I Want It Now!…but I’m still Stinky…

I Hate it when I can’t do something for myself!!

I HATE it when I want something…like food…and I’m brushed off…oh I’ll get it in a little bit.  Then, he offers,  “how about a (insert something tasteless that I’ve had every day for a week here)?”  “NO!  I’d like some REAL FOOD.” (sometimes I’ll even suggest something…”ummm, that’s so hard, and I’m tired.”  Damn…the I’m Tired Card.  That makes me feel guilty EVERY TIME.

But today,  something tasty was discussed, pizza, or Chinese….Chris decides he’s going to make Chicken soup….hummmm…I – do – not -want –  Chicken soup.  I’ve had that a couple of times this week….  “Oh it’s just to make sure the chicken won’t go bad, we will be getting something else…something good.”  “OK.”, I said dubiously.  “What do you want?”  I said to ask Penelope, I’m good with either the Chinese or pizza….secretly I really wanted the rolls from Pei Wei…but pizza is good too. (Really, I didn’t want to be difficult.)

He comes back….much later…how about soup tonight and we do the other tomorrow.  Fine. {grumble, grumble}  (Now he remembers this whole scenario much differently than I do….but we know I’m right.  He swears I never said I didn’t want soup tonight….uumph!)

I got all flustered with him…I’m hungry…now, dangit…and I don’t remember what happened next or why but I told him to please leave.  I did some other stuff on the computer and…an hour later…I finally called out for him…”OK it has been 2 hours since I said I was hungry is there a reason I’m not eating?”

I Want It NOW! (image by horrificbeauty - Veruca Salt - click to link to artist site)

(yes, you can see the red flames coming out of my eyes at this point….I think you may have been able to see horns and a tail.)  I get sicker and dizzier when I’m hungry…and I’m already pissed that I have to ask for food like a puppy!

I hear…”the soup isn’t quite ready yet”…”Don’t care, it’s been 2 hours…I want something to eat NOW!” “I can find you something.” But he just sat there looking at me… (I actually shooed him away like, well, be off with you fetch me some food damn it! Why are you still here? …I vaguely remember him saying something about being a slave boy, but I was way past hearing reality at this point.  Really?  I did this?  Why does this man put up with me?)

He brought me grapes.  I almost threw them at him….but I took a deep breath and ate the 6 grapes I’m allowed to eat in a day…and waited.  then he brought up some chicken with some mayo/mustard type dressing on it and called it chicken salad….I looked and didn’t comment on what he brought only that it was only about 3 bite fulls.  “But the soup will be ready in 15 mins!”  I thought…that better be some damn good soup!

Luckily it was.  Oh, yes, it was some of the best Chicken Noodle Soup I’ve ever eaten.

Was it what I wanted tonight?  No.  Was it satisfying…mostly.  Would anything else have been any more satisfying?  Sadly..I doubt it.

Then came the humbling, groveling, feeling extremely guilty time….Yes by ME!

Sometimes, it just gets to me (this time of the month much more than others, unfortunately).  I hate being dependent upon someone else for everything.  I HATE to have to ask someone to do something for me that I use to be able to easily do for myself.

Soon I had another problem.

I have been smelling vomit on and off all day.

I have not thrown up today, or yesterday even.  I did wake up last night very sick, feeling like I was going to vomit and I did gag a few times but I did not, I repeat I DID NOT throw up!!  So why do I keep smelling vomit?

I smelled my clothes…no, but I washed up at the sink and changed them any way.
My pillow case, no.

My sheets, no.

Finally this evening, I asked Stuart, do I smell like vomit?  He looked at me, “I can’t imagine why you would. Everything around you is clean.”  Still, I got him to smell me, and YES, I smelled like vomit!  EWWWWW!

OK, Bath time.  I was feeling better than I had been so it was time to brave the bath.

