Many illnesses are treated with a cocktail of medications, Bipolar type 1 is not different. For me, I must have a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety drug), and….I can’t remember if there is anything else. I think that’s it. Right now the mood stabilizer is working. The antidepressant isn’t working, and the anxiolytic is trying hard to work but I have a lot of reason to be anxious. (that’s what my therapist told me on Thursday anyway). Of course, you could say I have a lot to be depressed about too, but I don’t normally let depression take over my life. I’m fighting hard to keep telling myself, “This will get better.”, but it has been a bit overwhelming lately.
The tears, so many tears have fallen. The words, “I’m sorry.” have passed my lips so many times I’ve begun to wonder if I can finish a conversation without saying it. I’ve been told by professionals that I don’t “wallow”. Oh if they could see me some nights, they might just change their minds.
Recently I completely lost control. In a complete panic! I needed to leave. I needed to get away from my husband before I hurt him any longer. I know I’ve become such a burden, I’m not a fun person, I’m worthless, and useless. I wish this wonderful, caring man had never met me.
How could I leave? I can’t drive. Where would I go? I have no money. What could I do? The only answer. Take the dark lady’s hand, I hear her promises to make it all better. To help my husband. To end the pain for both of us. I reach out….and suddenly I stop! NO! This is my illness talking! It will get better. My husband loves me, and if I leave with her, he would be devastated. I can’t hurt him. “NO! my lady I will not leave with you. I’m stronger than you!” … at least for now.
I knew my resolve was weak. I knew I couldn’t trust myself. I grabbed my computer. I searched and searched….I needed an inpatient hospital. Somewhere I could go for just a little while. Somewhere I could be made to not listen to the dark lady beckoning to me with empty promises. I found a listing, I hit on it…..Site Not Found….What??? I went to the next place on the list…it wasn’t an inpatient facility…the next, same thing….again…again! I threw my computer!
I was so livid! And so…..I don’t know….I really don’t remember what happened immediately after that. I know I ended up getting in the bath, (for those who regularly read my blog you will know how odd this is for me, I’ve become quite phobic of the bath due to my vertigo, but in the bath I was.) and my husband joined me. He held me, and we just laid back in the water. I talked, he could only listen. (I can’t wear my cochlear implants in the tub, so even if he talked I wouldn’t have known.) I cried, he held on tighter. I told him everything. He knew most of it already. He did witness it. When we got out of the bath, and readied for bed, I gathered all my medications and gave them to him. I took out 3 pills that I might need during the night, knowing that even if I took the 3 together I would not cause myself harm. I told him to lock them away, until I was better. Only giving me the medications as I needed them. (this happened a few days ago)
My cocktail will be remixed on Wednesday. It will take a while to know if this mixture is working. Until then, I will be cautious. I’m still crying a lot. The words “I’m sorry” are continuously spewing from my mouth. I not only feel sad, angry, lost and riddled with panic….I feel sick. My body feels as if it is fighting off an invader. I keep running a low-grade fever, on and off. I am hot….I am cold. My head, throat, all of me hurts. I had one of the worst asthma attacks I’ve had….ever…yesterday. It scared me….suffocation is terrifying. Once I knew my rescue inhaler was not going to work, we rushed to get the nebulizer up and running. Luckily, I began to feel relief very quickly. A trip to the ER was narrowly avoided.
Yes, I have an emergency plan in place now for my deepest levels of depression. Of course, I have my husband watching my behavior. I have all my medications that could harm me locked away to be given out only at specified times. We have the address and phone number of an emergency psychiatric hospital. At times I am thinking clearly. Other times I feel so engulfed by the depths of depression I cannot imagine a way out, it feels as if I’ve stepped in a tar pit and it is constantly trying to pull me under. I have to keep my mantra in my head….”I know it will get better.” I’ve had problems with my medications before, I KNOW THIS WILL GET BETTER!