Where ya been?

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vuible.com

When I’ve been away from blogging for a bit it’s really hard to get started again.

I keep thinking…where do I start?

I’ll have a good day and I will start to write, and get overwhelmed….well I don’t want to mess up a good day, now do I?

Then I’ll have a string of bad days…oh yeah…we know those….and I think, I should blog about those, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record.  After the last post I put out, I thought, Gosh…same crap, different day.  Not completely, no two days are ever completely alike, but you get my drift.  Sometimes people forget a Chronic Illness is called Chronic for a reason.  For me, I do understand that….I know my illnesses are not going away, maybe they will get better, maybe worse…. but going away…don’t think so.  I do not, however, completely understand it when they change.  And lately, they have changed, a lot.  Do I want to talk about all of that….well I have talked about some of it, and I’ll probably mention more of it…some I’ll probably mention later….oh you know me, I talk about everything.  It will all come out eventually.

Mostly my moods have been, well, in the crapper.  Hubby and I and the furry babies to have fun.  Laughter is the greatest isn’t it?  But the migraines and vertigo…..the fear….the fear…it just doesn’t go away.  I’ve had so much pain and vertigo over the last few months, I live in constant fear.  and, pardon the pun….but that scares me.

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healthshire.com

I know you all want to hear about my complete melt down where I felt like I should have been committed…I now understand what they mean when they refer to people having a “nervous breakdown”.   But really, do you really want to hear about that?  Tell me if you do, and I’ll tell you about it…just know I’m OK.  I didn’t hurt me or anyone else.  I just kinda flipped out…yelled, screamed, cried…all at the same time….and did it some more.  Then I was exhausted…slept…and cried a lot the next day too…..

I can tell you a few things that I’m pretty darn sure contributed to it….maybe you won’t worry so much after that.

  1. I was on a certain medication for my migraines, it is also an antidepressant.  It wasn’t working, so I went off of it.  I was not on high enough of a dose that I should have needed to taper off of it.  I think that was wrong.  I crashed right after I stopped taking this drug.
  2. I have a lot of crap going on.  Still having very intense migraines…A LOT.  Like almost every single day.  And vertigo, the same thing.  To the point, I hate leaving the house.  Did I mention fear??  I have been leaving more, and most of the time I have a vertigo attack when we are out.  I’m starting to get less and less freaked out by this.  Just get me in the car, and I’ll deal.  I’ll talk more about my vertigo attacks sometime in the near future, they have changed a bit, and my treatment for them has changed a bit.  I should share some of that.  However, I’m having these spins when I turn over in bed, it scares the crap out of me.  I’m asleep, I wake up a little…kinda…go to turn over and BAM..vertigo!  It doesn’t last long, but it is terrifying.  Sometimes it does last…so I never really know, but most of the time, it’s just a few seconds.  There’s other stuff too.  I’ll tell more later.  It’s kinda interesting if you’re into that kinda thing….you know, sadistic.
  3. Menopause.  Yeah, there are things about this that no one told me….why?  Why didn’t my doctor tell me more about it?  Do people just assume your mother is going to tell you everything?  What if you don’t have one?  Well this is a matter for a whole other post in itself.  Yep…I think it’s time we dish a little bit about the big M.  And I actually don’t have a lot of symptoms…golly, I sure feel for those ladies out there who have it bad!  But one thing I am having recently, every month I feel like I’m going through my period.  The mood swings…really bad, cramps…all the goodies, just no blood.  Yes I said it!  In October it will be 2 years since I’ve had a period, and this starts now?  Pfft!

So….there ya go…..those things led to a melt down.  “I’m sick of being disabled at 52!”  and much much more!!    I even hated my husband because he could take a walk and I couldn’t.  Oh yeah, I was completely irrational, and feeling sorry for myself.  No….I have been so ANGRY I have found it hard to live in my own brain.  Who wants to live with those kind of thoughts all the time?  Snarky, oh way beyond…ew.

