Tag: BiPolar

The Bipolar Cocktail – when the mixture isn’t right…

On By WendyIn Bipolar35 Comments

Medication_cocktail_by_LaChixMany illnesses are treated with a cocktail of medications, Bipolar type 1 is not different.  For me, I must have a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety drug), and….I can’t remember if there is anything else.  I think that’s it.  Right now the mood stabilizer is working.  The antidepressant isn’t working, and the anxiolytic is trying hard to work but I have a lot of reason to be anxious.  (that’s what my therapist told me on Thursday anyway).   Of course, you could say I have a lot to be depressed about too, but I don’t normally let depression take over my life.  I’m fighting hard to keep telling myself, “This will get better.”, but it has been a bit overwhelming lately.

The tears, so many tears have fallen.  The words, “I’m sorry.” have passed my lips so many times I’ve begun to wonder if I can finish a conversation without saying it.  I’ve been told by professionals that I don’t “wallow”.  Oh if they could see me some nights, they might just change their minds.

Recently I completely lost control.  In a complete panic! I needed to leave.  I needed to get away from my husband before I hurt him any longer.  I know I’ve become such a burden, I’m not a fun person, I’m worthless, and useless.  I wish this wonderful, caring man had never met me.

How could I leave?  I can’t drive.  Where would I go?  I have no money.  What could I do?  The only answer.   Take the dark lady’s hand, I hear her promises to make it all better.  To help my husband.  To end the pain for both of us.  I reach out….and suddenly I stop!  NO!  This is my illness talking!  It will get better.  My husband loves me, and if I leave with her, he would be devastated.  I can’t hurt him.  “NO! my  lady I will not leave with you.  I’m stronger than you!” … at least for now.

I knew my resolve was weak.  I knew I couldn’t trust myself.  I grabbed my computer.  I searched and searched….I needed an inpatient hospital.  Somewhere I could go for just a little while.  Somewhere I could be made to not listen to the dark lady beckoning to me with empty promises.  I found a listing, I hit on it…..Site Not Found….What???  I went to the next place on the list…it wasn’t an inpatient facility…the next, same thing….again…again!  I threw my computer!

I was so livid!  And so…..I don’t know….I really don’t remember what happened immediately after that.   I know I ended up getting in the bath, (for those who regularly read my blog you will know how odd this is for me, I’ve become quite phobic of the bath due to my vertigo, but in the bath I was.) and my husband joined me.  He held me, and we just laid back in the water.  I talked, he could only listen.  (I can’t wear my cochlear implants in the tub, so even if he talked I wouldn’t have known.)  I cried, he held on tighter.  I told him everything.  He knew most of it already.  He did witness it.   When we got out of the bath, and readied for bed, I gathered all my medications and gave them to him.  I took out 3 pills that I might need during the night, knowing that even if I took the 3 together I would not cause myself harm.  I told him to lock them away, until I was better.  Only giving me the medications as I needed them.   (this happened a few days ago)

My cocktail will be remixed on Wednesday.  It will take a while to know if this mixture is working.  Until then, I will be cautious.  I’m still crying a lot.  The words “I’m sorry” are continuously spewing from my mouth.  I not only feel sad, angry, lost and riddled with panic….I feel sick.  My body feels as if it is fighting off an invader.  I keep running a low-grade fever, on and off.  I am hot….I am cold.  My head, throat, all of me hurts.   I had one of the worst asthma attacks I’ve had….ever…yesterday.  It scared me….suffocation is terrifying.   Once I knew my rescue inhaler was not going to work, we rushed to get the nebulizer up and running.  Luckily, I began to feel relief very quickly.  A trip to the ER was narrowly avoided.

