My dear readers, I wanted you all to understand my absence over the next week or so, unfortunately after a long illness my father died last night. During this immediate time of mourning I will not be posting.
In Mourning
Mindfulness Monday – 4
“Whether we are basically healthy at the moment or have a terminal illness, none of us knows how long we have to live. Life only unfolds in moments. The healing power of mindfulness lies in living each of those moments as fully as we can, accepting it as it is as we open to what comes next—in the next moment of now.”
― Jon Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living (Revised Edition): Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness
What’s it like to have a Cochlear Implant?
I got my first cochlear implant (CI) in July of 2011, and my second in September of 2013. When I was going through that time I wrote some about it but I’ve never talked about what it’s like to live with my cochlear implants (CIs). A friend of mine asked me a few questions about it recently. I’m here today to answer some of those questions.
What exactly is a Cochlear Implant? – To put it simply, a Cochlear Implant is an electronic device that can help provide a sense of sound to someone who is deaf or severely hard of hearing. Let me see if I can explain this in my own words. There is a part that is on the outside of the head that consist of a microphone a processor and a transmitter. There is part that is on the inside that is the stimulator and the electrode array. Sound comes into the microphone and goes through the speech processor to the transmitter (the microphone and processor are the parts around the ear, the transmitter is the part that is on the outside of the head – it is held on by a magnet connecting it to the receiver/stimulator). The stimulator is in my head, between the skin and the skull. When the sound comes in to the stimulator it is then sent to the electrode array it then send impulses to the auditory nerves. For a better explanation please go here. (you can see the microphone, processor and transmitter on me in the photo at the top of the post – yes mine are orange -, and in the second photo below)
Why did you get cochlear implants? – I lost my hearing due to Meniere’s Disease. My hearing loss happened fairly quickly. I was diagnosed bilateral in November of 2009. In 2010 I got hearing aids, within 3 months of having my hearing aids I couldn’t understand anything out of my left ear. That sent me on the tract to getting my first CI. (July 2011) By the time I received my first CI, the hearing in my right ear deteriorated to the point that my hearing aid no longer worked. It took a little while, but I soon got my second CI.(September 2013) Why did I get cochlear implants? because that was the only way I would be able to “hear” anything.
How does a cochlear implant work? – I’m going to quote this straight from the National Institute of Deafness and other Communication Disorders site. “A cochlear implant is very different from a hearing aid. Hearing aids amplify sounds so they may be detected by damaged ears. Cochlear implants bypass damaged portions of the ear and directly stimulate the auditory nerve. Signals generated by the implant are sent by way of the auditory nerve to the brain, which recognizes the signals as sound.”
Do you hear the same with a cochlear implant as a you do with normal hearing? – No. Some people can understand words and sounds immediately, other people can only hear clicks and whistles. It is a completely different way of hearing and your brain has to be retrained. When I was first activated I could understand a lot of words from the start, but everyone sounded like they had been sucking on helium. A lot of Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse voices were around. Soon my brain started to remember what certain sounds sound like and I started hearing things the way I used to, for the most part. When I hear something I’ve never heard before things can sound very odd. Sometimes when I meet a new person their voice will get that cartoon sound until I get used to them. The longer you use your CIs the better you hear with them, so 10 years from now I should hear better than I do now.
Do you now hear like everyone else? or is it odd? What is your hearing like now? – This is the big question isn’t it? What is my hearing like now? First I’ll tell you about challenges I have that a lot of people with CIs have, then I’ll tell you about my personal challenges.
I often can’t hear when someone speaks behind me. If there is noise in the room I have a very hard time hearing. (the newer CI’s are better for this, even though I have a newer CI I still have a hard time) In groups it is very hard to keep up with what everyone is saying. I am much better at conversing one on one. I find I it is much easier for me if the person is facing me so I can read their lips while they are talking to me. Between the two of those I do pretty well, but put me in a crowded room, and I’m lost. Heck, put me in a room with more than one person and I can get pretty lost.
I think I might be able to hear better if I had more practice, I’m not sure. Most of the time I only talk with Stuart. I talk to my doctors. I talk with our roommate, but I have a very hard time understanding him. His voice is deep and I simply cannot understand most of what he says. It makes things difficult, and sad. But for the most part I don’t see anyone else. Since we moved I haven’t met many new people, it’s hard to get used to groups and hearing other people when I don’t have the opportunity. However, it’s also really hard to put myself out there in those situations because I get so lost and confused. It does make meeting new people even more challenging.
