Tag: Stress

Too much Stress & A Headache ranking in my all time top 3.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness10 Comments

I have been feeling somewhat better, on and off.  So we have thought the medication has been working.

However, I’ve been under a huge amount of stress, not just my illness…so much more. I could probably do a bullet list, but I’ll share one big one.  (Please if you are sensitive to pet issues, do not read this.  Or if you do, please know ahead of time, it has a happy ending – as much as it can be for a very, very old dog.  But she’s happy and fine, don’t worry.)

Last Saturday, we decided to go for a ride, just get me out of the house.  It was a lovely ride.  We had a nice lunch outside, and came home.  We weren’t gone over 2 hours.  When we got home, our dog got very excited, as usual.  You know how dogs can get.  It’s precious.  Unfortunately, Sandy is a small dog and has a collapsed trachea.  It’s common in toy breeds, but Sandy’s about 22lbs, so not that small.  However, she has it none the less.  When she gets excited, she breathes fast, this causes her trachea to close, literally choking her.  She started to cough.  We tried to calm her.  She staggered while coughing to her pad to pee.  She fell down.  Went rigid, threw her head back and yelped a few times…she was seizing.  Then she stopped, everything.  She stopped breathing.  I started to breathe for her.  She didn’t start breathing on her own.  She voided her bowels.  We really thought we’d lost her.  I couldn’t find a pulse, but that’s really hard for me to do anyway.  So I started CPR.  After about 5 -6 rounds, she stuck her tongue out and licked, took a deep breath, and started to groggily move her head.  She came back to us.  We took her to the Emergency Vet.  But now we have to try to keep her calm.  She can still show she’s happy, but no running, so jumping, not getting overly excited.  I feel like we are being forced to take a little bit of her personality away.  But she is 19, and she still seems happy.  The vet says she’s in no pain, and she shows so much love.  We do have a huge problem with incontinence, and realize we will have to replace all the carpet in the house at some point.  But for now.  We have our lover dog.  She has bladder cancer (but they can’t even feel the tumor), Alzheimer’s, cataracts,  hearing impairment, and well she’s just plain old.  But she’s happy, she loves us, and she is in no pain.  So for now, all is good.

Our Sandy Dog.

However, a big stressor!  And this isn’t the only one!

The more stress I have, the more I can feel my symptoms increase.  I’ve never been a big believer when doctors say,”you’re just under too much stress”.  I’ve often felt that was a cop-out.  And sometimes I still think it is, after all. life is stress.  There is no way around it.  But recently, I’ve had more than my share I think.  Way too many tears have been shed, and I’ve been way too tense over situations I have no control over.

I can’t help but wonder if what happened on Thursday had anything to do with the culmination of stress I’ve been under.  On Wednesday night I couldn’t lie down to sleep without having a very bad headache, so I attempted to sleep sitting up.  Not the easiest thing to do.  Needless to say, it was a fitful night.  I woke in the morning, still needing more sleep, but feeling pretty decent.  I decided to travel downstairs and surprise Stuart by making some rolls for breakfast.   Just a mix, nothing fancy.  However, I never made this mix before, and it was the most annoying thing.  It may as well have said, we give you the gluten-free flour, you provide the rest.  Then it said to roll out gluten-free dough!  What?  If you’ve ever worked with GF dough you know you get a very sticky mess, try to roll it out, and you get a glob on your rolling-pin.  I knew this and tried different things.  I have a short temper these days, I get very irritated easily, and then cry.  So I decided to just spoon the stuff in muffin cups and bake it, if it tasted cinnamony, then we had a success….I did not care what it looked like.  That was a very good thing.  They were very ugly, but okay.  Not a mix I’ll buy again, and very glad it was not expensive!  But a nice surprise.

