Madlib – # HAWMC Day 21

Today’s Prompt Health Madlib Poem. Go to : http://languageisavirus.com/cgi-bin/madlibs.pl and fill in the parts of speech and the site will generate a poem for you. Feel free to post the Madlib or edit it to make it better.

A big break for the normal health talk, and such….

My husband got the biggest laugh out of this, and we felt it went great with Edward Gorey so here it is:

Edward Gorey Illustration photo from http://www.lesantimodernes.com

sad husband’s, sad husband.

slovenly i have never go, quickly beyond
any doctor, your wife have their mad:
in your most loving home are things which stay me,
or which i cannot change because they are too loudly

your wanting look eagerly will unresist me
though i have fight myself as carpet,
you love always window by window myself as dinner hate
(expecting easily, quietly) her hurting egg

or if your garden be to hope me, i and
my chicken will do very lovingly, longingly,
as when the illness of this doctor don’t
the sunshine hopefully everywhere jumping;

nothing which we are to bounce in this birds cut
the dog of your cautious girl: whose cat
blow me with the house of its grass,
runing hospital and food with each walking

(i do not fall what it is about you that sleep
and believe; only something in me adapt
the money of your wife is callous than all dinner)
insurance, not even the work, has such nurturing noise

– wendy & e.e. cummings

Such a Tight Group – I’ve noticed 2 AWOL

We are such a tight group, it’s so comforting to me, and sometimes so heart wrenching.

I may not know my on line friends in person, but I feel their pain just as much as I would if they were standing right here with me.  If they have a set back, I feel it.  If they have a loss, I feel it.  In the same way, if they have a milestone, I’m feeling their joy, if they learn something new I’m so very thrilled.  I share in their pain, their joys, and all the things in between.

I also worry when they disappear.

I had an email friend simply disappear for months.  Where did she go?  Was she Okay?  Turns out, yes.  Just busy and lost track of me.  That’s alright.  I’m just grateful she’s alright.

Now I’m VERY concerned.  TWO of my regular blogging friends have been AWOL since the 18th and 19th.  Where could they be. Both of these women normally post almost every day, if they don’t post, they comment on someone’s blog.  I haven’t noticed any action from either.  These women both have some serious medical conditions that could cause them to have to be hospitalized at a moment’s notice.  However, I’m just a blogging friend.  What can I do?  I’ve emailed both.  One I also messaged on Facebook, and messaged her husband on Facebook.  I have both of their home addresses, and considered calling the police to see if they could just drop by to check on them, but they don’t live alone, I know they would have been cared of if something happened.  The best scenario.  Computer crash!  I don’t have phone numbers.  I’ve never thought to ask, heck, I don’t want to seem like an on-line stalker.  And I’m VERY hard of hearing, what do I need someone’s phone number for?  I feel very helpless at this moment.

Most everyone who reads this blog knows Judith of Creativity to the Max – if you have heard from her, please let me know.  I’m worried about our tribal leader.

You may also have heard me talk about Fiona of The Angoaraphobic’s Blog – she has been pretty sick lately.  And from what I can see hasn’t been on line or on Facebook since the 19th.  She isn’t usually out of contact with me this long, especially since my new diagnosis.  I did just message her husband on Facebook, so I’m hoping he will let me know what’s going on.  She’s in Australia, and Judith’s on the opposite side of the country from me, it’s not like I can just jump in the car and go check on them

So everyone please, put your feelers out, if you have heard anything.  Let me know.

You know how this child worries, and stress is not good for me!

Wow! What Adrenaline can do!!

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(I could not read over this post to check for errors, it was just too much of an emotional day. – NO, Sandy didn’t die…just scared us.)

When I got up yesterday, I was feeling a bit off, but better every day.

Stuart fixed me something to eat and brought it to me.  Our dog, Sandy, followed him upstairs.  She was coughing a little, she’s a small dog and has a collapsed trachea, this causes her to not be able to catch her breath sometimes.  This didn’t sound worrisome, it was just a little cough, Stuart went over and straightened her throat to open the airway and she stopped,  So he scooped her up on the bed to be with Mom.  I noticed she was still breathing very hard, and her heart was just pounding, she leaned on me (this isn’t unusual) and I tried to calm her down.  Then she just fell over on the other side, she started to do these little yelps like she was in pain and stopped breathing.  I thought she was dead!  I grabbed her and opened her mouth and breathed in for her and pushed the air out again a few times…she began to breathe again.

