Quick update…well, perhaps not so quick..

Thought I'd share a sketch from my journal I drew last week. She looks a little sad doesn't she?

I planned for this to be just a quick update…because I know you are all just sitting at the edge of your seat. haha
but I got carried away…*sarcasm coming*…but that’s just so rare. : )

Stuart had his second interview today, and he had to take a test {shudder}, should know something very soon. (Hopefully today, but no later than tomorrow I would think.)

About me…heck, I just don’t know. Hearing is way down. Not hearing from left ear…although the tinnitus sounding like static woke me up! Don’t you hate that???
Even my right ear is down a bit.
Not having vertigo, but feel off, light-headed. Often feel like I’m about to have a vertigo attack, take meds and it goes away.
Pain is minimal now. The LP site is still tender and has a small welt, but I know that’s because I had 2 within a week.
Still not feeling like I can do much. Mostly in bed. (rolling eyes here…oh, don’t do that..you dizzy headed girl!)
Went to the store, just one mile from our house, day before yesterday. To get one thing. Got home and collapsed, did not feel good at all.
Yesterday I had a couple of visitors for a few hours. It was so nice. A friend and her 1 year old came for a visit. While they were here, I just pushed everything aside, and enjoyed the moment. That child is such a happy kid! It meant a lot to me, I don’t have many visitors.
It wore me out a bit, but it was magical while they were here.
I am so not in the loop with my “friends” any longer. I didn’t know one is pregnant. (well, really I’m not friends with her, but her husband used to be close to us, before they got married…it’s strange) She’s due in February.
I didn’t know another couple had their child last week. Are these people really my friends any more? I just don’t know….

I hate to admit it, but I’ve been pretty depressed lately. I keep telling myself that I’ll take things as they come, and just roll with it. If life isn’t what I expected, change my expectations. But having the hope…the reprieve from all of this for months, and then it all coming back…well, it’s hard. I’m grieving, I know it. Does that mean I’m giving up? I just don’t know.

Those who have been reading my blog for a while know all the major plans I had when I was better. I really thought things would stay that way! I bought a car!! The cutest car in the world. Now, I can’t even drive it. I stated gardening, and it mostly died because I couldn’t keep it up. I was going to be a Mom. Now I won’t.

I wasn’t going to talk about all of this. I’m still hoping things will get better, but some of these things won’t change. No matter how much better I feel again, I will not pursue getting a foster child. I cannot take the chance it will happen again. I’m not even sure I’ll commit to a garden again. Too much expense, time, and effort to just watch it die.

The hearing loss, do I move on and find a way to live in the non-hearing world. I’ve joined an email group that is composed of people with severe or total hearing loss from Meniere’s. They all seem so well adjusted. But some things are so hard to hear. Most have no friends from before their hearing loss, only friends that they’ve met afterward. I simply don’t want to be to the point that all I hear is this damn noise in my head!
The other day i laughed, I had been all teary about things I can’t hear, like the cricket and things chirping on a summer night…then I realized, I hear that sound a lot, even when they aren’t around. I had to laugh. It’s the only way sometimes.

I was able to connect with my Psych today via email. I told him how I felt about things. How depressed I am, and all that stuff. He doesn’t normally use email because of the lack of confidentiality. Yeah, I don’t care who knows about me and my stuff. I know it’s ethical, and he should be that way, but certain concessions must be made for the hearing impaired! Dang-it! We’ll see how this turns out.

Once again, I’ve bared my soul.

thank you all for listening.

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9 thoughts on “Quick update…well, perhaps not so quick..

  1. *hugs* Wendy. I’m about 8-10 months ahead of you in the grieving the lost of parenting and I want you to know that it is okay to grieve. It is good to grieve. It is natural to grieve. Some days will be better. Some days won’t. You should grieve because grieving will help you to live the life you have now to the fullest. I *always* thought I was going to be a stay at home mom. Now that that is gone, and I have actively grieved it, other things that I see as my purpose have risen to the surface. Nothing will ever replace the many things we cannot do and want to do and loved to do. But grieve them so that you can live.

    When I had 8-10 months in 2010 where I was not as disabled as I had been, I had thought “This is it! I am finally well enough to parent!” I never ever thought my disease would get worse again, become practically untreatable or that I would simultaneously develop Meniere’s disease that would disable me also. It is a HARD wall you and I hit (at different times). The reality that our diseases are chronic and even if we improve again, we need to be smart about decisions we make. Some people might think we are “giving up” but we are NOT. We are choosing to live the life we have. Anyone who reads your blogs knows you are a fighter-warrior woman. I would rather enjoy what I can today, than waste my days wishing for what I probably will never have.

    Keep on keeping on warrior woman. The journey is rough, but you are not alone!

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    • Kelly, I love being called a Warrior Woman! How cool is that?

      I often do see myself living this life I’m given, accepting things, but then a wave will hit me, and bam, the realization that EVERYTHING has changed. My goodness that’s hard.

      The only reason I fear this grief, that I know is normal right now, I have known myself to grieve something way too long, and then have that turn into guilt. (my Mom would hate how much I still grieve for her after 19 years. I still can’t talk about her without crying. it’s gotten better, but it used to eat me up. I don’t want this to consume me.