Yes, I have an emergency plan in place now for my deepest levels of depression.  Of course, I have my husband watching my behavior.  I have all my medications that could harm me locked away to be given out only at specified times.  We have the address and phone number of an emergency psychiatric hospital.   At times I am thinking clearly.  Other times I feel so engulfed by the depths of depression I cannot imagine a way out, it feels as if I’ve stepped in a tar pit and it is constantly trying to pull me under.  I have to keep my mantra in my head….”I know it will get better.”   I’ve had problems with my medications before, I KNOW THIS WILL GET BETTER!

Being Bipolar….will I ever really be stable?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health20 Comments
Bipolar
Bipolar by SimoneBryne at deviantArt.com

Note….At this time one of my medications has stopped working, my psychiatrist has replaced it with another medication, but at this point, I am not stable.  I have recently read through the past year of my blog and my personal journals and feel I haven’t been completely stable for a long time, but I have been manageable….most of the time.  When I reference Bipolar Illness below I am referring to Bipolar I.  There are different types of Bipolar, when you think of classic Manic Depression, you normally think of Bipolar I.

This post is going to come from the heart, and will reveal things I haven’t freely talked about outside of my therapist’s office.

From all the tests, and talking, and everything else psych doctors do, my psychiatrist feels I have had Bipolar tendencies most of my life.  My first suicide attempt was at 11 years of age, but it wasn’t the first time I thought of it.  It just isn’t right for an 11-year-old to think that dying would be for the best.  I remember my sister and I had been arguing….I think…I don’t remember what it was about, or if it really even happened.  I guess that wasn’t important.  I know I silently went into my parent’s bedroom, they weren’t at home, I opened the top drawer of my father’s chest of drawers and took out his pistol.  I knew nothing about guns.  It was in a little holster thing.  I don’t think I even took it out….after all, wouldn’t a bullet go through that leather?  I put it to my head and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.  I tried again……Nothing.   By this time I was shaking and thought my sister might find me, I replaced the gun right where I found it, after all it didn’t do me any good.  I don’t know if the gun was empty, if the safety was on…or what.  All I know is that it didn’t do what I thought it would.  What I wanted it to.

How can an 11-year-old child be so depressed that she puts a gun to her head, and pulls the trigger?  Was I scared, yes.  But not because of the reasons you may think.  I was afraid of being caught, afraid of doing it wrong, and very afraid of who would find me and have to deal with the mess.

I didn’t tell anyone.  Not for years and years, actually, not until recently.  Since then I’ve had 3 more suicide attempts and serious thoughts and plans for others.  When I’m depressed I simply cannot believe it will ever get better.  The lady in the dark is whispering her promises that it will be better with her, and she is all I can hear.

When I’m more level, or a bit manic, I cannot believe I would ever think that way.  I even have a hard time when  others are feeling suicidal.  How could that be?  I have had a number of friends reach out to me when they have felt the cold comforting hand of death reaching for them and they are so very tempted to reach out and take hold.  I often just can’t understand how they could feel that way.  They have friends, they are loved…look, they have me.  But didn’t I have friends?  Don’t I have friends?  Was I not loved?  Then why…why can I feel it would be so much better if I simply didn’t exist?  Please don’t get me wrong, I can empathize with my friends who are going through their own darkness, I talk to them and understand their feelings…or at least most of them.  But feeling suicidal is very personal, each person has their own demons.   I know I can’t understand all my friend is feeling because their demons are their demons and I can’t hear or see them.  I can only see the light on the outside, and try to help them see a little glimmer of that light, just enough to give them a bit of hope.  However, I would never judge a person who cannot find that hope….that flicker of light that they need to help them out of the darkness.

Many people think ill of those who commit suicide, and even those who have fought the battle and continue to fight.  I’ve heard how it’s the most selfish thing someone can do.  How they are doomed to everlasting hell.   I don’t think like that.  I know many people who contemplate suicide do so because they think they are such a horrible burden on the people they love.  They are trying so hard not to be selfish.  They do not want to cause those they love any more pain.  Yes, the pain from the suicide is something a loved one cannot get over, but to the person who is deeply depressed and sees this as the only way to save their loved ones…it is the most selfless act they feel they can perform.    Do I think someone who commits suicide is doomed for everlasting hell….no, personally I think they have already been living in it or they never would have committed suicide in the first place.

