Her “A” is for Adversity. Please visit her blog and read (or actually go to a video to see and listen) to an inspiring post about the positives Adversity can bring someone with a disability.
My letter “A” is for Acknowledgement.
It was very hard for me to acknowledge that I have a disability. Sometimes, it still is.
I don’t mind being different. I just don’t want to be dependent. I must acknowledge that sometimes I need to ask for help, and it’s ok.
I need to acknowledge that I can’t do everything I used to. I need to acknowledge that people will not think less of me because I can’t do things I used to do. I need to acknowledge that I can do things in different ways. I can become a stronger person in different ways. I can learn more about different things.
I need to acknowledge that yes, I have a disability, but that doesn’t take away from who I am. I am still Wendy. Even if I don’t feel like it some days. (Yes, saying this made me cry.)
The first step in being disabled for me is acknowledging that I am disabled.
I have to stop fighting it every step of the way, and finding ways to adapt my life to make it work with my disability not in spite of it.
I Acknowledge that I am Disabled, but I am still Able to be a viable, worthy, and wanted, person.
I was looking at my account on Goodreads today and I read 85 books last year! I was astonished. Some of them were cookbooks, and health books, and such, but still I did read them. I read some really good books, and some really bad books. But when everything else was kicking me in the butt, and I couldn’t do much of anything, I could read….and I did.
I already have a good start this year… I already have 5 books marked as read in 2011. 2 are Cookbooks, but I swear I read them. One of them wasn’t that great, but one I actually bought, and it is really good. One of the books I started in 2010 and finished it on New Year’s Day. Still, I haven’t been feeling well this week, and I can’t hear very well, so I read.
Most of the books I read are a lot of paranormal, fantasy, mysteryish books. My favorite authors are Christopher Moore, Neil Gaiman, Carrie Vaughn, Mary Janice Davidson, Stephen King (especially the Dark Tower Series), Kelley Armstrong, Charlaine Harris….
My favorite books are Lamb by Christopher Moore (please don’t let this offend any of my Christian readers. I don’t think it is meant to. It is a cute story told by Biff, Jesus’s childhood friend. It tells the story of all the years that the Bible leaves out while Jesus is growing up. It is very funny, and I think very thought-provoking.) To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee (what a brilliant piece of literature, everyone should read.) Neverwhere, Graveyard, and the SandmanSeries by Neil Gaiman (I guess Neil Gaiman is just one of my all time favorite authors. I love all of these books for different reasons. Neverwhere is a fantastical book. Graveyard is a piece of juvenile literature that is such a good read. and the Sandman Series is a series of Graphic Novels that morphs the after life with mythology with fantasy….it is just deep and so well illustrated. And last but not least Stephen King’s Dark Tower Series, this series of books is beyond fantasy. It is a different world, and yet part of it happens in our world. It alludes to many of King’s different novels. A graphic novel series has begun about this series and it is beautifully illustrated. I don’t usually read graphic novels, but a friend recommended Sandman and I’m so glad I decided to read them. Then I saw the Dark Tower Graphic Novels and they were just so beautiful, starting before the first book, you know what is going to happen, yet you find yourself wanting to change it.
I also read a lot about health, diet, and anything I can think of that might help me deal with things. Of course, I also read cook books, because I love to cook, and I’m always experimenting on cooking healthier tastier meals.
What do you read?
Do you have any favorite authors? Any favorite books?
Sandy Exhausted from Playing the Wii while waiting for me to stop reading Blogs.
Yesterday and today I have been catching up on some reading…no not book reading…blog reading. I decided to search for more blogs about Meniere’s Disease and just see what other people are posting about.
Of course, there really aren’t that many blogs about Meniere’s since there aren’t that many of us, and not all of us decide to write about our experiences.
I found that some people like to write a lot about everything they can find out about Meniere’s. The latest developments, other diseases that might go along with it…. But most of you are just like me. We write about how this disease is treating us, and I’ve found that it treats people differently.
The treatments seem to be as varied as the patients.
So many people are so excited about this new vestibular device that is being talked about. I don’t know why, but I’m not yet. I just think that it’s too early. I’m so happy that they are experimenting and studying and doing something positive that may help us some day…but I’m just so miserable right now that it just seems so out of reach for me.
I get such hope from reading other people’s experiences. Reading that a Meniett Device worked for someone, and a Gent injection worked for someone else. Others get along pretty well with just a low sodium diet and supplements. Then there is the girl who has a cochlear implant and a service dog…I find her so inspirational.
