Tag: Depression

Stop apologizing

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Hearing Impaired, Meniere's Disease1 Comment

I don’t often reblog a post from so when I do you know the person said something I think is important.  What Denise, from Hearing Elmo talks about is important.  We have to stop apologizing for our “normal”.  Please check out her site for many more important topics, Denise is an amazing advocate.

The other day my iPhone died before I was getting ready for bed. I was a little shocked, because I rarely have it just “die” on me. The new ones have batteries that last much longer – even if you are a frequent user of the device like I am. I stood there with dead […]

via My iPhone Lasts Longer Than I do — Hearing Elmo

Have you tried? Do you think ___ caused it?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health14 Comments
butterfly color
Butterfly, by w. holcombe

Hello.  My name is Wendy.  I just turned 53 years old and I have chronic illnesses, including Meniere’s Disease.  Unless something amazing happens, they are not going to go away.  Sometimes I feel I need to make this statement before anyone speaks to me.

Recently I was asked a few things about my health.  This was not by people who see me often, or have much knowledge about my illnesses.  This is how I handled a few of the questions, some of it was good, some not so good.

Have you tried yoga?  It can really help your balance.  I used to do yoga regularly until the Meniere’s Disease got so bad and I ended up on my face during a class.  It can only help your balance if you have some to start with!  After having a disease ruin your balance system, yoga isn’t possible.  (ok, this may have been a bit harsh, and some people with Meniere’s may get some help from yoga, I don’t know.  However, anyone as advanced as I am, who has been through Vestibular Therapy and still has balance issues all the time, cannot do yoga.  And if you have had a disease the compromises your balance for as long as I have, do you not think I would have heard about YOGA by now?)  

I heard about these positions you can get in that will make vertigo go away.  Why can’t you just do that?  There are maneuvers you can do to help certain types of vertigo.  However, there are numerous causes for vertigo and what causes mine can not be helped by those maneuvers. (do people think my doctors would just let me suffer  this much if it was so simple to “cure” my vertigo?)

Do you think this could have been caused by all the drugs back when you were younger?  Okay, this one caught me off guard.  I thought, what the heck is she talking about?  I may have experimented a little when I was younger, but she wouldn’t have known that.  I must have looked shocked and said, “nooooo?”  She then explained, “All those psychiatric drugs they put you on.”  I was shocked.  How could someone think that the treatment I received for my mental illness caused me to get chronically ill?  I’m sure I looked shocked when I answered, “No.”  “Well I was thinking….”  I stopped and said, “I know many people with Meniere’s disease and really we have nothing in common except some of us have relatives with the same disease.  They have no idea what causes this.”  “That’s good to hear, I’ve been so worried about it.”  “Well there is no need to worry about that.  The medication I’ve taken for my Bipolar did not cause me to get ill.”   AHHH!

This last question has continued to plague me.  Is this one of the reasons people do not seek help for their mental illness, they are afraid of what side effects the medications may cause?

I have Bipolar I disorder.  I take medication for it.  I also try to keep a good sleep schedule, eat well, keep my stress controlled, and see a therapist…there is a lot more to taking care of yourself  when you have a mental illness than just taking your medication.

I have never been afraid of taking my medication.  Each time my medication is changed my doctor and I talk about it.  We discuss exactly what it is supposed to do, any side effects, if it will react with any other medications I’m on at the time, and if the side effects are worth it.  I don’t just take a medication not knowing what it will do to me.  No one should do that.  If your doctor does not automatically discuss these things with you make sure you ask BEFORE you fill your prescription and start taking a medication you are not familiar with.  I also advise you to read the information the pharmacist gives you about your new medication just in case your doctor forgot something.  It happens, doctors are human too.

I have decided to take a medication even though I knew there was a chance it could cause damage to my thyroid.  It did.  I now have to be on medication for hypothyroidism.  Am I upset that the medication caused this side effect.  No.  I went into this with my eyes wide open.  At the time there were very few medications to treat Bipolar I and I decided the pay off from the drug was worth the side effect that it may cause.  I’m still happy I decided to take that medication and have those years as a stable person.  Truthfully, I would take it again today if that was the only medication that would keep me stable.