Suicide is not performed by people who are mentally well.  I will never judge a person until I have lived their lives while looking through their soul.  A mentally ill person does not see things the way a healthy person does.  My views on suicide are just my own.  Please do not judge me.  And please, at this time, do not argue with me….I’m not even sure I could handle a grown-up discussion of different views.  You see, I’m having trouble with my medication, and I’m not stable.  I need to release some of these feelings, but I’m not stable enough to debate them.  I promise, when things are better, I will open this discussion up again, if anyone wants me to, and we can discuss it then.

Oh, the Bipolar…..That is what I started to talk about isn’t it.  It isn’t all about the depression that takes me to the depths of my own hell.  There is that other side, the euphoria of mania.  It can be so seductive.  Many people who are Bipolar I, will often stop taking their medication because they feel numb.  No, they don’t miss the depression, but the mania….it’s like a drug.  Some of the best artist (of all kinds) have been Bipolar, or more as it was more commonly known, Manic Depressive.  When one decides to go off their medication, I don’t think they think about the depression that seeps the life out of them, they are thinking of the high they get from the mania.  Speaking from experience, it is so very hard to feel that high of creation when you are taking your medication.  I used to have sparks of inspiration and spend days in my studio, never leaving, barely sleeping….painting, and painting, and painting….I have never felt that surge of creativity since I started my medication nearly 20 years ago.  Do I miss it?  I could never express into words just how much I miss it!  I do not believe I have created a piece of artwork that stands up to anything I created before I was diagnosed.  So yes, I miss it.  But do I miss it enough to risk the rest….NO.

Bipolar doesn’t just include the extreme lows of depression and the euphoria of mania….it also includes uncontrollable anger, confusion, for some a loss of time, and a myriad of other symptoms…always to the extreme.  I used to notice when I got happy from something, it simply didn’t stop.  I didn’t just get happy, it kept growing and growing….oh it’s so hard to explain, but that’s how I felt about most of my emotions.  The emotion would start, like any normal person’s emotion would, but my emotion wouldn’t stop….it grew, to the point where I felt the emotion was no longer mine, I was the emotion.  I have huge gaps where I simply lost time.  I have no idea what happened during that time.   There have been out of control arguments, but I can’t remember anything about except the anger.

When I first started getting serious with Stuart I decided I had to be honest with him if we were going to have a real relationship.  It was very hard to tell him I have a mental illness, I am Bipolar.  Due to this, I have no idea how many men I have slept with.  He took it like the man he is, with grace and sympathy.  He held me while I cried and explained more about my illness.  How I was being treated…ect.   (He is a very good man.)

There is much more to my story, some I can never tell, because I simply do not remember it all.  Some I can tell…perhaps I should write a book.  *smiles*

Please forgive any typos, or grammar errors…or anything like that.  I started to proof-read this and needed to stop.  If I have offended anyone I apologize.  I hope I have brought a little bit of understanding about what it means to be Bipolar I.  Or what it means to be me.

I have a confession…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness12 Comments

For over a year I have been clinically depressed.  I have had some small doses of mania in there, but mostly I have been shrouded in a black cloth with no hope of seeing the light.

photo by click tongue, at deviant art.com
photo by click tongue, at deviant art.com

I realize now that my psychiatrist was going through some issues of his own, and didn’t pick up on the fact that my depression was more than what I should have felt.  At one point he told me that he felt like he had done all he could for me and I should see someone else, I could not hear that he was looking out for me, I only heard that I was losing something else in my life.  He had been my doctor for close to 12 years, I felt I was just being tossed away.  So, I ended up staying with him.  It eased my mind, but didn’t make me better.  Yes, I had many things happen that gave me a reason to be depressed, but not as depressed as I was.  I wasn’t acting like me.  I really don’t remember much about 2012, I remember some horrible highlights, but not the good moments.  We all know, that is not me.  I normally cherish every moment I can, and look at things realistically, not escalate them to the point that I can’t see past the hurt.