I grabbed up my 21 pound dog and told Stuart to grab my pants I’d put them on in the car, and ran (yes, ran as much as you can carrying a 21 pound dog) down the stairs.  By then she was wagging her tail thinking this was some kind of game.  I put her down and she was still unsteady, but getting back to her normal self.  I threw on a pair of sweat pants, a jacket some shoes, while Stuart was on the phone with the Vet and putting on his shoes.  We were out and to the vet in less than 15 minutes.

The verdict, my baby had a seizure.  They don’t know why.  She is 19 years old.  They took all kinds of tests (she was due for her annual visit anyway), and we are to take her resting heart rate a few times throughout the week.  It could be her heart, it could enlarge and then cut off the airway, or it could be because of the collapsed trachea, or the cancer could have gotten to her brain.  We just don’t know.

If the resting heart rate test is off, then they’ll start her on heart meds.  If she has repeated seizures, they may just put her on seizure medication.

The good news.  The vet felt all around her bladder and could not feel the tumors.  So they have not progressed as they expected.  She’s still urinating fine, and that all looks good.

When I say my dog is 19, and has bladder cancer, Alzheimer’s, cataracts, hearing problems….I just know people are thinking that we are cruel not to put her down.  But Sandy is a happy dog!  She’s not in pain!  The vet has never even hinted that Sandy may not be living life to the fullest.  She still chases the cat, runs around…

When we checked in at the vet yesterday, the lady behind the desk said, that she has an old girl too….then she looked at Sandy’s age and said, WOW! Well, not that old, she looks great for her age.

Sandy is so very special.

Yes, I paid for my adrenaline rush.  I came close to falling more than once, but I would not stay home and not be there for my dog.  (I can only imagine what they thought when I walked in…a t-shirt that’s way too big, sweat pants, Stuart’s blue jean jacket, I hadn’t brushed my hair or my teeth…ewww. and I was walking like I was drunk.)  But there was no way I was leaving my dog!!

I did collapse a little when I got down stairs because I almost fell and was very dizzy, and thought…I can’t even take care of my dog!

What if Stuart hadn’t been here?

Stuart has an interview in Birmingham, Alabama next Wednesday.  It’s for a telecommute job, one he really wants.  But we haven’t found anyone who could stay with me.  I really think I would be alright by myself, but what if there is an emergency?  What if something happens?  I can’t drive.

We’re going to try to find a neighbor who would be home during the day, just someone I can call on in an emergency.

Here’s hoping we can find someone!  And hoping Stuart is offered this job!

And please send healing thoughts to my precious little girl.

She is a huge part of our family!!

 

Quick update…well, perhaps not so quick..

Thought I'd share a sketch from my journal I drew last week. She looks a little sad doesn't she?

I planned for this to be just a quick update…because I know you are all just sitting at the edge of your seat. haha
but I got carried away…*sarcasm coming*…but that’s just so rare. : )

Stuart had his second interview today, and he had to take a test {shudder}, should know something very soon. (Hopefully today, but no later than tomorrow I would think.)

About me…heck, I just don’t know. Hearing is way down. Not hearing from left ear…although the tinnitus sounding like static woke me up! Don’t you hate that???
Even my right ear is down a bit.
Not having vertigo, but feel off, light-headed. Often feel like I’m about to have a vertigo attack, take meds and it goes away.
Pain is minimal now. The LP site is still tender and has a small welt, but I know that’s because I had 2 within a week.
Still not feeling like I can do much. Mostly in bed. (rolling eyes here…oh, don’t do that..you dizzy headed girl!)
Went to the store, just one mile from our house, day before yesterday. To get one thing. Got home and collapsed, did not feel good at all.
Yesterday I had a couple of visitors for a few hours. It was so nice. A friend and her 1 year old came for a visit. While they were here, I just pushed everything aside, and enjoyed the moment. That child is such a happy kid! It meant a lot to me, I don’t have many visitors.
It wore me out a bit, but it was magical while they were here.
I am so not in the loop with my “friends” any longer. I didn’t know one is pregnant. (well, really I’m not friends with her, but her husband used to be close to us, before they got married…it’s strange) She’s due in February.
I didn’t know another couple had their child last week. Are these people really my friends any more? I just don’t know….

