Tag: #chronicillness

Christmas My Way – Redux

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness7 Comments

I posted this last year and I just read it again.  It made me happy.  I hope it makes you happy too.  This year, it’s Christmas my way again.

christmas-treeWhen I was 30 Christmases as I had known them changed forever.  That was the year my mother died.  Everything changed that year.  When the matriarch of the family dies the traditions die with her.  We tried to keep things alive, we had Christmas at my sister’s house as she had the only grandchild, things weren’t the same, but they were still nice.

Then there was a falling out between me and my niece.  Well not a falling out really, she got mad at me and refuses to be in my presence.  There isn’t much I can do, not that I haven’t tried, I have.  I could speculate all day what has happened between the two of us, but at this point it doesn’t make much difference.  This has however, ruined many relationships for me in my family.  Family Christmases became a thing of the past.

After Stuart and I became a family we started having Christmas celebrations with friends, as Stuart’s family lives a long way away and they don’t do much for the holiday anyway, again they are without the matriarch.  We normally celebrated Christmas day alone, just us, but leading up to that time, we went to parties and had people over to our home to celebrate.  It was a joyous time.  Then I got sick, and things changed.  We no longer got invited to parties.  I no longer felt that I could throw a party.  Then we moved so there is no likelihood of rekindling that time.  Truthfully, we’ve all changed so much, I don’t think there could be any rekindling even if we do move back to our old city, or if I miraculously got better.  Let’s be honest, my old friends really are just that, old friends.  They aren’t a part of my current life.

The last few years I’ve tried to be okay with the holiday.  But truth be told, I’ve been very depressed.  Depression runs rampant during this time of year and I was not immune.  I tried hard not to feel bad that I wasn’t surrounded by people.  I’ve had the one person near me who means the most to me, why should I be depressed?  Because Christmas is a time for friends and family.  A time for gatherings.  It was the two of us, yet I felt lonely.  And I felt guilty that I didn’t feel that it was enough.  I was depressed and felt guilty for being depressed.

Over the past few years I haven’t cared about decorations, we had no tree.  Why hassle with it?  No one would see it.  No one would care.  We’d have a little celebration.  We’d try, but it all seemed like we were just going through the motions.  Christmas is for groups of people, not just the two of us, and we didn’t have a family.

christams-decor
a little decorations making the holiday our own

This year has changed.  No we still don’t have a family, and we aren’t celebrating with any friends.  (We still don’t have any locally)  I changed.  I realized that Christmas really isn’t about family and friends.  It’s all about how you feel inside.  It’s not about giving the biggest gift it’s about giving to those in need.  It’s not about being with a bunch of people it’s about caring for those you are with.  It’s about caring for mankind.

This year I decided to decorate.  I never go all out like some people, that just isn’t me, but we put up a tree, and did a little decorating in the house.  It has made all the difference in our home.  We are in the spirit.  I understood just how much when my loving husband was looking through Amazon and found the National CASA Association Wish List, they provide Toys for Foster Kids, and told me that if I hadn’t purchased his presents yet he wanted the money to go to buying these kids presents.  How special is that?  So we took most of the money we planned to spend on our Christmas presents and bought Toys for Foster Kids.  Realize I did say most, I decided we needed a little gift exchange between the two of us, just a little something.

charlie-brown-puzzle
this is the actual puzzle we put together

We also have other traditions we are going to make sure we revitalize.  We always watch, It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve.  This has been a long standing tradition.  This year we are bringing back putting together the Charlie Brown Christmas puzzle, and our LEGO Christmas Train.  The train will be put together this weekend.  The puzzle goes together on Christmas day.  I don’t have a lot of traditions.  We cook a few little things as the time goes on, and health permits.  We’ve made some cookies so far, we’ll make spiced nuts to give to our neighbors, we’ll make a special breakfast on Christmas day….  The point is we are making this Holiday season ours.   And if at any time I can’t do something because I don’t feel like it we can postpone until later, or just decide not to do it.  All is good during our holiday celebration.

How can you make the season less depressing and more your own?  Remember that it really isn’t about family and friends, it’s about love and giving.  Love everyone and give to those in need.  Honor simple traditions that make you happy, we watch It’s a Wonderful Life.  Make new traditions, like putting together a themed puzzle on Christmas day.  Put up decorations if you want.  If you aren’t able to put up everything you want to, then either ask for help, or try to pick out your favorite decorations and put those out.  We have a small tree, and not all my ornaments fit, so I sit my favorites around as decorations.  The point is to make the holiday your holiday now.  Don’t try to make it what it was when you were well, or what it was when you were growing up, or any dream holiday you have been trying to live up to.  Make this holiday something special, on your own terms.