Then I took it upstairs to Stuart, still asleep. As I was climbing the stairs my headache began to get worse.  Bu I was so proud of my ugly cinnamon muffin thing.  I crawled in bed and laid the muffin thing beside Stuart and he woke up with a big smile.  He loves cinnamon.  He looked at me, “You made this?”  I smiled.   “Wow”  I felt good, and proud…and then the headache got worse.  I took something, and Stuart went to make more for breakfast.  He came back, I ate, and took pain and nausea meds.  I took migraine meds.  I’d already taken the medication for the pressure.  The headache climbed rapidly soon I couldn’t focus, I was gagging but nothing was coming up.  I had ice packs on my head.  My headache had risen to a category 10 – go to the ER.  But I couldn’t go.  I just couldn’t.

Severe headache with ice on my head. 3/22/2012

It scared me so much the thought of strange doctors treating me.  With everything that’s going on and my confusion…I just couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t go.  NO.  I was screaming from the pain, and the fear.  It took over 2 hours to get the pain level down to a tolerable level.  During this time I was panicking, feeling claustrophobic, confused, paranoid….ect.  It was a horrifying afternoon.  My head hurt so much for the rest of the day.  But as long as we can get it to a category 8 or under I can handle it.  Truthfully, I’d rather take the medication I have at home, and not go to the ER and have them give me other medications which I am not familiar with.  Who knows what side effects they may cause.  So many pain medications make me throw up.  I just don’t want to go through it.  And I do not want anyone to ever accuse me of drug seeking.

So, we’ve been playing tag with Dr. Gray for a few days.  We’ll get in touch soon I’m sure.  The headaches are better today.  But still constantly never under a 5.  The medication is working to a certain degree.  The side effects, are not comfortable.  I think we need to figure something out.  Unfortunately, there are only 2 medications to treat this disorder.  If they don’t work you get a shunt.  That’s it.  It’s a rare, not a lot of research money spent on it.  I hate being on this part of the journey…wait and see.  Increase the dose.  Add this drug, adjust this amount…ect….wait and see.  Dang it all, I want to feel better.  Remember when you were little you got sick, you went to the doctor and they gave you some medicine and you felt better. Why isn’t it that easy any more?

I Want It Now!…but I’m still Stinky…

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness12 Comments

I Hate it when I can’t do something for myself!!

I HATE it when I want something…like food…and I’m brushed off…oh I’ll get it in a little bit.  Then, he offers,  “how about a (insert something tasteless that I’ve had every day for a week here)?”  “NO!  I’d like some REAL FOOD.” (sometimes I’ll even suggest something…”ummm, that’s so hard, and I’m tired.”  Damn…the I’m Tired Card.  That makes me feel guilty EVERY TIME.

But today,  something tasty was discussed, pizza, or Chinese….Chris decides he’s going to make Chicken soup….hummmm…I – do – not -want –  Chicken soup.  I’ve had that a couple of times this week….  “Oh it’s just to make sure the chicken won’t go bad, we will be getting something else…something good.”  “OK.”, I said dubiously.  “What do you want?”  I said to ask Penelope, I’m good with either the Chinese or pizza….secretly I really wanted the rolls from Pei Wei…but pizza is good too. (Really, I didn’t want to be difficult.)

He comes back….much later…how about soup tonight and we do the other tomorrow.  Fine. {grumble, grumble}  (Now he remembers this whole scenario much differently than I do….but we know I’m right.  He swears I never said I didn’t want soup tonight….uumph!)

I got all flustered with him…I’m hungry…now, dangit…and I don’t remember what happened next or why but I told him to please leave.  I did some other stuff on the computer and…an hour later…I finally called out for him…”OK it has been 2 hours since I said I was hungry is there a reason I’m not eating?”

I Want It NOW! (image by horrificbeauty - Veruca Salt - click to link to artist site)

(yes, you can see the red flames coming out of my eyes at this point….I think you may have been able to see horns and a tail.)  I get sicker and dizzier when I’m hungry…and I’m already pissed that I have to ask for food like a puppy!

I hear…”the soup isn’t quite ready yet”…”Don’t care, it’s been 2 hours…I want something to eat NOW!” “I can find you something.” But he just sat there looking at me… (I actually shooed him away like, well, be off with you fetch me some food damn it! Why are you still here? …I vaguely remember him saying something about being a slave boy, but I was way past hearing reality at this point.  Really?  I did this?  Why does this man put up with me?)

