I went to see my psychiatrist today for my normal follow-up for my bi-polar medications.  I’ve been seeing the same guy for about 7 or 8 years (except for the break when we moved to California for 2 years) so he knows me pretty well.  He’s a really great guy and I think a lot of him.  He says I’m one of his favorite patients….I hope he doesn’t say that to everyone….I don’t think so, he always looks genuinely glad to see me.  I’ve worked very hard to get my bi-polar disorder stable, and there have been times when the side effects from the medications just made it so hard.  But we work together, and have found something that works (for now).  Actually, I’ve been pretty stable for about 16 years now.  Every once in a while my meds will need adjusting, but it’s nothing like it was.

When I went in today I wasn’t walking straight and my doctor held my arm so I could feel more steady while walking back to his office.  He knows all about the Meniere’s and he so wishes he could do something to help.  When I sat down, I just let it all pour out.  How the blood patch gave me such hope, then it was just jerked away, how upset I am that the doctors say they can help but keep dragging their feet, how I just don’t want to get up in the morning, how the GI problems have made me gain so much weight I don’t even want to look in the mirror any more…..

He listened and tried to comfort me and when he turned to get his papers to start writing things down, I noticed he had to take off his glasses and wipe his eyes.

It has to be so hard to be a good psychiatrist or therapist, you have to really care, but you need to keep a distance or you will get swallowed up by other people’s sorrows.  I love my psychiatrist, and I’m glad that he cares so much about me.  I just hope at the end of the day he can leave it at the office.

I do still have hope that something can be done.  I told him that too.  He agrees, but it’s hard to see me this way.  He asked if I wanted him to up my dosage to try to help my moods, but I told him that I felt like this depression is well justified.  I only get worried when I feel like this and nothing is really going wrong in my life.  He told me that I’m a smart woman, and I was right, that is the time to worry.  He did add a little bit of Topamax back in my medication to try to help the migraines a little, possibly help with this crazy weight gain, and Topamax is also used to treat both the manic and depressive side of bi-polar disorder.  I was on it exclusively, but it just made me so stupid.  I was taking 400mg per day, now I’ll be taking 25mg twice a day.  Hopefully, I won’t feel too stupid.  I did tell my doctor today that right now I’d rather be stupid that fat.  We got a laugh out of that, and he reminded me that I was pretty miserable being dumb.  : )

Tomorrow I have an endoscope scheduled.  I have to leave my house at 7:00am.  (I am not a morning person!)  I am not looking forward to this test.  This is where they put a scope down your throat and look around at your upper GI track, including your stomach and part of your small intestines.  I have 3 reasons I’m not looking forward to it…well, 4 really.  1. When I’ve been fasting, it is very hard to find a vein.  So when they want to start an IV, it’s going to be very unpleasant.  2. The last time they put a tube down my throat (during an operation for breathing under anesthesia) they chipped a tooth.  I really like my teeth, so that really upset me.  3. I’m going to have a very sore throat afterward.  and 4. When I don’t eat regularly my stomach really starts to hurt.  (of course, that’s one of the things they are trying to figure out, and why they think I may have an ulcer.)

I just want them to find something so I can stop all these tests!  I’m so tired of being poked and prodded.   Especially since they haven’t found anything.  5 months of running to the bathroom and gaining 35 pounds…it would seem like they could figure out what is wrong.

The more I have to see doctors, the more I realize how very little they know.

But at least some of them care enough to try.