Sending the wrong message??

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness8 Comments
Illustration New England Boating
Illustration New England Boating

I started this blog because I needed it.

I needed to put a voice to my illnesses.  To help me get through.

I continued this blog because I felt it helped others.  It helped them to know they were not alone.  It helped to know that just because you have a chronic illness it doesn’t mean your life is over.   I thought I was sending a message that said, yes, this is all a part of me and I’m alright with that.  I have multiple chronic illnesses, some are invisible, some are not so invisible.   I work very hard not to dwell how my life has had to change because of my illnesses, I strive to focus on how happy my life is now.

I wanted to help others realize that their lives can be pretty darn great too.

Recently, it has been pointed out to me that I have failed.

Not only have I not succeeded in showing people I am satisfied with my life, I have failed in helping others realize they can be happy with their life after chronic illness hits.

This blog has never been all about the sunshine and roses part of the chronic illness world.  I do talk about every part of my life.  The good, the bad, and the very ugly parts.  I don’t hide.  I don’t want people who are ill to think they have to hide.   I’m beginning to think I may be wrong about that.  I hope not.

The past year….plus….has been extremely difficult for me.  I have had a lot of physical and mental challenges on both the home front and with my health issues.   Of course, these challenges have come across in my blog.  Every time I’ve written about a challenge, anything from my husband losing his job, to my increased vertigo attacks, I have tried to write each entry not just with pure emotion but with simple facts.  This is what is happening, this is how we are dealing with it…ect.   And I always try to end on a positive note.  After all, I really do not feel negative about everything that has happened.   Things happen to people, why should I be so different?   This is my life, illnesses and all.  Life is a gift, I’ll take mine the way it was given and I’ll make the most of it…..I’m learning how as I go.

Someone recently told me that my blog is a place I go to vent.  I agree, I do vent on here, sometimes.  I never thought that was all that I did.  I just went through ALL of my post from January 2013 until now, and I have to admit, if you just look at the surface, most of them do seem like they are simply me venting about what is going on.  Ironically, the past few months many of my posts have not been that kind of post.  I’ve had plenty to vent about, and have posted about some things that I feel were very important…things that should be “vented” about.  However, I’ve also written some pretty light-hearted posts.

I was also told recently that I can be a bit negative.  Well, not in those exact words, it was more like….people don’t want to hear negative things all the time…  I agree.   I didn’t think I was a negative person.  At least not all the time.  Recently, I have had some things to post about that needed to be talked about in a negative manner, for example, when a doctor treats you improperly.  Over all, I believe I have a more positive outlook about my life than negative.   It saddens me if that does not come across.

Today, I wrote someone in my family an email.  I hadn’t written in a while and apologized upfront, explaining that I had been having a rough month physically, but wasn’t going to talk about that and it was no excuse for not writing….then proceeded to write the email informing her of some positive things that were going on.  I soon got a reply telling me how UPBEAT I sounded, and how she hoped I felt as good as I sounded…..ect.   I was confused.  I did mention in the first sentence that my health had been bad this past month, but all she heard was the UPBEAT tone.   hmmmm.  Do I normally sound like a sourpuss?

All of this, combined with a lot of soul-searching lately has made me wonder, am I doing any good here?

Yes, I started this blog just to help me….it was a private blog in the beginning, just a journal.

However, as I learned to accept living with my illnesses I felt my blog blossom into something much more.  I felt it was touching others.  I wanted to help other people know they aren’t alone, and you can have a great life.   (Even if you have a lot of bad days.)

Let’s face it, it is easier to write when I’m having a hard time.  When I’m feeling great, I’m too busy trying to live every day the best I can!  On the bad days, I know my friends are here.

 

So I have a poll for you

 

 

I’m Perfect.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness4 Comments
by w. holcombe
by w. holcombe

 

“Life is simple.

Everything happens for you, not to you.

Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late.

You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.”

― Byron Katie

 

 

“On a deeper level you are already complete.  

When you realize that, there is joyous energy behind what you do.” 