I would hate to think that people would not seek out treatment for any illness because they are afraid of the side effects of the medication they might be put on.  Become informed.  Know what the medications will do.  Know how it will help you and the side effects it may cause, you decide if it is the right medication for you.

Many of you may be thinking that there are times that a certain side effect is unknown.  You are right.  There are many stories of someone who took a medication and had a severe reaction.  There are stories of people taking a medication and years later they find out that it hurt them in ways they never knew it could.   These stories are not typical.  We simply can’t live in fear and not be treated because of the “what ifs”.

I can tell you, if I hadn’t been treated for my Bipolar for all these years, my life would be totally different, and not in a good way.  I can almost tell you for certainty that I would not be alive to write this post.  I will never regret taking the medications that helped save my life.

 

Stress and 12 Ways To Cope With It.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, stress15 Comments

Recently I’ve been feeling pretty sick.  Having vertigo regularly and having migraines daily again is taking a toll on me.

The stress in my life has increased significantly and “chronic stress has a significant effect on the immune system that ultimately manifest an illness.” (Mohd. Razali Salleh 2008)  I don’t know how many doctors have told me that I need to control my stress.  Unfortunately, that is much easier said than done.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes.  We have major things that cause stress, like someone close to us dying, or being diagnosed with a chronic illness. We have little things that cause stress, like a traffic jam or being late for an appointment.  We even have stress from good things in our life, like moving into a nicer home, or having a baby.  Every moment of stress can cause havoc on our health.  Chronic stress is caused more by the big things, the things that don’t just go away, but the little things can build up and be “the straw the broke the camels back”.

In mid April we moved from this a tiny little duplex that I felt very uncomfortable in to a larger house with a beautiful backyard.  This relieved one huge bad stressor on me and created a new happy stressor, but a stressor none the less.  It has been 2 months since we’ve been in this house and we still aren’t settled in, this causes me a lot of stress because I know if I was not sick, this would not be the case.

At the beginning of May we had a friend move in.  Someone who is going to be helping us out and we are hopefully going to be helping him out.  No matter how smoothly this move-in was, no matter how much we all love each other, no matter how good the situation will be, it has caused stress.  Suddenly I have someone else in my home and I’m not used to that.  I’m not used to people seeing me sick.  I haven’t been around many people at all for the past few years and suddenly there is someone living with me.  I’m not used to sharing my space with anyone other than Stuart.  This has caused a huge amount of stress.  It’s unintentional, I didn’t expect it, and I’m sure it will ease, but right now it’s there.

My father’s health is declining.  He lives over 3 hours from me.  I can’t just jump in the car and go see him. I can’t spend this precious time with him.  I can’t help care for him.  I can’t help my sister.  About the only thing I can do is give my sister encouragement.  I can text her and listen.  That isn’t real help and It breaks my heart.  The guilt is overwhelming, so is the stress.  This is the first time since I stopped driving that is has caused me such anguish.  I know even if I could drive I’m not well enough to care for someone who is ill, and I’m feeling guilty about that too.  Guilt is a huge stressor.

Of course, the fact that I’ve been sicker is a major stressor too.  A huge Catch-22 huh?

A little fairy, something I created. Creating is a great way to relieve stress.
A little fairy, something I created. Creating is a great way to relieve stress.

What can we do to reduce the effects of stress?  Well there are a few things, many of which are hard to remember when you are in the throws of being sick.  However, there are things I try to do, they include:

  • Meditate:  I usually use guided meditations, there are a lot of apps out there to help you with this, and you can find many of YouTube.  There are different guided meditations that help with different things.  I often do the body scan meditation, I’m so used to this one I can do it without the aid of a guide.  You simply focus on a part of your body, I start with my feet, and move on throughout the body paying attention to what each part is saying.  Don’t judge, and don’t worry about doing anything, relax into it if you can, but mainly just note it and move on.  For each part really pay attention.  For example, right now as I focus on my feet I notice my toes are a bit chilly, my heals are pressing into the floor, an old ankle injury is causing a little bit of pain, but nothing that should concern me; I’ll stay here for just a bit to see if there is anything more I need to pay attention to, then I’ll move on to my calves.  For some people this can be uncomfortable, getting in touch with their body can bring back repressed memories, be aware of this and take care of yourself accordingly.   This is just one example of a meditation I often do, there are many, feel free to practice this any way you feel comfortable.
  • Deep Breathing:  This is pretty simple but can be a great stress reliever.  Simply stop and focus on your breathing.  Put your hand on your belly and feel the breath fill up your abdomen and then go out.  Do this for about 5 minutes, or just take a few deep breaths when you need and carry on.  I find this very cleansing.
  • Some me time:  Find time just for yourself.  I take a hot bath with Epsom salts and sometimes candles.  It’s a me time.  Some people are not comfortable with this, if it isn’t for you, don’t do it.  See if you can find something that is just for you that you consider self care.  Paint your nails, put lotion on your feet, have a nice cup of tea …. these are all things that I like to do, find your special thing.
  • Stay in the moment:  When we are under a lot of stress it’s easy to build things up in your mind about how bad things are going to continue to be.  Stop and try to focus on this moment.  The future hasn’t been written yet, things will never stay the same.  When I’m having a vertigo attack I try hard to stay in that moment.  It’s a rough moment sometimes, but I know it will end.  I can deal with anything for a moment.  I wrote a whole post about that, Living In This Moment.
  • Bitch:  I don’t mean to wallow in your misfortune, but reach out to someone you trust and just let it all out.  Maybe get some advice.  I hold things in way too much so, I feel better when I talk to a friend and just let it go.  I have a good friend who never judges and gives great advice, sometimes I even take it.  🙂
  • Exercise:  This one is really tough for some of us.  It’s very tough for me.  However, the release of endorphins when you exercise will make you feel better.  I try to do stretches, and walk as much as I can.  Don’t let it stress you out if you can’t do this, I often can’t, just do what you can, doing something good for ourselves makes us feel better.
  • Eat Well:  Again, doing something good for ourselves makes us feel better.  When I’m under a lot of stress I often binge eat.  I crave sweets and I’m literally hungry way more often…like all the time.  I’m trying hard to munch on things that are good for me.  When I do this I feel better about myself.  When I give in and eat a lot of junk, I get even more stressed out.
  • Laugh:  How can you feel stress when you are laughing?  Watch a funny movie.  Read a funny book.  Play.  I play with my dog, she always makes me laugh.  My husband often makes me laugh too.  Laughter has really saved me a number of times.  I have been spiraling into a deep depression, but finding things to laugh about helps.
  • Listen to Music:  I can’t do this one because a lot of music sounds weird to me since I got my cochlear implants, however music can soothe your soul.  Just lay back and turn on some tunes.  Listen to relaxing tunes to calm down, peppy tunes to help you get moving, happy tunes to make you smile.  Music can melt stress away.  (My husband and I often sing out loud and make up silly songs, this makes me laugh.  I’ll also hum to calm myself.  So even though I can’t hear music it is a big part of my life.)
  • Create:  Write, paint, draw, color….do anything that gets your creative juices flowing.  When you get really involved in creating it can produce the same positive effects that meditation can.
  • Have sex:  Perhaps a little Too Munch Information here, but I feel it’s worth a mention. Having sex, talk about an endorphin release!  Not only does sex release endorphins it makes us feel close and secure in our relationship.  The feelings that are released during sex can be a great stress reliever.  (masturbating can be very releasing too)
  • Be Grateful:  When we stop and take note of the things we are grateful for instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong it can be very cathartic.  Sometimes you may feel you have nothing to be grateful for, but we all do.  Chances are if you are reading this you don’t live in a war-torn country, you have a safe place to live, you have enough food to eat, clean running water….  We take so many things for granted, but we have so many things to be grateful for, take a moment, step back, and think about things you are grateful for.  I try to list 3 good things every day.  3 things I’m grateful for.  You may find this practice very helpful too.

How do you handle stress?  Any suggestions for me and others?

I admit when I’m under a lot of stress I have a hard time implementing my stress relieving techniques, but just sitting here listing them makes me realize that I have ways to help myself and it has given me the incentive to get busy and try more of them.