Sometimes no matter how much we try to make the holiday a pleasant thing for us, it just doesn’t work, depression takes over.  For those who get depressed during this time of year, remember that you are not alone.  If you need to reach out, please do so, there are numbers at the end of this post if you are in need.  If you need a friend to talk to please feel free to contact me.

  • U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255  If you are having thoughts of suicide, call this number immediately.
  • Kristin Brooks Hope Center Hopeline: 1-800-784-2433  This hotline can help you cope with a range of depressive feelings.
  • Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 (press 1)  Responders understand the unique experiences of veterans.
  • United Way Helpline: 1-800-233-4357  They can aid you in locating a therapist, healthcare or basic necessities such as housing and food by directing you to local services.

It takes how long?

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Headaches, Meniere's Disease17 Comments

When you have a chronic illness chances are it’s an invisible illness, others have no idea what you have to do to get through the day.  With my illnesses some days I look sick, some days I can’t get out of the chair and you can tell, I’m sick.  Other days I can get it all together and don’t look sick at all.  It’s those days that confuse people.

I’ve learned that it takes me longer to do things than it does the average human.  There are many days that I can’t accomplish anything, but let’s not talk about those days.  I want to talk to you about the days I am able to do a few things.  The days I appear normal.

Yesterday I started to do the dishes.  The dishwasher needed to be emptied, and there were dirties that needed to go in.  For a normal person this would just take a few minutes.  I started to unload the dishwasher, I got the top unloaded and put away, then I had to rest.  I came back after a bit and started on the bottom, I put away the silverware, and needed a rest.  After about 30 minutes I went back and finished up putting away the rest of the dishes, and started loading up the dishwasher.  While loading it up I took 2 breaks.  Therefore, at the end of this it took me over 3 hours to unload and load the dishwasher.  At this point all I could do was make myself a cup of tea.  This was the end of my ability to do chores for the day.  No one would think that doing the dishes took 3 hours out of my day.  I must say that I’m okay with this.  I’m grateful I can do the dishes at all.  I only wish I could do them every day.

Last week I had an hour to take a bath before a TV show came on that I wanted to see, I thought that would be plenty of time.  Boy was I wrong.  I need to have help getting in and out of the tub because of my balance, that takes a little bit of time, but not much.  I started to take a bath as normal, a little rushed because I wanted to make sure and get out in time, but just a normal bath, then I got dizzy.  Very dizzy.  Try getting a soaking wet 135 lb woman out of the tub when she’s very dizzy, it’s just not that easy, but it’s something that happens a lot around here.  (the reason I am dirty a lot of the time 😉  Getting me in the tub, taking a bath, and getting me out of the tub, took over 2 hours.  Luckily I did have the DVR set for my show.  I know that getting dizzy in the tub is a fairly regular occurrence so I should never put a time limit on it.  But how many people do you know that can’t get a bath done in an hour?

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I don’t look sick.  Taken at a wedding, July 2017

Then there are days when I seem to be able to go non-stop.  Recently I had a weekend like that.  We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago.  On the day of the wedding, I had my hair done, then I rested a little bit, then we had the wedding at 3pm.  The wedding didn’t actually get under way until about 4pm.  Luckily, I was just sitting talking with people.  After the wedding, we had the reception to attend.  On the walk over, I had a mini vertigo attack, because of my vertigo we didn’t intend to stay long and we had planned to have dinner with my sister and her husband.  Then I started seeing people I have known for over 40 years, and adrenaline took over, about 2 hours later, we were finally leaving  (know that all I did was sit and talk with people).  We went back to our hotel, changed and were off to dinner.  We were finally back to our hotel around 9pm.  I was going full out, all day long.  Boy was I beyond tired.  Not only was I exhausted from the simple physical exertion of it all, and the mini vertigo attack I had at the church, I was completely off kilter from trying so hard to hear all day.  (I did find out that my lip reading skills have improved dramatically.)  Of course, I couldn’t sleep due to painsomnia (insomnia due to pain).  There was only 1 station on the TV that would show captions (yeah, what was up with that?) so I was stuck for hours, watching something dumb, I can’t even remember what it was.  This trip was very enjoyable, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but boy did it take a lot out of me.  It took a week or more to recover fully.  For a “normal” person they could have made the trip in one day.  It’s about a 3 hour ride (I can’t drive).  We could have gone down for the wedding and come back that night, if I were a “normal” person.  Instead we went down Friday night, so I would be well rested for Saturday, and we stayed until Sunday so I could recover as much as possible before the ride home.  I had a lot of support for this trip or I never would have been able to make it.  My neurologist (headache specialist) sent me home with a series of shots to be given over the weekend to help with migraines and cluster headaches, both of which have increased dramatically recently.   The specialist I’ve been seeing for my back called in extra meds for me for the weekend.  If these two doctors had not increased my treatment for the weekend, I would never have been able to go and enjoy myself.  I will be forever grateful.  While there my sister took me to have my hair done, she made sure I could understood everything, even though I couldn’t hear in the salon.  She then came back to our hotel and ironed hubby’s shirt.  Without this help, I don’t know if I could have made it.

