For over a year I have been clinically depressed. I have had some small doses of mania in there, but mostly I have been shrouded in a black cloth with no hope of seeing the light.
I realize now that my psychiatrist was going through some issues of his own, and didn’t pick up on the fact that my depression was more than what I should have felt. At one point he told me that he felt like he had done all he could for me and I should see someone else, I could not hear that he was looking out for me, I only heard that I was losing something else in my life. He had been my doctor for close to 12 years, I felt I was just being tossed away. So, I ended up staying with him. It eased my mind, but didn’t make me better. Yes, I had many things happen that gave me a reason to be depressed, but not as depressed as I was. I wasn’t acting like me. I really don’t remember much about 2012, I remember some horrible highlights, but not the good moments. We all know, that is not me. I normally cherish every moment I can, and look at things realistically, not escalate them to the point that I can’t see past the hurt.
The mania manifested itself as anger. I was so angry at times, and I had no control over it. I hate that Stuart was the one who had to be on the receiving end of all this emotional turmoil.
In 2012 and part of 2013 I cried every day. Yes, part of it was losing Sandy, but it started before that. I think the catalyst that started all of this was my diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH). I finally knew I would never get back to the point I was at the year before. I would never feel “normal”. There were a lot of emotions that went with this, a lot of realized loses. I never expected to become a completely “healthy” person. I’ve never been one, why would that change now? But something snapped, and I no longer felt as positive as I had. My new psychiatrist thinks my medication had not been working as well as it should even before then, but I was handling what was coming my way. The diagnosis just pushed me past the point of helping myself.
I won’t go into everything that happened to me last year. I will say there were some major things that I simply could not deal with. However, I didn’t realize it then, I thought I was doing rather well on most accounts. I knew there was one thing that was eating me up and sent me spiraling out of control…. I posted a poem about family. How I wasn’t very close to my biological family and I was so happy I had a family with Stuart. I was not saying it was anyone’s fault that my family and I don’t see eye to eye, it was really more about my love for my chosen family. Well, a member of my family saw it and sent me a comment out of the blue. This is someone I used to be VERY close to, but now she hates me and slanders my name to anyone who will listen. I have not heard from her for about 10 years, yet she says my friends here don’t know me. She says I’m evil….ect. I never expected to hear from her again, but there it was, a comment from my niece. She is 3o years old and still holds a grudge over something. I don’t know what, and no one will tell me. I have a feeling it is something from my very unstable Bipolar days, but I don’t remember most of that. I was literally a different person while that disease had hold of me.
Now I have a new psychiatrist, and after one visit I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I felt validated. She understood my illnesses without me having to explain them. She saw I have IIH and immediately said, “You can’t even exercise.” THANK YOU! Other doctors have said, “if you could exercise”…..blah, blah,blah. It makes it sound like I choose not to exercise. Not that I really can’t. I will have excruciating pain, and will pass out. I have figured out ways to do some weight-bearing exercises. But I have to go slow. I cannot do cardio, if my heart rate gets to high, I’m out. She increased one of my medications. And I am feeling better, but I think it needs to go up a little bit more.
However, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it’s just a little candle, but it’s leading me out of the dark.
I have good thoughts again. I am not crying every day. My anger is much more under control. (I know my husband is very happy about all of this.) In short, I’m feeling more like me.
I appreciate what I have. Even when I’m stuck in a dark, silent room because of my migraines I am grateful I can get out of the light, and have a roof over my head. When the world is spinning and I feel like my stomach is going to come out of my mouth, I am grateful I have a safe place where I can ride out the storm. I may not be able to walk unaided most of the time, so I’m very grateful for my spiffy red walker, that is also a seat.
I’m grateful for my dear friends who read my rantings and support me so much.
This past Tuesday was my birthday. I received more birthday cards than I think I ever have since I’ve become an adult. Some made me cry (in a good way), some made me smile and feel all warm inside. One I don’t believe the sender was thinking, or perhaps they don’t realize my hearing limitations, it played music. I can’t understand music. Stuart had to tell me it played Happy Birthday. *funny* He thought it was rude, I really think it was just a matter of not understanding. Or wishful thinking.