The mania manifested itself as anger.  I was so angry at times, and I had no control over it.  I hate that Stuart was the one who had to be on the receiving end of all this emotional turmoil.

In 2012 and part of 2013 I cried every day.  Yes, part of it was losing Sandy, but it started before that.  I think the catalyst that started all of this was my diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH).   I finally knew I would never get back to the point I was at the year before.  I would never feel “normal”.  There were a lot of emotions that went with this, a lot of realized loses.  I never expected to become a completely “healthy” person.  I’ve never been one, why would that change now?  But something snapped, and I no longer felt as positive as I had.  My new psychiatrist thinks my medication had not been working as well as it should even before then, but I was handling what was coming my way.  The diagnosis just pushed me past the point of helping myself.

I won’t go into everything that happened to me last year.  I will say there were some major things that I simply could not deal with.  However, I didn’t realize it then, I thought I was doing rather well on most accounts.  I knew there was one thing that was eating me up and sent me spiraling out of control….  I posted a poem about family.  How I wasn’t very close to my biological family and I was so happy I had a family with Stuart.  I was not saying it was anyone’s fault that my family and I don’t see eye to eye, it was really more about my love for my chosen family.  Well, a member of my family saw it and sent me a comment out of the blue.  This is someone I used to be VERY close to, but now she hates me and slanders my name to anyone who will listen.  I have not heard from her for about 10 years, yet she says my friends here don’t know me.  She says I’m evil….ect.  I never expected to hear from her again, but there it was, a comment from my niece.  She is 3o years old and still holds a grudge over something.  I don’t know what, and no one will tell me.  I have a feeling it is something from my very unstable Bipolar days, but I don’t remember most of that.  I was literally a different person while that disease had hold of me.

Now I have a new psychiatrist, and after one visit I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.  I felt validated.  She understood my illnesses without me having to explain them.  She saw I have IIH and immediately said, “You can’t even exercise.”   THANK YOU!   Other doctors have said, “if you could exercise”…..blah, blah,blah.  It makes it sound like I choose not to exercise.  Not that I really can’t.  I will have excruciating pain, and will pass out.  I have figured out ways to do some weight-bearing exercises.  But I have to go slow.  I cannot do cardio, if my heart rate gets to high, I’m out.  She increased one of my medications.  And I am feeling better, but I think it needs to go up a little bit more.

However, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now it’s just a little candle, but it’s leading me out of the dark.

light at the end of the tunnel....photo from deviantart.com by zoop zoop
light at the end of the tunnel….photo from deviantart.com by zoop zoop

I have good thoughts again.  I am not crying every day.  My anger is much more under control. (I know my husband is very happy about all of this.)  In short, I’m feeling more like me.

I appreciate what I have.  Even when I’m stuck in a dark, silent room because of my migraines I am grateful I can get out of the light, and have a roof over my head.  When the world is spinning and I feel like my stomach is going to come out of my mouth, I am grateful I have a safe place where I can ride out the storm.  I may not be able to walk unaided most of the time, so I’m very grateful for my spiffy red walker, that is also a seat.

I’m grateful for my dear friends who read my rantings and support me so much.

This past Tuesday was my birthday.  I received more birthday cards than I think I ever have since I’ve become an adult.  Some made me cry (in a good way), some made me smile and feel all warm inside.  One I don’t believe the sender was thinking, or perhaps they don’t realize my hearing limitations, it played music.  I can’t understand music.  Stuart had to tell me it played Happy Birthday.  *funny*   He thought it was rude, I really think it was just a matter of not understanding.  Or wishful thinking.