To summarize: We don’t always look at bad as we feel, we often need to rest more often than what is considered “normal”, sometimes we have to have a lot of support to do things that “normal” people do without thought….and that’s okay.   We normally appreciate things much more than “normal” people.  We care deeply.  We can still live a full life, it’s just different than a “normal’s” life.  and that’s more than okay.

 

 

Thank you ever so much!

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Gratitude11 Comments

thankyou

I am so touched by the support and compassion I have received after posting about how ill I’ve been feeling recently.  Your comments truly helped my mental health.  I feel so loved.

I’m happy to say I am feeling better.  I just took my last steroid.  (If I can help it, it will be my last steroid EVER!)  I’m still having some side effects, but the worst seems to have passed.  The steroids not only affected me physically, they affected me mentally.  A few days ago, I was convinced I was going to die.  Phew, thank goodness that’s gone now!

My back is a bit better too.  It’s still tight, but I’m having much fewer spasms.  I even started some of my physical therapy exercises today.  Crossing fingers all of this will get my back better.

I’m very excited that I’ve been able to knit!  (I do loom knitting)  It’s just that I have projects I really want to finish before Christmas.  🙂  Heck, I’m making a scarf for me, I’d really like to have before it gets cold.  hahaha

Again, thank you all for you love and support.  I am forever grateful.

Distraught…well, not that bad.

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness24 Comments

I’m sorry.  I haven’t been paying attention to my blog and I haven’t been supporting others.  I’m sure you all think I’ve dropped off the earth….maybe not, maybe it’s just me.

I mentioned in a previous post that I hurt my back.  Um, kinda.  I started having back spasms as side effects to a medication back in May, then the med was changed and I was put on another that caused akathisia (the need to move – like restless leg all over), this caused my muscles to tighten even more.  I saw my GP about it and she gave me muscle relaxants.  It didn’t get better.  I was sent to PT.  It didn’t get better.  I was put in steroids, they seemed to help some.  I was sent to a specialist, he gave me lidocaine injections in my back.  I was much worse the next day.  After a couple of days of that, I was once again put on steroids.  This time I think I’m having every negative side effect you can have from a short dose of steroids.

These side effects are hell.  (they are getting better)  My moods, oh my goodness.  I’m so sad, I am crying all the time.  I’m scared, I keep having feelings of intense fear wash over me.  Two nights ago, I was convinced I was dying.  I’ve been having slow moving vertigo, I barely see it moving, but I feel like I’m moving, and I can’t walk without help.  My head has been killing me.  Extreme nausea has plagued me.  I can’t sleep.  and I’ve had 2 seizures.  Oh, let’s just say, I’m going through a rough time.  But don’t worry, it’s getting better.  I know my mood swings are from the steroids, but it’s hard to deal with.  Poor hubby.

Speaking of hubby, he has worked from home the past 3 days.  He hasn’t wanted to leave my side.  I’m so very grateful to have such a supportive and caring spouse.  He makes me want to be a better person.

After all of this, my back still hurts.  I still have 2 days of steroids left, and I have exercises to do, hopefully that will get me on the road to recovery.  To be clear, according to x-rays I have no damage to my bones, it’s all muscular.  The muscles simply will not relax and they spasm often.  I have not had an MRI.  I cannot have an MRI because of my cochlear implants.  If they need more imaging it will have to be a CT scan.  We’ll cross that bridge if it comes.

Forgive me this post of self pity.  I will try to post more often, and get out there and support others too.  I miss you.

