It’s challenging

I have no idea where to start this post.

I guess I’ll start first by apologizing for having to have Lorraine do Mindfulness Monday for me again this week (thank you Lorraine, you awesome) I have been feeling like a fraud.  I have been talking about mindfulness for a few years now and I simply haven’t been able to live the life.  My life seems out of control right now and I haven’t been able to accept that this is the way it will be and be okay with it.  My meditation practice has never been as regular as I’d like, but lately it has been non existent.  Why is it when I need this the most, I have been unable to simply let that shit go.

Living  in close proximity to family has been more stressful than I thought it would be.  We haven’t been able to help my father-in-law as much as we thought we would.  He simply wants to keep doing as much as he can in addition to caring for his wife, so he has some semblance of normalcy.  We do try to see him at least once a week, but that doesn’t seem like enough to me, and we haven’t been seeing as much of M as I thought we would.  She has no idea who we are and I’m afraid that is making her a little frustrated.  I’m not sure about that though.  She is very pleasant to be with, she talks and talks, I just wish I could hear her better.  Now that I’ve been more symptomatic, it’s hard to do much to help anyway.

My hearing loss has been much more of a challenge here than I thought it would be.  Not only do I have trouble hearing M, I can barely understand anything my niece and nephew say, and my new psychiatrist…well, let’s just say, I won’t be going there without Stuart with me to help translate.  She is very soft spoken and has an accent so she enunciates her words differently, it makes it extremely hard to read her lips.  I wish I knew sign language so I could request an interpreter.  I could request CART, but that’s really hard to set up, so it could make it very hard for me to get an appointment when needed.  I also don’t understand my headache doctor, he also has an accent, he talks fast, and really has no idea how to talk with someone who has profound hearing loss.  That kind of amazes me.  This city has a large elderly population, that means there are more people here who have late onset hearing loss, doctors should know how to communicate with us.  Oh who am I kidding, many doctors don’t know how to communicate with anyone, hearing or not.

The vertigo has gotten worse.  Ironic thing, I just received a letter saying my Medicare benefits are being reviewed, right after that my vertigo started going crazy!  When I finally got Medicare my symptoms started getting better, not immediately, gradually, but it was better.  Was it the extreme stress of feeling like a burden, and the fear that if something happened to Stuart I wouldn’t have insurance or any income, causing my vertigo to be worse?  I have no idea, all I know is that I’m having vertigo again, often, and I’m really upset about it.  I’m even using my walker again, not every day, but I’m definitely getting use out of it again.  I think buying a car was tempting fate, the last time I got a car I got worse….you can see how my mind is just spiraling.  I’m so tired.

To top it all off, I’ve been dealing with some of the worst rage episodes I’ve had in a long time.  I started taking estrogen about 2 weeks ago for menopausal symptoms, I’m thinking that could be it, but since I have Bipolar Disorder it always concerns me.  I do have a call into the doctor, let’s hope we can figure this out before I kill someone.

Speaking of my mental health, my psychiatrist had gene testing done to help determine which drugs are best for me.  The results are very interesting.  I want to share a lot of that with you, but this post is getting long, so I’ll save that for another day.  If you’d like to read more about the test I had, it’s called Genesight, here’s the link to their site.

My back has started seizing again, the muscle spasms stop me from doing a lot of the things I’d like to.  Like baking!

But I was able to do a little celebrating for Halloween (after a complete meltdown on Halloween day, the night turned out pretty good.)

Here’s a few photos of my makeup, one from a festival we went to on Friday and the other for Halloween night to give out treats.  Halloween night wasn’t very inventive, it was the end of a very long and emotional day, so my makeup was not what I had planned.


I hope your Halloween was a hauntingly good time.

I’ve been having a hard time writing lately, I may be writing more journal type post, I think I need to get more of this stuff out.




12 thoughts on “It’s challenging

  1. I am flabbergasted that there are not doctors to help those with hearing challenges in that area. That’s the first place I would think would have that kind of help. Sending love and light to you. I do think that the journaling is an excellent idea. Huge hugs to you xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dorothy Murphey

    Hi Wendy – always nice to receive your email. I have hear aids and I find it difficult at times to understand children when they talk – it must have something to doneith there tone.
    Anyway hugs and kisses to the family. Zia Dot

    Liked by 1 person

  3. In my experience, the medical professionals are the ones that forget most often how to deal with a hearing loss person… They always look surprised when they talk with their face turned away (washing hands, reading a screen) when I remind them to please face me when talking to me. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rita McGregor

    I hope you get something figured out for your visits. That has to be so frustrating not to understand what they are saying! Hang in there.
    Love and hugs from Fargo 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Doctors, bless them, but until they deal with a disease or disability or someone close to them does, most just aren’t as empathetic as they should be. They don’t have to pretend like they know what we are experiencing but, empathy and common sense goes a long way.

    As always, love and hugs to you guys.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. First of all your halloween make-up is FANTABULOUS even if it wasn’t what you wanted.
    Second, stop beating yourself up over being a “fraud”. NO one (except monks who have opted out of this world) does anything on a straight course – we zig and zag, go forward two steps and back one before we take another step forward.
    Third, sounds like you are on a fear-cycle which will make all the symptoms worse – just tell yourself ” I’m safe in this second of time” to cue your brain.
    Fourth, You have very serious conditions and despite them you have done REALLY well. Give yourself credit for what you accomplish no matter how small and don’t despair over what you can’t do.
    Hang in there as you are still in the middle of a major move and the stress factor is high. “Lecture” over!
    sending love always

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not at all a lecture!!
      I needed that straight talk.
      I think “I am safe in this moment” will be my mantra for a while. I admit, fear has had me in her grip for a while now.
      Love to you Judy.
      You always help me feel less judgmental about myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sorry to hear of you struggling Wendy. I don’t understand why the doctors can’t talk more clearly – don’t they learn about these things at doctor school?! I feel for you, going through all these different health issues. Sending you love and a big (((HUG))) xox

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You’ve had a lot on your plate to deal with, and emotionally I think that would take a toll on anyone with just the hearing loss issues alone. I’m so sorry things have been so difficult, and the vertigo getting worse, along with Medicare being reviewed, aren’t going to help matters. Do you know what’s happening with that, what the process is or how long it’ll take? I look forward to the post on the gene testing side of things, but I definitely do agree with that being a post for another time – focus on you, on getting to a better place physically and mentally, without worrying too much on the blogging side of things (apart from anything that’s helpful to you in terms of sharing!) Love the Halloween pics!!
    I know I probably can’t help in any way Wendy but I just wanted to send some hugs and love and let you know I’m thinking of you. I really do hope you can get some rest over the weekend and that at least one of the myriad of things you’ve got going on start to improve soon…  ♥
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Caz, you do help, just knowing you care. You have aot on your plate right now too. I’ve been thinking of you.
      Medicare…I have no idea when I’ll hear from them. They sent a questionnaire and depending on if they like the answers. If not, they will send me to one of THEIR doctors for further review.
      I think, no news is good news with this one.
      This weekend I’m hoping to get some chores done while Stuart is home. With the rest of my life so out of control I cant stand my home being so out of order. I feel like, at least I have some control of that.
      Then I’ll rest easier.
      I did just find out a family function that was planned for tomorrow had to be canceled, I’m so relieved.
      Today I had the 5th cluster headache this week, Stuart gave me a DHE shot, I’m hoping that will also help give my migraines break.
      Love and hugs my friend.
      Any time you want warm temperatures in the winter you are welcome to come see me. The Southwester part of the US is so different from the rest. It’s pretty cool.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s