I feel like my emotions are all over the place lately. The stress I’ve been under is starting to wear on me. Funny, I wasn’t even aware it was there, I thought I was handling thing pretty well. For the past few days, I’ve found myself just crying. Crying and crying. My thoughts are all over the place, and I just feel…I can’t think of a good word that will fit…so I sat down last night and listed the letters A – Z and beside each letter, I wrote the first thing that came to mind.
- A – Abandoned
- B – Blame / Blue / Bad /Brave
- C – Confused / Condemned /Caring
- D – Desperate / Disabled
- E – Effort / Easier
- F – Fear
- G – Grouchy / Groggy / Guilt /Grateful
- H – Helpless /Hopeful
- I – Internalized
- J- Jumbled
- K – Kicked
- L – Loved / Lacking / Loathed /Loud
- M – Mixed Up /Migraines
- N – Nuisance / Nauseous
- O – Overwhelmed
- P – Put Out / Placated / Period / Pain
- Q – Quizzical /qi’ (ch’i)
- R – Rough /Roar
- S – Sedated /Strong / Stressed
- T – Tearful
- U – Unexplainable
- V – Vexed / Valium / Vertigo
- W – WHY? WHAT?
- X – X-irradiation (X-Ray, but doesn’t X-irradiation sound cooler?)
- Y – Yanked
- Z – Zero
During this exercise, when I’d think of certain letters, a ton of words would pop in my head. Other letters, produced little…but they all said something. Yes, much is negative, but there is some positive in there too. On a different day, perhaps the positive would out weigh the negative…but today…well…
There is so much going on inside me right now, that just will not come out. (perhaps, I’m afraid for some of it to come out.)
Having my psych tell me that he felt I needed to fire him, really caused a downward spiral for me. Not that he would say that, I respect the fact that a doctor would say that if they feel they can’t help you…but the timing sucked. Not only did I feel abandoned, I felt untreatable. If he can’t figure it out, why should any other psych be able to. I’ve always been impressed by D’s knowledge, and willing to learn more and more. I can’t imagine having a better psych. I’ve had a few…I know there are some real losers out there…I don’t want to go through that again.
I’ve had some other things happen lately. This camel doesn’t have many more straws in can carry.
One day at a time…that’s all I can do.