Month: April 2014

An Expedition – One Mile From Home

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease8 Comments

I was feeling good on…oh what day is it now?   It was on Thursday…yes, that’s right.  We needed a couple of things from the store, and since I had been doing better, I decided to join Stuart on the expedition.

I was so proud of myself, I had been going downstairs pretty much every day, I had taken 3 baths! (for those who know, that’s a big deal for me, I’m terrified of having a vertigo attack in the bath)  I felt I had made strides.  I was feeling good about them.  Yet, I was feeling jumpy, a bit rough around the edges, but thought it was just nerves, and anxiety about doing more.   I even noticed that I was feeling a bit, shall I dare say, manic.  It wasn’t full-blown, I even told Stuart, if I didn’t feel ill I would be feeling really, really good!  It was odd.  A jittery sort of odd.  But I felt BETTER!  I even got up and put make-up on…and everything.  I realized I haven’t paid much attention to me in a long time.   I want that to change.  So….I did what I could to head out with my husband.

As we started to leave I got a little antsy and started not to go.  Just felt like my footing wasn’t right.  It took me a minute, a few deep breaths, but I was dong so well, we decided to just go pick up the 2 things at Walmart because it’s just ONE MILE from my house.  That way if I started feeling bad, we could get home quicker.  That was a good plan.  Just this little shopping center a mile from the house, I can do that!!

When we arrived I was doing well so we wandered a bit.  Then we went down a row of canned goods.  They all decided to just roll down the aisle a bit with me.  I stopped, focused down to the basket, concentrated, calmed myself and was steady again.   I told Stuart that I thought we needed to leave.  He, of course, was more than agreeable to get out of there, but we got to the line and the first few were FULL….I was feeling anxious, nervous, and a bit claustrophobic.  Suddenly, the bitch came out!

Stuart:  “It’s going to be a while.”  Me:  “NO, there’s a shorter line right down there!”  He goes toward it, I am looking at the next line, someone jumps in the line I’m looking in and he jumps out of his line.  I’m fussing, “What are you doing?”  He’s telling me he didn’t know what I wanted….ect.  I just needed OUT.  I was getting more and more anxious even though I wasn’t “feeling” worse.  I wanted things to not be as they were!!  (not a good thing, I should have just calmed down, taken stock of what was going on…probably unplugged my CI’s because the noise was getting to me, and taken some meds…..but instead, I reacted, poorly.  And now I’m wondering if I don’t always do that when this is happening?

Stop! Yeah…..you, Stop the story!  

What?   Who’s that?    Oh….it’s me talking to me….what have I done now?????

You are not telling it right.  Just tell it.  Don’t analyze.  You are telling part of the story you shouldn’t even know that yet.  You are already asking.  “What did I do?, Why did this happen?, What caused it? Why didn’t I notice the signs?”…. so   STOP.  Now….just tell the story, then after it’s over, maybe you can look back and see if there were things you missed, triggers that you didn’t notice, anything that might help, but now…..STOP, it’s self blame for something you have no control over!!!!

OK……I guess I should listen to me.   So….the rest of this story….have I completely screwed it up so far?  Should I start over?   eh….I’m way too gone to think of things again.  I’ll just tell what happened next….  So where was I????

We took our stuff to the car.  I wanted to go to another store that was in the same shopping center, so I mentioned that it would take just a minute to see if they had what I wanted.  Stuart kindly said, “or we could come back tomorrow….”   Bitch attack again!!   “Do you realize how much more that would take out of me?  It takes so much for me to come out and we are right here…..”  and I stop!  In mid-rant.  What the heck?   I was so sorry.  I was aggravated, but there was no reason for me to act like that.  I was so agitated!  Then I was so remorseful.   I couldn’t believe I just went off on him because he was trying to be thoughtful.   So, apologies flew from me, and we prepared to drive over to the other little store.   We backed out of the parking place….drove down the lane….and

walmart vertigo
photo manipulation by W. Holcombe

This Happened!

“Can you please pull the car over?”

Stuart – “What? Now?”

Me – “I need you to stop the car now please!  I need a shot!!!”   (let me explain about the shot.  Because I have migraines so bad I have a prescription for Phenergan shots.  This normally helps stop a vertigo attack faster than anything else, so I keep some with me at all times.)  I also took Valium at the time.

Yes, that’s when the attack started.  We were driving out of the parking lane, and got close to the end and WHOOSH, the world spun!   (the little snapshot above does not do the motion justice!)  I felt like my head was being thrown around in the car.   Stuart got the shot in me fast!  Suddenly things slowed, then they just went crazy again!  I was stuck huddled in the car for an hour, just trying so hard to hold it together.   Nothing was stopping this attack.   My darling husband spent all this time talking to me, trying to say anything to just keep my mind off of what was going on.  And trying to keep me as comfortable as possible.  I am grateful the vomiting didn’t start in the car, but I was so SICK!  Spinning…spinning….ohhhhhh.

Finally, I asked Stuart to try to move the car a little.  At first I couldn’t stand it, then I just knew I had to get home.  Things were bad and I had to feel safer.  As I mentioned, we live ONE MILE from this store.  He drove home, slowly.  He told me every little turn, every bump that was going to happen…everything.

