I Don't Like Me When I'm Angry!
I mentioned in my last post that I’m dealing with some anger issues.
I’m not talking about getting a bit upset here and there, I’m talking about some deep seeded resentment. Something down in my gut that is just eating away at me. Perhaps that is a bit strong…but I wanted to make a point.
I’ve been snippy, grouchy, teary, snappy…. Oh, let’s just say it, I’ve been a bitch lately.
Not all the time, at times, I’m a perfectly likable me. Positive, light hearted, smiling, laughing… Then unexpectedly, something will hit me in just the wrong way, something that normally wouldn’t mean anything, and I want to explode.
Finally, I tried to take a step back from the situation. And ask myself, what are you REALLY mad at. I’ve come up with a few things, some I bet you have felt at times, others may just be me. I don’t like being like this. I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, to believe things will work out, to understand that even if they don’t, I will survive. No, not just survive, I will thrive!
It has been hard lately. Spending almost every minute lying down. Having horrific headaches, hearing things that aren’t there….well you all know what I’ve been going through.
And that my friends is what, I believe, I’m mad about!
I don’t want to sound petty, or ungrateful, or as if I don’t have hope. This is just anger. It may not be totally justified, and it’s not fair that I keep snapping at my husband, but it’s there, and I felt like I should discuss it. (perhaps giving it a voice will help it to go away.)
- that I’m not cured. I know I kept saying that I understood that this was not a “cure”, that I know I still have Meniere’s Disease, and that I could handle it if my symptoms returned. That this procedure gave me hope, and I would cherish every moment I had as a “normal” person. (I’m not saying that those feelings have changed. I still feel that way….but I’m still angry that it’s happening…and I don’t like myself very much for saying that.)
- that I thought this was over. I don’t feel that I was being as realistic as I should have been. I’m not sure I was being honest with myself. I knew the possibilities it could happen again, and I would need more treatment…but I don’t think it really sank in. I put those thoughts aside and thought about the future…for the first time in a long time.
- that I don’t feel I can plan for the future any more.
- that I’m scared.
- that I can’t do things I need and want to do.
- that my house needs to be cleaned.
- that Stuart has to do everything, and I keep getting angry with him when things aren’t done. Or done the way I would do it. How can I get angry at him for this? Or am I really just angry because I can’t do it?
- at my friends, who haven’t gotten in touch, who haven’t offered to help…the most I get from most is a quick note on facebook. I know this has been going on for a long time, I know that my friends have lives and responsibilities. I don’t blame them. But I’m still hurt, and angry. I don’t want them to feel bad. I don’t know what I want, or expect. I have 2 local friends who really keep in touch with me. 1 emails me often, 1 often chats with me on line. (and I know he would be over to see me more often if he wasn’t having troubles of his own right now.)
- at my family. Who have never offered to help in any way. (I must put in here, that I didn’t expect it.)
- when I read about others who have so much more help. Who have friends who bring them dinner, or family to come stay with them for a while, or someone to just sit with them. (again, don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for what I do have…especially my husband) But I am hurt, and disappointed that I don’t have more people who reach out. And I’m mad at myself for being jealous of those who do.
Oh, I’m certain I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand by now.
This anger isn’t deserved. It’s not even real in some instances. I think it’s mostly about the situation. I don’t want to be in this situation, and it makes me mad. I don’t want my husband to be in this situation, and it makes me mad. I don’t want to have my life on hold, and it makes me mad.
I’m trying to write this objectively, and honestly…but I’m not sure those two things go together right now.
When I got so much better after my patches in January, I started to see my friends at gatherings and things. At first it was very hard. I was angry at them. It’s hard to explain. These people mean a lot to me, but I felt like they forgot me when I wasn’t able to do much. Most didn’t ask Stuart if he needed anything. Even when I would reach out and say exactly what I needed, I usually didn’t get it. (I’m not talking about big things here, I wanted contact, emails…anything) As I said before, I understand that people are busy, they have lives, and it’s hard to deal with a friend who has been having health problems for a long time, it’s not like it’s something that just goes away after a visit to the hospital, or one time bringing a caserole…this illness lasts…well, a life time. Finally, I was beginning to feel better about things. We would go to parties and I felt that I could mingle, and talk with people, and not feel that under current of anger. I don’t want to feel like that again.
I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening to me. In just the past 2 years my hearing has gone from some hearing loss in my right ear, to severe hearing loss in both ears. I just got hearing aids in March, and I can barely hear out of them now. When I don’t have my hearing aids in I can barely hear myself talk. I realized I was screaming at Stuart the other night because my throat started to hurt.
But at times, for short periods of time, I can hear better. So I don’t know what to do about the hearing aids if my hearing is fluctuating so much again. (I’ll see Dr. Kaylie next month, I’ll ask him then.) Of course, I’m hoping that after seeing Dr. Gray I will have some answers and my hearing will improve again.
This hearing thing makes me so mad! Partially because of losing my hearing…but not really…I think I’m handling that pretty well. But because having my hearing drop has always been a sign of a Meniere’s Vertigo Attack coming on. So now, I’m constantly on alert. I’m so jumpy, and jittery. Every time I move my head and get a bit off balance, I’m convinced I’ll be spinning soon. Or, I start to get used to it, and start to ignore it, like I did the other day…and I was almost hit with a full blown attack. (yesterday, was more of the same. Lot’s of mini-spins.)
I am trying very hard to deal with this anger.
Dang-it! I’ve had some crappy stuff happen lately, and I’m pissed!
I’m also trying to come to terms with it. To feel some of it and not bury it. Just writing this helps. Now I hope I can deal with it, and move beyond.
But, I’m also very grateful that if this was going to happen, it did it now. Before we brought a child in to our lives. I’m grateful, that I have good doctors who really care, and will do all they can to help me. (I just wish I could have gotten in to see them faster. – and yeah, I’m pissed about that too!) I’m more than grateful for my loving husband, and all that he does. I just wish I could help him more, or get him some help.
I also want you to know…ALL OF YOU…how very much you mean to me. How much your encouragement, and caring words have helped me through many a rotten day.
**I saw a post on Fly With Hope today, and I thought, “Yes!, that’s what I wanted to say!” http://flywithhope.blogspot.com/2011/08/less-bitter-more-thankful.html Thank’s Kelly, I needed to hear this. I’m feeling more thankful already. I promise I will not let this anger fester and become unrelenting bitterness.