I’m trying hard to pull myself out of it.  And you know, I do a pretty good job of it.  But outside factors have been eating away at my normal brain.  This is when I decided to try what a friend of mine used to say she did, “Fake it ’til you make it.”  She said she would fake the feeling good and put on a positive front until she really felt that way, and it often worked.  So I decided to do that.  It kinda worked.  I had some good times during it.  But I still had that …urgh…underneath.   *umph*  Still it did help a bit.

I combined that with a lot of deep breathing.  *Ahh*

11863487_10207136285306738_4886211835444465218_nAnd trying to do more mindfulness…but it’s darn hard when your head is hovering around a 7 every day, spiking to a 9 many days.  And the vertigo has decided it’s going to start doing this new funky thing where I suddenly feel like I’m falling down an elevator shaft…just free falling!!!  What the heck???   I found myself clutching to Stuart and screaming….”I’m falling!!!  I’M FALLING!!!  PLEASE DON’T LET ME FALL!”  Yes my brain knew I wasn’t really falling….or maybe it didn’t, it sure wasn’t telling me I wasn’t…..I sure felt like I was falling into an abyss.  That is one freaky thing, I tell you.  When they say people aren’t afraid of heights, they are afraid of falling…well duh!  I’ve always been afraid of heights…well guess what, that terror comes out when I get this weird vertigo.   It has happened a few more times and I’m better with it now (kinda), I can’t imagine what I will do if it happens and Stuart isn’t with me….because it is freaky….but less freaky than the first time (um…kinda).  My brain is beginning to wrap the truth around the situation that I really am not falling, no matter what my vestibular system is telling it.  *good brain, I knew you were one smart cookie*

Now that makes it kinda scary to go out in public.  Can you imagine if I were in a store and suddenly I start screaming, “I’M FALLING!”  Oh yeah….Call the cops, this chick is doing acid!

Soooo, any who, I’m completely losing my train of thought and going all over the place aren’t I?

See this is what happens when I haven’t posted in a long time.  I think of all these things I want to tell you, and things just start tumbling out.

Maybe I should just stop for the day.  If I don’t I might end up putting this down and then I’ll not get it posted and you will miss me.  You do miss me don’t you?   Yeah I know, I’m a little cheeky today.  *wink*

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9 thoughts on “Where ya been?

  1. Bless your heart, Wendy. Can I relate, or can I relate? To all of it! I’m premenopausal and (of course you know) have Meniere’s disease.

    Isn’t that free-falling feeling the worst? I have clutched the wall and wailed aloud before. Folks walking by me don’t know whether to run or help. A couple of times it was so bad, I had to use the wall to slide down to a seated position. Like you, when you know that can hit at any time, it means you go about your day with some amount of fear. I’m lucky in that I have two warning signs that lets me know I’m going to have a bad day. If a pressure system comes into the area, I know I’m going to have “drop attacks” (I rarely drop but they call them that. I WANT to drop – grin). The 2nd warning sign for me is extremely (almost debilitating) tinnitus. I’ve heard others talk about Migraines contributing as well.

    Don’t ever hesitate to “tells us all”. That is the beauty about blogging. You are sharing information while also venting, most usually to an audience that totally gets it.

    I care about you, and hate to hear you’ve had a time of it. Sending a cyber hug your way.

    Denise

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    • Denise,
      I hate that you can relate…hate that anyone can.

      I used to have warning signs, I don’t anymore. My attacks just hit. Another reason for the fear. And why I don’t drive.

      I’m normally very ok with everything, accepting, and still loving my life.
      Recently it’s been a bit overwhelming.
      I need to take better care of the depression. … I know you can relate.

      Thank you for caring…hearing that meant a lot.

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  2. So glad to see you back! That big M is something to reckon with. I went along swimmingly for a few years before it took hold. Stopped the monthly and never saw it again.