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I keep telling myself that I’ll take things as they come, and just roll with it. If life isn’t what I expected, change my expectations. But having the hope…the reprieve from all of this for months, and then it all coming back…well, it’s hard. I’m grieving, I know it. Does that mean I’m giving up? I just don’t know.

Those who have been reading my blog for a while know all the major plans I had when I was better. I really thought things would stay that way! I bought a car!! The cutest car in the world. Now, I can’t even drive it. I stated gardening, and it mostly died because I couldn’t keep it up. I was going to be a Mom. Now I won’t.

I wasn’t going to talk about all of this. I’m still hoping things will get better, but some of these things won’t change. No matter how much better I feel again, I will not pursue getting a foster child. I cannot take the chance it will happen again. I’m not even sure I’ll commit to a garden again. Too much expense, time, and effort to just watch it die.

The hearing loss, do I move on and find a way to live in the non-hearing world. I’ve joined an email group that is composed of people with severe or total hearing loss from Meniere’s. They all seem so well adjusted. But some things are so hard to hear. Most have no friends from before their hearing loss, only friends that they’ve met afterward. I simply don’t want to be to the point that all I hear is this damn noise in my head!
The other day i laughed, I had been all teary about things I can’t hear, like the cricket and things chirping on a summer night…then I realized, I hear that sound a lot, even when they aren’t around. I had to laugh. It’s the only way sometimes.

I was able to connect with my Psych today via email. I told him how I felt about things. How depressed I am, and all that stuff. He doesn’t normally use email because of the lack of confidentiality. Yeah, I don’t care who knows about me and my stuff. I know it’s ethical, and he should be that way, but certain concessions must be made for the hearing impaired! Dang-it! We’ll see how this turns out.

Once again, I’ve bared my soul.

thank you all for listening.

How my life has changed….and the straw that made the camel’s back snap.

First, I’m feeling a bit better physically today.  Not as much pain, and not having that weird feeling you get after being sedated.

This is the first time after having this procedure that I do feel like I had surgery.  (I may have mentioned that yesterday.  Forgive me if I did.)

Over the past couple of years my life had changed A LOT!

My biggest health problem went from being my hip, to the Meniere’s.

Almost everything in my life has changed dramatically starting in the winter of 2009.  That’s when the Meniere’s came back full force, and I went bi-lateral.  By April of 2010, I was getting the Endolymphatic Shunt Surgery in my worst ear to stop the attacks from happening every day.

It worked, for a while.  By October of 2010, I was ready to talk about the surgery for my left ear, the attacks had returned, happening many days per week.  That’s when I was asked if I’d be interested in the research study.

And if you’ve been following this blog you know the rest.

But just how has all of this changed my life?

  • I wasn’t working when this started because of my hip, but planned to go back to work at least part time.  That isn’t going to happen.
  • I had a little reprieve from my symptoms earlier this year.  For 4 months.  I was almost normal.  I took it for granted, and keep looking for the magic button they pushed to make it better again.
  • I’ve lost a good part of my hearing.  I can’t hear in my left ear, and even with my hearing aid it’s a bit off on the right side.
  • I don’t know how to be a friend to my old friends any longer.  We did things, went places, … you know things you do with friends.  I can’t do most of these things now.  Even when I am feeling better, my hearing is so off, I find it very difficult to spend time with people unless it’s one on one.  Restaurants are horrible, Malls…no way, parties are often torture.  Even just having one person, if they aren’t in front of me talking straight at me, it’s hard.
  • A friend recently told me that she was hurt that I didn’t put more effort into our friendship especially during my good period.  I look back and realize, I didn’t do much with any of my friends, I tried a couple of times, but my hearing was still such an issue.   And people were very busy because, life went on without me, and I was crazy busy, because, life was restarting for me.  It was difficult to get back in the swing of things, by the time I finally felt I was finding my footing….it all came crashing down again.  I look back and think…if I had known this would happen, I would have spent that 4 months much differently.  (certainly not spending most of it trying to become foster parents!  That’s not going to happen now…but I didn’t expect to only feel better for 4 months.  So most of that time, we spent wrapped up in trying to be parents.)
  • So I realized, I don’t know how to be a real friend to the people who were my friends prior to my illness.  I try hard not to have my illness be my life, but in a big way it is.  I have to think about everything I do….how will it affect me, and my illness.  How much will it take out of me.
  • When I do see my friends I try to look better.  I get out of bed, if they come over, put on something decent (even a bra!) and at least make it to the couch.  Lately, that’s a very big deal.
  • When I was feeling better and driving, and would try to meet my friends, I was scared.  I hadn’t been spending time with most people for a while, and I was uncomfortable, talking with them, trying not to talk too much about me.  But my life was changing so much, that was hard.  And now, my life is static, and it’s even harder.
  • Many of my friends don’t like to email, text, or IM…and right now that’s the only way I can communicate.  So it’s hard.
  • I can’t keep my house as clean as I’d like.  We decided to get cleaners to come in, but that might not happen again….(more about that later).
  • I feel like I really needed some time away from here..away from this house…..just a change of scenery.  I was scared about seeing my friends in Tucson, how they might react to my hearing, and health issues.  But we’ve been emailing and texting…so I don’t think it would that big of a deal.  My best friend there is Japanese, so she has a hard time communicating too, I think that makes her more understanding about my communication issues.  But, the trip isn’t going to happen.  (again, more of that later.)