We got home, he got me in the house.  I collapsed on the couch and started to vomit.   I had to go to the bathroom so bad, I also lost control of my bladder.  But I was safe.  And the attack got better.   The severe spinning subsided.  But I didn’t sleep, I was so jumpy!

After an attack it’s normal to simply pass out from exhaustion and sleep for a long time.  I was still so jumpy and antsy.  I was miserable.

I’ve had a long past few days.   I haven’t had one moment since this attack where I felt my head was steady.  Am I having full-blown vertigo all the time, no.  But, if I move my head….well, let’s just not move my head!   I can only sleep on one side, if I turn over I have vertigo.  I’m a mess.

So this is part 1 of this saga.

As my inner self decided to step in above, I think I’ll take a little time and reflect on this.  Think about what happened, and what I learned.

Next Post…… A Look Inside:  So what did I learn?

Being Honest

On By WendyIn Chronic IllnessLeave a comment

From a Meniere’s Warrior….She speaks here things I think….

Amanda's avatarMeniere's Warrior

The people who love us Meniereans tell us to be ourselves. “You can always be your true self around me.” “You don’t have to hide anything from me”. At first is seems very sweet and endearing and then suddenly it turns in to a load of crap. While our loved ones want us to be honest about how we are feeling – when you have had Meniere’s Disease for eight years – they are sick of hearing you bitch about it. We all may as well be honest. They perceive us as having a perpetual pity party and think, why the hell can’t you just accept it already? Consciously they read this and probably feel appalled or angry by what I am writing. Sure, consciously they want us to be mad when we are mad, be sad when we are sad, be happy when we are happy. The problem is…

View original post 439 more words

Hey Doc, You are Fired!!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mental Health11 Comments

you're Fired

Small note…I started this post on Friday, April 18th.  I updated it today.  It’s a bit long, sorry.  I apologize if it is a little bit jumbled, my head is in that frame of mind right now.  Trying to get everything in, and just now knowing where to stop.  As normal, there may be grammar, typo’s and all kinds of mistakes, if it’s too much, just let me know.  But you may get a long letter back.  : )

After much toil and trouble trying to get help from my psychiatrist, it’s time to give up and move on!

Hey Doc, You’re Fired!

I wonder if firing a doctor makes them understand much, after all, they still have a job, but they don’t have me as a patient any more. If she continues to treat patients the way she has treated me, I don’t see how her new practice is going to survive!  Also, where I’m concerned, she will be told why she no longer has me as a patient, maybe it will bring some understanding.  I’m sure part of this is my issue, but some professionalism must be maintained between a doctor and patient.

From my last post you may remember that I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday, April 9th.  (This was after a month of trying to get my medication straight and get an appointment to see her.  All of that after having side-effects from a medication that I should never have been put on.  She did not look at the medications I had been prescribed by other doctors.  If this had happened, and we had discussed this, I would not have been prescribed a medication that interacted with my other medications.)   On the 9th, we discussed my medication, and I discussed the fact that I felt the need to start an emergency plan in case I was going to hurt myself because I was having many thoughts and desires of doing just that.  I really felt this was not taken seriously, perhaps because my husband is with me most of the time, and cares for me?  I don’t know, I do know I left the office wondering why that was just brushed off.  One reason she may have thought I didn’t need more discussion on this is because I was taking precautions.  I had my husband lock away all of my medication and only dispense them as they are prescribed.  I had him looking for more clues, other than just me balled up on the floor falling into an abyss.  Yes, I was cycling, so on the good swings I was able to try to set an emergency plan in place.  But on the down swings….well, that’s a different matter all together.  However, I cannot stress enough, if you have any mental health issue and feel you may harm yourself, try very hard to make a plan that will help you.  If you want to know more about what I did…please contact me, just look at my About Page.  It may not be everything, but I found it a great help that I knew I was helping myself in some small way even when things were spiraling out of control.

During the latest visit we did make a plan for my medication, but she wanted to talk with my neurologist to make sure the medication she put me on wouldn’t interfere with any other medication she had me on.  Finally, I thought, a Great plan.  She said she should know by Friday, April 11th,  and would be in touch.   That didn’t happen.  My husband called on Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday….and Friday (when he called on Friday the 18th he learned the office was closed for Good Friday).  Each day he only got a recording to leave a message, he never talked to a real person.  I emailed the main office on Wednesday to reiterate that my husband was trying to get in touch, and no one had called him back.  I also made sure they were aware that he is authorized to speak for me, as I cannot talk on the phone.  (This is listed in my files, he has full power of attorney for me.)

My husband also talked with my neurologist.  She said the medication would be fine.  (I’m not sure if the psychiatrist ever actually got in touch with her or not.)   Thursday, April 17th hubby and I talked and decided we would ask my neurologist or general doctor if they would write the prescription for the medication.  Preferably, my neurologist because it is a medication she often prescribes.  (I had already decided I was going to change psychiatrist  but I needed to start the new medication now, who knows when I’ll get an appointment with a new psychiatrist.)

