I’ve been saying that I’m “working on a post” for a while now, but I haven’t.  I’m not sure why.  I haven’t been too busy.  I think I’ve just been avoiding talking about things.

My bipolar episode has lasted much longer than I ever anticipated.  I’ve been stable for over 20 years and suddenly I had this awful episode that left me feeling like I didn’t deserve the life I’ve built for myself. I knew if things didn’t change soon, I wouldn’t be able to carry on.  After trying to get my medication working and failing, we decided to go back old school, I’m on Lithium again.  This is the first drug I was put on when I was first diagnosed.  It worked for a very long time, but it damaged my thyroid and we decided to try something else.  Fortunately, at the time, I responded well to the alternative medication.  Since the damage to my thyroid as already happened, there is really no reason for me not to take it, and fortunately, it works really fast.  After being on it for about a week I could tell a huge difference.  I’m still having that low hum that makes me feel like I’m going to explode at any moment.  But I don’t explode, I might get angry, but I don’t have the rage I was experiencing. I just increased my dose, so I’m hopeful that anger hum will diminish soon.

That is the good news. I’m leaving out all the rage episodes, the night I was actively seeking for a treatment center to commit myself because I was very afraid I was going to harm myself or someone else, the anger I felt toward my psychiatrist because I can’t hear a word she says and I have to have my husband in there to help me.  At this last appointment I was so distraught by everything I couldn’t really talk at all, he had to tell her everything.  Before we left I asked where I should go if I were in crisis, she asked if I felt suicidal, I told her how I had been feeling, she simply told me which facility I should go to, but I didn’t feel like she took me seriously.  Perhaps I’m being overly sensitive and she understands that hubby will be here to monitor me and see me through this trying time. It’s very hard to get to know a doctor when you are in the throws of a  (disphoric mania) mixed stated bipolar episode.   Yes, I did say, mixed state.  I’ve only talked about the rage here, but I’ve been bouncing around from extreme anger, severe depression, and wanting to jump my husband’s bones….all in the same day. Sound a little crazy?  Yep, I felt that way too.  Thankfully, it’s calming down and I’m feeling more like myself.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my health.  The vertigo, migraines, and hypoglycemia have had me pretty sick, most of the time. Last Saturday we went out to breakfast with my father-in-law, shortly after getting our food the world started to spin.  I lowered my head, took my meds,  and told them to continue.  I was sure it was going to be a quick attack and I’d be okay in just a little bit.  I might not be able to eat, but I could take it with me.  I was wrong. The spinning got worse and I was afraid I was going to vomit right therein the middle of the restaurant.  I got Stuart to get me a throw up bag from my purse and I clutched it tight.  I told him it was BAD, REALLY BAD, and I needed to go home.  I motioned for him to get the food to go.  Hey, I wanted my pancake!  I really didn’t think about how hard it would be for me to walk out.  I couldn’t focus and I felt like my body was moving in ways that my brain really wasn’t telling it to.  The sensation of  being moved from forces that no one else sees is very disturbing. I used to think I had gotten to the point that I was okay with all of this, but I really,really hate it.  I knew my feet weren’t going straight, I kept trying to compensate, that seemed to make it worse.  I clutched on to Stuart for dear life.  It was absolutely mortifying.  The only thing that would have made it worse,is if I had thrown up too.  I will say,my brain seems to deal with the episodes better than it used to, I rarely throw up anymore.  Of course, I did get a Phenergan in me at the very first sign of the attack, and as soon as we got outside Iused my vape pen that’s 4:1 CBD:THC just a little and it calmed my stomach right down.  I also never feel the psychoactive effects with this ratio.  Itis still illegal to use medicinals in public, under normal circumstances I’d never do it, but we were away from other people, and since people use those cigarette vape pens, no one knows what I’m doing. But as I said, normally, I’d never use that in public.  I thought about using an infused candy or tincture, but they simply don’t start working fast enough to help stop vomiting.  But I digress….  This was the first time my father-in-law has seen this, that was hard, but I’m relieved he does understand some of what I go through before he moves in with us.  He also handled it with grace and was very helpful to Stuart.  Not that I really noticed at the time.

