Kelly, over at Fly With Hope is doing an amazing series this week about migraine and suicide. (She also talks about how those with chronic illness, and chronic pain are in crisis.)
In her words:
“My goal is to decrease the stigma of the discussion of suicide so that we might be more supportive in the chronic Migraine/chronic pain community on this issue.”
“Please check in every day as there will be posts with (anonymous) contribution from the chronic Migraine and chronic pain community on topics related to chronic Migraine/chronic pain and suicide including how to cope when you are close to the end of your rope, personal stories from those who have been there, on suicide and faith, a post especially for loved ones (family, friends, caregivers) and links to other blogs/articles on Migraine and suicide.”
One of the contributors to this series is me. I don’t mind anyone knowing, and some of you may recognize that it’s me when you read it.
Please know, if you are ever in that state, if you ever feel like you just can’t cope….or even before you get there….Please feel free to get in touch with me. Email me! I will gladly give you my phone number and we can chat….or if I’m not hearing well, we can IM or text. Just know you are not alone.
I’m a firm believer that everyone with a chronic illness should have counseling. We need to be better equipped to deal with our situation. My husband and I see a therapist together. It has made this intolerable situation, much more …well…tolerable.
But if you need a friend to talk to…I’ll always be here. Many of you have touched my life in such a way I couldn’t begin to put words to it. After such warmth, love, and compassion from so many of you…I have promised to always be there for those who need me.
Again, please check out Kelly’s blog this week, this should be a very moving series. Kelly has chronic migraines, and Meniere’s.
Then, I thought…why not write about that….and some favorite tunes too. (even if I have a hard time hearing them right now.)
Over the past couple of years my hearing has dropped dramatically. What I can hear, even with my hearing aids, isn’t quite right. The biggest thing that I run into trouble with is music. It doesn’t sound like it’s supposed to. It’s tinny, and it’s just off. When I’m reading a blog, or something else on the internet and they have a video embedded, I can’t hear it. There is just so much, I can not hear. And it’s kind of sad. Yet times I hear the most beautiful sounds….a bird singing….that would be on my playlist.
Most of the music in my house is from my husband and I being silly. We have such songs that we sing as “Stinky Dog” (no it is not as bad as Smelly Cat from the sitcom Friends)…Oh and “Fat Dog”…really she isn’t fat, she used to be a little over weight, but there is this silly cartoon that used to be on called Cat Dog, and the song came from that. There are various Sandy and Max tunes that are made up daily.
Now for one of my deepest darkest secrets….I am a gassy person….and I make silly songs about it when Stuart picks on me. He never burps…oh he lets loose on the other end…but hardly ever burps…I belch! So we have the song…Burpin’ Wendy, walkin’ down the street….Burpin’ Wendy, don’t know if we want to meet…
Well you get the idea.
It makes us laugh…sometimes I laugh uncontrollably…that is the true joy of living with my husband, he can make me laugh until I wet my pants.
Other songs that make our house a home every day are silly songs from cartoons. I have to dance a Backyard Beach(you really should go to this link and hear this song…if nothing else, it will tell you loads about me.) by Phineas and Ferb. And just love the song...I’m Fabulous from the same series.
I also can’t keep still to I Like Move It from the movie Madagascar.
Then there are a couple of songs from my wedding that still touch my heart. (I’m sure they always will. If you are a regular reader to my blog, you may have already heard some of this.)
We walked down the aisle to Story Book Story (the theme song from The Princess Bride). Yes, we. I wanted our wedding to focus around us, and not just the bride, especially since I was 41 when we got married. We left the ceremony to the Linus and Lucy song, other wise know as the Peanuts theme.
And my most favorite song of all from our wedding, is the song my husband picked out for our first dance. The version we had was sung by the Bezlebubs, and acapella group. I couldn’t find it anywhere on the internet. So I decided to include the lyrics.
(I did not take this photo, but could not find who to credit it to...if you are out there...thank you.)
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
When you’re weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I’m on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I’ll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
He told me he picked this song because I was his bridge, and he always wanted to be mine. I can honestly say, after 7 years of marriage, I have walked that bride, over and over…and still it stands strong.
This is a link Phylor’s Playlist Playground. (I’ll add a link to the rest of the carnival when it comes out on the 7th. Be sure to check back at Phylor’s blog for a list of other’s who posted a playlist.)
