*Content warning: This post discusses suicide and depression.
A friend of mine shared this on Facebook and I had to share it with you.
Why “I love you” and “Please reach out” are the crappiest things to post after someone has died by suicide – by Deanna Zandt
I have been one of those people with good intentions who have simply said the wrong things, and for that, I’m deeply sorry. I have been there, yet I still don’t know what to say when a friend is in their darkest moments. I need to always remember, I didn’t want to die because I didn’t feel loved, I simply wanted the pain to stop. It helped me to have someone sit with me, hold my hand, and simply be a witness to my pain. It helped me to know that they would help if they could, but that they didn’t try to force this false help on me. I know these things, but it’s very hard to do these things for someone from afar. I can’t simply sit with someone when they are in pain if I can’t be physically with them. Often, when I reach out to someone through texts, or messages, I don’t know what to say after that initial contact. Silence is unacceptable when you are texting. I want them to know that I care, and I simply want to be there for them. I know I can’t fix it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
I also read another article I found interesting: Depression and Suicide: Being mindful and accepting of the pain of the dark days – by Jack C. Surguy M.A.
Jack Surguy mentions something that I found helpful for me; by accepting that everything changes I can take solace in knowing that these feelings will not last forever. (even if they feel like they will) When I’m am suffering I know that it will end, that is actually my mantra when my emotions are all out of wack, “this will end”. I guess it’s a variation on “this too shall pass”, but that sounds trite to me for some reason. I promise no matter what you are going through right now, good, bad or indifferent, it will change.
I hope you find both of these articles interesting and possibly helpful.
Right now my wrist is killing me, so I need to stop typing, but after the deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, I felt I needed to talk about this, I want to do better. I want my friends (you) to know I love them, that I care, and that I respect their pain. I want them to know this every day, not just times like these.
* photo by W. Holcombe. A red yucca plant viewed while lying down looking at the sky. I found it stunning.
2 thoughts on “I want to be a better friend to those who are in pain.”
I was suicidal when I was young after being raped. (Why women think and are often told it’s their fault or are not believed–is tragic.) The most important thing is–things will change. Change is one thing we can count on. Most people hate change. But when you are deep in that dark night of the soul you need change…you need time…you need a different perspective. Not easy.
What’s really hard with chronic illness or even aging is you get afraid that even the change is just going to be worse. Acceptance can feel like defeat when it is not. Appreciating and being grateful for this day–this very moment…looking for light is not easy…but it is salvation.
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Wonderfully said Rita. It took me hours to write this post and you summed it up nicely in this comment, I hope it didn’t take you hours to write…lol. Thank you.
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