What is going on???

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Headaches, Migraines11 Comments

Did we buy a house built on a burial ground?  Are we to be cursed forever?  I can have positive thoughts and depression in the same day…..yes I am feeling the bipolar bug a biting.

I wanted to write a memorial anniversary post about Sandy on the 18th, but I was losing consciousness at the headache pain neurologist office because I had such a migraine.  I couldn’t even wear my hearing technology, I went in deaf, because sounds hurt so much.  I had my sunglasses on and a hat to block out as much light as I could.  Stuart took care of everything.  I passed out twice, once I didn’t know where I was when I came to….and it had only been seconds.  I could barely talk, and I can’t even hear my own voice.

It’s those days that make it hard to find the positive.  And to top it off……

Stuart got laid off the day before.  Out of the blue.  Company got some new investors and started restructuring….’nuf said.

I probably have a ton more to say, I have hit some posts here and there….I’m sorry.  I still have 400 emails in my inbox.  If you have emailed me…I promise I’ll get to it….or resend it please…who knows what is lost in that pile.

My head is hurting so much.

I must get off the computer.  I’m not on here every day. I hope after getting back on Botox on the 7th, it will get better…may take a couple of months of treatments.

thank you all of sending healing thoughts my way.  I send out health and wellness thoughts to you all each night.  I breathe in your pain and out healthy thoughts.

(oh and don’t worry about the Bipolar Bug…I’m seeing both types of exterminations soon…yes I know it can’t be killed, but they can get it more under control.  I don’t want to feel like I’m just waiting to die.  But days like my trip to the neurologist, I feel like that….or I did.  I’m so confused about feelings right now and I know not to trust them.  Also hormonal time…so my emotions are being toyed with…as long as I know this, I can handle it.)

(I wanted a cool graphic for this, but just didn’t feel like drawing….in too much pain.)

Thank you to all who have commented here and I haven’t been to your blog, or at least not very often….I care more than I can say.

 

Invisible Illness Week – 30 things you may not know…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Disability, Meniere's Disease10 Comments

September 10 -16 is National Invisible Awareness Week – If you’d like to get involved check out the official site. 

30 things about my illness you may not know.

(warning, some answers may give too much information, but it’s not detailed)