He brought me grapes.  I almost threw them at him….but I took a deep breath and ate the 6 grapes I’m allowed to eat in a day…and waited.  then he brought up some chicken with some mayo/mustard type dressing on it and called it chicken salad….I looked and didn’t comment on what he brought only that it was only about 3 bite fulls.  “But the soup will be ready in 15 mins!”  I thought…that better be some damn good soup!

Luckily it was.  Oh, yes, it was some of the best Chicken Noodle Soup I’ve ever eaten.

Was it what I wanted tonight?  No.  Was it satisfying…mostly.  Would anything else have been any more satisfying?  Sadly..I doubt it.

Then came the humbling, groveling, feeling extremely guilty time….Yes by ME!

Sometimes, it just gets to me (this time of the month much more than others, unfortunately).  I hate being dependent upon someone else for everything.  I HATE to have to ask someone to do something for me that I use to be able to easily do for myself.

Soon I had another problem.

I have been smelling vomit on and off all day.

I have not thrown up today, or yesterday even.  I did wake up last night very sick, feeling like I was going to vomit and I did gag a few times but I did not, I repeat I DID NOT throw up!!  So why do I keep smelling vomit?

I smelled my clothes…no, but I washed up at the sink and changed them any way.
My pillow case, no.

My sheets, no.

Finally this evening, I asked Stuart, do I smell like vomit?  He looked at me, “I can’t imagine why you would. Everything around you is clean.”  Still, I got him to smell me, and YES, I smelled like vomit!  EWWWWW!

OK, Bath time.  I was feeling better than I had been so it was time to brave the bath.

I ran the water, added some Epsom Salts for my aches and pains and got in….and got sick!  OH…the walls started to breathe.  I ran cold water over my wrist.  Please do not make me give up my bath.  I tried and tried…but no…Stuart was holding on to me and leaned over to let the water out.  I cried.  I looked up into his eyes with the biggest saddest eyes anyone has ever seen with tears rolling down my cheeks and said, “But I’m still Stinky.”  Then I burst into uncontrollable sobs.

"But I'm Still Stinky." (Vintage Big Sad Eyed Child painting - artist unknown)

My dear husband got in the tub and helped me up, dried me off, and got me out of the tub.  I sat on the toilet, and said, “of course, now I feel better.”  Without a word, Stuart soaped up a wash cloth and gave me a sponge bath while I sat there.  Very gently, with lemon scented soap.

He helped me back to bed.  I looked at him, and said, “I’m not stinky any more.”  He just smiled and said, “No more Stinky.”

**Please note:  I started to post this last night.  I was entering the photos when suddenly I went into a full spin.  Stuart was kind enough to save the draft so I could put it out today.  This is how life has been for the past 16 days.  I may have been the bitch from hell yesterday, but I promise I’m not like that often, and he says it gives him a little bit of insight into what I’m dealing with…as long as it doesn’t happen every day.  : )  I must say, having 16 days of severe symptoms and now PMS on top of it all, I was a volcano ready to blow.

Thank you to my darling husband for not throttling me.  And by the way….that soup was damn good!!

How to deal with one more thing? PFAM blog carnival

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments
Adding One More thing...

This PFAM carnival is hosted by FibroDAZE, and her prompt is  –” when you have made some sort of peace and are coping with the chronic illnesses you do have and “life” throws you curve balls in the form of a new diagnosis, how do you deal? What are your coping mechanisms? How do you come to terms with the new diagnosis?”

Well, this is a doozy of a topic isn’t it?

How many of us have been diagnosed with something chronic, only to have another chronic illness added on to it, then another..then another….??? (I have a whole list, just look at the Page titled My Ants that Bite.)