The plan for Friday was to call the psychiatrist first, trying to reach out one more time.  Then call the other doctors mentioned, and to get in touch with my therapist, and hubby’s therapist to see if they might have recommended psychiatrist for me to change to.   However, when hubby called, (as I said earlier) the psychiatrist office was closed for Good Friday.  Yet, she still had not returned any of our calls!  (yes, I am so disappointed in this woman, you have no idea!)  He also called my general doctor, and her office was closed.  He called my neurologist, and she was in!!!  Yay!  She also called in my prescription!  (she was already calling in a prescription for me for steroids to see if we can break this cycle of the killer migraines).  I must say, most of my doctors are WONDERFUL!  I love them, and I know they care about me.

These are just a few of the reasons that I’m firing my psychiatrist, but there is something else that really bothers me about the whole thing.

When I first saw this doctor I had a very good first visit.  It felt right.  Then when I returned for my second visit she seemed to have forgotten everything we talked about.  No, I don’t expect my doctors to remember everything from every visit, but I do expect them to look at my file and be a bit up to date when they walk in the room.  She met me by telling me that she was leaving the practice I was seeing her at, when I was referred to her I was told she was not taking new patients, but since she worked so well with my therapist  she would accept me.  I was conflicted about this because my therapist is with that practice and I like for my doctor and therapist to have a good working relationship.  But I felt very good about the first visit so I decided to follow her to her new practice.  (and when I say new, I mean, they were just starting it, so it’s a big deal for the doctor’s involved.  I realize this has to be a lot for her to deal with, but it shouldn’t be at the neglect of her patients).

Now that I think back on this, it bothers me.  First, it was questioned if she was taking new patients, and she decided to take me on because she likes my therapist so much….ect.   I was thrilled at the time.  Now I think, she should never have taken me on as a new patient when she knew she was leaving that practice.  She had to know, my first and second appointments were only 2 weeks apart.

I know this post is getting a bit long, but I feel I would like to say some good things too.  When I first saw this psychiatrist, I felt validated for the first time in years.  She understood how I couldn’t just exercise…ect.  She seemed to really understand my chronic illness and was willing to work with me.  We discussed that at some points I may have to cancel my appointments on short notice, she understood and set me up special appointments on her planning days, so if I couldn’t come, she wasn’t losing any money.  This plan was still in effect at her new office.  I only had to cancel at her new office ONCE, so I don’t think this should have been an issue; but I don’t really know.  There are 2 other big things that bothered me when she moved.  I have severe asthma.  She put an aromatherapy thing in her office, I could not breathe in there.  I put on my mask and got way to hot and couldn’t stop coughing.  We had to move to the conference room.  I was very uncomfortable there.  We were even interrupted by her husband and that made me feel very odd.  I know it is too much to ask, but after her extreme understanding, or so it seemed, at our first meeting, I kind of expected the smelly thing to be gone from her office when I returned.  I guess she doesn’t have any other patients with scent issues.  One huge thing, as you all know, I have a big problem hearing. this doctor talks very fast.  I ask her often to slow down.  She will apologize and then continue to speak at the same speed.  This is the reason I have to have my husband in my sessions.  I would prefer not to have him in there.  It takes more time, and I feel I’m just spending time going back and forth trying to understand things.

Now, we wait for a bit to see if she will actually return my husband’s calls next week.  If she does, he will explain in detail why we will no longer be in need of her services.  If she doesn’t, I will be writing her a letter.  At this time I’m not sure what other actions I may take.  I do feel doctors should be more responsible for how they treat their patients.  They are in charge of a person’s health.  A mental health provider could the that cog in a person’s life that changes a life forever….or puts it in a delicate balance of life and death.  Am I being overly dramatic here?  I don’t think so.  If I believe my doctor cares and is trying their best to help me, I feel better.  If they ignore me when I have made it clear that I am in a very tenuous state, I feel less like a human.  This is a huge responsibility.

If she calls, we will simply discharge her.  I can understand that she may be way over her head in the new office, that she may have hired the wrong front staff people….ect.  I feel compassion for her about all of this.  There may be extreme circumstances in her own life.  In a business, especially one of this magnitude, extenuating circumstances should have been relayed to the patient and taken care of by another doctor on call.  But she doesn’t even call???  No one called.

So now you know my whole story.

On closing….my therapist got in touch and recommended a new psychiatrist.  We have been in touch, and will see where we are going from here.  I’ll keep you updated on that.

Always remember, we need to be an advocate for ourselves!

If a doctor doesn’t treat you with respect, or if you are just uncomfortable in their care, and you have any way possible, change doctors!  I know some people just can’t do this as easily as I can.  I grew up in a very rural area, I had two choices for a general doctor.  No choices for specialist.  The nearest doctors of choice were over an hour a way.  (this may have been a major reason I was not diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder as early as I might have been.)

Yes, I may have a mental illness, and recently I may have been very depressed because of my medication has not been working properly, but I am a human being.  Oh a better note, I am feeling much better (I know I need to get my medication straight because with Bipolar I Disorder I might feel fine one day and not so much the next).   Doctors still need to take patients seriously.

Yet, I realize that a lot of people will think, “She has a mental illness, is admittedly not stable, she is probably exaggerating about things.”  Or something like that.  I’m lucky I have someone (my husband) who can also help be an advocate for me and explain this is not “all in my head”.   But what if I didn’t?  What if I didn’t have the ability to just change psychiatric doctors?