For the past few days I’ve been living bed to couch again. I can barely hear, and I feel like an attack is about to start at any moment. I took a bath tonight and thought I was going to barf in the tub. My husband rushed in with the Valium and Phenergan, and I got calmed down. He finished giving me my bath and I crawled into bed. I’m not complaining. This is just the facts of my life right now.
My husband talked to Dr. Kaylie yesterday and he said he is going to talk to Dr. Gray about getting me back in to check on the patches. We are supposed to hear from Dr. Gray by Wednesday. I’m sure something can be done. After all, I felt so much better immediately after the blood patch. I know it can be better.
I’m adding to my list of blogs that I read, please take the time to check some of them out. You may find a new friend out there. I know I have.
I went to see my psychiatrist today for my normal follow-up for my bi-polar medications. I’ve been seeing the same guy for about 7 or 8 years (except for the break when we moved to California for 2 years) so he knows me pretty well. He’s a really great guy and I think a lot of him. He says I’m one of his favorite patients….I hope he doesn’t say that to everyone….I don’t think so, he always looks genuinely glad to see me. I’ve worked very hard to get my bi-polar disorder stable, and there have been times when the side effects from the medications just made it so hard. But we work together, and have found something that works (for now). Actually, I’ve been pretty stable for about 16 years now. Every once in a while my meds will need adjusting, but it’s nothing like it was.
When I went in today I wasn’t walking straight and my doctor held my arm so I could feel more steady while walking back to his office. He knows all about the Meniere’s and he so wishes he could do something to help. When I sat down, I just let it all pour out. How the blood patch gave me such hope, then it was just jerked away, how upset I am that the doctors say they can help but keep dragging their feet, how I just don’t want to get up in the morning, how the GI problems have made me gain so much weight I don’t even want to look in the mirror any more…..
He listened and tried to comfort me and when he turned to get his papers to start writing things down, I noticed he had to take off his glasses and wipe his eyes.
It has to be so hard to be a good psychiatrist or therapist, you have to really care, but you need to keep a distance or you will get swallowed up by other people’s sorrows. I love my psychiatrist, and I’m glad that he cares so much about me. I just hope at the end of the day he can leave it at the office.
I do still have hope that something can be done. I told him that too. He agrees, but it’s hard to see me this way. He asked if I wanted him to up my dosage to try to help my moods, but I told him that I felt like this depression is well justified. I only get worried when I feel like this and nothing is really going wrong in my life. He told me that I’m a smart woman, and I was right, that is the time to worry. He did add a little bit of Topamax back in my medication to try to help the migraines a little, possibly help with this crazy weight gain, and Topamax is also used to treat both the manic and depressive side of bi-polar disorder. I was on it exclusively, but it just made me so stupid. I was taking 400mg per day, now I’ll be taking 25mg twice a day. Hopefully, I won’t feel too stupid. I did tell my doctor today that right now I’d rather be stupid that fat. We got a laugh out of that, and he reminded me that I was pretty miserable being dumb. : )
Tomorrow I have an endoscope scheduled. I have to leave my house at 7:00am. (I am not a morning person!) I am not looking forward to this test. This is where they put a scope down your throat and look around at your upper GI track, including your stomach and part of your small intestines. I have 3 reasons I’m not looking forward to it…well, 4 really. 1. When I’ve been fasting, it is very hard to find a vein. So when they want to start an IV, it’s going to be very unpleasant. 2. The last time they put a tube down my throat (during an operation for breathing under anesthesia) they chipped a tooth. I really like my teeth, so that really upset me. 3. I’m going to have a very sore throat afterward. and 4. When I don’t eat regularly my stomach really starts to hurt. (of course, that’s one of the things they are trying to figure out, and why they think I may have an ulcer.)
I just want them to find something so I can stop all these tests! I’m so tired of being poked and prodded. Especially since they haven’t found anything. 5 months of running to the bathroom and gaining 35 pounds…it would seem like they could figure out what is wrong.
The more I have to see doctors, the more I realize how very little they know.
There are many things I want to accomplish during this coming year.
Of course, I want to get the Meniere’s under control.
I want to figure out what is going on with my gut and get that fixed, including taking off this weight I’ve gained.
I want to exercise more. I love to work out in a pool. I just ordered some of the equipment that we used when I had physical therapy in a pool so I could do the exercises on my own. (a flotation belt so I can exercise in the deep end without sinking, webbed gloves for resistance, and weights for my ankles to help with aqua walking and toning.)