This has happened so many times to me now I’m usually relieved to be given a name to something I knew was there.  When I got the Meniere’s diagnosis, it was scary, but it was almost liberating.  I felt validated.  No longer was I dealing with just a bunch of symptoms, it had a name.  (I have a few friends who have an illness with no diagnosis.  This is much harder to deal with, I think, than those of us who have a diagnosis (or many diagnoses).

I had a new diagnosis added on to my list in March, I also went through a 5 month spell of having a reprieve from one of my most debilitating illnesses only to have a relapse about 5 months ago.  How have I handled this?

Truthfully, I cried, I bitched, I was devastated, I collapsed in my husbands arms, then I took a deep breath, pulled myself together and reached out.

I dove into my blog and called on my friends here who have been with me through the ups and downs, I gathered them around me like a nice warm quilt and I let it all out.  They listened, and supported me.  They offered advice when asked, comfort when needed, and a swift kick in the butt when I was wallowing too much.  : )   I’ve been very lucky here to find such a supportive group of people who really “get it”.

I am a strong believer is knowing everything I can about what is going on with my body, so I research, and I find more people who have experience with this and compare notes.  I take what I think will help me, and leave the rest.  (this is tricky, but there are so many people out there trying to take advantage of desperate people with chronic illnesses, we have to be careful.)

I also see a therapist who specializes in helping people deal with chronic or debilitating illnesses.  My husband and I see her together, this has helped us so much, I just can’t begin to say how valuable this has been to us.

My advice?

  • Digest: First take time to absorb the information, don’t let it overwhelm you.
  • Think: How is this going to change my life? Can knowing about this make it better?  (my new diagnosis in March was Fructose Malabsorption, by changing my diet, I am able to make things better.)
  • Seek:  Look for others who have similar issues and compare notes, learn from others who have been dealing with this for a longer time.  Look for as much information on the subject that you can.  The more you know the more prepared you will be to handle what comes your way.
  • Build: A strong support system to help you with this new challenge.
  • Re-evaluate: Is your life going to change?  What will this mean?  Do I need to make a different plan for dealing with things?  Will my diet change? will my ability to do things change? ….
  • Make a plan:  This may take a while, depending on what your new diagnosis is, or in my case how severe my relapse is, a plan is needed so we won’t feel out of control.  Again, reach out and ask other’s how they handle certain situations.
  • Support:  I know I mentioned this before, but I believe this is one of the most crucial aspects of dealing with a chronic illness.  We need support.  Do not hesitate to get professional support when needed.
  • If needed, get a second opinion.

After a long battle with myself, fighting every diagnosis, refusing to believe I couldn’t just be fixed, I realized that my life wasn’t going to turn out like I planned.  Things would have to change, and I needed to let go of some of those old expectations.  No, my life isn’t what I expected, so I’m changing my expectations.   This is a fairly new idea for me, but one I’m clinging to and repeat often.  Not what I expected?  Expect something else!

Now if things come up it’s much easier for me to change accordingly.  This was not an easy thing to do, and I still get stuck, and have set backs and pity parties…but it’s easier than it used to be.

Every day I try to say something I’m grateful for in my life.  Some days I say the same thing as I did the day before and the day before…perhaps I can only think of that one thing, or that one thing is very special at that moment, but I can always think of at least one thing.

Lastly, always remember, you are not defined by your illnesses!

Emotions from A-Z

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Pain, stress5 Comments

I feel like my emotions are all over the place lately.  The stress I’ve been under is starting to wear on me.  Funny, I wasn’t even aware it was there, I thought I was handling thing pretty well.  For the past few days, I’ve found myself just crying.  Crying and crying.  My thoughts are all over the place, and I just feel…I can’t think of a good word that will fit…so I sat down last night and listed the letters A – Z and beside each letter, I wrote the first thing that came to mind.