 

Last Chance to Win “The Shadow Boxers”

On By WendyIn Book Review, Chronic Illness2 Comments

shadow boxers cover

Please jump over to my post The Shadow Boxers book Review and Giveaway, to read the review on this wonderful journal.  If you have fibromyalgia, or know someone who does, you need this book!

To Enter, comment on the original post, or comment right  here.  Just tell me why you’d like to receive the book and you’re entered!

Contest ends at midnight EST, September 20th.  TODAY!!

The winner will be contacted by email by September 22nd.

Good Luck!!

The Shadow Boxers is available on Amazon.

 

Mindfulness Monday – Jon Kabat-Zinn

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mindfulness8 Comments

20170806_105756

 

“It’s not a matter of letting go –
you would if you could.
Instead of “Let it go,”
we should probably say
“Let it be.”

~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

“As long as you are breathing,
there is more right with you
than there is wrong,
no matter how ill or
how hopeless you may feel.”

~ Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

 

*photo by w. holcombe at Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens.  all rights reserved.

BioCBD+ “Feel the Difference”

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness14 Comments

“I have been given BioCBD+ Total Body Care as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by the company. “

CBD bottle

Simply Google “CBD” and you will find a plethora of products, it seems as if a new product is added every day.  It can be daunting to the consumer to try to wade through all of these to find what works.  (unfortunately there’s a lot of junk out there).  One way I can help is to give you my experience with BioCBD+  (please see their website here)

BioCBD+ is an American company, located in Encinitas, CA, that sells CBD (cannabidiol) supplements. CBD is a non-psychoactive part of the cannabis sativa plant.  (you can read more about cannabidiol here.)  “BioCBD™ is derived from organically grown hemp plants, and it contains all of the synergistic cannabinoids, terpenoids, and other compounds of the original plant”(BioCBD website).  Since Sanjay Gupta’s documentary “WEED”, brought the awareness of CBD and how it can help people, especially a little girl named Charlotte, whow has epilepsy.  You can watch the video here.

What makes BioCBD+ different from their competitors?  “BioCBD™ is an all natural, water soluble source of CBD plus Ayurvedic herbs (magnesium and turmeric in Total Body Care) that is more bioavailable than any CBD hemp oil products on the market.” (BioCBD+ website)  According to their website BioCBD+ never uses artificial coloring or flavoring and their products are free of soy, nuts, GMOs, binding solutions and/or solvents, and  are the only all natural water soluble CBD made without the use of solvents or glycerides.  BioCBD+’s “CBD is extracted from our special variety of industrial hemp that contains naturally high concentrations of CBD. The result is a raw oil that is high in CBD, virtually free of THC (less than 0.03%,) and complete with a full spectrum of other cannabinoids and terpenes, which work synergistically to make CBD even more effective. The hemp oil is then shipped to our labs to converted into the all natural, water soluble BioCBD™ through our patented process”. (BioCBD+ website)

BioCBD+ is a pioneer in producing water soluble CBD.  This process posibly makes their product more of a value for the money.  You can watch their video about water soluble CBD here.

CBD bioavailable

I started my first bottle of BioCBD+ Total Body Care on July 31st.   After reading about the many things CBD is reported to help, I was looking for some pain relief and possibly some help with anxiety.

This was a good time to try the BioCBD+ Total Body Care as I hurt my back and started physical therapy just a few days before. Therefore, I was able to judge the efficacy (for mr) not only on chronic pain, but also on acute pain.

The suggested use, as, stated on the bottle, is: “Start with one capsule daily and increase up to 6 capsules per day.  When desired results are achieved gradually reduce daily amount”.  I started with 1 capsule and took one a day for a week, I didn’t really notice much of a difference.  I increased the amount to 2 capsules and I started noticing a reduction in pain.  Just a little.  I wasn’t sure if it was the placebo effect or not.  In 6 days I got in touch with the company and asked how fast I should be increasing my dose, he said after a couple of days; The bottle I was given had 30 capsules, so I was able to take one does of 3 capsules and I finished up the bottle with the 2 that were left.    This I noticed.  This helped my muscle spasms.  It took the edge off of all my pain, the acute back pain and the chronic arthritis pain in my neck  *note it wasn’t a miracle, it just made the pain more tolerable..  I also noticed I didn’t have as much wide spread pain (from fibromyalgia).   I admit, I didn’t really think it was doing very much, until I ran out.  Within a few days after I ran out, I was in much more pain and I had a panic attack.  I didn’t realize how much it was helping my anxiety.  I purchased more of the Total Body Care, so I could give a more detailed review.  (The second bottle, was not given to me, I bought it myself).  There was a break of about 2 weeks before the next bottle appeared. (It took me a,title while to order it)  I once again started with 1 capsule, but I’ve increased the dosage every 2 days, until I got to 4 capsules a day.  I have noticed a reduction in pain, and my anxiety is better.  However, I’m having increased vertigo.  I had increased vertigo when taking the first bottle, then it calmed down the week I was out of it, and increased again when I started taking it again.  As my normal readers will know, I have vertigo often due to Meniere’s Disease, but I had very little vertigo for the past 6 months, until I started  BioCBD+ Total Body Care.  Unless you have a condition that causes vertigo, I wouldn’t think this would be a problem.