I’ve been feeling like I couldn’t post a lot of things lately.  Things that have really been weighing heavily on me. (like not knowing how to be a friend….I don’t want to be just the “sick friend” people tolerate.  If I’m your friend, I want to be more than that.  And right now, I don’t know how.  I can still listen and try to give advice (if you are willing to “talk” with me by writing.)  But it does seem to take a lot of the personalization out of the situation and I know that’s hard.  I realize how hard these things are for my friends, but I wonder how many know how hard it is for me.

They have their busy lives…I get to watch the world go by without really being able to join in…they can work, exercise, have children, go to dinner parties, go shopping….things normal people do.  I can’t.  And it hurts…down deep inside…that I just can’t.  I don’t fit in.  And I don’t want to be pitied.

Oh, and our house is only 4 years old, and we have to get a new toilet.  For the master bathroom.  They said it would be cheaper than fixing it.  It broke where the tank and the seat are connected.  So one night I went downstairs, and found water everywhere.  So I’m worried about possible mold problems.  I’m being shrugged off about it.  Just put a little Kilz on it….on the ceiling downstairs, yes…but what about between the upstairs floor and the ceiling downstairs?  We had to move from a rented house once because of mold…I don’t want that to happen with this house.

Another straw landed on this Camel’s back today….I think I heard it snap!

Stuart was told his job will end in one month.  They’ve decided they can’t afford him.  *sigh*

He has an interview tomorrow.  But this breaks my heart.  I feel like he will feel he has to take the first thing he finds that pays anywhere near enough, just so we can survive.  I can’t help.  I can’t do anything to bring in some income.  I really want to do something.

This sucks.

But surely, it will get better from here.

Things have to go up from here.

I feel like I’m one of those old cartoons that have been flattened by an anvil…..now just peel me up and pop me out…and things will be better!!

Oh heck, we’ve been through a lot, we’ll get through this.

Life is changing again.

Perhaps it’ll be fun.

What are you reading? Banned Book Week

This post isn’t like most of my posts.  It doesn’t talk about me, but it does talk about something close to my heart, Reading and Censorship.

I read – A LOT!  I believe reading is one of our fundamental rights.  I do not believe any book should be censored.  If you don’t want to read it, don’t.  If you think your children shouldn’t read it, don’t let them.  But banning books is wrong, and goes against the First Amendment.

 

Take Action!  Protect your right to read!
September 24 – October 1, 2011 is Banned Book Week.

Sponsored by the American Library Association (ALA):

“Banned Books Week (BBW) is an annual event celebrating the freedom to read and the importance of the First Amendment.  Held during the last week of September, Banned Books Week highlights the benefits of free and open access to information while drawing attention to the harms of censorship by spotlighting actual or attempted bannings of books across the United States.”

As some of you may know, I made  out a list of 101 things I wanted to accomplish in 1001 days.  Reading 3 books that have been banned is on that list.

