It’s really happening….life is changing fast.

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” ~ Buddha

Okay so I started this a number of times and just can’t get my words to come out right, so I’m going to try the mindful writing for this post and see how it goes.  What you are about to read will be written with my eyes closed and I’ll be taking a deep breath after each sentence….let’s see how it goes.

Okay, so deep. deep breath.  In.  Out.  Breathe.  I must take time to do that more often.  The simple act of stopping and breathing with intention has helped to calm my mind and open my awareness.  How wonderful that such a small action can do so much.  It is amazing to me.  Again.  Breathe.  In…. Out…..  calm.

Now let’s see if I can write what’s on my mind.

We will be leaving for Tucson in a couple of weeks.  Stuart starts his new job there on June 11th.  Everything has been falling into place.  Well, kinda, sorta.  Enough has fallen into place that it all feels right.  This feels like we are making the best decision for all.

A couple of weeks ago Stuart went for a job interview in Tucson, while there he also looked at houses for us to rent.  Not only was he offered the job, but he found a little house for us to rent while our house sells and we start looking for a house to buy out there.  As I said, it all seems to be falling into place.

Suddenly I was hit with the fact that we’d be leaving in about a month and I may not ever see many of the people on this coast again.  I’m being realistic here, not pessimistic.  We don’t travel much, I don’t travel well, and a lot of my family is getting older.  I scrambled to try to make planes to see everyone.  We tried to make plans, but first Stuart got sick with a cold, then I caught it, and my cold turned into a cough and an ear infection.  I’ve been running a fever for a week.  I just started on antibiotics, and I’m hopeful I’ll be all better before we leave, but it caused a lot of trouble.  Between both of us getting sick and people on vacation, I’m only going to be able to see a select few.  I was devastated.  It really got to me.  My anxiety got very high and I was just so sad.  Then I started telling myself I needed to just let it go.  No regrets.  I can only do what I can do, if I can’t see everyone I just need to let it go.  I’ll keep in touch the best I can.  All anyone can do is their best.  So, I let it go.  It is the way it is.  I accept it and I’m okay with it.

Then there’s the worry about the move itself.  I did start to get all worked up about it all, then again, I started using my new mantra.  “Let it go”  Deep breath…. in and…. out.  It’s all good.  I will take each day as it comes and deal with it at that time, I will not worry about what may be, that only causes more anxiety and I need to let that go.

I was feeling really good about things.  Letting go of what I couldn’t change, accepting each day as it comes, and taking care of things that I needed to take care of.  (like getting all my records from doctors, getting all my prescriptions filled, looking for new doctors, taking Kiki to the vet and getting her ready for the trip….so much to do, and I’ve been getting it done)  My therapist even mentioned how well I was dealing with all the change and how mindfulness has become so ingrained in me.  I admit, I was feeling pretty good about it all.

Then the bottom fell out.  I expected to get to Tucson before Stuart’s step mom’s Alzheimer’s advanced too much.  She didn’t know who Stuart was when he was there, but that didn’t surprise me too much, she’s really only met him in person once…well a few times over a 5 month period when we stayed in Tucson one winter, but not other than that.  She knows Stuart’s dad, and see seems happy.  But this week, due to side effects, they had to take her off the medication that helps slow the progression of her disease.  They expect her to decline rapidly now.  Dad doesn’t know how much longer she will know him.  It breaks my heart.  and it scares me.  I’ve never been around anyone who has Alzheimer’s.  I don’t know what to expect, especially if it is so advanced.  I’m afraid I won’t handle it well.  I just want to make things easier for Dad.  If that just means washing his clothes and stuff, that’s what I’ll do.  I’ll help the best I can.  That’s all I can do.  M is in the best place she could be for this, and I’m sure they will help me know how to deal with the situation.  I’m also reading as much as I can to learn more about it.  Frankly, that disease scares me.  The thought of not remembering my husband, that rips my heart out.  What would be worse, watching Stuart go through it.  It just makes me sad.  I’m working on being okay with the way things are.  Accepting that I can’t change it, and simply being okay with it.  Yes I think I said that before.  I also got news that I can’t really talk about on here, but it has stressed me out!!  Getting to the place of acceptance on this is going to be harder.   No, I can accept that it’s happening, I’m just not sure what that will mean and how it will affect me, more so, how it will affect Stuart and Dad.  Stuart’s not worried about it, he’s annoyed by it, but not worried.  So why am I?  I have to accept this, and be okay with it.  This will take a lot of deep breaths.  Sometimes my husband puts his head in the sand about things.  I hope that isn’t the case with this.  I know it will all be as it will be, and I’ll deal with things as they come up.  I will try my best not to worry about what may be.  One moment at a time.