There needs to be much progress made to help people who need mental health care.  (or health care in general) If they can’t afford it, they are often put on a LONG waiting list to see someone that the state provides.  They have no choice in doctors.  They are often lost in the system.  When you are having mental health issues, trying to navigate the system to be seen at all is extremely hard.  (Yes, I am speaking from experience).   Things need to change.  How can we bring about a change?

I’ve thought and thought on this issue, and I just can’t see how to make things better in this country.  Are the mentally ill meant to live a life of less?

Mental Health care (and general health care) in this country is great….if you can afford it!

Thoughts?  Ideas?  I’d love to hear them.

Just thinking today…..

On By WendyIn Life2 Comments
Daffodils, March 2014 by Stuart Holcombe
The Changing of the Seasons.
Daffodils, March 2014
by Stuart Holcombe

Change is the law of life.

And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

– John F. Kennedy

A tiny little update

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease9 Comments

After my last post I feel horrible I haven’t been back here sooner.

I’m not having a good time with the vertigo recently.  My dear friend, Mr. Meniere’s, has decided to settle in for a visit.  A long horrible visit…so this really will be very short.

Saw my psych doctor last Wednesday.  She is supposed to be talking to my Neurologist (headache pain specialist) about a drug we discussed putting me on.  (a good idea huh?)  But it’s taking a long time.  I did see her late on Wednesday so things probably didn’t get started until Thursday…but my goodness.  Well, I won’t get in to all of that.  I’m upset about that visit….but I’ll vent later.

I am having a better time of it.  Not cycling so much now, I’ve been pretty level for a couple of days now.  I’m reading more of the Buddha’s teachings, and it helps.  (I’m not pushing Buddhism here….I just get very comforted when I read his teachings and try to follow the practices.)

I really need to control my anxiety.  I know the vertigo is more out of control because of the stress.  It is my greatest trigger for Meniere’s.

I need to have emergency plans in place…just in case.  This helps relieve my anxiety about a situation I have no control over.  It gives me a little control.  For example, I have an emergency kit for when I have vertigo attacks.  I feel my severe vertigo attacks have fallen drastically since I created this kit.  I have one for home and one for travel.  It eases my mind.

When I started feeling suicidal, I knew it was my illness, but it didn’t really matter.  So when I cycled enough out of it to be able to really communicate with my husband, we made up an emergency plan.  I know where to call, or go if I feel I am going to hurt myself.  My husband put all of my medication away and gives it to me as prescribed so I will not….tempted when I fall in the darkness of my soul.  We have a plan.  It has helped me so much.  I now feel that I am understood.  My husband knows how I’m feeling, as much as he can.  He’s taking me seriously, and helped me to have in place a way to make it easier when (or if?) the dark lady returns.

Today, we talked about an emergency plan if my husband remains out of work.  We can’t wait until there is no money left, it will cost us money to leave here.  We need to know at what point do we need to decide to leave.  Where we are going, and how things will happen.  There are parts in there we are pretty sure about, but we need to solidify this plan.  I’m so anxious about our future I feel paralyzed.  I know that it is adding to my feeling so very ill.

So….I’m here.

I’m not on the computer a lot right now because of the vertigo.

I’m working on getting the psych meds straight.

We are working on an emergency plan if hubby doesn’t find a job before we completely run out of money.  (luckily we were able to get on a mortgage assistance plan, or we would be destitute before now.  But right now we don’t have to pay our mortgage because of this assistance.)   This will help me feel less anxious about our future.

I have much more to say….things I’ve been discovering about myself…and just thoughts in general.

Thank you all for the loving support you have shown me.  I have felt these emotions all around me, and it has helped so much.  We may not all know each other in person, but I promise, the loving thoughts sent from all of you have reached me.  And I am eternally grateful.

The Bipolar Cocktail – when the mixture isn’t right…

On By WendyIn Bipolar35 Comments

Medication_cocktail_by_LaChixMany illnesses are treated with a cocktail of medications, Bipolar type 1 is not different.  For me, I must have a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, an anxiolytic (anti-anxiety drug), and….I can’t remember if there is anything else.  I think that’s it.  Right now the mood stabilizer is working.  The antidepressant isn’t working, and the anxiolytic is trying hard to work but I have a lot of reason to be anxious.  (that’s what my therapist told me on Thursday anyway).   Of course, you could say I have a lot to be depressed about too, but I don’t normally let depression take over my life.  I’m fighting hard to keep telling myself, “This will get better.”, but it has been a bit overwhelming lately.

The tears, so many tears have fallen.  The words, “I’m sorry.” have passed my lips so many times I’ve begun to wonder if I can finish a conversation without saying it.  I’ve been told by professionals that I don’t “wallow”.  Oh if they could see me some nights, they might just change their minds.

Recently I completely lost control.  In a complete panic! I needed to leave.  I needed to get away from my husband before I hurt him any longer.  I know I’ve become such a burden, I’m not a fun person, I’m worthless, and useless.  I wish this wonderful, caring man had never met me.