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  3. Hey Wendy

    I’m sorry you have been going through soo much more.
    What Medicine did they take you off of? That is one terrify feeling.

    Dr. kaylie wants me to see a neurologist at Duke for Vestibular Migraines. I haven’t decided yet.
    I am TIRED of Drs. Duke is two hours away. I feel like I’m following your path just not as severely. It’s enough for me though !
    I haven’t ever felt like I’m falling falling falling. I just have rooms feel like they shift. Keep blogging when you feel like it.

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    • Aw Carina,
      I don’t want you to feel like you are becoming me. But I’m not so bad. Ha ha.

      I would still go to Duke even though it’s about 3 hours away if Dr Kylie. Thought he could do anything. I still see my audiologist there. I loved my neurologist there, Dr. Atkins, I’d see her still but there’s a Dr in Charlotte she went to medical school with who has a headache clinic, so I think I’m in good hands.

      Vestibular migraines suck, also cause vertigo. I have them. The meds help. I don’t know if you can find a good neuro closer. :-/

      I was on Prestiq, probably wouldn’t have bothered me, and may not have been the culprit, if I weren’t bipolar. Eh.

      Yeah the falling thing is new. Maybe it will leave.

      Be as well as possible.
      Hope to catch up with you soon.

      xo

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      • Hey
        I have an appointment with Dr. Akins. I’ve decided to keep it.
        What’s one more Dr.? 😁
        I read up on Vestibular migraines and it sounds pretty familiar.
        I researched Wilmington and I don’t see any Dr. Comparable to Dr Aikens !

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  4. Hi Wendy
    So glad to read a post from you but sorry to read that you are having the “elevator” attacks.. I’ve lived with them for years. The BPPV that my doctor just can’t cure. Sometimes it disappears but mostly it’s there whenever I look up, or sideways under a bed, or of course roll over in bed. I haven’t had a decent night sleep in over 5 years because of it. I think my brain is finally learning to ignore the signals so I don’t feel quite so wonky when it happens. I had my first vertigo attack in 2 years on my 50th birthday this year. Didn’t last long but it was upsetting. My steroid injections seem to be lasting for a shorter period of time now. I may be onto gent injections next. I understand the migraine pain! It must be so difficult for you these days. When you have to be in the dark because of the pain…..ugh. Insult to injury. Hang in there friend. I too pretend to be well and to feel good…admittedly it usually works!
    Keep us up to date with how you are feeling!
    Hugs to you!
    Deb

    Like

    • Deb!
      You just answered my question!!

      A few months ago I had my first BPPV attack. Since then I have had all this start. I can’t turn over in bed, ect…I thoughthink that was because of it, but the free falling, I never put those togrther.

      Thank you so much!

      I’m sorry you had the vertigo attack.
      Glad it didn’t stick around.

      Thank you for coming by.
      You’re wonderful.

      Like

  5. I had a similar breakdown on the very next day! We need to be able to get angry to be able to grieve. We have to process all the aspects of our losses in order to be able to heal our hearts and move forward.

    I am tired of the Meniere’s monster and the migraine monster threatening to take everything away from me again, and it takes a lot to be able to step aside from that fear and anger and do “normal” things.

    On Mindfulness I can’t sit with vertigo and/or a migraine for very long, nor a lot of my feelings as of late. Though I use mindfulness to identify what is going on and take action. Engage in coping skills that will actually help. Tea, ginger ale, a good podcast, perfectly comfy clothes, etc.

    It also seems to be helping me catch the migraines earlier and earlier, which is critical since they are coming faster and harder now that the Meniere’s is coming back

    Wishing you the best with it, and I hope you and your doctors (and potential doctors) have a clear plan soon.

    PS: On the elevator dropping feeling, I had that a lot in my late childhood early teens when my ears were healing up from tons of ear infections, It is awful, some how my middle ears are being mostly cooperative through all the Meniere’s stuff, and I’ll take what I can get.

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