Unlike most people with cochlear implants my hearing fluctuates. Some people with Meniere’s who get CI’s end up still having fluctuating hearing. Normally this happens when we have vertigo, our hearing will change and we need to get our CI’s adjusted. My hearing doesn’t fluctuate just when I have a vertigo attack it happens every day.
Let me tell you what an average day for me is like. I’ll get up and put on my cochlear implants, at first it takes me a little bit to get used to suddenly hearing sound. Everything sounds a bit loud. Then things will normally calm down and my hearing is stable for a few hours, but every evening my hearing will change. It’s hard to explain what it sounds like, it gets hollow sounding and can sound way too loud. I’m always telling Stuart to please be quieter. Sometimes my hearing will change throughout the day. I will often say, “I’m having a bad hearing day.” I’m thrilled when I can say I’m having a good hearing day.
When I take my CI’s off the world changes. Suddenly the only thing I can hear is my tinnitus. (When I have my CI’s on the sound of the outside world helps me to not notice my tinnitus as much.)
I don’t know sign language. I am working on learning some, but I haven’t been able to take a class. At times Stuart and I can only communicate by me reading his lips and the little bit of sign language we know.
What is a challenge you wouldn’t normally think about? – This one is easy, having the headpiece suddenly fly off because I got too close to something metal. I have a bracelet that I wear sometimes and if I put my arm up around my head the CI headpiece (the transmitter) will jump off and stick to it. It’s kind of funny, kind of annoying. Other times when I want to lie down the headpiece won’t stay on. This is annoying, especially when I’m sick. I deal with vertigo better when I can hear what is going on around me since I can’t focus on anything, but during an attack I need to lie down, this often knocks my CI off and I can’t hear anything out of one ear.
Does it hurt? – Well the surgery hurt, but it wasn’t so bad. It is actually an out-patient surgery. Does it hurt on a day-to-day basis? Not really. If the magnets that are holding the headpiece to my head are too strong it hurts, but then I can change that. I have screws that are very close to the surface right behind my ears. One ear is worse than the other. Most people don’t have this problem, normally when it heals fat and cartilage form around the screws and you don’t notice them, for me the screw is right up against the skin. Sometimes this hurts. Sometimes my processor and glasses will rub on them. My sun glass arms are thicker than my daily glasses and they will cause that area to hurt. If I can lie down on it, it hurts a bit. Other than that, no it doesn’t hurt. If I didn’t have the screw issue I really wouldn’t even notice I have them on.
Now I just have to share the funniest thing I’ve misheard due to my hearing loss– Once I asked Stuart what Jesus was other than seen as a prophet and son of God. The answer I heard was, “Jesus was Jimmy Buffett” I busted out laughing. “Whaaat? Jesus was Jimmy Buffett??” What Stuart actually said was, “Jesus was a Jewish Carpenter.” I still get the giggles when I think about Jesus being Jimmy Buffett!
Mindfulness Monday – 3
“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing”
– John Kabat-Zinn
Stress and 12 Ways To Cope With It.
Recently I’ve been feeling pretty sick. Having vertigo regularly and having migraines daily again is taking a toll on me.
The stress in my life has increased significantly and “chronic stress has a significant effect on the immune system that ultimately manifest an illness.” (Mohd. Razali Salleh 2008) I don’t know how many doctors have told me that I need to control my stress. Unfortunately, that is much easier said than done.
Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. We have major things that cause stress, like someone close to us dying, or being diagnosed with a chronic illness. We have little things that cause stress, like a traffic jam or being late for an appointment. We even have stress from good things in our life, like moving into a nicer home, or having a baby. Every moment of stress can cause havoc on our health. Chronic stress is caused more by the big things, the things that don’t just go away, but the little things can build up and be “the straw the broke the camels back”.
In mid April we moved from this a tiny little duplex that I felt very uncomfortable in to a larger house with a beautiful backyard. This relieved one huge bad stressor on me and created a new happy stressor, but a stressor none the less. It has been 2 months since we’ve been in this house and we still aren’t settled in, this causes me a lot of stress because I know if I was not sick, this would not be the case.
