I made him cry. Bipolar Rage

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness

Saturday was a day that I will always remember, some very good, some very, very bad.

We started the day running fun errands.  Going to the library, and then to Michaels.  I got a lovely gift card for my birthday.  Can we say…YARN!  🙂  Then we had a fabulous lunch at a restaurant that we’ve been wanting to try.  They focus on sustainable seafood.  I had grilled fish over greens with fresh pickled vegetables.  Then we shared homemade gelato for desert.  It was a divine meal to top off a lovely morning.

Then we got home.  Stuart was doing laundry (something I can’t do) and I noticed that he hadn’t treated a shirt that I asked him to.  I saw RED!  I flew into him.  I was so angry!!  I told him exactly where I was putting 2 shirts that needed to be treated and he was just disregarding what I asked and was going to ruin my clothes…..I have no idea all of the things I said.

headache 7
self portrait – w. holcombe

After HOURS of arguing, of me closing myself in the bedroom, then getting mad that he didn’t come after me…..over and over.  It was so bad.  I look  back on it and it is a whirlwind.  However, at the time I could not see that I was out of control.  I felt completely justified in how I behaved.  When for a moment I thought I was overreacting about a silly shirt.  (Both of these shirts are shirts I only wear around the house and to bed.  They could be stained, who would care.  However, even if it had been a $200 shirt, it would not have excused the way I acted.)  I blew up about the fact that I can’t do laundry.  How if I was doing laundry and he told me to treat something I wouldn’t have forgotten (yes, I was suddenly perfect!)  He just didn’t pay attention because he didn’t want to do it…..ect, ect.

Finally, it was 10pm and Stuart was trying to go to bed, but I wasn’t finished.   I was still all upset.  It would appear I was calming down now and then throughout all of this, but then it would come back full force.  That’s what happened at bed time.  I was getting ready for bed, then I fell apart, and started yelling again.  I then left him to the bed and said I would see him the next day.  Soon he came out and wanted to talk.  Fine.  Talk.  He was so confused.  He wanted to know what had changed.  He told me that I have been very defensive for the past few weeks.  I’ll be fine one moment then snapping at him for no reason.  He said I’ve been taking much of what he says in a negative way.  I just sat there and fumed.   He then broke down.  He wanted to know if he had changed, had he caused this change in me?   I made my husband cry.  At that moment, the rage lifted, I still felt it’s presence but I took a deep breath, calmed myself and came back to center.  Suddenly I felt relief.  Then I thought: “What have I done?”

It’s been a long time, I didn’t even recognize the signs.

Bipolar Rage

 

All this mess with my medication, well it appears I’m not on the right mix yet.

But do I blame all of this on medication?  Why did I not realize I was being more confrontational then usual?   Normally, I’m very aware of changes in my behavior.  I know when things are off,  I’m very proactive about it.  This time, I was blind sided.  All of my coping strategies out the window.  How can you incorporate coping strategies when you don’t see anything is wrong?

I’m much more aware now.   I’m doing a lot of deep breathing exercises and trying to meditate more.  Exercise would be good, but I’m not allowed to do that until my back gets better.  (I haven’t mentioned I hurt my back yet?  I’ll try and write that up soon)  I’m trying to stay in this moment and not beat myself up over what happened on Saturday, or what has been happening over the past few weeks.   Remembering to be gentle with myself.  And I’m pampering my husband as much as I can.  He needs to know that it isn’t him.  He needs to know that no matter how bad I act, I still love him and would NEVER hurt him on purpose.

 

Read more about Bipolar Rage:

Bipolar & Anger: Getting Control of Irritability and Outburst

Bipolar Disorder and Anger: Stuck on the Rage Road.

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms and Triggers  this gives a rundown of all the symptoms associated with Bipolar Disorder.  It’s not just mania and depression.

18 thoughts on “I made him cry. Bipolar Rage”

  2. Yes, be gentle on both of you. I think you were so caught up in the negative of the restlessness reaction to your meds, and the scramble to find something to replace them, you might not have glimpsed yourself in the mirror. Add in the pain in your back, and well, being a pain in the butt wouldn’t be the first thing you would notice.
    I think Stuart understands your bipolar issues, and can see this as not you, but the bipolar person who inhabits your body, and sometimes gets the upper hand on you.
    But you caught yourself, Stuart expressed how he was feeling — you didn’t get the feedback, or missed the cues, understandably — and now you can work on fixing the issue. Bipolar rage isn’t just anger, or frustration. It’s molten lava churning inside you, looking for a release, and then the eruption, like a volcano, and the spewing out.
    It’s not easy to control; it can just happen without warning — wrath and hellfire. But you know it’s symptoms again, and by being in the moment, can quell the heat of the magma. Or at least recognize it for what it is.
    ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) to both of you.

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  4. Erica L.

    Acknowledging that the unexpected rage happened is a first step. You have a very loving and supportive husband. He surely understand what you are going through. Say sorry immediately when you catch yourself in that situation again. It’s important to keep your marriage strong.

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    1. Thank you Erica.
      I’m working really hard to make sure he understands what is happening and that I would never mean to hurt him. We are trying to communicate better. We do a good job, but with this, communication is a must.
      I felt mania starting today…a little hypomania going on I think.
      I’m focusing on my mindfulness practice, and staying strong.
      Keeping my marriage strong is the most important thing to me.
      I’m so grateful I have such a loving and supportive husband.
      Thank you again for your comment. It means a lot.

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  5. Oh, Wendy. BIG HUG I know it’s not easy being in your head and it’s hard to be aware of what’s happening when it’s happening. Thank you for sharing this.

    (Give Stuart a big hug from me, too, please.)

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  7. So many good comments on this post – and I echo them all, Wendy. My heart goes out to both you AND Stuart. Surely things will abate after your doctor’s appointment – the meds are clearly OFF. I hope you feel better soon. Sending love, peace and healing your way.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

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  8. Faith L.

    May you both continue to be filled and blessed with love and to revisit your marriage vows 🙂 Communication is so important and I cried reading the last bit when you guys talked it out. It gives me hope that maybe someday out there, someone might love me enough to sit down and talk it out with me too, instead of just walking away. Thank you for sharing this xx

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  9. Oh Wendy. I’m sorry to read this. I can feel the pain in your words. Your Stuart is obviously a wonderful man and I’m sure he can understand what you’re going through. It’s great you are able to talk about things together. If he is able to understand what you are experiencing, it will be easier for him to know how to help…Try to be easy on yourself and each other. Hold on to each other and things will feel better soon, I’m sure. Sending you the biggest hug. Carly xx

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    1. Thank you Carly. Now that I’m aware I’m doing all I can to help the situation. Paying close attention to my moods. Trying to stay in the moment. Communicating.
      I’m on my way to see the psych dr now. I’m sure we’ll get things figured out.
      Thank you so much for caring.

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  11. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and forget how we’re acting sometimes. (I have my own episodes too…) Though the bipolar rage may have hurt your husband, remember that it wasn’t intentional. Don’t be too hard on yourself, he seems like a very good, loving man. Hope you’re able to find the right mix of meds. Stay strong, and thank you for opening up to us. -bsrealtalk.com

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    1. Thank you. I’m lucky to have a very supportive husband who works hard to understand this and communicate as best we can.
      Meds changed tonight. Cross fingers.
      I am working on self care, it’s so important.

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