1 Bottle of Total Body Care is $120, 2 Bottles is $220, and 3 bottles is $300.  Each bottle contains 30 capsules.   Signing up for auto-shipments can save you a lot of money There is also a sample size available for $45, it contains 15 capsules.

BioCBD+ also has a scholarship program.  They are a “for benefit” company.  For every bottle purchased they give a bottle away to someone in need.  If you have a financial and medical need, or know someone who does, check out this program.  +Scholarship – Buy 1, Change 2 Lives.

Another great thing they have is the “Feel the Difference”  Money Back Guarantee. When you order a product you have 30 days to try it.  If you don’t like it you can return it, you don’t even have to return the product of a 30 count bottle as long as the return is within 2 months of purchase.  If you buy more than 30 capsules, you will need to return the unused product to prevent fraud.

To purchase BioCBD+ Total Body Care (or other their other products)  just follow this link:

BioCBD+ kindly offered to give my readers a 10% discount on you first order.  All you have to do is enter PICNIC10 in the Coupon Code section.  How cool is that?

Additional Resources:

 

Mindfulness Monday – Hatred

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness, Mindfulness4 Comments

20170806_110406

“Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world.
By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased.
this is a law eternal.”

~ Buddha

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom,
I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind,
I’d still be in prison.”

~ Nelson Mandela

 

*photo by W. Holcombe.    Love everyone always.  xo

The Boot and The Back

On By WendyIn Chronic Illness13 Comments

Friday was a normal day.  I didn’t have a lot to do (bored).  I’d been sitting in my chair reading when I got up to let our dog out.  I got about a two feet and I ran into this:20170718_112901

again…..and did this

broken foot

happened…..again.

About 4, or was it 5, years ago, I tripped on my walker and broke my foot.  At least that time I was using it.  On Friday it was just sitting beside me.  I haven’t needed it lately, but I keep it close, just in case.  A little too close to my foot as it turns out.

It hurt, like it does when you stub your toe, I didn’t think it was broken.  It just didn’t hurt enough.   I had this discussion with another chronically ill friend and she said the same thing about when she broke her foot.  It really speaks volumes as to how differently we feel pain.

Stuart talked me in to going to Urgent Care to get it checked out since I’d broken it before,  and was told it would be easier to break again, I decided it’d probably be a good idea.  (I hate to say it, but knowing we have met our out of pocket maximum for the year, made it an easier decision.)  I hobbled in Urgent Care, got checked in and was seen right away.  I had an x-ray and the attending physician said my x-ray showed irregularities.  She couldn’t tell if what she was seeing was all from the last break or if it was a new break.   She thought it was broken, but a radiologist needed to read it to be certain.  I was sent home with The Boot, and the radiologist would call on Monday.  They did, and it is broken.

This time it’s not as bad as it was the first time.  I didn’t twist my ankle or anything like that.  I’ll be in the boot for 4 weeks instead of 12.   It’s hot and heavy, but it is taking good care of my broken foot, for that I love my boot.

On the other end, I started physical therapy (PT) for my back last week.  What’s wrong with my back you ask?  I’m not exactly sure.  I did fall, so I might have wrenched it then. (that was over a month ago).  I had severe akathisia (the need to keep moving) for over a month.  This caused me to constantly tense my muscles.   It’s possible, my back just never calmed down.   I also have arthritis in my neck, this is causing a lot of pain recently.  PT will hopefully help that as well.

So far, I feel like the PT has been aggravating my arthritis.  I discussed this with my physical therapist yesterday and he did a few things differently.  Hopefully, these changes will improve the pain and still help me get stronger.  If not, I know I can talk with him about it and we will work to make it better, to make me better.   I’m so impressed by this office.  Appointments are supposed to an hour long.  As most of us know, that normally means you are actually seen about 45 minutes, sometimes less.   My normal amount of time at this office is 1 hour 15 mins.  Yesterday I was there for an hour and a half.  I hope I get the results I’m looking for, it won’t be for lack of trying.