How could I leave?  I can’t drive.  Where would I go?  I have no money.  What could I do?  The only answer.   Take the dark lady’s hand, I hear her promises to make it all better.  To help my husband.  To end the pain for both of us.  I reach out….and suddenly I stop!  NO!  This is my illness talking!  It will get better.  My husband loves me, and if I leave with her, he would be devastated.  I can’t hurt him.  “NO! my  lady I will not leave with you.  I’m stronger than you!” … at least for now.

I knew my resolve was weak.  I knew I couldn’t trust myself.  I grabbed my computer.  I searched and searched….I needed an inpatient hospital.  Somewhere I could go for just a little while.  Somewhere I could be made to not listen to the dark lady beckoning to me with empty promises.  I found a listing, I hit on it…..Site Not Found….What???  I went to the next place on the list…it wasn’t an inpatient facility…the next, same thing….again…again!  I threw my computer!

I was so livid!  And so…..I don’t know….I really don’t remember what happened immediately after that.   I know I ended up getting in the bath, (for those who regularly read my blog you will know how odd this is for me, I’ve become quite phobic of the bath due to my vertigo, but in the bath I was.) and my husband joined me.  He held me, and we just laid back in the water.  I talked, he could only listen.  (I can’t wear my cochlear implants in the tub, so even if he talked I wouldn’t have known.)  I cried, he held on tighter.  I told him everything.  He knew most of it already.  He did witness it.   When we got out of the bath, and readied for bed, I gathered all my medications and gave them to him.  I took out 3 pills that I might need during the night, knowing that even if I took the 3 together I would not cause myself harm.  I told him to lock them away, until I was better.  Only giving me the medications as I needed them.   (this happened a few days ago)

My cocktail will be remixed on Wednesday.  It will take a while to know if this mixture is working.  Until then, I will be cautious.  I’m still crying a lot.  The words “I’m sorry” are continuously spewing from my mouth.  I not only feel sad, angry, lost and riddled with panic….I feel sick.  My body feels as if it is fighting off an invader.  I keep running a low-grade fever, on and off.  I am hot….I am cold.  My head, throat, all of me hurts.   I had one of the worst asthma attacks I’ve had….ever…yesterday.  It scared me….suffocation is terrifying.   Once I knew my rescue inhaler was not going to work, we rushed to get the nebulizer up and running.  Luckily, I began to feel relief very quickly.  A trip to the ER was narrowly avoided.

Yes, I have an emergency plan in place now for my deepest levels of depression.  Of course, I have my husband watching my behavior.  I have all my medications that could harm me locked away to be given out only at specified times.  We have the address and phone number of an emergency psychiatric hospital.   At times I am thinking clearly.  Other times I feel so engulfed by the depths of depression I cannot imagine a way out, it feels as if I’ve stepped in a tar pit and it is constantly trying to pull me under.  I have to keep my mantra in my head….”I know it will get better.”   I’ve had problems with my medications before, I KNOW THIS WILL GET BETTER!

Share Your World – 4 questions about Me

On By WendyIn About Me4 Comments

I’m starting a new fun challenge.

Over at Cee’s Photography she has a weekly challenge called Share Your World where she will ask 4 questions about ME.  (or anyone who takes the challenge).  So each week, you will start learning different things about me….not just about my chronic illnesses.  A little break from the norm, and a way to remind me and everyone else that I’m not just my illnesses.  I have many facets to explore….

So let’s get started:

Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?

I_want_to_believe5
Poster in Fox Mulder’s office on the X-Files.


I think it would be pretty egotistical of me to think that our planet is the only one out there that can support life, and has life on it.  Do I think there is life on the planets in our solar system?  No.  But somewhere, out there…..yeah, as Fox Mulder’s poster said, “I Want to Believe”

What type of pet or pets do not want to have?

I like all kinds of animals and have had a number of different pets, from snakes to birds.  What type of pet to I not want to have?  Any animal that is endangered.  An animal that has been raised in the wild and should stay there.  A skunk. Since I have a cat now, I wouldn’t want a bird, however I really loved my bird.  I wouldn’t want another snake, that was a phase.  I don’t want a pet that doesn’t like people, who can’t love.  There’s probably some I’ve left out….but that’s a pretty good start, especially for someone who really likes animals!

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

The Brightest Yellow that they can make!  A friend once described me to a future employee of mine as a YELLOW type person.  Always bright, and happy.  No I’m not always happy…if you are a regular reader of my blog, you know this about me.  But I am more positive than negative person.  I try to make the most out of things. I like to be kind to others and just make people smile.

What type of transportation would you be? Why?yellow jeep

A bright Yellow Jeep Wrangler!  It’s FUN!!  I’ve had one and miss it often.  It looks like a Tonka Toy, who wouldn’t want to drive a Tonka Toy?  Plus, every time I got in it I smiled…the brilliant yellow was a bright spot to any day.  (My husband gave me a Yellow Jeep for a wedding present.  We sold it when we moved across country, for the second time.  I always thought I’d get another, but then we decided we only needed one car, and shortly there after I couldn’t drive any longer.  But we do have a yellow VW Bug…convertible!  And it’s fun too.  My thoughts?  Why have a boring car?

