I have a confession…

For over a year I have been clinically depressed.  I have had some small doses of mania in there, but mostly I have been shrouded in a black cloth with no hope of seeing the light.

photo by click tongue, at deviant art.com
photo by click tongue, at deviant art.com

I realize now that my psychiatrist was going through some issues of his own, and didn’t pick up on the fact that my depression was more than what I should have felt.  At one point he told me that he felt like he had done all he could for me and I should see someone else, I could not hear that he was looking out for me, I only heard that I was losing something else in my life.  He had been my doctor for close to 12 years, I felt I was just being tossed away.  So, I ended up staying with him.  It eased my mind, but didn’t make me better.  Yes, I had many things happen that gave me a reason to be depressed, but not as depressed as I was.  I wasn’t acting like me.  I really don’t remember much about 2012, I remember some horrible highlights, but not the good moments.  We all know, that is not me.  I normally cherish every moment I can, and look at things realistically, not escalate them to the point that I can’t see past the hurt.

The mania manifested itself as anger.  I was so angry at times, and I had no control over it.  I hate that Stuart was the one who had to be on the receiving end of all this emotional turmoil.

In 2012 and part of 2013 I cried every day.  Yes, part of it was losing Sandy, but it started before that.  I think the catalyst that started all of this was my diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH).   I finally knew I would never get back to the point I was at the year before.  I would never feel “normal”.  There were a lot of emotions that went with this, a lot of realized loses.  I never expected to become a completely “healthy” person.  I’ve never been one, why would that change now?  But something snapped, and I no longer felt as positive as I had.  My new psychiatrist thinks my medication had not been working as well as it should even before then, but I was handling what was coming my way.  The diagnosis just pushed me past the point of helping myself.

I won’t go into everything that happened to me last year.  I will say there were some major things that I simply could not deal with.  However, I didn’t realize it then, I thought I was doing rather well on most accounts.  I knew there was one thing that was eating me up and sent me spiraling out of control….  I posted a poem about family.  How I wasn’t very close to my biological family and I was so happy I had a family with Stuart.  I was not saying it was anyone’s fault that my family and I don’t see eye to eye, it was really more about my love for my chosen family.  Well, a member of my family saw it and sent me a comment out of the blue.  This is someone I used to be VERY close to, but now she hates me and slanders my name to anyone who will listen.  I have not heard from her for about 10 years, yet she says my friends here don’t know me.  She says I’m evil….ect.  I never expected to hear from her again, but there it was, a comment from my niece.  She is 3o years old and still holds a grudge over something.  I don’t know what, and no one will tell me.  I have a feeling it is something from my very unstable Bipolar days, but I don’t remember most of that.  I was literally a different person while that disease had hold of me.

Now I have a new psychiatrist, and after one visit I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.  I felt validated.  She understood my illnesses without me having to explain them.  She saw I have IIH and immediately said, “You can’t even exercise.”   THANK YOU!   Other doctors have said, “if you could exercise”…..blah, blah,blah.  It makes it sound like I choose not to exercise.  Not that I really can’t.  I will have excruciating pain, and will pass out.  I have figured out ways to do some weight-bearing exercises.  But I have to go slow.  I cannot do cardio, if my heart rate gets to high, I’m out.  She increased one of my medications.  And I am feeling better, but I think it needs to go up a little bit more.

However, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now it’s just a little candle, but it’s leading me out of the dark.

light at the end of the tunnel....photo from deviantart.com by zoop zoop
light at the end of the tunnel….photo from deviantart.com by zoop zoop

I have good thoughts again.  I am not crying every day.  My anger is much more under control. (I know my husband is very happy about all of this.)  In short, I’m feeling more like me.

I appreciate what I have.  Even when I’m stuck in a dark, silent room because of my migraines I am grateful I can get out of the light, and have a roof over my head.  When the world is spinning and I feel like my stomach is going to come out of my mouth, I am grateful I have a safe place where I can ride out the storm.  I may not be able to walk unaided most of the time, so I’m very grateful for my spiffy red walker, that is also a seat.

I’m grateful for my dear friends who read my rantings and support me so much.