I’m happy to say that my migraines are still much, much better.  I’ve had a few, but nothing like I was.   I haven’t had a lot of vertigo.  This past week I’ve had a few times where I’ve had really fast spins that last for just a couple of seconds, or very slow movement that I can barely see (but it makes me very nauseous).  Overall, I’m feeling healthier than I have in years.  I don’t know how long this will last, so I’m trying hard to make the most of this time.

I made him cry. Bipolar Rage

On By WendyIn Bipolar, Chronic Illness18 Comments

Saturday was a day that I will always remember, some very good, some very, very bad.

We started the day running fun errands.  Going to the library, and then to Michaels.  I got a lovely gift card for my birthday.  Can we say…YARN!  🙂  Then we had a fabulous lunch at a restaurant that we’ve been wanting to try.  They focus on sustainable seafood.  I had grilled fish over greens with fresh pickled vegetables.  Then we shared homemade gelato for desert.  It was a divine meal to top off a lovely morning.

Then we got home.  Stuart was doing laundry (something I can’t do) and I noticed that he hadn’t treated a shirt that I asked him to.  I saw RED!  I flew into him.  I was so angry!!  I told him exactly where I was putting 2 shirts that needed to be treated and he was just disregarding what I asked and was going to ruin my clothes…..I have no idea all of the things I said.

headache 7
self portrait – w. holcombe

After HOURS of arguing, of me closing myself in the bedroom, then getting mad that he didn’t come after me…..over and over.  It was so bad.  I look  back on it and it is a whirlwind.  However, at the time I could not see that I was out of control.  I felt completely justified in how I behaved.  When for a moment I thought I was overreacting about a silly shirt.  (Both of these shirts are shirts I only wear around the house and to bed.  They could be stained, who would care.  However, even if it had been a $200 shirt, it would not have excused the way I acted.)  I blew up about the fact that I can’t do laundry.  How if I was doing laundry and he told me to treat something I wouldn’t have forgotten (yes, I was suddenly perfect!)  He just didn’t pay attention because he didn’t want to do it…..ect, ect.

Finally, it was 10pm and Stuart was trying to go to bed, but I wasn’t finished.   I was still all upset.  It would appear I was calming down now and then throughout all of this, but then it would come back full force.  That’s what happened at bed time.  I was getting ready for bed, then I fell apart, and started yelling again.  I then left him to the bed and said I would see him the next day.  Soon he came out and wanted to talk.  Fine.  Talk.  He was so confused.  He wanted to know what had changed.  He told me that I have been very defensive for the past few weeks.  I’ll be fine one moment then snapping at him for no reason.  He said I’ve been taking much of what he says in a negative way.  I just sat there and fumed.   He then broke down.  He wanted to know if he had changed, had he caused this change in me?   I made my husband cry.  At that moment, the rage lifted, I still felt it’s presence but I took a deep breath, calmed myself and came back to center.  Suddenly I felt relief.  Then I thought: “What have I done?”

It’s been a long time, I didn’t even recognize the signs.

Bipolar Rage

 

All this mess with my medication, well it appears I’m not on the right mix yet.

But do I blame all of this on medication?  Why did I not realize I was being more confrontational then usual?   Normally, I’m very aware of changes in my behavior.  I know when things are off,  I’m very proactive about it.  This time, I was blind sided.  All of my coping strategies out the window.  How can you incorporate coping strategies when you don’t see anything is wrong?

I’m much more aware now.   I’m doing a lot of deep breathing exercises and trying to meditate more.  Exercise would be good, but I’m not allowed to do that until my back gets better.  (I haven’t mentioned I hurt my back yet?  I’ll try and write that up soon)  I’m trying to stay in this moment and not beat myself up over what happened on Saturday, or what has been happening over the past few weeks.   Remembering to be gentle with myself.  And I’m pampering my husband as much as I can.  He needs to know that it isn’t him.  He needs to know that no matter how bad I act, I still love him and would NEVER hurt him on purpose.

 

Read more about Bipolar Rage:

Bipolar & Anger: Getting Control of Irritability and Outburst

Bipolar Disorder and Anger: Stuck on the Rage Road.

Bipolar Disorder Symptoms and Triggers  this gives a rundown of all the symptoms associated with Bipolar Disorder.  It’s not just mania and depression.