See, I don’t look sick. This photo was taken in 2009, right before my first ear surgery.
  1. The illness I live with is:  The main illnesses I live with are Meniere’s, chronic Migraines, Bipolar I disorder, and chronic hip and pelvic pain.  If you are interested in my other illnesses please see the the tab above titled The Ants That Bite.
  2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:  I don’t remember any more.  I think I was diagnosed with Meniere’s in 2001, Migraines (I’m not really sure, I’ve had doctors tell me on and off since my teens that I have migraines, but they became chronic in my late 20’s…I’m 49 now), chronic hip pain and pelvic pain – they haven’t figured out what is causing all the pain, so no diagnosis.  Bipolar I – 1990 then was told they were wrong – re-diagnosed in 1994.
  3. But I had symptoms since:  Meniere’s – the first attack I remember was in 1993.  Migraines – the first one I remember, I was 11.  The pelvic pain – in my early 30’s,  in the mid 1990’s.  The hip pain – 2008. Bipolar – in my teens.
  4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:  These are a few major ones for me….  Losing my hearing.  Not being able to drive.  Not seeing my friends like I used to.  Realizing that I will never be cured.  Not being able to have a sex life without pain.  (but I’ve dealt with, or am dealing with all of these.  They will not keep me down.)
  5. Most people assume:  I can do much more than I can, after all, I don’t “look” sick.  And some assume I use my illness to get out of social situations, but honestly I hate being so solitary
  6. The hardest part about mornings are:  Never knowing what the day will bring.  I often wake up with a blinding headache, I know what that day will bring.  But if I wake up feeling decent I never know if I’ll continue to feel that way, or if I’ll be hit with a Meniere’s attack or Migraine.  However, I try to make the most out of every day.
  7. My favorite medical TV show is: Ummm, funny, I used to watch some medical TV shows, but I don’t any longer.  I think I see too much of the medical community in person.
  8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  I suppose I could “live” with out most gadgets, but there are some I wouldn’t want to!  My Cochlear Implant, I can hear so much more now. My laptop -so many of my friends are in there!
  9. The hardest part about nights are:  Trying to sleep, and trying to stay asleep.  Fear.  Fear of having an attack just as I’m falling asleep (this happens more than I’d like to admit), fear of waking up with a blinding headache……However, each night before I sleep I acknowledge my gratitude for the day, and plan what I’d like to do the next day.  I always have hope I will have a good day, and if I don’t I still know I’ll get something out of it.
  10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)    18 daily (this included the total number, not different medications), 5 as needed, 4 vitamins daily, and one B12 shot a week.
  11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  have tried many, including chiropractic, acupuncture, certain vitamin routines….  I found medical massage helps my migraines and hip pain a lot.  I also use a special diet to treat gluten and fructose intolerance.
  12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I don’t think anyone would choose to have an illness, but I’ll deal with the hand I’ve been dealt. 
  13. Regarding working and career:  I don’t work.  I don’t have a career.  Takes a lot out of conversations with others.  My doctor suggested I look into filing for disability, but I haven’t done it yet.
  14. People would be surprised to know:  I often don’t wash my hair for a month or more.  Water on my head is a trigger for me, especially if I have to close my eyes.  Luckily, my hair is pretty dry, and it’s long so I just tie it back.
  15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:  There are a lot of times I have to say” I can’t” or “no” to people…and to myself.  Losing most of my independence.  Not being able to drive.  And not being able to have a normal sex life.
  16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  Find the positive.  Become my own advocate.  Fire a doctor.
  17. The commercials about my illness:  The only one of my illnesses I’ve seen commercials for is Migraines.  Commercials are always drug companies wanting you to talk to your doctor about their drug.  I’m not comfortable with this, and normally the side effects they list are pretty scary.
  18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  I miss being able to go places alone.  (the answer to this question changes often, but right now, not being able to go anywhere alone is very difficult.)
  19. It was really hard to have to give up:  My hearing.  Even with technological help, I have a cochlear implant (CI) and a hearing aid, it is still very hard to hear at times.  I know my hearing with the CI will get better, but it has been very hard to loose all my hearing in one ear, and almost all of it in the other.  Without technology, I can’t hear anything.
  20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging. Reading a lot!  I’ve always liked to read, but now it’s almost an obsession.  (thank you to Kym for my Kindle!   Oh. another gadget I wouldn’t want to live without.)
  21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  I would be so very thankful!!  Then I’d spend a day pampering my husband, in and out of bed.  ; )
  22. My illness has taught me:  To be my own advocate.  To be more tolerant…I thought I was tolerant before, but I realize I needed a wake up call on that one.  That I’m not alone….this one relieves me because I needed to feel that someone understood, but it makes me so sad that others have to go through what I have.  And that I can handle much more than I ever thought I could.
  23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Any form of, telling me I’ll get better.  “When you get better….”,  “You will beat this….”   NO, I won’t.  This doesn’t go away.  I may be able to find something to make it more tolerable, but it will never go away.  And often treatments that work, stop working.   I also hate it when people say, “You don’t deserve this”  I know they are trying to be kind….but I never thought I deserved this!  And one more….”But you look so good.“
  24. But I love it when people:  Tell me how they are doing, want my opinion, want to talk to me as a friend…..Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone asks about my illness, if they are interested and want to know more about it.  But, sometimes I feel like people forget I’m anything more than my illness.
  25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: This may not be the life I expected, so I’m changing my expectations.   I don’t know if this is a quote or anything, it’s simply something I thought one day and it has helped me through accepting a lot of things that have had to change.
  26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:  Often people who have been recently diagnosed find my blog and it scares them, so I start off telling people:  Everyone’s journey with Meniere’s is different.  Most do not get to the stage I’m at, so please don’t think you are going to lose your hearing….or any number of things I’ve been though.  I’m in the very rare group.  I let them know there are many treatments to keep Meniere’s under control, and point them to sites and other bloggers who can give a different perspective.  Most importantly, I assure them, they are not alone.  They can contact me any time, and there are online groups.
  27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  That my husband and I have gotten even closer.  Thank you to our therapist, I think having to go to a therapist about all of this surprised me too.  I was not handling losing my independence very well, and hubby wasn’t communicating very well.  But by going to a therapist we began to communicate out needs much easier, and recognize our needs.  Another big surprise is that people will reach out to me.  I’m very surprised that I’ve touched people, and made some honest friendships with people I’ve never met.
  28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:  (This does not include things my husband does for me)  Come to visit me.  It doesn’t happen often, but I do enjoy other people’s company.  I hate that I often have to cancel when someone wants to do something with me.  I’m already so isolated, and if I have to cancel people often think I don’t want to see them, or I’m just too much trouble.  I don’t blame them, most of my friends have families, and they have to work their schedule around a lot of things.  So missing a visit makes it harder to make plans the next time.
  29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:   Because I have more than one. Some people I love and care about have invisible illnesses.  We need to let people know we are still people, but don’t judge us by how we look.
  30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:  That you care, and maybe you understand some things about me you didn’t before.