  • A – Abandoned
  • B – Blame / Blue / Bad /Brave
  • C – Confused / Condemned /Caring
  • D – Desperate / Disabled
  • E – Effort / Easier
  • F – Fear
  • G – Grouchy / Groggy / Guilt /Grateful
  • H – Helpless /Hopeful
  • I – Internalized
  • J- Jumbled
  • K – Kicked
  • L – Loved / Lacking / Loathed /Loud
  • M – Mixed Up /Migraines
  • N – Nuisance / Nauseous
  • O – Overwhelmed
  • P – Put Out / Placated / Period / Pain
  • Q – Quizzical /qi’  (ch’i)
  • R – Rough /Roar
  • S – Sedated /Strong / Stressed
  • T – Tearful
  • U – Unexplainable
  • V – Vexed / Valium / Vertigo
  • W – WHY? WHAT?
  • X – X-irradiation (X-Ray, but doesn’t X-irradiation sound cooler?)
  • Y – Yanked
  • Z – Zero
During this exercise, when I’d think of certain letters, a ton of words would pop in my head.  Other letters, produced little…but they all said something.  Yes, much is negative, but there is some positive in there too.  On a different day, perhaps the positive would out weigh the negative…but today…well…
There is so much going on inside me right now, that just will not come out.  (perhaps, I’m afraid for some of it to come out.)
Having my psych tell me that he felt I needed to fire him, really caused a downward spiral for me.  Not that he would say that, I respect the fact that a doctor would say that if they feel they can’t help you…but the timing sucked.   Not only did I feel abandoned, I felt untreatable.  If he can’t figure it out, why should any other psych be able to.  I’ve always been impressed by D’s knowledge, and willing to learn more and more.  I can’t imagine having a better psych.  I’ve had a few…I know there are some real losers out there…I don’t want to go through that again.
I’ve had some other things happen lately.  This camel doesn’t have many more straws in can carry.
One day at a time…that’s all I can do.

Way Too Much Stress!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Meniere's Disease, stress3 Comments

Another venting post.  If you are tired of hearing me bitch, please just ignore this post and come back next time.  : )

I think I’m dealing with things pretty well…considering.  Stuart says that I just brush things off, that I’m not realizing how much has been coming down on me.  Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been feeling well?  I don’t really feel stressed…but I think it’s coming out in other ways.  Deep Breath!!

As you all know I went through a scare with Stuart recently.  I must admit this has gotten to me more than I want to acknowledge.  I realized this yesterday when we were lying in bed, laughing about something, and I grabbed him and looked him in the eye and said, “DON’T YOU EVER SCARE ME LIKE YOU DID!” And yes, I was shaking him a little bit as I said it.  What the????  And I keep dreaming about it.  We will be together in my dream and I will look over and see him as he was when he walked in the door on that fateful day.  Not a good dream.

Now I have something else on my mind.  One of my best friends is going through marital troubles.  She has twin girls who just turned 3.  Her marriage has been strained for the past couple of years.  Night before last he was arrested for physical abuse.  I’m so worried about her.  I’m happy that she is on her way to her mother’s, and will be away from the situation for a while.  But I’m concerned.  And I’m afraid she won’t talk with me about it.  I knew things weren’t right between then, but she hasn’t talked to me about it really.  She didn’t want to “bother” me with everything because of what I’ve been going through.  That really bothered me.  It really bothers me that my friends don’t think I could still be a friend because of my health problems.  Am I not still the same person?  Am I not still the person she has confided in for years?  Or is she just using that as an excuse because she knows I never really liked her husband.  Or because she was embarrassed?

But she isn’t the first friend who has told me that they didn’t want to “bother” or “burden” me with their problems because of everything I’ve been going through.  That hurts, and I just don’t get it.  For one thing, I’ve been a lot better since January.  And even when I was more ill, it would have helped me so much if my friends still made me feel needed.  I had to start this blog to start feeling needed again.

I shouldn’t say I don’t get it.  I do.  But people just don’t understand.  I don’t need to be left alone to wallow in my illness.  I need to feel needed!  I need my friends.  Instead I’m often avoided.  Even now that I’m feeling better.  I feel like some of my friendships have not survived.  We are more like acquaintances now.