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Depression, it’s not just being sad.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health2 Comments

Recently someone asked me to write a post on what I felt depression was like.  Funny thing, I had just read a post over at Bipolar BarbieQ that included that very thing, I think everyone could get a lot from her post I’m the Queen of Run-on’s it is an honest gut wrenching post and I wish all of you would read it.  (yes this is the second time I’ve shared this post, I really like it.)  She also had this really cool graph in her post, so I’m going to steal it.

depression graph

 

Most people think that Depression means you are Sad.  Even Webster’s Thesaurus will say that Depression and Sadness are synonyms.  Well yeah, you are sad when you are depressed, but there is so much more, so very much more.

When someone says they are depressed, that means they are sad, when someone says they have depression, this is a mental illness.  When you look up the definition of Depression you get both answers, “(1) :  a state of feeling sad :  (2) :  a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

I think feelings of Depression can vary from person to person.  Profound Depression is all-consuming.  You don’t just feel sad, it consumes you.  You have difficulty doing anything else because your feelings are so torn up.  It spirals down to the depths of your soul and you are trying your best to claw your way out.  Depression can also have states of severe anxiety mixed in, feelings of paranoia, feelings of suicide.  When you are just sad, you don’t have all of these other emotions consuming you.  With depression you often just feel numb most of the time. Nothing can bring you out of that darkness.  You find joy in absolutely nothing.

The definition above mentions “difficulty in thinking and concentration”…yes we can click that off my list.  “A significant increase or decrease in appetite”…oh I eat, I want comfort food, or anything that might make it in my mouth sometimes. I’ve actually envied people who lose their appetite when they are depressed.  “Time spent sleeping”…now this one is tricky.  Sometimes I sleep a lot, sometimes I can’t sleep at all.  Normally, I have a very hard time sleeping when I’m very depressed. “Feelings of dejection and hopelessness”  YES!  That is the overwhelming feeling that I have, HOPELESSNESS.  “Sometimes suicidal tendencies”..this depends on just how deep my depression gets.  Normally I am not suicidal but I’ll wish I wouldn’t wake up.  I’m just so tired and hopeless, I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore.

Something they don’t mention, I cry, a lot.  I’m an emotional person anyway, but when I’m depressed I cry every day, many times a day.  Not just a few tears, I sob.

There are other feelings that get all mixed up when I feel depressed.  I feel very guilty. What right to I have to feel depressed when there are so many tragedies in the world?  What am I putting my husband and friends through when I’m like this?  Why does it keep coming back, it must be me?

I get angry.  Angry at me, angry at everything.  I try not to speak to people because the thoughts in my mind are so snide.  Why can’t they get it?  Why can’t they do things the way they should?  Yes, in my mind everything needs to go the way I think it should, then I’d be happier.  I want to control, everything.  I think that’s because I feel so out of control.  I lash out.  Some of this must be someone else’s fault, if I can find out who then I will have to feel better.  I feel so alone. I try to isolate myself from other people so I won’t hurt them, even though being alone is the worst thing I could do.  I never said I was being logical.

When depression takes hold of me I used to believe it would never end.  Now I know it will and that helps me get through it. It makes me seek help.  I keep telling myself, “This will end.  This will end.”

I do not just have Clinical Depression, I have Bipolar I disorder.  That means that, unless I’m stable, I will have severe manic states and depressive states.  As I said, I used to think when I was depressed that nothing could pull me out of it, but then I’d be okay for a while and couldn’t believe I ever thought that way.  Then I’d go manic and think that nothing could harm me.  After a manic swing, I couldn’t believe I ever felt that way.  I’m lucky that I’ve been mostly stable for a long time now.  I will have break through depression sometimes and need my medication adjusted.  My new psychiatrist told me that often when people get older they have fewer manic swings but battle depression more.  That’s why he prescribed a drug that is for Bipolar Depression, and it seems to be working well.

If you are having any symptoms of depression please seek out professional help.  It doesn’t just go away.  Psych Central lists the first steps to getting help, and a list of professionals in your area.  You can find this information here.  Where To Get Help For Depression.