Well I think I’m done for today.  I’ve spilled a lot out, but I’ve been vague enough that you are probably wondering… “what on earth?”

 

 

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Gratitudes in the middle of a mess

It’s time to take a little time to notice some of the things I’m grateful for…before I completely meltdown (again)…I know this will help!

This move has been extremely challenging, mentally and physically.  I am very grateful that I (and I am serious here) am not curled up in a corner crying and trying to hide from the world.  I’m also grateful that I am still able to get out of bed and accomplish some things.  Yes, I am in a lot of pain but, I’m still doing much more than I have in years.  I am so VERY GRATEFUL for this.  I told Stuart last night, I just can’t believe I started feeling better (no not well, but a bit better) right before all of this happened.  Wow!  If I was still like I was just a few months ago now.  This move would have been…..uh, well I just don’t want to think about it.

I’m grateful I sold almost all of my fused glass supplies.  I have only 2 things left and they should be very easy to sell!  Because of this we didn’t have to move any of that!  Yay!!!  Also, because of this I was able to buy our living room furniture.  This made me feel so good.  I was able to contribute to the household.  This is the first time I have been able to do this in YEARS!  (We had to by new living room furniture because the furniture from out old place was too big.)  This is a loan to the house though, as soon as we can pay it back that money goes in my service dog fund.)

I’m very grateful that I met the nicest lady when I sold my fused glass supplies and she actually sold my kiln for me!  How cool is that?

I’m grateful that our new place has a beautiful backyard.

I’m grateful that we live within walking distance to a grocery store and other little shops.  I hope it really is within MY walking distance.  If not now, soon.

I’m grateful there is a park nearby.

I’m grateful Stuart works very close.

I’m grateful we found a restaurant that will make meals that meet my food requirements, and it isn’t far away.  Plus, the very first time we went we got the best waitress, she is the bomb!  We’ve been there one more time and asked for her, she remembered what I needed and helped me order!  Wow!

I’m very grateful I’m still losing weight.  It feels so good to be getting in to smaller clothes and seeing a smaller face in the mirror.  I’m grateful that the diet is making me feel so much better!  What you eat really can make such a HUGE difference in how you feel!

I’m grateful I have the coolest cousin in the world living close by!  Can’t wait to see him and his brood this week!  And it’s so nice we can call on each other!  He’s real family!  If your reading this, I love you man!!!

I’m grateful things are coming together……wait, did I just say that?  do I believe it?  Am I just saying it or do I believe it?  hmmm, let me think.  (Jeopardy them playing in my head…)   I’m not sure.   One thing will happen and it looks like things are flowing along then one thing will happen and things just start going backward…but I know things will end up…the way it’s supposed to be, after all how else could it be?

And yes, I do mean that.

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mediawebapps.com

I’m grateful I wrote this post, because I needed it.  I needed to remind myself that things are going happen.  They are going to be the way they are, no matter what.  I keep trying to bend things the way I want them, I keep fighting to make things happen faster than they are going to, and well, I needed to remind myself…..it’s going to happen, or it’s not, and that’s OK.

Yesterday is gone, I can’t worry about what happened, tomorrow isn’t here yet can’t do anything about it.  So today I’ll do what I can, and that’s it, if something comes up and makes it so things get in the way I’m going to go with the flow and not get all out of sorts.   Just breathe.   It will get done, or it won’t, maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  I’m so very grateful I realize that.

Today’s meltdown averted…..maybe I should have written this yesterday.

 

Moving Day…kinda sorta

moving-day

We left all of this stuff behind!!                                                     found this cute clip on wanderingbohemian.blogspot.com

I wish I had been writing short little post all along, because now I really have no idea where to begin.