Ask me about it!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Life9 Comments
Question image__by_MultiCurious at deviantArt.com

I got this idea from one of my favorite bloggers LinLori.

I know many of you probably have questions for me, about my Cochlear Implant, any of my health issues…..ranging from Bipolar I to Chronic Pelvic Pain….and the newest diagnosis I haven’t even mentioned here yet….Vulvar Vestibulitis.  You may want to ask how I deal with certain things (like grieving for Sandy), or about my relationship with my husband.  You may even want to ask about my food issues.  Or what my favorite things are….whatever….I’m here to answer your questions.  If I possibly can.

Ask anything.

You all know I’m an open book…I don’t mind telling the details…so if you want to know something, now is the time to ask!

Come on ask….you know you want to know.

What to say, when you don’t feel like talking?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness13 Comments
Depression by ninykinin via DeviantArt.com

I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much.  I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state.  I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah.  I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?

I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect.  I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape?  I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.

I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else.   I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive.  This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself.  I need to get my positive outlook back.

The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better.  I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.

I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense.  I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long.  Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better.  I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan.  We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.

No Meniere’s vertigo!

My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled!  July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear!  (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!)  Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant.  (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head.  I’m sure you are all eager to see that!  : )  Just wait until you see it actually on my head!

Other things that have been happening:  We got new carpet.  We replaced our worn out couch.  We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back.   So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick!  I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect.  I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!

Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better?  Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want.  Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence.  I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house.  I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self.  I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat.  We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat.  I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal.  It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road.   We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick.  On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom.  I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom.  eww.

I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions.  I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it.  Now I resent that I can’t eat some things.  That I can’t cook whatever I want.  I don’t like this feeling.

Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday.  July 2nd!  My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today!  So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday!  He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday!  haha  Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year.  Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!”  He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49”.  I was sure I was going to be 50!  He said, “What year is it?”  I said, 2012….Ooooh!  I guess I’ll be 50 next year.”  How silly was that?  Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year!  hahaha

Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.

I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again.  I’ve missed my friends.

Word Cloud – #HAWMC 30

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness2 Comments

Today’s Prompt:  Word Cloud. Make a word cloud or tree with a list of words that come to mind when you think about your blog, health, or interests. Use a thesaurus to make the branches of your “tree” extend further. http://www.wordle.net/

I did a little bit of a different take on this prompt.  I hope you like it.