— Eckhart Tolle

“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle – See more at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-i-know-theres-nothing-wrong-with-you-or-me/#sthash.nD2LjiuD.dpuf
“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle – See more at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-i-know-theres-nothing-wrong-with-you-or-me/#sthash.nD2LjiuD.dpuf
“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle – See more at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-i-know-theres-nothing-wrong-with-you-or-me/#sthash.nD2LjiuD.dpuf
“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle – See more at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-i-know-theres-nothing-wrong-with-you-or-me/#sthash.nD2LjiuD.dpuf
“On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do.” ~Eckhart Tolle – See more at: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-i-know-theres-nothing-wrong-with-you-or-me/#sthash.nD2LjiuD.dpuf

Living in This Moment

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease5 Comments
drawing by w. holcombe
drawing by w. holcombe

A train of thought post.  One thought moving to the next…..

A chronic illnesses can shake your foundation, it can make you question everything…..

  • “Can I really live this life that has been handed to me?”
  • You question…..”Why, is this happening to me?”
  • You think….”I just want my life back….”
  • You create a story….”My life would be better if only….”

In the very harshest moments, the fear takes over.

What if this doesn’t get “better”?  What if it doesn’t end?  What if I’m always like this?

This has been going around my head for the past two weeks.  The symptoms are not getting better.  Are the side-effects from the medication making it even worse?   Dealing with vertigo, and dealing with the side-effects from steroids are, mind b-o-g-g-l-i-n-g.  My brain will not keep still, no matter how hard I try.  BREATHE   I keep telling myself.  JUST BREATHE   I’m jumpy, nervous, anxious, scared….and I’m so woozy, dizzy, sea-sick…..

BREATHE

IN

OUT

BREATHE

ahhhh, just a little.

NO, NO…don’t move your head.  You would think after two weeks I would know I can’t move my head.   I guess that’s an over-statement.  I can move my head, just very, very slowly.  Still, I feel as if the room moves with me.  The unsteadiness is disconcerting, and is causing the bile to rise in my throat.   BREATHE.   It is just a MOMENT.

Stay in this moment.

Do not think about the next moment.

Stay here…right here.  In the NOW.

 

I was thinking.   I’ve been thinking a lot recently, probably way too much.   I have been through a lot of medical tests, procedures…..ect….in my life.  I’ve broken bones, had major surgeries, I have dealt with pain, a lot of pain.   When I have been undergoing a test or treatment and it is very painful my medical team will often ask if it is “tolerable”?   I have only said “no”, once.   And I soon went back to that test and finished it.   The thought that it will end, makes it tolerable to me.  It will only last a moment.  I’m in that moment.  I know this will end.  I can handle anything for a moment.

Why is it different now?   The pain is not “worse”.  The vertigo is not “worse”.

It is the MOMENT.

I cannot stay in the moment.  My mind has jumped to the story….”What if this doesn’t end?”  The moment is not just a moment.  But wait!  Every moment ENDS.  Each moment is different!

Look….the moment you just read that is different from this one.  It just is.   You couldn’t predict it.  It is different from this moment and will be different from the next.

If there is one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, nothing is permanent.

Everything changes.

Each moment is a moment.

It is not the past, or the next.  it is not better or worse…it just IS.

it is the moment.  and I can handle any moment.  After all, it’s just a moment.

It is the moment I have.

I will live in this MOMENT.

 

 

 

An Expedition – Part 2 “A Look Inside. What did I learn?”

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

 

Courage1
by W. Holcombe

 

After listening to myself, I decided I should stop trying to figure things out when a vertigo attack starts.  It doesn’t help.

 

I can’t stop a vertigo attack.

If I try to figure things out during an attack I’m creating more angst for myself.  This is already an extremely stressful situation, adding to it does not help.  The best thing I can do for me during an attack is to try to stay as calm as possible, and ride it out.   Stay safe and take care of me.

It is now a week later, I’ve had time to look back, and think about things:

  • I noticed I was feeling antsy, anxious, even a bit manic.
  • I literally had the feeling of shaking inside. A physical reaction.
  • When I started out to get in the car I lost my footing and felt unsteady.
  • At the store I noticed the noise was too loud.
  • We planned to go for a short trip, but once we got there I decided to stay longer.
  • I had to stop more than once because I needed to get focused.  (I needed to focus my eyes on something still.)
  • I was irritable.
  • People were annoying me.
  • When I couldn’t hear Stuart I got annoyed.
  • The irritability got worse as my focus got worse.
  • When we were in the can goods aisle I noticed that I felt things may be moving.   *** It wasn’t until this step that I really noticed that I was having to refocus on things and that I was feeling annoyed and irritated.  