Here’s a partial list of the most often Banned or Challenged Classics:

  1. The Catcher in the Rye, by JD Salinger
  2. The Grapes of Wrath, by John Steinbeck
  3. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
  4. The Color Purple, by Alice Walker
  5. Ulysses, by James Joyce
  6. Beloved, by Tony Morrison
  7. The Lord of the Flies, by William Golding
  8. 1984, by George Orwell
  9. Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov
  10. Of Mice and Men, by John Steinbeck
  11. Catch-22, by Joseph Heller
  12. Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
  13. Animal Farm, by George Orwell
  14. The Sun Also Rises, by Ernest Hemingway
  15. As I Lay Dying, by William Faulkner
  16. A Farewell to Arms, by Ernest Hemingway
  17. Their Eyes were Watching God, by Zora Neal Huston
  18. Invisible Man, by Ralph Ellison
  19. Song of Solomon, by Toni Morrison
  20. Gone with The Wind, by Margaret Mitchell
  21. Native Son, by Richard Wright
  22. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, by Ken Kesey
  23. Slaughterhouse Five, by Kurt Vonnegut
  24. For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemmingway
  25. The Call of the Wild, by Jack London
  26. Go Tell It on the Mountain, by James Baldwin
  27. All the King’s Men, by Robert Penn Warren
  28. The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkein
  29. The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair
  30. Lady Chatterley’s Lover, by D.H. Lawrence
  31. A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess
  32. The Awakening, by Kate Chopin
  33. In Cold Blood, by Truman Capote
  34. Satanic Verses, by Salman Rushdie
  35. Sophie’s Choice, by William Styron
  36. Sons and Lovers, by D.H. Lawrence
  37. Cat’s Cradle, by Kurt Vonnegut
  38. A Separate Peace, by John Knowles
  39. Naked Lunch, by William S. Burroughs
  40. Brideshead Revisited, by Evelyn Waugh
  41. Women in Love, by D.H. Lawrence
  42. The Naked and the Dead, by Norman Mailer
  43. Tropic of Cancer, by Henry Miller
  44. An American Tragedy, by Theodore Dreiser
  45. Rabbit, Run, by John Updike
Here’s a link to the Banned and Challenged Book List by the American Bookseller’s Foundation for Free Expression (ABFFE) http://www.abffe.com/bbw-booklist.htm
Top ten most frequently challenged books of 2010

Out of 348 challenges as reported by the Office for Intellectual Freedom

  1. And Tango Makes Three, by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson
    Reasons: homosexuality, religious viewpoint, and unsuited to age group
  2. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie
    Reasons: offensive language, racism, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited to age group, and violence
  3. Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley
    Reasons: insensitivity, offensive language, racism, and sexually explicit
  4. Crank, by Ellen Hopkins
    Reasons: drugs, offensive language, and sexually explicit
  5. The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins
    Reasons: sexually explicit, unsuited to age group, and violence
  6. Lush, by Natasha Friend
    Reasons: drugs, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited to age group
  7. What My Mother Doesn’t Know, by Sonya Sones
    Reasons: sexism, sexually explicit, and unsuited to age group
  8. Nickel and Dimed, by Barbara Ehrenreich
    Reasons: drugs, inaccurate, offensive language, political viewpoint, and religious viewpoint
  9. Revolutionary Voices, edited by Amy Sonnie
    Reasons:  homosexuality and sexually explicit
  10. Twilight, by Stephenie Meyer
    Reasons: religious viewpoint and violence
Hummm, what to read, what to read?
What are you reading?  Is it on a banned list?  Do you think some people would think it should be?  (I personally think that almost any book could be challenged by someone.  There are even some books that I’ve read, and thought, this book should never be read by anyone!  But that’s not for me to say. ‘ I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it’, – Voltaire’s philosophy loosely paraphrased.)
What do you think about banning books?

So, What am I mad about now?

I Don't Like Me When I'm Angry!

I mentioned in my last post that I’m dealing with some anger issues.
I’m not talking about getting a bit upset here and there, I’m talking about some deep seeded resentment.  Something down in my gut that is just eating away at me.  Perhaps that is a bit strong…but I wanted to make a point.

I’ve been snippy, grouchy, teary, snappy….  Oh, let’s just say it, I’ve been a bitch lately.

Not all the time, at times, I’m a perfectly likable me.  Positive, light hearted, smiling, laughing…  Then unexpectedly, something will hit me in just the wrong way, something that normally wouldn’t mean anything, and I want to explode.

Finally, I tried to take a step back from the situation.  And ask myself, what are you REALLY mad at.  I’ve come up with a few things, some I bet you have felt at times, others may just be me.  I don’t like being like this.  I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, to believe things will work out, to understand that even if they don’t, I will survive.  No, not just survive, I will thrive!

