I feel like my emotions are all over the place lately. The stress I’ve been under is starting to wear on me. Funny, I wasn’t even aware it was there, I thought I was handling thing pretty well. For the past few days, I’ve found myself just crying. Crying and crying. My thoughts are all over the place, and I just feel…I can’t think of a good word that will fit…so I sat down last night and listed the letters A – Z and beside each letter, I wrote the first thing that came to mind.
- A – Abandoned
- B – Blame / Blue / Bad /Brave
- C – Confused / Condemned /Caring
- D – Desperate / Disabled
- E – Effort / Easier
- F – Fear
- G – Grouchy / Groggy / Guilt /Grateful
- H – Helpless /Hopeful
- I – Internalized
- J- Jumbled
- K – Kicked
- L – Loved / Lacking / Loathed /Loud
- M – Mixed Up /Migraines
- N – Nuisance / Nauseous
- O – Overwhelmed
- P – Put Out / Placated / Period / Pain
- Q – Quizzical /qi’ (ch’i)
- R – Rough /Roar
- S – Sedated /Strong / Stressed
- T – Tearful
- U – Unexplainable
- V – Vexed / Valium / Vertigo
- W – WHY? WHAT?
- X – X-irradiation (X-Ray, but doesn’t X-irradiation sound cooler?)
- Y – Yanked
- Z – Zero
During this exercise, when I’d think of certain letters, a ton of words would pop in my head. Other letters, produced little…but they all said something. Yes, much is negative, but there is some positive in there too. On a different day, perhaps the positive would out weigh the negative…but today…well…
There is so much going on inside me right now, that just will not come out. (perhaps, I’m afraid for some of it to come out.)
Having my psych tell me that he felt I needed to fire him, really caused a downward spiral for me. Not that he would say that, I respect the fact that a doctor would say that if they feel they can’t help you…but the timing sucked. Not only did I feel abandoned, I felt untreatable. If he can’t figure it out, why should any other psych be able to. I’ve always been impressed by D’s knowledge, and willing to learn more and more. I can’t imagine having a better psych. I’ve had a few…I know there are some real losers out there…I don’t want to go through that again.
I’ve had some other things happen lately. This camel doesn’t have many more straws in can carry.
One day at a time…that’s all I can do.
Picnic with Ants 
Sad to hear that you are feeling so down Wendy!! Thanks for sharing this exercise with us – interesting.
One of my favorite authors quotes something along the lines of ‘tears are just words needing to be written’…. or perhaps in your case pictures waiting to be painted??
Keep you hope up… and even if you’re feeling emotionally terrible… find a way to smile every day: ) Sending positive vibes!!!
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: )
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Wendy, your feelings are completely understandable and valid under the circumstances. You are going through so much with your health right now and sometimes something just has to give. You have to take a few steps back in the grieving process and feel your feelings and embrace them for a bit. It’s ok. Just accepting where you are can help you move forward, if that makes sense.
Also perhaps if you told your psych how you are feeling about his assessment and timing and that YOU feel he is helping you, if that’s a true statement, maybe you two can work through this? Or at least bide a little more time with him to work up to a transition and ease into the change somehow. Just free thinking here…
Hugs to you,
Angelea
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An interesting exercise; something you might want to revisit as time goes on. Or split into two: one with positive and one with negative. See which list the words come easiest for you. And, make the dr. aware, if you haven’t already, how devasting this has been for you. That might help you two reach a new level of understanding, and who knows, some break throughs.
Wishing you luck with your physical and emotional health; these are so tightly wrapped together it’s hard to separate the threads of the tapestries of your life they weave.
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Wendy,
Under the circumstances you ARE incredibly positive. It’s ok to acknowledge that you are nauseous, have vertigo, take valium and have migraines. These are facts. But how refreshing to hear that you are also hopeful, loved, brave and caring! These are very positive outlooks on life. You CHOOSE these. The negatives you don’t choose! Well done friend! 🙂
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