That’s a lot of things I could have picked up on.  Or is it?

For the past, almost year now, I’ve had a very hard time leaving the house for anything other than doctor’s appointments.  Yes, I’m a bit agoraphobic.  I think it’s understandable.  There’s a real possibility that when I go out I will have a vertigo attack, an asthma attack, lose my balance and fall, ect….   I feel safe at home.   This doesn’t mean I don’t go out.  It means I’m afraid when I do.  Sometimes, the fear wins, and I stay home.   Yes, that’s alright with me.   I’m still able to do go out and do something enjoyable now and then.  I work on it, but I still don’t want to take a lot of unnecessary risks.

Because of this fear, this sometimes paralyzing fear, I did not sit back and really analyze the anxiety I was feeling before we left, or the anxiety I was feeling in the store.  I was proud of myself for going!  I was proud that I got out of the car and went in the store!  I was proud of myself for feeling like I didn’t have to run from the store screaming!   So, not picking up on the anxiety being anything more than “normal”….understandable.

So I ask again.  What did I learn?

First, I did learn I need to think before I leave.  Listen to my body!

Is this feeling because of my fear of leaving or something else?

This time, it was mostly due to the fact that I had been put on a course of steroids and I was having a reaction I had not had before.  Yep.  I’ve heard many people tell me you can have these symptoms while on steroids, I simply haven’t had them before.  However, I was on a short pack of high dose steroids to break a month-long migraine.  It worked on the migraine.  That’s also why I was feeling a bit “manic”, and physically jumpy inside.   The physical jumpy feeling should have been a big clue.

Second, I learned that I do not do Big Box stores well.

Even if I had not been taking steroids, I was not focusing well in the store.  The tall aisles, with the repeating merchandise…..over and over….  The way the noise travels in the store….all of this, simply, is not good for me.  I learned this is a trigger for me.

Would it have helped to understand this during the attack?  NO!

Will this knowledge prevent future attacks?  Maybe

A person who has Meniere’s Disease is at the mercy of a vertigo attack.  A vertigo attack cannot be predicted.  It simply can’t.   Sometimes we have little clues that it may be starting, sometimes we don’t, but never can we predict it.   Nor can we stop it.   It is not our fault if it happens.  No matter what we do.  We can avoid our triggers to try to decrease the attacks.  We can take care of ourselves to try to make it easier to handle.  But we must remember we cannot blame ourselves.

I can never be in control.

 

An Expedition – One Mile From Home

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

I was feeling good on…oh what day is it now?   It was on Thursday…yes, that’s right.  We needed a couple of things from the store, and since I had been doing better, I decided to join Stuart on the expedition.

I was so proud of myself, I had been going downstairs pretty much every day, I had taken 3 baths! (for those who know, that’s a big deal for me, I’m terrified of having a vertigo attack in the bath)  I felt I had made strides.  I was feeling good about them.  Yet, I was feeling jumpy, a bit rough around the edges, but thought it was just nerves, and anxiety about doing more.   I even noticed that I was feeling a bit, shall I dare say, manic.  It wasn’t full-blown, I even told Stuart, if I didn’t feel ill I would be feeling really, really good!  It was odd.  A jittery sort of odd.  But I felt BETTER!  I even got up and put make-up on…and everything.  I realized I haven’t paid much attention to me in a long time.   I want that to change.  So….I did what I could to head out with my husband.

As we started to leave I got a little antsy and started not to go.  Just felt like my footing wasn’t right.  It took me a minute, a few deep breaths, but I was dong so well, we decided to just go pick up the 2 things at Walmart because it’s just ONE MILE from my house.  That way if I started feeling bad, we could get home quicker.  That was a good plan.  Just this little shopping center a mile from the house, I can do that!!

When we arrived I was doing well so we wandered a bit.  Then we went down a row of canned goods.  They all decided to just roll down the aisle a bit with me.  I stopped, focused down to the basket, concentrated, calmed myself and was steady again.   I told Stuart that I thought we needed to leave.  He, of course, was more than agreeable to get out of there, but we got to the line and the first few were FULL….I was feeling anxious, nervous, and a bit claustrophobic.  Suddenly, the bitch came out!

