It’s really happening….life is changing fast.

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” ~ Buddha

Okay so I started this a number of times and just can’t get my words to come out right, so I’m going to try the mindful writing for this post and see how it goes.  What you are about to read will be written with my eyes closed and I’ll be taking a deep breath after each sentence….let’s see how it goes.

Okay, so deep. deep breath.  In.  Out.  Breathe.  I must take time to do that more often.  The simple act of stopping and breathing with intention has helped to calm my mind and open my awareness.  How wonderful that such a small action can do so much.  It is amazing to me.  Again.  Breathe.  In…. Out…..  calm.

Now let’s see if I can write what’s on my mind.

We will be leaving for Tucson in a couple of weeks.  Stuart starts his new job there on June 11th.  Everything has been falling into place.  Well, kinda, sorta.  Enough has fallen into place that it all feels right.  This feels like we are making the best decision for all.

A couple of weeks ago Stuart went for a job interview in Tucson, while there he also looked at houses for us to rent.  Not only was he offered the job, but he found a little house for us to rent while our house sells and we start looking for a house to buy out there.  As I said, it all seems to be falling into place.

Suddenly I was hit with the fact that we’d be leaving in about a month and I may not ever see many of the people on this coast again.  I’m being realistic here, not pessimistic.  We don’t travel much, I don’t travel well, and a lot of my family is getting older.  I scrambled to try to make planes to see everyone.  We tried to make plans, but first Stuart got sick with a cold, then I caught it, and my cold turned into a cough and an ear infection.  I’ve been running a fever for a week.  I just started on antibiotics, and I’m hopeful I’ll be all better before we leave, but it caused a lot of trouble.  Between both of us getting sick and people on vacation, I’m only going to be able to see a select few.  I was devastated.  It really got to me.  My anxiety got very high and I was just so sad.  Then I started telling myself I needed to just let it go.  No regrets.  I can only do what I can do, if I can’t see everyone I just need to let it go.  I’ll keep in touch the best I can.  All anyone can do is their best.  So, I let it go.  It is the way it is.  I accept it and I’m okay with it.

Then there’s the worry about the move itself.  I did start to get all worked up about it all, then again, I started using my new mantra.  “Let it go”  Deep breath…. in and…. out.  It’s all good.  I will take each day as it comes and deal with it at that time, I will not worry about what may be, that only causes more anxiety and I need to let that go.

I was feeling really good about things.  Letting go of what I couldn’t change, accepting each day as it comes, and taking care of things that I needed to take care of.  (like getting all my records from doctors, getting all my prescriptions filled, looking for new doctors, taking Kiki to the vet and getting her ready for the trip….so much to do, and I’ve been getting it done)  My therapist even mentioned how well I was dealing with all the change and how mindfulness has become so ingrained in me.  I admit, I was feeling pretty good about it all.

Then the bottom fell out.  I expected to get to Tucson before Stuart’s step mom’s Alzheimer’s advanced too much.  She didn’t know who Stuart was when he was there, but that didn’t surprise me too much, she’s really only met him in person once…well a few times over a 5 month period when we stayed in Tucson one winter, but not other than that.  She knows Stuart’s dad, and see seems happy.  But this week, due to side effects, they had to take her off the medication that helps slow the progression of her disease.  They expect her to decline rapidly now.  Dad doesn’t know how much longer she will know him.  It breaks my heart.  and it scares me.  I’ve never been around anyone who has Alzheimer’s.  I don’t know what to expect, especially if it is so advanced.  I’m afraid I won’t handle it well.  I just want to make things easier for Dad.  If that just means washing his clothes and stuff, that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll help the best I can.  That’s all I can do.  M is in the best place she could be for this, and I’m sure they will help me know how to deal with the situation.  I’m also reading as much as I can to learn more about it.  Frankly, that disease scares me.  The thought of not remembering my husband, that rips my heart out.  What would be worse, watching Stuart go through it.  It just makes me sad.  I’m working on being okay with the way things are.  Accepting that I can’t change it, and simply being okay with it.  Yes I think I said that before.  I also got news that I can’t really talk about on here, but it has stressed me out!!  Getting to the place of acceptance on this is going to be harder.   No, I can accept that it’s happening, I’m just not sure what that will mean and how it will affect me, more so, how it will affect Stuart and Dad.  Stuart’s not worried about it, he’s annoyed by it, but not worried.  So why am I?  I have to accept this, and be okay with it.  This will take a lot of deep breaths.  Sometimes my husband puts his head in the sand about things.  I hope that isn’t the case with this.  I know it will all be as it will be, and I’ll deal with things as they come up.  I will try my best not to worry about what may be.  One moment at a time.

Well I think I’m done for today.  I’ve spilled a lot out, but I’ve been vague enough that you are probably wondering… “what on earth?”

 

 

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12 thoughts on “It’s really happening….life is changing fast.

  1. Love your attitude of “let it go” and acceptance. Breathing in and out can be reassuring, calming and restorative. I’m happy so many of the important things fell into place for you and Stuart. There are always things that are out of our control but, as you know, it’s how we react to the stresses and you’re doing a wonderful job, even with both of you getting sick. I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to see as many people as you wanted and hope you will be able to stay in touch.

    Here’s to a safe journey to Tucson and that any stressors are mild and few and that the annoyances turn out to be mild annoyances.

    Much love to you and Stuart on this next stage of your journey and gentle hugs for Stuart’s dad and m for the journey they are now taking. It’s so wonderful that things worked out so that you could be together for each other.

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  2. Actually sounds wonderful and like it will all be good. There’s nothing whatsoever you can do about someone having Alzheimers but accept what is, so that’s a big place to let go for sure. Breathe!! So happy for you guys. 🙂 🙂

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  3. Wen, just be kind, meaning just be you. People with Ahlziemer’s are fearful, but not of a smiling beautiful lady (who you are) that just wants to chat about things… their favorite color, book, or the best meal at the facility. I used to put hand cream on my grandma’s hands… she didn’t know who I was but she loved having hand cream put on. Give Stuart extra attention. He is probably more worried about his Dad than anything else… you be you and everyone else can come visit. They know where you will be living. I’m gonna visit! Someday… xoxo

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  4. Good Morning Wendy – just read your email – congratulations on the move to Tucson!! I’m sorry to hear about Margaret – my ex-mother in law had Alzheimer’s- for me it was very hard to see the family go through it. They did put her in a home because it was to hard for the family to handle. She got very mean. They go thru a thing called sun downers and get very hard to handle them at night. I hope John is doing OK with this. Does Sherry still live in Tucson – I have not talked to a John for some time. Maybe when you both get there a settled in I can plan a trip to see you all.
    Is John getting any help from Margaret’s family? John is the one you need to check on – it seems that the caretaker is the one that it effected the most. So with that being said take care of John and your self and Stuart- please keep me updated on your move. Love always Zia Dot

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  5. Wendy – that is a ton of change swirling around you. The only thing I know is that you have been through holy hell in your life many times and you have always come out wiser and stronger. I have faith that this move and all the circumstances surrounding it will prove that out also.

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  6. Just keep breathing. “ana’laigh” ~ Gaelic for breathe. I have it tattooed on my left forearm to remind me. Keep breathing, do the next thing. You’re gonna do awesome things! ❤

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  7. That’s why so many refer to it as a “cruel” disease, because it truly is. The thought of forgetting, of my brain changing in those ways, scares me too. I’m just so sorry, and I can see why you feel the way you do and also how Stuart may be more frustrated than saddened at the moment. You’ve had a lot going on and more change still to come. I think that moving sounds fantastic and things will fall in to place eventually, just hang in there…  ♥
    Caz xx

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