I really over did it on Wednesday, it was a good day, but I’ve paid for it. Would I do it again? Yeah, probably, you never know if you’ll get a different outcome! Yesterday, I was sore all over and had a nagging headache. I did take some Diamox, but not a lot. I’m still a bit afraid of that stuff.
Blinding Headache (image, property of Wendy Holcombe)
Guess, I should’t be so afraid of it! Today, I woke up with a headache so severe I couldn’t stand up by myself. No matter what I took, it would not get better. I was super nauseous. This is the first time I’ve ever considered going to the hospital because of a headache. Usually, I think…if I just take a little more medication, and can fall asleep things will get better. Nope, not so much.
Finally, Stuart talked to Dr. Gray for the 3rd time today, and she said to prop me up, so my head and shoulders are raised. (she actually said for me to sit up first, but I was way to nauseous.) After sitting up about 20 – 30 mins, I started to feel so very much better. So my pressure had spiked again! I will have to stay on the Diamox a bit longer. I don’t like that. I’ve been struggling with low pressure cerebrospinal fluid for a long time, now I’m taking a drug to lower my pressure…crazy. I’m petrified I’ll end up taking too much and making myself have an attack because my pressure is too low. Plus, I really hate the side-effects. My hands and the heels of my feet tingle, and I feel really stupid. Everything, seems dull.
I don’t like it.
Tomorrow, is our 7th Anniversary. We had planned to go out for a romantic dinner…those plans may change. I think a Couch Picnic…as mentioned on Maureen’s blog, Sunshine and Chaos, may save the day. : )
I thought everyone would appreciate that the only damage we received from Irene, was that our wild flowers are now on the ground. I must say, these flowers have grown completely out of control. I just planted a bunch of mixed wild flower seeds in this area, they were supposed to range in height from 6″ – 24″. We have some that have passed 3 feet high, and are close to 4 feet. I guess I should say, they were…now they are leaning quite a bit, and covering our walk way. I’m so relieved that we have been spared both the tornado, and the hurricane that has come through out area in the past few months. (Did feel the earthquake, but we used to life in California, we just thought it was weird here.)
Now…on to the story of A Pretty Good Day:
Today I woke up and was excited because Stuart mentioned if I felt alright we would go to the grocery store.
Yes…that sounds sad, but getting out of the house…heck, getting out of bed isn’t something I’ve done in a while. As of last night, I’d been out of bed about 4-5 hours total since Aug. 22nd. 8 Days. Wow. (and those hours were spent on the couch.)
Well, I decided to take on much more than the grocery store, I wanted to go to Michael’s – the Arts and Crafts store. I had the desire for new art supplies, and a new sketch pad. Since I’ve been doing so much more art, I needed some new stuff. I got 2 sketch pads, one has 90 lb. stock paper (this means it’s very thick and you can use watercolor on it.) The other is just a sketch pad, about 50 -60 lb. Not sure exactly, I found it in the Bargain Bin at Barnes and Noble. So yes, I went to Michael’s, Barnes and Noble, Target, and Earth Fare. We even ate at Earth Fare’s hot bar (Earth Fare is like a local…well, NC based…Whole Foods.)
I got new pencils that are so cool. They are called Inktense by Derwent. They are like watercolor pencils, but they are ink based. Hard to describe, but you can draw with them just like colored pencils, then if you add water, the color gets vibrant, and very…well…I have to say it Intense. I’ll be posting a drawing I did with them on my other blog Create to Heal. If you are interested.
I feel like I easily walked a couple of miles today. I over did it. When we were walking around Target I know people thought I was drunk. I kept losing my balance, and my words were not coming out right. Stuart kept asking if I was alright, and I said I was….and I felt that since I understood I wasn’t quite right, then I was alright enough. I explained this to him, and he seemed to take it in stride. (remember, when he had his “episode” he thought he was fine, and he was…oh, so NOT.)
So great news today. Minor nagging headache, haven’t needed to take any Diamox (the drug that lowers your pressure, and has icky side effects). Off balance/disequilibrium a lot, but no spinning. My hip/back/and knees all hurt….oh and so do my feet. I’m sure the hip is going to yell at me tonight when I’m trying to sleep. I’m going to get in a hot bath very soon.
Yesterday I published a series of photographs that I manipulated to show the intensity of my headaches. I think some of you might like this: Translating My Headaches Into Images.