Stuart:  “It’s going to be a while.”  Me:  “NO, there’s a shorter line right down there!”  He goes toward it, I am looking at the next line, someone jumps in the line I’m looking in and he jumps out of his line.  I’m fussing, “What are you doing?”  He’s telling me he didn’t know what I wanted….ect.  I just needed OUT.  I was getting more and more anxious even though I wasn’t “feeling” worse.  I wanted things to not be as they were!!  (not a good thing, I should have just calmed down, taken stock of what was going on…probably unplugged my CI’s because the noise was getting to me, and taken some meds…..but instead, I reacted, poorly.  And now I’m wondering if I don’t always do that when this is happening?

Stop! Yeah…..you, Stop the story!  

What?   Who’s that?    Oh….it’s me talking to me….what have I done now?????

You are not telling it right.  Just tell it.  Don’t analyze.  You are telling part of the story you shouldn’t even know that yet.  You are already asking.  “What did I do?, Why did this happen?, What caused it? Why didn’t I notice the signs?”…. so   STOP.  Now….just tell the story, then after it’s over, maybe you can look back and see if there were things you missed, triggers that you didn’t notice, anything that might help, but now…..STOP, it’s self blame for something you have no control over!!!!

OK……I guess I should listen to me.   So….the rest of this story….have I completely screwed it up so far?  Should I start over?   eh….I’m way too gone to think of things again.  I’ll just tell what happened next….  So where was I????

We took our stuff to the car.  I wanted to go to another store that was in the same shopping center, so I mentioned that it would take just a minute to see if they had what I wanted.  Stuart kindly said, “or we could come back tomorrow….”   Bitch attack again!!   “Do you realize how much more that would take out of me?  It takes so much for me to come out and we are right here…..”  and I stop!  In mid-rant.  What the heck?   I was so sorry.  I was aggravated, but there was no reason for me to act like that.  I was so agitated!  Then I was so remorseful.   I couldn’t believe I just went off on him because he was trying to be thoughtful.   So, apologies flew from me, and we prepared to drive over to the other little store.   We backed out of the parking place….drove down the lane….and

walmart vertigo
photo manipulation by W. Holcombe

This Happened!

“Can you please pull the car over?”

Stuart – “What? Now?”

Me – “I need you to stop the car now please!  I need a shot!!!”   (let me explain about the shot.  Because I have migraines so bad I have a prescription for Phenergan shots.  This normally helps stop a vertigo attack faster than anything else, so I keep some with me at all times.)  I also took Valium at the time.

Yes, that’s when the attack started.  We were driving out of the parking lane, and got close to the end and WHOOSH, the world spun!   (the little snapshot above does not do the motion justice!)  I felt like my head was being thrown around in the car.   Stuart got the shot in me fast!  Suddenly things slowed, then they just went crazy again!  I was stuck huddled in the car for an hour, just trying so hard to hold it together.   Nothing was stopping this attack.   My darling husband spent all this time talking to me, trying to say anything to just keep my mind off of what was going on.  And trying to keep me as comfortable as possible.  I am grateful the vomiting didn’t start in the car, but I was so SICK!  Spinning…spinning….ohhhhhh.

Finally, I asked Stuart to try to move the car a little.  At first I couldn’t stand it, then I just knew I had to get home.  Things were bad and I had to feel safer.  As I mentioned, we live ONE MILE from this store.  He drove home, slowly.  He told me every little turn, every bump that was going to happen…everything.

We got home, he got me in the house.  I collapsed on the couch and started to vomit.   I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I also lost control of my bladder.  But I was safe.  And the attack got better.   The severe spinning subsided.  But I didn’t sleep, I was so jumpy!

After an attack it’s normal to simply pass out from exhaustion and sleep for a long time.  I was still so jumpy and antsy.  I was miserable.

I’ve had a long past few days.   I haven’t had one moment since this attack where I felt my head was steady.  Am I having full-blown vertigo all the time, no.  But, if I move my head….well, let’s just not move my head!   I can only sleep on one side, if I turn over I have vertigo.  I’m a mess.

So this is part 1 of this saga.

As my inner self decided to step in above, I think I’ll take a little time and reflect on this.  Think about what happened, and what I learned.

Next Post…… A Look Inside:  So what did I learn?

Being Honest

On By WendyIn Chronic IllnessLeave a comment

From a Meniere’s Warrior….She speaks here things I think….