I also ordered a heart rate monitor so I can keep up with that when I’m working out other ways. (my heart tends to beat a little too fast too soon, so I have to keep an eye on that.)
Stuart and I have decided that we want to start living more in line with our beliefs. Stop buying so much stuff we don’t need. Start buying things that are used instead of new. Stop creating so much trash. Start buying closer to home.
We are going to try very hard to not buy anything new in 2011. I’m looking at it as a smaller goal, I plan to say – Nothing new in January, then if I can do that, then Nothing new for the next 2 months, and build up. I’m afraid if I say, Nothing new for a whole year, I’m just dooming myself to failure. (of course, this doesn’t include food, necessities like soap and stuff, and we’ve agreed if we need underwear it will be bought new.) It also doesn’t include services we may need, or the raw materials I need for my art. I am trying to create recycled art, but there are still some things you just have to buy. (I’m hoping to find some of this on Craig’s list, or Free Cycle.)
I hate to admit that we did go on a spending spree at the end of the year in anticipation of this upcoming year. I’ve been wanting a new vacuum cleaner for so long, and I wasn’t going to wait another year for it!
Buying nothing new is going to be hard. But I think we can make a good go of it.
I also want to eat healthier. I need to get my cholesterol down (well my triglycerides, the rest is fine).
As most of you know I’ve taken on the challenge to make at least one meal a week from S.O.L.E. (Sustainable, Organic, Local, Ethical) ingredients. This has been a challenge during the winter months, there just isn’t that much local produce at this time of year. But I’m enjoying the challenge.
Next, I’m taking on a challenge of going Vegan or at least Vegetarian for 21 days starting January 3rd. I’ll take it one day at a time, but cutting out a substantial amount of saturated fat from my diet should lower my triglycerides.
I want to spend more time with my friends, and I want to make more friends who have the same interests I do. It’s hard for me sometimes to go to parties and see how much is being wasted, and so many people don’t bother to recycle. We are the only people in our group of friends who have a composter. I also think it’s important to use cleaning products that are safe to the environment. I feel like many of our friends do some things, but when it’s not convenient they don’t try. I feel like we’ve fallen into that trap sometimes too. For example, getting take-out. What could be more wasteful? At least when we eat at a restaurant they reuse the dishes and utensils.
We would rather spend our money on visiting friends and family. Or giving to the charities we believe in. We are tired of being wasteful.
In a nutshell what we have planned for the New Year is:
Get Healthier.
Stop being so wasteful.
Don’t buy anything new.
Make more time for our friends and family.
Are you making any resolutions or plans for the New Year? I’d love to hear about them.
So night before last I couldn’t sleep. When I went back to bed at a little after 5am I realized that I wasn’t sleeping because I was hurting, I could not get comfortable. My hip was hurting more than usual, my neck was hurting, I had a head ache…. I didn’t want to take a pain pill because sometimes they can make you a little dizzy, and we know I didn’t need that! Finally, I decided to take half of a pain pill. That did the trick. I was able to go to sleep about 6am.
I slept from 6am until about 2:30pm. Not bad. I felt fine when I first woke up, until I tried to stand up and then the world just decided to kind of tilt a little. I grabbed the wall and held on to the sink so I could get to the toilet. Then my husband came in the bedroom and I had him help me back to bed and start the meds a flowing. Again we over dosed me on Valium, and Phenergan. I had diarrhea so we just kept putting in the suppositories. I felt like I was going to start spewing any minute but we kept it down.
It was so sweet, my husband sat by me the whole time. I do a little chant I learned in yoga to help calm me down, and he just chanted along with me. Then he read to me for a little while, but I was having such a hard time hearing him, it started to make me feel bad. So we chanted some more. Finally, I felt like I could eat. He brought me food up in bed, and I started feeling much better. I actually made it to the couch around 6pm.
Today, I’ve been feeling a bit better. I had one time today where I felt like I really needed to just take it very easy. I took a Valium and Phenergan tablet and it calmed down. I don’t feel great. I still can’t hear, and the tinnitus is crazy, but at least I’m not spinning.
I must say though, that I am afraid I will start spinning at any moment. I told my husband that I feel like I’m living in Hell. Not just the actual time of the horrible vertigo, but the constantly feeling like it could happen any moment. I realize there are a lot of things that are worse than this, but it just doesn’t make this any less horrible.
There are many things that I am grateful for, like:
Our Little Happy Family
Having a wonderful husband who loves me and still thinks I’m sexy even through all of this. (and my weight gain.)