I’m sorry to see the summer coming to an end. At the beginning of this summer, I had such hope, so many plans….and no frigging idea I’d have to have 2 CSF procedures!! Well, look out Fall, because I’ve got a lot of making up to do!
After all the warnings from previous procedures that my pressure could spike afterward…and it didn’t…well, I thought it just wasn’t going to happen to me.
Ummm. WRONG!
My pressure spiked, and my head has been killing me. I’m taking Diamox to lower my pressure, and that scared the bejebez out of me. (No, I have no idea how to spell Bejebez but if you use phonics, it sounds right…doesn’t it?) Any way, I’m petrified that I’ll get my pressure too low, and start spinning and all of that mess.
I’m having the weirdest tinnitus in my left ear. Sounds like a rail road train, (sometimes), other times, it sounds like a very loud squeaky swing….and just all kids of things…but that’s not the weird part. It changes if I put my hand near my ear. If I touch around my ear, it gets louder! And if I hic-up (which I seem to do very often), it has a very loud DING-DONG. Driving me insane.
Think I may have taken too much Diamox yesterday (Dr. Gray was pretty vague on how much to take, take it until the headache stops. Up to 1500mg at one time…notice not in one day…but at one time.) Feeling kind of lost there, but since I couldn’t actually talk to her, well, Stuart doesn’t think to ask some things. But yesterday, the world was spinning, I was amazed I wasn’t throwing up. The world was really moving!!
My usual spot for the past week. Lots of love surrounding me.
I’ve spent the last 6 days in bed. Well,, I tried to get up to the couch a couple of times…so I was probably up for about 3 hours total.
I feel so helpless. Stuart usually has to help me get to the bathroom…even pull my pants down…how humiliating! And then the most humiliating thing…and I really thought I was better about this…is when he has to give me a suppository. I just feel so …. dependent…helpless…and just icky. When your husband sees you naked, it shouldn’t be to put medication up your butt! Or help you go to the bathroom! Yuck.
I feel like I have some terminal illness, and I’m just waiting to die. It reminds me so much about taking care of my mother when she was so sick. I know she never planned for her daughter to have to do private things for her.
And to top it all off, my hearing aid BROKE! For the second time!
You may remember this picture below when I was showing off my new hearing aids:
The one on the left, is the one that keeps breaking.
For the second time now, I was cleaning my hearing aid, just rubbing it gently with a tissue, and the little part that holds it in your hear, has snapped off. I’d only had the second hearing aid for about a week. I’m so ticked! I’m asking them to make me a new one out of the same stuff the right one is made from. It is a much sturdier material. The clear plastic, just cracks, like old dried up plastic does. It’s so strange. I’m getting a hearing test on Sept. 6th, and they will order the new hearing aid then. (I think they have to make a new mold for this type of insert.)
I think that’s all for today.
I did want to mention, If you liked seeing and hearing about how my art has been helping me through all of this, I started a new blog that just talks about that. It’s called Create To Heal . Come see me, let me know what you think. Join me in my journey. Create Art. Have Fun. Feel Better!
I mentioned in my last post that I’m dealing with some anger issues.
I’m not talking about getting a bit upset here and there, I’m talking about some deep seeded resentment. Something down in my gut that is just eating away at me. Perhaps that is a bit strong…but I wanted to make a point.
I’ve been snippy, grouchy, teary, snappy…. Oh, let’s just say it, I’ve been a bitch lately.
Not all the time, at times, I’m a perfectly likable me. Positive, light hearted, smiling, laughing… Then unexpectedly, something will hit me in just the wrong way, something that normally wouldn’t mean anything, and I want to explode.
Finally, I tried to take a step back from the situation. And ask myself, what are you REALLY mad at. I’ve come up with a few things, some I bet you have felt at times, others may just be me. I don’t like being like this. I try very hard to keep a positive attitude, to believe things will work out, to understand that even if they don’t, I will survive. No, not just survive, I will thrive!
It has been hard lately. Spending almost every minute lying down. Having horrific headaches, hearing things that aren’t there….well you all know what I’ve been going through.
And that my friends is what, I believe, I’m mad about!
I don’t want to sound petty, or ungrateful, or as if I don’t have hope. This is just anger. It may not be totally justified, and it’s not fair that I keep snapping at my husband, but it’s there, and I felt like I should discuss it. (perhaps giving it a voice will help it to go away.)