It has been hard lately.  Spending almost every minute lying down.  Having horrific headaches, hearing things that aren’t there….well you all know what I’ve been going through.

And that my friends is what, I believe, I’m mad about!

I don’t want to sound petty, or ungrateful, or as if I don’t have hope.  This is just anger.  It may not be totally justified, and it’s not fair that I keep snapping at my husband, but it’s there, and I felt like I should discuss it.  (perhaps giving it a voice will help it to go away.)

I’m MAD…

  • that I’m not cured.  I know I kept saying that I understood that this was not a “cure”, that I know I still have Meniere’s Disease, and that I could handle it if my symptoms returned.  That this procedure gave me hope, and I would cherish every moment I had as a “normal” person.  (I’m not saying that those feelings have changed.  I still feel that way….but I’m still angry that it’s happening…and I don’t like myself very much for saying that.)
  • that I thought this was over.  I don’t feel that I was being as realistic as I should have been.  I’m not sure I was being honest with myself.  I knew the possibilities it could happen again, and I would need more treatment…but I don’t think it really sank in.  I put those thoughts aside and thought about the future…for the first time in a long time.
  • that I don’t feel I can plan for the future any more.
  • that I’m scared.
  • that I can’t do things I need and want to do.
  • that my house needs to be cleaned.
  • that Stuart has to do everything, and I keep getting angry with him when things aren’t done.  Or done the way I would do it.  How can I get angry at him for this?  Or am I really just angry because I can’t do it?
  • at my friends, who haven’t gotten in touch, who haven’t offered to help…the most I get from most is a quick note on facebook.  I know this has been going on for a long time, I know that my friends have lives and responsibilities.  I don’t blame them.  But I’m still hurt, and angry.  I don’t want them to feel bad.  I don’t know what I want, or expect.  I have 2 local friends who really keep in touch with me.  1 emails me often, 1 often chats with me on line.  (and I know he would be over to see me more often if he wasn’t having troubles of his own right now.)
  • at my family.  Who have never offered to help in any way.  (I must put in here, that I didn’t expect it.)
  • when I read about others who have so much more help.  Who have friends who bring them dinner, or family to come stay with them for a while, or someone to just sit with them.  (again, don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for what I do have…especially my husband)  But I am hurt, and disappointed that I don’t have more people who reach out.  And I’m mad at myself for being jealous of those who do.

Oh, I’m certain I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand by now.

This anger isn’t deserved.  It’s not even real in some instances.  I think it’s mostly about the situation.  I don’t want to be in this situation, and it makes me mad.  I don’t want my husband to be in this situation, and it makes me mad.  I don’t want to have my life on hold, and it makes me mad.

I’m trying to write this objectively, and honestly…but I’m not sure those two things go together right now.

When I got so much better after my patches in January, I started to see my friends at gatherings and things.  At first it was very hard.  I was angry at them.  It’s hard to explain.  These people mean a lot to me, but I felt like they forgot me when I wasn’t able to do much. Most didn’t ask Stuart if he needed anything.  Even when I would reach out and say exactly what I needed, I usually didn’t get it.  (I’m not talking about big things here, I wanted contact, emails…anything)  As I said before, I understand that people are busy, they have lives, and it’s hard to deal with a friend who has been having health problems for a long time, it’s not like it’s something that just goes away after a visit to the hospital, or one time bringing a caserole…this illness lasts…well, a life time.  Finally, I was beginning to feel better about things.  We would go to parties and I felt that I could mingle, and talk with people, and not feel that under current of anger.  I don’t want to feel like that again.

I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening to me.  In just the past 2 years my hearing has gone from some hearing loss in my right ear, to severe hearing loss in both ears.  I just got hearing aids in March, and I can barely hear out of them now.  When I don’t have my hearing aids in I can barely hear myself talk.  I realized I was screaming at Stuart the other night because my throat started to hurt.
But at times, for short periods of time, I can hear better.  So I don’t know what to do about the hearing aids if my hearing is fluctuating so much again.  (I’ll see Dr. Kaylie next month, I’ll ask him then.)  Of course, I’m hoping that after seeing Dr. Gray I will have some answers and my hearing will improve again.