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

Being able to go outside in the sunshine.  Riding in the Bug with the top down.  That my husband can give me injections.  and Too Much Information ahead…..I had sex with my husband!  Much like we used to, it was delightful.  If you know more about my illnesses, you will know it’s hard for this to happen.  I have chronic pelvic pain, hip dysplasia, and vaginismus.  ( I just realized I need to update my Chronic Illness tab.)

 

So, how do you like this new challenge I’ve accepted.  Questions come out on Mondays, so I will post them sometime during the week.  I hope you like learning things about me that you never would have guessed.

 

Dark and Silent – A day with a Migraine

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, Migraines6 Comments

headache 7

When a migraine really takes hold of me, it’s time for a day with no light and no sound.

Take my medication and try to sleep.  Oh but the pain, sleep just will not come.  A tiny bit of light maybe?  Oh no, not yet.

I must say I’m grateful that I can just leave my cochlear implants off and I’m in silence.  I don’t have to worry about sounds sending me into an abyss of pain.  My room is cloaked in darkness.  I do have to have nightlights, they all point to the floor, showing as little light as possible.  If you are like me and have Meniere’s Disease with hearing loss, you will understand why I must have some light.  There are TWO main reasons:

First, I cannot walk in the dark.  Literally, I cannot tell the direction I’m going in, often I can’t tell if I’m going up or down.  Walking in the dark, is simply not something I can do.  I haven’t been able to stand up in the dark for many years, long before I was diagnosed, or showed any signs, of having Meniere’s.  I remember being told I was just thought to be a little off.  I also get Migraine Associated Vertigo, another reason why it is not advisable to walk in the dark when having a migraine, even if I didn’t have other balance issues.

Second, I cannot hear in the dark.  Let me explain.  The only way I can hear…really hear anything, is with may cochlear implants.  If I don’t have them on, I can’t hear.   I have to see to hear.  I have to read my husband’s lips or the little bit of ASL (American Sign Language) that we know.  That’s the only way I can communicate.  Yes, he could write things down, but I’d need more light to read it than I need to see his hands talking to me.

After taking my rescue medication, then my backup medication when that didn’t work…I finally start to have some relief.  No I’m not pain-free, I’m just not lying on the bed with a huge ice pack on my head wishing that someone would just cut my head off!  The pain has gone from being very close to a 9 (10 is going to the ER pain), to about a 6 or 7.  Remarkably, this amount of pain I can deal with fairly well.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bragging that I can take the pain…Oh no!  This comes from the fact that I have Chronic Daily Headaches, so every day my headaches are on the 2-3 level.  I don’t complain until it hits a 5, and only then because I know it will be getting worse.  At a 5 I will often take something, but I need to be careful, I can’t take something if I’ve taken something for too many days in a row, this will cause rebound headaches.  I never want to have rebound headaches!  Before I knew about rebound headaches I took too much medication.  I hurt, I took something, that’s the way it works right?  But you can get to the point where your body says, OK, it’s time for you to hurt so I can have that pain medication.  It’s strange.  I know I’m not giving sound medical rationale about this, but that’s the way I think of it.

I’ve been told that today is a very beautiful day, with temperatures close to 80 degrees F.  The sun is shining and the flowers are starting to bloom, a great day to take out the VW Bug convertible (that I got a few years ago, and now I can’t drive…but I still enjoy it).   Instead of having a lovely day out with my husband, I’m closed up in my bedroom (I literally haven’t left this room in a week, or more.   I’ve had so many migraines and vertigo taking the stairs is just too risky.)

I’m only able to write this in small increments with my computer screen dimmed as far as it can go without being black.

Why is the Botox not working?  I have no idea.  It normally takes a week for it to kick in, but it’s been over a week.  I hope this doesn’t mean that this treatment has stopped working for me.  I’m not sure what we’d do next.

Days like this…well the week like I’ve had, makes me feel so useless and..oh I don’t know how to say it, I feel like I’m just alive, but I’m not living.  Understand?

If you have times like this, what do you do?  How do you start to feel useful again?  I feel it’s been so long since I’ve really been useful.  So many people wish they could just lie around in bed all day, never having to do housework, always having someone to wait on them…..but I tell you, it’s not really what they want.  Living like this is torture.  I want to be able to cook and clean.  Work in my studio.  Have a Garden.  But, it’s just too much on this body and mind of mine.  I say figure out something small, but I’m out of suggestions.  If I didn’t have this blog, and the blogs I follow….my friends in my computer, I would feel completely worthless.  Thank you all for giving me that gift.

I apologize that the pain is talking so much today.  May tomorrow be a more pain-free and steady day.

This is my brain on Menieres

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness1 Comment

I can really relate! Extraordinary Spin-ster, a new blog dedicated to Meniere’s Disease, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and ADD….be sure to check it out!!

 

itstita's avatar

I can really relate! Extraordinary Spin-ster, a new blog dedicated to Meniere’s Disease, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and ADD….be sure to check it out!!  