I’m MAD…
that I’m not cured. I know I kept saying that I understood that this was not a “cure”, that I know I still have Meniere’s Disease, and that I could handle it if my symptoms returned. That this procedure gave me hope, and I would cherish every moment I had as a “normal” person. (I’m not saying that those feelings have changed. I still feel that way….but I’m still angry that it’s happening…and I don’t like myself very much for saying that.)
that I thought this was over. I don’t feel that I was being as realistic as I should have been. I’m not sure I was being honest with myself. I knew the possibilities it could happen again, and I would need more treatment…but I don’t think it really sank in. I put those thoughts aside and thought about the future…for the first time in a long time.
that I don’t feel I can plan for the future any more.
that I’m scared.
that I can’t do things I need and want to do.
that my house needs to be cleaned.
that Stuart has to do everything, and I keep getting angry with him when things aren’t done. Or done the way I would do it. How can I get angry at him for this? Or am I really just angry because I can’t do it?
at my friends, who haven’t gotten in touch, who haven’t offered to help…the most I get from most is a quick note on facebook. I know this has been going on for a long time, I know that my friends have lives and responsibilities. I don’t blame them. But I’m still hurt, and angry. I don’t want them to feel bad. I don’t know what I want, or expect. I have 2 local friends who really keep in touch with me. 1 emails me often, 1 often chats with me on line. (and I know he would be over to see me more often if he wasn’t having troubles of his own right now.)
at my family. Who have never offered to help in any way. (I must put in here, that I didn’t expect it.)
when I read about others who have so much more help. Who have friends who bring them dinner, or family to come stay with them for a while, or someone to just sit with them. (again, don’t get me wrong, I am so very grateful for what I do have…especially my husband) But I am hurt, and disappointed that I don’t have more people who reach out. And I’m mad at myself for being jealous of those who do.
Oh, I’m certain I could go on and on, but I’m sure you understand by now.
This anger isn’t deserved. It’s not even real in some instances. I think it’s mostly about the situation. I don’t want to be in this situation, and it makes me mad. I don’t want my husband to be in this situation, and it makes me mad. I don’t want to have my life on hold, and it makes me mad.
I’m trying to write this objectively, and honestly…but I’m not sure those two things go together right now.
When I got so much better after my patches in January, I started to see my friends at gatherings and things. At first it was very hard. I was angry at them. It’s hard to explain. These people mean a lot to me, but I felt like they forgot me when I wasn’t able to do much. Most didn’t ask Stuart if he needed anything. Even when I would reach out and say exactly what I needed, I usually didn’t get it. (I’m not talking about big things here, I wanted contact, emails…anything) As I said before, I understand that people are busy, they have lives, and it’s hard to deal with a friend who has been having health problems for a long time, it’s not like it’s something that just goes away after a visit to the hospital, or one time bringing a caserole…this illness lasts…well, a life time. Finally, I was beginning to feel better about things. We would go to parties and I felt that I could mingle, and talk with people, and not feel that under current of anger. I don’t want to feel like that again.
I am overwhelmed by everything that is happening to me. In just the past 2 years my hearing has gone from some hearing loss in my right ear, to severe hearing loss in both ears. I just got hearing aids in March, and I can barely hear out of them now. When I don’t have my hearing aids in I can barely hear myself talk. I realized I was screaming at Stuart the other night because my throat started to hurt.
But at times, for short periods of time, I can hear better. So I don’t know what to do about the hearing aids if my hearing is fluctuating so much again. (I’ll see Dr. Kaylie next month, I’ll ask him then.) Of course, I’m hoping that after seeing Dr. Gray I will have some answers and my hearing will improve again.
This hearing thing makes me so mad! Partially because of losing my hearing…but not really…I think I’m handling that pretty well. But because having my hearing drop has always been a sign of a Meniere’s Vertigo Attack coming on. So now, I’m constantly on alert. I’m so jumpy, and jittery. Every time I move my head and get a bit off balance, I’m convinced I’ll be spinning soon. Or, I start to get used to it, and start to ignore it, like I did the other day…and I was almost hit with a full blown attack. (yesterday, was more of the same. Lot’s of mini-spins.)
I am trying very hard to deal with this anger.
Dang-it! I’ve had some crappy stuff happen lately, and I’m pissed!
I’m also trying to come to terms with it. To feel some of it and not bury it. Just writing this helps. Now I hope I can deal with it, and move beyond.