This hearing thing makes me so mad!  Partially because of losing my hearing…but not really…I think I’m handling that pretty well.  But because having my hearing drop has always been a sign of a Meniere’s Vertigo Attack coming on.  So now, I’m constantly on alert.  I’m so jumpy, and jittery.  Every time I move my head and get a bit off balance, I’m convinced I’ll be spinning soon.  Or, I start to get used to it, and start to ignore it, like I did the other day…and I was almost hit with a full blown attack.  (yesterday, was more of the same.  Lot’s of mini-spins.)

I am trying very hard to deal with this anger.
Dang-it!  I’ve had some crappy stuff happen lately, and I’m pissed!

I’m also trying to come to terms with it.  To feel some of it and not bury it.  Just writing this helps.  Now I hope I can deal with it, and move beyond.

But, I’m also very grateful that if this was going to happen, it did it now.  Before we brought a child in to our lives.  I’m grateful, that I have good doctors who really care, and will do all they can to help me.  (I just wish I could have gotten in to see them faster. – and yeah, I’m pissed about that too!)  I’m more than grateful for my loving husband, and all that he does.  I just wish I could help him more, or get him some help.

I also want you to know…ALL OF YOU…how very much you mean to me.  How much your encouragement, and caring words have helped me through many a rotten day.
**I saw a post on Fly With Hope today, and I thought, “Yes!, that’s what I wanted to say!”  http://flywithhope.blogspot.com/2011/08/less-bitter-more-thankful.html  Thank’s Kelly, I needed to hear this.  I’m feeling more thankful already.  I promise I will not let this anger fester and become unrelenting  bitterness.

Sketching Journal

I was writing in my journal and decided I needed to add a picture of how I was feeling:

Yes, my head was hurting, and the tinnitus felt like a jet engine in my ear. This was not the best day. But the sketch was therapeutic.

Today I started sketching more as I was writing.

I was inspired by these two awesome sites:  http://www.sustainablycreative.net/ (thanks Phylor for telling me about this.)  And, http://dannygregory.com/ 

Illustrated journals can be so interesting…and inspirational.  Here’s the beginning of mine:

Decided to draw what I could see.
Having a Bad Balance Day. Thankfully, the net will catch me. (today my net has been Stuart, thanks hon)

The past two days I haven’t been able to hear much at all.  The tinnitus has been better, and the headaches have been less intense…but hearing…well…not so much.

Today, I had a mini-attack.  I felt it coming.  The world was starting to move, my stomach was doing flip-flops, I had that hot feeling….I just knew things were going to start violently spinning any moment.  Stuart kept a cook head, as usual, I was a little panicked, but worked hard to stay calm.  After taking Valium, and Phenergan…plus a phenergan suppository…things calmed down.  I’m still off balance, and not trusting myself to walk without my walker.  But I didn’t throw up!!

I hope you enjoyed my illustrations.  It felt good to accomplish something, even though I couldn’t get off the couch!

 

Birthday musings, and getting creative

How many of us start to look at our lives and come up lacking in some way, especially around our birthday, or the beginning of the year.  We make goals, or resolutions….sometimes we actually keep them.

This year is no exception for me.  I knew I was getting close to my birthday because I started looking in the mirror with a more critical eye…humm, not as young as I used to be.  Heck, I don’t even think I look as young as I did last year at this time.  Gained a few pounds, more gray hair, a few more wrinkles, and these little dark patches on my face…could they be *gasp* age spots?  {shudder}  Yes, my illnesses over the past couple of years have worn me out.

a look in the mirror

I’m already trying to lose weight, 6 pounds so far!  Now if I can just keep it up.  I’m also trying to get some more exercise, that hasn’t been going as well as I’d like, I get dizzy every time I exercise.  Hopefully, that won’t be the case much longer!

I thought about coloring my hair, but do I really want to put those chemicals on my hair.  I finally got to the point where I think all of my hair is naturally my color.  Yes, some of it is gray…but it’s me.  I’ve always liked my cool gray streak on the left side, right in the front, but now it’s on the right side too.  I don’t think I’m looking cool any more, just old.  I’m thinking of putting a natural rinse on it to make it a little shinier, a little browner, and possibly make the gray look more like highlights.  It should just wash out.  If I decide to go this route, I promise I’ll post pictures.

