I was feeling good on…oh what day is it now? It was on Thursday…yes, that’s right. We needed a couple of things from the store, and since I had been doing better, I decided to join Stuart on the expedition.
I was so proud of myself, I had been going downstairs pretty much every day, I had taken 3 baths! (for those who know, that’s a big deal for me, I’m terrified of having a vertigo attack in the bath) I felt I had made strides. I was feeling good about them. Yet, I was feeling jumpy, a bit rough around the edges, but thought it was just nerves, and anxiety about doing more. I even noticed that I was feeling a bit, shall I dare say, manic. It wasn’t full-blown, I even told Stuart, if I didn’t feel ill I would be feeling really, really good! It was odd. A jittery sort of odd. But I felt BETTER! I even got up and put make-up on…and everything. I realized I haven’t paid much attention to me in a long time. I want that to change. So….I did what I could to head out with my husband.
As we started to leave I got a little antsy and started not to go. Just felt like my footing wasn’t right. It took me a minute, a few deep breaths, but I was dong so well, we decided to just go pick up the 2 things at Walmart because it’s just ONE MILE from my house. That way if I started feeling bad, we could get home quicker. That was a good plan. Just this little shopping center a mile from the house, I can do that!!
When we arrived I was doing well so we wandered a bit. Then we went down a row of canned goods. They all decided to just roll down the aisle a bit with me. I stopped, focused down to the basket, concentrated, calmed myself and was steady again. I told Stuart that I thought we needed to leave. He, of course, was more than agreeable to get out of there, but we got to the line and the first few were FULL….I was feeling anxious, nervous, and a bit claustrophobic. Suddenly, the bitch came out!
Stuart: “It’s going to be a while.” Me: “NO, there’s a shorter line right down there!” He goes toward it, I am looking at the next line, someone jumps in the line I’m looking in and he jumps out of his line. I’m fussing, “What are you doing?” He’s telling me he didn’t know what I wanted….ect. I just needed OUT. I was getting more and more anxious even though I wasn’t “feeling” worse. I wanted things to not be as they were!! (not a good thing, I should have just calmed down, taken stock of what was going on…probably unplugged my CI’s because the noise was getting to me, and taken some meds…..but instead, I reacted, poorly. And now I’m wondering if I don’t always do that when this is happening?
Stop! Yeah…..you, Stop the story!
What? Who’s that? Oh….it’s me talking to me….what have I done now?????
You are not telling it right. Just tell it. Don’t analyze. You are telling part of the story you shouldn’t even know that yet. You are already asking. “What did I do?, Why did this happen?, What caused it? Why didn’t I notice the signs?”…. so STOP. Now….just tell the story, then after it’s over, maybe you can look back and see if there were things you missed, triggers that you didn’t notice, anything that might help, but now…..STOP, it’s self blame for something you have no control over!!!!
OK……I guess I should listen to me. So….the rest of this story….have I completely screwed it up so far? Should I start over? eh….I’m way too gone to think of things again. I’ll just tell what happened next…. So where was I????
We took our stuff to the car. I wanted to go to another store that was in the same shopping center, so I mentioned that it would take just a minute to see if they had what I wanted. Stuart kindly said, “or we could come back tomorrow….” Bitch attack again!! “Do you realize how much more that would take out of me? It takes so much for me to come out and we are right here…..” and I stop! In mid-rant. What the heck? I was so sorry. I was aggravated, but there was no reason for me to act like that. I was so agitated! Then I was so remorseful. I couldn’t believe I just went off on him because he was trying to be thoughtful. So, apologies flew from me, and we prepared to drive over to the other little store. We backed out of the parking place….drove down the lane….and
“Can you please pull the car over?”
Stuart – “What? Now?”
Me – “I need you to stop the car now please! I need a shot!!!” (let me explain about the shot. Because I have migraines so bad I have a prescription for Phenergan shots. This normally helps stop a vertigo attack faster than anything else, so I keep some with me at all times.) I also took Valium at the time.
Yes, that’s when the attack started. We were driving out of the parking lane, and got close to the end and WHOOSH, the world spun! (the little snapshot above does not do the motion justice!) I felt like my head was being thrown around in the car. Stuart got the shot in me fast! Suddenly things slowed, then they just went crazy again! I was stuck huddled in the car for an hour, just trying so hard to hold it together. Nothing was stopping this attack. My darling husband spent all this time talking to me, trying to say anything to just keep my mind off of what was going on. And trying to keep me as comfortable as possible. I am grateful the vomiting didn’t start in the car, but I was so SICK! Spinning…spinning….ohhhhhh.
Finally, I asked Stuart to try to move the car a little. At first I couldn’t stand it, then I just knew I had to get home. Things were bad and I had to feel safer. As I mentioned, we live ONE MILE from this store. He drove home, slowly. He told me every little turn, every bump that was going to happen…everything.
We got home, he got me in the house. I collapsed on the couch and started to vomit. I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I also lost control of my bladder. But I was safe. And the attack got better. The severe spinning subsided. But I didn’t sleep, I was so jumpy!
After an attack it’s normal to simply pass out from exhaustion and sleep for a long time. I was still so jumpy and antsy. I was miserable.
I’ve had a long past few days. I haven’t had one moment since this attack where I felt my head was steady. Am I having full-blown vertigo all the time, no. But, if I move my head….well, let’s just not move my head! I can only sleep on one side, if I turn over I have vertigo. I’m a mess.
So this is part 1 of this saga.
As my inner self decided to step in above, I think I’ll take a little time and reflect on this. Think about what happened, and what I learned.
Next Post…… A Look Inside: So what did I learn?