But, I’m also very grateful that if this was going to happen, it did it now. Before we brought a child in to our lives. I’m grateful, that I have good doctors who really care, and will do all they can to help me. (I just wish I could have gotten in to see them faster. – and yeah, I’m pissed about that too!) I’m more than grateful for my loving husband, and all that he does. I just wish I could help him more, or get him some help.
I also want you to know…ALL OF YOU…how very much you mean to me. How much your encouragement, and caring words have helped me through many a rotten day.
**I saw a post on Fly With Hope today, and I thought, “Yes!, that’s what I wanted to say!” http://flywithhope.blogspot.com/2011/08/less-bitter-more-thankful.html Thank’s Kelly, I needed to hear this. I’m feeling more thankful already. I promise I will not let this anger fester and become unrelenting bitterness.
I realize that it stems from the situation I’m in right now. But, that doesn’t help much.
I hate feeling angry.
So I decided to be very silly!
Purple nails with bright green polka dots!
One good thing about not being able to do anything for…has it been over a month now? Dang! Oh, back to the good thing, my finger nails look great! I mentioned this to a friend of mine, and he suggested purple polish….a few days later, I added Polka Dots!
Now, you know it makes you smile to think that a 48 year old woman has Purple Finger Nails, with Bright Green Polka Dots!
**Note – my husband said that it didn’t surprise him at all. Just as the orange hair didn’t surprise him. “It’s just you!” He also warned that if we ever are able to foster, that our child will think he or she has a really strange mom. I disagree, I think they will think I’m a really cool mom! (yeah, right…how many kids really think their parents are cool?)
This really started me thinking of how my “Happy Place” has changed over the years.
When I was a little girl I had a couple of “Happy Places”. One was my closet. It wasn’t a very big closet, but I loved to take everything out of the floor, and just play in there, I even remember camping out in my closet. On the same note I had a toy that was like this big tunnel tube, I loved it. Both of these places gave me a quiet place for me to go and think…or hide…and let my imagination run wild.
My tube was bright Green, with a design on it. But you get the idea.
My next “Happy Place” that I remember was my “tree house”…
This is a tree house palace compared to mine...but I loved it.
I “tree house” put that in quotes, because it was really just boards I nailed together as a makeshift ladder to get up in a tree, and a couple of boards wedged in the branches to sit on. But oh how I loved it…and the happy times I spent there. Again, a place I could go to think, hide, be by myself….and let my imagination run.
When I was a teenager, I had 2 “Happy Places”. One was right down the road from where we lived. There was a family who had horses. I used to sneak on their property and visit the horses. After a while, I started to brush them, and groom them….one day I was caught. Luckily, the family was very nice, and offered to let me ride any time I wanted as long as I continued to come and take such loving care of their horses. (What a deal! I was 14, and considered this my first job.) On the back of those horses, I felt free! Safe, and happy! I had a purpose…and I loved every minute of it.
Me, just a few years ago at Long Beach, CA. As you can see, still a Happy Place for me.
My other “Happy Place” when I was a teen…and I admit it is still a very Happy Place for me…is the beach. We used to live a little over an hour from the beach. When ever I was having a hard time, my mom would say, “Let’s go to the Beach today!” We’d take off, and spend the day at Huntington State Park (near, Myrtle Beach, SC). It was a bit secluded, we would take a picnic and just have the day together…and by the time we left, what ever was on my mind, what ever was troubling me…well my mom knew all about it, and always seem to make it better. The beach was our special place, and still whenever I get a chance to go to there, I can feel my mother’s presence. (Unfortunately, I can’t go as often as I used to.)
The Jockey - One of my paintings from college.
In college, my “Happy Place” was in the Art Studios at school. I was at peace there. I was in my element. A friend once told me that she loved art, but I ate, drank, and slept with it! It was my life…my how things have changed. I miss that girl. (I was excited last week when there was a Painting Category on Jeopardy, and I answered every question right! Perhaps I still know a thing or two?) When we bought our house, I planned for my art studio to be my Happy Place, but things just haven’t worked out that way. Hopefully, I’ll begin to feel it again soon, but for now, it’s mainly just a room that stores all my art supplies. It kind of makes me sad…all the potential…but still full of a lot of hope, and vision for the future. If you are a regular reader of this blog, you will know that I’m currently trying to find my artist within again. I’m sure she’s in there, look forward to meeting more of her soon.