Word Cloud Collage by W. Holcombe 2012, April

Personify Your Health – #HAWMC Day 28

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness1 Comment

Prompt for today….Personify your health. If your health focus were a person – what would they be like? Describe them. Visually, emotionally, physically, and personality-wise. What kind of person are they?

I’m again using one of the Bonus Prompts.  I liked this one more than the original prompt.  However, once again, I took a different take on it.  Recently I made a mask showing what I looked like on the outside to most people, and then on the inside I showed my true self.  I felt this answered all the questions put forth in this prompt, but with a little creative flair.

Some of you have already seen this, but I think it’s worth repeating, and for those who haven’t, I hope you enjoy!

Outside of Maxk. by W. Holcombe
Inside if Mask
by W. Holcombe
Mask Inside Top
W. Holcombe
Mask Inside Bottom

Dinner Invitation – #HAWMC 19

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness9 Comments

Today’s Prompt: 5 Dinner Guests. Who are 5 people you’d love to have dinner with (living or deceased) and why?

image from http://www.123greetings.com

I thought and thought about this prompt and could think of 5 people, but realized after I invited 2 of them it wouldn’t be fair to the other 3 to have them in attendance, unless they just wanted to talk among themselves.

The first person I would invite would be my mother.  She died in 1993.

The second person I would invite would be my husband.

The two most important people in my life, never met.

This is the dinner party I would like to have, I’d like the man I love, to meet my mother.

Of course, now I’m crying and have no idea what else to say in this post…..I’ll try and muddle through…

Let me tell you a little about my mother.  My mother and I were always very close.  When I was a child we played together, as I got older we told secrets, she always knew when I really needed to talk and she’d take me for a day trip to the beach.  I didn’t realize if until years later, but those trips were huge bonding experiences for us.  Never did we leave to come home without me unburdening to her whatever was on my mind.  She was the kind of mother that all the kids wanted to be around.  I often came home to find a friend talking with her.  They hadn’t come to see me, they wanted her advice.

I think back over the past 19 years and for many of them I simply can’t believe she wasn’t here.  I actually remember her at different events.  I can almost hear us planning my wedding.  But alas, she wasn’t there.  My husband’s mother died just months before we were married.  We had an empty seat for both of them beside our fathers.  We walked down the aisle together, when we reached our parents I gave one of my flowers (I carried Calla Lillis) to my Stuart for his mother, and I had one for mine….we put them on the empty chairs, and kissed our fathers and continued up the aisle to become joined as husband and wife.

The next day we came back to the park we were married in to have photos taken, they were catching and tagging humming birds.  Both of our mother’s loved humming birds.  So much so we included the theme in our reception to include our mother’s presence.  While they were tagging the migration they allowed me to hold 2 hummingbirds.  Yes, I actually got to hold them.  You see after they are caught they have to give them sugar-water and they sit in your hand a moment to warm up before they can fly away.  We took this as a sign that our mothers were pleased with our union….a little hello if you would.

Can you blame me for wanting my mother to meet this incredible man who has taken care of me so unselfishly, so lovingly for so long now?  My mother was my hero growing up, my husband is my hero now!

I know they would adore each other.  But to have one dinner together, can you imagine?

All the stories about me growing up?  The silly stories Stuart would share with my mother?

The proud moments a mother likes to share.

To share our wedding photos with her….to tell her all about it….

My mother finally seeing me stable (I had been diagnosed with Bipolar I before she died, but I was not completely stable until after she passed away.)

My mother seeing me happy, finally very happy, in spite of what my body is going through, I am happy most of the time……that is if I could stop crying!

and to have my mother hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright…..oh what I wouldn’t give for that.
I know many of you will say she does see me, and she is always here with me….yes, I know.

But to have my mother and my husband actually meet, and have dinner with me…..that would be the ultimate dream for me.