At the beginning of May we had a friend move in. Someone who is going to be helping us out and we are hopefully going to be helping him out. No matter how smoothly this move-in was, no matter how much we all love each other, no matter how good the situation will be, it has caused stress. Suddenly I have someone else in my home and I’m not used to that. I’m not used to people seeing me sick. I haven’t been around many people at all for the past few years and suddenly there is someone living with me. I’m not used to sharing my space with anyone other than Stuart. This has caused a huge amount of stress. It’s unintentional, I didn’t expect it, and I’m sure it will ease, but right now it’s there.
My father’s health is declining. He lives over 3 hours from me. I can’t just jump in the car and go see him. I can’t spend this precious time with him. I can’t help care for him. I can’t help my sister. About the only thing I can do is give my sister encouragement. I can text her and listen. That isn’t real help and It breaks my heart. The guilt is overwhelming, so is the stress. This is the first time since I stopped driving that is has caused me such anguish. I know even if I could drive I’m not well enough to care for someone who is ill, and I’m feeling guilty about that too. Guilt is a huge stressor.
Of course, the fact that I’ve been sicker is a major stressor too. A huge Catch-22 huh?
What can we do to reduce the effects of stress? Well there are a few things, many of which are hard to remember when you are in the throws of being sick. However, there are things I try to do, they include:
- Meditate: I usually use guided meditations, there are a lot of apps out there to help you with this, and you can find many of YouTube. There are different guided meditations that help with different things. I often do the body scan meditation, I’m so used to this one I can do it without the aid of a guide. You simply focus on a part of your body, I start with my feet, and move on throughout the body paying attention to what each part is saying. Don’t judge, and don’t worry about doing anything, relax into it if you can, but mainly just note it and move on. For each part really pay attention. For example, right now as I focus on my feet I notice my toes are a bit chilly, my heals are pressing into the floor, an old ankle injury is causing a little bit of pain, but nothing that should concern me; I’ll stay here for just a bit to see if there is anything more I need to pay attention to, then I’ll move on to my calves. For some people this can be uncomfortable, getting in touch with their body can bring back repressed memories, be aware of this and take care of yourself accordingly. This is just one example of a meditation I often do, there are many, feel free to practice this any way you feel comfortable.
- Deep Breathing: This is pretty simple but can be a great stress reliever. Simply stop and focus on your breathing. Put your hand on your belly and feel the breath fill up your abdomen and then go out. Do this for about 5 minutes, or just take a few deep breaths when you need and carry on. I find this very cleansing.
- Some me time: Find time just for yourself. I take a hot bath with Epsom salts and sometimes candles. It’s a me time. Some people are not comfortable with this, if it isn’t for you, don’t do it. See if you can find something that is just for you that you consider self care. Paint your nails, put lotion on your feet, have a nice cup of tea …. these are all things that I like to do, find your special thing.
- Stay in the moment: When we are under a lot of stress it’s easy to build things up in your mind about how bad things are going to continue to be. Stop and try to focus on this moment. The future hasn’t been written yet, things will never stay the same. When I’m having a vertigo attack I try hard to stay in that moment. It’s a rough moment sometimes, but I know it will end. I can deal with anything for a moment. I wrote a whole post about that, Living In This Moment.
- Bitch: I don’t mean to wallow in your misfortune, but reach out to someone you trust and just let it all out. Maybe get some advice. I hold things in way too much so, I feel better when I talk to a friend and just let it go. I have a good friend who never judges and gives great advice, sometimes I even take it. 🙂
- Exercise: This one is really tough for some of us. It’s very tough for me. However, the release of endorphins when you exercise will make you feel better. I try to do stretches, and walk as much as I can. Don’t let it stress you out if you can’t do this, I often can’t, just do what you can, doing something good for ourselves makes us feel better.
- Eat Well: Again, doing something good for ourselves makes us feel better. When I’m under a lot of stress I often binge eat. I crave sweets and I’m literally hungry way more often…like all the time. I’m trying hard to munch on things that are good for me. When I do this I feel better about myself. When I give in and eat a lot of junk, I get even more stressed out.
- Laugh: How can you feel stress when you are laughing? Watch a funny movie. Read a funny book. Play. I play with my dog, she always makes me laugh. My husband often makes me laugh too. Laughter has really saved me a number of times. I have been spiraling into a deep depression, but finding things to laugh about helps.