If you are having suicidal thoughts please call

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255

 

Blog Posts I’d like to Share

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness5 Comments

Ok, so I planned to enter more posts I’ve read that made an impact on me, but if you’ve read my last post you know I’ve been going through a mess.  I started this post before I started having the run on vertigo, and I really wanted to make sure everyone saw these wonderful posts.  There is a lot of good information out there and I’m ever so eager to share some of the things I’m learning.  (BTW, I’m feeling much better!!)

Recently I’ve been reading some really great posts and articles on-line and I’d really like to share a few.  I wish I’d written some of this great information.  So please take the time to read:

Markovich Photo Art
Markovich Photo Art

From ADD and So Much More, Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CMC, MCC, SCAC takes on the subject of Loneliness ins a must read 3 part series:  Part 1 – The Importance of Community to Health  Part 2. –  Sliding Into Loneliness  Part 3  – When you’re longing for Connection

On Living with Hearing Loss, Shari Eberts asks the question Why is it Still OK to Make Fun of Hearing Loss?  If you have hearing loss, know someone who has hearing loss, or simply want understand the hearing loss world, you should check out this blog post and much of Shari’s blog.

Bipolar Barbie-Q takes on how it feels when you are in the throws of depression.  (this is a subject I plan to cover soon myself, but you need to read her post, it’s raw, and full of passion, and will give you a great understanding on how complicated depression is.  I’m the Queen of Run-On’s.

 

I hope you have a good read today.

 

 

 

Roller Coaster —– Down

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, vertigo11 Comments

I wrote my last post with just joy in my heart and feeling better than I had in as long as I can remember.

Then I crashed.

That evening I had a bout of vertigo, but I would not let it put a damper on my day.  It was a glorious day, and I will hold it in my heart.

But it’s over, at least for now.  Forgive me if this post doesn’t make as much sense as it should, I’m writing it as I watch the screen dance before my eyes.  This is incredibly difficult, but I felt the need to tell everyone I’m not doing that well and I wanted to talk about it.

For nearly 3 days now I’ve had vertigo almost constantly.   It may be slow at times where I just barely see the world moving, other times I can still handle it, it’s very hard to focus on anything and I can’t hear very well.  Then I have times like I did last night.  I was so sick.  I didn’t sleep until 4am.  I fought then nausea and vomiting.  I had severe stomach cramps and feel like I threw up all night, but I’m happy to say I didn’t.  (thank you to all my medications, and my darling husband who stayed by my side and chanted with me for hours).

I’m amazed at how much this has changed over the years.  When I first started getting vertigo, and when it only came around a few times a year, I would have been throwing up for most of the last 3 days.  I think the biggest thing that has changed is that I rarely freak out from it now.  I don’t fight it.  I know what’s happening.  I try to just go with the flow.  That doesn’t mean I don’t panic and that it doesn’t get to me, after a few hours I’m freaking out a bit.  What if it never ends.

This makes me not want to live.   I’m stuck in this chair, I can’t walk by myself, I can’t even use my walker most of the time without falling.  Stuart and I have to walk in tandem to take me to the bathroom.  I have my head on his chest and he walks backward to get me there.  This is not a life.

I can’t communicate well.  I can barely understand anything that is being said.  I can’t focus on anything most of the time.  Literally, right now I am typing on a computer that is swaying on my lap.  If I didn’t type by touch, you wouldn’t be reading this.

Last night I went to sleep hoping to not wake up.  Don’t worry I’m not suicidal, I just want live like this to end. The only way I can see this stopping is to not be here anymore.  The risk with the gentamicin is so scary.  I just don’t know what to do.  Plus finding a doctor who would actually do it, well that’s a whole other thing.

My new doctor has mentioned steroid injections.  I’m not sure it will do anything, but it can’t hurt to try.  If I can hold it together long enough to get it done.  And handle the side effects that are sure to follow for a while.

