I’m having one of those days that I don’t usually talk about.
Normally, I talk about having Meniere’s Disease. I don’t talk much about my other chronic conditions.
Today, PMDD has taken hold and is screaming at me. It tries to scream at me a lot, but I try so very hard to keep it under control.
For those who don’t know PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. To see a list of the symptoms here’s a link to an article on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder To sum it up in a very short and nowhere near complete explanation. PMDD is like having very severe PMS from the time of ovulation until after your period starts. So I have about one week a month that I feel ok.
If you read the symptoms you may recognize a few things that I say about myself. Some I just don’t talk about. I just read over the list again, and I have pretty much every symptom on that page.
This month has been especially difficult. One reason, we haven’t been able to find a medication that helps me very much with this, and I don’t want to start a new drug while all the Meniere’s stuff is happening. How would I know if it’s side effects from the meds or Meniere’s symptoms.
I don’t know if being Bi-Polar makes having PMDD worse, or more likely, or what; but it scares me. The emotional upheaval caused by PMDD can make me feel like I’m having Bi-Polar symptoms, and I sure don’t want to go back there.
Today I started my period, over a week and a half early. Very bad cramps, and I want to throw something, just to hear it break!
As you all know, if you’ve ever read my blog before, my husband is a dear sweet man, but today, I don’t want him anywhere near me. He tries to comfort me…and I just cringe. I feel like screaming, “Don’t touch me!!” So far I haven’t, but I have let him know, today is not the best day.
I was trying to do some art work. Thought it might calm me down. As I’m drawing I realize just how guilty I feel about EVERYTHING! It overwhelms me. Then all of a sudden, I just don’t care. I don’t care if I get better. I don’t care if I get worse. I don’t care if I eat, or if I eat right. Stuart asked me something, many times today for some reason, and all I could think was…I just don’t care. What ever.
I feel very apathetic.
I can’t help but feel part of this is also because of everything else that’s going wrong in my life right now. All the treatments for the Meniere’s that just don’t seem to be working. Stuart losing his job, and everything that means. Me feeling so much worse….
Then this.
But you know, I just don’t care. Tomorrow I probably will. But today. Not so much. Sometimes I think I talk a good game. I try to be very strong and positive. And sometimes I wonder how much of it’s true and how much I’m trying to convince myself. The power of positive thinking and all that. Yeah…not today. Today it would just take too much energy to care.
oh, and my head hurts again. Oh joy. *yes there is a lot of sarcasm intended there.*
This is not a pity party, this is a I just don’t give a crap any more party.
Picnic with Ants 
I had undiagnosed PMDD (I called it PMS from hell back in those days) from my first cycle at age 12 until my mid-30s when my ovaries were removed. After weeks of yuckiness, of course, there would be severe cramps, etc.
Because my cycles were so bad — you’re right, about 1 week a month symptom free — after the surgery, I only took a course of progesterone (my ugly pill) every 3 months or so. (Also to slow down the development of endometriosis — (spelling). I did that for several years, eventually opting just to take estrogen rather than have what was undoubtedly PMDD, not PMS from hell. In 2004, I stopped taking estrogen. Not that menopause doesn’t have a lot of it’s own side effects and downsides, but at least I don’t have those cycles from the depths of hell any more.
I wish a (((((hug))))) would make things better, but at least I can say I sure do understand (I’ve dealt with chronic depression (perhaps bipolar, too) all my life and having PMDD made it much worse.
Tomorrow you might care again, or you may not. But living with PMDD does really screw up one’s emotional well-being. Hang in there.
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Phylor, thank you. I don’t normally talk about this. It was more under control when I was on the pill, and I’m thinking of going back on it. I pretty much stopped having a period on the pill, and thought I was well into menopause. So why not try. But, my period has come back with a vengeance. And I feel the PMS from hell a lot more. My emotions are all over the place. At first when I went off the pill my headaches seemed to actually get better, now they are so bad…think I’m getting in touch with my GYN today. It’s crazy for me to go through all of this when I can at least lessen the symptoms. I just wanted my body to do what was natural for a while at least. *sigh* Unfortunately, what is natural is not what is best for me.
I’m sorry you can relate. And have had to go through so much yourself. thank you again for understanding and giving me some words of encouragement. {{hugs}} to you…they are helping more today.
wendy
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Hi,
Are you doing better today? Sending some I-can’t-relate-I-just-want-you-better hugs. I understand wanting the body to do what is natural, but adding peri-menopause into the mix will have to be something else to consider if you talk with your GYN. The pill may be something that helps you right now.
And, you know, that positive thinking feel-good stuff can go fly a kite some days or go be feel-goody with someone else. I really wish I was a business-minded person so I could see if this was viable because Yelp says the business is already closed. http://money.cnn.com/2008/09/17/smallbusiness/smash_shack.smb/index.htm I saw a story about this years ago where it was being done in Japan. Maybe if you live in a densely populated area it might work or you offer other things or partner with another business.
But, still. The thought of getting your frustrations out in a way many people want to and someone else cleans up the mess. Brilliant.
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Maureen, Better today. Migraines are back, but the “I’m going to kill the next person who speaks to me” feeling is gone.
I have been in touch with my GYN, and going back on the pill. This is ridiculous for me to try to go through this when I can get help. With everything else going on, I need to pay attention to what my body is saying, and I can’t do that while it’s screaming, “I hate you and everyone in the world!!” “I just don’t care!”
Love the Smash Shack, too bad it went out of business. It would have been pretty expensive if I went day before yesterday. I’d probably have knocked over a whole shelf full of stuff…yes, just to hear it break! : ) Luckily, I’ve only given in to that impulse a few times. Usually if I throw stuff it’s not breakable. But once I threw a glass at a guys head. (still sorry it missed, don’t miss him!) Yeah, I had issues.
thanks for the business idea. wendy
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