- Listen to Music: I can’t do this one because a lot of music sounds weird to me since I got my cochlear implants, however music can soothe your soul. Just lay back and turn on some tunes. Listen to relaxing tunes to calm down, peppy tunes to help you get moving, happy tunes to make you smile. Music can melt stress away. (My husband and I often sing out loud and make up silly songs, this makes me laugh. I’ll also hum to calm myself. So even though I can’t hear music it is a big part of my life.)
- Create: Write, paint, draw, color….do anything that gets your creative juices flowing. When you get really involved in creating it can produce the same positive effects that meditation can.
- Have sex: Perhaps a little Too Munch Information here, but I feel it’s worth a mention. Having sex, talk about an endorphin release! Not only does sex release endorphins it makes us feel close and secure in our relationship. The feelings that are released during sex can be a great stress reliever. (masturbating can be very releasing too)
- Be Grateful: When we stop and take note of the things we are grateful for instead of focusing on the things that are going wrong it can be very cathartic. Sometimes you may feel you have nothing to be grateful for, but we all do. Chances are if you are reading this you don’t live in a war-torn country, you have a safe place to live, you have enough food to eat, clean running water…. We take so many things for granted, but we have so many things to be grateful for, take a moment, step back, and think about things you are grateful for. I try to list 3 good things every day. 3 things I’m grateful for. You may find this practice very helpful too.
How do you handle stress? Any suggestions for me and others?
I admit when I’m under a lot of stress I have a hard time implementing my stress relieving techniques, but just sitting here listing them makes me realize that I have ways to help myself and it has given me the incentive to get busy and try more of them.
If you enjoyed this post feel free to share it, and be sure to subscribe or follow so you won’t miss a post.
Mindfulness Monday – Henry Miller
“The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.”
-Henry Miller
(photo taken by me in my front yard. For me, paying attention to the little things makes the world seem much less overwhelming)
Mindfulness Monday
I’ve decided to do something a little different. Every Monday I’m going to try to share a mindfulness quote along with a photo, drawing or other creation of mine. I hope you enjoy. If you’d like to join me in posting on Mindfulness Mondays, I’ll be happy to link to your blog so others can view your Mindful Quote and feel inspired.
“Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don’t even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child – our own two eyes. All is a miracle”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
My Story – Being Bipolar
On this the last day of Mental Health Awareness Month I’ve decided to tell a little about me. I have a story. I feel it needs to be told. If for no one else, this is for me. (This is the very condensed PG version.)
Something was wrong. I didn’t know what it was, but I was wrong. I was wrong inside. I didn’t react to things the way other people did. I knew it. I could see how other people were different. I was always told to be myself. But I just wanted to be like everyone else, I didn’t understand what it meant be “myself”. I spent days in tears feeling like I had this black cloud over me. At a very young age I longed for my life to end. Other days I was flying high. I could not control my thoughts from going everywhere, I could not control my actions, I could only follow them. This wall all considered a natural part of growing up. I was just a moody child, then a hormonal pre-teen, a troubled teen…. I look back and don’t know how I, or the people closest to me, survived. There are many stories from this time that are very hard to tell. They may come out at a different time.
My ups and downs carried on for years, and years, and years…. the older I got the worse it was. After all when you get older your actions have many more consequences. However, when the moods were swinging to either end, those consequences simply didn’t exist in my mind. On the down swings I was fighting for my life, literally. On the up swings I couldn’t rationalize things. I couldn’t see beyond the emotions.
After a failed suicide attempt at 25, I finally started getting some mental health treatment. I was told I suffered from Manic Depression, and was put on Lithium and an antidepressant and started seeing a therapist. Maybe if I had just been able to stay the course that I was originally put on life would have been different, but things changed.
I was re-diagnosed a number of times. Things changed so much over the next few years it was a constant battle of up and down trying so hard to get a grasp on reality. The biggest mistake that was made, I was told that I did not have a mental illness, I had hypoglycemia and the fluctuating blood sugar levels were causing my mood swings. I was so relieved that I didn’t have a mental illness. I was normal like everyone else. I simply had to watch my diet and everything would be alright. I believed this for years and tried so hard to control everything with my diet. If things got out of control, I would beat myself up for not following my diet strictly enough.