This week I’ve been thinking about where I feel the happiest. Admittedly, I’ve been going through a rough patch, and a happy place can be a bit hard to find. So I thought…and thought…I remembered all my past happy places, but they just didn’t seem to fit now. Then I felt it…the warmth enveloped around me…and I knew I was in My Happy Place.
I keep thinking of posting, I have composed many wonderful posts in my head as I lie in bed waiting for sleep will come….but of course, I can’t remember any of it once I wake up.
I don’t know what’s wrong with the spacing on this post. I’m sorry it doesn’t have breaks for a lot of it. I put them in, but they didn’t show up.
**Fair warning** This post is a lot of stream of consciousness talking. Things that are on my mind. You are welcome to read part of it, or non of it, or all of it….what ever strikes your fancy. Just beware…I may ramble a bit.
My symptoms lately have been very strange. Perplexing, is a good word.
photo courtesy of scienceblogs.com (Migraines)
I’m very lucky, I am NOT having vertigo! But here’s what’s going on:
daily migraines – on a scale from 3 – 9 (one day was a 10 for about 10 – 15 mins, Stuart was ready to take me to the ER…but it subsided)
tinnitus going crazy – at times my tinnitus is so loud I swear a jet engine is taking off in my skull. Usually, it last a couple of hours, slowly returning to my normal hum. But days like yesterday….well, the EXTREMELY LOUD ROARING lasted for about 8 hours! For a few days every night it would start around 10:30 pm and last until about 3 or 4am…then I could finally sleep.
my hearing was better during the loud tinnitus – yeah, WTF? I put in my hearing aids and I could hear all the dings that sound when you first put them on – in BOTH ears. This only lasted a few hours. This is the second time this has happened. I’m glad because it shows me my hearing can improve in that ear, but it’s a bit much when it happens in conjunction with the roaring. It’s also very confusing.
fatigue – are you surprised by this one?
disequilibrium – No I’m not having vertigo, but I get so off-balance some times. I’m also getting that “woosh” feeling when I move my head too fast.
I keep feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack, but it doesn’t come.
Dr. Gray sent me an email that said she wanted to “test my pressure now!” But her scheduling secretary said the soonest I can get in is August 30th. He emailed me this, I emailed back and asked to be put on the cancellation list, telling him I only live a few minutes from Duke so it wouldn’t be a problem to get there in a hurry. He didn’t respond, just set up the August 30th, appointment.
I’m not sure Dr. Gray is aware of how long it’s going to be before I can get in there, I think I’ll drop her a line today. I hate to bother her, I know she’s a very busy lady…but I’m suffering here, and she did say she wanted to get this done “now!”.
Accomplishments: Despite my symptoms, I have been able to do a few things. (Yes, mostly stay flat on my back, because it seems the symptoms are less the more I stay horizontal.)
On Friday, I had a massage. Bliss. I was having a very bad day with the disequilibrium that day, but made it through. My massage therapist is a wonder, and very understanding about my conditions.
On Sunday, I went to the grocery story with Stuart, a whole hour and a half out of the house! I felt like crap, but it was nice to get out!
On Tuesday, I went to a Home Owners Association meeting. That didn’t go very well. I was glad I could go, but had to rush home afterward. The tinnitus got so loud while I was there I couldn’t tell the people were actually talking. (I could see their mouths opening, but could not hear the words. All I could hear was the rumbling.) Still glad I went.
On Wednesday, it was a very LOUD day, as I mentioned before. So most of the day was spent on the couch or in bed. But last night right before I went to bed, I felt better. So I cut up a bunch of tomatoes from our garden, and some shallots, also from our garden, with some garlic and had them in the crock pot (the pot part of it) in the refrigerator ready to turn on today to make spaghetti sauce. I’m using fresh herbs out of my garden, so I’m not adding those until it’s almost finished. (unfortunately, neither Stuart nor I got up at a reasonable time today, so we’ll be having spaghetti tomorrow.) Haven’t tried to have spaghetti since my Dietary Fructose Intolerance diagnosis, hope it goes well, I really miss it.
Today. Again, I’m mainly flat on my back, but I’m also doing laundry. So a bit of getting up and down, but it feels good to do it.
The Artist’s Way workshop…well, that isn’t going so well now. The farther I get into this book, the more I don’t agree with some of the things she suggest. Last week was supposed to be reading deprivation. That’s right. No reading for a whole week. Also no TV, or anything like that. Ummm, no reading? Well, that just isn’t going to happen with me. I love to read, and get a lot of inspiration from it. I just don’t get that one.
