When I’ve been away from blogging for a bit it’s really hard to get started again.
I keep thinking…where do I start?
I’ll have a good day and I will start to write, and get overwhelmed….well I don’t want to mess up a good day, now do I?
Then I’ll have a string of bad days…oh yeah…we know those….and I think, I should blog about those, but I don’t want to sound like a broken record. After the last post I put out, I thought, Gosh…same crap, different day. Not completely, no two days are ever completely alike, but you get my drift. Sometimes people forget a Chronic Illness is called Chronic for a reason. For me, I do understand that….I know my illnesses are not going away, maybe they will get better, maybe worse…. but going away…don’t think so. I do not, however, completely understand it when they change. And lately, they have changed, a lot. Do I want to talk about all of that….well I have talked about some of it, and I’ll probably mention more of it…some I’ll probably mention later….oh you know me, I talk about everything. It will all come out eventually.
Mostly my moods have been, well, in the crapper. Hubby and I and the furry babies to have fun. Laughter is the greatest isn’t it? But the migraines and vertigo…..the fear….the fear…it just doesn’t go away. I’ve had so much pain and vertigo over the last few months, I live in constant fear. and, pardon the pun….but that scares me.
I know you all want to hear about my complete melt down where I felt like I should have been committed…I now understand what they mean when they refer to people having a “nervous breakdown”. But really, do you really want to hear about that? Tell me if you do, and I’ll tell you about it…just know I’m OK. I didn’t hurt me or anyone else. I just kinda flipped out…yelled, screamed, cried…all at the same time….and did it some more. Then I was exhausted…slept…and cried a lot the next day too…..
I can tell you a few things that I’m pretty darn sure contributed to it….maybe you won’t worry so much after that.
- I was on a certain medication for my migraines, it is also an antidepressant. It wasn’t working, so I went off of it. I was not on high enough of a dose that I should have needed to taper off of it. I think that was wrong. I crashed right after I stopped taking this drug.
- I have a lot of crap going on. Still having very intense migraines…A LOT. Like almost every single day. And vertigo, the same thing. To the point, I hate leaving the house. Did I mention fear?? I have been leaving more, and most of the time I have a vertigo attack when we are out. I’m starting to get less and less freaked out by this. Just get me in the car, and I’ll deal. I’ll talk more about my vertigo attacks sometime in the near future, they have changed a bit, and my treatment for them has changed a bit. I should share some of that. However, I’m having these spins when I turn over in bed, it scares the crap out of me. I’m asleep, I wake up a little…kinda…go to turn over and BAM..vertigo! It doesn’t last long, but it is terrifying. Sometimes it does last…so I never really know, but most of the time, it’s just a few seconds. There’s other stuff too. I’ll tell more later. It’s kinda interesting if you’re into that kinda thing….you know, sadistic.
- Menopause. Yeah, there are things about this that no one told me….why? Why didn’t my doctor tell me more about it? Do people just assume your mother is going to tell you everything? What if you don’t have one? Well this is a matter for a whole other post in itself. Yep…I think it’s time we dish a little bit about the big M. And I actually don’t have a lot of symptoms…golly, I sure feel for those ladies out there who have it bad! But one thing I am having recently, every month I feel like I’m going through my period. The mood swings…really bad, cramps…all the goodies, just no blood. Yes I said it! In October it will be 2 years since I’ve had a period, and this starts now? Pfft!
So….there ya go…..those things led to a melt down. “I’m sick of being disabled at 52!” and much much more!! I even hated my husband because he could take a walk and I couldn’t. Oh yeah, I was completely irrational, and feeling sorry for myself. No….I have been so ANGRY I have found it hard to live in my own brain. Who wants to live with those kind of thoughts all the time? Snarky, oh way beyond…ew.
I’m trying hard to pull myself out of it. And you know, I do a pretty good job of it. But outside factors have been eating away at my normal brain. This is when I decided to try what a friend of mine used to say she did, “Fake it ’til you make it.” She said she would fake the feeling good and put on a positive front until she really felt that way, and it often worked. So I decided to do that. It kinda worked. I had some good times during it. But I still had that …urgh…underneath. *umph* Still it did help a bit.
I combined that with a lot of deep breathing. *Ahh*
And trying to do more mindfulness…but it’s darn hard when your head is hovering around a 7 every day, spiking to a 9 many days. And the vertigo has decided it’s going to start doing this new funky thing where I suddenly feel like I’m falling down an elevator shaft…just free falling!!! What the heck??? I found myself clutching to Stuart and screaming….”I’m falling!!! I’M FALLING!!! PLEASE DON’T LET ME FALL!” Yes my brain knew I wasn’t really falling….or maybe it didn’t, it sure wasn’t telling me I wasn’t…..I sure felt like I was falling into an abyss. That is one freaky thing, I tell you. When they say people aren’t afraid of heights, they are afraid of falling…well duh! I’ve always been afraid of heights…well guess what, that terror comes out when I get this weird vertigo. It has happened a few more times and I’m better with it now (kinda), I can’t imagine what I will do if it happens and Stuart isn’t with me….because it is freaky….but less freaky than the first time (um…kinda). My brain is beginning to wrap the truth around the situation that I really am not falling, no matter what my vestibular system is telling it. *good brain, I knew you were one smart cookie*
Now that makes it kinda scary to go out in public. Can you imagine if I were in a store and suddenly I start screaming, “I’M FALLING!” Oh yeah….Call the cops, this chick is doing acid!
Soooo, any who, I’m completely losing my train of thought and going all over the place aren’t I?
See this is what happens when I haven’t posted in a long time. I think of all these things I want to tell you, and things just start tumbling out.
Maybe I should just stop for the day. If I don’t I might end up putting this down and then I’ll not get it posted and you will miss me. You do miss me don’t you? Yeah I know, I’m a little cheeky today. *wink*