This has been so very, very, very hard.  Yet in many ways it has been so very liberating.  Liberating because I feel I am being unburdened by so many things that I do not need.  How did I get so much stuff?  When I met my husband I lived in a studio apartment.  Where did it all come from?  And truthfully, for just me, I had too much stuff then!  Getting rid of all of this clutter is freeing.  I keep thinking, for the past few years I have lived without even thinking about this stuff why do I need to have it around me now?  There are some sentimental things I’m having a hard time parting with, and I’m holding on to some of those.  I think I’ll have a second ‘cleansing’ later.

Then there have been so many other very hard parts.

Physically.  Physically, I just couldn’t do as much as I wanted.  As much as I felt I needed to do.  I got so sick.  All the dust and stress, and just everything caused me to have major symptoms.  My breathing.  I had the hardest time breathing on many days.  Twice while I was sorting through things I realized I was confused, once I was giddy, I got up and couldn’t walk straight.  I got out of the room and each time Stuart saw me and helped me to the couch.  Then I started coughing.  I’d cough up a lot of mucus and need my inhaler and a nebulizer treatment.  I was not getting enough oxygen.  I wasn’t wheezing yet, so I didn’t even realize it, but my lungs were filling up with mucus.   This whole situation, has really opened my eyes as to just how little I understand about my lung issues.  I’ve had to cancel many appointments with my lung doctor because of vertigo, and now my doctor is finishing her residency with Duke so I would be seeing a new doctor, so I’m going to start looking for a new doctor in Charlotte as soon as hubby’s new insurance kicks in.  I’ll post more on that when I see the new doctor, I don’t want to say more about it until I get more information.  For now I’ll say, I’m keeping a closer eye on how I’m feeling, how I’m breathing, and how it’s all going together.

The breathing difficulties made it very hard for me to help as much as I felt I needed to.  Yes, I do mean needed to, because no one else could say if my stuff was to go to the new place or not.  And we did not have the luxury of just packing it all and deciding what to keep later.  We are moving from a 2300 sq ft home to a 700 sq ft home.  Things had to be trimmed!  So I tried wearing a mask, it worked somewhat, but it made me less air flow, this made me feel like I couldn’t breathe….maybe I’m a bit claustrophobic?  Maybe a little, but I wear that mask out all the time with no problem, but I’m not exerting myself.  I guess that’s what was making it difficult, or perhaps I was just already so irritated.

Then the headaches were getting bad.  Maybe because of the breathing issues, maybe because of the stress, maybe because of all of the above….or the weather, or ……my head was / is hurting.

I was having more vertigo.

The last 5 days at the house I spent most of 4 of them in bed.  Talk about GUILT!   However, I got a lot done from the bed.  Stuart would bring me things to go through in bed.  Not sure that really helped me much physically, but mentally it helped.

I have not been doing well with my Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction studies.  I think if I had been doing them longer I would have been able to deal with this better, but nope, I didn’t deal well.  Kind of went right out of my brain.  I’d try every now and then….and then I’d just look around at my completely torn up house and think….how on earth are we going to do this?  and FREAK OUT!

Well, things got done, as much as they could.

Movers came today…..Oh that’s a story.   The relocation movers.  Couldn’t come until today, the 17th.  Are giving us a FOUR DAY WINDOW to deliver.  That means delivery could happen on the 21st!  That’s the day Stuart was supposed to start work!  Ummm…..this is the relocation company that Stuart’s company uses.  So, luckily his boss is very understanding and he is going to start work on the 28th.  Phew!

Can I just say, moving under the best of circumstances is not easy.

Downsizing like we are makes it more difficult…..even if you want to do it.

Having very little to no help makes it extremely difficult!

Having a chronic illness on top of all of that can make it pure hell.

My saving grace, as always, having a spouse who is willing to go that extra mile to make it as comfortable for me as possible.

That’s why, today is moving day….and I’m sitting in a hotel room with Max the many toed cat.   We didn’t need a freaked out cat there while the movers were doing their thing, and I didn’t need to be there with more breathing irritants and getting more stressed.   (ahhh…deeeeeep breath!!!!)

I’ve been a bit scared that this whole thing is going to make me go back a bit….meaning, I’m going to end up back having daily migraines, tinnitus, pain, vertigo…  Not being able to do much at all.  I have been doing so much better.  suddenly, I have been really scared…..