For the wrinkles and dark spots (I will NOT call them AGE SPOTS!), I’ll use a bit more moisturizer, and perhaps some lemon juice and hydrogen peroxide applied to the spots will help lighten them.  We’ll see.  The hubby pointed out that there was a Groupon for a Chemical Peel.  Ewww.  I told him I was not vain enough to hurt for it!  (I don’t really think he understands what a chemical peel is.)  I can’t tell you why, but I got so tickled when I told him I wasn’t vain enough to hurt for it, I mean I just laughed and laughed.  Stuart thinks it’s very amusing how I crack myself up sometimes.

I’m thinking I will go out and buy me a new outfit.  Something that fits better, that makes me look more put together.  In other words, not the over sized T-shirts and shorts I’ve been wearing.

The Artist's Way by Julie Cameron photo courtesy of http://www.theartistsway.com

I’ve also decided on joining a group on another blog Ton-Fifty-ONE is going to be having a workshop covering the book The Artist’s Way, by Julie Cameron.  The workshop is 12 weeks long, and will start on July 4th.  Just 2 days after my birthday, how fitting.  I’ve owned this book for years, and I’ve tried to go through the process more than once, but I guess I’m either not good at following through something like this without a little push, or perhaps it was made me confront too many issues?  I don’t know, but I’m willing to try it again, and I’m sure that with the push that a group will give me, I can do it this time.  Just 12 weeks…3 months…to “discovering and recovering my creative self”.  If anyone wants to join me on this journey please come along.  I know I can use all the motivation I can get!

My creativity got bogged down by my chronic illnesses.  My biggest goal this year is to use my creativity to help me with my illnesses.  Help express myself…  The words are failing me, I can’t seem to get out what I want to say.  I guess I’m trying to say, I believe in art therapy….and so much more.

Much better.

I wrote this post yesterday but for some reason I didn’t post it.  I still want to let everyone know what was going on, but I also want to say that the tinnitus has calmed down to a tolerable level, and my hearing is almost back to normal.  I’m feeling much better!!

But this was yesterday:

As we all know, I’ve been under a LOT of stress lately.  I’m really trying to take care of myself, but I still feel pretty crummy.

Last Thursday, I woke up and the hearing in my left ear had significantly dropped.  Now, it’s been over a week, and still my hearing is down.  I can’t remember a time this has ever happened before.  Normally, if my hearing drops I have an attack shortly afterward.  My last attack came after 4 days of diminished hearing, and that was unusual.

After the scare with my hubby, I have been so very tired.  I’ve been sleeping A LOT, and mainly just lying around.  I keep feeling off-balance, but not spinning.

Last night the tinnitus significantly increased.  And I really mean Significantly!  My left ear is roaring so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything else.  Sleep is almost impossible.  (I did doze on and off all night.)  It’s just so dang LOUD!  My head hurts.

I just want to scream, “What the F*%&?”

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack for over a week.  Hearing dropped, fullness increased, tinnitus increased, and disequilibrium is icky.  Being on constant alert is so tiring, and painful.  Yes, I said painful.  I am in knots, all over my body.  I am so tense I just can’t relax.  Every night before I go to sleep I have to take a hot bath to try to help the pain.

On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to losing my husband.  I just don’t know what I would do.  He is just so much of my life.  My best friend, my lover, my care-giver, my provider….  Not only would I be losing the love of my life, I’d be losing my stability.  I feel horrible for thinking about those things.  It has been so hard for me to give up so much of my independence, and I finally came to terms that I can rely on him, and accept his help…but what if, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away?  Yes, we have life insurance.  I would be provided for monetarily for some time, but money can’t give me what Stuart does.  He accepts me, he loves me, he is always there when I need him, and I need him a lot.

I’m working on it.  But that was a big scare, and it will take some time to deal with it properly.  I just hope it did some good.  I hope Stuart can find more in life to make him happy.  He has a career he’s not that happy in, but we need the money.  I would really like for us to be able to get in the position where he could afford to make much less money, and where I could contribute.  Having a job you love is much more important than having money.  Unfortunately, with the medical bills, and a mortgage, money is pretty important right now.  We thought about down sizing, and simplifying our lives, but selling the house in this market…not really possible.  But I want to have a plan.  A plan to change things.  I want for Stuart to find hobbies or volunteer work that he can find happiness in while he still has to work in a career he really doesn’t like.  We can do this.  I can help.

thanks for listening.  I feel much better today.  : )