I’m still not feeling “normal”.  I have “slosh head”.  My hearing has been down for a month now.  So I’ve been on constant alert that I may be having an attack at any moment for weeks…heck, this is beginning to feel like my normal.  I am so tired so much of the time.  What is wrong with me?  I’m sleeping 10 – 12 hours a night, and often take a 2-4 hour nap during the day.  So some days I’m only awake for about 8 hours.  Oh, and the headaches.  I’ve been having more and more headaches.

OK, perhaps the stress is getting to me.

Scared out of my wits…

On By WendyIn Life10 Comments
Please, no more trips to Duke's ER department any time soon.
I have just come home from the hospital.  I’ve been there for over 11 hours with Stuart.  I’ve never been so scared in all my life!  We didn’t have eggs this morning and he went to the store to pick some up.  He was gone over an hour. (we live 1 mile from the store).  When he came in the door he was pale as a ghost, sweating profusely, and couldn’t walk straight.  He couldn’t talk right.  I asked if he’d been in an accident, he said no, he just needed to sit down.  Well I knew that wasn’t right.  I got him sitting down and ran upstairs to put some pants on (I had on thin shorts), and rushed him to the hospital.  He couldn’t get his words out, he was seeing double and he started throwing up.  I ran in the hospital asking for help – I was so distraught they thought he was coding…well heck, I thought he was dying!!  (Yes, my coping skills were not as high as they usually are.  I’m just so glad Stuart didn’t notice.)
 
They thought he was having a stroke.  They gave him a CT scan, and a contrast CT scan, they came back normal.  They asked if he could be dehydrated.  I don’t see how. We hadn’t done anything strenuous or in the heat for days.  He drank plenty yesterday.  (and said he “had a big pee this morning.”)  (of course, when they were checking him in they asked how much he weighed and he said 120, my husband is 6 feet tall, and a bit over 200lbs.  I don’t think he was thinking clearly.)  They thought his blood sugar might be low…nope.
They pumped him full of fluids, and after the first CT scan he threw up again, then went to sleep.  When he woke up, just minutes later he felt and looked much, much better.  
The doctor said it sounded as if he may not have been getting enough blood to his brain.  They are checking his heart out tomorrow.  They will be doing a stress test MRI in the morning.  Where they stress the heart and do an MRI at the same time.  He’s in observation right now.  I came home to get some sleep, but I’m still so stressed.  My head is roaring.
 
When I left he was acting and looked like his usual self.  But I keep thinking how close it came.  He can’t remember his trip to the store.  His receipt says he bought 2 doz eggs, 1 box cereal, 5 sodas, and 1 carton of milk.  He carried in one bag, it had the eggs and cereal in it.  There is no sign of the sodas or milk.  I have no idea what he did with them.  I can’t believe he drove home in that condition.  And he can’t even remember shopping at all.
I feel so lucky that he made it home.  I’m so afraid to lose him.  I’m so afraid for him.  

My hearing has been down for 3 or is it 4 days now?  I’m so afraid I’m going to have an attack at any moment, then how can I care for him?  How can I be there for him like he has always been there for me?  Yet, how could I not?  I’m so scared.

Stuart’s worried about his job.  The last guy who had his job left under mutual consent because right after he took the job he started getting sick all the time, in and out of the hospital.  Stuart is still a contract employee, he won’t be full time until July 16th.  They could decide not to hire him.
He’s also upset because he isn’t happy with his job, and doesn’t fill fulfilled.  I don’t know how to help him.  I wish I could get a job and make enough money where he didn’t have to worry about how much he made.  But I can’t.

Well enough about that.  He will be getting the cardiac test tomorrow morning sometime between 9 and 12.  If it comes out ok we could be home by 2pm.  I want it to be ok, but then again, I want to know what happened.  I want it to be something small they can fix.  I don’t want to be constantly wondering if it is going to happen again.  He did not realize he was doing so poorly.  He really wasn’t thinking clearly.  And now he doesn’t remember it.  The memory lapse is really scaring him.  He doesn’t really want me to know how scared he is…but I know he is.  And I don’t want him to know how scared I am…but I’m sure he does.