This book says you don’t need to be religious to follow the workshop. But it continually talks about God, and how your creativity comes from Him, and by opening yourself up to his gift you will find your inner muse. I don’t want to get into a talk about religion here. But, I’m not that religious. I’m not an atheist, but I’m not someone who believes I should turn everything over to God and it will work out. I think he would expect me to do things for myself. To work hard…. I could probably get in a whole big theological discussion here. But I’m not trying to. I can see where some people will be able to get a lot from this book. But I just don’t think it’s for me. I do enjoy the “morning pages”, and the Artist’s Dates. I will try to keep those up. I haven’t completely dropped the workshop…but I’m not as enthusiastic about it as I was when I started.
photo from weblo.com (I just thought this picture was really cool!)
I wish I knew of a different Creativity Workshop that wasn’t centered around God. I’ve searched and found some possibilities, but I don’t want to dish out the money on books that I don’t know enough about. I did find a couple at the library that I have ordered. We’ll see how that goes.
I guess I will have to change my that goal on my 101 things to do in 1001 days. Perhaps, instead of saying, complete the Artist’s Way Workshop, I will simply say, to complete a creativity workshop?
I think I’ll easily pass my goal of reading 100 books this year. (I made that goal on Jan. 1st). I’ve read about 15 in the past month. Funny, how much you can read when you can’t do much else. I’m proud to say that I haven’t just been reading popular fiction. I’ve been reading art books, self-help books, classics and I’ve even been reading a book about the history of the Free Masons. (that’s a really strange read) I’m slowly reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin, but it is quite a good book! I like to jump around from book to book, what I’m in the mood for at that moment.
Things that are on hold:
Of course having these symptoms have put a lot of things on hold. It makes me sad, but I’m hopeful I will be able to continue these in the near future. Including:
Becoming Foster Parents
Losing Weight
Exercising
Taking an ASL (American Sign Language) class. I planned to take an ASL class through a continuing education course at our local technical college, but it starts August 16th. If I can’t even get in to have my pressure checked before August 30th, I don’t think it’d be a good idea to start trying to take a class. I’m checking some things out at the library…we’ll see what I can learn on my own.
Gardening – The garden has been severely neglected. It’s time to start thinking about a fall crop, but that isn’t happening. Our summer crops didn’t do very well. As I think I’ve said before, we’re learning, and this year we have learned a lot about what NOT to do.
Some art projects I have started, and some I have planned.
Some things I want to do to the house. I’m amazed at how fast our house can get out of order once I’m disabled. This house is just too big for us. Especially when Stuart has to do everything alone. (more on this later.)
Almost everything except staying flat on my back….ugh!
Coming soon: Some of those wonderful posts I’ve been thinking up….Anger – what are you really mad at?…..Finding my Happy Place….
The headaches have gotten worse. The tinnitus is mind-boggling.
image from Google images, not sure where the original is from.
Dr. Gray wants to test my pressure again. If it’s low I’ll be getting another myelogram to look for new leaks. If it’s high, I’ll probably be put on medication for a while, it may just be taking my body a while to get used to the higher pressure after patching the leaks.
I’m so tired. And tired of just lying around. Staying horizontal is helpful, so that’s what I’ve been doing most of the time.
Keeping a journal. I can now go in with dated material saying how I felt each day. This is thanks to the “morning pages” I’ve been writing for the Artist’s Way workshop. I write about much more, but of course, my health is in the forefront of my thoughts right now, so I’m writing a lot about that. Now I’m just going to go through my journal, and make a condensed diary of my symptoms. I should have been doing this all along, but I hate it. I don’t like to think about my symptoms on a daily basis. They seem worse when I actually sit down and think about it.
I’m still trying to get my Day Zero list completed. I’ve completed 3 things, and have 10 in progress. Anyone else out there have a list of goals they are trying to complete? I’m finding this very motivating. I bought a Living Social offer for a local Art Class! And we bought one for Swing Dance Lessons! Yes the dance lessons will have to wait for a little while, but the offer doesn’t expire for 6 months. I’m confident we’ll be able to do it before then! I’ve been looking at the classes that are offered at Happymess (the place the offer is for), I’m hoping to learn how to Batik, or perhaps I’ll do a figure drawing class, or even a still life?? So much to do, so little time….just 978 days left, and 98 more things to complete.
Picnic with Ants 