Amanda's avatarMeniere's Warrior

The people who love us Meniereans tell us to be ourselves. “You can always be your true self around me.” “You don’t have to hide anything from me”. At first is seems very sweet and endearing and then suddenly it turns in to a load of crap. While our loved ones want us to be honest about how we are feeling – when you have had Meniere’s Disease for eight years – they are sick of hearing you bitch about it. We all may as well be honest. They perceive us as having a perpetual pity party and think, why the hell can’t you just accept it already? Consciously they read this and probably feel appalled or angry by what I am writing. Sure, consciously they want us to be mad when we are mad, be sad when we are sad, be happy when we are happy. The problem is…

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Hey Doc, You are Fired!!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health11 Comments

you're Fired

Small note…I started this post on Friday, April 18th.  I updated it today.  It’s a bit long, sorry.  I apologize if it is a little bit jumbled, my head is in that frame of mind right now.  Trying to get everything in, and just now knowing where to stop.  As normal, there may be grammar, typo’s and all kinds of mistakes, if it’s too much, just let me know.  But you may get a long letter back.  : )

After much toil and trouble trying to get help from my psychiatrist, it’s time to give up and move on!

Hey Doc, You’re Fired!

I wonder if firing a doctor makes them understand much, after all, they still have a job, but they don’t have me as a patient any more. If she continues to treat patients the way she has treated me, I don’t see how her new practice is going to survive!  Also, where I’m concerned, she will be told why she no longer has me as a patient, maybe it will bring some understanding.  I’m sure part of this is my issue, but some professionalism must be maintained between a doctor and patient.

From my last post you may remember that I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday, April 9th.  (This was after a month of trying to get my medication straight and get an appointment to see her.  All of that after having side-effects from a medication that I should never have been put on.  She did not look at the medications I had been prescribed by other doctors.  If this had happened, and we had discussed this, I would not have been prescribed a medication that interacted with my other medications.)   On the 9th, we discussed my medication, and I discussed the fact that I felt the need to start an emergency plan in case I was going to hurt myself because I was having many thoughts and desires of doing just that.  I really felt this was not taken seriously, perhaps because my husband is with me most of the time, and cares for me?  I don’t know, I do know I left the office wondering why that was just brushed off.  One reason she may have thought I didn’t need more discussion on this is because I was taking precautions.  I had my husband lock away all of my medication and only dispense them as they are prescribed.  I had him looking for more clues, other than just me balled up on the floor falling into an abyss.  Yes, I was cycling, so on the good swings I was able to try to set an emergency plan in place.  But on the down swings….well, that’s a different matter all together.  However, I cannot stress enough, if you have any mental health issue and feel you may harm yourself, try very hard to make a plan that will help you.  If you want to know more about what I did…please contact me, just look at my About Page.  It may not be everything, but I found it a great help that I knew I was helping myself in some small way even when things were spiraling out of control.

During the latest visit we did make a plan for my medication, but she wanted to talk with my neurologist to make sure the medication she put me on wouldn’t interfere with any other medication she had me on.  Finally, I thought, a Great plan.  She said she should know by Friday, April 11th,  and would be in touch.   That didn’t happen.  My husband called on Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday….and Friday (when he called on Friday the 18th he learned the office was closed for Good Friday).  Each day he only got a recording to leave a message, he never talked to a real person.  I emailed the main office on Wednesday to reiterate that my husband was trying to get in touch, and no one had called him back.  I also made sure they were aware that he is authorized to speak for me, as I cannot talk on the phone.  (This is listed in my files, he has full power of attorney for me.)

My husband also talked with my neurologist.  She said the medication would be fine.  (I’m not sure if the psychiatrist ever actually got in touch with her or not.)   Thursday, April 17th hubby and I talked and decided we would ask my neurologist or general doctor if they would write the prescription for the medication.  Preferably, my neurologist because it is a medication she often prescribes.  (I had already decided I was going to change psychiatrist  but I needed to start the new medication now, who knows when I’ll get an appointment with a new psychiatrist.)

The plan for Friday was to call the psychiatrist first, trying to reach out one more time.  Then call the other doctors mentioned, and to get in touch with my therapist, and hubby’s therapist to see if they might have recommended psychiatrist for me to change to.   However, when hubby called, (as I said earlier) the psychiatrist office was closed for Good Friday.  Yet, she still had not returned any of our calls!  (yes, I am so disappointed in this woman, you have no idea!)  He also called my general doctor, and her office was closed.  He called my neurologist, and she was in!!!  Yay!  She also called in my prescription!  (she was already calling in a prescription for me for steroids to see if we can break this cycle of the killer migraines).  I must say, most of my doctors are WONDERFUL!  I love them, and I know they care about me.