Days where I can get out of bed and off the couch and actually do something.
Friends who have stuck by me through this.
My dog, who still acts like there is nothing wrong with her, even though she has cancer. She is really such a joy in my life. She makes me laugh at least once a day, and makes me smile much more.
My dog and cat will cuddling with me when I’m not feeling well, and even when I am if I want.
That I can still read. Watching TV is hard, especially when the closed captioning doesn’t work half the time, but I can still read. Since Dec. 23rd, I’ve read 3 books, and I’m almost finished with number 4.
Color. I love color. My favorite color is Yellow. It just makes me happy. The color of sun flowers, of buttercups, of the sun in a child’s finger painting…..I just love being able to enjoy color.
This blog, the people who read it, and the people who have become my friend because of it.
Hope. I know it’s hard sometimes, but I always seem to be able to grab a hold of some hope, and pull myself out of the deepest despair.
My doctors, without whom, I probably wouldn’t have much hope.
There are many more things I’m grateful for, but I just felt like I needed to acknowledge a few.
Yes, I did take something. Unfortunately, it did not work.
All of us who have Meniere’s know that sleep deprivation is not a good thing. I’ve already been having signs that a big attack is probably on its way, and now I can’t sleep. Dang it.
I was in bed for a while, and I thought I was nearly asleep once, but then I got the hiccups. I get the hiccups a lot. After, they finally subsided, I couldn’t fall asleep. So finally, I just got up.
I guess I will go and try again. If I can fall asleep, I hope I just sleep the day away tomorrow. : ) Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up. *fingers crossed here*
I didn’t have an appropriate picture for this post, so I decided to just share a picture from our Snow Day. It’s almost all gone now.
I so can not hear right now. It is so aggravating to go from one week of being able to hear pretty darn good (at least out of one ear), and then the next week I can barely hear at all.
It also makes me very uneasy because I know that normally when I can’t hear I’m going to have a full blown Meniere’s attack some time soon. I may be able to put it off for a while with medication and such, but it will probably happen within a week or so. Then I will be able to hear again. That just does not make sense to me. Why can I hear so much better right after I have vertigo and puke my guts out?
(More stuff that is poopy graphic and you may not want to read.) Well, the diarrhea is still going strong. 5 times so far. Today about 2 hours after eating my lunch, I saw it all in the toilet. My doctor once asked me how did I know it was what I just ate….well, let’s see…it is in the same form as when it went in. This time I had lettuce, I haven’t eaten lettuce in at least a week, it was very visible. It’s also bright yellow. It looks like it’s bile. I looked up on line what yellow stools could mean. On About.com it said that it often means you have GERD and are passing food through your system too fast. Well, it does sound like I’m passing food through way too fast. (can not understand how I’m gaining weight…but we’ll worry about that later.) You know, my doctors haven’t even asked me what color it usually is. They have asked if it’s black, or if I see blood, but that’s all. It’s just so confusing.
It makes it harder to deal with a second illness when you have Meniere’s. Numerous times I’ve had cancel appointments or tests that have been scheduled because I was having an attack, or I was recovering from one I just had. (I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m pretty worthless the day after an attack. I just have to sleep.)
So I didn’t get the Breath Tests done, I didn’t get the up CT scan done, I didn’t get the scope of the upper GI track done…..I do have the scope rescheduled for the 8th of January. But, heck, I would probably have known what was wrong with my gut by now if I didn’t have Meniere’s to deal with too.
Stuart keeps saying, let’s concentrate on one thing at a time. But that’s pretty hard when you are running to the bathroom all the time, and keep growing out of your clothes.
Hey, I got off the couch today. We went had lunch at Pei Wei, to the grocery store, and went to one of the biggest Thrift Stores I know of.
The Durham Rescue Mission Bargain Center used to be a car dealership. I love shopping there. Today and I got 2 sweaters that are long. I seem to have so many sweaters that show my middle when I move. I think I must have bought them when waistlines where high, and now that they are lower my tops don’t seem to be long enough. (however, I do not where low riders. I would just have one big muffin top. Don’t you think that’s just disgusting when you see that?)