People couldn’t see just how bad I was because I was still able to hold down a job, even if I changed jobs frequently, I seemed normal, I was just “moody”. I went through friends like water. Friends I made when I was manic, couldn’t stand the depressive side, and friends I made when I was depressed, didn’t understand the up me. Friends I made when I was in my normal state couldn’t understand my swings and they simply disappeared.
I had a job, but I also had a lot of debt. I lost days. There are huge gaps in my memory. I’ve met people while I was in a normal state and had no recollection of meeting them before. I didn’t remember men I obviously knew very well. I did drugs. I stayed up for days. Risky behavior? There were no thoughts of the risk. Nothing could hurt me. And if it did, so what? In both states there was not much thought about my own safety.
Then the day came when the depression took hold so tightly I held a razor to my wrist and started to slice. I just made the most cursory of cuts, deciding exactly the way I should do this, how deep did I have to go, how much would it hurt, how long would it take….then suddenly I thought….The Mess. There will be such a mess and my roommate will find it. Someone will have to clean up the mess. That thought saved my life. That thought gave me enough pause to call a suicide hotline. I would not tell them where I lived but I promised to go to the out patient center of the mental health department and talk. I drove there, and when I got there I talked and told what happened that night. I could not promise I would not harm myself if I left. I honestly don’t know if I could have or not, but I knew I needed someone to help me. I needed to know for sure that I could get through the next day. I knew if I said I would not be a threat to myself or others then I would not get the help I desperately needed.
Since I was not able to say I would not harm myself I was not allowed to leave, I was told I as going to be admitted to a mental health facility. I admit I actually felt a relief. I suddenly felt safe, at least for the night.
The police came and took me to the hospital. I was entered as a non-voluntary admission. That is the only way my insurance would pay for this, but I had insurance now, this was what got me into this facility instead of the state hospital. I had no idea the amount of debt I was about to get into. I needed help, that is all I thought about. I no longer cared what people thought of me, I no longer cared if this would follow me forever, I only wanted to lie down and never wake up. I knew these thoughts had to stop, I knew if something didn’t change I would end my life, soon.
(If you would like to know more about my stay in the mental hospital please see my post: Inequality in the Mental Health System.) The stay in the mental hospital changed my life forever. I was there longer than I thought I would be. The little overnight stay turned into two weeks, but when I left I was in the mental health care system. I had group sessions set up, I had an appointment with a new psychiatrist and therapist. I had a new lease on life. With another wrong diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder.
Soon after starting to see my new psychiatrist it was then determined that I do indeed have Bipolar I disorder. I started being treated with Lithium and other medications again and things finally started to get on track.
It took some time to get the medication just right. It took a lot of time in therapy. It takes a lot of work to get things right and get better. It takes a lot of work to keep struggling through the system. It takes a lot of work to help yourself when there doesn’t seem to be an out.
I’m a lucky one. I was able to find help. I was able to get a correct diagnosis. I was able to get a treatment plant that worked. I’m still able to get the help I need, when I need it. So may people are not as lucky as I am.
There are many obstacles in getting mental health care. I fought hard to get where I am today. I still fight hard to ensure my mental health is a priority. I will never give up.
Too many people are fighting for mental health care and have so many obstacles in their way. If you are one of these people, please don’t give up. Reach out. In my experience, things don’t always go smoothly, but getting help meant my life is so much better than my life was before.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline If you are in crisis please call. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Mental Health Alliance (This site has a lot of useful information, including help getting care without health insurance.)
National Institute of Mental Health
Seeking Mental Health Care: Taking the First, Scary Step (this is a very useful article from Psych Central)
Mental Health Care Awareness Month is closing, but we should always be aware and working to obtain equal and affordable mental health care for everyone without stigma.
The Last Straw
I don’t often reblog other posts, but I think this is a very timely post that will hopefully reach some people who need this right now. Yes, I’m one of them.
The Last Straw (that broke the camel’s back): The final, additional, small burden that makes the entirety of one’s difficulties unbearable.
Isn’t it interesting that there are so many idioms and colloquial expressions that mean “I’m done”?