These are just a few of the reasons that I’m firing my psychiatrist, but there is something else that really bothers me about the whole thing.

When I first saw this doctor I had a very good first visit.  It felt right.  Then when I returned for my second visit she seemed to have forgotten everything we talked about.  No, I don’t expect my doctors to remember everything from every visit, but I do expect them to look at my file and be a bit up to date when they walk in the room.  She met me by telling me that she was leaving the practice I was seeing her at, when I was referred to her I was told she was not taking new patients, but since she worked so well with my therapist  she would accept me.  I was conflicted about this because my therapist is with that practice and I like for my doctor and therapist to have a good working relationship.  But I felt very good about the first visit so I decided to follow her to her new practice.  (and when I say new, I mean, they were just starting it, so it’s a big deal for the doctor’s involved.  I realize this has to be a lot for her to deal with, but it shouldn’t be at the neglect of her patients).

Now that I think back on this, it bothers me.  First, it was questioned if she was taking new patients, and she decided to take me on because she likes my therapist so much….ect.   I was thrilled at the time.  Now I think, she should never have taken me on as a new patient when she knew she was leaving that practice.  She had to know, my first and second appointments were only 2 weeks apart.

I know this post is getting a bit long, but I feel I would like to say some good things too.  When I first saw this psychiatrist, I felt validated for the first time in years.  She understood how I couldn’t just exercise…ect.  She seemed to really understand my chronic illness and was willing to work with me.  We discussed that at some points I may have to cancel my appointments on short notice, she understood and set me up special appointments on her planning days, so if I couldn’t come, she wasn’t losing any money.  This plan was still in effect at her new office.  I only had to cancel at her new office ONCE, so I don’t think this should have been an issue; but I don’t really know.  There are 2 other big things that bothered me when she moved.  I have severe asthma.  She put an aromatherapy thing in her office, I could not breathe in there.  I put on my mask and got way to hot and couldn’t stop coughing.  We had to move to the conference room.  I was very uncomfortable there.  We were even interrupted by her husband and that made me feel very odd.  I know it is too much to ask, but after her extreme understanding, or so it seemed, at our first meeting, I kind of expected the smelly thing to be gone from her office when I returned.  I guess she doesn’t have any other patients with scent issues.  One huge thing, as you all know, I have a big problem hearing. this doctor talks very fast.  I ask her often to slow down.  She will apologize and then continue to speak at the same speed.  This is the reason I have to have my husband in my sessions.  I would prefer not to have him in there.  It takes more time, and I feel I’m just spending time going back and forth trying to understand things.

Now, we wait for a bit to see if she will actually return my husband’s calls next week.  If she does, he will explain in detail why we will no longer be in need of her services.  If she doesn’t, I will be writing her a letter.  At this time I’m not sure what other actions I may take.  I do feel doctors should be more responsible for how they treat their patients.  They are in charge of a person’s health.  A mental health provider could the that cog in a person’s life that changes a life forever….or puts it in a delicate balance of life and death.  Am I being overly dramatic here?  I don’t think so.  If I believe my doctor cares and is trying their best to help me, I feel better.  If they ignore me when I have made it clear that I am in a very tenuous state, I feel less like a human.  This is a huge responsibility.

If she calls, we will simply discharge her.  I can understand that she may be way over her head in the new office, that she may have hired the wrong front staff people….ect.  I feel compassion for her about all of this.  There may be extreme circumstances in her own life.  In a business, especially one of this magnitude, extenuating circumstances should have been relayed to the patient and taken care of by another doctor on call.  But she doesn’t even call???  No one called.

So now you know my whole story.

On closing….my therapist got in touch and recommended a new psychiatrist.  We have been in touch, and will see where we are going from here.  I’ll keep you updated on that.

Always remember, we need to be an advocate for ourselves!

If a doctor doesn’t treat you with respect, or if you are just uncomfortable in their care, and you have any way possible, change doctors!  I know some people just can’t do this as easily as I can.  I grew up in a very rural area, I had two choices for a general doctor.  No choices for specialist.  The nearest doctors of choice were over an hour a way.  (this may have been a major reason I was not diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder as early as I might have been.)