If I can get through more days like this.  Days where the world spins at what ever speed it wants.  Days where I can do nothing but sit here and wish for it to stop.  Days where the steroids are making me so hungry, but I’m so nauseous at the same time.  Unfortunately, the hunger wins most of the time.  So I guess I’ll sit here and eat and just pray that this there is something that stops this.  Something inside me that can slow this down enough that my eyes and brain aren’t so tired from trying to make sense of it all.

What do I do.  I try to remember that is will not always be this way.  It will end.  I will have some relief.  I have to believe.   I will admit that is my biggest fear, that it will never end.

If you walked in my house right now I’d look perfectly fine, minus the few tears on my face.   I’m sitting in a chair, staring at the computer, the TV is on in the background, hubby is sitting in another chair munching away.  I look like I’m perfectly fine.  But I’m fighting like hell just to hold it together.

This moment.  I can get through this moment.  I know I can.  The next moment isn’t here, things will change.  I know it will.  That is the constant in the universe, everything changes.  I will be in this moment, as crappy as it is, but I know it will change.

Sometimes that isn’t a good thought, I know this change could be worse.  I’m not good with worse right now.

When people who have never had vertigo here me say, I’m having an attack, they have no idea what I’m talking about.  However, I think when those of us who have vertigo mention, we had an attack, or we are having an attack.  We don’t think about how bad it really is, until it is happening to us again.  And we don’t think about how different vertigo can be for different people.  I have found myself thinking, “If you are having an attack, how could you possibly be typing?”  Yet here I am.  When I only had the most horrific vertigo attacks and I heard someone say they had vertigo and it wasn’t like mine, I wondered, “Do they really know what vertigo is like?”  Now, I can’t judge.  I understand.  Vertigo can manifest itself differently.  You can see the world rotate, at different speeds, it doesn’t always have to be so fast that the world is a complete blur, it can mean that the world is slowly rotating, I see things they simply will not be still.  Both are vertigo, I can just handle one better than the other.

Then I’ve found you can have vertigo where you feel you are moving but you don’t see anything moving.  Most people say they feel like they are on a boat or something similar.  I do have this kind of vertigo too, for me this is not as bad at the visual vertigo, for others this could be much more dramatic.  I was rushed to the hospital once because the vertigo made me feel like I was being tossed around the room and I was completely still.  I threw up a lot during that one, unfortunately I don’t think the ambulance attendant got out of the way of that once.  I knew something was wrong, I thought I might be dying.  I remmeber telling Stuart if I died I was happy everyone I love knows it.

When we got to the ER, they couldn’t do anything.  Pumped me full of more of the meds I already have at home and told me that vertigo can make you feel like that.  Inside I freaked out thinking, “I could feel like this again?”  Now I have this recurring vertigo where I’ll suddenly feel like I’ve stepped into an open elevator shaft and I just keep falling.  Stuart will hold me so tight and tell me I’m not falling, but I am.  I know I am.  I see the world rush by, I feel my body dropping.  It has happened once without him here and I thought there was no way I could get through it.   I did.  But I never want to do that alone again.  I never want to do it again at all, but that is kind of unrealistic.

Again, I want to assure everyone I’m not suicidal.  I do believe this will stop.  If it doesn’t there has to be someway that I can learn to live with it.

I didn’t post this when I finished because I started having much worse vertigo and I couldn’t see the publish button anyway.  I might be able to type by touch but I can’t see that dang little cursor.  This morning things are better. I’m still swaying, things are still a tad off, but it’s better.  In this moment.  that’s the only time I can count on.

Update 5.10.2016

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Migraines11 Comments

bird on handicap sign.jpg

It’s been a while since I’ve written a simple update about me.  Other than the migraine scenario.

What’s going on right this second?  My head hurts!  Yes I’m still fighting migraines.  I’m also having vertigo again, every day for the past week.  Yesterday I had it all day long!  It would go absolutely crazy, then it would slow to just barely moving, then it would go crazy again.  This went on for 12 hours.  I’m starting a regimen of steroids.  I don’t like being on steroids because they think that may be what caused the Avascular Necrosis in my hip, but I’m desperate.  My headache speicalist and my ear doctor both agree that steroids is the best thing to stop this cycle.  So here we go again.