View original post

BraveHeart Award!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

braveheartawardI have been nominated for the Brave Heart Award by former winner, Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, MCC, SCAC of ADD and so much more.  Madelyn is an ADD Advocate, ADD Coach and Mentor, and ADD Poster Girl”, but she is so much more!  Madelyn not only helps those with ADD, she helps others (like me) who live with someone who has ADD…and again, she does So Much More!  Madelyn is not only a survivor of abuse from many people who just don’t understand living with ADD…and more, she is also a survivor of a vicious attack.  She and a friend were mugged at gunpoint.  With bones and bodies healing; it was time for a realization that these attackers hurt more than her body, her mental health was also hurt.  She is a strong survivor of abuse!!  Please read more about this wonderful woman, how she has been dealing with the aftermath of her attack, and how she helps so many with ADD world…and so much more!  Thank you Madelyn, you are a great inspiration!

Remember you can find Madelyn at http://addandsomuchmore.com

Rules for Accepting the Award

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Take the 12 question interview and share it on your blog. (see my interview below)
  3. Nominate 12 blogs.  (my list of nominees are at the bottom of the post)
  4. You cannot nominate blogs that have already won the Brave Heart Award.
  5. Share your 12 nominees website/blog links on your blog page. 
  6. Include the Quote below with the notification to your nominees.

Madelyn formatted this to be ADD-friendly – it has “shorter paragraphs and (is) slightly adapted” — I used this version to be able to nominate those dealing with chronic illnesses (both physical and mental) – “abuse that results from the actions and comments from the many who simply don’t understand. The original version contained the word “abuse” alone, which has a more specific meaning to those who have been physically or sexually abused – or to those diagnosed with PTSD.”  The original version can be found at the bottom of this post, right before the list of my nominees.  (the words in quotations are Madelyn’s words.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong.

I want you to know that any abuse you experience as a result of your diagnosis is not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse.

In your life, you have faced many demons, but look around you and you will see there is hope and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope.

You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

Each step you take you are not alone. Stand Strong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12 Interview Questions:

1.Tell us a little bit about your blog. Who designed it?
2. What is the title and description of your blog?
3. Who is your intended audience?
4. How did you come up with the title of your blog?
5. Give us an interesting fun fact about your blog.
6. What other blogs do you own and what makes them alike?
7. Do you have any unique talents or hobbies?
8. How can we contact you or find out more about your blog?
9. What can we expect from you in the future?
10. What can readers who enjoy your blog do to help make your blog more successful?
11. Do you have any tips for readers or advice for other writers/bloggers?
12. Before you go, could you share a snippet from your blog?

First – Thank you Madelyn for nominating me!

 The answers to my interview questions:

1.Tell us a little bit about your blog. Who designed it?

I used a template from WordPress to design my blog.  It takes me forever to go through all the Themes and find just the right one that I think fits just right.  I don’t want my blog to be too busy.  I like a Custom Header of some size, and a Custom Background.  I update the look of my blog about once a year.  Right now I’m using the Yoko theme.  I found an black and white image on line that was free to use and changed it up a bit with Photoshop. (I cropped it, changed small things in the image, changed the background color, and added the ants).  At some point I may pay to change this to my own domain instead of using the free WordPress options, but right now, this works for me.  (when working on changing the look of my blog I have a private blog that looks like this one and do all the tweaking there, then I change things on my real blog easily and no one is bothered by my constant changing to get it just right.)

2. What is the title and description of your blog?

The title of my blog is Picnic With Ants.    When I first started my blog it was just to help me deal with what was happening to me.  (the rapid progression of Meniere’s disease.)  I also wanted to talk about the other chronic illnesses I have.  There are a few Tabs at the top of my blog that you can check out to learn more about what my blog is all about.  This blog has grown because I found I was reaching people who suddenly found they were not alone.  Just helping one person not feel alone when dealing with chronic illnesses, is worth all the work I put into this blog.

3. Who is your intended audience?

Oops, I kind of answered this in the last question…..but I’ll be more specific.  My intended audience is anyone who has a chronic illness (physical or mental), even if it isn’t one of the illness I have, there is a comradeship found with those who deal with illnesses on a daily basis.  Hopefully, this blog can also help those who care for and love people with chronic illnesses.  Truthfully, I started this blog to help me, I was the intended audience.  That has grown, still I write to not only help others, but to help me deal with my every day struggles as a person with chronic illnesses.  I invite others to join me on my journey and share their stories with me.

4. How did you come up with the title of your blog?

I came up with many titles before sticking with this one.  I actually got suggestions from friends and had a poll for the most liked name, and Picnic With Ants won.  It was too difficult to come up with a name that covered everything that I wanted to talk about on my blog.  As I tell in the sidelines, I like to think of my life as a wonderful picnic, then the ants come and bite me in the butt!  (the “Ants” are my chronic illnesses).

5. Give us an interesting fun fact about your blog.

Let me think……an interesting fun fact.  I laugh a lot and share this with my readers.  I share the good, the bad, and the very ugly.  I think some people are shocked at some of the things I’m willing to share, but that’s a part of this life.  A fun fact…despite being disabled due to my chronic illnesses, and at times mostly house bound, I normally find humor in every day.  I share much of this with my readers.  My husband and I have the most loving and amazing relationship!  We giggle and laugh…A LOT!  There is much miscommunication due to my hearing loss….for example, I once thought I heard him say that Jesus was Jimmy Buffett!