Yes, I may have a mental illness, and recently I may have been very depressed because of my medication has not been working properly, but I am a human being.  Oh a better note, I am feeling much better (I know I need to get my medication straight because with Bipolar I Disorder I might feel fine one day and not so much the next).   Doctors still need to take patients seriously.

Yet, I realize that a lot of people will think, “She has a mental illness, is admittedly not stable, she is probably exaggerating about things.”  Or something like that.  I’m lucky I have someone (my husband) who can also help be an advocate for me and explain this is not “all in my head”.   But what if I didn’t?  What if I didn’t have the ability to just change psychiatric doctors?

There needs to be much progress made to help people who need mental health care.  (or health care in general) If they can’t afford it, they are often put on a LONG waiting list to see someone that the state provides.  They have no choice in doctors.  They are often lost in the system.  When you are having mental health issues, trying to navigate the system to be seen at all is extremely hard.  (Yes, I am speaking from experience).   Things need to change.  How can we bring about a change?

I’ve thought and thought on this issue, and I just can’t see how to make things better in this country.  Are the mentally ill meant to live a life of less?

Mental Health care (and general health care) in this country is great….if you can afford it!

Thoughts?  Ideas?  I’d love to hear them.

Just thinking today…..

On By WendyIn Life2 Comments
Daffodils, March 2014 by Stuart Holcombe
The Changing of the Seasons.
Daffodils, March 2014
by Stuart Holcombe

Change is the law of life.

And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

– John F. Kennedy

A tiny little update

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease9 Comments

After my last post I feel horrible I haven’t been back here sooner.

I’m not having a good time with the vertigo recently.  My dear friend, Mr. Meniere’s, has decided to settle in for a visit.  A long horrible visit…so this really will be very short.

Saw my psych doctor last Wednesday.  She is supposed to be talking to my Neurologist (headache pain specialist) about a drug we discussed putting me on.  (a good idea huh?)  But it’s taking a long time.  I did see her late on Wednesday so things probably didn’t get started until Thursday…but my goodness.  Well, I won’t get in to all of that.  I’m upset about that visit….but I’ll vent later.

I am having a better time of it.  Not cycling so much now, I’ve been pretty level for a couple of days now.  I’m reading more of the Buddha’s teachings, and it helps.  (I’m not pushing Buddhism here….I just get very comforted when I read his teachings and try to follow the practices.)

I really need to control my anxiety.  I know the vertigo is more out of control because of the stress.  It is my greatest trigger for Meniere’s.

I need to have emergency plans in place…just in case.  This helps relieve my anxiety about a situation I have no control over.  It gives me a little control.  For example, I have an emergency kit for when I have vertigo attacks.  I feel my severe vertigo attacks have fallen drastically since I created this kit.  I have one for home and one for travel.  It eases my mind.

When I started feeling suicidal, I knew it was my illness, but it didn’t really matter.  So when I cycled enough out of it to be able to really communicate with my husband, we made up an emergency plan.  I know where to call, or go if I feel I am going to hurt myself.  My husband put all of my medication away and gives it to me as prescribed so I will not….tempted when I fall in the darkness of my soul.  We have a plan.  It has helped me so much.  I now feel that I am understood.  My husband knows how I’m feeling, as much as he can.  He’s taking me seriously, and helped me to have in place a way to make it easier when (or if?) the dark lady returns.

Today, we talked about an emergency plan if my husband remains out of work.  We can’t wait until there is no money left, it will cost us money to leave here.  We need to know at what point do we need to decide to leave.  Where we are going, and how things will happen.  There are parts in there we are pretty sure about, but we need to solidify this plan.  I’m so anxious about our future I feel paralyzed.  I know that it is adding to my feeling so very ill.

So….I’m here.

I’m not on the computer a lot right now because of the vertigo.

I’m working on getting the psych meds straight.

We are working on an emergency plan if hubby doesn’t find a job before we completely run out of money.  (luckily we were able to get on a mortgage assistance plan, or we would be destitute before now.  But right now we don’t have to pay our mortgage because of this assistance.)   This will help me feel less anxious about our future.

I have much more to say….things I’ve been discovering about myself…and just thoughts in general.