I finished my Vestibular Rehabilitation Therapy.  It was a great experience.  I hope it did a lot of good.  I say hope because I wasn’t having much vertigo when I was going through therapy.  I was amazed at how well I progressed through the exercises.  On the last day, I had a vertigo attack start right there in the exercise room.  All I could do was hold on to Stuart and my therapist and squeak out, “I want to go home.”  A wonderful way to close out an otherwise great experience.  Since that last appointment I haven’t been able to do any of the exercises without falling.  I’m sad and pissed.

I’ve decided not to do the gentimicin injections.  There are so many risk.  When I’m at my worst I will think I don’t care about the risk, I’m willing to try anything, but I just went through a month of very little vertigo.  If I have the gentimicin injections I may never have good days.  I might not be able to learn how to balance without my ears.  And it does nothing to stop the vertigo caused by migraines.  What if most of my vertigo is migraine related?  I would still have vertigo and have to fight having no balance system in my ears.

My new ear doctor is thinking about trying steroid injections in my ears to see if it helps. (one ear at a time) But we will wait until I’m really bad again.  (If things keep up like this past week, we’ll be talking about this fairly soon.)  Steroid injections don’t carry the risk that gentimicin does.  It wears off, so if it works it often has to be repeated every 3 months. Since they think my Menerie’s is autoimmune, this is a good diagnostic tool, and if it makes me feel better, great.  Therefore, this is a good thing to try before deciding on gentimicin.  My new doctor is not a fan of gentimicin, but did not say he wouldn’t rule it out as a very last resort.

I’m sad right now.  Things aren’t going well.  Too many times I feel I’m saying, “I’m having a bad day.”  There have been days I’ve been so angry I felt like I didn’t know myself.  For the first time in a long time, I feel handicapped.  I hope all of this is part of my health not doing well, added stress and maybe menopause.  Not my bipolar medication taking a nose dive.  We’ll have to wait and see.

I have a couple of questions for those of you who have seen a naturopath or holistic doctor; Did seeing one help you?  How did you chose which one to go to?  I’ve been thinking about seeing one to try to get my over all health better, but I have no idea how to figure out who to pick.

As always thank you for supporting and caring about me.

 

#WorldBipolarDay 2016

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness8 Comments

#WorldBipolarDay is celebrated on Vincent VanGogh’s Birthday, who is believed to have had #bipolar disorder.

stary night

This year’s #WorldBipolarDay “theme is “More Than A Diagnosis”, as we want to show the public that individuals who live with bipolar disorder are more than their diagnosis; they are capable of living full, successful lives, despite and in spite of their diagnosis.” – See more at: http://ibpf.org/wbdresources#sthash.TlZ5dveb.dpuf

I have bipolar disorder, formerly known as Manic Depression.  It is characterized by periods of extreme highs and lows that interfere with some or all aspects of a persons life.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health there are an estimated 5.7 million people 18 and over and and 750,000 children in the US affected by this disorder.

The lows include extreme depression.  Sadness most of the time, changes in sleep paterns, appetite and possibly weight. There is a feeling of worthlessness and guilt and an inability to find enjoyment.  A person often has thoughts of death or suicide.

The highs, or manic part of the cycle, include increased levels of self esteem and grandiosity.  The person seeks out pleasurable and risk taking experiences often to the point of danger, including  sexual prowess,  drug and alcohol abuse and shopping sprees.  Mania can also include sudden outburst of violent and unpredictable behavior.

Bipolar Disorder can be treated most often with mood stabilization medications and psychotherapy.

Like all illnesses following a wellness routine is essential.  Stay mindful of your moment to moment experience and recognize the signs of mood swings early.  Be sure to get enough rest, eat well, exercise, take your medications as prescribed, and develop a strong support network.  Often these steps are very hard to do, but it is essential that we take care of ourselves the best we can.

I have never hidden my diagnosis.  I know there are many people who feel they can’t share their diagnosis due to prejudice against the mentally ill.  We should all fight to stop the stigma surrounding Mental Illness.

Always remember we are #MoreThanADiagnosis.  I am a friend, wife, artist, blogger and more.  I am creative, intelligent, loving, compassionate and much more.