I’ve had a lot of challenged with my balance this past month.  Kinda regretting buy a car, but even if I can’t drive it, it’s nice to have a convertible in the family.  I am very disappointed that I can’t drive though, having that feeling of independence was nice.  I was still having vertigo occasionally, but it didn’t last long, it was mild in intensity, and I always had signals that twas about to happen, so I wasn’t afraid to drive.  That all changed.  I accept it, but it makes me sad.

I found a new ENT and I really like his so far.  He admitted that I’ve had all the treatments that he could recommend, yep, I’ve had it all really.  He did say he could give me steroids to try to help with this flare, but since I had Avascular Necrosis that they think was caused by steroid use, I don’t use them if at all possible.  He understood.  He suggested trying Benedryl everyday because it’s a vestibular suppressant.  I never knew that.  I tried it for over a week and didn’t get the results we’d hoped for. So I asked if I could take diazepam for a week or two to try to calm itdown and he said yes.  Also, the Audiologist there called and said she isn’t as experienced working with my brand of cochlear implants so they are having the Advanced Bionics specialist come in to do the adjustment to my CI’s (mapping).  I was so very impressed with that.

I’m also working on getting a new migraine specialist, I really don’t like the guy I’ve been seeing. So cross your fingers I like the new lady.

I’ve done something that I’m afraid I may have a very hard time pulling off.  We had planned to be in our house by now and we planned to host Christmas there.  Well….I decided we still needed to do it, but man is it going to be a lot of work.  I’ve invited the whole family, and one friend. That’s 6 adults and 2 children.. 

But this is the first Christmas that Stuart’s step-mother will not be home.  I feel it’s important for his father to be surrounded by all of his family for a Christmas celebration.  We are having it on the 22^nd so Dad can spend Christmas day with his wife. We have been thinking about joining them, but it’s a busy time at the home, and her daughter and her significant other will be there.  So, I think it will be good to go have dinner with her between Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I’ve been trying to make cookies, the kind you decorate all pretty with royal icing.  I decided they were WAY too sweet with the icing, since it is just a sugar cookie, so I’ve been trying to make the icing less sweet.  Problem is, as I have been working on a new recipe I have to keep tasting it.  This stuff is super sweet…cloyingly sweet.  So twice now, I’ve had a hypoglycemic crash.  Feeling dizzy, light headed, sick to my stomach….ok so none of that is new….cold sweats, shakes, stomach cramps….I even threw up.   Yep, blood sugar drop.  Now I’m not even sure I ever want to decorate cookies.  My back always hurts when I do it anyway.

Oh…other challenges this week.  I had my physical on Monday.  All my numbers were good!  Even my triglycerides, they have only been normal one other time in my life. Shockers!   However, I was having a slight pain in my kidney area and asked if she’d check my urine.  I’m so glad I did!  By the next day I was in severe pain, still am if I’m honest, and the nurse called and said that I have a UTI.  HAHAHA I found that amusing because I really had no idea when I asked for the test.  My back has been hurting so I thought it was just that, it was obvious the next day that is wasn’t.  So now I’m taking antibiotics…eww.  Can you imagine how much worse it would have gotten if I had needed to go back to the doctor for a test?  Phew!  that was lucky.

I also got a pneumonia vaccine, I had to have one when I got my cochlear implants, and I was supposed to get a booster in a few years, I’m about a year late, but I got it done. (it is supposed to reduce the chance of meningitis)   1% of the people who get this vaccine have a reaction to it.  Yes, I am that special!  The injection site swelled up and turned read.  It measured about 3” in diameter, and it was so painful.  If I moved my arm a very sharp pain would shoot through, not as if the muscle was sore, a very sharp pain.  I couldn’t lie on that side for over 3 days.  Finally it is feeling almost back to normal.   Golly, that was an experience.

There I think I’ve caught you up on all things Wendy for now.

I hope you are having a joyful holiday season.  Try not to overdo, as you can see I probably am…..big dummy.  😊

*photo, “Water Droplet on Sage Leaf” taken by W. Holcombe.  Please do not use without permission.  All rights reserved