Thank you all for the loving support you have shown me.  I have felt these emotions all around me, and it has helped so much.  We may not all know each other in person, but I promise, the loving thoughts sent from all of you have reached me.  And I am eternally grateful.

The Bipolar Cocktail – when the mixture isn’t right…

On By WendyIn Bipolar35 Comments

Medication_cocktail_by_LaChixMany illnesses are treated with a cocktail of medications, Bipolar type 1 is not different.  For me, I must have a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety drug), and….I can’t remember if there is anything else.  I think that’s it.  Right now the mood stabilizer is working.  The antidepressant isn’t working, and the anxiolytic is trying hard to work but I have a lot of reason to be anxious.  (that’s what my therapist told me on Thursday anyway).   Of course, you could say I have a lot to be depressed about too, but I don’t normally let depression take over my life.  I’m fighting hard to keep telling myself, “This will get better.”, but it has been a bit overwhelming lately.

The tears, so many tears have fallen.  The words, “I’m sorry.” have passed my lips so many times I’ve begun to wonder if I can finish a conversation without saying it.  I’ve been told by professionals that I don’t “wallow”.  Oh if they could see me some nights, they might just change their minds.

Recently I completely lost control.  In a complete panic! I needed to leave.  I needed to get away from my husband before I hurt him any longer.  I know I’ve become such a burden, I’m not a fun person, I’m worthless, and useless.  I wish this wonderful, caring man had never met me.

How could I leave?  I can’t drive.  Where would I go?  I have no money.  What could I do?  The only answer.   Take the dark lady’s hand, I hear her promises to make it all better.  To help my husband.  To end the pain for both of us.  I reach out….and suddenly I stop!  NO!  This is my illness talking!  It will get better.  My husband loves me, and if I leave with her, he would be devastated.  I can’t hurt him.  “NO! my  lady I will not leave with you.  I’m stronger than you!” … at least for now.

I knew my resolve was weak.  I knew I couldn’t trust myself.  I grabbed my computer.  I searched and searched….I needed an inpatient hospital.  Somewhere I could go for just a little while.  Somewhere I could be made to not listen to the dark lady beckoning to me with empty promises.  I found a listing, I hit on it…..Site Not Found….What???  I went to the next place on the list…it wasn’t an inpatient facility…the next, same thing….again…again!  I threw my computer!

I was so livid!  And so…..I don’t know….I really don’t remember what happened immediately after that.   I know I ended up getting in the bath, (for those who regularly read my blog you will know how odd this is for me, I’ve become quite phobic of the bath due to my vertigo, but in the bath I was.) and my husband joined me.  He held me, and we just laid back in the water.  I talked, he could only listen.  (I can’t wear my cochlear implants in the tub, so even if he talked I wouldn’t have known.)  I cried, he held on tighter.  I told him everything.  He knew most of it already.  He did witness it.   When we got out of the bath, and readied for bed, I gathered all my medications and gave them to him.  I took out 3 pills that I might need during the night, knowing that even if I took the 3 together I would not cause myself harm.  I told him to lock them away, until I was better.  Only giving me the medications as I needed them.   (this happened a few days ago)

My cocktail will be remixed on Wednesday.  It will take a while to know if this mixture is working.  Until then, I will be cautious.  I’m still crying a lot.  The words “I’m sorry” are continuously spewing from my mouth.  I not only feel sad, angry, lost and riddled with panic….I feel sick.  My body feels as if it is fighting off an invader.  I keep running a low-grade fever, on and off.  I am hot….I am cold.  My head, throat, all of me hurts.   I had one of the worst asthma attacks I’ve had….ever…yesterday.  It scared me….suffocation is terrifying.   Once I knew my rescue inhaler was not going to work, we rushed to get the nebulizer up and running.  Luckily, I began to feel relief very quickly.  A trip to the ER was narrowly avoided.

Yes, I have an emergency plan in place now for my deepest levels of depression.  Of course, I have my husband watching my behavior.  I have all my medications that could harm me locked away to be given out only at specified times.  We have the address and phone number of an emergency psychiatric hospital.   At times I am thinking clearly.  Other times I feel so engulfed by the depths of depression I cannot imagine a way out, it feels as if I’ve stepped in a tar pit and it is constantly trying to pull me under.  I have to keep my mantra in my head….”I know it will get better.”   I’ve had problems with my medications before, I KNOW THIS WILL GET BETTER!