The people at the International Bipolar Association “…encourage people who live with bipolar disorder to remember that they can accomplish great things even though they have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and to remind them that there is a very supportive community out there for them to reach out to.”

#WorldBipolarDay, all day.

Happy Birthday Vincent!

 

 

Out Of The Darkness

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness13 Comments
abstract 2 (1)
In the Swirl, by w. holcombe

I have Bipolar I, that means that I have the highs (mania) and the lows (depression) that go with Bipolar.  I’ve been mostly stable for the past 20 years.  However, for over 2 years I’ve been fighting depression pretty hard.  I’ve been on different medications, but I was not feeling better.  I kept thinking it was everything that was happening in my life.  Having vertigo almost every day, losing more of my independence, moving so hubby could have a job after being laid off for over a year, having to have my hip replaced due to Avascular Necrosis, well you get the picture.

I saw a new psychiatrist last month, he took me off of one antidepressant that obviously wasn’t working and put me on another medication.  It is like a veil lifted from over me, the darkness has given way to light.  I no longer cry every day.  I’m feeling hopeful. I feel like me.  OK, now I’m going to cry, from from relief and happiness.

My new psychiatrist told me something interesting, he said that often later in life a person with Bipolar I doesn’t have as many highs they have more depression. (I’m 52, I’ve shown signs of Bipolar since I was a child.)  So he so he decided to put me on a drug that is for Bipolar Depression.  The drug is is “a psychiatric medication that belongs to the class of drugs called atypical antipsychotics. It works by helping to restore the balance of certain natural substances in the brain.”  It has been a month and I’m amazed at how much better I feel.  Even when things have happened that would have upset me, I’ve handled it with ease.  How cool is that?

I’m so very grateful that someone and something was able to help.

I haven’t mentioned the names of any of the drugs because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advertising for it.  If you want to know, I’ll be happy to tell you in a comment.

today is a good day.

one moment at a time.

On my mind…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Disability15 Comments
me pop and terry2
Left – Terry, my sister, Middle – My Pop, Right – Wendy, me

I don’t talk about my family often, other than hubby and the furry babies.  But there is something on my mind, something that may explain part of sadness.

My father had liver cancer in 2013, he went through treatment (chemoembolization) and they got it.  It was a much easier way to treat cancer than anything I’ve ever seen.  He has been doing well since then….

Until his check up in December, well even then they didn’t think anything was seriously wrong.  When he had his initial cancer he had a large tumor that they got rid of, and he had a tiny little tumor that they left alone, but they have watched.  It hadn’t grown at all then at his December check up, it was an itsy bitsy bit bigger, so they decided to go in and do Radiofrequency ablation (RFA) and get rid of it.  They did this the near the end of January.  During that procedure the doctor found more 2 tumors.

This was supposed to be an in and out no big deal procedure, but it took my father a while to recover from it.  Last Monday he had the chemoembolization again on the remaining tumors, this procedure is less hard on him.  Now this coming Monday he will have RFA again on both of the tumors.

My father is 82 years old.  This is really hard on him.  It’s also really hard on my sister.  She is taking care of him.  She was taking care of him after his first surgery when I was put in the hospital for having seizures.  She was so worried about me she got my uncle to come stay with my father and came to help me, then she turned around and went right back to care for my father again.  For over a month now she has had no life of her own, she has only been taking care of others, and I don’t know how much longer she will have to do this.  She is normally very involved in her grandchildren’s lives, I know this has to be hard on all of them.

I haven’t been able to go see my father.

I can’t help either of them.

I can’t help but think….what if…

and I can’t help but feel worried, sad, and guilty.

 

When you have times when you can’t help others who you love, how do you handle it?

I shouldn’t feel guilty for being sick, but at times like this, I do.  Well, I feel guilty that my sister has to shoulder all of this on by herself.  I feel guilty that I can’t even be there to hold my father’s hand.  And I feel guilty that I felt better today than I have since I can remember.

After days of having vertigo constantly, yes I had 2 days of rotational vertigo that went on every single second, I woke up feeling amazing today.

I had a really good day…..it’s hard when I think about what my family is going through.