I also bought 2 pretty plates to photograph my food on. I only have white dishes, and I think my photographs are getting pretty boring. I was looking for a pretty bowl to photograph things like soup in, all of my bowls are so deep it’s hard to get a good picture. However, I have to admit, if I was being judged for plating my food, like they do on Iron Chef, I would lose miserably. LOL The truth is, I really should be able to set up better photographs, after all that was one of my specialties in college. (I majored in Art with a specialization in painting and photography. Look how much I use it now. hahaha)
We also got the game CLUE. I hope all the pieces are there. Stuart found this thing on-line that tells you how to take 4 games, and make a whole bunch more. The 4 games are Trivial Pursuit, CLUE, Scrabble, and Monopoly. You use the different pieces on different boards and just mix it all up and make new games. I’m looking forward to seeing what he comes up with. However, we have to get another Scrabble game, I don’t know what happened to mine.
We bought all of this for less than $10! Isn’t that cool?
So that’s a day in the life of Wendy, I’m glad you could join me.
I woke up yesterday and my hearing was down. I thought, well, here we go again.
Today, has been a pretty bad day.
I got up, still can’t hear as well, felt off-balance; and as usual as soon as I woke up I was off to the bathroom, the diarrhea starting all ready. (I must say though that for the past couple of days things have been better on that front.) Not today.
I ate breakfast. Decided I’d look work on some photos on Photoshop. All of a sudden I had to RUN to the bathroom, and as you may have guessed, I didn’t quite make it. I’m so grossed out by this. What if I had been out in public?
Shortly after this I could feel a vertigo attack coming on. I quickly took some Valium, and Phenergan. I even decided to not wait and took a Phenergan suppository too. I tried to stay calm, but this
is driving me crazy. At least one attack per week, I just want it to end. I asked Stuart to call Dr. Kaylie’s office and tell him that I am going to kill myself if they don’t do something soon. Of course, Dr. Kaylie is out of the clinic this week. I realize that everyone deserves some time off, but why does everyone seem to think that the world stops this time of year? I am just so miserable, and all of my doctors are on vacation. *sigh* I’m sure they will take care of things as soon as they can as soon as they get back. Yes, I could see the doctor on call, but that really wouldn’t do any good. He wouldn’t be able to do a spinal tap, or set up surgery. So I wait…
After a little while the vomiting still hadn’t started, but I was still feeling very bad. We decided that I would get another suppository, and take another Valium. I usually don’t take them so close together (it was about an hour and a half since I took the first round.) But I’m glad I did. Things really started calming down. I even feel almost normal now. Thank goodness. I’m still a bit off-balance, but nothing I can’t handle.
I’m getting so tired of feeling sick and tired.
I can’t exercise. I’ve gained so much weight since this diarrhea started.
Look at these two pictures.
Taken at Christmas Party 2010Taken last year about this time.
Can you see how much weight I’ve gained? Just look at my face. I know it’s a little hard to tell in the top picture, but it’s the best one I have of me right now. I must say, I’m kind of avoiding the camera. I hate to even look in the mirror. I gained the majority of this weight in 2 months, when the diarrhea first started. 30+ pounds.
I have enough to worry about without having to worry about this too. It’s just so depressing.
Don’t worry, I haven’t given up. I do believe something can be done, but I’m just tired of waiting for that something.
I love the magic that surrounds this time of year. I wish everyone could feel it. I’ve been alone on Christmas before and it’s a very sad time.
The Spirit of Christmas to me is in the magic of Giving.
I don’t mean presents here. I mean giving something of yourself that you don’t normally think of giving. Donating to your favorite charity, having a friend over to share in your Christmas traditions, surprising someone who isn’t expecting it with just a little something.
I’m not a commercial person. I hate how Christmas has become a race to see who can get the most expensive, the greatest number of toys.
It is not the gift that counts, it is the spirit in which it is given.
Many people stress being with family on Christmas. That is very hard on people who aren’t very close to their family, or who don’t have a family.
I’m so glad that I have my very small family. Stuart and I are just so good together. Our dear dog Sandy, and our huge cat Max round out our immediate family very well. As much as my little family means to me, it is the love of my dear friends that continually surprises me. They are a gift to me.
What I really want for Christmas this year, is the ability to spend more time with my friends this coming year. Of course, that would mean that I would be feeling better, that would be very nice too. (I would like for more of my friends to understand that just because I’m having a hard time with my illness, it doesn’t mean I want to be alone all the time.)
May your Christmas be filled with magic. Make sure that the people you love know it. It’s very hard not to get so caught up with the business of the season and forget about taking time to reach out to someone in need.
Every year on Christmas Eve we watch It’s a Wonderful Life. This is a very magical movie that shows us all just how much we affect others without even knowing it. We should all try to live a good life, because we never know if what we are doing may change someone else’s life forever.
Again, have a very joyous holiday! May you all feel the magic of the season!
Picnic with Ants 