This past Tuesday was my birthday.  I received more birthday cards than I think I ever have since I’ve become an adult.  Some made me cry (in a good way), some made me smile and feel all warm inside.  One I don’t believe the sender was thinking, or perhaps they don’t realize my hearing limitations, it played music.  I can’t understand music.  Stuart had to tell me it played Happy Birthday.  *funny*   He thought it was rude, I really think it was just a matter of not understanding.  Or wishful thinking.


12 thoughts on “I have a confession…

  1. First off — I am sorry I didn’t remember it was your birthday! I know these things, but forget the event, or where to look to find a note. I’m glad so many people sent you cards — that was a very nice thing for so many people to do. All I can do now is wish you happy unbirthday — you have one of those every day!
    Glad to hear you’ve found someone who understands your situation, and won’t say the same blah, blah, blah! I hope this helps with the depression. I cry/cried a lot with my chronic depression — but of course, I can’t feel depressed the same way you did — just to let you know that crying can be an indicator that you need to find the right dr., the right meds, the right space (inside and outside) for you.
    I wish you all the best of luck on your journey — any light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s a candle, is what you deserve. You’ve lost a lot, but I think in the process, you gained friendships.
    So, happy unbirthday — celebrate it when ever you need the sunshine it can bring!


    1. Phylor, You are such a doll. I love my unbirthdays. A reason to celebrate every day!

      I think I didn’t pick up on the clues my depression was more than it should have been because of the loss of Sandy. I’m usually very in tuned to the clues of both depression and mania, this past year just had so much going on, I lost it all.

      thank you for the well wishes. I know you are in my corner. w


  2. deb

    I am so pleased that you have a light at the end of the tunnel! What a relief to be so validated after all this time. You really are a warrior. I am proud of you for the strength you have had through all of this. I know how debilitating just the Menieres can be, so the fact that you persevered through all the other “crap” as well is worthy of praise!
    Hang in there friend and know that you have a lot of good listeners out here!


    1. Thank you Deb! Coming from you that is high praise indeed! I do have a lot of good readers, and listeners from here. I know many more follow than comment, I wish they’d chime in once in a while. I’d like to get to know them. : )

      I will admit the light is a bit dim right now, but I know it will get brighter as I get this asthma under control. It has really taken over my life. If one thing is quiet for a while, another has to jump in there and say….Nope, you can’t enjoy that reprieve! I’m here too!

      so glad you are feeling better. w


    1. Lisa, Depression sure can suck the life right out of us, can’t it. Then the chronic stuff on top! Double Whammy! I’m just so relieved you were cleared of heart troubles. Hoping you will be feeling better and better. love you w


  3. bipolarmuse

    My heart goes out to you. Though I don’t know what it is like to have the health issues you endure, I do understand crying everyday for years. 😦 It is a testament to the extreme emotional pain.
    Many hugs to you. ♥


    1. bipolarmuse: Thank you my dear. I know you understand my trials with Bipolar. I believe you do have at least one health problem that is pretty painful. I think of you often, hoping the pain will be resolved, and it doesn’t send your psyche into a tail spin. You have a lot going on right now that could make you pretty depressed. Keep an eye on that. I know it snuck up on me, and normally I see it coming long before it has gotten this far. love to you w


  4. I am so happy that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and that you have a new psychiatrist that understands. In my head, I’m doing a happy dance for you. I know it’s been tough for you and it warms my heart seeing that you are getting the help you need. You are so deserving of good things and good feelings.

    And, even though I’ve said it before, Happy Birthday!


    1. Thank you my friend. It’s just a start, but I’m getting there, in spite of my set backs.

      You too are deserving of the best! I hope it comes your way…often.


  5. Carina Rivenbark

    Wendi I’m new here but I am glad you are doing “better”. You have been through ALOT ! Family can be some of the most critical and unforgiving people in a persons life. I am on depression med. I’ve talked to psychologist but NOTHING takes the bitterness away. I am so bitter !! And I know there are people much worse off than me. I know this but I want the old Carina back. I want her back !!! I’ve been dealing with this since before 04. I don’t know what else to say. I literally don’t care anymore. Hope you all are “ok” today.

    Sent from my iPhone


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