d been sick for a while, I realized, I had nothing to say.  I used to be a social butterfly, always being able to have conversations with anyone.  After getting sick my world shrank, I rarely go out other than go to the doctors.  My friends still worked, ran around with their kids, and had rich social lives; my life revolves around my health.  That doesn’t give us much to talk about.  I wanted to hear all about their lives, but I had nothing to contribute to the conversations.  I was uncomfortable, and I made others uncomfortable.  Conversations were forced.  We had changed.  The fact that our friendships didn’t survive doesn’t mean either of us are bad people, we grew apart, as many people do.  When you become chronically ill to the point that your life changes so dramatically, it forces all of your relationships to change in a very short period of time.  Suddenly I didn’t have hardly anything in common with my core group of friends.  Normally if relationships change it takes time,  If you lose a relationship it doesn’t normally come in a mass exodus.  That is exactly what happens to many who are chronically ill.  We don’t see this as a natural progression in a relationship, we see this as abandonment.  It hurts much more than when you lose one friend because of something, you are suddenly losing many friends.  When I realized things change no matter what, and I will never know just how they would have changed without me getting sick, it helps me accept these things.

I realize now how much relationships change no matter what, and how much we need to nurture a relationship to keep it alive.  I hope this helps me to be a better friend and find compassion for others and myself when dealing with changing relationships.

 

Equanimity Quotes

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness6 Comments

I am in constant search for equanimity.

The quotes on this page remind me what equanimity means and how to cultivate it.

equanimity

toni bernhard equanimity quote

equanimity quote 2tonibernhard.comquote

equanimity quote 3 equanimity quote 4 equanimity quote 5 equanimity quote expect

 

Finding equanimity when chronically ill can be a challenge.

How do you find an inner calm while being chronically ill?

Out Of The Darkness

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness13 Comments
abstract 2 (1)
In the Swirl, by w. holcombe

I have Bipolar I, that means that I have the highs (mania) and the lows (depression) that go with Bipolar.  I’ve been mostly stable for the past 20 years.  However, for over 2 years I’ve been fighting depression pretty hard.  I’ve been on different medications, but I was not feeling better.  I kept thinking it was everything that was happening in my life.  Having vertigo almost every day, losing more of my independence, moving so hubby could have a job after being laid off for over a year, having to have my hip replaced due to Avascular Necrosis, well you get the picture.

I saw a new psychiatrist last month, he took me off of one antidepressant that obviously wasn’t working and put me on another medication.  It is like a veil lifted from over me, the darkness has given way to light.  I no longer cry every day.  I’m feeling hopeful. I feel like me.  OK, now I’m going to cry, from from relief and happiness.

My new psychiatrist told me something interesting, he said that often later in life a person with Bipolar I doesn’t have as many highs they have more depression. (I’m 52, I’ve shown signs of Bipolar since I was a child.)  So he so he decided to put me on a drug that is for Bipolar Depression.  The drug is is “a psychiatric medication that belongs to the class of drugs called atypical antipsychotics. It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances in the brain.”  It has been a month and I’m amazed at how much better I feel.  Even when things have happened that would have upset me, I’ve handled it with ease.  How cool is that?

I’m so very grateful that someone and something was able to help.

I haven’t mentioned the names of any of the drugs because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advertising for it.  If you want to know, I’ll be happy to tell you in a comment.

today is a good day.

one moment at a time.