I ran the water, added some Epsom Salts for my aches and pains and got in….and got sick!  OH…the walls started to breathe.  I ran cold water over my wrist.  Please do not make me give up my bath.  I tried and tried…but no…Stuart was holding on to me and leaned over to let the water out.  I cried.  I looked up into his eyes with the biggest saddest eyes anyone has ever seen with tears rolling down my cheeks and said, “But I’m still Stinky.”  Then I burst into uncontrollable sobs.

"But I'm Still Stinky." (Vintage Big Sad Eyed Child painting - artist unknown)

My dear husband got in the tub and helped me up, dried me off, and got me out of the tub.  I sat on the toilet, and said, “of course, now I feel better.”  Without a word, Stuart soaped up a wash cloth and gave me a sponge bath while I sat there.  Very gently, with lemon scented soap.

He helped me back to bed.  I looked at him, and said, “I’m not stinky any more.”  He just smiled and said, “No more Stinky.”

**Please note:  I started to post this last night.  I was entering the photos when suddenly I went into a full spin.  Stuart was kind enough to save the draft so I could put it out today.  This is how life has been for the past 16 days.  I may have been the bitch from hell yesterday, but I promise I’m not like that often, and he says it gives him a little bit of insight into what I’m dealing with…as long as it doesn’t happen every day.  : )  I must say, having 16 days of severe symptoms and now PMS on top of it all, I was a volcano ready to blow.

Thank you to my darling husband for not throttling me.  And by the way….that soup was damn good!!

PMDD – yeah, I Just Don’t Care.

image courtesy of imagemanofsteel.com

I’m having one of those days that I don’t usually talk about.

Normally, I talk about having Meniere’s Disease.  I don’t talk much about my other chronic conditions.

Today, PMDD has taken hold and is screaming at me.   It tries to scream at me a lot, but I try so very hard to keep it under control.

For those who don’t know PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.  To see a list of the symptoms here’s a link to an article on Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Premenstrual_dysphoric_disorder  To sum it up in a very short and nowhere near complete explanation.  PMDD is like having very severe PMS from the time of ovulation until after your period starts.  So I have about one week a month that I feel ok.

If you read the symptoms you may recognize a few things that I say about myself.  Some I just don’t talk about.  I just read over the list again, and I have pretty much every symptom on that page.

This month has been especially difficult.  One reason, we haven’t been able to find a medication that helps me very much with this, and I don’t want to start a new drug while all the Meniere’s stuff is happening.  How would I know if it’s side effects from the meds or Meniere’s symptoms.

I don’t know if being Bi-Polar makes having PMDD worse, or more likely, or what; but it scares me.  The emotional upheaval caused by PMDD can make me feel like I’m having Bi-Polar symptoms, and I sure don’t want to go back there.

Today I started my period, over a week and a half early.  Very bad cramps, and I want to throw something, just to hear it break!

As you all know, if you’ve ever read my blog before, my husband is a dear sweet man, but today, I don’t want him anywhere near me.  He tries to comfort me…and I just cringe.  I feel like screaming, “Don’t touch me!!”  So far I haven’t, but I have let him know, today is not the best day.

I was trying to do some art work.  Thought it might calm me down.  As I’m drawing I realize just how guilty I feel about EVERYTHING!  It overwhelms me.  Then all of a sudden, I just don’t care.  I don’t care if I get better.  I don’t care if I get worse.  I don’t care if I eat, or if I eat right.  Stuart asked me something, many times today for some reason, and all I could think was…I just don’t care.  What ever.

I feel very apathetic.

I can’t help but feel part of this is also because of everything else that’s going wrong in my life right now.  All the treatments for the Meniere’s that just don’t seem to be working.  Stuart losing his job, and everything that means.  Me feeling so much worse….

Then this.

But you know, I just don’t care.  Tomorrow I probably will.  But today.  Not so much.  Sometimes I think I talk a good game.  I try to be very strong and positive.  And sometimes I wonder how much of it’s true and how much I’m trying to convince myself.  The power of positive thinking and all that.  Yeah…not today.  Today it would just take too much energy to care.

oh, and my head hurts again.  Oh joy.  *yes there is a lot of sarcasm intended there.*

This is not a pity party, this is a I just don’t give a crap any more party.