The straw that broke the camel’s back (1816)
The last feather breaks the horses back (1829)
The final straw
Hitting a brick wall
Hanging up one’s gloves
The final stroke
I’m sure there are others. I’ve had a heck of a month. No worries – I actually thrive under (some) pressure. However, once in a while each one of us is simply not going to be able to take ONE MORE THING. That ONE MORE THING is often inconsequential and “small” in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps that is why we are so frustrated for breaking under what seems like a “small” thing.
This morning I was stepping off the porch when…
View original post 956 more words
Depression, it’s not just being sad.
Recently someone asked me to write a post on what I felt depression was like. Funny thing, I had just read a post over at Bipolar BarbieQ that included that very thing, I think everyone could get a lot from her post I’m the Queen of Run-on’s it is an honest gut wrenching post and I wish all of you would read it. (yes this is the second time I’ve shared this post, I really like it.) She also had this really cool graph in her post, so I’m going to steal it.
Most people think that Depression means you are Sad. Even Webster’s Thesaurus will say that Depression and Sadness are synonyms. Well yeah, you are sad when you are depressed, but there is so much more, so very much more.
When someone says they are depressed, that means they are sad, when someone says they have depression, this is a mental illness. When you look up the definition of Depression you get both answers, “(1) : a state of feeling sad : (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
I think feelings of Depression can vary from person to person. Profound Depression is all-consuming. You don’t just feel sad, it consumes you. You have difficulty doing anything else because your feelings are so torn up. It spirals down to the depths of your soul and you are trying your best to claw your way out. Depression can also have states of severe anxiety mixed in, feelings of paranoia, feelings of suicide. When you are just sad, you don’t have all of these other emotions consuming you. With depression you often just feel numb most of the time. Nothing can bring you out of that darkness. You find joy in absolutely nothing.
The definition above mentions “difficulty in thinking and concentration”…yes we can click that off my list. “A significant increase or decrease in appetite”…oh I eat, I want comfort food, or anything that might make it in my mouth sometimes. I’ve actually envied people who lose their appetite when they are depressed. “Time spent sleeping”…now this one is tricky. Sometimes I sleep a lot, sometimes I can’t sleep at all. Normally, I have a very hard time sleeping when I’m very depressed. “Feelings of dejection and hopelessness” YES! That is the overwhelming feeling that I have, HOPELESSNESS. “Sometimes suicidal tendencies”..this depends on just how deep my depression gets. Normally I am not suicidal but I’ll wish I wouldn’t wake up. I’m just so tired and hopeless, I don’t want to have to deal with it anymore.
Something they don’t mention, I cry, a lot. I’m an emotional person anyway, but when I’m depressed I cry every day, many times a day. Not just a few tears, I sob.
There are other feelings that get all mixed up when I feel depressed. I feel very guilty. What right to I have to feel depressed when there are so many tragedies in the world? What am I putting my husband and friends through when I’m like this? Why does it keep coming back, it must be me?
I get angry. Angry at me, angry at everything. I try not to speak to people because the thoughts in my mind are so snide. Why can’t they get it? Why can’t they do things the way they should? Yes, in my mind everything needs to go the way I think it should, then I’d be happier. I want to control, everything. I think that’s because I feel so out of control. I lash out. Some of this must be someone else’s fault, if I can find out who then I will have to feel better. I feel so alone. I try to isolate myself from other people so I won’t hurt them, even though being alone is the worst thing I could do. I never said I was being logical.
When depression takes hold of me I used to believe it would never end. Now I know it will and that helps me get through it. It makes me seek help. I keep telling myself, “This will end. This will end.”
I do not just have Clinical Depression, I have Bipolar I disorder. That means that, unless I’m stable, I will have severe manic states and depressive states. As I said, I used to think when I was depressed that nothing could pull me out of it, but then I’d be okay for a while and couldn’t believe I ever thought that way. Then I’d go manic and think that nothing could harm me. After a manic swing, I couldn’t believe I ever felt that way. I’m lucky that I’ve been mostly stable for a long time now. I will have break through depression sometimes and need my medication adjusted. My new psychiatrist told me that often when people get older they have fewer manic swings but battle depression more. That’s why he prescribed a drug that is for Bipolar Depression, and it seems to be working well.
If you are having any symptoms of depression please seek out professional help. It doesn’t just go away. Psych Central lists the first steps to getting help, and a list of professionals in your area. You can find this information here. Where To Get Help For Depression.
If you are having suicidal thoughts please call
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273-8255
Picnic with Ants 