After my last post I feel horrible I haven’t been back here sooner.
I’m not having a good time with the vertigo recently. My dear friend, Mr. Meniere’s, has decided to settle in for a visit. A long horrible visit…so this really will be very short.
Saw my psych doctor last Wednesday. She is supposed to be talking to my Neurologist (headache pain specialist) about a drug we discussed putting me on. (a good idea huh?) But it’s taking a long time. I did see her late on Wednesday so things probably didn’t get started until Thursday…but my goodness. Well, I won’t get in to all of that. I’m upset about that visit….but I’ll vent later.
I am having a better time of it. Not cycling so much now, I’ve been pretty level for a couple of days now. I’m reading more of the Buddha’s teachings, and it helps. (I’m not pushing Buddhism here….I just get very comforted when I read his teachings and try to follow the practices.)
I really need to control my anxiety. I know the vertigo is more out of control because of the stress. It is my greatest trigger for Meniere’s.
I need to have emergency plans in place…just in case. This helps relieve my anxiety about a situation I have no control over. It gives me a little control. For example, I have an emergency kit for when I have vertigo attacks. I feel my severe vertigo attacks have fallen drastically since I created this kit. I have one for home and one for travel. It eases my mind.
When I started feeling suicidal, I knew it was my illness, but it didn’t really matter. So when I cycled enough out of it to be able to really communicate with my husband, we made up an emergency plan. I know where to call, or go if I feel I am going to hurt myself. My husband put all of my medication away and gives it to me as prescribed so I will not….tempted when I fall in the darkness of my soul. We have a plan. It has helped me so much. I now feel that I am understood. My husband knows how I’m feeling, as much as he can. He’s taking me seriously, and helped me to have in place a way to make it easier when (or if?) the dark lady returns.
Today, we talked about an emergency plan if my husband remains out of work. We can’t wait until there is no money left, it will cost us money to leave here. We need to know at what point do we need to decide to leave. Where we are going, and how things will happen. There are parts in there we are pretty sure about, but we need to solidify this plan. I’m so anxious about our future I feel paralyzed. I know that it is adding to my feeling so very ill.
So….I’m here.
I’m not on the computer a lot right now because of the vertigo.
I’m working on getting the psych meds straight.
We are working on an emergency plan if hubby doesn’t find a job before we completely run out of money. (luckily we were able to get on a mortgage assistance plan, or we would be destitute before now. But right now we don’t have to pay our mortgage because of this assistance.) This will help me feel less anxious about our future.
I have much more to say….things I’ve been discovering about myself…and just thoughts in general.
Thank you all for the loving support you have shown me. I have felt these emotions all around me, and it has helped so much. We may not all know each other in person, but I promise, the loving thoughts sent from all of you have reached me. And I am eternally grateful.
Picnic with Ants 
Shit, I wish there was something I could do, something to make the darkness go away. Glad you are getting some comfort from having plans in place and your reading. Whatever helps chip away at the anxiety, I know how one thing feeds upon another.
Hoping the doctors can get together and help you as well… soon. Very, very soon.
Sending lots of love and hugs.
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Sunshine,
I know my dear, you are a love to think about me. The darkness is not as bad….really. But I am a realist. I know that since I don’t have the meds right that it could creep back up. So the emergency plan is the best thing for now. It makes me feel safer.
I do need to get this anxiety down. Stuart’s calling docs all the time, trying to put a fire underneath them. It’s hard, I know i’m not their only patient, but dang-it, I want to be treated that way! : )
Thank you for the love and hugs, it really means a lot to me….REALLY!!
I think of you every day. xoxo
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Wendy, honey, I love you and want the best for you. You know where I am. Please reach out anytime you need. Praying for you and sending you big ole juicy vibes from the universe. xo
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Lisa,
What a love you are! Any time you want to invade my space and bring that lovely smile my way, I would welcome it. But I know you have issues too, and I don’t want you to use too many “spoons” coming out to see me. you are so much closer than you were, yet still so far away…even if it is just the next city over. Ah, the trials of chronic illness huh? But that’s how we met!! And I’m so glad we did!
Thank you for all the juicy vibes from the universe….I loved that!
and I love you too! xoxoxo love to Tony and Jodi too. if Tony remembers me, and if Jodi has ever heard of me….smiles.
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Having emergency kits and plans can help with the anxiety — it’s a doing activity that can distract and prepare. I’m sure if there is some way to get the stress down, and the meds sorted out, you will begin to feel a positive change.
Reading Buddha, meditating on his ideas, having a husband as a companion who understands and wants to help can make things easier at times.
Hope you’re anxiety levels (and subsequent worsening of your other health issues) can come down soon.
Take good care.
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Phylor,
thank you for all the support you have given me. I know you understand. And having the emergency plans in place really do help. I need to have a plan. I know things may not unravel like I plan…in the emergency plan…oh I’m getting lost in my head. But anyway, as long as we have a skeleton of an idea, and aren’t just waiting around for the worst to happen, without knowing what on earth we’d do when the shit hit the fan…well that does ease a bit of stress.
Will post more about things as they progress….for better or worse. But for now, I’m better. Not great, but better.
take care of you my friend.
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Wendy,
I marvel at the wonderful way you are coping in an incredibly stressful situation. I am confident that you will get out of this cycle, but in the mean time you have been so courageous..and clever, for putting together a plan! Thank you for sharing. It encourages those of us who face similar struggles…and gives us ideas too!
Thank you friend. As you say, we have never met but I love you like a sister and think of you daily,
Hugs,
D
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Awesome! I think having those plans and emergency kits is brilliant! Those things make such a difference on the calmness level. Stressing over what might happen increases all my symptoms of my health issues, too. I wish I could stay in the present moment all the time when I leave these four walls. Would probably make life easier for me. And you! You deal with stress just moving around your home! You are amazing! 🙂
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Rita,
No more amazing than you my friend. I don’t know why I suddenly decided that I needed to have emergency plans. I think it started when I wanted to be prepared if I had a bad vertigo attack at home and I was alone. That really took so much stress off of me. And I’ve only needed to throw up in it once. (I know too much info)
then it went on from there. a little kit for my purse. making sure we have living wills and health care power of attorney. making sure pets will be taken care of, just in case. Everything thing. I like plans now. Used to be more of a flying by the seat of her pants kind of gal…now…I want to know where that seat is going to land! and safely.
love and safety to you!!
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