Then I thought.  That’s tomorrow.  I have no control over tomorrow.  My worry isn’t going to change it.   I can only continue to do what I know to do, and if I feel good, great, if I don’t, I’ll reevaluate.  I’ll just live in the moment.  That’s all I have.  And right now, this moment is pretty good.

Hubby should be here soon.  Max is dreaming kitty dreams.  I see kudzu taking over the fence outside my window.  It’s a normal day in “The South”.

 

Job, moving, packing, and spilled spoons

 

spoons by w. holcombe

spoons by w. holcombe

This will be a very quick post….I just don’t have time!  And I’m spilling spoons all over the place……..

I realized how long it has been since I have posted or read anyone’s blog posts and thought….my people will think I have died!  Or they will think I have run away and am dancing with the natives on a semi-deserted island!

I’m happy and sorry to disappoint, but both are wrong.

Many things have happened….and I will not be able to tell you them all here.

Here are the highlights:

  1. Stuart was offered a job in Charlotte, NC….about 3 hours from where we live now.  This is a great job.  We are so grateful!
  2. We had to go look for a place to live in Charlotte, NC.
  3. We spent 4 exhausting days looking for suitable place to live in Charlotte, NC   (a suitable place, must be 1 story….I can no longer do stairs. Walker should fit in bathroom. Preferably 2 bedrooms. A very narrow price range due to the fact that we will still be paying a mortgage until we sell our house ….plus double utilities, ect.,)
  4. We returned home, not knowing if we had found a place to live, even though we changed some of our must list. (walker did not have to fit in bathroom, could have 1 or 2 steps to enter. Would accept 1 bedroom.)
  5. After being home for 2 days we found out we had the duplex we really did like!  It did not meet all of our preferred requirements, but we can live with it.  My walker will not fit in the bathroom…but I’m used to that.  It does fit in every other room.  There are 2 bedrooms!  There are 2 steps to enter the home, but the landlord is going to put in a railing.  I can deal with that too!  It’s in a great place, and it ‘s just what we need.  Yay!  (dancing a little jig!)
  6. Our new place is about 1/4 the size of our house.   Yes, we meant to get a place that was much smaller than the place we live now.  We want to downsize and minimize.  It will make things much easier on both of us.  However, the next couple of weeks things will not be easier!
  7. Stuart starts work on July 20th.  We want to move in about a week or so before then.  However, that means we want to have the things we want to keep in the new place.  That doesn’t mean we will have all the things we no longer want out of our old place.  We plan to have that taken care of by the end of the month and put the house on the market next month.  Whew!

So……I’ve used up all of my spoons every day.

some days I haven’t had any spoons when I wake up in the morning.  One day I had no spoons to even make it out of bed.

Today I got up and started to do a go through things and suddenly I picked up something that was my mother’s and spilled all my spoons all over the floor!   I had been surrounded  by dusty things and my asthma was starting to tickle…I had planned to go get my inhaler, then I picked up my mother’s things….and CRASH spoons everywhere!!!……suddenly I couldn’t  breathe!    eehheheheheeeeeswwwhwhwhwhwwwwwwwwwhwhwhwweeezzz   Stuart was upstairs, I’m crying and can’t take a breath….eehehewwwhwhwheeehwwheeeezzzzz   I picked up something and threw it trying to make a noise….luckily he was coming down stairs and saw me and grabbed my inhaler….I got was able to get a breath and then I had a nebulizer treatment.  I could breathe again….but Stuart had this huge guilt trip….”What if I wasn’t here?  What is going to happen when I go to work?”

Then I had a guilt trip….but…”Ummmm. when you aren’t here I have my emergency kit next to me.  This was my fault I should have had my inhaler with me.”   and I’m thinking….please stop I feel bad enough……

But he is getting all worked up, it’s been so long since he worked out of the house…..then I started feeling more guilty…..and suddenly i feel like a little kid being scolded for not taking care of myself.

yep….Spoons all over the place!!!  some I’m sure are coming from tomorrow”s reserve.

(no worries, you know we got it all straight, emotions calmed down and communication started working…….we work well together….but we are both out of spoons today!)

if anyone is reading this and doesn’t understand my reference to spoons please refer to this link:  The Spoon Theory