6. What other blogs do you own and what makes them alike?

I have 2 other blogs that I used to keep up with very diligently, but as I have had to start dealing more with my health, I have let the other blogs go.  One is called Create to Heal…it is about being creative to help in the healing process.  I am a trained artist, and I believe creating makes people feel better.  Often it can help you say things that you can’t say with words.  I still create art and write, but I do not have the energy to work on blog posts to share this with others.  My other blog is called Wendy Cooks….it’s about cooking while have Fructose Malabsorption and Gluten Intolerance.  I haven’t been posting in this blog because my balance issues and vertigo have made it impossible for me to cook on a regular basis (I hate to admit I’m not cooking any more because I love it)   How are these blogs alike???  They all deal with illnesses and healing.  Reaching out to others and sharing how I deal with being sick.

7. Do you have any unique talents or hobbies?

I’m an artist.  I can’t do everything I used to, but I still draw in pencil and ink, I also paint.  My husband says I have many talents that I just don’t think I see….so perhaps he’d be better at answering this question…..hummm that might be a Too Much Information Moment.  *giggle*  Hobbies…I love to read, write with dip calligraphy pens….I’m trying to learn more about calligraphy, make up silly songs about our cat and things around the house, watching cartoons……let’s say I try to stay busy.

8. How can we contact you or find out more about your blog?

I guess the best way to find out more about my blog is to just look around.  Comment, and ask questions.  If you want to contact me directly check out my About Me page and for more information.  I’m always happy to hear from people.

9. What can we expect from you in the future?

Hopefully a lot more posts.  I want to talk more about the different chronic illnesses I deal with, instead of focusing primarily (almost exclusively) on Meniere’s Disease.  More of my artwork to go with posts.  Hopefully, more guest writers who can share their stories and give hints on how they handle day-to-day life.  I also plan to talk more about how people with any type of illness can deal with life in general.  (Hygiene, Oral Hygiene, Sex, Food, Stress Reduction…..ect.)  If there is any subject anyone wants me to cover please drop me a line and let me know.

10. What can readers who enjoy your blog do to help make your blog more successful?

Make sure and let me know what you enjoy the most.  Tell me what you would like to read more about.  If you have something to share, please reach out and do a guest post.  Share with others that you found a blog you really like.  : )  Mostly, just keep me informed, if I start to be boring don’t just drift away, tell me…..I may need a kick in the pants!  Who knows I may just need to know someone out there cares about what I have to say!  And always click LIKE if you like a post.  Comment if you want to hear more on the subject.  Share with others so I know many are interested.

11. Do you have any tips for readers or advice for other writers/bloggers?

Speak from your heart.  Even if you have a humor blog, make sure you are sharing humor that touches you.  Read.  If you like to write, you have to love to read.  If you want to grow your blog, visit many blogs, like a post so the writers knows you were there, follow blogs that interest you….it all comes back to you.  The biggest advice I have for writers is to reread your posts and edit your grammar and spelling.  (this is something I think is very important, but something I often don’t find myself doing….I promise to do better)  If your blog is important to you, that should be all that counts.  I write because it helps me.  I continue to write publicly because I feel my writing has helped others in some small way.  Just as other blogs have helped me.

12. Before you go, could you share a snippet from your blog?

One post on my blog that has meant so much to me is My Songs Of Silence.
This was part of the WEGO Health Activist Writers Month Challenge in 2012.  At the time I was losing my hearing pretty fast (I’m deaf now), the challenge for the day was to create a song for your health focus or your blog.  I could no longer hear music….but I must say, I think a friend of mine and I came up with a pretty cleaver theme song.  I hope you enjoy it.

The original version of Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

Each step you take you are not alone. Stand Strong.

My Nominees

In no particular order.

To all my nominees:  You are some of the bravest people I know!  I am honored to know each and every one of you.  I know many of you may not be able to do everything required to receive this award, but know, in my heart, you are all Brave Warriors!!

  1. Phylor’s Blog: Pain, Poetry, Bipolar, Prose (and a little bit of whimsy..)
  2. Soul Comfort’s Corner: This lovely lady deserves this award.  I have learned so much about her over the time we have followed each others blogs and emailed each other.  I know she won’t accept this award, because she doesn’t do things like this….but I wanted her to know how much I think she is a BRAVE HEART!
  3. Hibernationnow’s Blog: Life with Fibromyalgia, and so much more….
  4. Bipolar BarbieQ : Writing about Bipolar, and life
  5. Lipreading Mom : Hard of Hearing, Deaf, Bullies….
  6. Another Boomer’s Blog : Hard of Hearing, Deaf, ASL…..
  7. Extraordinary Spin-ster!: Meniere’s, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and ADD
  8. Meniere’s Warrior :  Life with Meniere’s Disease
  9. Miss Crabby Ass : A Bipolar Lady
  10. Adventures of a Deaf Adult : Deaf, Hard of Hearing, Cochlear Implants
  11. Sunshine and Chaos: Living with Invisible Chronic Illness
  12. Taking Life for a Spin : Living with Vertigo and Chronic Illness