      I’m sorry you had to hit this wall too. Ugh, it’s hard. You are so right about that. But I’m working on it.

      one day at a time, right? thank you for being there. I hope you are having better days. No more tackling the toilet, or bathtub, or shower curtain. I agree, REALLY? that was too much!

      hugs to you. wendy

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  2. DON’T thank us for listening. I love to listen to you and all our friends. And I greatly appreciate it when you listen to me. So enough of that. I am crossing my fingers for your husband’s job, my husband was unemployed for two and a half years so I KNOW what it feels like. What kind of test did he have to take (shivers, I hate tests). I think you have to go with the flow, good and bad and believe me it’s so HARD. you don’t need to decided right now if you don’t want to about the non hearing world but if it is a group you feel comfortable in, dance around in it. If you like it do more, if you don’t just be in the group or don’t. You will be able to tell with time about that. I LOVE your drawings, how do you get them on line or do u have an iPad? Still carrying my sketch book around, I need space and privacy I think to doodle. I still have NONE of that, we’re all still here in the one hotel room…..I didn’t think I could live through this but when you have to, you have to…..I’m on line a lot so email whenever you want. Love, Laurie

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    • Laurie, I’m sure I’ll always thank you all for being there for me…it’s something I’m very grateful for, and I like to remember that. : ) And I like for all of you to remember it too…I just love you all.

      About getting my artwork on line, I either scan it, or just take a digital picture of it. I usually have to play around with it to get it to look better. There are a few on line programs you can use for that. Picassa (part of Google, but you can save your photo elsewhere too, and put a link to it there.) Gimp, I haven’t used but hear it’s a lot like Photoshop. I also have Photoshop (thanks Vincent!) I don’t have an iPad. I do have a drawing pad, just got for my anniversary in Sept. So that’s easy to put on line, but I draw mostly with ink lately.

      About room, I have some larger sketch pads, but they just took up too much room while I’m bed bound. So I went to smaller sizes. For the past few months I’ve done all my sketching in bed. Lying down. Or in doctors offices, or recovery rooms…. My neuroradiologist saw one of my doodles and just went crazy about is, so I gave it to her. I told her from now on when I make an appointment I was going to bribe her with art. : ) Hopefully, I NEVER have to see her again!

      I keep a small sketch dad, and a pack of pens in my purse, and a pencil. I do some in pencil too, sometimes an original sketch, normally not, it just comes as it comes, mostly to shade. I don’t know what type of doodling you are doing, can’t wait to see some.

      Hope that helped.

      And thank you…Oh I guess I should say that..but I am grateful for the support!

      your friend… wendy

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  3. Wendy,
    Clearly you have lots of friends…us!!! We may not be able to physically visit you but you are in our hearts and minds every day! I check on you daily and I tell my family what is happening with “my friend Wendy”.Thank goodness for technology! So many of us would have no contact whatsoever with the outside world without it!
    You are blessed with many, many friends and I am blessed for “knowing” you!
    Hugs,
    Deb 🙂

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  4. The special thing about the cyberverse is the opportunity to “meet” folks you wouldn’t normally do so in the real world. Folks in the cyberverse communities (such as the one you wrote about re hearing impaired) understand what you are going through, care about how you are doing, and provide support in whatever way they can, or whatever way you need.
    I know depression and grieving all too well. But sometimes, as Kelly said, you do have to grieve for a while. My life certainly didn’t turn out the way I had planned/dreamed, and I’m still dealing with the ramifications of that.
    Many people believe that if one door/window is closed, another will open. I hope that you find your open window; one that shows a landscape of bright colo(u)rs, warm sunlight, maybe even dancing fairies or sparkling moon beams. May you wish upon a falling star and have that wish come true. And, good luck to Stuart with his job seeking; I hope he lands this job!

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  5. AWW, I just have to say that I too, am truly grateful for all the support and ok, I guess I want to thank you. Sorry, Wendy, I guess I don’t think other people need to thank me but I have to thank others. We are all in this together. Nothing (at least for me) turns out the way you thought. Am feeling lonely tonight, in a bad flare up and my son’s birthday is tomorrow and after I reread the post I wrote about him the other day, I cry some more. We have each other to hold on to….if not in person, in cyberspace. Hugs to everyone.

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  6. Hugs to everyone, I’m so glad technology allows us to be there for each other. There is nothing better for the soul than to be able to talk to people who understand.

    Wendy, remember my 5 stages of grief post? We are always in at least one of the stages. Just as our lives change, so do the stages. We are always trying to find our way while we deal with what is happening in our lives. We may not like what has happened to us. But change is a constant of life that we can’t get away from. So, it’s OK to grieve.

    But, you ask if you are giving up and I don’t think you are. You are in contact with your doctors and you are active in your healthcare. You knew the risks of the new procedure and you hoped it would work or that the doctors would gain some knowledge to help others.

    We all need hope. Life is a struggle but we can’t lose hope and we can’t give up. We will all have our dark times, but there is still too much to lose if we give up on ourselves.

    Maureen

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